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Dear beloved,

we are having the most wonderful time.

The trenches are decorated

with flowers and pleasantries.

I hope you get well soon.

With love

from the great wall.

Uh.

have

Daddy

Daddy,

daddy.

You'd better have a good reason for all this rumpus,

Mister Branches.

Daddy,

look what happened to my end bits,

Daddy.

Oh,

someone's got it poorly.

We'll have to get some bubble trumps and vinegar on there

before it falls off.

I'm cold out here,

Daddy.

I'm cold.

Well,

you'd better get a move on and start growing out of those branches

if you want to come inside.

That's not fair,

daddy.

Oh

Oh.

I,

I feel my

day of reckoning

may be approaching.

I suppose I'd better alert the correspondence.

Bring

Help

Briskly.

Mother always said

the scarlet fever would be my final departure.

Yeah.

Mhm.

OK.

Ah.

I've

yearned for this day.

I,

I never thought she would arrive.

Bottles,

nappies,

smiles and way

to my heart you've found the key.

Baby

It um

it's bomb today.

The angels say she's here to stay.

Ah,

you've got your mother's eyes,

and she was a fair maiden too,

make no mistake.

I shan't be able to attend

the war today as I am still feeling a little

under the weather.

Heavens to Betsy,

what now?

You're supposed to be doing your exercise,

Yvonne.

A lethargic child is a servant to the beast.

Heads,

shoulders,

knees and toes knees and toes

heads

shoulders.

I'm going to be jolly cross with you in a minute.

I think we've been given a dough one,

Margery.

My condition is worsening,

Yvonne.

I'm afraid caring for you

might be out of my current grasp.

Ah,

that's a shame.

You were doing a first rate job.

I'll make some appointments.

meddlesome child.

Good old Auntie Bainbridge has agreed to take care of you whilst Daddy is enfeebled.

She'll,

she'll make a fanciful young gentle woman of you,

and she'll have you in farming.

Did you remember to pack your trestle table?

Well it's too late to go back now.

Auntie Bainbridge.

Now there's a rosy rascal.

Give us a hug,

you old dame.

I remember you'd sing me a shilling's worth

and then smack my bottom raw for being a fussy fidget pot.

All in faded days.

Well,

um,

I'm just

here

to.

Um,

oh.

To

Clean your windows.

That's right,

I think,

yes,

I think I must be.

Them's a bit mucky,

missus

should be one for Saturday lads really.

Don't qualm mind.

I'll chuck you this in for note.

Billy Masters has been quite a naughty boy,

don't you understand this?

I said,

don't you understand this?

Yeah

Yeah

Pick them up.

Now put me away,

you stupid girl.

Someone will see.

Oh yeah,

what's this,

what's this,

what's this?

Where you're going,

hey?

My skins were my only source of comfort.

I'd taken an extra special care to keep them in the best condition.

Now it seemed everybody wanted a piece.

Oh yeah,

are you,

hey?

You think you get a slice of my treasure,

do you?

Oh well,

no,

not this week,

not this bitter Sunday,

Mrs.

Chesterfield.

Hey,

that's my good ear,

you can't have that one.

Oh,

why couldn't you take the gluey one?

Hm.

The scent took me right back.

I was hidden behind one of the faces.

No one suspected a thing

back then.

I could get away with anything.

So.

Oh carino

oh no sakabara in my prose.

Laura.

Yeah.

The painting was titled

Three Men Without Skin.

Hey guys,

what'll it be?

I'll take a pickled chin.

Yeah,

me too,

and a silver sausage.

Yeah,

yeah.

Give me a silver sausage too,

and a rack,

that correct?

rack rack,

needle rack.

Get the needle rack and I'll take the same plus

another 3 with a pickled chin but no silver sausage.

No silver.

You pushing out on me here.

Talk it up.

Silver.

On my radar today.

We'll get it on your fucking radar.

I'll take a back rack,

but don't ji up the bull foam.

Are you strung out?

You girls are like Moses already.

Give me extra fucking trilby shots all over mine so these

pussies can see how a real man fucking does it.

All right,

fucking rested.

I don't need another dovetail in my trunk.

fuck it.

Give me a silver sausage but no chin and change my rack to the crack rack.

You pricks just washed my jaw.

That's talking.

