Original subtitles

Lindy: New year, new us.

We can renew our vows.

-[laughs]

I love you.

-But I fell in love.

-Les promised me a fresh start.

-Now it's time to blow your minds.

We call this the future.

-I am fucking amazed!

[laughter]

Richard: I pretended to be your book agent.

Lindy: I didn't write the story.

It's my student's work.

Les: I closed the deal.

-You're gonna change the world.

You get back in the workshop

and you figure it out.

-Let's move our "renewing our vows" to next year.

That's a fantastic idea! -Motherfucker!

Richie, I'm leaving Les.

-I need you. Lindy: I have been by your side

for 15 years.

Ah! -Oh, fuck.

Oh, you're alive! [laughs]

-Oh.

[gasp]

[groans]

Les?

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

What time is it?

Oh, shit.

Oh, boy, ohh.

How much did I drink last night?

Les?

Why would you put the plaid back up?

God. It hurts my eyes... [high frequency beeps]

-...and my head.

Oh, dry January starts today.

Oh.

Oh, wow. They really cleaned up.

Les?

[doorbell dings]

-Who's at the door?

[continues dinging]

-What is this nonsense?

[dinging repeatedly]

-[gasps]

[screams]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Les: Lindy?

Everything is fine.

Don't freak out.

-[gasping]

Les: Lindy?

Okay. I'm opening up the dollhouse.

-Stop screaming at me!

[shaking]

[floor creaking] -Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

No! [objects clattering]

-Oh, my God!

My God!

Whoa, whoa!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Whoa, whoa! Oh, oh!

-There you are. -Ah!

-You're okay!

-I am not okay!

[theme music playing]

-Can you hear me? I am not okay.

-[mouthing]

-I am not okay!

-It works! I can hear you! Ha.

-You're too loud!

-[whispers] Sorry.

-Well, now I can't hear you.

-How about now?

-No, too loud.

-Now?

-Softer.

-Now?

Lindy: Better.

I hate this fuckin' thing.

Can you hear me now? -Say again?

-Can you hear me now?

-Yes! Ooh. -Oh!

-Sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry. -Jesus.

-Are you okay?

-I'm fine.

-I heard that.

God, I think we got it.

Hi.

-What the fuck, Les?

-I heard that too. Loud and clear.

Okay. Lindy, I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

And, uh, I can't believe it even happened.

I don't--I don't--I-- but you're incredible.

I mean, you're beautiful. [laughs]

-Are you smiling right now?

-No, no, no. No, of course not.

I, I just--I--

it's just like, wow.

-Wow. Wow?

Wow?

-No, I apologize. You're my wife

and you're not an experiment. I...

-I should hope so!

Jesus. Oh, my God.

This is your job?

This is how you're gonna solve world hunger?

You're gonna make everybody tiny so,

so they don't, what, eat more? I don't...

-Uh-huh. Do you--do you want me to answer that or...

-Explain it to me.

-Well, um, it's called "cellular reduction"

and, um, it's the process of miniaturization

and restoration of organic fruit, uh, and vegetables.

And that's how I plan to solve world hunger.

-Explain how you're gonna make me big again!

Jesus! I don't give a shit how it works!

-Oh, right. Well, I just reverse the process.

That's the restoration part.

-Great.

Restore me.

Now, please.

-I can do that, um, uh,

but first, uh, a surprise.

Meet me in the dining room.

Merry Christmas, Lindy.

-Les, do I look merry or hungry?

-Well, it's kind of hard to tell from this distance, um...

-I'm not. Make me big again, now.

-Heard that loud and clear.

Um, the thing is...

-Tell me you can make me big again, Les.

Les: I can, and I will.

Um, the thing is, that it's just--

I think it's just gonna take a day, uh, or two, tops,

but you'll be fine.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You're healthy.

I checked your vitals.

-Wait, I could die tiny?

-No, you--you're not gonna die tiny.

You'll be safe in the dollhouse

because it's almost exactly the same as our house house.

Um, the stove works, the refrigerator works,

there's food, the water runs,

and I shrunk a few of your favorite things

to really make you feel at home home.

