Original subtitles

OK,

what have we got? Jerry, what's the latest on Eternal Blue? I need to update

Whitehall. Well, I'm still analysing the code to see if I can get a fix on

exactly where the Russians are operating from. I may need to call Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg. Why?

We're old friends.

Facebook friends?

How's Zuckerberg going to help? Fuck if I know.

Oh, gosh.

I am so sorry that I am late. I had a bit of an accident, so... How's your

by the way?

Still dead, Sandy Cress. I'm talking to Mary.

Have you started to miss her yet? Well, I was going through her old drawers back

home and I did find a DNR form, which is a bit sad.

Why was that?

It means do not resuscitate.

Well, perhaps she's just thinking of the future and doesn't want to be a burden.

No. This form had my name on it.

What was the name of that form again?

Sabina, come over here, please.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

They activate my psoriasis. Sorry.

Oh, and we also have a request in from Disney regarding their new streaming

service. Oh, sweet.

Will I be able to watch it from my office?

Some of their customers have been subject to a data protection breach.

So, yes.

Oh, and just come in from analytics that GCHQ viewed, they may have captured a

signal matching Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint.

Well, great.

Can they send it over?

I should think that's unlikely.

Why? With that data, I could immediately locate where the Russians are operating

from and end this thing. Do they not understand how awesome that would make

look? Exactly.

Bude might want to claim that victory as their own. Which reminds me, the board

have expressed concern that any romantic relationships between our sister

organizations are to be actively discouraged as they may prove a security

I hope that's not going to be a problem for anyone.

There you go.

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me.

And no one knows how far... Hey.

Hey, Jerry, you got a minute? What? Sit up.

Sit up.

Hey. Sorry, man. I was looking into that whole Disney thing.

Yeah. So what's going on? Did you get the location data?

No, it's more pressing than that. I've got a date tonight.

What?

With who?

Okay, but here's the thing. She's bald?

No. She's blind.

No. Rabies? No, it's about me. You've got rabies? No, Jerry.

So I'm... I'm still a virgin?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I kind of figured that.

Oh, no, is it obvious?

No.

Listen, but I'm so sorry. I'm just super busy.

Okay.

It's pretty good, though, isn't it? What, Moana? Oh, my God. The Rock is,

on fire.

No, they've finally got a date.

Yes. Yeah, that's great, buddy.

Yeah. Oh, and one final thing, just to go back to what Chris said, is that it's

Charlotte from GTHU Beauty.

So... I...

As in she's on the team that captured Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint?

Yeah, I think of that.

Well, then this sounds like a perfect opportunity.

For me?

Yes.

Yeah, that's what I, for you.

Evelyn!

What? Okay, this is going to sound strange, but what if you wore an

I told you what to say?

Would I need to get them pierced?

No. I just think we could both get so much out of this date, you know?

I don't... What do you mean by... Nothing makes me happier than playing

Oh. And I just really want to see you score with Scarlett. Charlotte.

Right. Have you ever seen the movie Roxanne?

With Dean Martin? Yeah.

It looked too scary for me. Oh, it's a comedy. Well, it's about this guy with

the big nose, right?

Yeah. Who has the heart for this girl, but the problem is she's into this much,

much better looking guy.

How is this helpful?

Okay, so I don't really remember the rest of it, but basically they do what

proposing we do. And in the end, the guy with the nose, he gets the girl. The

guy with the nose? Right, while his buddy gets the intel he needs.

Right. Yeah.

And then I think you die.

Oh. Yeah.

And so apart from the nose, is there anything else that I can do with my

appearance now?

All the way. This is as far as I go. Sorry.

Okay. So right off the bat, I think you should wear something with vertical

stripes because that shirt makes you look even like more than you

are. You know what? Come over here. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Start right there.

Okay. I want you to close your eyes.

Close your eyes. And imagine yourself three feet taller.

Your legs are growing longer.

You can now reach a doorknob.

Okay?

Now, open your eyes.

Oh, my God.

