Original subtitles

Songstress, icon, charity cake?

Today, hot mess Jan Narden is in the T -Talk studio and she's desperate for

cash. Welcome, Jan. And on a personal note, it is so good to see you again.

Yes, again.

At Dale's Oscar party?

Yes, Dale.

Now, I understand you started a crowdfunding campaign for your latest

Tell me a bit about that.

I want this new album to be a love letter from me to my fans, cutting out

middleman. But as someone with big hits and successful tours, don't you think

crowdfunding is a bit unorthodox?

Now, this isn't about the money, Sam. This is about reclaiming my art and

something that reflects my life. And what does that life look like? Well, my

has moved back in with me because of her Alzheimer's. Oh, wow. That must be very

difficult. I do the best I can, but she has good days and bad days. And what are

those bad days like?

Well, she can be very forgetful. I can't leave her alone anymore. It's not easy.

Wow. That's super sad.

Right?

really hard on me yeah jen that

was horrible yeah that beige jacket really washed me out no you

talked about my alzheimer's on national television the old gotcha media digging

up dirt you brought it up and without my permission i might add just being

honest mom you know all this is happening to me too like you stealing

stuff from the makeup counter You mean that lipstick you're using.

Now you remember.

And those photos.

I look like the Crypt Keeper. Those weren't even my fault.

They pulled them off of social media.

They're on social media?

I am sorry, Mom.

That's how it goes for us famous folk. People want to see a little tiny slice

my real life. It is not nice to be forced to do something you don't want to

Jan. Hey, hey, I have big news. A couple called your interview on T -Talk and

reached out, said they want to fund your album.

See?

Totally worth it. Who are they? Uh, Jackson and Jillian Cashton. They even

rich. Well, they are offering you $100 ,000 to be their guest for brunch.

Chugga -chugga -chugga money train!

Except that I hate that they call it brunch when it's clearly second

Great, second breakfast is on Saturday. This Saturday?

But that's the same day as Charlie's end -of -term photography exhibit.

Is she offering me 100K?

Fine, I'll go to both.

You can also bring a plus one. Oh, I know the perfect person to bring.

Taking someone along would be a great way to apologize.

Why would I apologize to Nate?

So silly, Mom.

A very gentle reminder that we need to hurry up or we're going to be late.

Okay, I'm ready.

Oh, wow.

Nailed it.

Failed it.

No, these are my thylacines.

With grass stains? Well, you only see them because you're looking.

Besides, everyone's going to be focused on the exhibit.

No filter.

A day in the life of Charlie Reyes.

Think there'll be photos of us? 20 bucks says it's artsy black and white photos

of just her face.

Hmm? Can you drive so I can drink all the free wine? Oh, you bet.

Let's get you hippy.

You're here!

Hey, Charlie. This is great.

Thanks, Mom.

I am so impressed, Charlie.

Thanks, Graham.

It was a lot of work, but I got named. I am so honored to be here.

Do you have a snack table somewhere? Yeah, it's right over there. Great.

Don't forget to say hi to Inez. Oh, look, Mac. You're famous.

Oh, my God. Look at me.

I'm just going to have a little snack before brunch.

Eating in front of strangers.

Actually makes me nervous. What?

I bet none of it would be vegan.

Is that chocolate vegan? Asking a vegan if something is vegan is actually very

offensive. I'm vegan.

I know.

And boy, don't you love to talk about it.

Seriously.

Oh, what's wrong, Jan?

It's just a photo.

Honestly, it's not so bad.

And people seem to be enjoying the photos.

Oh, that's easy for you to say, Mr.

Ruggedly Handsome Rugged Man.

Look at your portrait.

Yeah, I'm good looking. But to be fair, I am wearing my stylish jeans.

That's not it.

This is terrible.

I look terrible.

Thank you, Kale. Somebody who gets it.

Do you like it?

Are you kidding? I love it. I wanted to make a statement, you know? I never see

real faces anymore.

I feel like I'm seeing myself for the first time.

I'll take it.

Okay.

Real faces, huh?

We get the gritty treatment and you airbrush your own picture?

This isn't retouched. And I took this when I had food poisoning.

You're glowing.

I'm just young.

Hey, we're going to have to book it if we're going to make it.

Toot, toot. I'll board the money train. Hold that open.

Sorry, everyone.

I must go.

I have something very important I need to attend.

Something that is going to earn me a lot of money.

Later, Auntie Janice. You don't need to tell everyone your business all of the

time.

Oh, look, Mom.

Charlie took a really bad photo of you, too. You should be angry at her. That is

art, Jan. But what you did, not art. God, Mom.

