Original subtitles

[Hal] Previously on Malcolm in the Middle.

[grunts]

-[grunts] -[groans]

-[exclaims] -[chokes]

[all grunt]

-[all imitate monkey hooting] -What are you looking at?

-[car horn honking] -Whee!

[groans]

You've been stealing money from the church?

[groans]

-[snarls] -[gasps]

[gasps, groans]

[electricity zapping]

-[whimpers] -[laughs]

-[gasps, screams] -[gasps, groans]

You're going to put your hands inside of Mommy

and take out this baby!

[Hal] And someone actually asked for more of this.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Life is unfair ♪

[♪ theme song concludes]

[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]

I really appreciate the opportunity.

Everyone in my class was after this internship.

I fought tooth and nail for it. [chuckles]

No problem, we are glad to have you.

So, what do you guys do?

Well, we install computer systems

in grocery store chains and food manufacturers

to align their inventory software

with food banks and shelters all across the country.

So, instead of unused food getting dumped,

it goes to people who actually need it.

Got it. And what is a food bank?

Maybe watch our video a few more times. [chuckles]

[♪ jovial instrumental music playing]

Yeah, I look different.

But hey, everything about me is different.

I'm happy, I'm successful,

I've learned to work productively with idiots.

My life is fantastic now. [chuckles]

You wanna know how I did it?

All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.

-[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing] -♪ Here we go ♪

[♪ music concludes]

You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.

-Oh. -These things have lasted for six months.

You know, I can call back later.

Come on, Dewey, you've seen this like a thousand times.

It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.

Under growth.

How's the concert tour? [blows]

-[Hal] Ooh. -It's fine, but I'm really sorry

I'm not gonna make your anniversary party.

I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance

to play for royalty.

I mean, what if Carl Gustaf

wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?

Is Jamie gonna make it?

I think so. He put in for a leave.

-Towel! Towel! Towel! -[Hal] All right, all right, all right.

Trauma averted. Thank you.

-[razor buzzing] -[Lois] Okay, let's tidy up.

-Hey, Dewey. -Hi, Kelly. How's school?

Beneath me. How's Sonia?

Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore, it's Elizabeth. No, Annette!

Anyway, she's good, we're really connecting.

Uh, we're gonna go shopping later.

Do… them want to come?

Him can't come with we. Us has homework.

Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.

I'm not afraid of you.

-That's not-- -I get good grades.

I help around the house.

I'm your only kid without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you

to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.

-I love you. -Oh, that just sounds sarcastic.

-I love you. -Now you sound annoyed.

You kinda do. It’s your timbre.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

The middle one was nice, thank you.

[♪ jovial instrumental music playing]

So, back in college, I completely turned my life around,

because I realized the less contact I have with my family,

the less I act like a sociopath.

I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.

Anytime I am around them, it takes me, like, two seconds to revert.

For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish!

I know how to say "quesadilla"!

I don't know, it sounded like you said "Koos-a-dill-a."

Mm, no, he said "Kwis-a-diya."

[in Spanish] ¡Siempre haces esto!

¡Intenta corregir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada!

¡Sé exactamente cómo pronunciar quesadilla!

-[Hal laughs] -[in English] Quesadilla!

[Lois] That's it, that's it.

-That's how he said it. -That's what I said! Quesadilla!

[indistinct chatter]

Grandma's television was plasma.

I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her,

and it was obvious from the rich deep blacks.

You're insane. She bought that TV in 2015, all right?

They already had full-array LEDs

with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price!

It's not showing off.

It's a completely sensible mid-priced sedan.

Why don't you just admit you're stuck up

and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me feel bad?

-Is this stuck up? -[chuckles]

Is this showing off?

Is this me trying to make you feel bad?

It's not them, it's me… being around them.

So, I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.

My house is a two-layover flight from anyone.

I'm always swamped with work on holidays.

But I also create the illusion of closeness

with effusive emails, and phone calls,

and birthday cards, saying how much I miss them

and I can't wait to see them.

It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings,

because then they'll make me talk to them about it face-to-face.