Right? Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, yeah. See, it's all about positioning yourself to create the

tallness. Well, that's actually how we shot a little Lord of the Rings.

Exactly.

Yeah, feel it out. Walk around and try a doorknob.

So easy.

That's so easy.

Yeah.

Okay, so Joseph has a hot date tonight, and we're trying to figure out ways to

make him more attractive.

Want to borrow my jacket?

Well, I used to have a lucky top, but I stopped wearing it because it was

attracting what?

Lucky how? I thought you said you've never been laid. That's so hot.

Look, I know this might sound like a stupid question, and I hope you don't

me asking, but just in case it comes up, where exactly is it?

The vagina.

Jinx, you owe me a root beer.

Yeah, I mean, just a rough ballpark.

Well, it can vary.

Can it? Oh, jinx again.

Two, but that's two.

Some days I find mine can be quite high up.

Right. I'm not sure how helpful that is. You want me to do a drawing?

Yes, please.

So, did you never see your mum's?

Not really. I mean, she died, like, 20 years ago.

And you never saw it before she died?

Not just before, no.

Here you go.

It's a lot bigger than I thought.

It's not to scale.

Right. What's that?

That's the urethra.

Yeah, that's where pee comes out, buddy. You don't have to worry about that.

But, Tuba, I think you got a lot of this wrong. What's that little thing up

there, for instance?

Yeah, that explains a lot.

You know, I just think you've got to keep things as simple as possible for

Joseph.

And there's no danger of me, you know, accidentally ending up inside the

urethra, say.

It's about eight millimeters wide.

No, I'm good. What's going on?

Oh, um, nothing. Just something suddenly popped up in Joseph's inbox, and we're

just trying to fix it.

Hardware or software?

Oh, hardware, with any luck.

Well, so long as it isn't a virus.

Oh, no, no, no.

Joseph's equipment is totally clean.

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, it's Mary's we have to worry about.

Oh, gosh, really?

Maybe get someone to take a look at it in that case.

We don't want you infecting the whole department.

Maybe Quentin.

You know what we're talking about.

Computing.

Hey, how's it all going?

Good, come on in. I just want to test the earpiece.

Have you ever worn one of these before?

No, but I did want to get a marble stuck in my ear.

Did you ever get it out?

No, I don't think so.

Okay. So you want to take this one here and put it in your other ear.

By the way, it's very common to go to all this trouble, Jerry, for a first

Oh, don't be silly. I'm just trying to help you out, buddy. How does that feel?

You say something.

Yeah, okay. So put it back in, and then I want you to go out there so I can test

the range, okay?

Get out so I can test the ring. Yeah, sorry. Now?

Yeah, now.

Yeah.

Okay, can you hear me?

Yeah. It's kind of like I've gone mad.

Okay, don't say anything out loud. Just wave if you can hear me.

Hey. Does it work both ways then if I say something out loud? Can you hear me

well? Yeah. What do you mean?

Joseph, my office.

No, no, go for it. This will be a good test.

Are you okay?

Oh, no, uh, yeah.

All right, you got this, buddy.

Come on.

If I were to go on Scorpio and see how much analysis you've completed this

morning, would I be pleased or disappointed?

Say anything but the truth.

I think pleased.

For a bit.

And then growing more and more disappointed as you realise just how

I'd also spent on Moon Pig.

Jesus.

I've honestly run out of things to say.

That makes a change.

That makes a change. Oh, excuse me. Sorry, nothing.

This really is your final warning.

I mean it.

No more second chances.

No more, oh, but Jerry told me to do this, or Jerry told me to do that.

Wait a minute, can she see the earpiece?

No. I give up.

Turn your head away, just in case.

No, the other way. No, your other, to the right.

No, actually, turn it, go back.

Turn around.

Just get out.

Turn around again. Go back, go back. You know what?

Get out of there. Just get out of there.

Get out!

Yeah, this is going to work great.

Okay, let me see what you're wearing.

What do you think?

Did you choose that fabric yourself?

No. Do you think I should pretend that I did?

Definitely not.