I told you I was sorry. Yeah, but you said it like that.

Come on, Nate.

Holy moly, these people are expensively rich.

Sir, ma 'am, your guests have arrived.

Janard, in the flesh. Hi. I'm Jack, and this is my beautiful doting wife.

Jill, just don't ask us to climb any hills.

Because I'll have to fetch my own water then.

Please. Well, it is great meeting both of you, and I'm sure you recognize Nate.

Nate?

Dark Cupid.

Horse Hospital.

It's nice to meet you, Nate Dark Cupid Horse Hospital.

Are you of the Vermont Horse Hospitals?

No.

Thank you.

Now, Jill is a huge fan of your work. And even though I'm more of a take -it

-out -of -the -hunting -range kind of guy, your music really got me through my

first and third marriages.

I'm his lucky fourth.

What happened to the second marriage?

We don't talk about that.

Well, what do you guys do?

Oh, we're an event planning company specializing in gender reveals.

North America's largest.

Jack and Jill Gender Reveal.

We know the industry's taken a bit of a hit lately. Yeah, weren't those

wildfires in California caused by a gender reveal party? I heard troubled

Oh, we have gifts for you. Ooh, my love language.

Wowzers, thank you.

Just open them right now? Uh -huh.

Do you love it? We've added branded garments to our catalog.

You like them?

They're great. I know it's a lot to ask, but would you put them on for us?

Oh, I don't know. We'll give you an extra 10K. Mama loves a tutu. Just show

little lady where she can get changed.

You look wonderful.

Very handsome.

Not quite sure why I need the branded jockstrap. Oh, the confetti cannon's

quite a bunch.

Wow. Yeah.

Jamie, you look pretty as a picture.

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

I should have left my underpants on.

Okay. Come relax in the day room. It won't be long until brunch.

So, do you guys have special guests here a lot? We do. It's a little treat we

give ourselves, like facelifts. And trophy hunting.

Well, I really appreciate your donation so that I can make my album.

I'm sure you'll find some way to repair.

Sorry to interrupt.

The children are going down for their nap. They'd like to be tucked in.

Never have kids.

Well, parenting is our number one priority.

They call me mom.

What do you think he meant by find a way to repay them? Is this a sex thing?

The whole point of me doing this was to get money for nothing.

Are you freaking out? Is this your first foursome? No.

And no, I didn't.

I really have to go to the bathroom. Do not leave me here by myself. I'm sorry.

I'll be so fast. Oh, my God.

Wow, Rhonda.

This really conveys your essence.

Yeah, I didn't realize that my cheekbones were so striking.

They really are.

You are a total zaddy bear.

You know, I always thought of myself as more of a... ferret.

We are buying this photo.

We're going to hang this over the bed.

Right next to the Warhol.

Oh, I'm so honored.

Above the bed.

Okay.

Oh, I'm making it worse.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Where's the underwear?

Where's the underwear?

No. No, it's on the carpet, too.

It's getting on the carpet.

Oh, I don't know. There, there, there. That covers it up.

Madam,

brunch is served.

Marvellous. I'm just going to be a moment.

I just got a touch of the papers.

You go on now.

I'll be right along.

Maybe it's not that bad. Nope, it is. It is that bad.

I'll cover it up with panties and... Panties and pillows. Yeah.

Panties and pillows. Perfect.

He is like a year away from being out of this marriage.

His lips say, kiss me, but his eyes say, help.

It's art, you know, so everybody's entitled to their own interpretation.

I mean, there's not much to interpret here.

You can practically smell the decay.

I have this theory. Around 30, all the good guys are taken. They've settled

down, had kids.

But by 40, a lot of them are bored and getting divorced.

opens the pool back up, and these guys already know how to commit.

Right. It's like they've already been broken in.

That's what I'm counting on.

I'm going to be the second wife of some hot divorced dad.

Like this one.

I bet you his first wife is somewhere around here, just clinging to the

dregs of her dying marriage.

That'd be me.

Oh.

You look much worse in the photo. Oh.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm aware.

Maybe you guys will make it.

Just don't let him go to any out -of -town conferences.

And if he starts going to CrossFit, red flag. Ooh.

Thanks. Thanks for the tip.

By the way, just...

Makes you so sure that these newly single 40 -year -old men will want to

women their own age.

Oh, God.

Yeah. I'm going to go re -evaluate some things.

Jan, it is so wonderful to have you with us.

Come sit. The food's about to be served.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm starving. I just worked up an appetite.

Oh, you smell so delish.

Fun fact about me.

I stuck my own sausage.

I bet you do.

Yummy. Peach and a side salad.

