Original subtitles

Climbing on the 545, feeling good inside.

Feel the jets coming alive, coming live, all right.

I know I said it won't come back again, but this city life's broken me.

I'm flying back home again.

I'm flying.

Oh, Sid.

Meow! Meow!

Meow!

I don't feel like going to work this morning.

Can't you take the day off?

No, I get bored sitting around all day doing nothing.

You wouldn't get bored with me around Sydney.

I'll put the kettle on.

Some plumber.

You know a lot of people, don't you?

Eh? Well, there's people writing to you.

They're bills, darling. Bills.

Oh, bills.

And after repeated applications having been ignored, we shall be forced to

reclaim the property within the next ten days.

I will.

There goes the record player.

Oh, I didn't know you had a player.

Let's put a record on.

I told you I'm late. Look, for Christ's sake, make yourself useful. The kettle's

boiling.

Let's see.

It's lovely and warm in here.

I'll tell you what, I'll have a little nap.

When you've gone to work, I'll get out and make you my speciality.

I've already had your speciality.

Get your arse out of that bed.

Don't mince your words, do you?

You made that tea yet?

I'm already drinking mine.

Well, you're not back in bed again.

Well, you were leaping up and down on me all night. I'm utterly exhausted.

Well, I didn't hear you complaining.

Come on, girl.

I'll give you a lift.

I want to get out of here before... Bloody hell, here he is.

Adolf. Come on, come on.

It's Monday.

I forgot all about the rent. I'm terribly sorry. I haven't got it, I'm

You can't go on being terribly sorry, Mr South. It's five weeks now.

Afraid this matter will shortly be in the implacable hands of our computer.

Not the computer.

What will it do to me?

Send you an eviction notice?

Now, you wouldn't like that, would you?

No, I wouldn't like that, would I?

You'd better get your finger out, hadn't you?

Stay.

Here, Adolf.

You forgot your machine gun.

Oh, Mr. South, there's your gas bill.

Oh, and while I'm about it, do you mind making a little less noise in the

morning? It's not that I'm narrow -minded, but enough's enough.

Ain't you ready yet? What are you hanging about for?

I've seen some dizzy birds in my time, but you take the bleeding biscuit.

All right, I'll see you later then, darling. Ta -ra.

What's that supposed to mean?

What it says.

So that's all it meant.

Well, thank you very much.

Look, I've got your phone number. I'll call you, all right?

Yeah, I'll bet.

Once you get what you want, you can't wait to pull the next one, can you?

What's that got to do with love? That's what I'd like to know.

Who said anything about love?

You did, last night.

You don't even remember, do you?

It so happens I've got feelings.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do. When I get home tonight, I'll call you, all

right? Don't bother.

I never want to see you or it again.

Shh! Don't you shush me. I want the whole world to know what you're like.

Look, everybody, the original Mr Big.

Except where it comes, you male chauvinist pig.

Nichols.

J. Crapper, Limited, plumbing and sanitary installations.

Yes.

I'm sorry, madam, no, I can't help you.

I'm afraid all my men are out on jobs.

Yes, well, I'll take the address down, yes.

Yes, thank you.

Yes, it is humanly possible, yes, yes, yes.

All right, thank you, bye -bye.

Holy crappy!

Oh!

What do you want to do that for? That was red hot.

What time do you call this?

You should have been here at eight o 'clock.

Why, what happened?

I don't expect me to run my business with lazy hands like you on the books,

Come on, Crubby, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. Sort us out some decent jobs,

will you?

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of crossing you off my register.

Leave it out. You wouldn't survive without me.

You're lucky, as it so happens.

Something's just come in.

Yeah? Yeah, a bit of plumbing and a lavatory seat to fix.

And Sid.

Yeah?

Try and do a good job, eh?

Eh? Crappy.

What is it?

I love you.

Get out.

Don't be so blooming familiar.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

It happened all the while.

Come in, Mr Plummer.

You don't mind me watching, do you?

No, I don't mind you watching.

You live here all alone?

At the moment.

Bill's away. That's my husband.

Oh.

He's been away almost a year now.

I've almost forgotten what he looks like. Are you married?

No, it's not my scene.

You'd make a lovely husband.

What makes you say that?

Women get a feeling about these things.

Oh, yeah?

I must make the bed.

Give me a call when you've finished.

