Original subtitles

-[footsteps thumping] -[insects chirping]

[♪ playful folk rock music playing]

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Woo-ooh-ooh! ♪

[pants]

-[♪ music concludes] -[continues panting]

[panting] Come on. Oh, come on.

-[breathes deeply] -[dial tone ringing]

-[cellphone rings, buzzes] -[inhales deeply] Hello?

[pants] Stevie, it's... It's Malcolm.

-[TV playing in background] -Malcolm!

-Who? -[chuckles] Yeah, it's, uh,

it's been a few months.

Look, I was just thinking about you.

I figured I'd give you a call. How's little Max? How's Glenn?

Cute.

[inhales deeply]

-Needy. -[Malcolm over phone] Great.

Great. I... I love the pictures you sent.

-Ah, you know, Max is-- -What's wrong?

Everything! Mom and Dad and Leah and Tristan

all found out at the same time, in person!

You have to help me come up with a smart enough lie

to cover up the years of lies I already told them!

I mean, it's gotta be brilliant!

I... [exhales deeply]

...told you... [breathes deeply]

-...this... would... happen. -[horse nickering]

You did. You did. What do I do now?

-Do you mind? -[nickers]

[Malcolm] Seriously, what do I do?

Confess.

Apologize.

Make it right.

Stevie, quit clowning around. They already know,

there's nothing to confess. It's Mom.

She sees apologies as permission to become more enraged.

I've misled them for over a decade.

-How do I make that right? -[nickers]

Hey, Malcolm, can he call you back? [chuckles]

It's his turn for story time

and we need to finish before midnight.

Okay. Thanks anyway.

[Stevie] Sorry, man.

-[horse nickers] -[grunts]

You're in a wheelchair, and I'm needy?

[sighs]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Life is unfair ♪

[sighs] It's just not fair!

[Piama] Oh, my God, what happened?

What did I do? What did we do?

[grunts] We have just had the worst 24 hours of our life.

We just found out--

Guess who's gonna be a grandma?!

-[grunts] -Isn't it amazing?

We've been trying for so long. Years and years of constant sex

and all these weird mommy blog positions,

and it finally happened!

[pleading] Get your pee stick out of my face!

Seriously?

You can't even be happy for me about this?

[muttering] Why do I even try?

-Who's ready for re-caulking day? -[caulking gun whirs]

I put this on your credit card.

-What? -We just found out

that Malcolm has been intentionally hiding himself

from this family for years and covering it up with lies!

He has a teenage daughter!

A secret teenage daughter!

I still think my thing's pretty important.

Dad, I am so sorry.

I think we all knew Malcolm would eventually betray us.

That's what Harvard does to people.

[sighs]

-Or any college, really. -Oh. That reminds me.

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! -[♪ playful music playing]

What are you doing?

Dad is out there, emotionally destroyed.

I have to trash Malcolm as much as I can

-before he snaps out of it. -How stupid are you?

You mean, like, professionally measured?

Just because Mom and Dad aren't on social media,

you thought nobody else would find it?

What? eBay? They already know I sell my underwear to pervs.

What about Professor Dumb-Dumb?

[♪ quirky instrumental music playing]

-Shall we peruse "Greatest hits"? -[♪ music concludes]

[keyboard clacking]

[♪ perky garage rock song, "Big Fat Woodpecker" playing over PC]

-♪ Huh! Boom, boom, boom ♪ -Oh!

-Come on! [grunts] -♪ Goes the big bass drum ♪

-♪ Boom, boom, and we gonna get some ♪ -God! [groans]

-♪ Big, a-big, a-big bad bass ♪ -[sneezes loudly]

-♪ Boom, boom, goes the big bass drum ♪ -[groans]

These new ones aren't just more efficient, they are so much quieter.

♪ Wood-wood-peck peckity-peck-fat-check ♪

-♪ Peck-peck ♪ -[sniffs] What is-- Something...

Oh! Oh! Oh! [shrieking]

♪ Jing-jangy a-cling-clang-bangy ♪

Reese, just unplug it! Just...

unplug it! Reese!

-♪ Boom, boom ♪ -[shrieks] Reese!

♪ Boom, boom ♪

[screams]

-[♪ song concludes] -[keyboard clacking]

Sixty-eight videos. Millions of views.

