Original subtitles

Have you seen Chelsea Nakamura?

Chelsea!

Chels?

There she...

Chels?

Hey.

So I think that we should try something new

for the Save the Whales Day.

Okay. We usually do the charity golf tournament

and no one complains.

I know.

That's because everyone finds it too boring for words.

You mean you're too bored?

That's correct. I find it boring.

I don't mind being the whistleblower here.

What's your idea?

Ahem. Okay.

Photo calendar, our employees,

but in very flattering lighting, obviously.

We sell it. Boom!

Money for whales.

Like a firefighter calendar?

Yeah. Tasteful. Classy.

You haven't organized anything since your dog's quinceanera.

No. But I learned a lot from that.

Fine.

If it keeps you outta my office,

off email,

and away from anything that'll concuss ya,

I call that a win. For me.

Yes!

You won't regret it, Chelsea. Promise.

Oh, bar is so low, Jenn.

I know! So low!

It's basically in the Earth's core, Jenn.

Yeah, but that's where the diamonds are made, baby!

So, for our annual Save the Whales fundraiser this year,

we're doing something a little outside the box.

We are gonna make a photo calendar

that is going to showcase twelve of our employees.

I'm calling it

'Hard Hat Hotties.'

This is what I came back for? - Okay.

I like the alliteration.

Why only twelve employees?

Because there's twelve months in a calendar year, genius.

Ohhhh.

How is this fundraising?

Whales don't care how we raise funds, Janet.

They just wanna swim.

That's what fish do.

What happened to the golf tournament?

I bought a new glove and a pair of spikes.

We're switching things up this year, Todd.

But the golf tournament is the only day of the year

we can be day drunk and get paid for it.

Yeah! - Here here!

So we're gonna unveil the cover this weekend

at that janky gross bar you people love so much.

Chelsea, can we get that inflatable orca

set up right out front the venue?

It's an inflatable whale shark

but who cares about accuracy, right?

Nerd.

I've done a bit of catalogue work before.

What kinda looks you going for?

Yeah right.

What's your problem?

Editorial, mostly.

Um, tradespeople just doing their job, you know, but spicy.

Yeah, 'cause nothing sells calendars

like Roach's sweaty ass crack, right Jenny?

Ew!

Good to have you back, Homer.

Are our clothes like on or off?

On!

This is a work event.

You must wear proper safety gear.

Thank you.

I mean, whales don't wear clothes

so I'm thinking like clothing optional?

What kind of backdoor argument is that?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Everyone's clothes stay on!

Let's just say that I agree to model for this.

What's to stop someone from using my picture

to do nasty stuff?

No one is jerking off to you, Janet.

Let's make that very clear right here right now.

This is about something bigger than ourselves, right?

Orcas. - Whale sharks!

I don't care.

Okay. If anyone actually wants to participate,

sign the sheet.

If not, no biggie.

Now back to work.

And remember, this is voluntary.

Strongly encouraged. - Voluntary.

See you there.

Free will.

Free your willy.

No means no!

Not really. You're my employee.

I'm ready.

Well, people are constantly staring at my fart blaster

all day anyways,

someone oughta make some money out of it.

Ooh, yeah!

For the whales!

What do you think, Audrey?

You gonna sign up?

You have such a interesting look.

Like a, like a gal who cleans her own wounds with vodka.

Well, I think I'm here to be a carpenter,

not a calendar model.

Well, it's for charity.

Well, if we were doing a raffle or a blood drive

like every other refinery?

I'd show up for that.

Like a blood drive for whales?

What?

No, for people.

I didn't think that whale-to-human transfusions

were even possible.

Like, what are you picturing a whale

hooked up to, like, a giant IV?

I mean, so much blood.

Audrey, if you're looking to get out of this,

and I fully support that,

we need someone who can blow up the inflatable whale.

Done. - Oh, thanks.

She'd rather blow Shamu than get her picture taken.

Mmmhmm.

You like that? You can help her.

Fuck.

You will not pressure, coerce or guilt anyone to participate.

Fine.

Totally. Done.

Whales will die, Todd!

Look, you're the GF.

If you don't do it, nobody will!

Nope.

