Original subtitles

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S "COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

? Hello, world, hear the song That we're singing ?

? Come on, get happy ?

? A whole lot of lovin' Is what we'll be bringing ?

? We'll make you happy ?

? We had a dream We'd go traveling together ?

? We'd spread a little love ?

? And then we'll keep Movin' on ?

? Something always happens Whenever we're together ?

? We get a happy feeling When we're singing a song ?

? Traveling along there's A song that we're singing ?

? Come on, get happy ?

? A whole lot of lovin' Is what we'll be bringing ?

? We'll make you happy ?

? We'll make you happy ?

? We'll make you happy ?

[???]

It's unbelievable, all these people writing in

to spend a week with the Partridge Family.

I'd rather enter a contest to win mumps.

Living with you kids isn't my idea

of getting away from it all either.

You're stuck with us, Mom.

I checked your contract for loopholes.

Reuben had a good idea when he thought up this contest.

We've gotta give him credit.

Might as well, he'll take it anyway.

SHIRLEY: we better get to work.

Rueben's gonna be here with the winner.

And I don't want her to see the house like this.

Speaking of looks, I sure hope she's cute.

If she is, I'm sure you'll make this week

an unforgettable experience for her.

I may even take her to Muldoon's Point.

I said "unforgettable," not "unforgivable."

Mr. Kincaid's here.

Oh, no, my house.

My hair.

Tell you what, Laurie.

I'll help Mom fluff the mailbags,

you help Keith fluff his hair.

Hi, gang.

I'd like you to meet the winner

of the Bopper Beat magazine contest:

Gloria Neugast.

[???]

She's gonna love Muldoon's Point.

[???]

[???]

Believe me,

it's like I've known every one of you for years.

And if there's one thing I've got plenty of,

it's years.

Mrs. Neugast, I'm Shirley Partridge.

Oh, hello.

We're pleased you won the contest, Mrs. Neugast.

I'm Laurie. Who else would you be?

Laurie Partridge, first-born girl.

Birthday, December 10th. Birth sign, Sagittarius.

Your favorite color's blue. Mm.

I've lived with her all my life.

I didn't know her favorite color was blue.

I wasn't even sure she was a girl.

Oh, Danny.

Keith!

Oh, darling, you look just like your phonograph record.

Even better.

Mrs. Neugast, I hope you'll excuse the house.

We were just cleaning it when--

Please, don't apologize, dear.

I love a house that looks lived-in.

I'm late.

It's that big breakfast that did it.

Bye, Mom. Mrs. Neugast.

When I lie awake planning breakfast,

I like it should be eaten.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

When those kids leave for school,

this house practically shrieks with silence.

Enjoy the noise while you can.

What do you mean? Before you know it,

they'll be off on their own.

Do you have children? Oh, yeah.

Two girls and a boy.

Oh, the girls are married to absolute princes.

But, on the other hand, my daughter-in-law...

Well, two out of three ain't bad, huh?

You spend much time with them?

I'd spend more time with them

if they'd tell me where they lived.

Oh, come on, now.

All right, so I know where they live.

I'm still not wanted.

You know, it's funny.

If a mother deserts children,

she's called a rotten mother.

On the other hand, if the kids desert the mother,

well, everybody says that's normal.

Anyhow, who needs kids?

I prefer contests.

You don't mean that.

I don't?

Look at me. I just won a family.

Laurie,

that skirt you wanted hemmed, I can do it now.

Oh, thanks, Mom,

but Mrs. Neugast did it for me this afternoon.

She did? When did she have time?

I think it was somewhere in between shampooing the rug

and mowing the lawn.

She mowed the lawn?

After she fixed Tracy's bicycle.

All I can say is when I get to be Mrs. Neugast's age,

I hope I have her energy. I certainly don't have it now.

You know, Mrs. Neugast is the best thing

that's happened to this family.

It's almost like we won the contest.

Mom, I'm going to the park for a while.

Finish your English composition? Yep.

It's titled, "Mothers Get Lonely Because Children Get Forgetful."