Let's make a night of it.

Louie,

get to work.

Don't thing,

I

I'm not fooling anybody anymore.

Does this

firearm hold the sufficient force

to blow the brain right out of my stinking rotten skull?

Hm,

I mean,

if you wanna get it clean out,

then maybe something like this would be more up your street.

I then sell me that one.

You'll need a bit more than that.

Give me a discount.

Do you uh plan on getting it done this week?

What is it to you?

Well,

I mean,

if you're only gonna use it once.

For a discount,

I could loan you the gun

and then retrieve it once the job is done,

but you'll have to tell me where.

I may take a walk up to the hill one evening this week.

I'm sure you'll hear it.

I'm sure I will.

Don't make a mess of it now.

2 shots.

I heard 2 shots then.

Maybe he was just trying it out.

Maybe.

Finish the job off,

will you?

I'm really getting tired of this.

Oh

Whoa.

OK.

Oh

Oh.

all that.

I

Um,

I just came to look,

I'm,

I'm on,

I only,

I mean,

I,

I'm on,

I'm not trying.

No.

And

No.

Ely maybe.

Yeah

All right,

I'll just eat it.

It's like,

I'm like a bid.

I'll,

I'll bid for you.

There isn't much noise outside today,

is there?

She was right.

There isn't.

That's very odd.

Organs in mains.

What does that mean?

What does organs in Mas mean?

I,

that's all I took from that dream.

There's a dog trapped inside your guitar.

I know that,

that's not a dream,

there is a dog trapped in my guitar.

Oh shit,

I'm trapped.

Um,

my stomach's been making funny sounds.

it hasn't.

Oh,

it really has.

When I sit up straight.

Yes it has.

OK,

if you say so.

I just don't think it sounds likely,

that's all.

It's worse after a bowel movement.

Please don't laugh.

Look at you,

rattling on like a bus full of aluminum pubes.

Boered bowels are merely the deception of a rotting mind.

Oh my.

A bit of your mind is missing.

You require urgent medication.

is a placebo.

Nothing will happen when you take this.

Inject yourself twice a day,

but be aware there are no active ingredients.

Just what are you and where do you fit into this world?

You may be a grain of piss dried on the floor of the Queen's toilets.

You may be the most important brick in the least important wall,

but really you're just a bit of something on a bit of something else.

It's important to remember this before expecting anything better.

How are the injections making you feel?

Um,

well,

like you said,

it's just a placebo isn't it,

so

naturally.

I don't feel any different.

Um,

but you ain't got any spare change,

have you,

doctor.

No.

God bless you.

Thank you anyways,

uh.

Lies.

We prescribed a course of medical lies to a selection of

our patients to see how they'd react to incredibly potent drugs,

false diagnoses,

and a general muddlement of truth.

You're not in any pain at all.

You just think you are.

It's all in your mind.

Try meditating and eating more hazelnuts.

Lies help cleanse dead thoughts and the memories of people we no longer care about.

What do you expect from life?

I expect a stranger to approach me on the street one day and give me loads of money,

a beautiful wife,

and reunite me with all my friends,

transporting me back to a time when I was happy and carefree.

Um,

I expect this is gonna happen any day now.

I think it's just around the corner.

If you can see this happening in the near future,

then why are you depressed?

Um,

because I'm impatient.

I want it now.

hm,

unhappiness,

dark guns,

a tendency to explain problems to doctors,

diagnosis,

mad as a swan,

oh.

This man has been reliving the same second for 100 years.

This particular issue is all in his head,

but it's in our heads too.

We all share his condition in a way.

In scientific probable reality,

he doesn't even exist.

Are you confused?

Yes,

I am.

Your brain may have gone off.

Did you store it above room temperature?

Hmm,

not sure.

Oh,

will this fix my troubled mind?

Your mind can never be fixed.

This will make things worse.

Take 6 of these thrice daily.

In 14 months,

you may feel a slight change in mood.

Well,

it sounds too good to be true.

Are there any side effects?

Your penis will grow inwards,

your eyes will fall out,

your hands will switch sides,

you'll forget how to spell your mother's name,

you'll forget your father,

and you might kill yourself.

Oh well,

I guess every medicine has its downsides.

I'll take it.

All right.

Yeah,

you.

What you've been up to much.