It's your birthday dear Sidney. It's your birthday dear Sidney. It's your

birthday dear Sidney.

I'm finished.

Oh, God.

Do you mind if I take the old seat away? It might come in useful.

That'll be 20 pounds.

My checkbook's on the dressing table.

Would you bring it over here?

you doing?

You have me at your mercy. I'm in your power.

I'm helpless.

Rubbish. They bind me to you. I'm yours.

Do with me what you will.

Yeah, but you might wait till I've got my shirt off.

Oh, oh, what a lovely hairy chest.

Oh, you're so powerful. So overwhelming.

Here, what about your husband?

Bill, where are you?

Yeah, where is he?

In prison.

He won't be out till tomorrow.

We've got one whole day to be really naughty.

Ward.

Hello, Bill.

You want to go straight on?

No. No, she's not expecting me till tomorrow.

She don't like surprises.

By the way, where exactly did you hide her?

Oh, God, blimey, I've only been out five minutes.

Here, pull up at that phone box. I'm going to ring her.

Can't wait to get my teeth in one of her chicken fricassees.

Chicken fricassees? Two hundred grand's worth of gold bars hanging about. All

you can think about is chicken fricassees. Oh, God.

You are my master.

I am your slave.

Be rough with me.

Quick, quickly.

Just a minute.

What?

Me, Billy?

Yeah.

I'm on my way home.

Yeah, now, keep the bed warm, darling, eh?

Bloody hell. What? I must have got the day wrong.

He's on his way back.

What? Trust him to spoil everything.

What are you looking for?

The key.

What key?

The key to this.

Don't tell me you can't find it.

It's in my handbag. Where's that?

Downstairs. Right.

I don't know, I fancy a drink.

Food, sex and drink, that's all you think about.

Yeah, hold on, I've been inside for more than a year, you know. That was your

stupid fault.

I could have understood it if you'd have got Nick for the gold, but doing over a

copper, I ask you.

Well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

Yeah, got carried away.

Yeah, there's a pub over there.

Where was he phoning from?

That was smashing.

Can I see another one?

You still ain't told me what you've done with the gold.

I melted it down. You what?

I couldn't keep it hanging about. I had to get rid of it. So, where is it? You

never guess in a million years, old son.

Dean, tell me.

It's at home.

It must be out of your mind. The police can search there any time.

That's right, they already have. Half a dozen times.

But they never found anything, never will.

Even the old woman don't know where it is.

Come on, have another pint.

I don't believe you.

You crafty old sod.

So simple. I used a welding torch, see?

It was the mould that was the difficult part.

I tried that plaster of Paris, but it wouldn't stand a lead.

For you to claim.

Looks like the real thing.

You couldn't tell the difference. Except it's a bit heavy, like.

Stroke a bloody genius, wouldn't it? Talk about sitting on a fortune.

I'll tell you something else, sunshine.

I've got a boy lined up for it.

Drink up, then. Let's not keep him waiting.

Come on, come on.

It's not there.

Wait a minute.

I remember now.

It's in my housecoat.

And where exactly is your housecoat?

Are you sure it's in your house coat?

I think so.

What was the inside for?

How much for this, mate?

Dear, what's this?

It's covered in brown paint.

I'll have to pay someone to scrape it off, won't I?

What are you talking about? It's an antique.

Look, mate, that's all it's worth to me.

If you want it back, pick it up and pit off.

What's your suit?

What's on today, then, eh?

I suppose it'll have to be a bottle of brown, please.

Here, you look well. You been away?

Yeah, been down to my mum.

Costa gel balkner.

Hello, Blackie.

We mustn't be late, have we?

You know what I think?

I think that you owe someone some money. Don't he, copper?

Like about 900, nigger?

Well, you don't think I've forgotten, do you?

Come on, you know me. I'm a man of me word.

So is the governor.

He says some beautiful ones about you.

Lovely ones.

He even wrote them down for us.

Says here, tell that lying git that if he don't cough up, he'll break every

bone in his horrible body and stuff the bleeding lock down his throat.

I so agree, innit?

Are you threatening me?

Really, says Stopper.

Anything I can get you, boys?

That's all right, love.

We just popped in to have a talk with our mate here, didn't we?

Keep your voice down, Blackie. These people are friends of mine.

That's all right. They'll be out in the hospital, won't they?

