Original subtitles

not help your feelings of frustration and resentment, and your partner being

blissfully unaware that he is failing to satisfy you.

The truth is, though, that the vast majority of women have fate orgasm at

time, and it's equally true that most men can't tell the difference.

Of course, no one needs orgasms to live, or even to be fulfilled.

I was married for six years before I even had an orgasm, and that's when I

realised I'd never had one before.

Now it occasionally happens, but not regularly, and I can't tell what's going

bring it on, but I'm beginning to want to do something about it.

For some women, the amount of relaxation, loss of control, and ability

tolerate high levels of pleasure never quite come together to give them an

orgasm.

I used to try and tell myself that the kind of peaks I had during lovemaking

were orgasms.

But they say you know for sure if you've really had one.

So I guess I haven't.

What's really great, not just what we get up to in the bedroom, but how

brilliantly we turn each other on in public.

There are also many women who enjoy a perfectly happy sex life without

though most of us would like to be able to have them, and to have them with our

partner.

It helps enormously to have a loving and reassuring partner who accepts you just

as you are, to help you feel emotionally secure, and who'll work with you to

provide the right sort of stimulation to make orgasms possible.

You may have simply never been honest with yourself or your partner.

Perhaps, as a couple, you've never talked openly.

The first thing is to assess your own sexuality.

Are you capable of orgasms, by yourself or with your partner?

Let's start with you alone.

A couple of years ago, I would never have believed what I can do now. I

taught myself how to masturbate and have an orgasm. I never used to bother

before because nothing really happened.

I assumed I was just someone who couldn't come.

Then when it started to happen, I realised it was something you could

and learn how to make it happen.

Now I just wish I'd started earlier.

It's surprising how many women complain about their partner's inability to

satisfy them sexually, yet haven't bothered to learn how to bring

orgasm.

In fact, only a minority of women are able to climax by penis and vagina

stimulation alone.

But well over 80 % can come to orgasm through masturbation.

If you are someone who has problems coming alone, you may quite simply not

doing the right thing.

It's possible you're not yet fully awakened sexually, or it may be that you

some conscious or unconscious barriers to be broken down first, perhaps about

masturbation itself.

To break down these barriers, you will first need to be happy with your own

body.

You'll also need to be fully aware of your own sexual likes and dislikes and

more importantly your orgasmic capability

A

good

place to start making these discoveries is in the bath

Gently and slowly explore which parts of your body feel nicest.

Make sure you're private, with no fear of being interrupted, and take yourself

right back to basics with these sensual exercises.

Make a mental note of which bits were best.

and which areas were the greatest turn -ons.

Now, in the bedroom, using baby oil or towels, repeat the exercises you did in

the bath.

I was quite surprised when I first tried this. I realised I'd never taken time

to think what I really liked.

That's why I never knew what to say when my boyfriend asked me what I wanted him

to do.

Notice how different you feel, in the bath and out of it.

Over several sessions, you'll be surprised how much progress you make in

awakening your own sexual feelings.

Because so much of a woman's body is hidden and internal, a lot of us don't

our genital anatomy very well.

Look at the pubic hair, the plump outer lip, and the thin inner one.

Part these and locate the clitoris at the top.

The urinary opening is just below.

Feel the vaginal opening and then the perineum behind.

Run your finger around the anal area and see how that feels.

Taking time to get to know yourself well should increase your own pleasure and

help you teach your partner what you like.

For the vast majority of women, the clitoris is the main pleasure centre.

Make sure the area is well lubricated, then try all kinds of motions and

around your clitoris.

Develop your own technique, but be careful early on not to apply too much

stimulation to the organ itself, because it might be too sensitive.

A useful tip here is, when you find a movement that works, stick with it.

Even if you don't reach a climax the first time, don't give up, but take

pleasure from the progress you have made and the enjoyment you have had.

Learning to masturbate on a regular basis helps develop your sexual

responsiveness.

But working on the physical side is only one path to successful orgasm.

The psychological side needs developing too.

One good way of doing this is through fantasy.

Just thinking of something erotic can cause your genitals to swell and your

vagina to lubricate.

The brain is the most powerful sex organ and plays a vital role in the arousal

process.

Allow your mind the freedom to come up with images that excite you.

Learn how to develop them into full -blown fantasy situations in which you

lose yourself.

Don't worry that they're too rude or dirty.

We all have these visions in our psyches.

They are your personal tools for arousal.

Don't be afraid to use them with or without a partner.

Whilst letting your mind wander off into a favourite fantasy, Now feel your way

around as you start to become aroused.

If you continue to find it takes a long time to get aroused, or that you get so

far but can't quite finish off with a climax, no matter how much you stimulate

yourself and fantasize, then you might like to try a vibrator.

I would have been too embarrassed to go out and buy a vibrator myself, but when

my boyfriend gave me one gift wrapped as a joke, he actually got me something

really useful.

Many women are shy about even buying or using such a thing, but it's worth

considering.

Firstly, they're extremely effective.

They're a powerful stimulus capable of making most women come in a few minutes.

Secondly, they're easy to get hold of by mail order if you can't face going into

the sex shop.

There are several types of vibrator.

The most popular is this plastic one.

Before starting, ensure that you're very wet, and if you're not, apply a

commercial lubricant.

Experiment until you find the best combination of speed, movement and

to get you really aroused.

When something feels good, stay with it.

Although some women like to arouse themselves with a vibrator inside their

vagina, the vast majority get their best pleasure from sensations around the

clitoris.

Mane's operated vibrators are better in many ways because they're more powerful.

But please don't use one of these in the bath.

Remember to pleasure other parts of your body, such as your breath and nipple,

if that's what you like.

Because vibrators are so effective, some women worry that they could become

addicted to them, and then unable to come with their man or using their

alone.

This almost never happens.

A vibrator is simply a highly effective way of increasing your level of arousal.

And you can, of course, also use it with your partner.

Our general level of fitness can also affect our ability to climax and our sex

life as a whole.

More specifically, you can exercise your vagina.

It's the contraction of the pelvic muscles that produces many of the most

powerful sensations.

Tighten and release these as if you were trying to stop yourself peeing.

The great thing is that you can do this anywhere, anytime.

A more advanced version is to think of your vagina as a lift shaft.

Slowly make the lift rise by contracting your pelvic muscles until you can make

the lift stop and start at will.

Without question, the best way to learn about and enhance your own orgasmic

abilities is through masturbation.

It is an activity you can enjoy and experience regularly.

It will keep you in touch with your own sexual feelings and you'll be able to

bring this sensual self -awareness into your relationship with your partner.

Once you can bring yourself to orgasm you'll probably want to go on and share

things with your partner.

Most women find that the whole experience is generally more satisfying

produces different orgasmic feelings than when they're on their own.

If you can climax alone, but have difficulty with him, you'll first have

discover whether it's a psychological barrier or a physical one.

Some women are shy, embarrassed, or inhibited about having orgasms with

lover.

The paradox is being able to relax enough mentally to allow your sexual

levels to increase to the point of orgasmic release.

Sometimes, just having a sufficient amount of alcohol would allow you to

enough to have an orgasm.

