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1
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,460
[♪ whimsical music playing]
2
00:00:09,550 --> 00:00:10,760
I've been calling and calling,
3
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:12,510
and Tristan
still won't respond to me.
4
00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:14,970
So I'm sending my child
in to talk to her for me.
5
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,470
I know. It's like all
my guardrails are gone.
6
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,560
-[indistinct chatter]
-Ooh, ooh.
7
00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:25,480
[♪ music concludes]
8
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:27,440
She doesn't want to talk to you.
9
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:29,980
That's all she said? You were
in there for a half hour.
10
00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:31,610
She likes talking to me.
11
00:00:31,780 --> 00:00:34,240
Did you tell her she can call me
any time, or text me,
12
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,820
or come over? That I'll do
13
00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:37,450
whatever she asks
to make it better?
14
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,280
Yeah, I said you were
a desperate lunatic.
15
00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:40,740
-Did she like that?
-Dad.
16
00:00:40,950 --> 00:00:42,160
Tell me exactly what she said.
17
00:00:42,290 --> 00:00:43,870
She wants you to deal
with this mess you made.
18
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,250
So do I.
19
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,170
Their anniversary is tomorrow.
We can still go.
20
00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:50,460
Then we can both be in your family.
21
00:00:51,630 --> 00:00:53,300
[all chuckle]
22
00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:54,420
I can't remember a nicer Christmas.
23
00:00:54,510 --> 00:00:57,010
-[Kelly] This is so nice!
-I love all my presents.
24
00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:58,390
-[indistinct chatter]
-That's great!
25
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,970
Reese,
the amazing dinner you made,
26
00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:03,560
cleaning everything by yourself,
all your presents,
27
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,100
so thoughtful and generous.
28
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,810
You really made this
the best Christmas
29
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,310
-we've ever had.
-Oh.
30
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,520
So, I'm the reason
every other Christmas was crap?
31
00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:13,030
-Huh? N... No, I--
-Yes, Reese, you're the reason
32
00:01:13,110 --> 00:01:14,740
why every other Christmas
was crap.
33
00:01:14,820 --> 00:01:17,280
Well, look who blames everyone
but himself, as usual.
34
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,950
Hey, you can't criticize anyone.
35
00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:20,830
Nice drugstore perfume,
Richie Rich.
36
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:23,450
Better than "a donation
was made in your name."
37
00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:25,000
How am I supposed
to turn that in for cash?
38
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,540
[Francis] Well, at least we spelled
your name right on the card, you moron.
39
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,380
Who gives black socks
at Christmas?
40
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:31,130
Why did you have to ruin this?
41
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,800
Thanks for dragging me here.
Now, I hate Christmas!
42
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,010
[overlapping chatter]
43
00:01:35,590 --> 00:01:38,300
No. Not possible.
You don't understand.
44
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,350
I'm protecting the people
that I love
45
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:42,260
from the people that I love.
46
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,350
Listen, it was unfair of me
to make you my go-between.
47
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,690
No child should be burdened
with this kind of thing.
48
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,020
-We agree on one thing.
-What have I done?
49
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:55,030
No! She's the one! [cries]
50
00:01:55,150 --> 00:01:57,280
Leah, never fall in love
with someone
51
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,530
that's better than you, okay?
52
00:01:58,610 --> 00:01:59,660
You'll just end up
disappointing them
53
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:05,370
and disgusting yourself!
Idiot! Idiot! No! [cries]
54
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:06,960
-I feel like if I comfort him...
-[Malcolm] Idiot!
55
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,620
-... he'll keep going.
-[Malcolm] Idiot! Idiot!
56
00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:11,290
Tristan! I'm so--
57
00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:16,970
♪ Life is unfair ♪
58
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:22,550
-[♪ whimsical music playing]
-[sighs]
59
00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:27,270
What a rip.
60
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,690
Hmm.
61
00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:33,980
Oh, hello.
62
00:02:35,190 --> 00:02:40,450
-Oh.
-[♪ whimsical music playing]
63
00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:46,080
[grunts] Okay, be that way.
64
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,920
[♪ upbeat music playing]
65
00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:56,760
Mom, Reese finally worked up
the courage
66
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,260
to come out of hiding
and face your righteous anger.
67
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,510
She's out shopping all day.
68
00:03:00,590 --> 00:03:03,100
I hid under her car
until she drove off. [chuckles]
69
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,310
-What do you want?
-Revenge.
70
00:03:05,390 --> 00:03:06,520
What did I do?
71
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,940
You found out what I did.
Do you know what this is?
72
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,730
-A completely trashed room.