How much money have you made publicly humiliating Dad?

-Including merch? -Merch?

-Are you gonna snitch? -Hell, yes, I'm gonna snitch.

Okay. What do you want?

-To snitch. -No. What do you want from me?

-To be there when I snitch. -Kelly, you don't wanna do that.

Dad is too upset. He couldn't take it.

I know that! God, this is so frustrating.

It felt so good ratting Malcolm out.

It was like... [breathes deeply] ...I'd found my calling.

I'm an informer.

It's like being a whistleblower, but mean.

And turning you in was going to be... [kisses]

Now, I have to wait to spill my guts.

But it's coming.

[high-pitched moaning]

What did you see?

[sobbing] Everything.

[grunts]

[♪ quirky instrumental music playing]

Oh. Oh, my God, what happened?! [gasps]

He... he just fell down for no reason.

Old people do that all the time.

[Lois] Hal? Hal!

[pants] Help me-- Help me get him into bed.

-He won't... [straining] ...unwind! -Oh.

Well, roll him! [breathes heavily]

Oh. Careful, careful, careful. Oh, my G--

Oh... [hesitates] Okay. Watch-- Watch--

-[mumbles indistinctly] -Okay. Uh... What do we do?

-We'll just roll him. -Okay.

-Roll him. This way. -Use your legs, not your back.

[♪ music concludes]

-Hey. -How far did you run?

Six miles past the interstate.

I'm in much better shape than I thought.

I met a horse.

I named him Cookie.

Dad, seriously? I can take Mom being crazy,

but that's only because you're not.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

I promise I'll never do anything like that again.

And don't call your mom crazy. She just has a lot of problems.

Primarily being crazy.

[sighs] So, anything else you've been, hmm, I don't know,

lying to me about since I was born?

-[Malcolm] Leah. -No!

My self-image is already screwed up.

And now, I'm part of a family I know nothing about.

I mean, are they murderers? Or geologists?

Or have Tay-Sachs or Klinefelter syndrome?

Or enjoy reading?

Or have characteristic body language?

Or they're athletic? Or super-tasters?

I should know all of that.

There's no geologists.

I think Tristan is amazing.

She is. Oh, my God, she must be so mad at me.

Yeah, she told Grandma

-and Grandpa that-- -[Malcolm gasps]

I was not ready to hear you call them that.

They really seemed okay. I-- I don't understand

-why you can't be around them. -I think yesterday you saw

a pretty convincing demonstration.

I have hay in my crack.

I cannot go back to how I was before,

and I'm not gonna risk you.

You are perfect. I want you to stay perfect.

[sighs] Okay, that-- That's just fighting dirty.

You have to think of it like they're the full moon

-and we're werewolves. -It doesn't matter.

Your cover is blown, and Grandma doesn't seem

the type to just let things go.

Look, I need time to figure this out.

[hesitates] You need to promise me

that if she contacts you, you will not respond

until you talk to me first, okay?

-Okay. -No, you need to promise.

Calm down. I promise.

Thank you. I need to get some sleep.

I'm still mad at you.

You'll still be mad when I wake up. I believe in you.

[♪ gentle instrumental music playing]

[snores softly]

[sighs]

[door closes softly]

[softly] How could Malcolm abuse my trust this way?

I'm so mad at him for betraying me.

You know, by comparison, Reese looks pretty good.

Sure, he's impetuous,

but that rascal has a heart of gold.

He's still my favorite.

[♪ music concludes]

[Francis] What's that?

It's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary.

Two pages each, front and back.

-Not a single repeat. -[sighs]

Listen, I have to talk to you.

I was so excited to tell you about the baby.

We tried so hard for so long, and when it finally happened,

all I wanted to do was tell you.

You didn't even say congratulations.

You're right.

I'm sorry. Congratulations.

-Never said I was perfect. -Yes, you have.

Well, I didn't mean it.

Look. [scoffs]

I will admit, there is a part of me, a part I do not like,

that feels like you intentionally waited until this exact moment

to get pregnant just to make it harder for me

to deal with all these other problems.

-That is crazy. -Honestly, your whole life

has been like you purposely planned every moment,

good or bad, to happen at the worst possible time.