Start by learning to be uninhibited about your own desires and sexuality

your partner.

Some things to work on are being able to talk sexily to him.

Tell him what turns you on and things you know turn him on.

Maybe share some of your fantasies with him.

Act sexily in front of him.

Some women say being watched by their man as they caress themselves with their

fingers or vibrator is really arousing.

It's likely to be a turn -on for him, too, and he can learn a lot about how

like to be aroused.

Let yourself go.

Lose yourself in your fantasy.

Try, once you're getting close to orgasm, to make the noises of orgasm

Sometimes the act of letting go vocally can trigger your whole climax.

Good sex means helping one another to get real pleasure out of it.

If the problem is his technique, either what he doesn't or can't yet do, or what

he does wrongly, believing that you like it, you'll have to guide and retrain

him.

Improving his technique may take time and patience.

Whatever worked for him with other women, he needed to become aware that

were the only expert on your arousal.

and that every woman is unique in what turns her on.

It may be hard to tell a lover that he's not good in bed, and it takes a lot of

tact and affection to make your comments positive and helpful, not simply

negative and hurtful.

You might find, though, that your honesty allows him to open up too.

The best way to train him without being counterproductive is undoubtedly by

gently showing him what you do like, rather than complaining about what you

don't.

The first thing is to make sure that he knows all your erogenous zones.

It may be that you love your ears being kissed, your neck nibbled, or your

nipples sucked.

Indeed, some women can reach orgasm by these methods alone.

When the time comes for more intimate caressing, take his hand and lightly

maneuver his fingers to exactly where you like them best, letting him follow

your lead in the right pressure, speed, and so on.

Reinforce what he gets right with sounds and whispers of pleasure.

Move on to encouraging him to find your G -spot and learning how to stimulate

it.

The trouble is that the G -spot can be difficult for a woman herself to get to.

Your difficulty, though, is your partner's opportunity, so get him to

see what works for you.

The G -spot is located halfway up the front wall of the vagina and is best

stimulated by a sort of come -here motion.

At first... the sensations may be strange and your man will need to be

persistent and get a lot of guidance from you.

Adding clitoral stimulation with his other hand can create a level of arousal

and orgasms that many women say they can experience in no other way.

Another comfortable position for G -spot stimulation is this one.

Your partner is now free to stroke your vaginal wall with his finger pads face

down.

This can be a nice starting position if you feel shy.

Other areas in the vagina can also be highly arousing and strengthen orgasms.

Experiment with caressing the cervix.

This can be very effective for some, though others find such stimulation

completely off -putting.

At the sides of the vagina is where the ovaries lie.

Get him gently to explore the effects of stroking either side.

Once again, some women say that this is actually unpleasant, so take it gently.

Try getting him to give you oral sex.

Many women find this the warmest, wettest and most intimate form of sex

route to the most overwhelming climaxes.

One of the fartiest ways for me to come, and definitely one of the best, is when

he gives me oral sex and plays with me at the same time.

I actually find giving oral sex a great turn -on for me, but I'm not sure about

receiving it.

Oral sex.

the most exquisite way of reaching orgasm. Having Michael licked and sucked

one of the most intense experiences and it makes that whole area wonderfully

sensitive.

You can guide his actions quite a bit by positioning his mouth where you want

and holding his head closer or further away to get just the right pressure.

But lovemaking involves both partners, and its best rewards come from shifting

the spotlight back and forth between you.

Witnessing your partner's arousal will itself be highly arousing for you.

Switching between you allows joint responsibility and delight in one

pleasure, until the final moments of orgasm when each becomes deliciously

in their own feelings.

If climaxing with your partner inside you is difficult, it's probably worth

taking the pressure off trying for orgasm through penetrative sex and

concentrating on getting your orgasm through masturbation.

An obvious way of ensuring you do reach an orgasm is for you to be stimulated to

climax before penetration.

As only about one in five women come with penetrative sex alone, it's wrong

assume that penis and vagina movement by itself should produce an orgasm for a

woman as it does for a man.

The vast majority of us also need stimulation of the clitoris during

if we are to come at all, let alone have a really good orgasm.

Learning to have orgasms during penetration takes some couples years to

This lateral position can be an excellent learning arrangement Relax and

let him masturbate you or do it yourself as he penetrates you Like this you can

get used to having an orgasm with him inside There

is no one particular lovemaking position

guaranteed to ensure better orgasms though different ones do allow increased

stimulation of different areas.

Being on top yourself will certainly allow you more control in terms of

rhythm, intensity of clitoral stimulation and the degree of

It also allows you to interact with your lover face to face.

There's something really exciting about being able to look down on him. I can

watch his face and his excitement.

For me to be in control and see the pleasure I'm giving is a special turn

Man on top position restricts your ability to set the pace.

But despite what many say of the much maligned missionary position, the

on the clitoris, created between the two pubic bones, can provide quite a lot of

stimulation. A more advanced version, which gives a lot of general clitoral

stimulation without fingers, is this clitoral alignment technique, CAT as

known.

If deep penetration turns you on best, then you might find something like this

works well.

You can control the depth by positioning your legs.

The more you draw them back, the deeper the penis goes in.

If the G -spot is your favourite trigger, then a rear entry position will

greatly help.

It's penis on G -spot that really brings me off.

It sounds strange, but sometimes a lover's unselfish concern to give me

foreplay has been the problem.

All I want to do is to get him inside me.

When you come to the magical moment of orgasm, though, it helps to find a

comfortable position that allows you to enjoy it and go with the spasms to the

fullest. You can alternate going for your or his orgasm first.

My lover just lies still on top of me after he's finished, stroking me gently

till I have my climax.

I love the way he goes on sharing it with me, because if he pulled away just

I was getting there, I think I'd go mad with frustration.

Many men find orgasm pleasantly tiring, and don't seem to have the stamina to go

on and bring their lover to orgasm once they've ejaculated.

You could take a stand on this and insist, or if he can't or won't, you

use his body or hand or your own to finish yourself off.

The main thing when exploring the secrets of orgasms together is to keep

mind and be honest with one another about what you both want and need.

Although it would be great if an understanding and sympathetic lover

instinctively knew what we wanted, this is not usually the case, especially

early on in a relationship.

It's worth being a bit courageous to let him know what you like, and if he cares

about you, he'll enjoy helping you to get there.

Try doing the same for him in return.

This sort of sexual equality can make things feel very good indeed, and can

help enrich your relationship.

If by now, with or without the help of this program, you're experiencing good

orgasms, then you're ready to go for something even better.

How we get our best orgasms varies a great deal between lovemaking sessions

between individuals.

But one thing is true for all of us.

Taking time to explore, being honest about what we like and don't like, and

being creative will give us the best chances.

Of course, different things appeal to different people.

So don't be too surprised if parts of this section seem a bit silly, unerotic

unlikely for you personally as a couple.

Try to think of it as a sort of menu from which you can pick and choose as

expand your horizons and go for gold.

A good starting point is to enhance the pleasures you get on your own.

Raising your personal levels of arousal and sexual satisfaction is worthwhile in

itself, just for you.