-Do you know what room?
73
00:03:13,810 --> 00:03:15,520
-No.
-Because you're a goody-goody
74
00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:16,900
and you've never been there.
75
00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:19,110
It's your principal's office.
You trashed it.
76
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,570
-What?
-As a protest over the slow pace
77
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,820
of progress on diversity
and inclusion.
78
00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:25,580
What'd you do?
Leave a note saying,
79
00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:27,660
-"I did it. Love, Kelly."
-[Reese] Oh, please.
80
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:30,120
I went pro 20 years
before you were born.
81
00:03:30,250 --> 00:03:31,250
It's easy.
82
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,420
Copy your handwriting
just well enough
83
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,590
to look like it's you
trying to disguise it.
84
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,510
Scrape your social media
for characteristic phrasing.
85
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,220
"There's no activism
without transgression."
86
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,550
-You gave me that!
-[gasps]
87
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,600
See what I did to the picture
of his baby?
88
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:46,930
That's gonna focus
some feelings.
89
00:03:47,390 --> 00:03:48,640
What is wrong with you?
90
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,180
You'll never know.
The court sealed that report.
91
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:53,400
[♪ music concludes]
92
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:58,230
[gags] I'm coming, Momma!
93
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:03,450
Must untangle umbilical cord!
94
00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:07,990
[pants] I see light!
95
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,240
I could take the squirming
96
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,250
if I didn't have to see
his hangy stuff.
97
00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:16,590
[grunts] Oh! [whimpers]
98
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:23,590
[screams] I made it, Momma!
Hello, world! [laughs]
99
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:30,020
[wailing]
100
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:34,140
My, my.
What a big, strong voice.
101
00:04:36,770 --> 00:04:40,320
Hello there. I'm Hal.
102
00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:45,240
-[sighs]
-How you feeling?
103
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:47,820
Hot and dizzy and nauseous.
104
00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:49,530
I called my mom
and she said
105
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,080
she felt like this
every day for nine months
106
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,700
and that's why
she never liked me.
107
00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:55,040
I've been thinking
a lot about my mom's list.
108
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,790
-Oh, jeez.
-No, it's good. I realized
109
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,340
I haven't been fair to her.
110
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,920
She's got Dad to deal with,
111
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,630
Malcolm and Reese
are giant assholes.
112
00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:04,220
She's older now.
113
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:06,430
She doesn't feed
on the chaos like she used to.
114
00:05:07,010 --> 00:05:10,220
Wow. I'm so proud of you.
115
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:13,020
You've matured just in time
to be a dad.
116
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:15,100
Anyway, she's freaking out
about the money
117
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,480
she's spending at the party,
118
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,730
so I was thinking
we're doing okay.
119
00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,020
We could help out.
Maybe our present
120
00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:23,280
is that we kick in a thousand
dollars toward the party.
121
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:27,030
I think that's nice.
Wait a minute.
122
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,530
You're just trying
to move up her list.
123
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:29,910
One spot.
124
00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:31,160
We're having a damn baby.
125
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,620
How is that not at least
top seven?
126
00:05:32,740 --> 00:05:34,700
Yes, we're having a damn baby.
127
00:05:34,830 --> 00:05:37,250
How can you still be so fixated
on your mother?
128
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,210
Because it's making me nuts!
129
00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:40,750
Since the day I was born,
130
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,500
I've always been
her biggest problem.
131
00:05:42,630 --> 00:05:44,760
The first-grade fires,
the summer camp riots,
132
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,300
the freshman plea deal.
133
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,850
She nearly went completely bald
from the stress I was causing.
134
00:05:51,010 --> 00:05:54,560
-I don't know. I got used to it.
-And even recognizing
135
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,520
how futile
and self-destructive it is,
136
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,690
you're still gonna embrace
this insanity?
137
00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:02,980
Yes, you get it! Love you.
138
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,360
[sighs]
139
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,610
Oh, my God, you said that?
You're so brave.
140
00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:12,450
Yeah, you know I don't care
what those guys think.
141
00:06:13,910 --> 00:06:16,040
You gotta float above it.
That's what I do.
142
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:18,370
It's easy when you're pretty.
143
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:22,630
I don't know. I think everyone
has stuff they worry about.
144
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:27,340
Is the cafeteria doing burgers
or stir fry on Monday?
145
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,010
Stir fry.
Monday's always stir fry.
146
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:34,140
I knew I'd be good at flirting.
147
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:35,970
-[knocking at the door]
-Come in!
148
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,350
[chuckles softly] Hi, honey.