By any chance,

did Mrs. Neugast help you write your English composition?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Oh, a lonely mother's intuition.

Mom, I hate to tell you this,

but ever since Mrs. Neugast showed up

you've just been another pretty face around here.

[???]

[CHUCKLING]

[???]

Oh, hello, Keith.

Oh, hi.

I was just reading.

These magazines have some great short stories.

Oh, I'm sure.

Keith, do you have a girlfriend?

I mean, besides Miss November.

Uh...

Well, Doris and I have sort of a thing going, yeah.

Where do you go on a date?

The usual places.

I take her to the movies or the taco stand.

Or sometimes Muldoon's Point.

Oh. What happens at Muldoon's Point?

Well, that depends. Depends on what?

Oh, on how well things go at the movies or the taco stand.

Ever go up there by yourself?

Muldoon's Point? Yeah.

If you went up there by yourself,

I'm afraid you'd draw a crowd.

You know, according to the rules of the contest,

you're supposed to take the winner on a typical date.

Oh, Mrs. Neugast-- Don't be silly.

Naturally, I wouldn't ask you to take me to Muldoon's Point.

So this is Muldoon's Point.

Yeah.

Sure are a lot of people here tonight.

You know,

it's just like I knew it was going to be.

It reminds me of Strawberry Lane,

when I was your age.

Effrin and I were 17 then.

Mrs. Neugast,

I don't know what Strawberry Lane was,

but Muldoon's Point...

Well, things are different now.

Oh? You kids invented something new, huh?

Keith?

Keith, is that you? Doris.

Who are you with?

Uh, Doris, this is Mrs. Neugast.

Mrs. Neugast, Doris is my girlfriend,

and I'm gonna be sick.

Look who Partridge is with.

I read about your type, Keith.

Hey, Partridge, you always bring a chaperon along?

Keith is a good boy. Now, all you kids play nice.

What a bummer.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, Keith.

A lot of guys date older women. I know I do.

Oh, it's not funny, Reuben.

Just tell me one thing:

Why did you take Mrs. Neugast there in the first place?

You forget the word "no"? That's another strange thing.

She was telling me how she wasn't interested

in seeing Muldoon's Point,

and the next thing I know, I'm driving her up there.

Mrs. Neugast can be very persuasive.

Of all people, why did Doris have to see me?

That's a good question.

You know, if she was up there, she must have been with someone.

Yeah, that's right.

A guy was driving that car.

What was Doris doing up there

with another guy at Muldoon's Point?

Maybe Casanova magazine was having a road test.

There's one thing we all need to understand.

Like most of us, Mrs. Neugast needs to be needed.

She needs someone to love.

Why don't we all chip in and buy her a goldfish.

[DOOR OPENS]

Bernie, this is the family I was telling you about.

This is Laurie and Shirley and Mr. Reuben.

Kincaid.

Shirley, this is Bernie Applebaum.

I wanted you to meet him. He's a doctor.

But none of us are sick.

It doesn't matter.

He's a single, unmarried bachelor doctor.

[???]

[CHUCKLING]

Let's see,

I've told you about my first,

second and third year at med school.

[LAUGHING]

Well, my interning at County Hospital will have to wait

for another evening.

Doctor, it certainly has been... Evening.

Well, you may yawn if you like.

Oh, why would I want to yawn?

Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

A yawn is merely indicative of a lack of oxygen.

Oh?

Oh, a lot of people yawn when I'm around.

I must use up a lot of oxygen.

Well, it's just that I didn't sleep very well last night.

Mrs. Partridge,

a double bed can be a very lonely place.

Thank you.

I'll always remember that as a medical opinion.

[???]

[SIGHS]

KIDS: Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst.

[???]

Sounds like a convention of flat tires in here.

What are you doing up so late? It's about Mrs. Neugast.

I know she's just trying to be nice,

but she's nicing us right up the walls.

She helped me with my arithmetic homework and it's all wrong.

She straightened out my toy box

and now my squiggy-wiggy's missing.

We never have privacy anymore.

She sticks her head in my room

at least once every five minutes.