Okay. But the stripes help, though, right? Yeah, absolutely. You look like a

well -dressed barcode.

Yeah.

All right. So here.

Take one of these.

Okay. Okay, I'm going to give you a quick spray.

Right. What are you doing?

Close your mouth.

It's cologne.

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Women love this shit.

Is that what it is? All right.

You're good to go. Okay.

And can you hear me okay?

Yeah, got one in my wallet.

Oh, there we go.

Hi. I've got a reservation. It's Joseph Harry's.

Is she here?

She's just over there.

Oh, great. Okay.

I'd throw in the odd question about her work to keep it light, but just go with

it, okay? Don't question anything.

Sure.

Hey, Charlotte.

You look lovely.

Who are you?

It's Joseph.

I'm kidding.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm a little bit late. I was trying to find something nice to wear.

You did not find anything.

Did you not find anything?

Oh, yeah, no.

Just because I heard that it's better for eye contact. You wouldn't prefer a

slightly smaller seat, would you?

Well, I could charge.

I could see it in the high chat.

I'd see you fine.

You know what?

You don't have, like, a booster seat, do you? Not for adults, no.

OK, can I get another menu in that case? It won't be thick enough.

Can I get some more bread?

OK, so why don't you start by asking her about work?

See what she's working on at the moment.

Eternal blue.

That kind of thing.

So what are you working on at the moment? Anything exciting?

Have you got a six -pack?

Who, me?

Yeah.

Yes. I mean, you can't see it. Because of the stripes.

Oh, no, I just mean in general you can't really see it. But if you push hard

enough, you can feel roughly where it's meant to be. Just ask her about work

again. I mean, what are you working on? What can I get you? Can I get some more

bread, please? Yeah, I'd rather you just order. We're very busy tonight.

OK. You know what? You have to really impress her with what you eat. So

recommend a dish you've tried here before, okay?

Salad. That's really nice. I had that last time I was here.

Apple juice.

Yeah,

it's just mind -blowing. Would you like an apple juice? Could you come with me

last, please?

How big are your meatballs?

Tiny, but you get three.

Okay, I've got the menu up here.

Just order what I tell you.

I don't like mushrooms.

What was that? What was that?

Um, oh, uh, nothing. I'm just reminding myself that I really don't like my...

Okay, tell him you'll start with the mushroom bruschetta.

Can I start with the mushroom bruschetta, please?

You're trying to impress me. I just answered a bit of a challenge, that's

Is it an allergy?

Yeah, it's quite serious.

No, no, don't say that. It'll make you look weak.

But it's fine. It's fine. I've got my EpiPen with me, so you know CPR, right?

And the main?

Um, the main? Uh, the lobster bisque.

Say again.

And for me?

The lobster bisque.

The lobster bisque. The what? Bisque!

Thank you.

All right. And for you, madam?

Can I get the mozzarella carotta, the parmigiana, the salmon, a salad, some

bread, please, and a bottle of red wine. Oh, do you want red wine?

Oh, I'd love red wine. Two bottles of red wine, please.

Yeah,

give me a minute.

Okay,

so let's shift the conversation on to, I don't know.

How much she knows about the intel they captured on Eternal Blue today?

Oh, shit.

What's wrong?

Do you need the toilet?

Do you need the toilet? No.

It's the lady who cleaned the office that just walked in.

Uma?

Sir? Okay, just say it's awkward because you used to bang.

It's just a little bit awkward that, hey, because my boss is trying to clamp

down on cross -divisional relationships, and what with you working at GCHU Buda

and me working at Cheltenham, I just don't want... Don't worry about it. I

to do improv at uni. I'll be fine.

Oh, here we go.

Hi! Are you all right?

I'm good, thank you. Much, much better now.

OK. So, yeah, you all right? Yeah.

OK.

So, this is... Sorry.

Yeah. His sister. What?

Yeah, this is my sister.

Huh? No.

No, no, I'm 100 % full. Sister.

Right. You'll never be able to tell.

No. No, a few people have said that. I think just because, obviously, you know,

you're quite that much lighter.