149
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,150
Sorry again about this morning,
but I want you to know
150
00:06:42,310 --> 00:06:44,070
I've done
some hard introspection,
151
00:06:44,150 --> 00:06:45,360
and I'm in a calmer place now.
152
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:47,690
-Okay.
-I mean, I'm still heartbroken.
153
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:50,860
But I accept that it is over
between Tristan and me.
154
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:52,410
So now I'm sad.
155
00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:55,910
But it's a healthy kind of sad
that I can work to get past
156
00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:59,000
by focusing on the good things
in my life, like you.
157
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,370
I'm going to focus more on you.
158
00:07:01,460 --> 00:07:04,090
-I'm actually fine with w--
-I know it's the last thing
159
00:07:04,210 --> 00:07:06,250
a kid your age wants
is more time with Daddy.
160
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:07,380
But I had a great idea.
161
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:09,550
Do you remember
Old School Manny's?
162
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,260
-Yes.
-It's still open.
163
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:13,180
-We haven't been there in years.
-Oh, I love that place.
164
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,970
-Me too.
-The fries were amazing.
165
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,680
-They were disgusting.
-No! Really?
166
00:07:17,810 --> 00:07:19,680
Everything about
that place was disgusting.
167
00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:21,600
There was cockroaches
in the bathroom.
168
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:22,900
The video games were sticky.
169
00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:25,020
One time, I got a Band-Aid
in my sandwich.
170
00:07:25,110 --> 00:07:26,980
I don't remember it like that.
171
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:28,900
Because you were little,
and it was our place.
172
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:31,860
We talked about school
and your dreams and...
173
00:07:32,030 --> 00:07:33,740
Why Mom left if she loved me
so much.
174
00:07:33,910 --> 00:07:35,870
Yeah, I never had a great answer
for that one.
175
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,450
But let's go to dinner tonight.
Me and you.
176
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,290
All right? They still have
Zombie Massacre III.
177
00:07:40,370 --> 00:07:42,250
We can play, and tomorrow,
we'll compare nightmares.
178
00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:43,540
That sounds great.
179
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,830
I'm really looking forward
to it.
180
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,760
[♪ whimsical music playing]
181
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,590
You can go back to talking
to that boy.
182
00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:55,350
Can't wait.
183
00:07:57,850 --> 00:07:58,930
[Kelly] You look nice and comfy.
184
00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:01,640
I assume you're here
to beg for mercy?
185
00:08:01,810 --> 00:08:04,770
No. Actually,
I'm here to thank you.
186
00:08:05,810 --> 00:08:07,900
This whole thing has been
a real learning experience.
187
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:09,940
I learned
what you're capable of.
188
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,320
I learned that the desire
for revenge
189
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,820
can go way too far
and hurt someone.
190
00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:16,160
I learned I'm comfortable
with that.
191
00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:20,950
I learned your social
security number is 987654327.
192
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,830
I learned how to contact
the IRS anonymous tip line
193
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,130
about unreported video income.
194
00:08:26,670 --> 00:08:30,130
[scoffs] I don't have
unreported income.
195
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,260
Then you'll be fine.
196
00:08:33,010 --> 00:08:35,300
The IRS isn't going to listen
to a stupid teenager.
197
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:37,760
I worried about that too.
But Agent Miller said
198
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:40,010
the national debt
is 35 trillion dollars
199
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,520
and they'll listen to anybody.
200
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,480
O... Okay, you've won.
201
00:08:47,650 --> 00:08:49,480
I've done this a long time,
so I know.
202
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:50,610
Hmm.
203
00:08:50,690 --> 00:08:52,280
At this point, any revenge I try
204
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,700
is not just going
to be pointless.
205
00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:55,990
It's also going to blow back
and hurt me.
206
00:08:57,490 --> 00:09:00,160
And somehow, I'm still looking
forward to doing it.
207
00:09:01,370 --> 00:09:03,460
I keep looking at this font.
I can't decide.
208
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:06,670
Is this celebratory, romantic,
or is this just cliched?
209
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:08,840
I'm running out of time.
What do you think?
210
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,090
I think I clock out
in five minutes.
211
00:09:11,170 --> 00:09:12,840
Ten seconds later, I won't
remember this interaction.
212
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,720
Yeah, you're right.
It's cliched.
213
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,760
Hi, Abe. I have been
calling Hal all day,
214
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,180
and he's not answering.
Where are you guys?
215
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:20,560
-Lois, yes, yes.
-[Hal groaning]
216
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,810
Lovely to hear from you.
217
00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:23,140
All ready
for your party tomorrow?