[employee over PA] Welcome to HugeMart where our deals are…

We still need the 200-pack of votive candles

-and a thousand feet… -[employee] …huge.

…of ruby tassel garland.

-Oh, there's gold. -No, 40th anniversary's ruby,

not gold. Get in the game, Hal.

Hey, lovebirds.

-I hid your mini disco balls. -Thank you, Craig.

They're in the cologne aisle behind my signature scent.

-Which is… -Suave Savage, for him.

-Already got it. -[man clearing throat]

-Oh. -So, how do you like the new job?

Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aide,

but after they denied my promotion and that mysterious, untraceable fire,

I'm glad I found a new home.

[Hal] Lois, come quick.

It's that famous celebrity you like.

[scoffs, chuckles]

-[Abe] Stand up straight. -[Brian] I am stood straight.

[Abe] No, no. [shushes] Three…

[♪ upbeat pop music playing]

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[all grunt]

♪ Never had much faith in love or miracles ♪

♪ Miracles ♪

-[all grunt] -[glass shattering]

♪ Never wanna put my heart on the line ♪

[all grunt]

♪ But swimmin' in your water's somethin' spiritual ♪

♪ Spiritual ♪

[all grunt]

♪ I'm born again every time you spend the night… ight ♪

-♪ …ight ♪ -♪ …ight ♪

[all grunt]

♪ 'Cause your sex takes me to paradise ♪

♪ And it shows ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause you make me feel like ♪

♪ I've been locked out of heaven ♪

♪ For too long ♪

-Bop. -[chuckles]

♪ For too long ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Can I just stay here? ♪

♪ Spend the rest of my days here? ♪

♪ 'Cause your sex takes me to paradise ♪

♪ Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise ♪

♪ Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise ♪

[singing intensifies] ♪ 'Cause your sex takes me to paradise ♪

♪ Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise ♪

♪ 'Cause your sex takes me to para-- ♪

-[mall worker screams] -[man grunting]

[both grunt]

-[indistinct chatter] -[both grunt]

[Craig] That's it. Now it's my meatball.

Okay, let's take it from the sex part.

-[indistinct chatter] -[Lois] Guys,

the moment was magical. Let's not go past it.

It was lovely. [chuckles] Hal, thank you.

Well, it was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary--

No! Before or after the party.

We agreed. You can do anything you want,

as often as you want, before or after.

The actual anniversary day is mine.

-You promised. -Under duress.

I'll promise anything when you do that… thing.

Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays,

and really every celebration,

you… you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing, grand gestures.

-The fireworks display? -[chuckles]

Releasing those doves?

That should have been done outside,

and away from the fan.

And now, this once, I wanna be the one deciding

how we celebrate, and not have your plans just…

happen to me.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?

She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture

I've ever made is crazy.

-Hmm. -No, no.

But it won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way

-she wants to for once. -Oh,

so, I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?

No, no, no. Not on my watch.

Hal, please. You're the only one of us still married.

Do not break a promise to that woman.

I would never. Lois gets her day.

But until then, every moment of every day,

I will show her so much love,

she will run screaming at the sight of me.

[♪ upbeat scat music playing]

[singer scatting]

[blows kiss, laughs]

[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]

Nice, right? And this isn't even the best thing.

The best thing, the best thing in the whole world

is who's inside it.

My daughter, Leah. [chuckles]

She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.

She hates that joke.

Her mother, Dreamer… Yes, her name is Dreamer,

ran off three days after giving birth,

so, single father.

But I'm good at it.

I just imagine what my parents would do,

and do the exact opposite. It's not that hard.

-[♪ music concludes] -[gasps]

[breathes heavily] I won't make it worse.

I won't make it worse.

[sniffles]

[♪ soft instrumental music playing]

Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.

And I also do depressed apathy,

paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.

-It's a rich inner life. -[door opens]

-[♪ music concludes] -Sweetie, what's wrong?

Alison Gibgot invited me to her birthday party.

-Why is that sad? -You want the list?

-I… I… I only meant-- -Alison and her friends

did this as a joke.

They know I know they don't want me to go.

If I do go, they'll freeze me out till I burst into tears,

and Daddy comes to get me, which is what they really want.

