Original subtitles

"The next morning, Ginger returned to that edge,

"waiting, hay gnashing between her teeth.

"As she raised the gun, she measured the weight

of her heavy body against the promise of a final end."

Okay, so your story was in the style of Sylvia Plath,

and it was about...

Suicidal horses.

They were horses!

That explains so much.

Okay, I was a little thrown off because Ginger had the gun.

And Piper worked at the travel agency.

-Right. -Great. Nice work, Maya.

We are done for today. Good.

-That was fun. -Good shit, Grg.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Spooner, is that my watch?

Yeah, you gave it to me the other night

when we were partying, and I taught you how to reset

your phone's ringtone to something cool.

There is no way I would have given you that watch.

That's Spooner's watch.

So, I'm giving it to Spooner right now.

Let's get some beers. Yay-yuh!

I still want it back.

-Oh. -Hey, did you see Tommy today?

No, I didn't.

Thank you.

I didn't hate class today, Mr. Russo.

Oh, thank you, Ronni, that's very kind--

-Now, she's gone. -She's right. I peep a new swag.

Well, got a solid eight hours last night.

Well, you don't have to be shy.

You either got something or you gave something.

I wasn't getting or giving. Just sleeping.

-Well, keep it up, shawty. -Okay, Eva. Bye.

Rooster!

Tommy! You weren't in class.

Yeah, sorry, I had an emergency.

Oh. What's going on?

Didn't think you'd ask a follow-up.

-Learn to lie, young man. -Okay.

Madam.

I thought you'd enjoy a hot cup au chocolát.

Are you insane? We're at work.

Why not just get a neon sign that says, "Cristle put her finger in my butt."

-That was your finger? -Greg, join us.

Take it. Say they're both yours.

Go.

These are both mine.

Okay. Quick question about your former spouse.

How would you introduce Elizabeth?

Ah, well, she definitely doesn't like it when I call her "my ex,"

but "my former wife" sounds like I killed her,

so I usually just go with Beth.

Nice podcast, Greg.

I just meant, how should I introduce her tomorrow?

We're planning the dedication ceremony for the Elizabeth Stoddard Student Center,

which apparently is a part of my job.

-Mm. -Moving down my list,

would you say that Elizabeth is a relentlessly aggressive predator

who will stop at nothing to get what she wants?

That can't be on the list.

He thinks she's coming for his job.

Oh, she would make a great college president!

Hello?

Nope, not this college.

Her name should be on the student center. She raised all the money.

But this Green Initiative of hers...

Now, the lights go off in every academic building

automatically at 7 p.m.? What are we, Quakers?

Is that something they do?

Look, if Beth wanted your job, I wouldn't know.

Since our split, we really haven't been in contact.

So, she made it impossible to be close?

You made it impossible to stay close.

Let's not do the microexpression, please.

And if you must know, yeah.

I think that Beth tried to keep it civil

so we could continue to hang out as a family.

-But I couldn't do it. -Why?

-A number of reasons. -Name them.

-He doesn't wanna name 'em. -Don't talk for Greg.

I don't want to name 'em.

Fair enough.

Ah, one down.

Wow, two hot chocolates.

-Yeah. -What are you hiding?

So weird.

Why did you drag that lame picture

-all the way from Florida? -I don't know.

Just makes me happy when I look at it.

Well, as an art historian,

if you paid more than $10 for that, you got ripped off.

Ouch. Your mom is coming this weekend.

I will keep her entertained. You don't even have to see her.

Actually, I was thinking that it might be fun for the three of us to hang out.

Really?

-Mm-hmm. -I mean, the last few times

I've seen you guys together since the split

have not been super smooth.

-I know, I know, I know. -And no judgment.

Well, there shouldn't be judgment.

You burned down your house, and I just said mean things to my ex.

Wow.

I think I might be ready.

Then you should go for it.

I'm trying to figure out a way to broach the topic with your mom.

How do you spell "whazzup"?

-Jesus Christ, give me that. -Okay.

Before you send anything, run it by me first.

-Yeah. -Whoa, whoa, don't call--

Hi, Mom, it's me,

-on Dad's phone. -Oh, come on...

I was just thinking,

I think you should stay at his house this weekend.

-What are you doing? Don't-- -No, I know.

He is like that.

No, the room isn't available. Don't.

-Just hang it up. -She wants to talk to you.

Be cool.

-Whazzup?! -No.

Hi. Yeah.

Yes, I think I can not be weird.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, not if I see you first. That-- No.

Bye.

Whazzup?

And although Stalin and Lenin

both had different approaches to governing,

they did still share the same tomb.

