Original subtitles

[band music]

[humming]

- [bone cracks] - Oh! My back. Oh, my God.

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

[band music]

[grunting]

Oh, bacon.

Oh... come on, bacon.

I-I've defended my country my whole life.

Please let me have this bacon.

[dramatic music]

[Maggie] Something is definitely wrong.

I mean, you know that the colonel thinks

that five minutes early is ten minutes late.

I'm sure it's fine. It's only 8:03.

- It's 8:03? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, he's probably dead. He's probably dead.

I'm gonna call him, right? I'm just gonna check on him.

Yeah. Just, uh, double check.

[automated message] Hello, no one is available...

Of course, that went to the voicemail he's never set up.

- I'm gonna go check on him. - Yeah.

He's been putting a down payment

on a heart attack for a while.

Oh, last week, he told me he was in his "bacon era."

I have been begging him to cut down

to a slab every other day. Oh!

[band music]

Oh, my God, you're not dead.

Just horribly injured. What happened?

Come here. I've got something to tell you.

No, dad, dad, I'm-I'm here, I'm here.

- It's important. - Yeah.

Put the bacon in my mouth. [sighs]

Nah-uh-uh. Floor bacon first.

Floor bacon?

- Uh... - Uh, I can't

let the bacon win.

- Well... - Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ah-ah, ah, ah. Mm.

Ugh.

[theme music]

[band music]

[Maggie] Rest up.

- It's doctor's orders. - Doctor's orders.

You know, you slip a couple of discs, and all of a sudden,

the doctor is like at the top of the chain of command.

Look, the base is in good hands.

Shah and I are gonna hold it down

until you're up on your feet.

Let's get you set up with that, uh, World War II documentary

you've been going on and on about.

Unseen footage of American troops

trashing Hitler's hideout.

- Just what the doctor ordered. - I know.

- There you go. - The bunker inside the bunker.

Water, meds. Anything else you need before I go?

Yeah, they're at the bunker.

- Do you need anymore, like- - Shh, shh, shh!

That's the door. They're opening the door.

They're going to the bunker, inside the bunker.

- I get you... - [Patrick] Shh.

Oh, my god, these are the steps

that lead down to the steps

that lead down to the bunker inside the bunker.

- [door closes] - I'm gonna rewind.

Ow, ow!

[band music]

Oh, hey, I didn't know that you were gonna be here working.

- Uh, hi. - But that's cool.

That's right. I'll just, I'll just stick to my office...

You-you work in here, do you want to work in here?

I'm good. I can go there, I-I can be anywhere.

But we can work in the same room.

I know that you didn't want to get romantically involved

'cause you said it was unprofessional,

and I respect that.

So I'm cool, but if you're cool,

look, we could...

That's great. Okay, that's great.

Yeah, we'll just, uh...

I'm just gonna keep it pro, you know?

- Keep it pro. - Just keeping it pro.

We don't have to act on every feeling that we have.

No, certainly not. I mean, if everyone did that,

the world would be complete chaos.

There'd be murdering all the time.

Yeah, and sex on the streets, right?

I mean, I would be doing the murdering one.

That's what I would be doing.

If I had the choice between the two,

but we're just pros keeping it pro, so...

- Yep, yep, yep. - Just... All right.

[chuckles]

[phone ringing]

- Oh, uh... - You want, uh...

- Well, you can... - Uh...

- All right. - No, it's okay.

My answer, phone.

Uh, Major Shah.

[indistinct phone chatter]

Uh-huh. Um, Yeah.

Okay, uh-huh. Yep, yep, yep.

Yeah, uh-huh, got it. Yes, I will be right out.

Mm, looks like there's a report of a landmine

in the nearby farm field, so I should probably...

What that the weird farmer?

Shah, that crank calls like twice a week.

Last time we were there, you dug up sardine cans.

Okay, yeah, yeah, but I probably

should just go make sure.

So I'll assemble a UXO Team to take over there.

And you stay here. Um, adios amiga!

[whispers] That was terrible.

[Shah] When locals find unexploded military devices,

they call the army.

So, as the UXO Team, we've been tasked with

sweeping for landmines at a local farm.

Now, as someone with an extensive landmine

defusal experience, I've worked with the best of the best.

You know the team from The Hurt Locker?

When they got scared, they came to us.

And I've pretended to see that movie on so many dates.

Okay, well, before we get into the nitty-gritty of it all,

I assume you've both read the training manual.

Don't need a manual... when you got a RUXO.

- A what? - The Robotic UXO.

The latest and greatest in landmine detection technology

capable of using high-tech sonar to safely identify mines

from every era of modern war.

- Also, he's cute as hell. - Mm-hmm.

[RUXO] I am RUXO. I am ready to serve.

[Papadakis] But I know what you're wondering.

- Can he dance? - Wasn't wondering that.