Oh, is it? Women's tummies are tiny and delicate. Also, can't have bloating, can

we? Seems like a small price to pay for, you know, food.

This is nuts.

I agree. Oh, no, we are a nut -free household. Someone told us that our kids

allergic. That was me.

You really buy into this whole binary thing about men and women, huh? That men

should be one way and... Women or another?

Of course we do. We have to practice what we preach, don't we? Not that I, as

woman, should ever be allowed to actually preach.

I want to die.

Oh, you know what would be delightful?

Oh, jeez.

If you could sing us a little song.

You want me to perform right now?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, way to pay us back.

So no foursome.

You don't have to sing for them.

If I can just get through the day and I can make my album, then I can make music

that feels like me again.

Okay. Oh, no, no, no.

No, not here.

There.

Okay. And you know what would be extra delightful?

If you could sing a song about how boys should act like boys and girls should

act like girls. I'm going to make up a song.

We'll stream it live.

Hashtag, Jan loves Jack and Jill.

So what I'm doing is some kind of a promo for you guys right now.

Oh, like we said, the industry's taken a bit of a hit lately.

We just need to remind the public why the world needs gender reveals.

So do other celebrities do this?

You want us to say boys make great leaders and girls make great wives? Go

hell.

They keep saying no thank you. Okay, ready to go?

I guess.

They say that little girl...

are sweet and boys are rough and tumble boys wear blue and

wear it proud while girls in pink are humble but

what about the fact that gender norms are not innate we're taught extremes

for boys and girls but the difference is not

What's happening?

Is that

gross?

should be gay we would never say that out loud plus research has shown that

these stereotypes hurt trans and non -binary teens you're telling them that

something is wrong with them when nothing is wrong with them it's society

needs to care more about what's in your heart and less about

generous donation, and this is how you repay us? You can keep your donation. I

am getting off of this money train. I'd rather walk.

You and your son should leave.

We've been holding hands.

I kissed him on the mouth. A girlfriend that's older than the boyfriend.

Well, now I've seen everything.

Wait till you see what I did to your couch.

Peace out.

We even had them in the costumes.

I know. We were so close this time. I'm taking this road cake.

I was very talented. Oh, yes.

It was a lovely day.

Even Jan didn't ruin it.

Still mad at her, huh?

Well, wouldn't you be?

You are completely justified in your anger. What she did was wrong.

But, just so you know, there could be something positive in this.

Oh? I was really close with my grandpa.

And when he started forgetting things, started changing, it was really hard.

Obviously, it was very scary for him, but...

It's also scary for the rest of us that cared about him And I would have loved

to have seen someone a public figure honestly talk about what it would like

go through this And I felt less alone

Real busybody aren't you since the day

I was born Thanks for buying a photo so I got it taken off the market

burn it Charlie I am So proud of you. Thanks, Mom.

Bye.

Max, there's something you should know.

You are the most beautiful woman in any room.

Sometimes I look at you and I can't breathe.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Should we hang this above the bed?

Very funny. Nothing funny about this.

So, you like art?

I know it was right to turn down that money, but I really thought it was a

deal.

I was finally going to be able to make my album my way.

I mean, I would help you out with the money. I'm just not sure it's the right

thing. I don't want to mess things up by bringing money into this.

100%. You giving me money would be the worst. I know you're embarrassed about

crowdfunding, but you shouldn't be. You're trying to do something from the

heart. But I did get you something.

Oh, hot buns.

Thanks.

No butter?

No butter. That's okay.

It'll still be good.

Still be good without butter.

See ya.

Hey, guys.

Wow. Another iconic Jan Arden outfit.

Yeah, it's going into the burn box.

Plus, I won't be getting that money.

We'll figure something out. The universe will provide.

Thanks, Trey. See you Monday. Bye.

How was that brunch?

Not great.

I get it, Mom.

In that interview, I spoke for you, which was wrong.

You have to speak for yourself.

I see.

I'm sorry. I won't ever do that to you again. Thank you.

And I thought about it, too.

Maybe we could tell our story together. Really? Yeah, if it can help other

families. It's worthwhile.

But next time, I get photo approval.

Deal.

You're welcome to use any of these.

Mom, this is Sophia Loren.

So?

Okay, I've never done this before. Here we go.

Plus, research has shown... Let me get that again. I keep f***ing up the

research.

Research has shown that these stereotypes hurt trans and bi, not...

more time.

Who wrote this?

Sorry. Yeah.

I am cruel and I'm wise and I'm larger than your life.

I am bigger than the sun Watch me running to the end of all time I'll be

Watch me breaking through the finish line Finish line

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