This will almost inevitably also benefit your relationship with your lover.

For most of us, the richest orgasmic experiences are to be had in the

of our lover.

Indeed, many people claim that their partner's arousal is their biggest turn

-on.

Whilst it's true that some men think only of their own pleasure, on the

most are anxious to please their lover.

Was it good for you?

Most really care.

Of course, both partners will gain a lot more pleasure by giving each other

maximum feedback.

As a general rule, most lovers combine greater pleasure simply by prolonging

time they take over sex.

Longer foreplay is particularly important for the woman to ensure that

fully aroused.

This will give her the best chance of an orgasm and make her climaxes more

forceful and longer -lasting.

During actual sex, the vagina should not be treated merely as a passive

receptacle for a hard -working penis.

You can use your pelvic muscle to arouse your man, caress him, and even bring

him to orgasm.

You can milk his penis.

contracting your muscles on it as he withdraws at each stroke, then relaxing

he enters you again.

And when you climax, these muscles will contract more strongly, making your

orgasm almost as pleasurable for him as it is for you.

You can bring about more intense orgasms in your man by taking him to the brink

of orgasm and then pulling him back a number of times before allowing him to

ejaculate.

Some women are capable of multiple orgasms, with extra stimulation.

They're not, of course, compulsory. More is by no means necessarily better.

Sometimes men, too, can have more than one orgasm in quick succession, but this

is rare in the over -twenties.

Simultaneous orgasms can be experienced regularly only by couples very sexually

attuned to each other.

If both of you are relaxed, confident and capable of indicating through words

and touch your rising levels of excitement, then your individual arousal

can be synchronized.

Certainly, the pleasure created by the joint spasms of a dual climax are one

clear example of hitting gold.

In seeking new ways to enhance your orgasms, there's a range of activities

whilst not attractive for every couple, are worth knowing about, so that you

have a greater choice.

Quickie sex, for example, takes a lot of beating from any couple.

Although most women say that their best orgasms occur after prolonged love play,

and when they're very wet, I often hear stories of mind -blowing orgasm brought

about by near -impenetration, if both are crazy for one another.

Being really forceful can create high levels of arousal and superb orgasms for

some.

Sometimes, a woman's best orgasms occur when her partner is being exceptionally

dominating.

And some men say that when their woman takes control, they feel extremely

excited.

Work out together how you can shift this balance of initiative and dominance

between you.

I've also heard men say that being very quiet, intimate, and their lover

creating a mother -like security gives them their best orgasmic experience.

All sexual arousal involves increased muscle tension, as we have seen.

A good way of enhancing this is consciously to contract your muscles

Almost any muscles can do the trick, but pelvic contraction is especially

effective.

Similarly, some men find that holding their breath as they approach orgasm can

make for better pleasure, and a few say that climaxing with a very full bladder

also increases their range of sensations.

Erotic massage is an advanced version of your self -pleasuring exercises and

involves both you and your partner.

All the knowledge and skills learnt alone can now be applied towards

responses together.

The aim now is to stimulate those areas that produce the very best levels of

arousal.

Oil, plain or scented, adds to the mood.

and creates whole new sensations for both giver and receiver.

Massage each other all over the abdomen and chest.

Both may find their nipples particularly responsive.

The genitals themselves are, of course, the biggest pleasure centers, but the

creative lover who's going for gold explores all around the area, paying

attention to the perineum, that bridge of sensitive skin behind the genitals.

This kind of erotic massage can lead to tremendous orgasms.

Erotica and sex toys can help increase levels of arousal, and for some, develop

their sexual imaginations.

There's a vast range of toys available by mail order and from sex shops.

We've already looked at vibrators.

Their cousin, the dildo, is simply a more penis -shaped and latex -covered

version of the same thing.

Dildos are useful if a woman wants to feel filled up during masturbation, or

or your partner can use one when making love.

Their size may seem alarming, but be bold when choosing one and go for a

one than you think likely.

Having your vagina somewhat stretched usually produces more pleasure.

Another device to stimulate the vagina and enhance orgasm is this set of

or vaginal love balls.

They're weighted and move about inside you, bringing a thrill to such ordinary

tasks as doing the shopping or walking to work.

Many people, though, find them simply uncomfortable and disappointing.

This device is a cock ring.

Fitted around the base of the penis, it allows the organ to engorge but little

blood to flow away.

This produces a bigger erection.

Be careful never to use one that's too tight or difficult to remove or you

end up a very embarrassed casualty patient.

This is supposed to be a clitoral stimulator.

Ingenious though it looks, many couples who use them find them uncomfortable and

disappointing. It's usually better for one or other of you to use fingers.

Fancy condoms, some incorporating supposed clitoral and cervical

are currently in vogue.

They seem to be better for a laugh, though, than for sexual effect.

Obviously intended for fun are these flavoured condoms. You could play lick

guess safely.

Or, with a safe partner, try the flavours direct without the condom.

Using food to increase pleasure can be fun as well as tasty.

Things such as yoghurt, fromage frais, honey, very sticky.

can provide tactile as well as oral sensations that can heighten the sensual

experience.

Fromage frais is just perfect.

Delicious for licking off the penis and not too sweet and gooey.

Erotic underwear is loved by some and laughed at by others.

Baths, posing pouches, flick -crotch panties, and all the silk, satin,

leather and fur materials that they come in may just tickle your fancy.

So may simple water.

Orgasms in the bath or shower are often guaranteed to bring about that extra

frisson. A guaranteed way of getting a big O is with my partner in the shower

with creative use of the shower head.

Flipping all over one another can have a certain je ne sais quoi.

Tantric sexual practices have recently become popular in the West.

Originating from ancient, secret, occult practices of Hinduism and Buddhism,

they have much to say about conserving orgasmic energy in order to boost the

spiritual side of lovemaking.

Oceanic sex, as it's been called, is a playful flow and exchange of energies

resembling a dance.

The idea is to experience blissful unity with one's partner.

Focusing on the spiritual rather than simply physical side of orgasm has a lot

to recommend it.

As we've seen, fantasies are crucial to stimulating your most powerful sex

organs, the brain.

But one way to really give viz to your sex life is to share fantasies and

possibly even to act them out.

For instance, a common female fantasy is to risk being seen naked.

You could simply leave off your underwear and ensure your lover gets the

flash, or go further and, say, spend a whole afternoon shopping together with

you wearing nothing more than a coat and shoes.

If you act out fantasies at home, how about videoing them?

you might find your own X -rated movies more erotic than many of the taggy

commercially available kinds.

Allied to the Alfresco peep show is making love in different and sometimes

dangerous places.

What this lacks in comfort can be more than compensated for by the excitement

and intensity it produces.

As we've seen, orgasms are a complex and subtle business.

Good enough climaxes are available to anyone who takes the time and trouble to

learn about their body and its responses.

Really great orgasms, though, often involve sharing at a soul -to -soul

with your lover.

So, the more you develop not only the physical side of your love life, but

the whole relationship between you, the more you'll enrich your orgasms.

Our best orgasms occur when we abandon ourselves to authenticity and

Sometimes it'll be wild, raunchy and athletic sex that turns us on best.