Your clothes from your closet.

Um, and, uh, this curling thing

and your hair brush.

Uh, cold cream,

looked important.

Oh, and I remembered your coffee

and the coffeemaker, worked perfectly, right?

Oh, one crucial thing, um, the toilet.

Uh, it works. I figured it out.

Just don't ever look in the hall closet downstairs, ever.

You will be restored to regular size.

I promise. This is just temporary, Lindy.

I am so close, truly.

-Now it's so close?

Not a day or two, tops?

Les, you motherfucker!

[clatters]

-Hey. Calm down.

[Lindy grunts]

[squeals] [shatters]

-Calm fucking down?

[grunts]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[sobs] Why me?

-Hey, Lindy.

-I'm gonna need a minute!

I don't wanna be little.

♪ He's been away... ♪

-Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du.

You can--you can refill milady's cup too.

-[sighs]

-She's on her way, Barb.

-She's gone back to her husband. -No.

-They always do. -Not this time.

Nope, nope, nope, 'cause we've got plans.

Yup.

We got concrete plans.

How about a ten-day getaway to Vermont for two?

Uber-romantic. [door opens]

-There are multiple reasons she could be late.

No, I know Lindy's coming.

Why, you may ask?

Because our love story is woven into the fabric of time,

destined to be written,

immortalized for generations to come.

[phone ringing, buzzing] -Oh. Quiet, everybody, please.

Quiet, please!

Sorry.

Oh. It--it's work. It's work.

Hey, Martin.

Well, I--you know, I was--

I was gonna head out of town so--

No, no, no, no, no, no. Of course. Of course.

I'll just--I'll head into the--into the lab.

No, I've not heard from Les.

Wait, what do you mean you can't get ahold of him?

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

-Does this mean your romantic getaway is canceled?

-Barb, can I be honest? I love your service,

but I don't love the negative energy.

-[groaning]

-Peace offering?

-Take those off. I feel like a specimen.

And come closer. I don't wanna keep yelling.

Jesus. The '96?

-If there was ever a time.

-I know why you didn't tell me about your work.

-Well, I couldn't. It was top secret.

I signed an ironclad NDA.

-It's bullshit.

You didn't trust me,

which makes me so sad.

Makes me so sad.

And fuck you.

But...yeah.

-Well, I didn't exactly hide it from you either.

-What?

-Happy birthday, Lindy.

-They are so cute!

Wait. And legible?

-Happy birthday, Lindy.

-They're so cute.

[beep] -Oh, and functional.

-Happy birthday, Lindy.

-How cute.

And accurate.

The dent from when I sideswiped the mailbox.

Never put it together.

-You also said you didn't wanna know.

[watch beeps]

-Whoa, you're not leaving me.

-Well, I have to go so I can fix you.

-No, no, no. No, Les.

Take me with you. I'm portable.

-You'll be safer here in the dollhouse.

-I, I feel very not safe.

I feel very small

and, like, something bad could happen.

-I won't let something happen.

-Something did.

-Something else beyond the accident,

but I have to go to the lab so I can fix you.

-Please, Les, I do not wanna be alone.

Please, I'm scared.

-Well, what if I can show you

that, um, being small isn't scary?

-Oh, God. Les: I've always wondered

what the world would look like

if I were six inches tall.

-Not me.

-I could show you.

-No, I, I don't.

-Aren't you just a little bit curious?

-I will be restored to regular size soon.

-I promise.

Trust me.

-Okay.

This is crazy.

[soft chuckles] Oh, my God.

[soft upbeat music playing]

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, ♪ ♪ la, la, la, la. ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, ♪ ♪ la, la, la, la ♪

-Yeah. I mean, everything is really big.

Ha. Really, really big.

♪ Ba, ba, baa ♪

[glass shatters]

♪ Ba, ba, baa ♪

Les: Wow. I can only imagine

how different everything looks, right?

-Do you see this dust ball?

Do you think I could choke on this?

-Oh. Yeah. Put that down.

Hello, Dolores.

Look who it is.