Now, that's an odd couple comedy that I'd pay to see.

Professor Bates, can I have a word?

-Oh. -Of course.

We were just wrapping up, anyway.

Spokoynoy nochi, everybody.

Spokoynoy nochi.

-After you. -Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

You need to stop sending me eggplant emojis.

Oh, you mean aubergines?

What? I didn't even put the little water drops afterwards.

-'Cause I'm a gentleman. -We are never having sex again.

Agreed. Because we didn't have sex.

-We made love. -Gross.

Oh, for fuck's sake! This shit again?

These are everywhere. Do you know who's doing this?

I don't, I wish I did. Then I would thank them.

'Cause it's like a little sign telling me to stay away.

The one good thing that came from us sleeping together

is that I have clarity.

I'm sorry if what I'm about to say makes you sad,

but when we were together, I felt nothing.

-Oh. -Yeah.

I'm over you.

-Pants off. -Okay. Just me?

Elizabeth Stoddard is a philanthropist,

a pioneer in corporate gender equality, and an accomplished CEO.

Or should I say She-E-O?

Oof.

My wife wrote that. She's not here.

We're so glad that Beth could join us for one day, and one day only.

Without further ado, Elizabeth Stoddard, class of '89.

Thank you so much, President Mann,

for those kind words.

And thank you all for being here to welcome me, I guess,

to my student center? Crazy, right?

I kinda thought my name would be bigger.

Who do I talk to about that?

I forgot how good she is at this.

Dad, I'm right here. You're screaming.

-How am I screaming? -Stop.

Which is why I am really looking forward to being on campus much more frequently,

-so that I can help lead our university... -What the--

-People can see you. -...toward the future.

With the Green Initiative, Ludlow is on track

to be the first ever passive-energy campus in all of New England.

It's very excit--

Come on. Turn that off.

-I'll wait. -So disrespectful--

It's your phone.

It's your phone. Get your phone out!

-Oh, shit, it's my phone. -It's your phone.

Okay, I got it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Student changed my ringtone.

So, as I was saying, when we considered redesign--

-Holy mackerel. -Oh, my God.

Turned it off.

-Great. -Go for it.

It's just so nostalgic being here.

Have you ever gotten high and gone skinny dipping in Cabot Fountain?

What? No.

-Me neither. -Maybe we could do it

together as a family.

Hey, Rooster! What up, bro?

Hey, Pig Guy!

Oh, tell Spooner he needs to change my ringtone back.

Ah, I got you.

His nickname is Pig Guy?

-No, it's much worse. -The kids call you Rooster?

Yeah, some of the kids think I'm kind of like my character.

No way. That's hysterical!

I don't think it's that hysterical.

Mom, brace yourself, but Dad's kinda hot shit around here.

-Stop it! -Seriously!

The other day, I'm pretty sure I caught him on a walk of shame.

-Oh. -What?

-Tell me everything. -No, no, no, no,

we're not gonna talk about that.

Notice how he's not denying it?

Mm-hmm, and also, see how he's blushing.

No.

I gotta go teach Yonic Modernism.

I gotta go meet with Walt so he can drag me around

-to the trustees. -Wait a second.

We have to have a little family fun night, yes?

-My schedule is packed. -Oh, Mom, come on.

I will let you tell me about hairstyles that don't suit me

because of the shape of my face.

-Not a bob. Never forget. -Sure.

I'm not letting go until you say yes.

-Sure. -Yes!

-Cool. Cool. -That was too big a reaction.

-I am sorry. -Okay, bye.

-Wanna walk me to Walt's? -Sure.

-Hello, Mo. -Ah, you're home!

Shoes off, Prince Harry.

Christ, it's not a fucking dojo, is it?

How was it? I wanna hear every detail. I mean, the Big Apple. Wow, never been.

Sorry, you've never been to New York? That seems impossible.

That seems anti-Semitic.

How was the interviews?

Oh, yes. How were the interviews?

A whole car ride, nothing came up? What did you talk about?

Talked mostly about his book.

But honestly,

-I think I nailed 'em. -Yes!

-I was in the zone. -Nice!

I was actually in the zone myself this weekend, writing.

We already moved back to you?

It's called a conversation, Mo. Sort of ebbs back and forth.

-Does it? -Yes, it does.

Do you wanna come help me unpack?

"Unpack" means sex.

I probably would have got that one, yeah.

I have office hours in like 20 minutes, so...

I'll be back before you know it, okay?

-Alright. -No. Yeah, totally get it.

Yeah, okay.

Are your feet bigger than when you came in?

Okay, alright. Cheers, then.

Fucking shit.