I've worked here long enough to know how these things go.

I'm not dropping my pants.

Nobody needs to see that.

What, you're worried about that whole thing there?

Because we can crop it.

Or, you know, we can frame you elbows up.

AI does amazing things now.

What do you want?

What? - To do it.

'Cause I'm not above bribery.

I'm not above being bribed.

Double-time. OT meal.

Fine. Pizza?

Chicken Parmesan. - Chicken Parmesan? Oh!

Who the fuck do we think we are, Mariah Carey?

And dessert.

Lava cake.

You greedy little bitch.

Fine!

Just get them to sign up.

You got it, boss.

Listen up!

Can everybody shut up for a minute?

Who wants Friday afternoon off,

double-time pay,

Chicken Parmesan OT meal to do this dumbass calendar?

Yeah, fucking right.

Chicken Parmesan for everyone?

Jesus.

Come on, if I'm doing this, you guys fucking are.

Chicken Parm, people!

Throw in some garlic balls.

So this isn't the Olive Garden, Steph.

Fine. Garlic balls. Jeez.

Yo, what's up? - Cheese and garlic balls.

Oh, that was my nickname in high school

'cause of how it smelt.

Wow. - My balls.

We have that full facial coupon and the free arm wax.

We're in. - We'll do it.

Anyone else? - Nice.

All right, you want an ass that can move product?

Taser's your man. I see myself as Mr. April.

Okay, I'm out.

That's what I'm talking about!

Maybe even a Mr. May.

I'll do it! - Sign me up twice, man.

Hey, this is good.

This is good.

Oh, ah, ah. Screw it. Screw it.

Hey. - Oh yes!

What are you guys doing?

Hey. - That's quite the noises.

Uhhhh...

Apparently, I gotta do this calendar crap.

Be a leader, set an example,

blah, blah, blah.

Right. Right.

You want tips on training or something?

From you? What a joke.

Look at this. It's fucking steel.

Well, maybe.

Really?

Oh shit. Well, I don't know.

You've probably talked to Marcus about it

but first thing's first,

is you gotta lose the foreman fifteen.

And then you gotta want it, brother,

and you gotta want it bad.

You gotta want it more than bread.

Nope.

You gotta want it more than beer.

Nope.

You gotta want it more than joy itself.

This is gonna fucking suck.

Yep. - It will fucking suck.

It's gonna suck worse than the biggest, greasiest,

dirtiest dick you've ever seen in your life.

And you're gonna suck it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Oh yeah? - Yes.

And you're gonna enjoy it.

I'll do what it takes.

The training begins now.

Let's go. - Aw.

When he pukes, you clean it.

Run up them fucking stairs

like you'll never run again!

You're not a fucking electrician!

You're a fucking pipe fitter running up!

6:00 AM wasn't part of the deal, man.

Neither was greatness. Now get moving!

Go slow or you'll blow your colon right outta your anus!

I think I just did.

Good! Shit yourself!

Dang it! You lift.

You dig like you're digging in the couch

for your last two bucks.

There ain't no quitting you, Todd Stool.

What the fuck are you doing?

Get whippin'!

♪ It was the suit that got me the gig

♪ It was the tears that got me the girl ♪

Sucker.

Discipline and focus at all times.

Do not eat that!

Be one with hunger.

Punch the fuck out of him!

Punch his fat old fucking guts out!

♪ Soul like a thimble

♪ Swallowed up in symbols

♪ Wanting what I don't need

♪ If sympathy's the answer ♪

What the fuck?

You're cheating, you fuck.

What the fuck?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Train!

Igne, igne, igneous.

Roach, what are you talking about?

Rocks, man, rocks.

That's it. - Hello talent.

What the hell is this?

I hired him.

He's our photographer.

You hired Dewey?

Uh-huh. - What are his qualifications?

Well, number one, he owns a camera.

And yep, that is 90% of the job.

Honestly, I can't even think of what the other 10% would be,

so I guess that might be the whole job.

Yeah, this is gonna be a train wreck.

What are you thinking?

I'm gonna scout the plant,

look for some shadows that hit the cement

in a way that, uh, you know, speaks to me.

Ooh. - Yeah.