[chirps] -See? She's not that scary.

-Why is she looking at me like that?

[chirps] -Oh. Oh, it's puffing the--

do you see what it's doing?

Oh, no, no, no!

It's trying to eat me.

-Okay. -No. This is not...

-Moving on. -...interesting to me.

Can you put me down, please? Put me down.

[toy train honks]

♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪

♪ Are you listening? ♪

♪ In the lane ♪

♪ Snow is glistening ♪

♪ A beautiful sight ♪

♪ We're happy tonight... ♪

-Fun, right? We all love a train ride.

-Whoo! Les: Merry Christmas, Lindy.

-Merry Christmas, Lindy! [laughs]

[toy train honking] ♪ He sings a love song ♪

♪ As we go along ♪

Lindy: Merry Christmas. [laughs]

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Lindy!

Huh?

Whoo!

[laughs]

Merry Christmas to me!

[laughing]

Merry Christmas, Lindy! [sobs]

-Maybe too many times around?

-I wanna get off! [sobs]

I don't like it.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick. Ooh, oh, oh.

[toy train stops]

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh. -Hey.

It's, it's gonna be okay.

I'm so sorry this happened.

I'm so incredibly sorry.

-[sobs]

Water truck ran out of shrinking gas,

so I'm gonna go to the lab to refuel.

-What am I supposed to do with this?

Les: I thought I could crush it up

and you could maybe snort it? I don't know.

-I'm Scarface?

I'll just gnaw on it or something.

-How are you feeling?

-Really?

-I mean... -I know what you mean.

Better.

I did always love this couch.

[groans]

[sighs]

-When you're ready.

-Uh, pour away.

Don't be shy.

So, this is my, uh...

tiny little life now?

-Temporary tiny life.

-How long again? Les: A day.

Two at the most. I'm so close.

I'm... -So close. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you microwave this off the floor?

-The floor is clean.

You're the first person to ever walk on it.

-Six-inch tall Neil-fucking-Armstrong?

Les: Kind of.

-Les, you put parmesan in the potatoes.

-Potatoes a la Diane.

-With a twist.

Who?

Lindy's sister: Reese Witherspoon,

from "Legally Blonde."

She's gonna play me in the movie.

-She's gonna play the sister character.

-I still don't know who that is. Walt?

-She's blonde, wears pink, goes to Harvard.

-That's a stretch.

-What? I am blonde.

Les said that we could be twins.

-I'm sure he's just being kind.

-No, no. I think with the right hair and makeup,

you know Hollywood. I mean...

-It's beyond me why they're even adapting

the book into a film.

-Because it's sold a million copies,

because it won the Pulitzer.

Diane: Hollywood must be out of ideas.

-You're not excited?

Uh, Laura Dern is playing the mother.

-I adore Laura Dern, but I question her judgment.

The book wasn't well-received.

-I repeat, it won the Pulitzer.

-The Guardian dubbed it "literary popcorn" and added,

"That does not a Pulitzer make." Their words.

-Which you memorized and repeat constantly.

-I can barely show my face at Wine Club Wednesday

without Carol turning her nose up at me

as if I were the devil incarnate. Walt?

-Your mother needs her Wine Club Wednesdays.

-That's not a stretch.

-Mom, it's fiction.

-Carol didn't see a character.

Carol saw me and the me in your book is a monster.

-It's a comedy. It's a dark comedy,

a coming-of-age story

about a woman who felt abandoned

and silenced by a monster of a mother character!

-You try being a single mother of two young girls

whose husband walked out one day without a word.

-Walked out or was driven away?

Diane: Jim abandoned me.

-No, he stopped being married to you.

He abandoned me.

Uh, me too.

Diane: And he's still the hero.

I tried my best. Walt?

-If--I don't... -Uh, if I may, uh, Walt?

Diane, have you tried the potatoes?

I call them potatoes a la Diane, um, with a twist.

-Is the twist a turn of the knife?

-It's parmesan cheese. Try it.

-It's too rich, but absolutely divine.

-Just like you. -[soft chuckles]

-[mouths] Thank you.