I'm completely isolated at school.

I've never had any friends.

And my personality,

by which I mean your personality,

makes it impossible for me to ever have any.

Okay. Well, do you want my list?

You're intelligent, you're beautiful, and--

and hardworking, and incredibly perceptive, and--

Yeah, thanks for that too.

That's how I noticed every smirk,

and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade.

Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?

I have no armor!

Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,

but I promise it'll get better.

It got so much better for me once I went off to college,

so that's less than a… a decade.

It's actually worse when he tries hard.

[cell phone rings, stops]

Why'd that make you nervous?

-What? -[Leah] Your phone.

Why did that call make you nervous?

I'm not nervous.

It was just work, and we're talking.

Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.

And why do you keep it so hot in here?

I wanna be alone now anyway.

Okay. [chuckles] I'm not gonna smother you.

But I'm here for you. [chuckles] Like always.

I love you. Really love you. [chuckles]

Love you so much.

[inhales sharply]

[cell phone beeps]

[Lois over voicemail] Malcolm, I need you to call me back today

about our anniversary.

We have to know when you're coming, and we know you're coming

because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.

Love you.

[line disconnects]

I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday, so I knew it would escalate to Mom.

I already wrote the email.

"Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late,

"and I just heard your voicemail."

I scheduled that to send at 02:16 a.m.

That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back.

Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.

"I have to set up six more food banks this month,

"but barring a crisis, I'll be there."

That's what's great about running a charity.

Anything I say is a crisis, is a crisis.

For charity. [chuckles]

[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing]

I scored the cut, dry-fitted twice, so now I glue it down.

-Perfect. [chuckles] -This is so easy, I had no idea.

I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.

You know, Reese,

doing… these projects together every weekend,

-I love it more than anything. -Me too.

[chuckles]

I have to confess, though, that, uh…

this floor was fine.

You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles

every six months.

-I know. -You do?

But almost every job we've done,

the… the car, the backyard irrigation,

the washing machine,

they didn't need to be done either.

It's my favorite thing to do anyway.

I'm spending a lot of money fixing things

that don't need fixing.

And since this is really just about us spending time together,

-maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles or-- -No!

I know how to do puzzles.

You steal one piece, so you're the only one that can finish it.

We have to be building or fixing things.

Whoa, son, whoa. What's… what's going on?

Dad, have you ever heard of… a metaphor?

Yes, Reese.

We all know my life sucks.

I… I ruined my job, my marriages.

I don't really have any friends.

That's not the metaphor yet. Ready?

-Yeah. -Things like gluing these tiles

so they fit together perfectly

is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.

And these tools are a metaphor for you,

and all the things in life you're teaching me.

Dad, you're a tool,

a tool to help me build my life back.

[sobs softly] I will always be your tool.

-[♪ whimsical instrumental music playing] -[school bell ringing]

You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school?

Nothing. It is the same emotional shithole as every other high school.

[indistinct chatter]

Leah!

-Hi, Alison. -Did you get my invitation?

It's gonna be really fun. Dad got an aura camera.

-I did. Thanks. -Great. See you there.

[indistinct chatter]

[♪ whimsical instrumental music playing]

-Leah? -Oh, hey, Cheyenne.

I couldn't finish my math homework.

Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?

Of-- of course. I don't mind at all. I'm always happy to help.

You know, you don't have to panic about it.

I-- I wasn't panicking.

Oh. It's just…

I can see where you've been pulling out your hair.

I'm not saying you pull out your hair. It's-- it's probably just ringworm.

And that's easy to fix. Eight weeks of fungicide pills.

Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.

It's a fungus.

[♪ music concludes]

Oh, God, what do I do? Make it seem like I was joking?

-[laughs heartily] -[student 1] Leah, stop it.

Come on. [speaking indistinctly]

[student 2] What is wrong with her?

I'm really sorry about the whole thing.

You othered Cheyenne in view of the peer group.

Yeah, I knew I was upsetting her and--

and I was trying to fix it, but I kept making it worse

because right before, other girls hurt my feelings,

so I-- I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'm not blaming them. They-- they can't help it.