And on other occasions, tender, quiet and gentle lovemaking.

That'll be most fulfilling.

Real communication in a long -term relationship by a creative couple

to fidelity, openness, and inventiveness can develop on parallel depths of trust

and understanding.

This, in turn, brings about levels of eroticism well beyond anything possible

casual sex.

We hope that this lover's guide will be a source of enhancement and joy to you

as an individual and to you both as a couple.

For most men, from the very start of their sexual lives, orgasm is seen as

be -all and end -all of erotic activity.

Throughout initial forays into masturbation and early relationships,

aim, after getting aroused of course, is to ejaculate.

It's only later that most of us realise how many other pleasures, physical,

spiritual and emotional, there can be in lovemaking.

Another misunderstanding is that orgasms are simply a genital sensation and that

they remain much the same whether produced by masturbation or making love.

But there are things that you can do to make your climaxes more pleasurable,

longer lasting and more intense experiences, both for yourself and your

This lover's guide is also for those who worry about their ability to produce an

erection on cue, for others who would like to prolong the experience for their

own or their partner's pleasure, and for yet others who are keen to try new

ideas to make their sex lives more exciting and arousing.

As with anything else, making things better takes time, knowledge and

commitment. In this most powerful and exquisite area of human experience,

though, the rewards can be well worth the investment.

The male orgasm, unlike its female equivalent, plays an integral part in

human reproductive process.

Both women and men have muscular spasms when they climax, but for the male, it's

during his orgasm when the semen is actually pumped out of the penis.

Very few men are incapable of cumming and nearly always ejaculate during sex.

No one really needs to ask them, did you come?

The problems men do have with orgasms, though, are usually either to do with

coming too soon, or difficulties in achieving or maintaining an erection to

begin with.

It may be because of the role of the male orgasm in the reproductive process

that men generally can and do come quickly, whereas women usually take much

longer.

This time difference is one of the major causes of frustration between lovers.

Whilst in purely reproductive terms this difference is irrelevant, when it comes

to mutual pleasure, it's the cause of many problems and misunderstandings.

A man needs to learn to delay his orgasm or spend time on other forms of

arousing his partner if she's to reach a climax during intercourse.

So what is an orgasm, biologically at least?

Firstly, the penis becomes erect because blood is pumped into its spongy tissue

and restricted from flowing away.

From being a floppy urination system, it now becomes a stiff organ, ready to

deliver semen deep into a woman's body.

The head, or glands, particularly where it meets the shaft, contains a web of

nerve ends.

Continuing friction on these by hand, mouth, Vagina, or whatever, will usually

bring a male to climax.

Sometimes, a few drops of pre -ejaculatory fluid will be produced.

As arousal increases, the heart rate rises from its usual 70 or so beats per

minute up to double that.

A few men have a sex blush and experience increased sensitivity in

nipples.

The scrotum thickens and the testes are drawn more closely to the body.

Sweating, disproportionate to the physical exertion involved, may also

the muscles tense.

If tension continues to mount, a point of no return is reached in the process

arousal, when reflex mechanisms take over.

From three or four seconds before and during the climax itself, a man can do

nothing but go with it.

With poor control or a high level of arousal, ejaculation can occur within 30

seconds of erection.

though most men take an average of two to three minutes.

With good control, a man can delay his orgasm for a very long time.

There are three or four major contractions of the muscles at about 0

second apart, which then rapidly reduce in frequency and power.

The total amount of semen ejaculated is usually just less than a teaspoonful.

It is the rhythmic contraction of the muscles around the urethra and its walls

being stretched by the volume of semen passing through, which create the

physical pleasure of coming.

Once you've ejaculated, you may find your penis becomes very sensitive,

preventing further stimulation.

When this happens, it returns fairly quickly to its flaccid state.

Self -stimulation is of course physically harmless at any age.

Most boys at some stage learn the hard way that playing with themselves in

public is socially unacceptable.

This guilt can affect what should be a happy private pleasure.

Some may feel that their parents disapprove of their sexual activity and

masturbation can become a secretive, furtive event.

And... Just as in primeval times, when during sex the male was at his most

vulnerable, so boys learn that it's safer to ejaculate quickly.

Even if a boy doesn't actually masturbate, after puberty he'll

dreams, ejaculation during sleep.

The speed at which males climax can become a major problem when they move on

sexual relationships.

But few women climax quickly during intercourse.

So to make relationships work on the loving and sexual level, men have to go

against the ingrained experiences of biology and adolescence and learn the

of considerate lovemaking and delayed orgasm.

The male hormone testosterone, which also gives a man his aggression, creates

his need for sex as a result in adolescence his penis often seems to

of its own even

in adult

life many men are ruled by the strength of their sexual urges

Sometimes, women fail to appreciate how much their refusal can wound a man.

Equally, his hurt and anger can cause resentment in her.

A vicious circle is then all too easily established.

Some women feel under pressure from their partner to climax just to show he

made it good for them.

In order not to undermine him and to get themselves off the hook, many women

fake orgasms.

But this starts a trail of sexual dishonesty, which is frustrating for the

and can be devastating for the man if he ever has to face the truth.

It should be clear by now that male -female differences are complex, and

we're to get the best out of orgasms, we need to be aware of our biological

differences, of our background and upbringing, and of what we currently do

the state of our relationship.

Men need to try to understand their own sexual character and then to make the

effort to be in control of their own arousal as well as developing their

fully to arouse their partner.

When I masturbated in my teens it was all over very quickly.

To me that was the sex act and it took me a long time to realise how much more

there was to it than that.

It's surprising how many men complain about their partner's sexual response

yet have never really made an investment in learning about their own.

Men tend to feel that their attitude to and desire for sex represents the norm

and that their partner's desire for perhaps less but better sex is in some

odd.

In fact...

Most of us would do well to re -examine our attitudes.

Many men happily imagine that what they currently experience is the best they

are likely to have.

But this ignores the enormous potential there is in all of us for improvement.

The first time I heard that old joke about how can my wife tell I'm a bad

in two minutes, I laughed.

But inwardly I winced. That was me.

The first step is to accept ourselves, and in doing so, attempt to strengthen

our fragile male sexual ego.

For a start, some men lack confidence about their bodies.

Many men consider themselves too short, too fat, too puny, or whatever.

But most women say they're far more attracted by a man's personality than

look. Even when they do consider physical characteristics, eyes, smiles

good -looking bum come way above general physique.

One of men's biggest worries about their bodies is penis size.

According to women, though, this is relatively unimportant.

Most women say they're far more impressed by how a man treats them.

As lovers, they want to be kissed excitingly, made to feel wanted and

Even if you feel happy with your orgasms, it's always worth going back to

basics.

Why not start afresh and rediscover your erogenous responses with sensual body

exercises?

Start in the bath, and take time to discover which parts of your body feel

Some men find this task hard because they think it's a somewhat city thing to

do, but it's not, and frankly the rewards can be tremendous.

Keeping away from your genitals for the moment, explore other erotically

sensitive parts of your body.

Your nipples, for example, chest, stomach, inner thighs and forearms could

be responsive to the stroking and other facial stimuli.