Yeah.

No,

it's just because I'm just very, very frightened.

Yeah, because she's just always so frightened.

Right.

Well, have a good night. Thank you. Take care. Bye.

See?

Very good. Very impressive.

OK, listen, you're not getting anywhere with this chick, OK? You need to ask her

more about work.

I love it.

I mostly just deal with sex trafficking, but I can do a lot of that from the

beach, so... Right.

What about you?

Well, gosh, we moved to Cheltenham shortly after my mum died.

No kidding!

Mine too!

How old?

What, her or me? No, how old were you?

Twelve. Me too!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God! How did you all die?

Mechanical engineer at BA got sucked into a jet engine.

Oh, Charlotte, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, it was over really quick.

She went in faster than the speed of sound.

Didn't even have time to scream.

What about yours?

Oh, really boring.

The bowel cancer.

Oh, that's not boring.

Really? No.

Okay.

Are you serious? Give me a fucking break.

Get that down you. Oh, wow.

Everything all right with your food?

It's absolutely delicious.

Thank you. You haven't touched it. I was leaving room for dessert.

Is it possible to get some more bread, please?

Okay, okay. You know what? Let's try a different approach. Tell her you're

thinking of applying for a job in analytics at GCHQ Bude.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I'm actually thinking of

applying for a job in analytics at GCHQ Bude. Because you want to see me again.

Oh. I mean, that would be lovely.

Scrap that. All these positions require you to speak Mandarin?

Do you speak Mandarin?

Come see, come talk.

You like that? Yeah.

Okay,

look, just ask her about the digital fingerprint they captured, okay? Tell

need it to get a fix on a location.

I need a timeline. Why?

Got to come out somewhere.

Oh. Okay, buddy, this is going so bad.

You really need to stick with what I'm telling you to say.

Jerry, I'm not going to ask for a departmental secret. She might get

Just say it's the only way you'll know if you can trust her. I already trust

her. Oh, come on, man.

You know how important all this eternal blue shit is to me. This could be my

ticket home.

Hang on, is that the only reason you're doing all this?

What do you mean?

I was just ordering a dessert.

I thought it was... Someone blocked themselves with a light.

I'm going to have to hold it in.

Come on, man, you can do this.

So what brings you to Cheltenham, then? Is it like a work thing?

No. I could see you.

What, that's it?

Why, what's wrong with that?

No, no, that, no, that's great.

I just, just no one's ever travelled that far to see me before that.

It's only three hours.

Just straight up the M5.

You're not stuck?

No, no, I got the M5 on like a rocket.

What, what do you think, mate?

Yours?

No, this is going nowhere.

What's that noise?

Are you eating soup?

Shh. What'd you say?

I know.

I did.

See?

I told you this would work. Okay, now she's onside. Ask her to send you the

signal analysis.

Did you get a bit of renny? I don't think it's fully dissolved.

Right, who wants dessert? We've already ordered. Sorry, do you mind just giving

us one minute?

Thank you.

Okay, um... Charlotte, I'm going to fake a link right now. I'll come to you.

to get up and leave as a result, but if you don't mind hearing me out, that

would be... Great. Go for it.

I'm wearing an earpiece.

What? No, don't tell her that.

A guy from my department wanted me to try and get the Intel GCHQ viewed

on Eternal Blue this morning, but I swear I didn't know that until now.

He was just going to be helping me out because this is my first date in 15

and I'm actually still a virgin.

Hmm. Can't tell.

That I'm still a virgin.

Are you wearing an earpiece?

Well, I am.

But you're not mad.

Joseph, buddy. Buddy, I'm... Hello?

Jimmy.

Yeah. I really need some more bread.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Do you mind not saying anything to anyone?

We just don't want people at work finding out.

No, that's understandable.

You haven't paid!

Want to

grab a

beer?

No.

Hooray, hooray, hooray, there is on the way there a bad time just around the

corner. There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

democracy and we don't much care. We'd better all learn the lyrics on the old

red flag and wait until we drop down.