Original subtitles

I can't tell which angle makes it scream,

"Hey, welcome to a modern, cool speakeasy!"

Well, from any angle, I'm pretty sure it's screaming,

"Hey, I'm a chair! I shouldn't even be talking."

I just want every detail of our speakeasy

to be perfect, you know?

I got this vintage record player at a garage sale.

Oh, and this vintage coffee table at another garage sale.

Oh, and those pillows? - Garage sale.

Actually, I got those on Etsy.

Oh.

I just want it to be special, you know?

It's my baby.

Aw. It is special.

You should feel real good about it.

I'll feel better once our lighting is finished.

Step ahead of you, sister.

I had the electrician install it over the weekend.

Thank you, Bobbie.

You're welcome.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Oh, you're doing great.

Only thing to keep in mind moving forward

is to keep a cool head.

Nothing to get worked up about.

Hey, guys, hide the hooch.

The fuzz is here.

Oh, yeah. Just a little speakeasy humor.

It's the health inspector.

The health inspector?

Wh--that's not until Wednesday!

Remember me?

Monica Ulrich, Department of Health,

badge number... all: 168.

Yep, yep, yep.

Monica, what are you doing here?

I'll be performing the health inspection

for this space on Wednesday.

I'd like you to have this paperwork filled out by then.

We didn't have to do this last time.

Well, I wanted to get here ahead of time

to tell you that, unofficially,

I'm really looking forward to spending time with you

as just one of the gals.

You know, gal time.

Why?

Well, during our last encounter,

I felt that the staff and I had developed an easygoing rapport.

Did I work here then?

She's just kidding.

Of course we did.

I'm relieved it's mutual.

Well, I guess I'll see you gals Wednesday!

Have a good day.

I don't know what that badge does,

but I never want one.

Bobbie, are you sure you're going to be OK

with Monica doing the inspection?

Of course. Why wouldn't I be?

Um, the last time she was here,

all she did was flirt with Emmett.

Her nickname for him was Hot Sauce.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'll be fine.

- You sure? - Of course I'm sure.

Now let's get downstairs

and open that other business that we're running.

OK.

Ooh.

Crap. I'm going to need that.

♪ Sometimes it feels like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

Oh!

Did my birthday come early?

Who sent me two front row seats to "Mamma Mia!"?

- They're addressed to Emmett. - Ugh.

How dare he go to a musical without me?

Maybe he wants to only hear the actors sing.

I mouth the words.

Yeah, and a lot of sound comes out.

Oh, there he is.

The dancing king.

What?

Your "Mamma Mia!" tickets came.

You know you can get those by email.

I got those for me and Bobbie when we were together.

Sorry.

Are you still going to go?

No.

Well, these are great seats, and I love ABBA.

Could I maybe buy them from you?

No.

Just 'cause I'm not going to use them

doesn't mean you can.

Wow.

And I thought you guys were friends.

Did you do something?

Ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yes, you in the back.

Well, maybe he's mad at you

because you blabbed his secret and Bobbie broke up with him.

Why is he attacking me?

I didn't blab his secret. Takoda did.

He should be attacking Takoda.

You're a real profile in courage, Steve.

Well, I don't know if this will make you feel any better,

but the important thing is,

no one's mad at me.

She's wrong.

I hate her.

Eat it.

Hey, Bobbie, I was--

uh-oh.

You're shredding.

You only do that when you're upset.

Is it Monica?

No, it's your paycheck.

Of course it's Monica.

If it really bothers you,

I'm sure there's some way we can get rid of her.

She won't fit in the shredder.

But really, I have no right to interfere.

I was the one that said Emmett and I should just be friends.

Technically true.

But if Emmett and Monica start to date,

you're going to have to see that every day.

We can't have a health inspector here.

She'll probably make me stop feeding the alley cats.

Those are raccoons.

She's shredding. - Mm-hmm.

She's upset because she thinks

Monica and Emmett will start dating,

and then they'll, you know, mm...

Mm-mm-mm.

OK. I don't love the visual.

And I don't love the sound effects.

It makes complete sense, Bobbie, OK?

Just because you two are no longer dating

doesn't mean you want to see him with someone else, OK?

So what do you want to do about it?

I don't think there's anything we can do about it.

Look.

Emmett goes fishing on Wednesdays

and doesn't get back until noon,

so that means all we have to do

is get Monica in and out in an hour.

There's three problems with that.

The first two are you and you.

What do you mean?

Well, Isabella likes to brag

about everything she's done to the speakeasy--

impressive, but time-consuming.

- Accurate, yet hurtful. - Yeah.