218
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:26,900
No, because I need Hal's help.
Where is he? Where are you guys?
219
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:29,310
I can hear the excitement
in your voice.
220
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,980
We are all looking forward
to it.
221
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,190
-Abe!
-[Abe] Yes,
222
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,900
we're just finishing up
our haircuts.
223
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,530
It's taking much longer
than we thought.
224
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,240
Mario is being overly precise.
225
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,040
[imitates radio static] Oops!
We're heading into a tunnel.
226
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:48,120
-[Hal speaking indistinctly]
-Barbershop... tunnel.
227
00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:51,210
[groans]
228
00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:54,550
I don't understand
how you look exactly like me
229
00:09:54,630 --> 00:09:56,630
and so much better than me.
230
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,550
Even your socks.
I'll never have socks like that.
231
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,770
Hal, you have everything I have.
I'm you.
232
00:10:03,850 --> 00:10:07,770
-[scoffs] Come on.
-[both chuckle]
233
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:10,310
I'm enjoying this,
but we are here to work.
234
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:14,070
Can you tell me about Hal?
235
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,320
From the moment
I had any self-awareness,
236
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:20,620
I have been gripped
by a pervasive fear.
237
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:23,120
Fear has been
my constant companion,
238
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,290
not as a condition
or an abstraction,
239
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,500
but something tangible,
embodied.
240
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:33,380
Interesting. Please, go on.
241
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:37,970
Like when I was seven,
and our whole house shook
242
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:41,340
and heaved with the weight
of my father's broken dreams.
243
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,850
Fear was already there,
almost like a big brother.
244
00:10:44,930 --> 00:10:47,100
-Your fear?
-[teen Hal] Yeah, my fear.
245
00:10:47,270 --> 00:10:49,730
Fear taught me things
I needed in life.
246
00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,060
Always say yes,
247
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,110
because you'll probably
never get another chance.
248
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,280
And to never let go
of what you've got,
249
00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:00,160
because anything can be taken
away from you like that.
250
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:04,490
That sounds like such
a hard way to live, Hal.
251
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,250
Oh, you bet.
Fear made it hard sometimes.
252
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,910
But I don't think
I would have gotten
253
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,290
anywhere in life
without his vigilance. Right?
254
00:11:12,790 --> 00:11:18,800
Right. Anything worth doing
is worth doing in a cold sweat.
255
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:22,140
See? A tough lesson delivered
with kindness.
256
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:23,720
-Ah.
-Thanks, man.
257
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:27,720
-He reminds me of someone.
-Trent Reznor.
258
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:30,810
Ah, yes! [chuckles] Thank you.
259
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,020
Let's move on.
I think we're getting somewhere.
260
00:11:34,810 --> 00:11:38,400
I... I used to think
that taking care of my kids
261
00:11:38,570 --> 00:11:40,030
was my purpose.
262
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,860
The best, most important thing
I could ever do.
263
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:46,990
[chuckles] You know,
it really swallows up
264
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,460
every bit of your attention
and concern,
265
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:53,920
and plans for the future.
266
00:11:55,670 --> 00:11:56,960
And?
267
00:12:00,050 --> 00:12:04,970
And, uh, as every kid grew up
and moved out,
268
00:12:06,390 --> 00:12:09,680
I had more and more bandwidth,
and...
269
00:12:11,270 --> 00:12:14,310
I... I finally realized...
270
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,650
they didn't need me anymore.
271
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,110
So, no meaning...
272
00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:26,620
no purpose.
273
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:32,830
I... [sniffles] I'm nothing.
274
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:42,420
Hal, you've been so focused
on your family's needs,
275
00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,130
you never thought
about your own.
276
00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:48,600
Your inner resources
are depleted
277
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,220
because you've never nourished
them.
278
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:55,310
I haven't thought about it
like that.
279
00:12:55,690 --> 00:12:58,400
Hal, the key to this
280
00:12:59,190 --> 00:13:01,900
is what they always tell you
on airplanes.
281
00:13:03,030 --> 00:13:05,780
You have to put your
own mask...
282
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,450
on first.
283
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,450
Whoa!
284
00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:16,870
[♪ upbeat music playing]
285
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,710
Hey, Piama and I can see
286
00:13:19,790 --> 00:13:21,500
how stressed you are
about the party,
287
00:13:21,590 --> 00:13:24,420
but we both think an achievement
like 40 years of marriage
288
00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:25,720
needs to be celebrated,
289
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,220
so we're giving you
a thousand bucks toward it.
290
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,260
[gasps] Thanks.
291
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,690
Hi, this is Lois.
