Original subtitles

This is Ashkan. Text me like a normal person.

Hey Ashkan, I heard what happened. Just wanted to check in and see if you're

okay.

Hey babe, so glad you're doing this

trip for yourself.

Heaven fucking sucks.

And yeah, I'm here if you need anything, okay?

Love you.

Front door, open.

Balcony door, open.

You woke up in hell because the world's insane.

You were here on fire once again.

Hey there.

Hey handsome, how's your weekend going?

I woke up in hell.

Andy, the owner of the cabin.

Getting settled in, okay?

Please let me know if you need anything, and be sure to keep your shoes off

inside, okay? Thank you.

What's up?

How's your night going?

Hey there. Going well. Just spending the weekend in Big Bear. How about you?

You looking?

How come you don't show your face?

Discreet. Can you host?

Yeah.

What time?

Hey, what's up?

Into group play?

We're visiting for the weekend from L .A.

Nice. I'm from L .A. too.

What are you?

I'm a bottom.

Ha ha. No, I meant what's your ethnicity?

Oh, LOL.

Iranian.

Exotic. Come over.

What's up? How's Big Bear? Hey.

So, a group of guys invited me over to this, like, orgy thing?

Should I go?

I'm nervous, though.

Love you, too. Bye.

Hi, sorry.

To be honest, I'm not in the right headspace to hook up.

We could just have another beer.

No expectations.

Another beer?

You seem really close by.

That's because I am.

So?

I don't think so. Sorry.

Basement door, open.

Hi, this is Cindy.

I'm so sorry to be bothering you in the middle of the night like this, but I got

an alert of someone walking through the basement door on the Nest Cam.

Just a reminder, that's the basement.

Thank you.

and text me like a normal person.

I thought I heard screaming. I'm coming over.

Obviously the food was insanely nice and everything, but there just wasn't

enough.

Like I could fuck up a mini -mini, you know what I mean?

I get it. Does anyone actually enjoy that?

Okay, you're stressing me out.

I think

you've

got it, Ben.

I can speak at all three of my brother's weddings.

You're not taking the tactical shit, are you, Jerry?

Doggy bags in and everything.

You bastard.

So, I've been told to tell you that we are down to ten.

Are you ready?

Well, I'm ready, Martin. You know that.

You know, you wish that you'd done a run.

No, no, no. Never.

We've got time.

Why, Martin?

To get it all up to date with you.

Don't doubt it.

After minding yourself, positively presidential.

Your brother gave me some words of wisdom.

That's what I think of that.

No, you needn't worry.

It's a family after all.

It's not that.

What is it then, a scythe?

What do you want?

A scythe? To put you away?

I don't mind that.

She doesn't bite.

This is the boys' room, after all.

Oh, fingers and thumbs, what am I doing?

You still haven't shown yourself.

Testing, testing, testing.

Yeah, I knew that would get your attention.

Good. Right. Is everybody sitting down?

Well, good.

Well, it's very nice to see so many familiar faces. And for those of you

don't know me, I'm the one that pays for all the overpriced booze that you're

drinking.

So, where to begin?

Actually, can you just bear with me one second?

I'll put these on. Lucy calls these my hipster glasses, so I'm glad that

is finally catching up with me.

Well, let's start with Lucy, shall we?

So Lucy, 50 % punk, 50 % princess. Although I think we'd all agree 100 %

So before Lucy was born, we were poor as church mice. And

we managed to put together a tiny deposit for a time. tiny little flat

about five foot by five foot square, and it had a fold -down bed and this shared

kitchen. You had to piss in the sink unless you wanted to walk three flights

the stairs.

And anyway, in the middle of all of this palatial grandeur, her mother came up

to me one day and said, I'm pregnant.

And I was speechless.

A word literally failed me.

Actually, all apart from one word, which was shit.

Anyway, I think now's the time to thank Judy.

So we may have disagreed.

Do you know what? I'm going to rephrase that. No, we always disagreed on

everything. But do you know what? I think we got this one right.

Now, I've made mistakes.

Actually, looking at those of you lot tonight, this might be the biggest one

all.

But...

You know, my mum was always accused by my dad of,

well, as he so elegantly put it, he called her a fool for mistaking us

shits for angels. Do you remember that, Joe?