LAURIE: She treats me like a baby.

This afternoon I found her sewing nametags

in all my clothes.

I know how you feel.

Yesterday when I went to the store,

she pinned a list inside my pocket.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Absolutely nothing.

ALL: Oh, Mom! Look,

if Mrs. Neugast has taken over our lives,

it's because we've invited her to.

Chris, you asked her to help with your homework, didn't you?

Well, yeah.

And you, young lady,

if you straightened out your own toy box,

your squeeky-weeky wouldn't be missing.

The point is, Mrs. Neugast may be nice to a fault,

but she means well.

She'll be gone in just a few days.

But while she's here,

no one is gonna say one word to hurt her feelings.

Is that clear?

Yeah, we have to just grin and bear it.

Right.

What's everybody doing up at midnight?

We weren't very sleepy.

But you have to get your rest for tomorrow.

It's the recording session.

I know just the thing to make you sleepy:

Hot boiled milk.

Hot milk?

We love hot milk.

Keith loves it too. Don't you, Keith?

Uh, yeah. I just love hot milk.

I bet the pot at the end of the rainbow

is filled with hot milk.

I hope there's enough for everybody.

Mrs. Neugast? Hmm?

Keith loves hot milk so much,

why don't you give him mine.

Danny, you're such a nice boy.

[???]

Okay, let's make it a good one, gang.

Well, they're about ready to start.

Now, there must be absolute quiet

during the recording session, Mrs. Neugast.

I'll be quiet as a mouse. Okay.

"Echo Valley, 26809." Take one.

[KEITH SINGING "ECHO VALLEY"]

? We grew up together... ?

Just a minute!

Oh, I hope I'm not too late.

What's the matter? Keith's hair is out of place.

That's much better. Who's gonna know the difference?

I will. I wouldn't be able to listen to your record album

if I thought your hair was messed up.

"Echo Valley, 26809." Take two.

Oh, hold it. Hold everything.

? We grew up... ?

Why is the microphone in front of Shirley's face?

Mrs. Neugast, it doesn't matter.

This is only a recording.

Nobody's going to see her face on a record.

Well, how should I know? I'm not in the business.

ENGINEER: Take three.

[RUSTLING]

[KEITH SINGING "ECHO VALLEY"]

? We grew up together... ?

[WHISPERING] They're instant energy.

? Ferris wheels And sunshine laughter ?

? A rainbow love That lasted after the rain ?

? And now we're separated ?

? And I've become A lonely runner ?

? And when I rest I hurt and I wonder ?

? If I'll ever See you again ?

Cut.

Uh, why don't you bring the nice raisin lady

into the nice control room,

and we'll make the nice record before this nice year is over.

[SINGING "ECHO VALLEY"]

? We grew up together ?

? With Ferris wheels And sunshine laughter ?

? A rainbow love That lasted after the rain ?

? And now we're separated ?

? And I've become A lonely runner ?

? And when I rest I hurt and I wonder ?

? If I'll ever See you again ?

? Echo Valley 2-6809 ?

? I can see it clearly In my mind ?

? But I'm scared to call ?

? 'Cause it's been such a long, long time ?

? Da, da, da, da ?

? Never been much for writin' ?

? 'Cause what do you say To a dream that's dyin'? ?

? A fragile lifeline That's untyin' ?

? Oh, no, oh, no ?

? I can't face the sunrise ?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

? Lightin' up A road to nowhere ?

? Where you are I have to go there ?

? Are you waitin'? I've got to know ?

? Echo Valley 2-6809 ?

? I gotta call that number One more time ?

? 'Cause I've just got to know ?

? If you're still mine ?

? Da, da, da, da ?

? Oo, oo ?

KEITH: Hello, operator?

Get me Echo Valley 2-6809.

["ECHO VALLEY" SESSION PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

OPERATOR: a disconnected number.

? Echo Valley 2-6809 ?

? I shoulda called That number ?

? Echo Valley 2-6809 ?

[MUSIC FADES]

Well, what do you think?

I think it's just fine. We'll press that one.

Shirley, darling, come here, dear.