Bye.

He'll be gone at least an hour.

That's more than enough time for us to change the locks,

have him out of our lives forever.

I'm begging you.

I would still have to see him on campus.

Come here.

Fuck that guy.

Yes, fuck that guy. Yes!

-There they are. -Ah.

-Elizabeth, great to see you. -Sir, nice to see you.

-Won't you come in? -Thank you. Excuse me.

First, sign here.

-Uh-huh. -'Kay.

Mr. Russo, before you go, I need a signature from you as well.

Okay.

Holy moly.

Just a form saying you'll be more professional at work.

-Ah! Mm. -Initial here.

-Here? -Mm-hmm.

This one?

And here.

-Oh, thank you. -Thank you.

Dylan Shepard, Dean of Faculty.

-Dean of Faculty? -Mm-hmm.

-Great. -Well, just temporary.

Unless Riggs has to be unplugged or something.

Wouldn't that be tragic?

Well, it is nice to see a woman

in a position of power at this school.

In fact, wouldn't it be great to have a woman in this office, someday?

Absolutely.

Elizabeth, Dylan will have to be your escort this afternoon.

I'll be dealing with our hockey coach

who is struggling through some alcohol issues.

Actually, he just switched to Michelob Ultra,

which we're choosing to believe is a terrific sign.

Someone should still probably keep an eye on him.

-Not it. -Oh, Greg.

-What? -Could help Coach?

-Oh. -He was a minor league hockey player...

-Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap. -...when we first met.

Oh.

Isn't that interesting?

Because Greg told me that he did not like hockey.

I said it's not my thing.

What I forgot to say was "anymore."

I used to like hockey. Now, I don't.

I saw you at a game.

You don't need to weigh in here.

Okay.

Yes, I should have said that I like hockey.

But I didn't because

I'm a little bit of an introvert. And a liar.

Well, we could definitely use your help.

I...

You always used to do this.

-Come on. -Stop.

Ah, alright, yes. Fine, I will help.

-Great, settled. -Great.

-We should get going. -Let's get going!

-Alright. -I will see you later at the house.

I will see you later, Coach.

Oh.

What?

I'm going to go and get myself some lunch.

It's only like 10:30.

Betrayal makes me hungry, Greg.

Alright.

Wait! You there.

Halt!

Hey, hey!

Somebody stop them!

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hi. I'm Sunny.

Right.

Don't I know you from fucking my husband?

-Yes. -Oh.

I wanted to apologize for that.

Well, you did it. Problem solved.

I think what happened is I never saw you as a real person.

Oh, good, there's more.

You were this abstract idea from another time in Archie's life.

Obviously, he still has feelings for you.

How could he not?

I'm sure you don't completely know how you feel about him.

All I know is I fucked up your life

and blew up every plan I had for my own.

And there's only myself to blame for that.

Well, you should also blame him a little.

I do.

Thanks for your time.

How are you?

I mean, with the whole...

How are you feeling?

So far, scared mostly.

But we'll see, you know?

What the fuck?

I didn't want The Review to go online.

You can do this. Get The Review back.

You're the Dean of Faculty.

-Embrace your power. -Cheese plate!

-Comin' in hot. -Ooh!

Of course, it has more nuts than cheese.

His diet is primarily nuts.

-Oh, he's a squirrel. -I like nuts.

But I also like hot chocolate.

How did you drink both of those?

Yeah, that was too much.

That's too much crunch, too much sweet.

-You gonna get sick. -No, no. Oh!

Hey! Are you-- Is--

-Was it you two? Is this... -What now?

-Oh, no, no, no. -Hm?

Apparently, he had a one-nighter, so...

Oh. It wasn't me.

I'm seeing somebody, and he's great,

but boring, and a bad kisser, and I hate him, but wait.

Who are you sleeping with?

You know...

if you get a cracker

that's big enough, you can put a piece of cheese,

a fig, and a nut on it.

Oh, shoot, Katie's upset about something. She wants me to come talk to her.

You can just talk to her when she gets here.

I don't think she's coming here.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Alright, alright, alright.

Alright, let's just be calm.

Could you text her back, please, and tell her

that she made a commitment to come here,

and that Dylan is excited about playing games?

Wait, this is a game night? Oh, sh...

-I hate games. -No, be calm, please.

-Uh-oh. -Could we just be calm, please?

Greg, everybody's calm.

-Okay? -Okay.

See, he gets an idea in his head,

and if it doesn't happen exactly the way he imagines it,

he starts to kind of freak out.

I am not freaking out.

Yeah, that's not your regular voice.

And when he starts to, like, slow it way down,

you are fucked.

