Original subtitles

[♪ whimsical music playing]

I've been calling and calling,

and Tristan still won't respond to me.

So I'm sending my child in to talk to her for me.

I know. It's like all my guardrails are gone.

-[indistinct chatter] -Ooh, ooh.

[♪ music concludes]

She doesn't want to talk to you.

That's all she said? You were in there for a half hour.

She likes talking to me.

Did you tell her she can call me any time, or text me,

or come over? That I'll do

whatever she asks to make it better?

Yeah, I said you were a desperate lunatic.

-Did she like that? -Dad.

Tell me exactly what she said.

She wants you to deal with this mess you made.

So do I.

Their anniversary is tomorrow. We can still go.

Then we can both be in your family.

[all chuckle]

I can't remember a nicer Christmas.

-[Kelly] This is so nice! -I love all my presents.

-[indistinct chatter] -That's great!

Reese, the amazing dinner you made,

cleaning everything by yourself, all your presents,

so thoughtful and generous.

You really made this the best Christmas

-we've ever had. -Oh.

So, I'm the reason every other Christmas was crap?

-Huh? N... No, I-- -Yes, Reese, you're the reason

why every other Christmas was crap.

Well, look who blames everyone but himself, as usual.

Hey, you can't criticize anyone.

Nice drugstore perfume, Richie Rich.

Better than "a donation was made in your name."

How am I supposed to turn that in for cash?

[Francis] Well, at least we spelled your name right on the card, you moron.

Who gives black socks at Christmas?

Why did you have to ruin this?

Thanks for dragging me here. Now, I hate Christmas!

[overlapping chatter]

No. Not possible. You don't understand.

I'm protecting the people that I love

from the people that I love.

Listen, it was unfair of me to make you my go-between.

No child should be burdened with this kind of thing.

-We agree on one thing. -What have I done?

No! She's the one! [cries]

Leah, never fall in love with someone

that's better than you, okay?

You'll just end up disappointing them

and disgusting yourself! Idiot! Idiot! No! [cries]

-I feel like if I comfort him... -[Malcolm] Idiot!

-... he'll keep going. -[Malcolm] Idiot! Idiot!

Tristan! I'm so--

♪ Life is unfair ♪

-[♪ whimsical music playing] -[sighs]

What a rip.

Hmm.

Oh, hello.

-Oh. -[♪ whimsical music playing]

[grunts] Okay, be that way.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Mom, Reese finally worked up the courage

to come out of hiding and face your righteous anger.

She's out shopping all day.

I hid under her car until she drove off. [chuckles]

-What do you want? -Revenge.

What did I do?

You found out what I did. Do you know what this is?

-A completely trashed room. -Do you know what room?

-No. -Because you're a goody-goody

and you've never been there.

It's your principal's office. You trashed it.

-What? -As a protest over the slow pace

of progress on diversity and inclusion.

What'd you do? Leave a note saying,

-"I did it. Love, Kelly." -[Reese] Oh, please.

I went pro 20 years before you were born.

It's easy.

Copy your handwriting just well enough

to look like it's you trying to disguise it.

Scrape your social media for characteristic phrasing.

"There's no activism without transgression."

-You gave me that! -[gasps]

See what I did to the picture of his baby?

That's gonna focus some feelings.

What is wrong with you?

You'll never know. The court sealed that report.

[♪ music concludes]

[gags] I'm coming, Momma!

Must untangle umbilical cord!

[pants] I see light!

I could take the squirming

if I didn't have to see his hangy stuff.

[grunts] Oh! [whimpers]

[screams] I made it, Momma! Hello, world! [laughs]

[wailing]

My, my. What a big, strong voice.

Hello there. I'm Hal.

-[sighs] -How you feeling?

Hot and dizzy and nauseous.

I called my mom and she said

she felt like this every day for nine months

and that's why she never liked me.

I've been thinking a lot about my mom's list.

-Oh, jeez. -No, it's good. I realized

I haven't been fair to her.