And, Gabby, there's a reason your name is Gabby.

You can't stand silence.

That is not true.

Somebody speak! - OK.

If we're going to get rid of Monica in record time,

you two need to zip it.

- OK. - OK. We promise.

Now, what was the third issue?

Oh, yeah, Steve.

There's no way he's going to rush out

the health inspector.

Shoot, the selfies alone will take 40 minutes.

Don't you worry.

I'll talk to Steve.

Not overtalk--

just the right amount.

Hey, remember when you said that Emmett wasn't mad at you?

- Mm-hmm. - Mamma Mia, were you wrong.

Leave him alone.

You don't know anything.

Well, you know, my name is Gabby

because I hear things.

Wait.

What did you hear?

I overheard Emmett talking to Isabella,

and he said that he can never trust you again.

I'm totally trustworthy.

Takoda's the one you can't trust.

Watch it, Steve.

You only got one friend left.

You know what you have to do.

You have to talk to Emmett.

Talk to the king of not talking?

There are mimes that talk more than Emmett.

Listen, if I've learned anything

about getting men to talk,

it's that you've got to trap them first.

I guess we could corner him in the kitchen after our shift.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

You've got to get him someplace away from work--

you know, where there's no distractions.

Hey.

I know.

Emmett goes fishing every Wednesday morning.

You could trap him at the fishing shack.

Or you can just shove me headfirst into an outhouse,

get it over with.

No, no, no.

You want him in his comfort zone.

And you know, don't confront him too quickly.

Really take your time.

You know, I never say this,

but I think Gabby's right.

You know, I've never said this,

but let's go to a fishing shack.

You know, if you wanted me to come--

No talking, no bragging.

We got to get her out of here. - OK.

You doing OK over there?

I'll tell you when I'm done.

Done.

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun ♪

Hey, Monica, if you need to get a closer look,

I could come over there and just lift you right up,

you know?

Not necessary.

If I need, I have a ladder in my Toyota Tundra.

Tundra.

Icy tundra.

Cold.

Brrr.

Icy. - What are you doing?

I don't know.

Get over there.

Now, this wood is original to the building.

Has it been fireproofed?

Yes. Fireproofed and up to code.

I kept the original wood look because--

Because that's the end of that story.

Although from an aesthetic standpoint,

much more went into it.

Will someone escort me to the refrigeration system?

It's right over here on the other side of the bar

right next to the still-quiet Gabby.

Oh.

Oh, there's my glasses.

Oh, oh.

I don't know.

OK, refrigerator is here,

and the temperature gauge is right there.

It's a refurbished 1957 Philco--

incredibly authentic.

You see, these are the kinds of touches...

I'll keep to myself.

OK, the gauge is in range,

and that checks the last item off the list.

Are we done?

We have successfully completed

the health inspection.

Oh.

That's a record, even for you.

Yeah. Best health inspector ever.

- This girl. - OK.

I'd like to acknowledge your professionalism

keeping the chatter and personal anecdotes

to a minimum.

Your time is valuable, and we respect that.

So get out of here!

And don't let the Prohibition era-style

sliding gate hit you on the way out.

Personally, I wanted to hurry things along--

- And we appreciate that. - Let me finish, Bobbie.

OK.

I wanted to hurry things along

so we could transition into gal time.

Gal time?

That's really a thing? - Well, yes.

Well, now that my badge is off,

I don't want you to think of me

as Monica Ulrich, Department of Health.

I want you to think of me

as Monica Ulrich, Department of Friends!

Who's out there?

I'm armed.

Don't shoot.

It's Steve.

Who's hiding behind Takoda.

Hey, buddy.

What the hell are you two doing out here?

Can we come in?

There's a lot of mosquitoes, and I think

they're attracted to my hand cream.

- Oh. Nice fishing shack, man. - Yeah.

I love what you haven't done to the place.

I'll say it again.

What the hell are y'all doing out here?

What do you mean?

I'm just a dude that loves a place

with fish and worms and--ugh, fish and worms.

We wanted to apologize.

Huh.

For coming here?

I accept.

See you later.

No.

For me telling Isabella that you knew about her.

I mean, technically, I'm the one who told you,

so I'm also to blame.

But you know, just a little less.

Yeah, I know.

When I told you that, I put you in a terrible spot,

just like Happy did me.

I'm glad you don't blame us, but something's going on.

You know why I come out here?

The ambience?

The quiet.

So if you can't stay quiet, head out.

OK.

Wait. We're staying?

So I said to the manager,

"Your waiter's not wearing any shoes!"