That's not fair. It's always totally random.

I know I hurt your feelings. And I... I feel bad about it.

And I promise I am gonna be happy about this very soon.

I'm gonna be overjoyed. Just not right now.

I have too many other priorities right now.

You and the baby are number eight.

That is so insult-- Wait. You have a list with numbers?

Yes.

How do you think I manage?

I have to rank everything

according to how bad and how soon.

Anniversary party is number one.

Number two is our brand new, already-born granddaughter.

I mean, she has been thrown into this circus

with no preparation. We have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child.

Your father is a close number three.

Leah has the edge 'cause she's younger,

but he is in a complete meltdown.

Number four is making Reese pay for what he did!

Number five is figuring out a way to get Malcolm back into this family.

Number six is making him pay for what he did! [breathes deeply]

Number seven is trying to keep myself from draining

our life savings to pay for this party!

So, you are number eight.

[♪ moody jazz music playing]

When she puts it that way, I really can't argue with her.

Are you kidding me? We're one slot above "try oat milk."

I know.

-[sighs] -Sucks to feel like you don't matter.

I promise I'll never do that to our kid,

as long as they don't piss me off too much.

[clicks tongue] You are an incredibly smart,

-sexy momma. -[chuckles softly]

[groans softly]

[gate whirring]

-[dog barking in the distance] -[sighs]

Do you care?

I like the breeze.

[birds chirping]

-[indistinct chatter] -[Alison] Hey, Leah.

-[♪ music fades] -Hi, Allison.

-See you at pizza. -What pizza?

Oh. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Forget I said that.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Joanie's doing pizza after the social studies final.

I thought everyone was invited.

You really didn't.

And why do you take such delight in humiliating

someone who shouldn't even be on your radar?

Wow.

You really are cruel.

[♪ moody jazz music playing]

[birds chirping]

Mm.

Morning.

Is it morning?

Oh... [scoffs] Sweetie.

-[clicks tongue] -[♪ music fades]

Did you know that there's a South American slug...

that after mating, the eggs are deposited in the father?

And over the next three months,

the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father

until he's an empty husk

that blows away in the wind.

-I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois. -[sighs]

You know, we... we could just... Let it go.

-[scoffs softly] -For a little while.

Mm, I'm sorry...

Mr. Plumber.

I don't have enough money to pay your...

great big bill.

There must be some way I can satisfy you.

The office can put you on a payment plan.

Did you just turn down sex?

I guess I did.

-Hal. -Oh.

Hal, we... we... we don't

-turn down sex. -I know. [sighs]

We've done it in weddings and funerals

and... and petting zoos.

-[mutters indistinctly] -Hal, sex is our love language.

I know, I know. I'm sorry, honey,

-but... -[sighs]

Can I at least give you a hug?

[whimpers softly]

Not physically.

-[♪ moody jazz music playing] -[weeps, whimpers]

Thank you.

[Tristan over phone] Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip.

-[voicemail beeps] -Hey, Tristan. It's me again.

Look, I realize that you haven't returned my calls the last couple days

because my messages were apologies

without an explanation... [chuckles nervously]

...which I also apologize for. So, here it is.

[clicks tongue] I've been seeing a therapist

the last month or so. She put me on this antidepressant,

Venallpramine.

Um, I didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my...

[inhales] ...moods, behaviors, and decision-making.

But I am not gonna use a medication

that altered everything about me as an excuse.

[chuckles awkwardly] No. And, uh, I'm not gonna bring

Leah into this either, okay?

Even though she already feels so connected to you,

she knows that not seeing you again

isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her.

But please do not do this to her. She's just a kid.

-[cellphone beeps] -[sighs]

I'll be ashamed of myself after I get her back.

[♪ quirky instrumental music playing]

We are just so glad you called, Leah.

Dad insisted I get to know the family right away.

If Dad can keep secrets, I can break promises.

This is Francis and Piama.

-Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey. -[♪ music concludes]

-[system chimes] -And this is your uncle Reese,

who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second.

Word of warning. They get mad about anything around here.

-[keyboard clacks] -[Lois chuckles nervously]

Well, we are just so excited about all of this.

We've just missed so much.