292
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,480
Is that upgrade
to the sound system
293
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,280
still available?
Fifteen hundred dollars, right?
294
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,610
Let's do it.
295
00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:47,360
No. I gave you that to help
your money problems.
296
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:48,450
You're not supposed
to put yourself
297
00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:49,910
another five hundred
in the hole.
298
00:13:50,070 --> 00:13:52,580
I have to spend what I need
to make this the way I want.
299
00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:54,870
And you need to stop obsessing
about the list.
300
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:57,000
-It's only a number.
-Then move me up one.
301
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,420
That's not how the list works.
302
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,090
You're only doing this because
you get some sort of sick thrill
303
00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:03,000
out of making me feel small.
304
00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:05,130
That's it. I am done.
305
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:06,550
You need to get a grip
on yourself
306
00:14:06,630 --> 00:14:07,720
because I am not going
to indulge
307
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,640
in this stupidity anymore.
308
00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,050
What's that?
309
00:14:11,140 --> 00:14:13,510
It's just more party stuff
like all the other party stuff.
310
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:15,680
Huh.
311
00:14:18,730 --> 00:14:21,560
Do not make a thing about this.
312
00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:25,490
Booties? Little bunny booties?
313
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:28,110
Little bunny baby booties
314
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,990
for your widdle bunny
baby grandchild?
315
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,580
They were on sale,
and I can return them.
316
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:34,990
-I knew it was important to you.
-Go away!
317
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,500
What's my number now, Mom?
What's my number now?
318
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:43,290
So decapitation is back, back,
up, high kick, forward, down?
319
00:14:43,630 --> 00:14:46,010
No, that pulls their hearts out
and stuffs it in their throats.
320
00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:47,130
-Hmm.
-[chuckles]
321
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,880
You know, if you want, we can go
somewhere decent instead.
322
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:51,340
I don't care.
323
00:14:51,430 --> 00:14:54,060
Anywhere I go with you
is the best place in the world.
324
00:14:55,350 --> 00:14:59,480
Dad, quit it. Can you get my bag
from the back?
325
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:00,730
Sure.
326
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,650
[♪ upbeat music playing]
327
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,320
[grunts] What the hell? Ow!
328
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,110
What are you doing-- Oh!
329
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,200
-[whimpers]
-[grunts]
330
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,950
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-[grunts]
331
00:15:12,070 --> 00:15:13,410
[Malcolm]
Why would you do this to me?
332
00:15:13,490 --> 00:15:16,200
[both grunt]
333
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,080
[♪ music continues]
334
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:22,750
[Malcolm groans]
335
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:27,920
[♪ music concludes]
336
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,300
I can't believe how much
337
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:32,140
I've learned from you already,
Perfect Hal.
338
00:15:32,340 --> 00:15:33,850
I wish I was you.
339
00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:36,220
You still don't get it,
Regular Hal.
340
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:39,350
I'm the you inside you.
341
00:15:39,430 --> 00:15:42,770
You have to start
taking care of your own needs.
342
00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:47,530
Create space for the best Hal
to grow and thrive.
343
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,780
You have to let go
of the people holding you back.
344
00:15:51,570 --> 00:15:52,700
People?
345
00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:56,580
Your family, Hal.
And their constant demands.
346
00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:58,040
I love my family.
347
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,660
They're termites nibbling away
at your happiness.
348
00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:05,710
Stop the nibbling, Hal.
They've got to go.
349
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,460
Go where?
350
00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:14,010
[gasps]
You want me to kill them?
351
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:16,140
New ideas can be challenging.
352
00:16:16,390 --> 00:16:18,470
And there's no growth
without pain.
353
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,730
But it doesn't have to be
you feeling that pain.
354
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:29,820
Oh, my God.
You're not Perfect Hal.
355
00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:34,490
I was just dazzled
by your socks. You're Evil Hal.
356
00:16:34,610 --> 00:16:36,410
[both grunt]
357
00:16:36,530 --> 00:16:41,120
You're nothing but
a gorgeous monster! [grunts]
358
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,460
-[grunts]
-You're being ridiculous, Hal.
359
00:16:45,670 --> 00:16:46,830
[skittle crash echoes]
360
00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:49,880
-[grunts]
-You can't beat me!
361
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,210
-[typewriter dings]
-[Evil Hal grunts]
362
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,970
-[cat clock meows]
-[Hal grunts]
363
00:16:53,670 --> 00:16:55,260
[Hal groans]
364
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,850
Hmm.
365
00:17:01,390 --> 00:17:04,350
-[Evil Hal whispers] Bang.
