Original subtitles

Joseph, what's the latest on IS? Do we have any matches?

Yeah, kind of. I'm having a little bit of trouble trying to get our software to

distinguish between times when someone has referred to IS, as in the Islamic

State, which I presume we need to keep a record of, versus times when they've

simply used the word IS.

You've spent the best part of a week looking into all nationwide

containing the word IS?

Yeah, I mean, you'd be surprised how much it comes up.

Jerry, have you been able to get a cyber trace on where the Russians might be

operating from?

Well, first of all, good morning.

Chris. And no, my only guess is that somehow they're able to operate even

their main server is asleep.

I'm a bit like that. By the way, has the NSA reached out to see how I'm getting

on with all this?

Yes, of course. If word gets out that a weapon designed by the NSA is now in the

hands of terrorists, it's going to be the biggest humiliation since noted.

I was asking more about, like, did they reach out to say hi?

But what you said was also super important.

Right. No.

Also, just so that you know, as part of GCHQ's commitment to tackling sexual

harassment and discrimination in the workplace, FISEC has been assigned

Bowden, who will be leading some workshops during the day.

Is she GCHQ? No, but she comes recommended by Rupert and Downing

she's also worked closely with Prince Andrew.

Not too closely, I hope.

And one final thing.

One final thing. I'm delighted to announce that FISEC's new fire marshal

be...

Evelyn. Ah.

Was it close?

No. What do you mean? Well done. Wait a minute. You didn't even apply for the

role? What role?

Does HR know? It's fine.

It's just something to keep her active and get her out of my office.

Chris, you can't just give that role to your own daughter.

Why not? Well, isn't that... What's it called when you favor a relative?

Incest?

If you're accusing me of nepotism within GCHQ, it's probably my grandmother you

need to speak to first. Right. Where's she at? Cheltenham Cemetery, 12 across,

down. Oh, it's... Lovely round there.

If only it wasn't so obvious that Evelyn has got the role purely on merit.

Have you got what on merit?

Any update from the Russians on how your mum's getting on now? Oh, they won't

let me speak to her.

She's very strong -willed.

She won't take the class farce.

I assume it's wrong.

Come along. Let's get this over with. Yeah,

hi. I just want to make sure you received my donation to the Women's

Liberal Library Fund.

Yes, $10 ,000.

Great, thank you.

I'm so sorry. How can I help you? Hilary Bowden.

I'll be leading the harassment and discrimination sessions today.

Oh, right, right. Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Well, aren't you a breath of fresh air?

Oh, really? Why?

Oh, just that you were very... Um... Um... Red. You're very

red.

Were you about to say I was attractive?

Maybe.

Would that have been okay?

Of course. Why not?

Well, it's just that, you know, men like me are often... Ah, never mind.

No, go on.

No, it's just that, you know, being a...

Good -looking, straight, white male these days is kind of like having a

on your back, you know?

Anyway, if you need anything at all while you're here, you just, you know,

me a nudge.

I'm a big fan of your harassment, of anti -harassment, and your work, and

discrimination. Very important.

Well then, shall we? No, please.

No, please.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

Up to you.

How do you feel about sharing the fire marshal position?

Well, there's only one tabard. Yeah, I know, but I can always give it a rinse

between. Aren't you already a health and safety officer? Oh, yeah, I know, but

ever since Elaine walked into that sheet of glass, there's been nothing to do.

Well, what do you want me to do? Start a fire?

Not really.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

As you know, my name is Hilary Bowden. I'm an ambassador for CBT in the

workplace. I have experience with animals, and I am co -creator of the

biodegradable coil.

We are stretched for time, so just to get the ball rolling, I'd like to start

with maybe a general chat about our own personal experiences of harassment.

Would anyone like to go first?

Well... Oh, no, no. You do? Yeah, you do.

So I often get teased quite a lot because of my height. I don't know if

counts as harassment per se.

I see. And from a psychological point of view, does that get you down?

Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground.

Is that what you meant?

But do you ever find it restricting?

Oh, no.

No, not... I mean, you know, within reason, I can fit into any size space.

Like a squid?

Or a gas.

And, uh, Jerry, the alpha of the pack, have you always been this tall?

Yeah, since birth, I'm, uh, I'm tall everywhere.

And are you now at your maximum height, do you think?

Actually, I could feel myself growing right now.

Lovely. Okay, so I would like to try a little bit of role play.

Mary and Joseph, come help me with the fund here.

Jeff, could you get this chair for me, please? Yeah.

Okay, so I want you to imagine that Mary has been bullying Joseph for his

height, say. Why?

Well, actually, that's a good point. In theory, why else might we want to make

fun of Joseph? I don't know the best way to say this.

Colour of his skin?

Yes, thank you. His intellect?

Size of his nose?

The way he dresses? I think that's probably enough. His one brow?

Jerry, I think that... Yes, that's a good amount of variables. And which one

these are you most comfortable talking about, Mary?

Oh, um, probably, um, um,

the colour of his skin. Yes, I agree.

At least in theory, that's certainly the most obvious.

I don't know, that nose is pretty big.