- [RUXO] I can dance. - I hacked his code.

Five, six, seven, eight!

- [Papadakis scatting] - [RUXO] I can dance.

I can dance.

That was really entertaining.

Okay, let's turn that off now. Beep-boop.

Very good, RUXO, great dancing.

But you're otherwise useless,

because unexpected problems always arise.

Things a robot isn't programmed to do,

but I can make real-time adjustments in the field.

Well, the army is ordering us to use RUXO

in any landmine clearing, so...

Okay, fine. We can bring Private RUXO.

- Yes! - Oh, actually, he's a major.

- Major? Same rank as me. - Mm.

That's great.

[RUXO whirring]

I don't love that salute.

Today, we have the DFAC inventory check due.

So, if it's cool with you guys,

and I'm so sorry to even ask you to do this,

because I know how annoying it could be,

and obviously, let me know if it's too much,

but it would be so, so awesome if you guys could handle that.

And if any issues arise, obviously let me know,

but I don't think that there will be.

Uh, would you guys be able to handle that?

- Sorry, what? - You know what?

I'm just gonna do it. I-I-I will add that to my list.

So, uh, what do I do with these performance reviews

that the colonel asked me to file?

The performance reviews of every soldier on the base?

Mm-hmm.

I-I will go ahead and take care of that as well.

Yeah, absolutely. Get that off your plate.

Thank you, you're the best.

Oh, yeah, well...

Uh, you guys are, well, dismissed.

- I'm gonna go lie down. - Yeah.

[Maggie] Okay, bye, Gideon.

Bye. All right, let's see

what the, uh, colonel has to say about me.

All right, um, Captain Maggie Quinn.

Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

"A stand-out officer."

[chuckles]

"Soldiers under her command gave her

exemplary marks, which proves that

she is overly concerned with being liked."

[suspenseful music]

What?

[band music]

[Shah] So, what, we're supposed to just sit here

and watch WALL-E work?

- Yeah. - Yeah, it's a good idea.

- We should sit. - We should sit. Oh!

[Papadakis] We should sit down and relax.

Unbelievable.

- [Dana] Uh, Major Shah? - Uh-huh?

- Cheesy Puffs? - I'm good.

Oh, Shah, have a squat.

- I'm gonna be standing. - Okay.

- [machine beeping] - Oh, that's weird.

Our hero seems to be stuck in the mud.

[RUXO] Help, help, help...

That's funny. RUXO is stuck in the mud.

And you know who's never been stuck in the mud? Me, human me.

For a human, you're not having much compassion right now.

Imagine how scared he is out there.

- Scared? - What are we gonna do?

We can't leave a man behind.

That's like the one thing I know about the military.

It's not a man, it's a machine that we're gonna be

throwing away in the scrapyard very soon.

Hello, is this the 702nd EOD Company?

Great, this is Major Abraham Shah with USAG Stroopsdorf.

The robot that you're trying to replace me with

is disabled in the field.

[RUXO] Help me, help me.

Uh-huh, okay.

Yeah. Mm-hmm, yes.

No, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Okay, so apparently, RUXO costs $2 million,

and I have been ordered to rescue him

because his life is worth more than mine.

- Oh, you said him. - Mm-hmm.

- Felt so cute. - [groaning]

[feet thudding]

[suspenseful music]

[door creaking]

Hello, father.

You scared me. I almost grabbed my couch pistol.

Just checking to see if you need anything.

Maybe water, perhaps?

Yeah, that'd be great, hon. Thanks.

It's important to stay hydrated.

Yeah, thank you. [grunts]

I can't. [chuckles]

Why don't I fluff that pillow?

- Okay. - Mm.

- Make sure you're comfortable. - Yep. Ow.

[Patrick groaning]

[exhales] Is that better?

Why are you going all full Kathy Bates in Misery on me?

I'm just being a little bit of a jerk!

Look, I don't care about being liked.

- You read your review. - I read my review.

That's classified. [groans]

Coming from the man who said classified?

More like ass-ified.

Your problem is that you hem and haw

when you're supposed to be giving a direct order

because you're afraid about your soldiers' "feelings."

Feelings are a real thing, and they don't need air quotes.

And I happen to believe that a relaxed workplace

is a productive workplace.

Are you an army captain,

or the manager of a Margaritaville?

The people who work for you are not supposed to like you.

They're supposed to hate you because you're the boss, okay?

Plus, it's fun to be mean.

You know what? You're right.

- What do you mean? - Watch this.

[women grunting on TV]

What the hell's that?

Enjoy Real Housewives of Minnesota.

[Patrick] Oh. No, no, no. No.

These people, their accents

are gonna sound even stupider when they're drunk.

- [door slams] - No!

[RUXO] Help me. Help me.

[Papadakis] It's okay, RUXO. Help's on its way.

[Dana] Stay strong, RUXO.