What do you mean?

He says, what do you mean?

Oh, leave it. Look, one hot tip and you lot will be owing me money. You know

what it's like.

I never know, you know.

I can't lose all the time.

It's against the law of averages.

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.

Yeah, that's right.

And if you don't come up to Redders on Saturday, you'll be up.

Up the bleeding quick, do you understand?

All right, all right.

Good. Nice to have seen you.

Come and drop by, you'll make your day.

Oh, I forgot.

You know Willie Thompson, don't you?

The electrician.

Yeah, that's him.

He's in St Martin's Hospital.

Why don't you go up and see him?

He's had a terrible accident, like the one you'll be having.

Keep healthy.

It's me, darling. I'm home.

She must have gone shopping. Yeah, well, I'm not interested in that. All I want

to see is that gun.

Not only can you see it, old mate, you can bloody use it. Come on.

Bloody marvellous. You couldn't tell it from the real thing.

It's bleeding plastic.

You're bloody right.

What the hell's going on?

Hey!

Where's it gone to? Eh? Who's got it?

What lavatory seats you got in the window?

Sir.

Very unique piece, sir.

Came from a stately home.

Eleven quid.

I don't want to buy the stately home. Just the lavatory seats.

Cost me eight pounds. I've got to make a profit.

Make it ten.

Five. Six.

Five and a half.

Okay.

Willie?

Hello, Willie.

Some people do anything to get a day off work.

You look like the Invisible Man.

Yeah, I heard you was laid up, mate. I didn't think it was as bad as this.

What happened?

Yeah, but who did it?

Blackie.

Oh, not Blackie. His friend, Stropper.

Oh, yeah.

Nice fellow, Stropper.

Oh.

Sorry. I'm sorry, Willie.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Willie.

I'm sorry, Willie.

Here, look.

I bought you a dirty magazine.

Oh, yeah.

I can see your problem.

Cheer up, Willie.

Did you hear about the fella?

Had to have his leg amputated.

Hmm?

When he woke up from the operation, the doctor said, we've got some good news,

we've got some bad news.

The bad news is, we've chopped the wrong leg off.

The good news is, the other one's got better.

How much do you owe him, Willie?

It must have been a bloody fortune.

63.

63?

Thousand.

63 quid.

See you later, Willie.

Keep healthy.

Cheetah ruff, it may never happen.

It already has.

Oh, well, we've all got our problems.

Anyway, what is it? What's wrong?

I prefer not to talk about it.

Please yourself. I was only trying to help.

Here, get this down you.

Oh, well, I haven't got any... Oh, it's all right. It's on the house.

Only a few more minutes to go. I'm off early today.

Nice one.

Oh, look, there's your two friends.

Not

speaking?

Friendly, so we'll keep doing it.

Come here.

Sit down.

Make yourself atone.

Now then, what have we done to upset you?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Well then.

Look, you'll get your money.

It's only a few hours since I saw you. Give us a break for Christ's sake.

Have you been to see Willie?

Yeah, I saw Willie.

Nice fellow, Willie.

He didn't deserve that bit of bad luck.

And all over a mere 63 quid.

Ridiculous, isn't it? You made your point.

Don't rub it in.

Isn't that it?

Oh, well, yeah, I've got to raise 900 quid by the end of the week, haven't I?

you have, and I've got an idea.

Why don't you go round and see old Dodger? He might be able to help.

Dodger Harris?

He's as bent as a corkscrew. What, do you think I'm a villain?

Did you hear me call him a villain? No. It's you I'm thinking about.

900 quid's not an easy matter to raise in three days.

Oh, well, I'm so glad you understand.

Of course we understand.

That's why I said go round and see old Dodger.

Because if you don't cough up, what happened to Willie will seem like an

elbow compared to what's going to happen to you.

Thanks a lot.

Don't mention it.

See you Saturday.

Oh, by the way, here's Dodger's card.

I'll tell him to expect you.

Keep healthy.

No, I might as well stay here and slash me wrist.

Look, I tell you what, why don't you come back with me? I'll cook you a nice

meal.

Dear Sid, what do those two fellas want today in the pub?

You came to my house yesterday and took away my lavatory seat, right?

You're a bleeding liar.

How'd you get in here anyway? Never mind that. Where's that bloody lavatory

seat? You nicked it. We could put you inside for that.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what we're talking about.