Oh, we are gonna make some magic.

Yes.

He's an artiste. Muah!

More like fartiste.

She said she'd be here.

Um, she did throw a piece of bologna at me at the same time

so it could be...

All right.

Good garlic balls, Jenn.

Okay. You know what?

How are you with props?

I'm a fucking pro, Dewey.

Because I have a friend for you.

And you know what?

I think he's hungry, Steph.

I think he's a hungry little fella.

Why don't we, why don't we give him a little nibble, huh?

There we go.

Yeah, he's got an appetite.

Oh he likes it.

Yes. - Nice.

Oh yes. Very nice, Steph, yeah.

Oh he's a hungry little boy.

He appreciates it, Steph.

Okay, this is fucking stupid.

I'm done.

Chicken parm.

Mmm.

You didn't want to eat that after the shoot, Roach?

No, I'm good, man.

Okay, I can do this.

I can do this, yeah.

It's okay. - Okay.

Okay, I need you to focus though, Roach.

I need you to focus, okay?

Not on the parm! On me!

Okay, this is how they do in the magazines, probably.

I think. I read it once.

I gotta show off my new nails.

So these are new.

Oh. - Catch those.

Mine are cute, too. - Okay.

They're something. - I'm zooming in.

I'm zooming in, ladies. That's it.

Okay. - Get Momma. Big Momma.

Big Momma.

Oh my god! Yeah. I want ya to,

I want you to open that Big Momma booty.

Come on. - Surprise!

Big Momma booty! Big Momma booty!

Big Momma booty!

That's it. That's the shot.

Yes. Oh, Darth welder in the house.

Oh, I'm feeling some sparks down south of this weld band.

Are you sure that you have never done this before because...

I got more gas in the tank.

I wanna give you guys some options.

We like options. - Oh, I like options.

Okay, what if I, uh,

wear my welding helmet on my junk like this,

to imply danger?

Ooh, someone's got some skin in the game.

Ooh, if we're gonna go that route, Tase,

I think we need to pop a button.

Ooh. - Ooh.

Okay, I'm just gonna just do a little...

just a little zhuzhing.

Tase with the blaze. - There we go.

Oh but Tase,

I think we're gotta have to see the hair flowing.

Show me that mane.

Oh yeah! You're a warrior.

Time to do art.

Let's do it.

Yep, here we go.

Grinders!

Oh!

Turn up the heat! - More!

Beautiful, Tase. Beautiful.

Game on.

Okay.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay. Nice.

Now if you could just pop that belt open,

give us a little summer tease.

What? You mean my pants? Why?

Crack it open a little bit, you know?

You're Mr. July, it's supposed to be hot outside, right?

Give us a little humidex, you know?

I didn't know this was gonna be those kind of pictures.

Hey!

Oh fuck! Here comes the pants patrol.

You cannot under any circumstance

pressure an employee to take off his clothes.

Look, you trusted me to run this fundraiser,

so just let me.

We are not making anyone uncomfortable.

Right, Marcus?

You're fine, right?

Tell Chelsea that you're fine.

He's not gonna tell you the truth.

You're the boss.

You don't get the power dynamic at play here?

Marcus, has Ms. Conch or Dewey

done anything at this company event

to make you feel uncomfortable?

Well, my knees hurt

and I don't love that my aunt's definitely gonna see this

but it's been... fine?

See, you can't fake that kind of praise.

Up to you, Marcus.

Yeah.

Up to you, Marcus.

Is a bit chilly.

I'm gonna head in for a snack.

Is that okay?

Come on down.

You know, Taser didn't mind the breeze.

He said it makes his nipples pop.

That's a professional.

Watch it, Dewey.

I can't fire her but I can fire you.

I'd just rehire you.

I heard that! - Finally!

A safe space again!

You know, just walk and judge. That's helpful.

Beep. Beep. Beep,

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Perfect.

Take it off.

Are we waiting for anybody else or-

Nope. Just you and me.

Team Blowhole. - Yeah.

Yeah, we've been entrusted with the great honour

of blowing this bad boy up.

Yeah. In here?

You wanna haul this outside and blow it?