We have a 1,000 questions we'd like to ask you.

-Hal... -Hmm?

D-- Don't you have a question that you'd like to ask Leah?

Uh... [stammers] Yeah, uh...

Uh, what... what do you wanna do when you grow up?

[feebly] Crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity?

Huh?

[chuckles awkwardly] Excuse us a minute.

[keyboard clacks]

Welcome to the family, Leah.

Gosh, I wish I was able to be there to welcome you properly.

[Gigi in French] Mon chéri, viens me rejoindre

dans mon petit bain très chaud.

Gigi, for crying out loud!

Can't you take one bubble bath by yourself?

[Gigi] Parce que je serais très glissante.

[faucet running]

[in English] Sorry, they're, um...

[clicks tongue] ...evacuating the hotel.

-Europe, right? -[keyboard clacks]

-[scoffs] -Yeah, hey, I gotta go too.

I gotta sneak in a cigarette

while the lieutenant's still taking a dump. Don't tell Mom I smoke.

-[system chimes] -[chuckles awkwardly]

Is it me? [chuckles] Because this feels like

when they make us choose lab partners.

No friends, huh? Yeah, you give off that vibe.

Kids can be mean. Parents too. [grunts]

So, the social thing is tough, huh?

[breathes sharply] No, it's great.

I'm... I'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah.

It really is fine. I mean, I'm... I'm used to it.

Because, like, what choice do I have? [chuckles]

I mean, there's way worse problems, right?

[system chimes]

Leah. Have you ever tried being kind?

-Probably not. -I am nice all the time,

and I get treated like crap anyway.

Nice is different than kind. Kindness requires empathy,

and empathy requires putting yourself

in someone else's place so you understand how they feel.

Do you remember ever doing that?

[scoffs]

[chuckles] Right!

That's a tough one for your dad too.

You guys have brains that are so different

from other people's, it's impossible to feel like

you have anything in common with them.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Just make an arbitrary rule. If you're not getting along with someone,

imagine you have empathy for them and act accordingly.

Like how I imagine I'm not always on the brink of violence.

-Try it. See what happens. -[Leah sighs]

-Something you wanna add? -[breathes deeply]

I bet if I crashed the car, I'd move up two spaces.

[♪ moody jazz music playing]

-[keyboard clacks] -[system chimes]

Oh, honey, Leah needs her warm and loving grandpa.

I'm... [breathes deeply] ...so sorry, Lois,

but I don't think I can.

-[♪ gentle music playing] -I look at her... [inhales]

...and instead of a sweet kid,

I just see one more person who will hurt me.

[knocking on door]

[sighs]

[♪ playful jazz music playing]

Ten-hut!

Lois! Your orders are to stay just as sweet, loving, and beautiful

as the day Hal first laid his loving eyes on you!

Open fire!

[explosion]

-[sighs, groans softly] -[song concludes]

-[Sergeant screaming] Reload! -[guns cock]

-[indistinct chatter] -[school bell ringing]

[sneezes]

Ah! [chuckles] I must be allergic to something.

[all snigger]

[♪ quirky instrumental music playing]

She fake sneezed a booger onto her chin.

There's a giant chunk of snot on her chin.

There's a million ways that I could nail her.

Do I go funny? Do I go brutal?

Do I connect it to her character flaws,

so it stings with some staying power?

[chuckles] My mind is reeling.

-[gasps] -[♪ music concludes]

Uh, hey, you have a thing on your chin.

It happens to me all the time.

[gasps]

Wait, wait, wait. I saw what you did back there,

that giant Jabba the Hutt on her face. Oh, my God.

-I... I was just-- -Oh, I hate Allison.

I had the perfect idea. [sniffles] I was gonna go,

"Would you care for some crackers with that oyster?"

-And... -[chuckles softly]

...then seeing what you did, I mean, I feel kind of sorry.

That was, like, noble.

[chuckles] I'm not noble.

-Well, something. Leah, right? -Yes, Jason.

I sit next to you in English. And World History.

Oh. Right? I'm dumb.

Was this a meet-cute? This was a meet-cute, right?

[♪ music fades]

[sighs] Tristan's on her way over.

I'm gonna take responsibility and acknowledge the impact

that my actions had on her.