I've been thinking about trying to grow my own apricot

tree and a this is doing my head in.

what have I done?

You ask a question,

spinning me out,

that's all.

I'm sorry,

it's just doing my head in.

I'm afraid you've become a terminal fool for which there is no cure.

Take him away,

nurse.

No time to see a doctor,

diagnose on the spot with this easy symptom checker.

Headache,

cancer,

nosebleed,

multiple sclerosis,

aching jaw,

that's a stroke,

sore toe,

stupidity,

pursed lips.

Stop pursing your lips.

You have chronic kidney disease,

sheepy laugh,

dying,

wolfy laugh.

Pancreatic cancer,

spidery laugh.

You are a spider.

No,

I'm not.

Everything else is just in your mind.

Stop thinking about thinking about feeling unwell.

Now ignore what I just said and turn your brain off.

What?

Who's talking?

You just imagined it.

Remember,

illness is a human creation.

These swans don't get ill,

they just live and then die.

In swan heaven they'll be told exactly what they did wrong and then be

given eternity to invent time travel in order to return and fix their errors.

Most of them will go insane in the process,

eating cereal,

brushing their teeth,

and then getting stuck into a hard day's work.

That is the circle of life.

Mm.

Mm.

The tree has friendly growth,

yet you

do not.

You are

terribly sad.

Yeah.

Mm.

You'd have a true friend

if you had your own tumor.

You may not

live

much longer.

However,

I am willing

to offer you

my body.

Well,

very

much.

Could I just take a few details,

please?

Right,

I understand.

And let me be the first to say.

That I am deeply sorry from the bottom

of my

and

and furthermore,

I'd like to offer you a selection of compliments,

the first

being that you have really beautiful eyes.

Or

if you are a man,

then

your penis is of an adequate

size,

but not too wide,

that it might cause discomfort

to your chosen partner.

And

right,

OK,

that didn't,

right,

that's,

you're not having that,

no.

Um,

there's a technical issue,

and

I'm afraid it's all your fault.

You've wasted your life.

You once had ambition.

But that mind-numbing dead-end job.

Gradually just crumbled it all away.

You're running out of time.

What's the solution?

Buy some more.

That's right folks,

we're selling time.

By the hour,

by the week,

by the year,

however much you want,

we'll give you a great deal.

Just imagine it,

an extra 2 weeks to get that assignment finished,

an extra 2 months to get in shape,

an extra 2 years to spend with your family before you die.

By

our time.

And I know what you're thinking,

ladies and gentlemen,

we don't sell inferior time.

This is good quality time.

Summer evenings,

eventful mornings,

classic winters,

we've got them all.

I'd like to sell some of my time,

please.

How much would you like to give us today?

I'm thinking about

10 years,

how much will I get for that?

We pay ■50 per year,

so that'll be 500 pounds.

Oh,

OK.

What do I need to do?

If you'd just like to step into the box,

I'll put it through on the computer.

Uh,

at this rate we'll have to sell some more next week.

It's either that or we lose the house.

I just need about 100 pounds until Tuesday.

Mum,

I don't want to sell any more of my time.

You'll do as I fucking tell you.

We're selling 3 hours for 25 pounds,

but the price of buying is 50 pounds.

That's 25 pounds for the time and 50 pounds for the buying of it.

But that's not all.

You'll also get the chance to pay an additional 100 pounds for us to

accept the transaction with a 90 pounds booking fee plus postage and packing.

Now for anyone new to our services,

we'll help you choose to buy our products with a 1 to 1 personalized consultation.

All.

For the pathetically low fee of 8892.

I mean,

you'd have to be pretty pointless not to take advantage of this.

I started with 5 years and I'd never felt better.

My back pains all healed up and my wife came back to life.

Well,

since then,

I've bought another couple of decades and look at me,

I'm back to my peak.

After wasting my youth,

I was melting away into a desk job with my backside widening by the week.

I bought 30 years and now I'm pure again with plenty of ambition.

Um,

excuse me,

sir,

do you have the time?

Because I want it all.

I want it all back.

Mine is running out.

I had to sell my golden years this morning when I always

said that no one would ever take them away from me.

Don't worry,

dear,

you'll be able to buy them again when you get back on track.

It's my time,

I saw it first.