Robert Sapolsky has pretty compelling research

that endorphin levels actually spike when members of an in-group

exclude or attack members of an out-group.

At least with chimpanzees.

He's on YouTube.

[tattoo gun buzzing]

[♪ upbeat scat music playing]

[singer scatting]

Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flex.

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]

Get ready. You're going to see something shocking.

Hey, I'm proud of us.

We actually got all the way to the bed before we went at it.

Huh.

[chuckles softly] Tristan. My girlfriend.

I-- I mean, it is so much more than that.

She loves me.

I know, it sounds like a lie to me too.

[sighs] Now, how was your day?

It was good.

We won the Grovenor Innovation Grant.

-I beat an AI. -[chuckles] Dude,

you don't have to keep proving how smart you are.

I really don't care. [gasps]

Oh, uh, except for my taxes. That was awesome.

So, what do you care about?

I care that you always listen to me.

And that you're supportive.

And that you keep your promises.

And mostly I care that you understand

in a deep and complete way who I am, inside.

And you love me anyway. And I am so grateful for that.

Jesus, I thought we were just doing banter.

-[Tristan chuckling] -[cell phone beeping]

I gotta get home.

She's gonna like me, right?

Are you kidding? Leah's going to love you.

-You're as worried as I am. -What makes you say that?

Because you know that if she doesn't like me,

we can't move forward.

I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.

But I have so many plans to prevent that.

Uh, mutual-interest outings, weekly kindness days, shared journaling.

There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball

and you pass it back and forth to each other

and you keep saying nice things and and you keep throwing it

until you guys are both tied up really tight together in the yarn.

I'm betting on us. I…

Look, you can make friends with anyone. I've seen it.

And it's obvious how much we love each other.

Leah's gonna see that, and she's gonna want to be a part of it.

I don't know. [sighs] When I was her age,

I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.

So, she'll outgrow it? Can we wait for that?

No. No.

It is past time we did this. We're doing it.

Okay. [chuckles softly]

-[♪ upbeat scat music playing] -You're also honest

-and sincere and sensitive. -[chuckles softly]

Not to mention in bed.

The way you combine enthusiasm and startling physical strength

with a clear understanding of nuance.

Yeah. Hi.

[♪ music concludes]

Tristan likes green, so maybe wear your chinos.

She went to private school too, so you can talk about that.

And-- and politics just makes her upset.

Movies. She can talk about them all day.

But she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty.

You can write this down if you want.

I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework.

-[chuckles] Sweetie-- -So, when do I yell,

"I want my real mommy," and run out in tears?

I'll surprise you.

Please, this is important to me.

Dad, I get it. It's your only chance for love,

and I have complete control over your future happiness.

Every parenting book

-says I shouldn't let you believe that. -[cell phone chimes]

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

Kelly, where are you? What can I do? Are you okay?

-What's the matter? -That I have to make up a lie

to get my own brother to answer the phone.

You have to promise me

you'll come to Mom and Dad's anniversary.

-Kelly, I'm trying. -[Kelly] Hey, listen to me.

All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there.

They're old, Malcolm. They could die any second.

Decapitated in a car wreck,

slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness,

stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in…

Clock is ticking, busy boy. You can do this for them.

I am doing everything I can to be there,

but my charity just has me so busy all the time.

So, you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure

for hundreds of charities and corporations,

but even after six months' notice, you can't plan half a day off?

Wow, that's almost Mom-level.

Okay, at their age, they're a little self-righteous,

simultaneously overconfident, and insecure.

Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.

Look, I am glad that you see how important this is for Mom and Dad.

They are lucky to have you looking out for them.

Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.

What? I'm-- I-- I-- I'm on the pho--

Okay.

Look, I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work.

But don't worry, I'm sure I can be there. Love you.

Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?

-[cell phone beeps] -[sighs]

With that one, you gotta get in and out before they can think too much.

How do you not allow glitter? You're a party venue.

I just want a couple of handfuls

for people to toss during our spotlight dance.

-[groans] Okay, so no glitter. -[pen scribbling]

Did our monogrammed cocktail stirrers with the little hearts,

did they come in?

No, no, they come with the Radiant Elegance Package.