Or I'm gonna justify it. And I'm gonna frame things

in a way that she thinks that it's partially her fault.

-Which one's gaslighting? -[knocking on door]

[gasps, pants]

-Hi. -[Malcolm] Hey.

Thank you so much for talking to me.

I know how upset you are.

I know how bad I screwed up and I...

I don't need to talk. I need to listen.

Go ahead.

I love your kid.

That's all I have for positives.

-Good start. -You totally sandbagged me.

Anytime I asked you about your family, you said it was complicated.

What I saw was not complicated.

It was just wrong.

Yes, but I have a solution for that.

All those angry, vicious things I screamed at 'em?

Imagine I didn't.

You have to make peace with your family, okay?

For your own sake and sure as hell for Leah's sake.

You don't understand. I can't. It's not just Mom and Dad.

It's so much worse with my brothers.

I mean, all we ever do is fight, except for when we team up to fight them.

You... have brothers?

Four. And one non-binary.

Dude. Come-- [breathes sharply]

-This is so much to unpack. -Don't unpack. Just burn.

-We don't need to know-- -No-- I should go.

No. I... [sighs]

[faltering]

I... I help the poor! [voice echoes]

-What? -I care so much about social justice.

-Malcolm, what are you-- -I'm not bad. I'm good.

I-- I'm not bad. I'm really good,

and... and I'm smart, which I remember that you don't care about,

because I listen, and I know how to tie shoelaces away,

so they never come untied, and I love you!

Oh, I should have led with that,

but I'm panicking. I'll start over.

I can't be around you right now.

I understand.

I'll... I'll be here whenever you're ready.

That won't be until I can trust you again.

If ever.

[♪ moody jazz music playing]

All night long. We should have called the cops.

I didn't get any sleep at all. [sighs]

Dad's always been a loud crier.

Guys, what are you doing still in your PJs?

-[♪ music fades] -Party's in 32 hours.

We still have a lot to do.

According to your twenty-bullet-point schedule

for today, I've more than enough time to finish my store brand cereal.

That was before I realized that my dress only looks right

with open-toe shoes.

I had to add an emergency pedicure.

My toes look like twisted walnuts.

Solved that one.

-Is Dad finally asleep? -No. He got up over an hour ago

to help run errands. Come on, you guys. Let's go.

Get the lead out.

-[indistinct chatter] -Huh? See? Completely normal.

-Don't be nervous. -I'm not nervous.

-I'm desperate! -Oh.

I only have one day to shake off all this depression and anger

so I don't ruin the party for Lois.

Well, this will help.

Microdosing is the best thing I ever did.

It's how I lost all that weight and got a handle

on my gambling addiction. I replaced it with porn.

-Greetings, voyagers. Namaste. -[Abe sighs]

-Namaste. -Richie?

[♪ new age music plays faintly over speakers]

Hal! Great to see you! How's Francis? How's the family?

I don't care! I need help.

Worry not. I have many weeks' experience

as a hallucinogenic scientist, shaman, concierge.

We see your pain, truth seeker.

And we have incredible shit to deal with it.

Let me give you a tour of our Tripitorium.

-I... I don't need a tour. -Indulge me.

-[Hal mutters indistinctly] -Hal. Please, please.

[Hal sighs]

Couch, cot, water, bathroom.

We recommend starting in our central chair.

Some people call it a dream platform.

Others, a launch pad to enlightenment.

Either way, there's a puke bucket next to it.

Oh, uh, we already paid. I used my coupon.

Don't forget, that doesn't include tip.

-Right. -[Richie sighs]

This... is the "medicine."

Air quotes are for the lawyers.

Since you're new to this, we'll start you out with 1.5--

-[breathes deeply] -[Hal] Mm.

-[shouts] Where'd they go? -[gulps]

-He swallowed them. -All of them?

I have to divvy them out. You ate 60 milligrams.

-Is that too much? -Well, not if you're like...

-15 elephants. -[Abe] Okay.

We gotta get your stomach pumped.

No!

It's the only chance I have left. I'm going in.

Gonna need a bigger bucket.

[upbeat psychedelic rock song plays, "Grow Wings and Fly"]

♪ Yeah-hey! Ow! ♪

[♪ song concludes]