She's got Dad to deal with,

Malcolm and Reese are giant assholes.

She's older now.

She doesn't feed on the chaos like she used to.

Wow. I'm so proud of you.

You've matured just in time to be a dad.

Anyway, she's freaking out about the money

she's spending at the party,

so I was thinking we're doing okay.

We could help out. Maybe our present

is that we kick in a thousand dollars toward the party.

I think that's nice. Wait a minute.

You're just trying to move up her list.

One spot.

We're having a damn baby.

How is that not at least top seven?

Yes, we're having a damn baby.

How can you still be so fixated on your mother?

Because it's making me nuts!

Since the day I was born,

I've always been her biggest problem.

The first-grade fires, the summer camp riots,

the freshman plea deal.

She nearly went completely bald from the stress I was causing.

-I don't know. I got used to it. -And even recognizing

how futile and self-destructive it is,

you're still gonna embrace this insanity?

Yes, you get it! Love you.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, you said that? You're so brave.

Yeah, you know I don't care what those guys think.

You gotta float above it. That's what I do.

It's easy when you're pretty.

I don't know. I think everyone has stuff they worry about.

Is the cafeteria doing burgers or stir fry on Monday?

Stir fry. Monday's always stir fry.

I knew I'd be good at flirting.

-[knocking at the door] -Come in!

[chuckles softly] Hi, honey.

Sorry again about this morning, but I want you to know

I've done some hard introspection,

and I'm in a calmer place now.

-Okay. -I mean, I'm still heartbroken.

But I accept that it is over between Tristan and me.

So now I'm sad.

But it's a healthy kind of sad that I can work to get past

by focusing on the good things in my life, like you.

I'm going to focus more on you.

-I'm actually fine with w-- -I know it's the last thing

a kid your age wants is more time with Daddy.

But I had a great idea.

Do you remember Old School Manny's?

-Yes. -It's still open.

-We haven't been there in years. -Oh, I love that place.

-Me too. -The fries were amazing.

-They were disgusting. -No! Really?

Everything about that place was disgusting.

There was cockroaches in the bathroom.

The video games were sticky.

One time, I got a Band-Aid in my sandwich.

I don't remember it like that.

Because you were little, and it was our place.

We talked about school and your dreams and...

Why Mom left if she loved me so much.

Yeah, I never had a great answer for that one.

But let's go to dinner tonight. Me and you.

All right? They still have Zombie Massacre III.

We can play, and tomorrow, we'll compare nightmares.

That sounds great.

I'm really looking forward to it.

[♪ whimsical music playing]

You can go back to talking to that boy.

Can't wait.

[Kelly] You look nice and comfy.

I assume you're here to beg for mercy?

No. Actually, I'm here to thank you.

This whole thing has been a real learning experience.

I learned what you're capable of.

I learned that the desire for revenge

can go way too far and hurt someone.

I learned I'm comfortable with that.

I learned your social security number is 987654327.

I learned how to contact the IRS anonymous tip line

about unreported video income.

[scoffs] I don't have unreported income.

Then you'll be fine.

The IRS isn't going to listen to a stupid teenager.

I worried about that too. But Agent Miller said

the national debt is 35 trillion dollars

and they'll listen to anybody.

O... Okay, you've won.

I've done this a long time, so I know.

Hmm.

At this point, any revenge I try

is not just going to be pointless.

It's also going to blow back and hurt me.

And somehow, I'm still looking forward to doing it.

I keep looking at this font. I can't decide.

Is this celebratory, romantic, or is this just cliched?

I'm running out of time. What do you think?

I think I clock out in five minutes.

Ten seconds later, I won't remember this interaction.

Yeah, you're right. It's cliched.

Hi, Abe. I have been calling Hal all day,

and he's not answering. Where are you guys?

-Lois, yes, yes. -[Hal groaning]

Lovely to hear from you.

All ready for your party tomorrow?

No, because I need Hal's help. Where is he? Where are you guys?

I can hear the excitement in your voice.