-[groans]
366
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,270
[Evil Hal whistles]
367
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:12,610
[Hal pants]
368
00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:17,870
[♪ music pauses]
369
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:22,330
-[♪ music resumes]
-[groans, wheezes]
370
00:17:22,410 --> 00:17:23,500
[♪ music concludes]
371
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:27,330
You need to grow up, Hal.
372
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:31,380
You spent your entire life
pretending I didn't exist
373
00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:33,670
because you knew
this would happen.
374
00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:36,550
So, what do you want
to do first?
375
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,430
I think we start small.
376
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,930
Do the "success builds
on success" thing.
377
00:17:43,350 --> 00:17:44,850
And how about the look?
378
00:17:45,810 --> 00:17:48,600
Let's go with darker colors,
huh?
379
00:17:51,190 --> 00:17:54,320
-I love you.
-What?
380
00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:56,610
[chuckles softly]
381
00:17:59,570 --> 00:18:00,740
I love you.
382
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:02,950
[scoffs]
383
00:18:04,790 --> 00:18:08,670
-You're terrified of me.
-No, I'm not.
384
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,340
Well, there's nothing scary
about you.
385
00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:16,380
I don't blame Fear.
He was trying his best, but...
386
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:19,680
hiding you away from me
just made you seem
387
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:21,850
more powerful than you are.
388
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:23,720
[voice pitch rising]
I am powerful!
389
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:29,100
No, you're needy
and insubstantial, and--
390
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,650
-Well, delicate.
-[pitch rises higher] Stop this!
391
00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:35,280
One tiny little tile
of the mosaic of me.
392
00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:38,740
Oh, I have hundreds
of different little Hals
393
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,490
inside me telling me things.
394
00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:43,870
That's why
I'm so easily confused.
395
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,160
[Evil Hal in squeaky voice]
No! No!
396
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,910
-You'll be okay.
-[Evil Hal] No!
397
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,620
You'll have lots
of little friends.
398
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,330
-[Evil Hal screams] No!
-Oh, there, there.
399
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,790
I got you, buddy. Here.
400
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,340
[Manjushri]
Congratulations, Hal.
401
00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:58,420
Ooh!
402
00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:01,890
You vanquished the inner demon
and cast off false duality.
403
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,180
Well done.
404
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,060
Bodhisattva Manjushri
Kamarabhuta?
405
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,600
[clicks tongue]
Call me Arapachana.
406
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:13,230
How would I know who you are?
I wouldn't know that.
407
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,360
It's the collective unconscious.
Jung has a--
408
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:17,860
It's boring, don't worry
about it.
409
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,570
What's important is
that you are now worthy
410
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,110
of meeting your animal partner.
411
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,580
They will be your guide,
your mentor, and your guardian.
412
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:28,160
Where? [shrieks]
413
00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:30,790
-[squeaks]
-What is that?
414
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,290
[squeaks]
415
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,960
Can't I get a wolf or a panther?
416
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,010
No one chooses
their animal partner.
417
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,380
It chooses you.
418
00:19:39,550 --> 00:19:41,300
I mean,
I have a 12-foot blue lion,
419
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,590
but they're all great.
420
00:19:44,890 --> 00:19:46,310
It's leading you somewhere.
421
00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:49,020
-But...
-Hey, I'm not making you
422
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,350
do the mantras or contemplate
the five skandhas.
423
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,310
I'm not making you achieve
an inconceivable state
424
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,770
without obstruction or form.
425
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,070
We're cutting
a lot of corners here,
426
00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:58,940
so just follow the rat.
427
00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:01,820
-[♪ playful instrumental music playing]
-[rat squeals]
428
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:03,490
[Hal pants]
429
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:13,500
-[rat squeals]
-[pants]
430
00:20:15,290 --> 00:20:16,500
Rat friend?
431
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,460
[♪ music concludes]
432
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:49,240
[♪ whimsical instrumental music
playing]
433
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,800
-[gasps, chuckles]
-[♪ music continues]
434
00:21:01,550 --> 00:21:02,670
[gasps]
435
00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:08,970
[gasps, chuckles]
436
00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:16,900
That's it! That's it! I get it!
437
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,860
[shouts] Yes!
438
00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:22,150
[♪ music concludes]
439
00:21:22,230 --> 00:21:25,200
Okay, each of you, tell me again
what you're doing tomorrow.
440
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,450
Mom, come on, it's late.
We're tired.
441
00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:29,830
We've gone over it.
We know what our jobs are.
442
00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:31,950
Stop treating us
like half-witted toddlers.