No Audrey, I don't wanna fucking do this anywhere.

It's stupid. It's a lame-ass, giant-ass pool toy.

I've got so much other shit I'd rather and can be doing.

Oh yeah? Like what?

Doom scrolling?

Ghosting people?

Calling your mom?

I love my mom.

This is what's wrong with your generation.

Loving my mom? - Yeah.

Yeah, no, 'cause you think you're above this task.

Fuck. Who isn't?

Get blowin'.

Clock hits four, I hit the door.

You're just gonna stand there?

Blow it or suck it. Whatever your preference.

Yeah, get your hair dryer.

I miss Jimi already.

Appreciate you, bro. I feel good.

Good. I mean, you still look like a piece of shit

but you did everything you could.

What?

Pssst!

You boys ever heard of smizing?

No one has heard of smizing, Homer.

What the fuck is it?

Do I got to apprentice for it?

Smizing?

It's when you smile with your eyes

but not your mouth.

Smile with your whole face,

that's amateur clown shit.

Behold.

There's no fucking,

what is this fucking shit?

Are you fucking with us Homer, or...?

No.

I did some modelling as a child.

Bullshit.

I was the face of a major soda pop brand.

You guys remember the, uh, "Chuggg It!" kid?

Shut up! - No fucking way!

That's you? No way! - No way.

Show us! Oh my god! Do it right now!

I'm not doing do that. - Do it! Do it, Homer.

I did years of therapy to get over that, okay?

Do it. - I can't do it.

Do it or you're fired again.

Ch-ch-ch-chuggg it!

That is awesome!

That was you! - Holy shit!

I did billboards, bus stops,

even did a short run of urinal cakes

but parents didn't think it was appropriate to be

pissing on a child's face.

Teach me, Homer. - Teach him.

It was a different life!

Different times.

Fucking don't turn your back on us now, Homer.

I gave it all up for the glitz and glamour of welding, boys.

Chuggg it kid.

All right. I'll help.

Listen up! - Yes!

You gotta seduce the camera.

How?

Always be moving.

Get the legs in. - Loosen them.

Yes, Todd. Come on! Get moving!

Get moving, eh? - Yes. Yes.

You wanna give the camera different facial expressions.

Okay? - Okay.

Start with a smile.

With your teeth.

Smile, Todd! Show off those pearly whites!

Come on! Yes! You're happy!

But then, wait a minute.

Who died? - Everyone.

Oh. Sad face.

Everyone died, Todd.

You look high. - But wait.

What do you see out there?

Is that your best friend fucking your sis...

Cousin?

No, no, it's your, yeah, your-your cousin Greg!

Your best friend, look at him

fucking your cousin G-Greg!

You're mad at him, Todd!

Not me. Greg. - But wait.

What's that in the distance? - Huh?

Over here, Todd. - Huh?

What is it? - No. Like towards me!

Right there! There it is! - There.

It's a 12-point elk. - Ooh.

You reach back...

Clobber it.

No, you're not gonna clobber it.

No, you gotta... - Quiver?

You've got a quiver of arrows.

You're a sexy-ass hunter. - Good work.

So you're gonna draw the arrow,

and then load the bow.

And then, fire it.

Oh! What just fell?

The elk? - Nah, you dropped a peach.

Get down. Grab the peach, Todd!

Lift your ass up.

Ass up. - And flex the back.

And jiggle the ass.

This is fucking dumb. - Jiggle the ass.

And look at me, Todd. I want eye contact.

Flex it! Downward dog! - Ass up!

I can't do this!

I should never have agreed to this shit!

What? - Just calm down.

Listen, the man is hangry.

He hasn't eaten anything in goddam three days.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! - Hey!

Are you fucking high?

You can't eat before a shoot!

You're gonna bloat like a blowfish!

It's showtime, dew-dog. - For Christ sakes.

My lights are hot.

Are you boys ready? - No!

You're ready. - That was perfect.

Greatest first lesson I've ever had.

You are ready. - Get out there!

Get out there!

You will never be more ready!

How much money did you make doing those commercials?

None. My mom owns an island in Belize.

Yeah, uh, this is gonna take fucking forever.