We are all looking forward to it.

-Abe! -[Abe] Yes,

we're just finishing up our haircuts.

It's taking much longer than we thought.

Mario is being overly precise.

[imitates radio static] Oops! We're heading into a tunnel.

-[Hal speaking indistinctly] -Barbershop... tunnel.

[groans]

I don't understand how you look exactly like me

and so much better than me.

Even your socks. I'll never have socks like that.

Hal, you have everything I have. I'm you.

-[scoffs] Come on. -[both chuckle]

I'm enjoying this, but we are here to work.

Can you tell me about Hal?

From the moment I had any self-awareness,

I have been gripped by a pervasive fear.

Fear has been my constant companion,

not as a condition or an abstraction,

but something tangible, embodied.

Interesting. Please, go on.

Like when I was seven, and our whole house shook

and heaved with the weight of my father's broken dreams.

Fear was already there, almost like a big brother.

-Your fear? -[teen Hal] Yeah, my fear.

Fear taught me things I needed in life.

Always say yes,

because you'll probably never get another chance.

And to never let go of what you've got,

because anything can be taken away from you like that.

That sounds like such a hard way to live, Hal.

Oh, you bet. Fear made it hard sometimes.

But I don't think I would have gotten

anywhere in life without his vigilance. Right?

Right. Anything worth doing is worth doing in a cold sweat.

See? A tough lesson delivered with kindness.

-Ah. -Thanks, man.

-He reminds me of someone. -Trent Reznor.

Ah, yes! [chuckles] Thank you.

Let's move on. I think we're getting somewhere.

I... I used to think that taking care of my kids

was my purpose.

The best, most important thing I could ever do.

[chuckles] You know, it really swallows up

every bit of your attention and concern,

and plans for the future.

And?

And, uh, as every kid grew up and moved out,

I had more and more bandwidth, and...

I... I finally realized...

they didn't need me anymore.

So, no meaning...

no purpose.

I... [sniffles] I'm nothing.

Hal, you've been so focused on your family's needs,

you never thought about your own.

Your inner resources are depleted

because you've never nourished them.

I haven't thought about it like that.

Hal, the key to this

is what they always tell you on airplanes.

You have to put your own mask...

on first.

Whoa!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hey, Piama and I can see

how stressed you are about the party,

but we both think an achievement like 40 years of marriage

needs to be celebrated,

so we're giving you a thousand bucks toward it.

[gasps] Thanks.

Hi, this is Lois.

Is that upgrade to the sound system

still available? Fifteen hundred dollars, right?

Let's do it.

No. I gave you that to help your money problems.

You're not supposed to put yourself

another five hundred in the hole.

I have to spend what I need to make this the way I want.

And you need to stop obsessing about the list.

-It's only a number. -Then move me up one.

That's not how the list works.

You're only doing this because you get some sort of sick thrill

out of making me feel small.

That's it. I am done.

You need to get a grip on yourself

because I am not going to indulge

in this stupidity anymore.

What's that?

It's just more party stuff like all the other party stuff.

Huh.

Do not make a thing about this.

Booties? Little bunny booties?

Little bunny baby booties

for your widdle bunny baby grandchild?

They were on sale, and I can return them.

-I knew it was important to you. -Go away!

What's my number now, Mom? What's my number now?

So decapitation is back, back, up, high kick, forward, down?

No, that pulls their hearts out and stuffs it in their throats.

-Hmm. -[chuckles]

You know, if you want, we can go somewhere decent instead.

I don't care.

Anywhere I go with you is the best place in the world.

Dad, quit it. Can you get my bag from the back?

Sure.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[grunts] What the hell? Ow!

What are you doing-- Oh!

-[whimpers] -[grunts]

-Ow! Ow! Ow! -[grunts]

[Malcolm] Why would you do this to me?

[both grunt]

[♪ music continues]

[Malcolm groans]

[♪ music concludes]

I can't believe how much

I've learned from you already, Perfect Hal.