Yesterday, you came to my house to do a job and you took my lavatory seat away

with you.

I want it back.

It's a load of old rubbish.

I gave your wife one. I mean, I gave your wife a brand new one. And she still

hasn't paid for it.

Don't get funny with us, son. You'll get this down the back of your throat.

Where is it?

I sold it.

You what?

Ocho.

A junk shop.

You sold it to a junk shop?

Ah, that's nice.

Come on, you.

Where are we going?

Where are you, friend?

Look, I made a mistake yesterday. That bog seat, it's a family heirloom or

something. The owner wants it back.

Well, he can't have it. It's gone. What do you mean, gone?

I've sold it.

Oh, Christ. Who to?

How should I know? I've never seen him before.

Now, piss off. I'm going back to bed.

Now, who are you?

I don't mind about that, Pastor.

We don't get our seat back, you're for it.

Now, who was it?

I told him, I don't know.

Did he pay you by cheque? Yeah.

Well, I've still got it.

Let's have a look.

We've saved ourselves a bit of trouble. He's put his address on the back.

Right.

Now get in there and get it back. Don't forget, son, we're watching you. What am

I going to say?

You ain't been lost for words so far. Go on, get going.

Clumsy son.

I bought it legally.

I paid for it and I got a receipt.

But it wasn't mine to sell. Look, you changed the fleet, right? Yeah, but it

a mistake.

Well, I consider that everything was in order.

You were entitled to take it.

I'm entitled to keep it. But you've got to sell it back to me. If you don't,

I'll... If you don't, I'll call the police and tell them you're receiving

property.

I was just about to let you have it. No, I'm damned if I will. Get out of here

before I throw you out.

He won't sell it back.

Will he?

Well, we'll see about that. Come on.

Where's the old man we want to talk with?

Who are you?

Never mind who we are.

Where is he?

I'll get him. You wait in there.

Go on, then.

Henry!

Henry! Henry.

Did you see her face? She's scared.

Yeah. We have to show him you mean business, don't you? Why? Tell him what.

We'll give him one last chance to sell it back. And if you don't, we'll do it

the other way.

Do you remember that bloke we did it to? Yes, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

Those are the men you were talking about?

Yeah. Oh, I know them.

Right pair of villains they are.

Yeah, well, they made me come here. I didn't want to threaten anyone.

Now, hello.

Hello. Chief Inspector Wallings here.

I think I've got a lead for you on that Union safe deposit job.

Yeah, pick me up at my house as soon as you can, will you?

Right, well, I'll be off then. Just a minute.

You know, I believe there's more to that lavatory seat than we thought.

All this fuss over a bog seat.

Scrape the paint off.

Well?

It's brass.

Just as I thought.

It's gold.

Solid gold.

I'll meet you down at the station.

What are you lot? I've had just about enough for one day.

I'm afraid you've got another problem.

What's this?

Your eviction papers.

Sorry, but I did warn you, didn't I, Mr. South?

Good day.

Morning. Told you I was... Yeah.

Oh! Come in, though. Come in, come in. Sit down, sit down.

Now, what can I do for you?

I need some money. Fast.

I believe you might have a few ideas.

My team's with them.

Might want to inquire why you want this money fast.

Yeah, well, the bookies are after me for 900 quid.

We don't have the money by Saturday at the latest.

Oh, dear.

Oh, you do have a problem?

Well, that's why I'm here.

Somebody recommended you to me.

Who was it, someone?

Blackie. Oh, Blackie.

Any friend of Blackie's is a friend of Blackie's.

Yeah, well, he's not really a friend.

In fact, it was him who threatened to do me in.

Oh, dear.

What experience you got?

Well, I'm a plumber. A plumber?

Ever been in any trouble?

No, of course not.

That's a pity.

Look, I don't want to do anything illegal.

Perish the thought.

Do you ever get seasick?

Well, I'm all right in a rowing boat.

It's just I've got this something being dropped off a fishing boat off the south

coast. I'm looking for a likely lad to pick it up. How about that?

What is it?

You've done hard enough questions, and if anybody asks you any questions, you

don't know any answers, right?

Now, you'll need a problem with the pupil, an oxygen lung, and you'll go

many fathoms.

I can't swim.

Oh, there's something right up your street.

A jewelry shop.