I think you should get more efficient help.

Seventy-three takes? Too much.

[???]

SHIRLEY: Mrs. Neugast?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Mrs. Neugast? Yes?

Come in.

Any time you're ready, Keith will carry your bags.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I just regained consciousness.

I fainted a little bit. It was a very short faint.

Short faint? Maybe I better call Dr. Applebaum.

No, no, it'll look like you're chasing him.

Better you should wait till he calls you.

But if you're sick... I'm fine.

If I live, I'll be better tomorrow.

if not, the next day.

Your feet should be elevated.

Here. There.

[GROANS]

Shirley, what you don't know about being a good hostess

isn't worthwhile knowing.

We've enjoyed having you.

I've enjoyed being here.

But, frankly, a houseguest is like chopped chicken liver.

They should both be thrown out after a week.

So if you'll call me an ambulance, I'll...

I can't let you leave if you're sick.

But I'm sure you're anxious to get home.

Who's anxious? That cold, empty apartment?

I can't stand the wallpaper.

Little boats going all around.

I get seasick just thinking about it.

Maybe the landlord will change the wallpaper.

I doubt it. I picked it out myself.

To be truthful, if you live and you're not needed,

there's no need to live.

I feel that way myself.

I was very happy here.

If ever a family needed me,

this one does.

Well, I try my best, Mrs. Neugast. It's a big job.

Of course you do.

Shirley, you're only a baby yourself.

Hey, you know that TV commercial

where the mother looks as young as the daughter?

You could play both parts.

[???]

[GROANING]

[???]

SHIRLEY: Simple as that.

Mrs. Neugast doesn't wanna go home

so she's talked herself into being sick.

Why?

I guess she sort of likes this family.

She is sick.

Well, how long is she gonna stay with us?

We can't ask her to leave until she feels well.

That means she can be here indefinitely.

This may be the first time a whole family

ran away from home.

Mr. Kincaid, this whole contest was your idea.

I hate to point that out, but I'm a rotten kid.

Yeah, I know it was my idea, and I'll figure a way out.

Believe me, I'll put my mind to it.

We need a lot more help than that.

[???]

Did your mother ever tell you to look both ways

before you cross the street?

Of course.

Mm. Too bad.

[???]

Tracy, a little sliver of chocolate pudding

won't ruin your dinner.

Here.

Mrs. Neugast, are you feeling any better?

I'm still living, knock wood. That's plaster.

Well, it works on plaster too.

Mrs. Neugast, you look wonderful.

That's if you don't come too close.

Oh, that's too bad for you.

Well, of course it's too bad for me.

Who else would it be too bad for?

Oh, about 35 kids.

I don't understand.

Uh, Reuben has done a very nice thing.

He was hoping you might do him a favor.

Nice nothing.

A friend of mine just happens to run

a child day-care center and...

Well, he needs help desperately.

You'd be doing him the favor.

Oh, those poor kids. I'll bet they need me.

I'll bet they're all run-down and skinny

and all have runny noses.

Well, I've got plenty of handkerchiefs.

I'm sure you'll enjoy the job.

What enjoy?

All those kids.

I bet when they leave, they'll never write.

Come on, what are we waiting for, huh?

[???]

[???]

You know, it feels great having our own house back.

Alone at last.

Yeah, but you know,

there were times in the past week when I missed her.

Mrs. Neugast was nice.

CHRIS: an extra mother around.

An extra mother?

I was just getting used to the first one.

Here's a letter from Mrs. Neugast.

LAURIE: What does she say?

"My dear children,

I love the weather here and I love my new job."

What a break.

"But even though I'm away from you,

"I think about you all the time.

"Tracy, you must stop biting your nails,

"otherwise your fingers will be too short

"for an engagement ring.

"And Keith, darling,

"you'll do me a big favor by not wearing

"those torn blue jeans.

"As you go through life, dress nicely.

"People will give you a job

"if you don't look like you need one."

I thought we were free of her. What are you complaining about?

According to this,

I have a date Saturday night with Dr. Applebaum.

[???]

[???]