The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?

How much does that cost?

[whispers] Okay, just do it!

-[cell phone beeps] -Such nonsense.

I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away

from your 40th birthday.

[chuckles] Mom, I'm 39.

I was born on your first anniversary, not your wedding day.

Thirty-nine? [laughs, snorts]

-[chuckles] -Of course you are.

Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite?

The garage?

Yeah, once we unpacked the bags, stomped a few spiders,

got the plastic tarp off the bed, it was real homey.

Me and Dad did all the renovations.

Your brother's become quite the handyman.

Well, it is great.

A heads-up the toilet wasn't connected would have been cool.

You know, we could afford a motel.

Absolutely not. We love having you here.

Besides, you gotta save up some money until you get a solid job.

Mom, I've been there 15 years. I'm senior management.

I have 75 people under me.

That's 75 people plotting to replace you.

And you need to retie your bows. They need to be droopy.

-They droop. -They need to droop languidly.

Look at your father's.

Your knots are too crisp. Use baby hands.

Why don't you criticize his bows?

Those aren't languid, they're turgid.

[whispers] Dad likes me better than you now.

Did you ever talk to Malcolm?

No, we keep trading emails back and forth.

I know he's doing good things, but he is gonna work himself to death.

I just got off the phone with him.

He's not coming.

[♪ dramatic sting]

[♪ cheerful instrumental music playing]

-[breathes heavily] -Okay. We can do this.

-It's going to be great. -[exhales] Love you.

Love you. Do you need to pee?

No. Yes. No. No. [breathes heavily, chuckles]

-[speaks indistinctly] -[whispers indistinctly]

-[door opens] -Leah, we're here.

[door closes]

Leah, this is Tristan.

Hi.

Hi, Leah. [chuckles softly]

[dogs barking in distance]

Good. We're-- we're easing in slowly.

There's no rush. [chuckles nervously]

So, how much did he prep you?

[♪ whimsical instrumental music playing]

When you were four,

you tried to scare Miss Rachel into cancelling preschool

by saying her mole didn't look right.

[chuckles softly]

You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times

so the condiments smear evenly.

You refused an award from the State Young Scientist Challenge

because you thought it would make you a famous nerd.

[laughs] You love being a physical therapist,

but you are grossed out when you have to touch old people.

[both laugh]

You fly into a spitting rage if you do Wordle in three.

-[laughs] -[laughs] I do.

Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart…

-[gasps, laughs] -…and I have to ignore it.

-[laughs] -I--

-I do. You don't. [laughs] -[laughs]

Now, him.

-[laughs] -[Leah] Has he ever told you

about his reluctant move into politics?

[laughs] Oh, my gosh. No.

One time I found a notepad where he wrote, "Assemblyman?"

-[laughs] -"Congressman? Lieutenant Governor?"

[both laugh]

[laughs] And the thing… the thing with the aftershave.

[gasps]

-[laughs] Why? -[laughs] I don't know.

I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.

[Tristan] He always does.

This could be my family, my last checkbox.

-This is amazing! -[Lois] Malcolm!

We are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.

We are gonna talk about it.

No matter what you have to arrange,

you are gonna be at our anniversary with the rest of the family.

Dad?

You have a daughter?

She's alive?

-[gasps] -Son, wh-- wh-- wh-- what's happening?

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

-[♪ music stops] -You made me do this!

Malcolm!

This family's nonstop antisocial behavior

and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities

are toxic to me!

Every single bad thing that happened in my life

is your fault!

Getting away from you is how I finally stopped

being such an asshole! [pants]

W-- wait, so your biggest problem is… is…

that we… exist? [whimpers]

-[gasping rapidly] -[Tristan] Oh. [grunts]

-[Hal whimpering] -Thank you. Who are you?

I don't know.

How could you do this to your family?

No, stop. You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?

Without an invitation. So, you can at least give me

the courtesy to explain myself, please.

[pants] Sit down.

-[Hal grunting softly] -[Tristan speaking indistinctly]

[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]

-[Lois grunts] -[groans]

[gasps]

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ rock music playing, They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"]

♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

[♪ music concludes]