Jerry. I want you to imagine that you've had a run -in with Joseph and you've

ended up saying something racist.

Do you want me to actually say the word out loud?

Well, do you have a particular word in mind? A few, yes.

Oh, but only because Mum used to talk in her sleep.

Why? Just my write -up, Christine. What proportion of the office is black?

Sorry, I believe the correct term is African -American.

I think quite a lot of the furniture is...

Black? Sorry, African -American?

Of course, we have very few, if any, African -Americans working here. What?

do you get away with that?

OK, I think that's enough. Yeah, now we can all relax.

How did that make you feel, Joseph?

I guess it made me feel a bit more white.

Hilary? Given that I hang out with Joseph so much, does that mean I can

accused of being a racist?

Okay, well, let's break that down, shall we? Does your friendship with Joseph

ever feel like a conscious decision?

Absolutely. Oh, I mean a little bit of both. Not an act of pity or self

-defense? How would it be an act of self -defense?

Well, perhaps it makes Jerry feel more powerful surrounding himself with people

of color, like a Moana. No, I'd never do that. That's not to say I don't feel

powerful around you, buddy, but I think anyone would.

Okay, so this next bit actually takes them from my latest book.

It's just a scenario that I'd like you to mull over before we break for lunch.

Now, what if Jerry invited Joseph over to his house? His staying hotel.

Okay, so imagine he invites him over to his hotel and cooks him a delicious...

Doesn't matter, kitchen.

Well, let's just assume it's a suite. I'm sure they'd upgrade me if I asked.

Can't you see the hotel kitchen?

That was going to be my question.

Jesus. No, I don't want to hang out with those guys. I'm trying to cook Joseph a

nice romantic children's meal. The point is, Jerry ends up cooking Joseph a

really big, vibrant...

Curry? You wrote a book about this? I just quite like curry. Oh, there you go.

See? The question is, though, is that racist?

No way. I'm just using up all the ingredients I had left over. I thought

was pancake day.

But is this a sign that we have preconceived ideas of people?

No. I'm just trying to cook my best friend in London, Cheltenham, his

meal. I never said it was my favorite.

Yeah, but I'd do the same for anyone.

I mean, apart from Tuva, maybe. Why? Why would you cook for me? I'm imagining a

more fragrant, spicy kind of noodle thing.

Surely that's time.

With a side of cricket.

The fuck?

Are we not doing the bit in the roleplay where I call Joseph a...

Wow.

Phone's off.

Oh, move.

Oh, uh, God.

Look at you.

Move up. Yeah.

Hillary just grabbed my junk again.

Oh, why?

Maybe it's some kind of game, like a perverted version of Bop It. Whatever it

is, I think she's winning.

You can say something.

I don't know. I mean, what if she's just really into me?

Yeah, well, she's not.

Well, then I'm going to tell on her. What to Chris?

What's going on?

Oh, it's Hilary's great Jerry's crotch. He wants to tell Chris.

Oh. Pass it on.

Something about Jerry and Chris's crotch, I didn't really catch it.

You caught something?

I don't know, but we all have to pass it on.

Jerry's got an STD.

What? Pass it on. Ew, no, gross.

Well?

Jerry's got syphilis again.

What I want to examine is what's acceptable in the workplace, what's

unacceptable, and ultimately, what's illegal.

Yeah, me too.

Can anyone give me an example of something that's illegal in the

Homicide. Yes, but I'm particularly interested in those muddier areas.

Who uses kisses at the end of their emails?

And how does everyone else feel about that?

How do you think?

The only thing that bothers me is when the whole email is just a kiss. Even the

subject line?

Yeah, it's like kisses just everywhere.

Yeah, in my defence, I think a lot of those were group emails.

They were.

Yeah. Why haven't I received one of them? I don't know, that's just email,

that's him.

OK. I sometimes use hug at the end of my emails.

What's a hug?

Kind of like, no, get off.

No, I mean, how do you write a hug in email?

Oh, well, I type a big capital O or I use open and close brackets.

Just to offer you my professional opinion, and I'd say the same to the

I'd worry that might look a little like an entranceway.

Huh? What, like I'm inviting someone in? Yeah, baby.

And it's not allowed.

What, yeah, baby? Yeah. Oh, come on. It's harmless, isn't it? It's just like

words. Sure is, sugar tits. Thank you. Christine, how do you usually sign off

your emails?

Would you ever use a kiss?

No. I only ever sign off with an ex if I want that person killed.

Oh, Tony Blair does that.

Is that why you keep doing that to me?

No. If I wanted you killed, I'd probably just do it in your sleep.

Oh, my God.

So one additional thing I'm keen to examine within these sessions is the

to which our decisions are affected by unconscious bias.

I wouldn't know.

Exactly. So the best way I like to test this is by imagining that the building

is on fire and working out who you would save first.

Cherry. Quentin.

Joseph. Mum.

Mary. Oh. You're the lightest. Oh.

Well, no, try and ignore all other factors, so let's pretend that you're

Superman, and therefore the size and weight of an individual isn't important.

So assuming you're Superman, Jerry, would Mary be your first choice as well?