I wish I was you.

You still don't get it, Regular Hal.

I'm the you inside you.

You have to start taking care of your own needs.

Create space for the best Hal to grow and thrive.

You have to let go of the people holding you back.

People?

Your family, Hal. And their constant demands.

I love my family.

They're termites nibbling away at your happiness.

Stop the nibbling, Hal. They've got to go.

Go where?

[gasps] You want me to kill them?

New ideas can be challenging.

And there's no growth without pain.

But it doesn't have to be you feeling that pain.

Oh, my God. You're not Perfect Hal.

I was just dazzled by your socks. You're Evil Hal.

[both grunt]

You're nothing but a gorgeous monster! [grunts]

-[grunts] -You're being ridiculous, Hal.

[skittle crash echoes]

-[grunts] -You can't beat me!

-[typewriter dings] -[Evil Hal grunts]

-[cat clock meows] -[Hal grunts]

[Hal groans]

Hmm.

-[Evil Hal whispers] Bang. -[groans]

[Evil Hal whistles]

[Hal pants]

[♪ music pauses]

-[♪ music resumes] -[groans, wheezes]

[♪ music concludes]

You need to grow up, Hal.

You spent your entire life pretending I didn't exist

because you knew this would happen.

So, what do you want to do first?

I think we start small.

Do the "success builds on success" thing.

And how about the look?

Let's go with darker colors, huh?

-I love you. -What?

[chuckles softly]

I love you.

[scoffs]

-You're terrified of me. -No, I'm not.

Well, there's nothing scary about you.

I don't blame Fear. He was trying his best, but...

hiding you away from me just made you seem

more powerful than you are.

[voice pitch rising] I am powerful!

No, you're needy and insubstantial, and--

-Well, delicate. -[pitch rises higher] Stop this!

One tiny little tile of the mosaic of me.

Oh, I have hundreds of different little Hals

inside me telling me things.

That's why I'm so easily confused.

[Evil Hal in squeaky voice] No! No!

-You'll be okay. -[Evil Hal] No!

You'll have lots of little friends.

-[Evil Hal screams] No! -Oh, there, there.

I got you, buddy. Here.

[Manjushri] Congratulations, Hal.

Ooh!

You vanquished the inner demon and cast off false duality.

Well done.

Bodhisattva Manjushri Kamarabhuta?

[clicks tongue] Call me Arapachana.

How would I know who you are? I wouldn't know that.

It's the collective unconscious. Jung has a--

It's boring, don't worry about it.

What's important is that you are now worthy

of meeting your animal partner.

They will be your guide, your mentor, and your guardian.

Where? [shrieks]

-[squeaks] -What is that?

[squeaks]

Can't I get a wolf or a panther?

No one chooses their animal partner.

It chooses you.

I mean, I have a 12-foot blue lion,

but they're all great.

It's leading you somewhere.

-But... -Hey, I'm not making you

do the mantras or contemplate the five skandhas.

I'm not making you achieve an inconceivable state

without obstruction or form.

We're cutting a lot of corners here,

so just follow the rat.

-[♪ playful instrumental music playing] -[rat squeals]

[Hal pants]

-[rat squeals] -[pants]

Rat friend?

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ whimsical instrumental music playing]

-[gasps, chuckles] -[♪ music continues]

[gasps]

[gasps, chuckles]

That's it! That's it! I get it!

[shouts] Yes!

[♪ music concludes]

Okay, each of you, tell me again what you're doing tomorrow.

Mom, come on, it's late. We're tired.

We've gone over it. We know what our jobs are.

Stop treating us like half-witted toddlers.

This isn't about you doing your jobs.

This is about managing my anxiety.

I can't find your father,

and they sent me pillar candles instead of taper candles,

so now I have to shave them into the proper shape,

and wax is not a forgiving medium.

I mean, look at this. That's too tapered!

Obviously, I am losing it, so please, let's just do this,

and then you can go to sleep. Kelly.

