Original subtitles

-[ambulance siren wailing] -[♪ upbeat music playing]

[Lois] No, Wayne, you cannot have it yet.

Something came up. [sighs]

Can we move this along here, please?

You're not wrapping a Christmas present.

-I've got a party to go to. -Lady, your leg is broken.

-[sighs] -You're not going to do anything

except go home and rest.

Less yapping, more wrapping.

Lois, I am so much less high now.

-Sir, please. -And their earlobes are gooshy.

-Gooshy, gooshy. -[chuckles] Stop it.

I want my little hammer back.

[indistinct chatter]

-Bing. -[grunts]

Okay, we'll print your post-treatment orders

-and get you some painkillers. -Yeah, I don't need 'em.

-What are you doing? Sit down. -[♪ comical music playing]

-Your cast is still setting. -[exhales]

You don't even have crutches yet.

You're going to injure yourself even worse.

Then I'll come back after the party tonight

and you can fix that. Come on, Hal.

-Hal? -Oh! Squishy. Oh, squishy.

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ theme music playing]

♪ Life is unfair ♪

[♪ music concludes]

-[birds chirping] -[♪ perky music playing]

Okay, come on, let's go.

Mom and Dad are already there waiting.

Kelly, breathe. It doesn't start till eight.

-You wanna look sharp or not? -I just-- I wish I knew

what revenge Reese had planned for me.

[chuckles] Don't worry about Reese,

'cause you can't do anything about it.

It's like a tornado, except there's no alert.

It's just something you gotta accept.

[Piama gasping] What the hell?

My underwear's already too tight.

Francis! Give me a pair of your mom's granny panties!

Right away, honey!

[♪ party music playing]

Wayne, you need to adjust these speakers.

I'm not talking about the volume.

I'm talking about the mix. That speaker is too quiet,

and these three are too loud.

And did you remember the backup cables I asked for?

I know you don't mean it, but I'm getting a vibe

of impatience bordering on menace,

and it's pushing my agitation levels

past the point of productive conversation.

So, we'll continue this

after I've run cold water over my hands.

-Honey, these-- -Hal, please,

I don't need any help.

Just back off and let me do everything.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I should have realized that my natural enthusiasm

was just adding to your stress. You've got this.

-Everything is already perfect. -Are you-- Are you still high?

No. [smacks lips] I'm just more perceptive

because of the ego death that I experienced

-from my expanded consciousness. -[Lois] Oh.

-This is so yummy. -[sighs]

Let me know if you want a break.

I juggle the sound pizzas every Wednesday

at Shadyside Assisted Living.

Yodeling, barbershop, yodeling, barbershop.

People go nuts. [chuckles]

-[♪ upbeat music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

-Wow, I'm surprisingly nervous. -What's surprising about it?

Yeah, you ghosted these people for years,

and now you have to face them and explain why.

Hey.

-[gasps] Hey. -Here's how I see it.

We both wanna avoid Mom and Dad as long as we can,

so we hide until the spotlight dance,

then come out when they're the happiest.

Before then, it's every man for himself.

Nice. Give me her business card later.

-Malcolm? Malcolm! [gasps] -[both gasp]

[chuckles softly] Are those your friends?

I wouldn't call them my friends.

Malcolm! It-- It's us! Y-- Your friends!

[exhales deeply] Hey, guys.

Oh, how we've missed our fourth musketeer.

Uh, Lloyd, Dabney, Kevin,

this is Tristan and my daughter Leah.

You procreated! What a relief.

The three of us have also created a child.

Like, with a surrogate?

-Sure. -That's our Hubert.

There's an ant!

Don't worry, I have confused him. [chuckles]

So, what have you guys been up to?

GenetiTech Resources.

Incorporated in college and started getting contracts

before we even graduated. Department of Defense.

We're doing so much weird shit.

-Mm. -[chuckles softly]

[gasps] There's your mom.

Uh, Stevie! [pants] Oh, my goodness!

It is so great to see all of you. Oh!

Hi, there.

-This is Tristan and Leah. -Hi. How are you?

I was wonderful. [smacks lips]

Up until the moment I caught my ex-husband

wallowing in his usual vortex of resentment

based on nothing other than his own self-loathing.