Over my dead body.

Uh

Look,

you'd have to be fucking stupid not to take advantage of this.

You'll have the time of your life.

They're the number,

you will call it and we'll get you started with time.

Oh

Oh my God.

No

I.

No

I

I think so

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Do you want a cup of tea

I know things I'm trying to cool down.

I think I'm just gonna go up this wall there.

Uh,

do you like my window?

I like it,

but I like the other ones better.

Yeah.

Right,

Roddy,

these whites are incredible.

What's your secret,

Neville?

There's a fat sweaty man tied up inside my basement.

The secret lies in his pancreas.

Oh Neville you old joker.

Why did you quit the comedy circuits?

Too much traveling.

I need to make a small adjustment.

Don't worry.

You won't feel a thing in a few weeks.

Warning,

doomsday is on the horizon.

Can you feel it?

Everything you own is about to dissolve along with your bones and loved ones.

Here's what a loved one dissolving looks like.

Uh,

just wait until you smell it.

We should remind you that any remaining money you're holding

might as well be spent whilst you still exist.

A new item or gadget will certainly bring a brief smile

to your face before you die along with everyone else.

Let's all die smiling.

Your children must be secured a wandering.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it,

pal.

Doesn't this keep you up at night?

I,

sometimes,

but you know,

pays the mortgage lest they explode before doomsday hits.

So as the great day of doom is fast approaching,

are you prepared?

Dad,

don't forget to switch off the fridge and return those library books.

Remember,

all outstanding debts will be carried over to your next life.

Should you reincarnate as this elk or this beautiful Douglas fir,

we'll make sure you don't slip through the debt net.

This elk was given a debt at birth.

He may not have any way of actually paying it back,

but be sure he feels the burden.

That could be your soul in there.

Chew away at your sweet spiky thistles,

bearing in mind any potential earnings are ours for the taking.

This,

however,

It is only a possible scenario,

but not impossible.

In reality,

the elk could be a dog.

The man a slightly larger dog.

The taunts would be bits,

but the message would remain.

If this shrub could speak,

she'd surely say,

chop me down for firewood if you must.

Anything to save mankind.

Take this normal cigarette lighter,

an inanimate object,

no.

Try lestified by the argon beam,

it slowly gains awareness as it reaches 13,000 hydra logs of canon.

The cigarette lighter now realizes that it exists and

shall remain conscious for the rest of its existence.

Ah,

how are we doing today,

sir?

I'd be lying if I said my life was perfect

before my cheeks started melting,

but it was better than this.

Don't worry,

Mr.

Robertson,

you didn't say that.

You just thought it.

What actually came out of your mouth sounded more like this.

I just,

I.

And

I'm glad to hear it.

It's comforting to know that our little tube isn't causing you any major concerns.

Now I must ask,

has anyone here ever smoked a car

like one would normally smoke a cigarettes?

Aye,

I don't think that's possible.

I think you could if you crushed it up a little bit.

It'll be a wee bit harsh on the lungs though,

wouldn't it?

It would.

That is the issue.

And ladies and gentlemen,

today I intend to come up with a solution.

You silly silly people.

Are you talking to us?

Yes,

all of you.

Why are we silly?

We've been a great audience.

We've clapped and cheered.

Don't be so bloody ungrateful.

None of you are scientists,

which makes you all silly.

Hey,

that's not fair.

You take that back.

No,

I shan't take it back.

Why would a man of science turn against his audience like that?

This question sparked a thought inside my head.

If I were to press down hard on the left side of my hip bone,

would I shrink in size?

Of course it worked,

of course it did.

The funny thing is I've had this ability my whole life,

but I've only just thought to use it.

Red Wrangler,

my favorite toy racer.

I thought this day would never arrive.

I'm small enough to take a ride.

My childhood dreams have all erupted,

that this is everything I could have ever hoped for and more.

I want to go in the glove compartment.

Oh,

shuffles,

that was a tad too far.

there's no going back now.

I went down further and further until I

came across a forest of floating spongy balls.

I felt as if I was standing on my own planet at one point.

Maybe a new home awaited me inside one of these spongy balls.

Yep,

I'm going in.

As I drifted further down.

It became increasingly hard to control my body.

I'd close my eyes to see a glowing yellow ring.

Slowly approaching.