Not a smash and grab.

Some perhaps, but not for you.

There's a professional group, a highly professional group, and they're looking

for a modicum of information.

What sort of information?

Well, they want to get you out of the basement, going to the water pipe, the

main, the alarm system, and they've got a perfect cover. You can call in and

say, I'm checking the water pressure.

You're in.

Well, it's not worth 900 quid, is it?

More or less.

More or less, yeah. Like that.

What's the address?

Actually, I wasn't aware we had any trouble with the pressure.

We can never get any hot water, though.

Maybe it's the thermostat.

Perhaps you'd like to have a look at it while you're down here.

All right.

Well, you don't have to hang about. I'll call you if I need any help.

Oh, we're not busy.

Maybe I'll learn something.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's probably your...

Safety belt.

Ah.

Mr.

Bradley?

Oh. Look, I'll leave you to it now. I think they need me upstairs.

Yeah, yeah.

Right, yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

Right.

They say you've done a good job.

They're going in tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

Can't you let me have a bit on account?

Look, the moment I get my commission, you get your fee.

What could be fairer than that?

You don't look at all well, Sid.

Oh, I'm all right.

Just been up to my eyeballs in it lately, that's all.

You didn't mind me popping in, did you?

No, of course not.

What's the matter?

Well, Susie, things have been a bit difficult lately.

What with the bills and the rent.

Things have been getting out of hand.

What do you mean?

Come on, you can tell me.

The trouble's shared and all that.

No, you've got your own problems. You don't hear about mine.

Besides, you're a bit special, Fiz.

You're not like the rest.

Fiat, why can't you confide in me, eh?

I'm sure it'd help.

Well, maybe one day.

But I've got to get myself straightened out first.

In the meantime, I don't want you worrying on my account.

Here, look.

I better get some sleep.

You could stay here, you know.

No, I think I better go on, don't you?

Hey,

what's going on in there?

I don't know. I don't know. Bloody hell.

Where's the site?

What can I say in this game?

Oh, let's go.

Mr. Crapper! All right, all right.

Where did you spring from?

I thought you'd retired.

Yeah, well, I've been busy.

Not for me, you haven't.

You got any jobs in?

Oh, a dead lucky.

A couple of jobs come in this morning.

Crapper, can you lend me some money?

I'm a bit skint. Yeah, all right, why, yeah.

When you finish your jobs? Oh, come on, look.

I just need a tenner. A fiver will do.

I must say, I do get a laugh out of you, son.

Come on.

You

found

for a plumber? Did we?

Yeah, I think so.

That'll be the wife's department.

Maisie, the plumber's here.

Oh, you've come to fix the garbage disposal.

This way.

We only moved in a month ago, and nothing seemed to work.

First it was the cooker, then during the heat wave, the fridge went wrong. All

the food went off.

Then I had a problem with my dishwasher.

Mashed up all my crockery.

Sound like the original calamity, Jane. You can say that again.

There doesn't seem to be much wrong with this.

I don't even think it's a plumbing job. I think you've got a wire loose here.

Look, do you mind switching that on?

I'm really hot.

What can I do with this shower?

Right, which one of us is going first? It's alright if it's me.

Oh, yes, okay.

I tell you, it was a fabulous weekend.

Well, I was a bit sick, aren't I?

Yeah, what happened to you? Did you put the cup in here, did you?

I skipped Copenhagen. What did you do?

I had a very nice weekend.

Do you remember that photographer guy that I told you about ages ago? The one

thought was really chic and fancy?

The one with the bow -tie jeans, you know? The open shirt?

Well, I got a call on Friday.

Tell me what happened.

Well, he asked me away for the weekend.

Then I phoned into the agency, claimed I was sick, grabbed Copenhagen, and we

went to the new forest.

Really? In that snazzy little sports car of his?

You can't do much in that, because he's really shy.

Come on, what happened?

Oh, jeez, that car might well be snazzy, but it's definitely no love bug, I tell

you. Honestly, I think I've had so bad of them bruise me, that thing.

I'll never explain those away to Terry.

Anyway, so, eventually, he had to go off the road. He couldn't stand it any

longer.

Yeah? Go on.

Well, I tell you one thing.

Oh, do

you know

what? What?

There was at least eight foot wide.

Oh, we had a super time. I tell you something, we must have used every inch

that bed.