But thanks for asking.

Tell your mother I do resent her showing up here

wearing the necklace I gave her 29 years ago

to be my forever love!

It is a slap in the face across space and time!

Tell her.

Dad... [breathes deeply] says...

he does...

resent...

-Run, cowards. -Okay. [chuckles awkwardly]

...you.

All I'm saying is Dewey is stupid

-to be here on a laptop. -Eat my balls, Jamie.

I'm being considerate.

[clears throat] Excuse me. Hey. I--

Sorry, we'll have to get back to you.

-We're all just so busy. -Yeah, we're completely swamped.

I-- I'm sorry. I don't have any excuses.

I just wanna clear the air and make it right.

Please.

Well, it's not like this is the first horrible thing you've ever done.

Hey, Leah, do you wanna hear all the horrible things

-he's ever done? -Yes.

Kids. [claps hands] I need some help.

They put the Chiavari chairs and high tables

in front of the low tables, and it's blocking

the eye line to the stage.

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, somebody who actually likes to hug.

I said I would try it for your birthday.

[sighs] Malcolm, I'm so happy you--

He must have dropped and crawled.

What the heck is wrong with him?

He showed up. Give him a break.

No. Jamie's not ashamed of his family.

You know, how hard it was for him to get permission

to leave the base and come here?

Oh, they don't know that I'm gone.

I'm on guard duty right now.

-[Stevie] ...in... -[slurps]

...the face...

across space... [breathes deeply]

...and... [breathes deeply] ...time.

[slurps, smacks lips] Okay, who wants another one?

Well, you can tell your father to find a dictionary

and look up the meaning of the word "gift"

unless it's like every other thing in our relationship

that came with secret conditions that he would only reveal

when he needs to attack me when I'm at my most vulnerable.

[inhales deeply] She loves you.

[Cadet Drew] Cadet Francis, ten-hut!

[all laugh]

That's what military school did to us, baby.

You'll never shake it.

Hey, boys. Wow, you started early.

I think ten is a respectable age.

We were just raising a toast

to our dear old Commandant Spangler.

[all] Rot in hell, you one-armed bastard! [laugh]

Uh, you wanna tell me what's in the sack?

Are you my parole officer?

-No, seriously, are you? -[both laugh]

We decided to do one last caper for old time's sake.

Nice statue head.

[clears throat] I came. I sawed. I conquered.

-[both laugh] -That's good. [laughs]

We're putting that on the Instagram.

Wait...

It was the most beautiful, transcendent experience.

Abe said you were rolling around naked on filthy linoleum,

-choking yourself. -Transcendently.

Psst, Kelly.

Before you try anything, just remember,

revenge for an unjustified revenge

is justified, but revenge for a justified revenge

is unjustified revenge. Yeah.

Relax, we're in a ceasefire until the party's over.

Could you, uh, sneak me a couple dinner rolls?

[gasps, whimpers]

It's so nice to have someone

I can share my deepest feelings with.

[laughs]

Crap. "Yaassss" sounds like I'm seven.

Quick, change the subject.

Perfect setup. I look great.

[message sent tone playing]

[chuckles softly] I made him nervous.

Cute? Pretty? Hot?

Huh?

Ew. Ew!

Wait, where the hell did you get that mac and cheese?

I brought it from home.

When I get back, I'm expecting a new full-sized plate

handed over without any looks.

There you are, Piama! Oh, my juicy jellybean.

-Oh. -Gretchen, so great to see you.

We were so sorry to hear about Otto.

He didn't suffer. The puma is very quick

-und efficient. [chuckles] -What are you doing now?

I am a doula for cattle. I go from town to town,

cow to cow, helping them give birth.

It's very spiritual. Well, not the cleanup.

That's nasty. [chuckles softly] Well...

[sniffs] Oh, my goodness.

-You have a calf inside you. -[gasps] How did you--

Oh, it's my gift. Boy or girl?

-We don't know yet. -[sniffs] Do you want to?

What the hell? The video of us beheading the statue

got 3,000 dislikes.

Who doesn't love a classic prank?

-Let me see. -[scoffs]

-Uh, where was this statue? -In front of a bar.