Yes, it is,

which is why we have mandatory breaks.

What the hell happened to all that,

"Oh, this is what's wrong with your generation," bullshit?

I'm only like two years younger than you, right?

Really?

I thought you just had your 13th birthday last month.

Seniority means I nap first.

Goodnight.

Fucking shit!

Oh yeah.

You're in a safe space, Toddler.

Your lighting's garbage!

Everyone's gonna look like they got fucking jaundice!

Are you telling me how to do my job?

No, Dewey.

I'm telling you how to not ruin a good photo.

Hey, chop-chop, boys! Time is money!

I have just the inspiration for this.

Bend the joints. Bend the joints, Todd.

There you go. - Bendy.

Yeah, all right. - Bend 'er down.

Over the shoulder, Todd.

No, no. Towards the camera!

Smile, boy.

Yeah. There you go.

Chin up. Use the straps. - Bad boy!

Slap the, you like that pain!

Now look, on the ground in front of you,

there's that same old peach.

You remember that peach, Todd.

Grab that peach. Grab the peach.

Chow down on that peach! - Grab the peach.

Yeah. Take a bite!

But wait. Oh gross.

There you go.

What's that white substance?

Oh no.

A deer was using it as a cum rag.

Ew! - Throw that peach away.

Throw it away! - Gross!

Wait. There's something wrong.

Your body, it's shaking.

That was cursed cum!

Ugh.

All of a sudden your hands are hooves.

Glorious hooves.

You're a majestic steed.

I wanna hear you neigh, Todd.

Neigh!

Louder!

Whoa. Whoa!

The wind is blowing in your hair!

And then you see it ahead of you,

there's the elk.

You remember the elk, Todd? - Oh yeah!

You missed it last time, didn't ya?

Now reach back, flex,

pull out the arrow. - Good.

And load the bow.

Yeah! Chin up!

Fuck!

Ah! Hey!

Fuck!

What the fuck?

Cricket, are you there?

Hold on, buddy! We'e good.

And... - Fire it.

Release!

There! You got it!

Todd! Todd, man!

Oh, there's my December!

What the fuck? - Cricket!

Oh. Good work, Tanner.

Woo! Ha-ha!

Okay guys, it is time to reveal our calendar.

Some people said that my idea was unprofessional

and that it, uh, blurred ethical lines.

Chelsea. - I'm not wrong.

'Cause it wasn't, it did.

To me, this has always just been about hope,

you know, for us and for our animal friends,

from the mammals to the whales. So-

Genius over here.

Let's raise a glass,

open our wallets

and remember that for every calendar that you buy,

an orca is so thankful,

and probably releases one of those cloudy white squirts.

It's whale cum?

I mean, we're not gonna see it because it happens underwater

but it's, uh, it's happening. - A load?

Okay, stop.

Sorry. - Okay.

All right, let's go.

Nice. - Oh!

Oh, nice work! - Oh!

Oh, Stephy! You look so hot!

Garlic balls. Remember?

I don't remember posing with a dire wolf.

Okay, moving on to February.

Titty city!

Hey, that's us! - We look hot!

I'd date me. - We are such snacks.

Remember Big Momma?

It's payday, Team Conch.

Let's open up Big Momma.

I'm gonna catfish somebody with that bad boy.

Looking good, Barb.

Oh Janet!

Nice duckface, Janet.

Nice fuckface, Homer.

You are my Victorian duckling, Janet.

That's weird.

Moving on. - Nice one, Janet.

Ooh, Marcus!

That ain't Photoshop!

That's right it ain't!

I got you, brother. Thank you. Appreciate it.

And...

Hey, that looks like me, man.

That is you, Roach.

That is you!

I had to paint out all the tomato sauce on your face.

Kinda looks like my uncle too.

No Malone.

Oh. Yeah!

Looks like cousin Greg.

Hold the fucking.

Dewey, I was supposed to be a werewolf.

I need way more fucking hair than that.

No, this is the amount of hair we agreed on.

Not at all.

I got more hair on my right ball.

And moving on.

It's Mr. June!

Come on! What the hell is that?

What the fuck?

Stooly's got a horse body and a giant horse cock?

Centaur. Get it right.