Really? Oh, and do you know my fantasy?

What? Yes.

Well, I really did it this time. I went through with it, and you know what? It

really worked.

I went into the bathroom, and I knew he thought I was going to come out with

some cheap negligence, but I didn't. I did it. A full strip, one stopping out

the dog, two stopping out the dog.

Brother, did that turn him on? Oh, you know what? I think after that we must

have screwed for at least four hours.

I can't stop Blackie, I'm late.

You are two days late, and he's dropped me. What do you mean?

We said Saturday, remember?

We was waiting in that pub for hours and hours.

Look, I've got to go. I've got an appointment with a very important man.

What are you doing?

It's what we've got to do.

Cop that bike.

Right. This is for starters. Yeah, leave that bike alone.

Get off that bike, you berk.

You ain't even got a licence.

Look, it's all fixed up.

I'm doing this job for Dodger.

He's going to let me have 900 quid by the end of next week, latest.

What little job?

I can't tell you, can I? You know what line of business he's in. You put me on

to him.

I've learnt my bleeding lesson.

I never want to see another bookie till the day I die.

That day may come sooner than you think.

Tuesday.

Make it Tuesday. I'll tell him it's a matter of life and death. It is!

Well, look, actually, er...

He's given me a thousand.

And I want you to have the other hundred.

Why?

Well, I kept you waiting, Blackie.

And I don't like owing people money, do I?

A hundred, is it?

Right, I believe you.

But you'll never see Wednesday if you let us down on Tuesday.

Them's me last words.

Hot bit.

What happened?

The geese are overheated and set off the alarm in the sprinkler system.

Great.

Plain bloody bad luck.

The boys lost all their gear.

Anyway, they didn't get caught and that's what matters.

What about me? I'm right, innit? In this game, you take the rough with the

smooth.

Anyway, think the commission I lost.

Dodger, I've got other things on my mind. I could be dead in two days.

We'll find something for you.

Here, look.

Our deal.

You can't fail.

It's money in your pocket. What is it?

Christ, he's a bit strong, isn't he? Well... The gentleman in question has

a naughty boy, and I don't suppose for one moment he'd like the pictures to go

to his dear wife.

So wander round and offer him the negatives.

Go for the highest price. I'll start about 5 ,000.

It's blackmail.

Blackmail.

Blackmail, Sidney, is an ugly word.

You are a salesman.

You have a commodity.

So you take it to the highest bidder.

If the first potential customer doesn't want to know... You go to the second

potential customer.

Sounds all right when you put it like that. Of course it does.

This charter is for the rich man.

You've got a string of massage parlours.

He's the answer to all your problems.

But a lot depends on how you handle the sale.

So put on your best suit.

Cut a dash.

Look prosperous.

Tell him it's big business.

Impress him.

I haven't got a suit.

And under the terms of the settlement, one half of the net profits are

incorporated in the agreement.

I am, however, negotiating cash settlement, but until this has been

I'm not in a position to discuss any new partnership agreement.

I'll be in touch with you immediately if the situation has been ratified.

Yours sincerely, A .R. Charteris.

A Mr South is outside. He'd like to have a word with you. Oh, who the hell is

he? You know, I don't see anybody except by appointment.

I told him and he wouldn't go away.

He asked me to give you this.

He said you'd understand.

Yes, I think I do understand.

Show Mr South in, will you?

Oh, by the way, what's Belinda doing?

Oh, well, nothing at the moment. One of her clients just cancelled.

Mr Chalmers will see you.

Ah, Mr Ruff.

South. South.

Now, while I'm getting dressed, I'd like you to enjoy a vigorating massage on

the house.

No, thanks. I've come to discuss business.

Yes, of course, but I'd like you to be completely relaxed so you'll be in a

better condition to discuss business.

Yeah, all right.

But I'm a busy man, Mr. Charteris.

I want to get this matter over and done with.

I hope you fully appreciate the delicacy of the situation.

You are a reasonable man, I understand.

Oh, I am, Mr. South.

I am.

Just lie down there and enjoy yourself. Come and see me in my office when you've

finished.

What's your name, then, eh?

Not speaking?

That's all right.

I like a bit of mystery in my willy. Not too much, sir.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, tell you what.

You could eat crackers in my bed any time.

Eh?

That'll teach you to try blackmailing me, you little bastard.