If I kept focus,

I could drift all the way through the middle,

without losing concentration.

This was a great achievement.

In my mind,

I built an imaginary trophy cabinet

and awarded myself a small keepsake for each success.

Well done,

I thought.

Well done indeed.

Oh

Oh

What what.

I

All

Hello

Why don't you follow me this way?

That,

and if you could just lie back and we'll make

things work,

shall we?

I expect you feel much better after.

It was a trap me between the walls.

Help,

help me.

Oh,

Mister Toast boy,

it was I all along.

I didn't mean to confuzzle one's ears.

I was merely practical joking.

Oh,

the mirth,

aha,

a hole ha.

I've been watching you little toast slave

in the shower,

yes,

becoming quite the young gentlemen,

aren't we,

if you know what I mean.

Oh yes,

oh dear.

Quickly,

children,

make the toast.

We mustn't make the master angry.

Lord Kirsty,

I demand

more toasties.

Is one still hungerish?

Still a little gap for more toasty treats?

Yes.

There's that and that little tickering tomb of yours?

I'm still a bit peckish,

you know.

And young Lord toasted,

take that young boy's shoe

and add it to the broth.

Oh.

The footwear of a child,

a delicates passes.

It is such a good thing.

Your grandma wanted to give you a big

kiss.

You sloppy.

Don't listen to her.

She's awake.

I think

you should kill her.

Oh

Swiss hero and I'm gonna nipple.

Be a good little Jesper and can you grandmay old special little bay leaves.

I stay.

Oh.

Well,

hello there,

little toaster child.

I understand you've been experiencing some hallucinations,

sir,

some rather nasty beetles,

yes,

that'll be your brain pockets,

sir,

playing tricks on one,

but we can fix that.

Oh we can fix that,

yes.

We have a brain fixing machine,

sir.

Would you like that,

sir?

Yeah.

Great,

great,

sir,

yes,

just remember,

sir,

we're the good Beatles.

We want to help you,

sir.

Take a business card,

sir.

Why not take two?

There's an offer on.

Oh,

we're such jokers,

jokers in trousers.

we're not wearing shorts.

It's not really the weather for it.

You.

like

I feel sick.

Make it stop.

I need to catch my breath.

I'm gonna die.

Please make it stop.

Want to forget that horrible illness and move on.

Yes.

Take this pill and forget you were ill.

You may also forget that you took the pill and have to buy another.

What starts as a vicious cycle rapidly becomes a whirlwind.

Have you been experiencing vicious whirlwinds?

Leave a note for yourself next time.

You're a bloody crook,

Would you like another pear?

These ones are pink.

Ah.

Pain hurts,

doesn't it?

Ask Payne why he chose you.

Why did you choose me,

Payne?

Don't blame Payne.

He's an honest chap.

He's everywhere and nowhere.

The pain he gave you is wonderful,

and you thank him for it.

Thanks,

I was such a ruddy fool to ignore the rules of pain,

and thankful he set me an example with this hip lip.

Give him a quick whisper at night and he'll see you through soft and sound.

So special to me.

I'll never forget you pain.

And who knows?

He might just have a word with gravity when they open up the box.

He ain't gonna fall this time,

you hear me?

He ain't tripping no more.

Doctor

Oh,

well,

well,

if I,

what is it?

I mean,

um,

gravity

is here to see you.

I mean,

should I,

should I tell him to wait?

Send him in.

Isn't she useless?

On sharp as a blade,

now reduced to a limp drip of old chicken piss.

I'm just a big pile of rubble.

I'm,

I'm useless.

Why do I?

It seems our nurse contracted melodram patheticism from a nervous dog,

silly old cow.

I say,

Nurse Wolfton,

would you go up to the rooftop and taste the air for me please?

Very important.

Isn't the roof a bit dangerous?

Nurse,

I need it doing now.

I,

I don't so much like the heights updates.

What,

what if I touch a cloud?

Go.

Does this look familiar?

Are you all weak and pathetic?

Do you fear woodlice or splashes from the toilet?

Maybe you two have a belt of the old melodram patheticism.

I'm just no good at anything.

I'm so bloody rubbish.

Look out,

watch where you're going.

There's a trip hazard there.

I don't suppose it would matter if I were to trip over and die.