Had a creepy vibe, so we didn't go in.

And did this bar have a name?

That was weird, too. It-- It was called Stagness.

What is that? [chuckles] Like, how much you're like a stag?

-[laughs] -Idiots, it's not "Stagness."

It's St. Agnes.

It's a church.

Whose statue do they put in front of churches?

It looks like...

Burger King.

Well, no wonder they're mad. People love that guy.

[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing]

Hubert! Come dance with Dada-Dada-Dada!

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe he was teasing.

What a creep!

My first crush is a creep.

[♪ exciting music playing]

It's been 20 minutes.

I still don't have a better idea.

-Malcolm! -[♪ music playing indistinctly]

[Malcolm in changed voice] Occupied.

You think I wouldn't crawl under and pull you out of there?

[groans, grunts] Can we do this outside the men's room?

Nope. It's gone on long enough. We're gonna straighten everything out

-right here, right now. -[sighs]

We're gonna go back to the party as a family.

The shrimp is bad! The shrimp is bad!

[door closing]

-[Craig groaning] -We're not serving shrimp.

[Craig] I ate something with a tail on it. [groans]

-[farting] -[water splashing]

[Craig] Oh, sweet mother of mercy, it burns!

-Now let's go. -[Craig groaning]

-You can't be serious. -If you wanna get out of here,

you are gonna tell me why you have been doing this.

-[Craig panting] -Come on, out with it.

-[Craig farting] -[Lois exhales sharply]

[Craig] Sorry, I know you didn't mean me.

How do you think one conversation

in a toilet's gonna fix everything?

I don't, but at least it's a start.

What do you wanna do, wait for my funeral?

There's nothing to say!

-It's just the way we are. -[Craig] Easy, boy.

We all just swirl around each other fighting

and taking turns creating disasters!

Yeah, so we drive each other nuts. So, what?

That's what families do.

[sighs] It's more than that. I... [breathes deeply]

I like myself better when I'm not around you.

So you have said.

-[Craig breathing deeply] -And I...

feel bad for who I am when I am around you.

What, you yelling? [chuckles] Spitballs to a battleship.

No, I mean, I know I'm disappointing you.

-[Craig groaning] -What?

[Craig] He said he knows he's disappointing you.

Sorry, I'll be quiet. [farting]

Now I'll be quiet.

Mom, you've always had these gigantic expectations of me.

Like I'm some sort of superhuman brain

that can fix all the world's problems. I'm sorry, I can't.

And I can't deal with that pressure.

When did I ever pressure you?

You said I had to become president of the United States!

[exhales] President? Is-- Is that what this is about?

[Craig whimpering]

Malcolm, that was just a plan.

Uh, plans aren't contracts. They're just plans.

Your father and I have made hundreds of them,

and look at us. Barely ever work out,

so we just make some new ones.

Yeah, you can't take it that seriously.

[Craig speaking indistinctly, panting]

That was you lying?

[shouts] You've been lying to me?

All this time?

Do you know the kind of trauma you caused me for a lie?

-[music stops] -[Malcolm] Making me suffer

-under your lie for 18 years? -[gasps]

What kind of Satanic monster are you?

[Craig groaning, farting]

-[♪ thrilling music playing] -Aw, they found each other.

-[music playing indistinctly] -We tried to give you

very specific positive goals to help you get through college,

so you wouldn't just party and drop out

and end up in a homeless shelter.

That was called good parenting.

You don't even care about the constant stress

and anxiety of trying to live up to that?

[breathes shakily] Do you realize that my--

My degrees, my charity, the-- The awards,

my beautiful, perfect daughter, finding a woman

who loves me for me and makes my life complete,

all of that was based on your lie?

How could you do that to me? [breathes deeply]

Wait.

Malcolm, you've accomplished so much.

And all of it is you.

-[Craig groaning] -It's just you.

You're a good father. You're a good man.

Better than we ever hoped.

And I wish we didn't upset you so much,

and I can't say it's ever gonna get better.

I just miss you.

-I miss you too. [cries softly] -[Craig groaning, farting]

I'm trying so hard to hold it in,

it just makes the pitch go higher!