Major Shah looks like a Ninja Turtle

that let himself go. [chuckles]

- [Shah] What? - Oh.

I said you look like a Ninja Turtle

that's let himself go, sir.

[Papadakis] You do, major. You do.

[Shah] Approaching the extraction point.

[RUXO] Help me. [Dana] Don't worry, RUXO.

Stepdaddy Shah is coming to save you.

- Help me. - Okay.

RUXO, stop moving backwards.

Advance towards me.

[RUXO] I can dance. [Shah] I said advance!

- [RUXO] I can dance. - Adv...

- I said advance. - [RUXO] I can dance.

Listen to my words. You need to come towards me.

- Advance. - Warning. Landmine detected.

Okay. Okay.

- Warning. Landmine detected. - Hey, guys?

Hey, did RUXO lighten the mood with a funny joke?

Yeah, we saw you all dancin'. [laughing]

- He's so funny, right? - [Shah] I'm on a landmine.

[RUXO] Warning. Landmine detected.

I know!

[Maggie] Specialist Gideon.

You don't think I care too much about being liked.

- Do you? - This feels like a trap.

Oh, no, I, I just want your honest feedback.

Well, yeah, you do care too much about being liked.

Okay, thank you. I appreciate that.

I know it's hard to talk to a superior officer.

Actually, since you asked, you wear too much deodorant.

You slouch when you sit,

your taste in music is super dated.

When you sing, there's no joy.

And your handwriting, it's super bubbly and immature.

Okay, that's great. Thank you, Gideon.

None of that was devastating. And you are dismissed.

[Shah] I need you to call Maggie,

but don't tell her I'm in danger.

I don't want to worry her. Just play it cool.

I don't want you to die.

I don't want to see someone explode. Not again!

Look, I don't want to die either.

Just play it cool. That is an order.

Okay.

- [cellphone buzzing] - [sighs]

- Captain Quinn. - Hey, girl.

How's my queen?

I'm fine. What's up?

- So, not an emergency. - Chill.

Yeah, we just found a landmine.

[Maggie] Okay. But Shah can defuse it?

[Dana] Shah told me to call you.

He said the landmine's from the World War II era.

We need an expert in weaponry from that time.

Do you know anybody?

[man on TV] The T30 heavy tank was designed

to counter the German Tiger I and Tiger II tanks.

It's footage of the T29, you morons.

I gotta fact check everybody.

No, no one's coming to mind.

But I-I will find somebody for you guys.

Well, I mean, take your time.

Just grab some food if you want.

Maybe some sushi, and some cold ones and...

Okay, girl, bye.

Why would you tell her to stop for beers?

I don't know.

Shah told me to play it cool.

And I'm freaking out.

Hold on, Shah! Help us on the way!

And-and-and they're bringing beer.

[RUXO] I am ready to serve. Beer.

[Jan] Diederik, this is Maggie. Maggie, Diederik.

Yeah, thank you so much for bringing your

great uncle in to help us out.

My absolute pleasure.

You know, he has big time World War II knowledge

because he's old and he lived it.

[speaking in foreign language]

He dealt firsthand with landmines.

- Uh-uh. - I-I'm so sorry to hear that.

Did you lose somebody to a mine?

[speaking in foreign language]

Okay, so when he was a boy,

he had placed the landmines himself.

Is there any chance your great uncle

was a little Nazi collaborator?

You know, I have never asked.

- You should ask. - Okay.

- Um, Diederik... - Hmm?

[speaking in foreign language]

Ja!

- Okay. - [laughing]

[speaking in foreign language]

Okay, so, yes, basically he wanted the Nazis to like him.

He wanted the Nazis to like him?

Yeah, because they had the good chocolates, you know.

Uh, Jan, you can ask your great uncle to get off the base

and never, ever, ever come back.

[speaking in foreign language]

Let's get you some chocolate.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Yeah. - I'm so sorry...

- [Patrick] Hey. - Hey.

Listen, after hanging out with a man

who once was a boy who helped a Nazi,

I am realizing the perils of needing to be liked.

Tales as old as time.

And you are gonna help me

disarm a World War II landmine.

That's how you give an order.

Okay, I like it. Let's roll.

And when I say let's roll,

I mean, I'm gonna roll over and the adrenaline's

gonna kick in and I'm gonna stand up and go.

[screams]

Oh, huh, no adrenaline.

- Uh... - Oh, my God.

We're gonna make it a FaceTime, okay?

- Okay. - Excuse me.

[Shah] In my own life, I am always cautious.

I mean, I literally ran away from the woman that I love.

And that's why I'm standing here right now.

I mean, I played it safe once again.

And now I am about to die.

[RUXO] Warning. Landmine detected.

You said it, brother.

[Dana] Shah, Maggie's here. It's gonna be okay now.

Hey, dad, can you, uh, can you see?