You were the little shit.

No, no, I think you were the little shit.

Anyway, look, be that as it may. Do you know what? Actually, I don't mind being

called a fool.

Because, Lucy...

You are an angel.

And now I've got this new family. And these two

fine boys.

Andy, Christian.

Do you know what? From now on, please, the door is always open. I'm always

And from now on, you can call me Daddy.

That's enough of that. Look, please, ladies and gentlemen, upstanding all,

your glasses for the bride and groom, Andy and Lucy.

Andy and Lucy.

I don't know what to say.

Actually, Martin was... Martin was...

I

guess what I have to say is thank you for that,

but now for the main attraction.

For the fortunate few who don't know me, I'm Andy's younger...

more handsome brother.

All joking aside, I would like to tell you how honoured I felt when you asked

to be your best man all those months ago.

But first we must address the stag weekend.

A weekend we'll never forget if only we could remember.

I must also add that all the allegations are unfounded and she was still

breathing when we left.

It's better than his shitty ones.

Well, I'm just... I'm just really happy for you.

Excuse me.

Get it all out.

Get the fuck off me.

What the hell are you doing?

All right, not in here, not in here. Come on, come on.

Sorry, everyone, we'll be back in just a minute.

Move, move.

All right, boys, shut up.

Boys, boys, that's enough. I'm so, so sorry, man. I can't even begin. Yeah,

sorry. Kristen, come on, come again.

Dad, call a car.

No, no, there's no need for that. The car's just outside.

I've only had one drink.

That's all right.

Any excuse they could really be.

No, fuck this, I'm calling a cab.

Great, best man you've been. Top idea.

Look,

I'm sorry.

Alright, good. Should we move on?

You two, shake hands.

There's water under the bridge, isn't it, Kristen?

you say can i boy what the

up

You know what I do. You know what I do.

I'm telling you, you've changed a little bit. I'm not saying a lot. I'm saying

you've changed a little bit. Last year, all over it. But I'm just saying, it

could be the greatest holiday of your life.

I know what that was like.

You're exactly the same. Remember two years ago?

Yeah, that's what I was saying.

That's what I was saying.

Me, you, my org, the men, folks, the parliament, all paid for. All you need

do is bring expanded money.

That's all you need to do.

Are you feeling that? Are you feeling that?

I told you this last year. I'm gonna tell you this again.

You're my brother and my cousin.

I'll think about it later.

I'll think about it.

Alright, let me know next week then.

You over yourself yet?

What are you on about?

No, I just...

It's just happy for a minute. That's all it is.

What was that earlier then?

The funniest shit I've seen in my life. I'm telling you right now.

Please, please tell me you think it's funny. Don't be a dick, Don. Shut up,

friend.

I think you should watch this at all times.

No,

we're not different.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But what they didn't take, we shall open now, shall we? We shall!

Are we ready?

Here we go!

Oh, purring's a jolly good thing. Oh, purring's a jolly good thing. Come on,

let's get out of here.

What about the cook?

Oh, baby.

Oh,

purring's a jolly good thing.

Previously on Monogamy House.

Why are you blaming other people for your actions? Because you're a f***ing

Oh, hell no!

I let my physical attraction to a guy ruin something

I felt in my heart.

I'm honestly trying to be a better person.

Who, Erica?

Nah, Kylie.

Erica's cute, but not hot.

I think she's pretty.

She's not hot, necessarily.

I'm not picky.

If a girl's attractive, she's attractive.

I mean, Erica's attractive.

It's not like I wouldn't.

It's just, uh, I'm trying to be precise.

And my appreciation for the studio.

Dude. No, dude.

That is the gayest thing you could say about fucking women.

You're fucking ridiculous.

That challenge was wild. There was naked bitches

everywhere.

Just... Party from with all these girls, dude.

Do you mind if... Do you mind if I... I mean, I'm just...

I'm just so horny right now. It's cool.

It's not gay because we're looking at girls.

I'm so horny. I... I wish there were some girls here who really did a good

Well, I would literally fuck a bagel if it looked at me right.

I took a bagel and small it for your tiny pack.

Bro, and yours isn't any bigger.

It's bigger than yours.

Okay.

Let's settle this.

They basically have the same size.

Whatever.