And I gave Todd actual abs.

I don't need to see that.

My work speaks for itself.

It's fucking weird, Dewey.

Little early again, Janet!

Oh. - All right.

So our cover model for the first annual Conch calendar is...

Janet?

What?!

Okay!

No! - Yes! Yes!

No, Janet.

Now is the time to do the drumroll.

Oh.

Right.

Whoa! That's me!

Oh, yes!

This is total bullshit!

Fuck this!

We skipped wing night for this?

I gotta get another fucking drink.

You can go get it! Go get it!

Fernie, beer me, now.

Oh my god, Stool.

I'd say your abs went on vacation.

Didn't leave a note.

Fuck off, Fern.

When was the last time you did a sit-up?

Accepting you're past your prime is half the battle.

Yeah? You sure you've accepted it?

Yeah. Yeah, I fucking accepted it.

And you can accept this.

Happy to sign it for you too. - I'm good.

"Dear Dickhead, go fuck you."

Guess I can use it to wipe my ass.

Hey. - Hey.

I think you look great by the way.

Thanks.

I thought you look good too.

What did you think of the horse cock?

Oh yeah, not a fan but my friend might be.

Get over here you. - Really?

Yeah. - Hi.

Hello to you.

She knows you're a dipshit but she's into that.

Thanks for that. - Yeah. No sweat.

I guess I kinda am.

What up, horse cock?

What's up, werewolf man.

Hey, show me this calendar.

I don't have enough hair,

but I actually think I look pretty good.

Me too. It's smooth and sexy.

You look great. - Oh.

Real funny.

Two Slagg, please.

Thank you.

There we go. Wow.

You're gonna have to tell Todd eventually

that you're hooking up with the werewolf.

I mean, do I?

It's just sex.

We've only sold 15 of these.

And Fernie, the bartender, bought three of them.

Yeah, I know, but you're not factoring in word of mouth,

uh, friends and family, bribes.

No one's gonna buy this thing, Jenn.

Fine.

What are you doing?

How many orcas does twenty grand save?

Okay, you can't just make this out to whales.

Why not?

Plus, you spelled it wrong.

That's the country.

Fun night, ladies.

Anyone gonna eat this?

It's gonna spoil if not. I'm taking it.

That would be a shame. - It's all you, Barb.

But you have to pay for the calendar.

It's our fee!

See? They had a great night.

All right, Chelsea.

Let's not forget that Conch is my company, okay?

Get your own shell.

Wails again.

You should've seen that-

Working hard, boys? - There he is.

Last week was a write-off.

We gotta double time it. - Oh, check it out.

It's cock o'clock.

Check out Roach with the penis pipe.

Hello little forest animals.

Would you like to smoke some cock?

Backwoods with the hammer cocks.

You're getting rained on by a couple whale cocks.

Anyone know who drew these?

Janet.

I think she's only ever seen one dick.

What a waste of time this was.

What are you talking about?

Dewey gave you a stellar AI horse cock

and Janet gave you another.

Yeah. Double dicker! - Dos coculos.

Multi-cock.

One for pleasure, one for pissing.

All right, back to work, you fucks.

Cockasaurus Rex.

Need this.

Thank you.

♪ Turnin' these wrenches

♪ Bustin' my knuckles

♪ Bangin 'em into steel

♪ Workin' overtime, tryin' to save a dime

♪ But the tax man's on my heels

♪ I can't get ahead, but I don't fall behind ♪

What the fuck, Dewey?

This is me. It's me!

You do not have a flute that big!

The artiste can be the subject too, you know?

You think you're the GOAT?

There's a dormant beast within me for years.

A beautiful, beautiful goat boy.

It should've stayed dormant!

Really, this is almost your last chance to get one of these.

Uh, well what about this?

What about this? I have these amazing calendars.

As you can see, it's me and I have a huge penis,

which is very much like the real thing.

Just saying, okay?

So, you interested?

♪ It's called life, you get up and grind

♪ A dollar ain't worth it

♪ Drive too fast

♪ And work, work, work to do it all again

♪ It's called life, it's gone in a minute

♪ Don't close your eyes

♪ Helluva ride ♪