Maggie, I can't hear you. You're on mute.

Maggie, uh, wait.

- My mic was off. - Yep.

[Papadakis] All right, thank God you're here.

I'm-I'm-I'm trying to think of the cool way to say this.

Uh, so, Shah... is standing on the landmine.

Shah's on the landmine?

Shah, don't move!

Trust me, I won't!

Okay, uh...

[RUXO] I can dance, I can dance.

RUXO was more of a dancer than an emergency responder.

- No shade to RUXO. - Oh, no, not at all.

We need more artists in the world.

Now more than ever.

- Shah, I'm coming! - Maggie, what are you doing?

[Dana] Maggie, we can't let you go out there!

Is that what we should have done?

Should we've done that?

I mean, I'm holding a walkie.

[band music]

[sighs]

Hi.

Hi.

So, I'm, I'm...

I want to make sure you're okay.

Maggie, what the hell are you thinking?

- Yeah. - And I'm muting.

[Patrick] Guys, I can't see anything.

- What's going on? - Okay, so, how do we, um,

give-give you...

Listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking out here.

And RUXO is a very good listener.

I've planned to save my whole life,

and I still ended up right here, about to explode.

And while I've been standing on this landmine,

the only thing that is going through my head over,

and over again is that...

I've never got a chance to do this.

[soft music]

I want to stay like this forever.

We probably should.

Because any more movement

on top of this landmine is not a good idea.

- Landmine! Landmine. - Landmine! Landmine.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - [Maggie] Dad, we need you.

There you are.

Listen, Shah, we just need to know

what kind of a mine we're dealing with.

So when you stepped on it,

did it make a-a tic-tic sound,

or a cur-cur-cur-cur, or a click-clack.

A click-clack.

Ah, okay, dealing with a German Tellermine.

You're lucky it wasn't a Bouncing Betty

which they used at the beginning of

the war, like, in the Saar Offensive.

And then they used it again-

Shut up, tell us what to do with this mine!

You really own it being a jerk.

- I like it. - Get to the point!

All right, UXO Team, listen up.

This is big time.

I need absolute perfection from you,

or else this could end in disaster.

- Do you understand me? - Sure.

I said, "Do you understand me?"

[both] Yes, ma'am.

The ruder she is, the more I want to listen to her.

- Me too. - Now, with this era of mine,

you've got a dig around the plate perimeter.

And I-I'm gonna stabilize Shah.

Just make sure he doesn't shift off the mine.

- Yeah. - [Patrick] You know,

that's not really necessary.

Okay, well, you're not here, so...

- Okay, okay, almost there. - Perimeter exposed.

All right, and I've got mud on my hands, but I don't care.

- I'm working through it. - Good.

Now, you loosen that hinge

and you cut the red wire.

- Cut the red wire. - Yep.

My life is a movie. I am the hero.

- Now, I'm gonna get the girl. - I better not be the girl.

- Okay, back in the movie. - Back in the movie.

Red wire.

[tense music]

- Okay. - Good.

- Okay. - Now...

- Yeah. - Ready?

Ready.

[screaming]

[all cheering]

Hey, stop jumping, guys. Stop jumping.

Oh, he's right, he's right, right, right. No jumping.

- Okay. No more jumping. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about that?

Sucker was a dud the whole time.

[Dana] Oh, look at RUXO stretching his legs,

now that he's out of the mud.

[Papdakis] I can't believe we were freaking out.

There was no danger! [laughing]

- [explosion] - [screaming]

[shudders]

Yeah, I'm leaving the UXO Team.

Oh, oh!

[all screaming]

[band music]

[Maggie] Wow, I mean, so much for Minnesota nights.

- I know, right? - These housewives are vicious!

The last episode, Nora bit Lainey.

- Bit? - Bit her.

- Twice. - Oh, I like Lainey.

So awesome, I love her.

Hey, listen, I already said this once today,

but you-you were right.

I was too worried about needing to be liked.

And I actually am feeling myself as a leader.

Good, you're my kid,

so you're inherently better than other people.

You shouldn't be tiptoeing around that fact.

Just kick ass, take names.

And just be a jerk to everybody b-but you.

- There you go. - There we go, yeah.

I could do that. Thank you.

- [laughing] - [glasses clinking]

[band music]

Yup.

[Dana sobbing]

[playing trumpet out of tune]

Okay.

RUXO, when I first met you,

I thought you were a glorified Roomba.

I was wrong.

You were a good friend in my time of need.

You changed my life.

For this, I am forever indebted to you.

[RUXO] I can dance.

- Yeah, you can. - [Dana sobbing]

And he'll dance in robot heaven.

- You bet he will.. - [man 1] Yeah, he will.

And now, RUXO will be laid to rest

in a place of honor, the good dumpster,

the one that doesn't smell as bad.

[playing trumpet out of tune]

[children] It's going so well.

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