You win.

Oh, shit.

Sometimes, you just want to kiss your bro.

Mm -hmm.

You're a badass.

You're a badass.

Congratulations.

Just got a new match.

Congratulations.

What's up?

Dude, I'm going on a date with an actual girl.

Oh, uh, shit.

Nice. Dude, check it out.

And I was like, bitch, no, she will not take

the last ball of bubblegum cashmere two -ply.

My sweater is 80 % done, and it's gonna be fucking monochrome.

But, like I said, there was only one ball left.

We locked eyes, and we both knew we wanted it.

So, I had my knitting out already, right?

Because, obviously, we were in the middle of a goddamn knitting circle.

We both leaned in to grab it, and I let her get in front of me.

And I took the tip of my needle right, and I jabbed them into her ribcage.

She made a little sound, like, yep!

And dropped the yarn, like, immediately.

I'm... Pretty sure she knows it wasn't an accident, but she is way too scared

find out for sure.

Anyway, my sweater turned out so good.

Um, I... I... Damn.

Anyway, do you want to get out of here?

I live, like, four blocks away.

Okay.

Yeah.

Um... Oh.

Oh, you mean now?

Okay, yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You're, like, kind of dumb, aren't you?

That is so cute.

Yeah, thanks.

You want, like...

Wait. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, actually, wait. Let me walk on the outside of you.

Okay, whatever.

Who's my lighter?

Um... Light, what?

Hello? Uh, hey dude, what's up?

Um,

nothing.

Um, is this a bad time?

Um, no, no, no, no, what's up?

Uh, I had the day off and I'm super bored. I was just wondering what you

to. Um, yeah, well, I'm with Grace right now.

I fucked over at her house last night.

Oh, uh, nice.

So, what are you doing later?

Um, I don't know.

Grace?

What are we doing later?

I don't know.

Dude, are you, like, lolling right now?

Um, I'm not a lesbian.

Right.

Anyway, it seems like you're busy. We can just talk later.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm here. I'm here. Listen, um, we should hang out

later. Really?

Um, great. I would love that.

Grace, do you want to meet Elijah?

Who? You know.

You know, I mentioned him. I talk about him all the time.

Whatever.

Oh, you mean, um, okay.

Yeah, sure. Oh, my God. Dude, I can't believe you haven't met Grace yet.

Well, uh, it's only been a week.

Love each other and this would be so fucking fun.

I'm about to detonate for myself and then you'll be gone. Try me anyway.

Try me. I'm about to detonate.

Here you go.

I'm about to donate myself and then you'll be gone.

You guys are so boring.

I'm having fun.

That's great, babe.

But I'm trying to party.

I'm looking like a bitch.

I love this game.

I love this game.

I love this game.

I love this game.

I love this game.

I love this game. I love this game. I love this game.

Thank you. Thank you.

I don't want to hear about you and Grace fucking. What the fuck?

What? What's the problem? She thinks you're hot too, you know.

That's not what I mean. I mean, like, does she consent to being fantasized

in this way?

Yeah, well, like, she knows you and I hook up sometimes. What is the big deal?

Don't say hooking up. That sounds really gross.

Bro, you're being a fucking faggot right now.

You know what?

So could you, like, go?

Fucking gay asshole fucking drama queen right now.

Hey. Hey.

Thanks for meeting me here.

Yeah.

No, for real. It, like, means a lot to me, or whatever.

Cool. Uh, can I actually get one of those?

Thanks.

Um, do you have a lighter, too?

Do you know what you want me to say right now?

I'm just trying to clear the air and, like, be honest and shit.

Cool.

Do you think I'm attractive?

I mean, I don't really want to have sex with you, if that's what you're asking.

Oh.

Is that a problem?

No.

Of course not.

Cool.

Um... I'm trying to not be a bitch. I'm trying to, like, make sure I don't

come in between friends.

Is that what Billy said?

I don't need him to tell me something's wrong.

No, um, I mean, uh, friends.

I said friends.

Babe, I'm Polly. It's not a big deal that you fuck.

Elijah?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, um, I think I'm fine.

Uh...

Have a nice life, Grace, and say hi to your boyfriend for me.

Boyfriend?

What's his problem?

I think he's just really, really, really...

Gay.