And I would appreciate it...

-We're fucked. -...if the two of you did not...

-He's doing it! -...gang up on me.

-No games. No games. -I'm so scared.

-Stop it. Stop it. -It's terrifying!

-We stopped it. -Stop it, please.

Okay. All I can say is,

I'm really glad that he found you.

As a friend.

When we were married, he had, like, two friends.

Well, I only had one at the end 'cause you slept with the other one.

Beth, would you care-- Do you want a fig?

I don't want that.

God, I appreciate you making the time, Walt,

but this heat is just unbearable.

It's supposed to be uncomfortable.

We do hard things to make ourselves stronger.

I mean, look at those abs.

What do you do, a couple hundred crunches a day for those things?

No, I'm not really keen on any kind of exercise, truth be told.

I am resisting the urge to strike you right now.

Hey, listen, this "for Katie" thing--

How did Sunny's interviews go?

Yeah, she said fine, I think.

And you didn't dig any deeper than that, I suppose?

That's a lucky girl.

To be clear, you're upset

because your precious little car got painted again?

No, it was my dry erase board this time.

Huh!

Someone's trying to get under your skin, and it's fizzling out, Archie.

And it won't continue unless you put gasoline on the fire.

And let me tell you something, you're gonna be tempted to

-because you're a weak, vain man. -Hey.

I am not weak.

Resist the urge.

I hear you.

Do you eat bread?

Pasta, too, yeah.

Quite into lasagna at the minute, but I would never say no to a gnocchi.

Risotto. Ravioli.

Get out. Just get out.

Elizabeth, come on!

-Wh... -Come on.

-What? -We were just razzing each other.

You were razzing me, I was razzing you.

It's me, Mr. Razzles.

You wanna be mad at me forever, be mad at me forever.

But things weren't great when I blew us up.

And I take responsibility for that.

And I also feel terrible that you were so lonely.

But I have a big life and a career.

And it's not like I was just gonna give that up

so that we could stare into each other's eyes all day.

I'm sorry if you were my best friend.

-Oh, come on, not-- No. -No.

-Don't do that. -Oh, damn it!

No, no, no, no, I...

I didn't wanna rehash this this weekend.

Then, why are we?

I don't know if we know how to stop.

Beth, I am trying so hard to get to that sweet spot with you

where we can be friends.

And I was doing pretty well up until about ten minutes ago.

Just give me another chance, come on.

I think we should cut our losses and...

know that we did the best we could.

I'm gonna go see Katie.

My dad's being, like, so unsupportive about my singing lessons.

Do you know what my potential is?

Yeah, like, you could have a career.

Like, tell me...

This doesn't sound good

Angelic.

Hello. Hi. Can I see you in my office, please?

-Yeah, of course, yeah. -No, I wasn't talking to you.

-Gina. -Gina. No, I was talking to Liv.

"Talking to Liv"?

Oh, yeah, I'll...

I'll be right there, for sure. Right now.

Can you watch my bag?

Yeah, of course.

Why do I feel guilty for sleeping with my own husband?

I might not be the best person to ask 'cause I was, you know, the Archie.

Just tell me what to do.

That's not me, I can't--

-Greg does the emotional stuff. -Yeah.

-Right? -Yeah, no, I know.

You're the dad, he's the mom, whatever.

I don't feel super comfortable

talking about my sex life to Mrs. Doubtfire.

He'd die if he knew I called him that.

Are you kidding me? He loves that movie.

Well, I mean, any movie, really,

where a man dresses up as a woman.

-The Birdcage. -Birdcage. Yeah, sure.

I've kind of always done whatever the hell makes me happy,

which doesn't always work for me,

but that's mostly 'cause I'm pretty selfish.

-You? -I know.

-No. -I know.

I know, shocking.

But the thing is, my dear, you have the kindest heart.

You might actually be able to pull it off.

How was that? Did that sound like something

a mom would say?

I'm gonna ask Dad.

Oh, alright, fuck it. Yeah, do that.

Do you know why I've asked you here, Liv?

-Yeah, I think I do. -What you've been doing recently

has been driving me absolutely insane.

I mean, and I actually...

-I was warned not to do this. -No, no, no, no, no.

I, like, dated my high school band teacher.

-Yeah. Yeah. -I can be discreet.

-Wait, I beg your pardon? -Yeah.

Oh. Oh, sorry, this Green Initiative shit.

But you can't tell Gina about this.

I get to.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no, that's--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't mean that.

That's not what I meant at all. Could you--

I would never do that with you. That's not--

That is no disparagement on your appearance.