Uh, I'm not sure.

I'd be worried about her wig catching fire and damaging my cape.

It's not a wig.

What about me?

Oh, well, you'd be okay for a few hours in your mom's glass box up there. Not if

it melts.

Oh, do her a grip.

I'm sure you'd want to save Evelyn at some point.

Well, I wouldn't want to be accused of nepotism, would I? So you'd rather I

to death?

To be honest, I don't think any of this would have happened if I'd have been

made fire marshal in the first place.

So what we actually recommend as a way of avoiding unconscious bias within this

scenario is to save people, but in alphabetical order.

Oh, great.

Starting with you, Christine.

What? Followed by Evelyn. Great. And it would be me, Henry, if I happen to be

around. Yes, what a shame you're only here for one day of the year.

Like Santa Claus?

Or a smear test.

Yes.

What I want to look at now is physical interaction.

Now, I will warn you that some of this is quite sensitive, but I did try some

these techniques out at a Cobra meeting last week, so they are perfectly safe.

Jerry, do you mind joining me at the front, please?

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to demonstrate how to hug a colleague the

correct way from a legal point of view.

OK, so here we go.

And one, two, and then... Now, if you want to put a bit of force back into

pushback just to prove there's no agenda there, that's absolutely fine. But what

if your colleague has just witnessed something horrendous on the web and you

feel like a longer hug is necessary? You might want to go for a...

Oh, one, two, three, and then a half.

Jesus. Okay, so why don't we all give that a go?

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

Okay,

I'm here, I'm here.

That was awkward, actually. Yeah.

On the count of three, I want you to all arrange yourselves in order of who you

feel is most likely to be taken advantage of. One, two, three, go.

Fantastic. Now, please sit back down.

I have a question.

Sure. What if someone were to, I don't know, say, grab your ass or

your crotch? Would I report that as sexual harassment or... Or what?

Or would I correctly interpret that as someone having extremely strong

feelings for me? I wouldn't have thought so, no.

Really? Then why is that person going around grabbing people's crotches?

I guess because it makes them feel powerful.

Especially when they know that no one will ever believe the other party.

What? Why would they do that? I mean, that's totally fucked up.

I know, but sadly it's what the science shows us again and again.

Okay. For those of you who don't know what's going on here, Hillary grabbed my

crotch and my tush earlier.

Multiple times.

Okay, so now might be a good time to look at how best to deal with false

accusations. What?

Mary, do you mind joining us, please?

Wait, wait, no, no, hold on. This is bullshit.

She's lying.

No, Jerry, what I want you to do is to demonstrate what you believe happened as

part of a role play. Fine. On you or Mary?

On Mary.

Oh. No, I... No, no.

No, no, I... No, I'm not falling for this.

There might be a trap.

Mary, is it a trap? I don't think so. No one's ever called it that before.

And what if it were the other way around?

What, like I grab her out?

What if she were to grab you?

Now? No.

Whenever you're ready.

Mary, what the fuck?

Isn't someone going to say something?

Sorry, are we still in the role play?

No. I'm really confused.

Great. Are we done? Mary, thank you. What?

Are you all just going to sit there?

Chris. I'm sorry, I was miles away. And what Jerry's doing here is pretending to

object. No, I'm not. Oh, that's really clever.

Why would I do that?

To demonstrate what happens when someone cries wolf.

I'm not crying wolf, okay? It really happened. That's exactly what the boy

Well, I'm being serious this time. No, he said that too.

Oh, I get it. So you and Hillary are in cahoots. What?

No. Wonderful.

A happy finish.

And, of course, the sad thing about a false accusation is not only does it

the individual look stupid, but it also undermines those cases where someone has

genuinely been harassed. I have been harassed. Look, Joseph, when I came back

in here, what's the first thing I said to you? Move up. No, after that.

That you think she's really into you. No, not that.

That you've got the first?

Yeah, no, what?

Is that what you said? I'm not to be heard.

No, no.

Okay, I'm genuinely starting to think that you guys are all in on this. Well,

is common for men like you to try and play the victim.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just say men like me? What, you don't think men like

me can get harassed? Well, then you don't know about the time. Wonderful.

we're out of it. Fantastic.

Wait, no, no, you can't just do that. And we're back in.

Time's up, I'm afraid, Jerry.

Okay. Oh, no, you know what?

No, you were right. You do have syphilis. No, I mean, we're in cahoots.

Hillary and I have been in cahoots the whole time. I mean, this whole thing has

been planned.

Her grabbing my junk was planned. Her grabbing my back thingy was planned.

This, this was planned. Right there, that's planned.

Yeah, and this, this was planned.

And this is planned.

And this is planned.

Out of it.

No, what?

Hi. Yes.

Just so you know, I won't be pressing charges.

Thank you.

Me neither.

I just have to attend a three -day anti -harassment course.

Yes, me too.

See you there.

Oh.

Hooray, hooray, hooray. Caesar is on the way. There a bad time just around the

corner.

There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

democracy and we don't much care. We'd better all learn the lyrics of the old

red flag and wait until we drop down there.