And you can tell whoever it was who sent you that they can stuff the rest of

those photographs because they're not worth the paper they're printed on. Oh,

your wife! What about your wife?

I haven't got one. We were divorced a year ago.

Hello,

Dodger.

Charteris was divorced a year ago.

Why don't you get your record straight?

I nearly had my bleeding neck broken.

I'm not interested in your life, Dodger. I'm at death's door.

Well, don't panic, Sidney. I mean, old Dodger will pull something out of that.

mean, how do you think I've survived so far? That's a bloody good question.

Look, I've got something special for you, Sidney.

A certain gentleman who cannot be divulged, but who is not short of a

fortune or two, is desirous of laying his hands on a certain work of art.

Eh? Have you heard of Picasso?

Now, look.

I'm not having anything to do with the Mafia. The Mafia is pig ignorant.

Picasso is one of the greatest painters ever.

And one of his masterpieces is hanging on the wall of a mansion not very far

from here.

Go on. I want you, dear Sidney, to obtain it by fair means or foul and hang

its place this copy, which I have prepared at great expense.

Well, you're not asking me to pinch a painting. I'm not asking you to pinch a

painting. I'm asking you to arrange a swapping.

And what happens when they find out?

Find out?

They couldn't tell a Picasso from a giraffe's arsehole.

How do we get in at a place?

Pull the old waterboard routine again. Say you've gone round to check the water

pressure and while you're at it, suss the joint out.

Then, having secreted this copy somewhere about your person at the

moment, swap it.

Swap it.

Swap it.

And this time, nothing can go wrong.

Old Dodger gives you his personal guarantee.

After all, it's only a swapping.

What are you doing standing there without a drink in your hand?

Sick's alive.

There's enough liquor around here to sink a battleship. Lucinda, honey.

There. No one shall ever say Loretta Proudfoot lacks one or older of southern

hospitality, even though she is 6 ,000 miles away from home.

Oh, you're Mrs. Proudfoot. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I thought you were a

Oh, no, I'm a plumber. A plumber? Did I call for a plumber?

The council sent me. Your water pressure's all over the place.

That's a darling you've been holding out on me.

Where have you been hiding this one?

This is Hubert, one of my dearest friends.

Hubert, meet... Sid.

What a lovely name.

He's a plumber. A plumber?

How interesting.

Well, you can shove your plunge around my headband any day.

I'll let you over the bleeding head with it.

I'm tired.

I'm butch, dear.

I'll be there to help you.

You must be good, Hubert. He's not afraid to say exactly how he feels.

That's all right. Don't bother me.

Good, because I believe in everybody being themselves.

My late husband, who was a psychiatrist, always said the trouble with the world

was sexual.

Frustration.

Very true. So every now and again I like to have a little get -together where

all my friends can lose all their inhibitions.

Yeah, you mean sort of let it all hang out. Exactly.

Oh, Robin, honey, this is Sid.

My, Samantha's got a sparkle in her eye tonight, haven't you, honey?

She's sparkling at everybody.

I can't keep her away from the men.

You know what I'm like. I get so jealous.

I was in two minds about coming tonight, but she insisted, didn't you, dear?

Oh, she couldn't wait to lose her inhibitions.

The moment she stepped into the room, she took all her clothes off.

With a body like that, how can you blame her? Hasn't she got the most beautiful

shade?

Francesca, tell me.

Do you think I was right to bring her?

Yes. I know why you're saying that.

You fancy her yourself, don't you?

Now, now, Robin.

Sid is not a man to step in between two people who love each other.

You really must try to stop being so jealous, and I mustn't keep you from

duties for one moment longer.

Enjoying yourself, honey?

Fine. By the way, what actually is wrong with my roller?

Well, it's not running properly.

It's driving the whole area out of balance.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You've got my plunger. What?

We're stuck to your arm. Well, I'll have to have it back. Do you mind?

Well, I've got to get it back.

Okay, everyone, it's time to go

fishing. Now, you all know the rules.

Each one of you has to fish for his or her partner, and once you've hooked

they yowls for the night.

One, two, three, everyone into the water!

Eden Picasso's hanging on the wall. Turn around, have a look.

What's that doing there, then?

Well, it's not worth taxes or coffee.

No, I didn't get it.

Why not?