Once you have experimented with these exercises, try and find out what is best

genitally, in or out of the bath.

For most men, stimulating the penis directly and having erotic thoughts is

best route to arousal.

But don't forget your balls, perineum and anal area.

This milk bottle hold is very pleasurable for most men, though others

sort of finger and thumb ring technique.

Spend a lot of time on the frenum, the little ridge of skin on the underside of

the head.

The position in which you masturbate will be personal to you.

It might vary as arousal proceeds, and also from session to session.

I can never come unless I'm upright.

It all started in my teens, when I had to come quickly at home, and I just got

into the habit.

I love to lie on my back. In fact, this is also my favourite position.

For having sex.

I love masturbating in the shower with the water pouring over my penis.

Playing the shower head over the tip just as orgasm happens can really blow

head off.

Many men go straight for a quick orgasm when they masturbate.

If this is what you usually do, try holding off for a change.

Remember your sensual exercises and stroke other parts of your body before

starting to masturbate.

Slow down the pace, or take a break and stop stimulating yourself altogether.

Try actively to hold off for as long as you can before going for orgasm.

As you become aware that you're about to ejaculate, take your fingers and thumb

like this and squeeze the penis tip hard.

This will stop your erection within a few seconds.

Once you're soft, create an erection once more and then, just before you feel

you're about to cum, stop and squeeze again.

Repeat this cycle several times so that eventually, over some weeks perhaps,

you'll be able to ejaculate only when you want to.

You can also get your partner to learn how to do business.

Another method for learning control is to make the penis very wet with

commercial lubricant, and then to repeat the process.

The wetter the penis, the more easily aroused you'll feel, so you'll need even

greater control.

If you train yourself to delay cumming for, say, 20 minutes, even when your

penis is very wet, you'll not only enhance your own orgasm, but will be

give extra pleasure to your lover.

For the very trigger -happy man, a condom can be a help.

It simply makes the penis less sensitive and allows longer stimulation before

ejaculation. At various times, and particularly as men grow older, there

difficulties in achieving a fully stiffened penis.

Sometimes an initially strong erection starts to fade, either because you're

distracted or else there is insufficient or the wrong sort of stimulation.

Because so much male sexual arousal starts in the mind, developing your

fantasies is really important.

If you can build a good selection and focus on them to the point of blanking

any negative thoughts and worries, then you'll usually be able to become

aroused.

Allow your mind the freedom to come up with images that excite you.

Learn to develop them into full -blown fantasy situations that you can get lost

in. Your fantasies belong only to you, and no one need ever know about them.

They are your tools for arousal. Don't be afraid to use them.

If you don't usually go in for fantasies, try using an erotic magazine

starting point, or read a sexy story.

As with all masturbation training, the secret is to take your time, to be

adventurous, and to keep on experimenting until you're able to

possible orgasms.

In the next section, we'll look at how a willing partner can help too.

Just as most people are coming to realise that the best sex is to be found

within a loving and committed relationship, so too does it involve

equality between partners.

I achieve greatest satisfaction when I know my partner is getting equal

pleasure. and reaches her climax.

I've only been able to get to this level of fulfillment in a long and secure

relationship.

Ideally, initiating sex, taking the lead and sharing the spotlight should be an

equal responsibility.

But men often feel that this burden in sex lies with them.

then it's up to them to ask for or suggest it.

This means opening themselves up to the lottery of acceptance or rejection.

Although most men are more quickly orgasmic than women, they're often less

together as human beings, less in tune with their own feelings, less able to

express them and less intuitive about the feelings and needs of others.

But men, too, are deeply in need of the emotional rewards of lovemaking, not

just the physical ones.

So, when we feel an urgent desire to have sex, and our partner doesn't feel

same, instead of feeling hurt and resentful at a refusal, it could well be

better to go for a chat and a cuddle.

If you are insistent with your partner, she may respond only because of the

pressure, not because she wants to.

Although it seems that you're getting what you want, it's likely to leave you

feeling guilty, dissatisfied and frustrated, let alone her.

Good lovemaking is impossible under these circumstances, and the resentment

partner feels might carry over to your life together outside the bedroom.

Good orgasms with a partner rely on the emotional give and take being as right

as the physical.

The only way to be really sure that you and your lover are sexually in tune with

one another and operating on the same wavelength is to talk and listen.

It's all too easy for men to assume that if they are having satisfying orgasms,

their partner is as well.

Women can often be too embarrassed to tell a lover it's not happening for

especially if it's a long -term problem.

Let's face it, most men can't tell the difference between a real and a fake

orgasm in a woman, and some don't even ask the question.

I used to tell myself, you can always tell, if it's been good for me, it's

good for her.

I was really shocked when after a year of sleeping together, She told me she'd

come for the first time making love with me.

If you can tell her what's good for you, it will be much easier for her to

discuss things with you.

Your verbal guidance will also reassure her that he's doing the right thing and

give her confidence.

This could easily lead into talking sexy as a turn -on in itself.

Most men find it highly arousing if their otherwise nice partner starts to

dirty during lovemaking.

I once had a girlfriend who sometimes used to say filthy things to me while we

were making love.

She used to tell me all about her favourite fantasies, which shocked me at

first, but I suppose that made it more pleasurable.

Stop it!

Most men are highly aroused by visual stimuli.

As with the fantasy images that you've worked on alone, let the sight of your

real -life lover feed your excitement in the same way.

Whether she enjoys dressing up, dressing down, acting sexy or not, you can take

delight in seeing her naked or partly clothed.

Build up the erotic responses you feel from watching her body movements, skin,

curves and hair.

Try to take added gratification from her body aromas, the feel of her skin and

the touch of her hair.

The more sensible enjoyment you can be aware of, the stronger the feelings

you'll create to be released at orgasm.

You may find that if she'll kiss, suck, hold or squeeze your nipples, this will

greatly turn you on.

Some men enjoy having their nipples gently bitten, especially at the moment

climax.

She may respond to your showing more obviously that you are turned on by her,

and then want to do the same for you.

If you think you can do it without feeling foolish, try stripping for her

while she watches.

Correct yourself in front of her.

If I slowly stroke my penis in front of her, it has a great effect.

She almost comes watching me touch myself in this way.

A few men also enjoy a vibrator on their penis, especially over the frenum.

See if it is something you would like and your lover would like to do for you.

Of course, you are the ultimate expert on your own arousal.

Being caressed while you masturbate yourself can be a huge turn -on.

If she watches you while you masturbate, your partner will also learn how you

like it to be done.

Everyone has their preferred grip, speed, pressure and so on.

Show your appreciation when she masturbates you with noises, movements

If you want her to do things differently, positive comments will give

confidence.

Watching her masturbate while you do the same can be tremendously exciting and

produces great orgasms for many men.

Most men enjoy receiving oral sex.

Indeed, many say that this is the best way they get aroused and that it

the most sensational orgasms.

It can also be wonderful visual stimulation to see your partner taking

her mouth like this.

But men do not have the absolute right to receive oral sex.

If your lover doesn't want to do this, it's unwise to demand it.

The first time wasn't actually that good, but I told her it was great.