-Walt? Sorry.

-I think we should visit the Arch tomorrow.

-I hear it's dreadful.

-Yes. Yes.

-No, I don't get the Arch.

It's like a Arch for what?

-It's the gateway to the West.

I think it's great. Lindy: "I can barely

show my face for Wine Club Wednesdays."

-"Hollywood has run out of ideas."

I think Laura Dern is very generous casting, I have to say.

Hello.

[laughs] What's going on?

-Do you wanna have sex? Les: Oh, yes.

Yes, please--will they hear?

-Eh. We'll be quiet. We'll be fine.

-Oh, right. You're set to high volume.

-Mm-mm. Watch. -Honey?

-Watch, watch. Watch, watch. -What?

Okay. But--okay. Got it. -See?

-Come on. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, quiet, quiet, quiet.

-Okay.

Okay.

Thank you...

for defending me...

from my fucking mother. Les: Always. Always.

I'll work the magic, just be quiet. Quiet.

Lindy: Okay. Les: Okay, okay.

Shh, shh, shh.

[Lindy moaning] -Quiet, quiet, quiet.

-Oh, can you put your hands right there?

Les: Okay.

Fuck, fuck.

Lindy: Oh, fuck, fuck! -Oh, Jesus! Walt!

Can we help you?

-Obviously this isn't the washroom.

-It's down the hall with the light on.

-The one with the toilet.

Walt: I could see the light.

[Les laughs]

-He's trying to escape.

-[laughs]

-To the Arch. -[laughs]

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, fuck. -Okay, okay.

Um, maybe I can't be quiet.

-I don't think you can.

-[sighs]

Hey.

I'm not really like her though, right?

My mother, um,

I'm not like Diane, am I?

-Does that make me Walt?

-Seriously, though. -Seriously?

-Seriously. -Seriously...

no. Fuck no.

-Because she's... -No. She's unbelievable.

And not in a good way.

It's gonna be okay.

It's only a few days.

-Only a few days.

[dramatic music playing]

-It's only a few days.

[dramatic music playing]

[phone buzzing]

[dramatic music playing]

-Yeah?

What? [whispers] What?

What?

It can't be right.

Okay. I'm coming in.

Now. Uh, now-ish.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Magoo meows]

-Magoo!

Stay.

Stay!

[Magoo purrs]

-No, no, no, no, no, no!

-Magoo! -[snarls]

-Come here. -[snarls]

-[meows] -Ow, fuck.

You fuzzy fucker.

[Magoo meows]

[meows]

-Stop.

-[meows]

-Stop it, you're fine.

Feel bad enough already.

I mean, she's safe, right?

[Magoo meows]

-[sighs]

[sobs]

-Hey!

Hey!

-Yes, Richard? What is it?

-Oh. You seem upset.

-No, Richard. I'm fine, I'm fine.

-You know, I sometimes come to my car to cry too

when I need a release, so I get where you're at.

-Okay. Right. Is that all?

-Now you've got me worried.

Is everything all right at home?

You know, with, uh, your wife, Lindy?

Lindy is her name, right? -Uh, yes, Richard, she's fine.

-Good, good. -Yeah.

-She's just, uh, keepin' busy over the holidays...

-Yes, Richard, she's at home writing.

She's keeping busy. -She's writing?

-Yup. -Write--that's wonderful.

That's wonderful. Martin: Richard!

Get your butt inside!

I'm sorry to use profanity.

I'm upset.

-I'll see you later.

-Les?

Les?

[gasps]

That is a toy.

He left me?

Right, right.

[exhales]

Right. I have to trust him.

I cannot spiral.

Huh? Oh.

Yeah.

Why not?

Okay, that's good, Space Colon.

Colon?

Colonel.

Colonel. Space Colonel.

Next stop, Ur-anus.

I could--fuck, I'm already spiraling.

-You made me believe you were so close,

so I believed you. Les: Yes.

And you should believe me, that's our deal.

There is mathematical truth in stating I am so close.

-So what does "so close" mean to you in this context today?