These pills have yet to be tested.

Would you like one?

Yes.

Fall,

you should have prepared yourself for death.

She's a bitter mule,

unforgiving and cold.

She won't have a bedtime story prepared,

so bring your own.

Let's rewind back to life.

I'll probably just die any minute.

what happens when I die?

First we take our plasters back,

then we slap you for wasting our time.

Only living people are of use to us.

Then finally,

with your.

Mission we'll donate your still warm body to a rapist.

I know it sounds vile,

but if we can convince one rapist to come

in off the streets and spare potential living victims,

then we are healing the community together.

You do want to heal the community,

don't you?

Um,

I,

I think so.

This lady died onshore.

She's harming the community.

Oh,

I'm scared.

Well,

I might faint.

But what if I?

Take these pills.

How do they taste?

No flavor.

What is happening now?

I feel the same.

Success.

These are designed to make you feel the same.

00 wait,

I,

I feel different now.

Take some more.

Still feel different.

success.

That's right.

This lesson has been a spectacular success.

Now keep your head down,

be faithful to pain and knuckle on through.

It'll be over before you know it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

What d this I.

I'm scared

He's my daddy in there.

I look tall,

but I can't define him.

Looks a

Lordy.

The young one appears to be confuzzled.

A bad choice,

I'll say.

Let's call him Howard to his face.

No,

best not,

eh,

best not.

I'll say it.

I'll do it.

Yeah,

I'll say it.

I'll say it to his face.

Shall I say it?

Go on then.

I will,

I will.

Shall I,

shall I say it?

I will.

I,

I'll say it,

shall I say it?

No,

no,

you best not actually,

no,

don't.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.

I've got a flannel to wash my face.

When it gets mucky,

I feel disgraced.

Do you like Horlicks,

do you like chips?

I've got 100 pairs of lips.

Hello,

what's your name?

I've seen you on the posters on the walls.

I can see what you look like on the posters.

And.

I'm so

to stop that I like so.

I keep making it because he just tells it.

I think it's your turn to go now.

He's always banging things.

go,

go on.

You forgot your hammers.

But it's all right.

They don't come from trees,

don't they?

As it's

Hubert's birthday,

it would be rather polite

if you took a hot bath.

Milford cubicle.

You're a bit pooey.

Hubert Cumberdale.

Oh,

them trousers a bit posh sunshine.

And how old are you going to be?

They do grow up fast.

Who on earth could that be?

it's far too early for guests.

Who the devil are you.

Let's see what the fingers make of all this.

Oh,

you appear to be free

of all information.

I would advise you,

young Binnikins,

not to associate yourself with such an ignorant

textulous pole.

Are you Hubert's birthday stick?

No answer.

As I expected.

Come on,

Slutchworth,

I won't ask you again.

Well,

some one's a saggy slumbered chaps.

Hold on,

this might get your gears in motion.

Oh dear.

Not a smirk.

Ah,

what a day you've chosen to fall under.

Horace,

you're in charge until I get back.

Don't you crumple your face up at me,

Hubert Jason Cumberdale.

We've a duty to fetch the doctor

since our wandering guest has fallen ill.

Now sit tidy

and wait for the GP.

There he is.

Trusty old Doctor Papanac.

That's lovely.

just here for the old wants over duck.

Um,

I,

I suppose you'll be checking me

for nimper and camel spots.

Oh.

Oh.

I,

I know it hurts.

Just try and sit still.

As the doctor eats your blood.

Well,

switch my knickers.

We're awfully late.

I must have slept for six Mondays.

Christ in staples,

Horace,

I said you could bring one friend.

Mister cubicle,

what's become of your outer casing?

You,

you're but a hollow structure.

You foul creatures.

When I find which one of you wretched beasts consumed Mister cubicle's flesh,

oh,

there'll be heavens to pay.

Go on,

bugger off the bloody lot of you.

Get out of my house.

Yeah

You again

I bet you're the ringleader here,

aren't you?

You should feel a great shame for this outcome,

sir.

A great shame.

I

I see you've invited

the whole platoon.

It's.

Is this remaining seat

reserved

for me?

I.

It was.

We

Uh,

uh,

for me,

I,

I thought you'd all forgotten.

We

I shall wear it

from here to the grave.

What a truly special day.