After that, she couldn't give me enough, and now she's just brilliant.

Though often called sucking off, actual sucking is only one form of enjoyable

stimulation.

She can apply hard pressure by covering her teeth with her lips and gripping the

shaft. She can roll her tongue around the head and explore the opening.

You'll probably particularly enjoy her concentrating on the freedom, which she

can flick and strum.

Her kissing and licking your balls, even taking them gently in her mouth, is

also very pleasurable.

If she's happy for you to come in her mouth, fine.

If not, you can ejaculate outside.

If you're gentle with her, it may be something she can eventually get a taste

for.

You can use what you have learnt from each other in mutual masturbation and

sex and apply it to the famous 69 position.

Whilst this remains highly popular, it requires a degree of control you may not

want when reaching climax to make sure you don't inadvertently bite one

You might find it more enjoyable to take it in turns to climax, not try and come

together.

A man, just like a woman, has a G -spot.

The best position to find it is for him to lie on his back with his legs drawn

up.

The woman can now insert a well -lubricated finger into his anus and

his prostate gland in the front wall of the back passage.

It feels somewhat like the tip of a nose, but rather larger.

Pressing on this gland and firmly stroking it with a finger is highly

whatever you or she is doing with your penis.

But a combination of the two can be a mind -blowing experience.

Just be sure beforehand that you've washed, that she has short fingernails,

that there's plenty of lubrication.

The penis is a fickle organ that can be put off its stride very easily.

Should you suffer minor erection problems, then willingness on the part

lover to stimulate you manually and orally usually does the trick.

Even with more persistent erection difficulties, your lover can help.

The main thing is not to get into a vicious circle of worry.

Even with an unerect penis, you may be able to have sex.

By holding the shaft close to her aroused vagina, it's possible to push

floppy penis in.

Once there, it's amazing how often an erection will occur.

If not, it's actually possible for a limp or semi -erect penis to ejaculate.

If being unable to perform, having an erection and reaching a climax, is a

to you, then that very anxiety can become a significant problem.

It can all too easily happen that one night you're a little tired or have had

too much to drink and fail to get an erection.

No big deal.

But the next time, you may be tired again and fail again, and the memory of

first links with the second, and you start to associate your attempt to

with failure.

This increasing anxiety will now not just intensify your fear of failure, but

will actually create it.

If you sometimes wake up with an erection, and men spend quite a lot of a

night sleep erect, and if you're able to masturbate yourself to orgasm, then

performance failure in lovemaking is psychological, and there are ways you

help yourself.

The more you can actually do it, the more any anxieties or psychological

barriers will recede, and a positive cycle of achievement will start to build

in your mind.

Above all, don't worry.

A sexual problem isn't a problem unless one of you is unhappy.

There is no particular lovemaking position guaranteed to ensure better

The unique combination of the anatomy of you and your lover will dictate what

you both like best.

With you on top, you may find it easier to control the speed and rhythm

yourself.

But with your partner on top, you may find you enjoy giving over control to

For some men, this brings about their best orgasms.

I sometimes feel a bit odd about her being in control when she's on top. But

love to be able to play with her boobs and watch her face.

And seeing her go up and down on my prick is a real talent.

Lying on your side is another good position in which you can see and

with your lover face to face while still being able to control the thrust.

Many men say that deep penetration especially turns them on and results in

orgasms.

If this applies to you, try this.

You can both control the depth by the position of her legs.

The more they are drawn back, the deeper you'll be able to go.

Try it with her legs over your shoulders if she can manage it.

Doggy positions are also good for deep penetration.

You are also in complete control of rhythm and speed, but be careful not to

her by thrusting too deeply.

Few women climax from penis and vagina thrusting without additional clitoral

stimulation.

So it makes sense to alternate between your favourite positions and those which

your partner finds to be the most stimulating.

You could try to bring her to orgasm first, thereby taking the pressure off

to keep going on for longer than you may want.

The main thing when exploring the secrets of better orgasms together is to

ways of communicating with one another about what turns you on.

The more you can let her know what you need, whilst demonstrating how much you

care about her feelings and pleasure, the more she'll enjoy helping you.

This kind of sexual togetherness, as it blossoms in openness, honesty and trust,

can only help deepen and enrich your relationship.

And, as you grow in the fulfilment of your own needs, you will be growing as a

couple.

Many couples enjoy adding to their excitement by playing games of various

It could be said that all love play between two people is a sort of game,

which both know the rules and agree to abide by them.

My boyfriend's really into sex games, but I must admit I always thought he was

bit tacky. But once or twice I agreed to go along with him, and I must say it

can be a turn -on.

Dressing up games must be one of the most popular.

When you think about it, in everyday life we all play dressing games, for

for parties and so on.

In a sexual relationship, these dressing up games can take many forms.

You can go for theatrical costumes if you like, doctors, nurses, vicars and

nuns, butlers and French maids, or whatever takes your fancy.

Part of the fun of dressing up is, of course, subsequent undressing.

A more formal striptease can be great if you are both in the mood.

It's a good opportunity to show off.

Sexy underwear can be a real turn -on for both partners.

Erotic massage is the really arousing version of sensual and relaxing massage.

Let yourselves go with talcum powder, oil or anything that allows you to rub

your bodies all over one another.

Anything goes in heightening the pleasure for both of you.

Massage each other all over the areas that produce the very best sensations.

The genitals themselves are of course the biggest pleasure center, but the

creative lover teases and explores all around the area, including the perineum,

that bridge of sensitive skin behind the genitals.

This kind of erotic massage can be the starter in a wonderful lovemaking

and lead on to tremendous orgasms.

Seduction games always come near the top of the list of really good ways to

arouse one another.

Games in which one makes the other do whatever is commanded can be a real turn

-off.

When he has done exactly what he is told, she rewards him with sex, having

him wait for it.

Bondage is also something many couples find arousing.

Do ensure, though, in any tying up games, that nothing is put around the

nothing restricts breathing, and that you are very clear about signals when to

stop.

I never thought I'd enjoy being tied up, but we were mucking about one day and

she tied my wrists and ankles.

I don't know why, but it was just great being powerless for a change.

It used to be said that such games were more of a turn -on for men, but this

isn't the case.

Many women are very aroused even by the thought of having this kind of fun with

their man.

Many people say that seeing their partner this uninhibited really excites

Of course, if a sexy game doesn't increase pleasure, then it's not worth

playing.

If one of you is shy or embarrassed, it could take some time to get used to the

high levels of arousal these games can produce.

Their supposed naughtiness can put people off, but it shouldn't.

Start gently with whatever game you decide to try, and build up to become

adventurous as you both discover what you like.

At first we just started talking about sexy games, you know, sort of sharing

fantasies. But then we thought maybe trying out the real thing would be even

more fun.

And it was.

Be guided by your feelings and those of your lover, and you won't go far wrong.

Such games are harmless fun, and as long as they don't become an obsession,

they'll simply enhance your sexual pleasure and enjoyment.

Fancy condoms, some incorporating supposed clitoral and cervical

are currently in vogue.

They seem to be better for a laugh, though, than for sexual effect.