Please, let's just get out of here.

-[chuckles] Yeah, uh... -Oh, by the way,

-I love my granddaughter. -Yeah, that's pretty easy.

-And I approve of Tristan. -[Malcolm] Thanks.

I mean, I don't actually need your approval.

I know, but I approve anyway.

Thanks. I really love her.

I think I love her like you and Dad.

-[door opening] -[♪ soft music playing]

We are no longer friends. [gags]

[Craig] We'll discuss it after dessert. Oh!

Hey, Dad. Looking good.

All better now? Glad we're past that.

We're not past it yet, Reese.

-Did we miss anything? -Hold me higher.

-I can't see his face. -You are in for it now.

-All right, all right,. -You're right.

-It's your moment. -We'll pile on later.

Dad...

there's no point in me saying I'm sorry.

I'm always sorry.

But this is different.

I not only took advantage of you,

I did it by pretending to have a closer,

more loving relationship.

I know how horrible I made you feel.

And the horrible thing for me...

is I was faking the relationship I always wanted with you.

Way to take all the fun out of it.

-[sighs] Yeah, nice. -Thanks, man.

That is the most honest apology I have ever heard.

[all groan]

But it is completely meaningless.

-Wait, it's good again. -Oh! Dude.

You have always counted on the fact

that no matter what you do, I will always love you,

and that is just true. It is for all of you.

I-- I assumed the love was just there

in every cell of my body,

and I was helpless to prevent it.

But then I realized that that was just for your mother.

You guys are completely different.

You're so unfailingly destructive and--

and self-absorbed and oblivious that you--

you-- You make it so damn difficult that my genuine,

deep love is an actual act of heroism.

Well, do you realize how good that makes me feel about myself?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that gift.

[chuckles]

Especially you.

I, uh, yeah.

Are you sure everything's ready?

Don't worry.

Don't worry everything's ready or just don't worry?

Whatever answer makes you stop glaring at me,

I don't like it.

Ah, it's too late now, anyway.

[microphone feedback]

Can I have your attention, please? Everyone?

[sighing]

This is such an important day for me.

After 40 years of frustration,

Hal has finally let me celebrate our relationship my way.

-[indistinct chatter, laughter] -[Lois] My way.

[chuckles] Today is happening exactly the way

I always wanted it to.

Because, honey, for once...

for once...

it's not about me.

It's about you.

[guests] Oh. [chuckle]

[chuckles, sighs]

Happy anniversary, sweetheart. [chuckles, kisses]

This has taken so many online tutorials

and equipment rentals and crazy expensive laptop

I've been hiding from you. And I hope you like it.

What would you like people to know about your father?

Dad is a complicated man.

[chuckles] Uh, no, he's not.

He's the least complex man of all time,

which I love.

I spend so much time touring in different cities.

Sometimes, I don't know where I am,

and then Dad calls.

He doesn't understand time zones,

and it's always, like, 4:00 in the morning.

But it's still very thoughtful.

Two minutes talking to him, I feel like I'm home.

Anyway, it got me thinking, and I wrote this.

[plays piano]

For me, the most singular thing about Dad is his stamina.

The sheer amount of grief he could stomach.

I got in trouble, got in fights, got suspended, got expelled.

Twice.

But Dad was always unfailingly patient with me.

The first time I met Hal--

Oh, got married to you without telling them.

That was a big one.

Anyway, I was dreading it.

As far as I knew, all dads were drunk and mean,

but he was always so steady and reliable.

Now, he feels like my real dad.

[gasps] Got arrested three times.

No, arrested twice, expelled three times.

[scattered laughter]

We were all pretty wild.

But my brothers, they-- They were so far ahead of me

that I needed to find my own thing.

So, I chose noise.

I especially like the sound of crashing.

Dishes, lamps, big windows, little windows.

If you know what you're doing, I mean, you can create these frequencies

that rip right through your brain. [chuckling]

And when Dad stopped me, he was always so...

gentle about it.

I mean, it-- It really made me want to be peaceful.

I really appreciated his tenderness.

Even though, kind of a tough guy.

I mean, look at these beasts!

Can the love of your life be a man?

Another heterosexual man? I say "Yes."