Blow up balloons, then make sure the tables are completely set

before I put out the favor bags.

-Piama. -Check the rentals

against your list. Verify there are no scratches

or dents before I give those crooks one red cent.

-Francis. -Make sure all 50 parking spaces

are clear. Set up a separate supply area

and signage for your signature cocktails,

the Fuzzy Lois and the Halgarita.

-I'll keep working on the names. -Thank you!

[Kelly] Halgarita, really?

-Hello. -[Leah] Hi, Grandma. It's Leah.

I've got great news.

We're coming to your party after all.

Dad just changed his mind out of the blue.

-See you there. -[groans] Please slow down.

I promise I won't try to jump out again.

It's eleven more hours to Grandma and Grandpa's.

-We're not slowing down. -[groans]

Oh, move a little that way.

You're gonna get blood on my dress.

That dress is a really good color for you.

Thank you. And you're gonna look amazing

in your outfit, like a hot 18-year-old.

-[both chuckle] -This is insanity!

You've committed an actual kidnapping!

Does this mean we're back together?

This is an intervention.

You're addicted to being an idiot

and we are helping you.

You can't spend the rest of your life

lying and hiding and denying your family even exists.

It worked perfectly until they showed up.

But Dad, stop. Please, stop.

You're not protecting me from your family drama.

You're the one keeping it going.

I'm trying to be a good father. I don't know...

If I should know something and you keep it a secret,

you aren't saving me, you're stealing from me.

My choice, my self-respect, my trust in you.

Daddy, I need all of those things.

[♪ pop song playing over radio]

Oh, my God. You're right. You're completely right.

I am so sorry.

I should have told you..

All this secrecy is just so toxic.

[♪ song continues]

Twelve years ago, I was arrested for attempted murder.

-Whoa! -Y... You what?

I didn't think it was important to tell you

until we were serious,

and then with your whole political thing,

I just didn't know how to bring it up.

And it wasn't even murder. I mean, I totally got off.

You tried to murder someone? [gasps]

My mom was dating this guy

and one time he beat her up, and I got him arrested.

But all of his buddies were cops and he got out the next morning.

He came straight to my apartment and kicked my door in,

-and I shot him. -You know how to shoot people?

-[Malcolm pants] -Obviously!

When the cops came, Jenna, my roommate,

told them what happened, but all of his buddies

believed him, and I got arrested.

-[scoffs] Cops. -Yeah.

Yeah. It took a couple of weeks

for everyone to figure out the truth

and dismiss the charges.

And by the way, it took me a lot of work

to finally get my arrest record sealed.

Okay. [exhales]

But it did get in some newspapers.

And all over the internet.

Because I was naked when I shot him. In the balls.

You cannot lose this woman.

Wait. I remember.

-You're "Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang"? -[chuckles]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

-[gasps] -Drugs? Drugs?

-The party is tonight! -Honey, I have great news!

-Get in the car! -[Hal grunts]

If it's not one damn thing it's another.

You are not going to beat me!

I had the most amazing breakthrough.

-Not now. Carl, you still there? -[Carl] Yeah.

You delivered the wrong projector.

I specifically asked for 4K at 2700 lumens.

You sent 2000 lumens at 1080p.

[Carl] What the hell are you talking about?

I figured it out. No one realizes it,

but I'm their birthday cake.

Everyone can take slices of happiness from me

whenever they want. And I never run out of slices.

That's who I am. I'm an inexhaustible cake.

-You're not a cake. Carl? -[Carl] Yep?

Here it is. Contract. Page 2, item 10 63.

I want the right projector, Carl.

Honey, are you worried about that herd of buffalo

-coming up on your left? -[Lois] Sweetheart, please.

-I'm busy. -Okay, but they look kind of peevish.

[driver] I'm sorry. Are you guys all right?

[Hal bellows like a buffalo]

Don't worry, honey, I'm establishing dominance.

Honey?

[♪ rock music playing, They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"]

♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

[♪ music concludes]

[male voice] Yeah.