Obviously intended for fun are these flavoured condoms. You could play lick

guess safely.

Or with a trusted partner, try the flavours direct without the condom.

I think fromage frais is brilliant because it's not too sweet or sticky.

Using food to increase pleasure can be fun as well as tasty.

Foods such as yogurt, fromage frais and honey, very sticky, can all provide

tactile as well as oral sensations that can heighten the sensual experience.

Slightly melting ice cubes are a less messy alternative.

Try trailing them slowly over your partner's naked body.

When he runs ice cubes across my skin, especially my nipples, it really turns

on and I get shivers all over.

There is now a vast array of sex toys, available by mail order and from sex

shops, which you may enjoy experimenting with together.

The dildo is a more penis -shaped, latex -covered, non -vibrating version of the

vibrator, and is great for those women who enjoy the sensation of something

inside them during masturbation or foreplay with their partner.

Another stimulating device is this set of love balls.

Inserted in the vagina, they can bring a thrill to such activities as walking to

the station or doing the housework.

This is a cock ring.

It fits around the base of the penis.

It allows the penis to fill with blood, but restricts blood outflow, resulting

in a larger than average erection.

Be careful not to fit it too tightly, though.

Or you might end up a very embarrassed casualty patient.

This rather interesting looking device is a clitoral stimulator.

Most women who have tried them say they are rather more uncomfortable than

stimulating. But see what you think.

Many couples enjoy using their camcorder to video their sessions.

They say it's extremely erotic performing for the camera.

and that watching their activities later on is much more exciting than any X

-rated film could be.

But sex isn't just a bodily experience.

It often starts in and is usually maintained by the mind.

People are sometimes ashamed or guilty about the raunchiness of their private

sexual fantasies.

The truth is we all use fantasy in our love lives, even if we only do so

unconsciously.

Improving the quality and excitement of your fantasies can help develop your sex

life.

I think people probably are afraid of discussing fantasies because they think

one else has thoughts like them.

I love to hear what his fantasies are, as long as he goes gently at first.

I used to worry that he'd actually want to act them out, but now I know that

that's not what it's about, and we just use them as a turn -on.

The level of anyone's arousal can be vastly increased just by switching to a

better fantasy.

In pacing sex, if you want to try to come together, Either person can often

bring themselves to a higher state of arousal by thinking of a particularly

exciting fantasy.

But never share a fantasy that you think might offend or hurt your partner.

Whether or not you eventually choose to have fun acting out any of your

fantasies will be up to you of course.

But just because we share something in this way doesn't mean that we have to do

it in real life.

If I fantasize or she fantasizes, we're not scared to ask each other or act it

out.

As long as we're not harming anyone and as long as we're both enjoying it,

what's the problem?

Don't be afraid to try out new things together, but don't take it too

Included here are only a handful of suggestions for spicing up your

sessions.

The most important thing is that you have fun while trying any of them out.

In today's world, it's very rare that the first person you have a relationship

with will become a lifelong partner.

Conversely, many so -called stable relationships end with amicable or not

-amicable separations.

Some people prefer not to have emotional ties at all, drifting in and out of

purely physical relationships for much of their lives.

Whatever the reason for being single and whatever state of mind you might be in

during that time, there comes a moment when a potential relationship blossoms.

When this is between two people who are attracted to each other, it's probable

that sex will come high on the agenda.

This might be on a first date or after quite a time of courtship.

Whatever the circumstances,

make sure it's what you want and not what you feel you should be doing.

Saying no will not harm your chances of an ongoing relationship unless you're

saying no to an uncaring person.

When the time to make love for the first time arrives, it's bound to be a bit

nerve -wracking.

But provided it's what you both want, you should be able to overcome any tense

moment.

Don't forget you are totally new to each other physically, so it's probably wise

not to raise your expectations too high.

With anyone who seems at all likely to become an ongoing lover, it makes sense

to go gently towards intercourse.

By dashing headlong into sex, we miss out on a whole phase of courtship.

Some people, even today, still fall in love too easily.

confusing love with lust.

This can often be an unconscious way of giving themselves permission to have sex

when otherwise they might not.

Those who are looking only for a good time usually just want sex, not a

meaningful relationship.

If this is honestly agreed between two adults, then who is to say it's wrong?

Problems occur, though, when one person has a different view.

For example, one of you could be hoping that things might develop further,

whilst the other may only be out for simple sex, and might even have a

partner elsewhere.

Obviously, in an age of AIDS and the need for safe sex, the man must wear a

condom so as to reduce the chances of giving or receiving a sexually

disease.

It's very important.

It's just not worth throwing your life away over a one -night stand.

It frightens me very much that there are people out there that carry on

regardless.

The best precaution you can take is for you to stay monogamous for three to four

months, and then both have an AIDS test.

Condoms help protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases,

including AIDS.

Putting them on as part of foreplay can be fun, not a big issue.

Always use a new one and ensure it's undamaged.

Roll it over the penis when it's erect.

and be sure that the condom is securely on before any genital contact.

As you withdraw the penis after sex, hold the base of the condom so that no

semen is spilled.

Unprotected oral contact with one another's genitals can be risky as the

virus and other infections can be spread in body fluids.

especially if you have ulcers or sores in your mouth or have recently brushed

your teeth producing tiny abrasions on your gums.

Another precaution available is the female condom. This relatively recent

invention is a highly effective barrier to sperm, like the male sheath.

It's worn internally by the woman and gives a very high level of protection

against all sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV and AIDS.

Ideally, the whole issue of contraception should be discussed well

start to make love.

Most men are sensible enough to take precautions and so use a condom anyway.

Provided both parties are completely willing, sex within the context of a new

relationship should be gloriously enjoyable.

Both partners are keen to please and be pleased, and if the relationship

continues then these are the times which should set the pattern for the great

things to come.

Sex plays an important part in most people's lives.

For the vast majority of people, it's an intensely enjoyable and meaningful

experience, particularly if it's with someone to whom they have a strong

emotional attachment.

We all owe it to ourselves to ensure that sex remains enjoyable throughout

whole of our lives.

Often, though, as we have seen, Many people, for a variety of reasons, let

drop down on their list of priorities, until, in some cases, it becomes non

-existent.

Naturally, we can't be having actual sex all the time, even in the best of

relationships. But we can make love to our partner, in the broadest sense, for

much of our lives together.

Of course.

There are many pressures which prevent us from doing everything we want.

But with only a little time and effort, sex can be an area we continually try to

improve. And if we work at making love like this, actual lovemaking together

only get better.

If you want to take things further, look at the other programs in the Lover's

Guide series and find the right one for you.

Hopefully, though, this essential lover's guide has given you food for

and plenty of ideas to help you improve your loving life with your partner.

I think a good sexual relationship has got to be based on honesty and trust and

communication. And if you're madly in love, then it's brilliant.

The thing is, I got lazy with all the women I had before.

It came in the end, and I thought they were okay.

Guess I was a bit insensitive.