443
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,370
This isn't about you
doing your jobs.
444
00:21:33,450 --> 00:21:35,750
This is about managing
my anxiety.
445
00:21:35,830 --> 00:21:37,330
I can't find your father,
446
00:21:37,420 --> 00:21:40,460
and they sent me pillar candles
instead of taper candles,
447
00:21:40,540 --> 00:21:43,090
so now I have to shave them
into the proper shape,
448
00:21:43,210 --> 00:21:45,970
and wax is not
a forgiving medium.
449
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,050
I mean, look at this.
That's too tapered!
450
00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:53,100
Obviously, I am losing it,
so please, let's just do this,
451
00:21:53,180 --> 00:21:54,810
and then you can go
to sleep. Kelly.
452
00:21:55,270 --> 00:21:57,690
Blow up balloons, then make sure
the tables are completely set
453
00:21:57,810 --> 00:21:59,310
before I put out the favor bags.
454
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,400
-Piama.
-Check the rentals
455
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,360
against your list.
Verify there are no scratches
456
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,820
or dents before I give
those crooks one red cent.
457
00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,610
-Francis.
-Make sure all 50 parking spaces
458
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:08,740
are clear.
Set up a separate supply area
459
00:22:08,820 --> 00:22:10,950
and signage
for your signature cocktails,
460
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,160
the Fuzzy Lois
and the Halgarita.
461
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,910
-I'll keep working on the names.
-Thank you!
462
00:22:16,910 --> 00:22:18,420
[Kelly] Halgarita, really?
463
00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:22,670
-Hello.
-[Leah] Hi, Grandma. It's Leah.
464
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:23,960
I've got great news.
465
00:22:24,130 --> 00:22:25,550
We're coming to your party
after all.
466
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:27,760
Dad just changed his mind
out of the blue.
467
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,510
-See you there.
-[groans] Please slow down.
468
00:22:30,890 --> 00:22:32,680
I promise I won't try
to jump out again.
469
00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:35,310
It's eleven more hours
to Grandma and Grandpa's.
470
00:22:35,390 --> 00:22:36,850
-We're not slowing down.
-[groans]
471
00:22:36,930 --> 00:22:38,390
Oh, move a little that way.
472
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:39,850
You're gonna get blood
on my dress.
473
00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:42,110
That dress is a really good
color for you.
474
00:22:42,190 --> 00:22:44,610
Thank you. And you're gonna
look amazing
475
00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:46,820
in your outfit,
like a hot 18-year-old.
476
00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,490
-[both chuckle]
-This is insanity!
477
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,820
You've committed
an actual kidnapping!
478
00:22:52,450 --> 00:22:54,200
Does this mean
we're back together?
479
00:22:54,660 --> 00:22:56,910
This is an intervention.
480
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,370
You're addicted to being
an idiot
481
00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:59,790
and we are helping you.
482
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:01,580
You can't spend the rest
of your life
483
00:23:01,670 --> 00:23:05,050
lying and hiding and denying
your family even exists.
484
00:23:05,130 --> 00:23:06,550
It worked perfectly
until they showed up.
485
00:23:06,630 --> 00:23:09,510
But Dad, stop. Please, stop.
486
00:23:09,590 --> 00:23:12,090
You're not protecting me
from your family drama.
487
00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:14,010
You're the one keeping it going.
488
00:23:14,100 --> 00:23:17,020
I'm trying to be a good father.
I don't know...
489
00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:21,270
If I should know something
and you keep it a secret,
490
00:23:21,730 --> 00:23:25,270
you aren't saving me,
you're stealing from me.
491
00:23:25,690 --> 00:23:30,200
My choice, my self-respect,
my trust in you.
492
00:23:30,740 --> 00:23:32,870
Daddy, I need
all of those things.
493
00:23:32,990 --> 00:23:35,620
[♪ pop song playing over radio]
494
00:23:35,740 --> 00:23:40,500
Oh, my God. You're right.
You're completely right.
495
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,040
I am so sorry.
496
00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:45,960
I should have told you..
497
00:23:47,550 --> 00:23:49,800
All this secrecy
is just so toxic.
498
00:23:50,130 --> 00:23:54,430
[♪ song continues]
499
00:23:55,050 --> 00:23:57,390
Twelve years ago, I was arrested
for attempted murder.
500
00:23:57,930 --> 00:23:59,810
-Whoa!
-Y... You what?
501
00:23:59,930 --> 00:24:02,140
I didn't think
it was important to tell you
502
00:24:02,230 --> 00:24:03,440
until we were serious,
503
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,020
and then with your whole
political thing,
504
00:24:05,150 --> 00:24:06,940
I just didn't know
how to bring it up.