-My God, I can't put an actual number on it,

I don't know.

What? -Oh.

What have you done?

-What have I done?

Martin, I don't wanna say you have one job.

-Contract is for 30 days.

-That's insane! -Well, you said...

Les: What? -...that you were close!

-Thirty days?

Well, it will work, I mean,

the math says it will, and math is never wrong.

So... -Now you have 30 days.

-No, no, no. We have 30 days.

-Oh, now it's "we"? Les: What does it say exactly?

What does the--what does the small print say exactly?

-It says that we have 30 days

to prove that the restoration formula works...

-Uh-huh. -...or the patent on our tech...

-On my tech, thank you.

-...reverts to Hilton... Les: Uh-huh.

-...and Hilton sues you... -Sues us.

-...for fraud.

And you go to jail.

-To jail?

Well, can he do that?

-He can.

And after 30 days, it goes,

the tech, the lab, the Bobs, gone.

-But...

Okay. So how do I make, uh...

how do I...

how do I make things big again?

Because I have to make things big again.

-Well, after 30 days, you can't.

-What did it actually say?

I mean, can he actually do this?

Hilton? -Yes, he can.

It says it right here.

-Oh.

-Les...

how bad is this?

Oh, God.

I'm not even gonna ask about the cat.

[playful music playing]

[Magoo meows]

[playful music playing]

[Richard humming]

-Um...

uh, hi.

I got you something for Christmas.

-Oh. I didn't get you anything.

-Oh, it's okay.

-Oh, that is... You...

-Like what Shakespeare used to write with.

-You know I like Shakespeare?

-Well, everybody knows you like Shakespeare.

Bard's Guard.

Well, you talk about it a lot.

Um...

you seem a little bit down.

-No, I'm, uh, just tired. Yeah.

I was waiting up last night for someone.

Someone special, you know, and it's just, you know.

-Well, merry--merry Christmas, Richard.

-Yeah. Thank you, Janet.

This is a very thoughtful gift, so thank you.

Thy returneth to thine grind.

[dramatic music playing]

-Okay, buddy.

"Aim remote here."

[dramatic music playing]

-Oh.

Right. Okay.

All is good.

Okay.

Come on.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Ah, there we go.

Guide.

Oh. A classic.

Come on!

[dramatic music playing]

-Volume.

We're never turning this off.

Okay, snacks.

So...

we got popcorn,

but no candy.

Oh. Les.

That's just for me.

-Richard, I need everyone at the top of their game today.

It's a big day. Could be the day.

Needs to be the day or two...

at the most.

Here are my thoughts.

[playful jazz music playing]

-Adjust the last line on the Maxwell stress tensor

to B sub J.

Minus one half times the quantity of epsilon naught

times E squared plus B squared over mu naught.

Thoughts complete.

-Bobs, implement his thoughts.

[playful jazz music playing]

-B sub J minus one half,

times the quantity of epsilon naught

times E squared, plus B squared over mu naught.

Complete.

-Carl, implement his thoughts.

[playful jazz music playing]

-Complete.

-Let's make history.

[applause]

[sizzles]

[drum solo playing]

[playful jazz music resumes]

[explodes]

[dramatic music playing]

-A great attempt in the name of science.

Richard?

-Bob the Explainer?

-Nominal success.

Subject expanded to regular size for 2.1 seconds,

same as previous attempt.

Result, molecular disequilibrium.

Oh, Eraser Bob, see medic.

Bring in Fred. Clean up on aisle...everywhere.

-Richard?

-We're waiting on analysis to proceed.

We'll adjust based on your thoughts.

We'll go again.

Vivienne: No, you won't.

If this is your definition of close,

we have a big problem.

You working in a bubble with your staff

and your secrets ends today.

Moving forward, everything that happens

in this lab will be authorized by me.

-No. No, no, no. No.

Um, this is not how we work here.

We are making history, okay?

That corn was regular size, it's incredible.

As a scientist, how can you not see that?

-Reports, equipment, results.

Any spending whatsoever, everything you use,

must be logged, up to and including packets

of instant oatmeal in the breakroom.