A thousand times, yes.

When someone is that loving and giving and honest and true,

you can't stop it. You understand?

He's not just my best friend. He's the best person.

No one disagree with me on this one.

[inhales deeply] Hal... [exhales]

...is. A. Great. Man.

[laughs hysterically]

Everyone expects me to talk about how forgiving and accepting he is.

And he totally is with me.

I don't know why I do what I do.

I actually asked a therapist about it,

but he was all,

"I don't know you and I don't work for free."

But what I'm really thankful

for is the optimism he gave me.

I still wake up every day thinking I'll be better.

-He's always cheerful. -And honest.

-And helpful. -An-- And wise.

And honest.

-I said it already. -Oh right.

-You already said that. -[Trey] Oh, give me a minute.

-[laughs] -I admire his enthusiasm

and his courage. I mean, he'll try anything

-and make us do it, too. -Mm-hmm.

Ah, our vocal group, fire-walking.

-Fire-walking! -[Trey laughing]

And don't forget insightful.

Nobody else recognized that my bluster was just a cover

to hide my shame at ruining Secret Santa.

-[mouthing] I did. -And he's incredibly generous.

Especially, when he's playing poker!

[all laugh hysterically]

Hey, Dad. I'm sorry this is so rushed,

but I'm totally swamped. But I wanted to say I love you.

Um, I admire your decency and your honesty and your...

hair. So, happy birth-- Anniversary.

Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?

I was like, five...

when I started feeling wrong.

I thought I was great at hiding it

because you guys never said anything.

But then...

I had this one really shitty day in fifth grade

with the other kids and--

and even my teacher. [breathes shakily]

When... When I had little kid problems,

I'd just go to Dad

and he'd clown around and make me feel better.

And-- And I wanted to do that, but...

instead I just blurted out, "Dad, am I wrong?"

And...

he was looking at me, and-- and I knew that he knew...

and had always known.

And... [hesitates]

I could tell he was thinking, like...

really hard. [breathes deeply]

And I was terrified. [sobs softly]

And then--

Then he finally said... [inhales]

"You could be nicer to your mom sometimes."

So, yeah, [inhales shakily] I like him.

-Sincere. -Loyal.

-Heartwarming. -Tenderness.

-Brave. -Honest.

-Faithful. -Incredible.

-Remarkable. -Vibrant.

-[voice 1] Twinkling. -[voice 2] Loving.

-[voice 3] Determined. -[voice 4] Fearless.

-[voice 5] Considerate. -[voice 6] Sparkling.

[overlapping echoing voices complimenting]

[voices stop]

[Lois] Love.

[♪ music concludes]

[Wayne] We did it! Whoo-hoo! All minds are beautiful minds.

Hal... [sighs] ...when we first met...

I knew I'd been looking for you my entire life. [sobs]

[guests sob]

You're my wish come true.

[guests sobbing]

[indistinct chatter on radio]

[guests applauding, cheering]

[Malik] Bravo.

[guests cheering, applauding]

No one's ever done anything like that for me.

No one ever let us.

[Malcom clearing throat] Excuse me?

It feels weird to insert myself into this moment, but if...

I don't do it now, I'm afraid I never will.

Dad...

I'm sorry for how crappy my part in that was.

I didn't realize how much this meant.

How much you meant.

I'm sorry.

I thought I was improving myself by being away from you.

But instead I forgot the important things

I learned from you. "Give everyone a chance."

"Love is brave."

"Don't stop believing."

I know where you got that one, but it's still good.

So...

love is brave.

-Tristan. -[gasps]

I am so flawed.

There are so many parts of my personality

that don't work right, but I love you so much.

Will you marry me?

No! [chuckles dryly]

-Ooh. -Oh.

[indistinct gasping]

That doesn't work for everything, Stevie.

Malcolm...

I love you so much.

But we both just found out

we've been keeping gigantic, awful secrets from each other.

We have to figure that out before we do anything.

[indistinct whispering]

Except sex. We'll definitely have sex later.

[guests cheer]

[chuckles]

[♪ upbeat party music playing]

[both smooching, breathing heavily]

Sweetie, get off your phone. It's a party.