505
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,490
And it wasn't even murder.
I mean, I totally got off.
506
00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:13,700
You tried to murder someone?
[gasps]
507
00:24:13,950 --> 00:24:15,490
My mom was dating this guy
508
00:24:15,570 --> 00:24:18,290
and one time he beat her up,
and I got him arrested.
509
00:24:18,830 --> 00:24:22,160
But all of his buddies were cops
and he got out the next morning.
510
00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:25,290
He came straight to my apartment
and kicked my door in,
511
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:27,590
-and I shot him.
-You know how to shoot people?
512
00:24:27,670 --> 00:24:29,550
-[Malcolm pants]
-Obviously!
513
00:24:30,550 --> 00:24:32,630
When the cops came,
Jenna, my roommate,
514
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,300
told them what happened,
but all of his buddies
515
00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:36,220
believed him,
and I got arrested.
516
00:24:36,350 --> 00:24:37,890
-[scoffs] Cops.
-Yeah.
517
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,350
Yeah. It took a couple of weeks
518
00:24:39,430 --> 00:24:40,640
for everyone
to figure out the truth
519
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:41,980
and dismiss the charges.
520
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:43,690
And by the way,
it took me a lot of work
521
00:24:43,810 --> 00:24:45,310
to finally get
my arrest record sealed.
522
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:46,650
Okay. [exhales]
523
00:24:47,940 --> 00:24:49,570
But it did get
in some newspapers.
524
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,070
And all over the internet.
525
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,870
Because I was naked
when I shot him. In the balls.
526
00:24:58,370 --> 00:25:01,040
You cannot lose this woman.
527
00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:04,670
Wait. I remember.
528
00:25:05,870 --> 00:25:09,500
-You're "Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang"?
-[chuckles]
529
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,300
[♪ upbeat music playing]
530
00:25:14,550 --> 00:25:17,590
-[gasps]
-Drugs? Drugs?
531
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,850
-The party is tonight!
-Honey, I have great news!
532
00:25:21,970 --> 00:25:24,020
-Get in the car!
-[Hal grunts]
533
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,110
If it's not one damn thing
it's another.
534
00:25:31,690 --> 00:25:34,280
You are not going to beat me!
535
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,700
I had the most amazing
breakthrough.
536
00:25:36,780 --> 00:25:39,030
-Not now. Carl, you still there?
-[Carl] Yeah.
537
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,830
You delivered
the wrong projector.
538
00:25:40,990 --> 00:25:45,040
I specifically asked for 4K
at 2700 lumens.
539
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,210
You sent 2000 lumens at 1080p.
540
00:25:47,290 --> 00:25:48,460
[Carl] What the hell
are you talking about?
541
00:25:48,540 --> 00:25:51,210
I figured it out.
No one realizes it,
542
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,960
but I'm their birthday cake.
543
00:25:54,050 --> 00:25:56,720
Everyone can take slices
of happiness from me
544
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,890
whenever they want.
And I never run out of slices.
545
00:26:00,140 --> 00:26:03,430
That's who I am.
I'm an inexhaustible cake.
546
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,140
-You're not a cake. Carl?
-[Carl] Yep?
547
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:09,900
Here it is. Contract.
Page 2, item 10 63.
548
00:26:10,060 --> 00:26:11,940
I want the right projector,
Carl.
549
00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:13,730
Honey, are you worried
about that herd of buffalo
550
00:26:13,820 --> 00:26:15,240
-coming up on your left?
-[Lois] Sweetheart, please.
551
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,570
-I'm busy.
-Okay, but they look kind of peevish.
552
00:26:22,490 --> 00:26:24,540
[driver] I'm sorry.
Are you guys all right?
553
00:26:24,870 --> 00:26:27,660
[Hal bellows like a buffalo]
554
00:26:28,210 --> 00:26:30,750
Don't worry, honey,
I'm establishing dominance.
555
00:26:33,250 --> 00:26:34,300
Honey?
556
00:26:34,420 --> 00:26:36,220
[♪ rock music playing,
They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"]
557
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:38,130
♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪
558
00:26:38,590 --> 00:26:40,640
♪ I don't know ♪
559
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,720
♪ Can you repeat
the question? ♪
560
00:26:43,850 --> 00:26:46,100
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
561
00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:48,440
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
562
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,230
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
563
00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:53,230
♪ And you're not so big ♪
564
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:54,570
[♪ music concludes]
565
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:58,360
[male voice] Yeah.
42725
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