-Can I explain my fiber deficiency?

-Okay, everybody, everybody.

-This is Virginia. -Vivienne.

-Vivienne, I don't know her last name,

but she's new here

and she doesn't know how things work.

And, Bob, you don't need to worry about your oatmeal.

Okay? -Can we just talk about this?

-Martin, you know exactly how much money

this science circus is hemorrhaging.

-I don't care about the money. Vivienne: Of course you don't.

You spent seven years

and several hundred thousand dollars

designing your logo.

-I had to open the books. -Well, it had to be perfect.

What? Vivienne: Irresponsible.

And deeply sad.

Dr. Littlejohn, it's no longer your money.

It's Hilton Smith's money.

This is his lab now and I run Hilton's lab,

ergo, I run this lab.

-This is unacceptable!

And it's ridiculous!

And do--do something!

Okay. No we, no we, just me.

I wanna talk to Hilton right now!

-Well, good luck reaching him.

He's spending the holidays piloting

an experimental submersible off the coast of Guam.

-Guam?

Guam? What? -Shut it down.

We'll try again tomorrow...together.

These ladders are an OSHA violation.

-You're an OSHA violation!

-Dear hairy Jesus!

-And I hope Hilton gets crushed into ketchup

by 400 atmospheres of pressure.

-Twenty-nine days. -Not helpful.

-Not the point!

[dramatic music playing]

-Oh, what have I done?

[dramatic music playing]

♪ Midnight with the stars ♪ ♪ and you ♪

♪ Midnight and a rendezvous ♪

♪ Your eyes held ♪ ♪ a message tender ♪

♪ Saying, "I surrender ♪ ♪ all my love to you" ♪

[phone ringing]

-It's my phone.

[phone ringing]

-Oh, my phone! Oh, oh.

[phone ringing]

-Coming, coming, coming!

What?

[phone ringing]

-No!

No! [groans]

No!

[grumbles]

No!

Fuck, did you just say something?

Am I losing my mind?

I can see me in you?

[fly buzzing]

-Do you hear that?

What? Uh, what is that?

[buzzing]

-Oh, fuck.

[fly buzzing] -[screams]

I gotta get outta here!

What the--ow!

Fuck! [screams]

Jesus.

Fuck! Goddamnit, Les!

For fuck's sake.

[phone ringing] [yelping]

-God dang it!

[phone ringing]

[screaming and grunting]

[grunting]

[wind whooshing]

[groans]

[fly buzzing]

-[screams]

[yelping]

[grunts]

[screams]

[phone ringing] -[screams]

Help! Help!

[ringing]

-Help, help.

[chime plays]

What the...

[machine whirring]

[ominous music playing]

-Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, oh.

[machine whirring]

[door opens and closes] [keys jingling]

Les: Lindy, hold on! I'll save you!

[Lindy screams]

["The Things We Do For Love" by 10cc playing]

♪ Too many broken hearts ♪ ♪ Have fallen in the river ♪

♪ Too many lonely souls ♪ ♪ Have drifted out to sea ♪

♪ You lay your bets ♪

♪ And then ♪ ♪ You pay the price ♪

♪ The things we do for love ♪

♪ The things we do for love ♪

♪ Communication ♪ ♪ Is the problem ♪

♪ To the answer ♪

♪ You've got her number ♪ ♪ And your hand ♪

♪ Is on the phone ♪

♪ The weather's turned ♪

♪ And all the lines ♪ ♪ Are down ♪

♪ The things we do for love ♪

♪ The things we do for love ♪

♪ Like walkin' ♪ ♪ In the rain and the snow ♪

♪ When there's nowhere ♪ ♪ To go ♪

♪ And you're feelin' like ♪ ♪ A part of you is dyin' ♪

♪ And you're lookin' ♪ ♪ For the answer ♪

♪ In her eyes ♪

♪ You think ♪ ♪ You're gonna break up ♪

♪ Then she says ♪ ♪ She wants to make up ♪

♪ Ooh, you had me crawlin' ♪

♪ Up the wall ♪

♪ Ooh ♪