Go talk to that little weirdo. He looks lonely.

[breathing deeply, kissing, moaning]

-Hi. I'm Leah. -Hubert.

Who ordered you to approach me?

-My-- My grandma. -She could tell I was lonely.

[chuckles softly] Just as I could tell you're lonely.

It's probably because you're odd.

-I am. -Well, then...

-we're a match made in heaven. -Don't do eyebrows.

And you're already giving me good advice.

-We're blossoming. -[chuckles]

Hi, would you like to join

what may become a super-cool friend group?

Yeah, okay. Thanks.

Can I ask you guys about something really embarrassing?

If you knew me better, you wouldn't. But go ahead.

[♪ music concludes]

[Wayne] Ladies and gentlemen,

we present the anniversary dance under the spotlight.

Please remember, they chose the music.

-[indistinct applauding] -What have you done?

I don't know what you're talking about.

-Hal? -Well, it's just a silly,

little, romantic thing. It's no big deal.

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

[♪ romantic music playing, The Bangles "Eternal Flame"]

♪ Do you understand? Do you feel the same? ♪

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

♪ I believe It's meant to be, darling ♪

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

[groans]

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

[guests cheer]

Oh, my God, it's like being in a dream.

You are a dream.

♪ ...an eternal flame? ♪

[screams]

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

♪ Or is this burning... ♪

[all coughing]

♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

♪ Do you understand? Do you feel the same? ♪

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

♪ An eternal flame ♪

♪ Close your eyes Give me... ♪

-[♪ song concludes] -[indistinct clamoring]

[gasps]

Oh! Lois, Lois. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that-- That wasn't supposed to-- I--

I didn't mean to.

Do you like it?

[♪ joyous music playing, concludes]

[electricity sparking]

This is the most incontestable forfeit

of a security deposit of all time.

[chuckles] And well worth it.

-Ow! -What?

What the hell? My leg is killing me.

When the hell did I get a cast?

-[♪ light-hearted music playing] -Having friends is awesome.

I had no idea. We talked everything out,

and they gave me a whole new perspective.

So, I am going to send a picture.

Well, a screenshot. To his parents.

And every girl in school.

Teachable moment.

Just so you know,

Grandma actually helped me solve a problem.

Really? How?

Well, by bossing me around about something completely different.

That's the M.O.

It just occurred to me. My next poo is gonna be amazing.

[chuckles]

Nice job ruining the anniversary.

Me? Everything would've been fine

if those rafters were spaced properly.

Bull, those rafters are exactly to code.

[Francis] They absolutely are not.

For God's sakes, Reese.

Building codes specify different rafter spacing

for four-by-sixes and four-by-eights,

and you can't tell the dimensions from down here.

And when a zipper sticks, you don't keep yanking on it.

You pull gently and wiggle it side to side.

That's another thing, that cheap zipper.

There's tons of things to blame. Tomorrow, we'll get down to city hall...

Well, I guess this is my life again.

I just have to do everything I can

to make it work.

Mostly, because I can't think of any way out it. [sighs]

I hope Leah's gonna be okay with this family.

I like this family.

I feel so much less weird by comparison.

I hope Dad's gonna be able to handle it.

-I'm sure he'll be fine. -I'm sure she'll be fine.

[♪ music concludes]

♪ Freak-A-Zoids, robots ♪

♪ Please report to the dance floor ♪

[♪ upbeat pop music playing, Midnight Star "Freak-A-Zoid"]

♪ I'll be your Freak-a-Zoid Come on and wind me up ♪

♪ Ooh dance baby ♪

♪ Shake your body like you just don't care ♪

♪ I said ♪

♪ I'll be your Freak-A-Zoid Come on and wind me up ♪

♪ System engaged so I'm ‘bout to soar ♪

♪ Let me show you how to land it on the dance floor ♪

♪ Rock back and forth spaceship on another flight ♪

-♪ Let me teach you how to... ♪ -♪ Rock Baby ♪

♪ I'll be your Freak-A-Zoid Come on and wind me up ♪

♪ Z-O-I-D-S Rock baby ♪

♪ I'll be your Freak-A-Zoid Come on and wind me up ♪

[♪ song concludes]