There was a party going on and one thing led to another and I didn't do the

swap. Look, Dodger, I'm not interested in any more of your little schemes.

As much as I need the money, I don't fancy spending next Christmas inside.

Oh, well, Sidney, remember the old saying, if at first you don't succeed,

try, try again. I'm not trying anything else. That's final.

Oh, that's a shame, Sidney.

Because I've got to smash her ear. You couldn't go wrong with this one.

Tower of London.

Dodger.

Stuff it.

Good morning.

Do you buy bikes?

Yeah.

What about this smiting machine out here, Dan?

I'll have a look at it.

Done a lot of mileage, hasn't it?

Just goes to show how honest I am. I could have easily fixed a clock.

Tires are well worn.

Oh, come on. What's a couple of tires?

We won't park, Jane.

Well, no. I've got to sell it, actually.

I don't want to, but I've got no choice.

Need money in our EDM?

No, no. I know the skier who's selling a sports car.

Real bargain.

But I'll never give him the money today.

No go.

Where's the registration book?

Any higher purchase on it?

Yeah, why?

How many payments do you make?

Two.

You can't sell it. It's not yours to sell.

It's my property. I bought it, didn't I?

It's not your property until you've made the last payment.

You mean I can't sell it anywhere?

It's not yours to sell.

You try selling that bike to anybody else and you'll get put inside.

Oh, you're not going away?

Yeah, I've come to say goodbye.

I've got myself a job on one of them oil rigs. I'll be earning thousands.

Oh, that's good news.

When do you leave?

Today.

Wish I could come with you.

Well, I'll be back in a few months.

My pockets will be bulging. We'll have a great time. Go everywhere, see

everything.

Just going down the bank.

Get the money.

That's all right. We'll walk down there with you. Keep your company.

Won't we, stopper?

You still don't trust me, do you, eh?

I'm not going to emigrate. It's only a thousand quid.

That's all right. We'll still walk down there with you.

Governor's orders.

Yeah, well, you don't have to put yourselves out.

You say not you do when that's with you, Sid.

You're not trying anything hard, are you?

Don't tear his clothes.

They'll be worth a few quid when we get them off him.

On second thoughts... Come on, Blackie, the bank will be closed.

So what? You ain't got nothing in it.

I ain't thick.

What's in the bag?

Well, it's my laundry. I passed the laundry on the way to the bank.

Open it up.

You're dead right.

You ain't emigrating.

They don't take cripples in these foreign countries.

Stropper, your moment has come.

I never did you any harm.

I didn't say you did.

It's me job, isn't it?

You never gave me a chance.

You didn't give me enough time.

You're breaking me bleeding out.

Strobber!

Mister, it's private business.

My apologies, but I have to speak to Mr South.

So do we, and we saw him first.

I'm from the Bovine Insurance Company.

He won't be needing any. Push off.

I'm not selling insurance.

Yes, but I know you. I was at the police station when you made a statement about

that lavatory seat.

I remember.

I'm pleased to inform you, Mr. South, that you are due for the reward.

A thousand pounds for giving information leading to the recovery of stolen

property. Now, if you'd just sign this receipt.

Turn your backs, dropper.

My apologies for the interruption, gentlemen.

Good day.

Where's your bank?

Mr. Rockefeller!

Hello, boy. I heard all about your windfall. Yeah, I told you the bookies

lot. Come on, Crappy. I'm back in the market.

Got anything?

Nothing. Get out.

I'm desperate. I'll do anything.

Anything?

Oh, God.

Anything?

Yeah.

I've got something to show you.

What is it?

It's a new mechanical pipe and drain cleaner.

I'm starting a new service.

Drain? Not with me, you're not.

Hang about.

I was thinking of putting you in sole charge of this.

Only because you can't get anyone else. No.

No!

Look here, look. Somebody's got to do it, hasn't they?

It'd be a good rate of pay.

Plenty of overtime.

All right.

Good boy.

You get to learn how to handle that machine, boy, you'll earn a lot of

Yeah, it doesn't work ten times faster.

Here, try it out on our drains here.

Get a bit of practice.

Hello, stranger.

What's your suit?

Yeah, well...

Life has been a bit complicated lately.

Yeah, I know. I heard all about your troubles.

Hey, we are still friends, aren't we?

Yeah, of course we're still friends.

Here, flick that switch, will you?

Oh, wow!