And he says to me--

true story, hand to God-- - I believe you.

I believe you.

And he says to me, "That's OK.

He serves the food with his hands."

Oh, no!

Who knew there'd be so many funny stories

about being a health inspector?

- I know. - So many.

So very many.

I got a million of 'em.

Yeah. I know. We've heard 'em.

Oh, man.

You know, this would be so much more fun

if we were drinking.

Can we please start drinking?

Oh!

I'd love to imbibe in some spirits.

Hey, as long as you don't serve them with your feet!

Oh, sha-ding!

OK, well, we don't want to keep you.

So here we go. - Yeah, yeah.

No, but wait, wait, wait.

What about you guys? Come on.

You must have some hilarious stories about working here.

- Ah, no. - No.

Not--not really.

Oh, come on.

It's a bar.

Surely there were some hijinks.

No. We pride ourselves in no hijinks.

Yep.

No hijinks and no quiche.

No.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Nothing? - Nah.

OK, well, then I have one more.

Oh, yay.

No, this one, you're going to find hilarious.

- OK. - OK.

I get pretty lonely,

because I don't have any friends.

And I actually thought that I might find some here.

How--how funny is that?

Not exactly hilarious.

Wait a minute, Monica.

You know, Daddy always said that Happy's was a place

where no one should feel alone.

It's a place where everybody knows your name.

Wait. Wasn't that "Cheers"?

I think that--

Let me finish, Monica.

It's here too.

I'd like for you to stay.

What about you two?

Do you want me to stay?

Yeah, I do.

Me too.

Sha-ding! Ha!

What are you doing?

I'm organizing.

I'd do this alphabetically,

but I have no idea what they're called.

Wow.

I was wrong.

You're being quiet, and you're still a problem.

Get out.

We're worried about you, man.

Thought you were worried I was mad at you.

Even if you're not mad at us,

we can tell that something's bothering you.

We just want to know what's going on.

I don't feel like talking.

Why?

Because I don't feel like it.

Well, we're not leaving until you tell us what's going on.

Right, Takoda?

Right.

So why won't you talk to us?

Because talking ruined everything.

What do you mean, "Talking ruined everything"?

Because Happy told me his secret,

and then he died.

Then I tell Bobbie his secret,

and then she leaves me.

So you guys add all that up.

What's the problem?

Talking?

- Bingo. - No.

Emmett, I'm sorry that happened,

but I don't think talking is the problem.

You lost two of the most important people

in your life, people you felt safe opening up to.

You need to open up to somebody, man.

I'm fine.

No, you're not.

You were, but then something happened.

I guess it was when those theater tickets arrived,

it hit me.

This thing with Bobbie,

it's not going to blow over.

We're not going to get back together.

I really hoped you would.

Me too.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I do.

You're going to move on, which will be hard.

And you'll still have us to talk to.

Although maybe in a different place.

Hey.

You want to learn how to whittle?

No.

But I'll sweep up.

Deal.

Watch out for the fish heads down there.

Ohh.

They're looking at me.

I get it.

Monica, you're a hoot.

Thanks for getting me to stay.

I'm glad you did.

Yeah, we all are.

I just get so insecure and start spinning out

about, you know, not having any friends

and not being liked and being unlucky in love

and, you know, dying alone.

Oh, yeah, I--

Sounds to me like you're borrowing trouble.

And I should know, because I've been doing that

a lot lately.

Honestly, me too.

I keep worrying that something's going to go wrong

with the speakeasy and then it'll be a big failure

and the tavern will go bankrupt

and I'll lose all my teeth to night grinding.

See?

That's a heap of borrowed trouble.

I don't need to borrow trouble.

I live with it.

And its name is Mom.

Well, so how do you guys deal?

I mean, once I start borrowing, I can't stop.

You know what works for me?

- What? - My friends.

These two had my back when I was spinning out,

and now we have yours.

Really?

- Yeah. - Really.

You have nothing to be insecure about.

And don't be afraid about putting yourself out there.

OK.

Thanks.

Big E!

Monica.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just, uh, talking with my friends.

Well, it's good to see you.

Hey, I was wondering,

would you want to grab a cup of coffee next week?

You should go, Emmett.

She's a lot of fun.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

I'm in.

OK, great.

Well, I'll give you a call.

I know this great place that

cleans their espresso machine like you wouldn't believe.

All right.

I'll see you next week.

OK, perfect.

All right.

Are you OK, Bobbie?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I take it you enjoyed "Mamma Mia"?

It was the greatest show I've ever seen in my life.

In my life!

Thanks for nothing.