I mean, it's lov-- Oh, fu-- Okay, you just go.

-Okay, just go, please. -Mixed signals!

No, no, no, not-- Not mixed signals.

But very-- Very clear signals!

Just working late.

-Putin, he's-- -Yeah, he's the best.

Well, not...

-Good night. -Good night.

Pretzel!

Are we fucking playing grab-ass?

Come on, back to one.

-I got all day. -Hey.

Ugh, that's chunky. Hey, Coach.

Greg Russo. Walt asked me to come by.

I'm not sure you got--

Yeah, relax. I'm Jake.

I know why you're here. Glad to have you.

I'm on a whole new path. Working out, going to the meetings, the whole shebang.

Great, great.

I really appreciate your support.

Oh, my pleasure. Happy to help.

You think I can stay sober?

I...

-Well, we just-- -Ugh! If the answer's no, you just say it.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sure you got this.

Thank you.

I'm 100% hopeful.

I needed that. It's been a day.

My kid walked in on me in the garage last night.

I was jerking off listening to Aerosmith.

-Okay. -You ever look at your kid,

and you know he thinks you're a loser?

No. I have a daughter.

Trust me, she thinks you're a fucking loser.

-Sure. -Okay, well,

enough about my demons. Go get loosened up.

-You can jump in there. -Okay.

Seems like it's gonna be fun.

Guys, this is Coach Russo!

Don't be dicks.

Hi, Coach.

-Go, Greg! -Yeah, Dad, go, Dad! Whoo!

Skate backwards!

-There he is! Coach is back! -Watch out!

-Oh! -Ah.

Oh, that was bad.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I almost wish someone had told you to leave it alone.

Well, I tried, Walt,

but then I saw her wearing these bloody pink shoes.

I don't think you should talk about what she was wearing.

That's smart.

Could we speed this along?

Joanie and I already made the popcorn,

and we're watching the first season of Pachinko.

She won't let me turn on the subtitles,

and I, honest to God, have no idea what's going on.

-Walt. -Not a clue.

Let's focus.

Okay, as the Dean of Faculty, I don't think Professor Bates is at fault.

Yes, see?

Women helping women and helping men.

-No. -No.

But the lights going off in the academic buildings

is a major liability, so I think

that we should put a hold on the Green Initiative

just until we research best practices.

-Maybe a year or two. -That's interesting.

You'll be able to put The Ludlow Review back in print.

Bravo. I've been waiting for this.

Oh, don't act like you knew this is what I would do.

You see what he's doing?

No. Sorry, I was sort of still thinking about my own thing.

The young lady already said that it was a misunderstanding.

Big misunderstanding. Yes. Yes.

Well, yeah. I'd never sleep with a student.

Well, I'd never sleep with a student of mine.

That's a big no-no.

And that's actually a big distinction that Sunny and I often make,

and I'm very clear to make that.

'Cause she's-- She's a post-grad student.

It's more like a peer.

I think I'm gonna go. Can I go?

-Would you? -Sure.

How does it look?

-Ah! -Oh!

You asshole.

Fucker.

-It looks better though, right? -No, I'm--

-No? -No, I'm gonna get wine.

Do you want wine?

-I could go for a wine. -Sure.

Oh, could I get a straw for the wine, too?

Thank you.

-How's she doing? -She's gonna be okay.

-Mm. -I guess.

She did call you Mrs. Doubtfire.

Oh, my God, I love that.

Hello? Katie? How's my wine coming?

Goddammit, Mom!

I'm sorry.

I'm biased, but she may be the best kid ever.

I do not disagree.

I miss her.

You know, we're doing Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks, if you feel...

coming.

More than welcome.

-You know what? -Wait, Dad,

did you take this down 'cause I gave you shit about it?

That's sad. If you love it, you should keep it up.

No. No, no, no, no.

Mom, he takes this with him everywhere.

Oh, my God!

That's the-- That's from when we were in Italy.

I'm wearing the hat.

Aw.

Why do you still have that?

I don't know, I...

I guess it just makes me happy.

Hello! Who wants wine?

You know, you guys, I've got an early morning.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah. -I'm gonna have to head up.

No, me too.

-Night, Mom. -Good night, sweetie.

-Love you. -Love you.

-Sweet dreams. -Uh-huh.

Good night.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were...

-I didn't know you still-- -It's okay.

I'm getting there.

Divorce is hard, as you know.

You're doing it right, though.

Clean break.

Yeah.

Honey, you don't have to stay here.

I'm good. I'm good.

You were conceived right after that picture was taken.

-Oh, my God! -It's true.

That could have been such a nice moment.

Bye-bye.