Well, most of the blokes I've known seem to think that sex is some sort of race

that they have to get through as quickly as possible.

i feel much greater pleasure just from knowing that she's enjoying herself as

much as i am this has always got better and better as our

relationship has gone on our aim in this and the other programs is to open up

the subject of sex to encourage people to talk about it and hopefully to gain a

benefit from doing so

Images are explicit, but they only portray things which, to most people,

intimate, important and intensely pleasurable part of their lives.

Because everyone is so different, the program can only give a general view.

You may not agree with everything that is said, or feel that all the sections

are relevant to you.

But whatever age or stage you are at in a relationship, or whether you are

between relationships, the Essential Lovers Guide should have something to

offer.

Everybody at some stage in their life will probably experience the intense

excitement of a new relationship.

Those first few months can create a multitude of feelings from sheer panic

high elation as each person gets to know the other both emotionally and

physically.

Often, if the individuals get on well together, this first flush can extend

a long period of time.

and form the basis of a strong and lasting relationship.

Conversely, it's at this stage that most relationships fail, or one or both

realise they have too little in common and decide they don't have a future

together.

During this formative stage, communication is very important.

Openness about one's likes and dislikes and a willingness to talk freely about

one's feelings can set important precedents as habits and attitudes

clear.

At some stage, one or both people will start to look ahead.

It may now become obvious that one partner wants more commitment than the

is willing or able to give.

This is a time when it makes sense to be honest with each other so that the

position is clear.

This can be difficult because it probably means sacrificing short -term

happiness to prevent long -term unhappiness.

However, once both sides make a commitment, the relationship usually

deeper and more involved.

This may last for only a couple of months, several years, or a lifetime.

Sexually, this period can often be less frenetic than the first flush.

But it can be a time for reaching a whole new level of intimacy.

Instead of settling into habits, try to be more adventurous.

I think you shouldn't be scared to experiment.

Then you don't get staler in a rut.

You should always keep that spark and excite your partner.

Discover what you both like best in terms of adventurous sex, positions, sex

toys and so on.

By doing this, you'll maximize your range of possibilities for the future

however as with all human behavior

there will inevitably be ups and downs even if your relationship is going well

it may be that one partner will find it hard to be faithful if this is a serious

problem it's perhaps better to end the relationship there and then while some

people want to have their cake and eat it It is unwise to be unfaithful with

the deceit and risks that this involves.

Some couples do get stuck in a rut, though.

They find it difficult to make any real commitment, but equally difficult to

split up.

If this limbo phase goes on too long, bring matters to a head by talking it

through.

As a relationship matures, many other factors apart from mutual attraction

into play.

Work and children are just two examples.

Children are, of course, a major commitment for life.

We cannot get divorced from them. They rely on the relationship of their

or another supportive couple.

Long -standing relationships can create a richness and depth that only time can

bring. A true partnership.

Many couples, though, find that at this stage their relationship can get into a

mid -term crisis, the rocky years.

They admit that their sex life just hasn't retained that sparkle of earlier

times, even though other aspects of the relationship may be fine.

For others, sex is good, but the partnership has little else going for

For most, though, a sense of solid commitment deepens and enriches the

relationship.

Sex is still rewarding and when the children leave home, a new chapter of

and emotional enjoyment opens up for them.

People can underestimate just how difficult it is to keep a relationship

Most people think that once the initial attraction is there, then everything

else will somehow follow naturally.

A relationship has to be nurtured if it's going to survive and flourish.

But the pressures of life are often such that it's the last thing we take proper

care of.

A couple's sex life can often be one of the best indicators of the state of

their relationship.

Sex is really communication.

It's a way of talking to each other.

The eternal question is whether or not it's possible to maintain a strong

element of sexual pleasure and reward for the same partner for 10, 20, 30 or

more years.

Our attraction for one another may be expressed differently over the years,

physical sex between two people who feel deeply for each other can stay as good

as it always was.

In some cases it can get even better, as the purely physical attraction is

enhanced by deeper emotional maturity and commitment.

Being able to talk openly and freely to one another, particularly when problems

arise, is the key to a good sex life.

If you're close enough to actually make love then you should be close enough to

talk about it.

If you try and do it without talking then you're just looking for trouble.

This may well be easier said than done.

When it comes to sex and emotions, people often find it difficult to talk

openly. This is both because of the subject itself and because of how it

affect their partner's feelings.

It helps greatly to say how we feel and, perhaps more importantly, learn how to

listen to our partner.

This might mean putting your own thoughts to one side for the moment.

Understanding.

and letting your partner know you understand what they are really feeling

saying is vital to the communication process.

Once you can both trust each other to talk freely and listen to what's being

said, you'll have taken a big step towards forging a happier and more

relationship.

Keeping the excitement and pleasure of the physical side of a relationship

also takes imagination, creativity,

People tend to think that extra special care and effort is only necessary at the

beginning of a relationship.

All too often, early romantic habits fall by the wayside as the relationship

becomes established and more settled.

This, combined with the pressures of work commitments or a family, often

in a couple becoming lazy about the amount of quality time they spend

As a result, their intimate lives fall short of what they would like.

Well, my first marriage really flunked because we became total strangers.

Now my new girlfriend and I talk a lot, and as long as we keep on being open

like this, I can't see this relationship really going wrong.

However, An investment of time and attention, despite the pressures, can

most problems in the bud.

Couples who do manage to spend quality time together tend to be happier, both

emotionally and sexually.

Romancing your partner can take many forms, and however small the gesture,

usually the thought which counts.

Knowing someone truly cares for you, in whatever little way they may outwardly

show it, is really important in any relationship.

Set aside regular times together, even if it's only an arranged evening in or a

shared lunch break.

Take time to talk and listen to one another.

Keep up the romance in your relationship.

Send sexy letters or flowers, just when your partner least expects them.

Take every opportunity to be physical with each other.

Recreate those courtship days when hand -holding and constant contact were the

norm.

Even if it's just something as simple as stroking my hand, it can drive me

crazy.

That's weird, isn't it?

However, just like anything else in a relationship, sex should never be taken

for granted.

Even couples who perceive they have a good sex life always have room for

and improvement, and often in ways they never imagined.

If both partners feel secure and confident with each other, then it's

likely that their sex life will reflect this.

Make time for each other, even if it's only a couple of hours to have a

seriously sexy time.

Anticipation can be increased by telling your lover of the plans you have to

seduce them later.

I love it when she calls me at work and tells me how she can't wait to be with

me.

It makes me feel great.

Try not to leave sex until you go to bed at night.

Tiredness can put a stop to physical activity very quickly.

If you have time during the day, take the opportunity and make the most of it.

Occasionally, go even further.

Take a whole day off or go away together for a weekend or more.

One of the best times for great sex is on holiday.

Getting away together is best.

then we can really enjoy ourselves in a way that we never can at home.

Once you have managed to put aside some time and have found a private place, few

things are more erotic than stripping each other slowly.

Stripping for one another can be an art in itself.

Take things slowly, but not too seriously.

Remember to leave the best bit till last.

By this time, you'll probably find that you won't be able to keep your hands off

one another.

At home or at a hotel, don't rush straight to bed but have a lingering

shower.

Soap each other all over.

Dry one another and pamper each other with talc or oils.

I find it ever so erotic to be gently stroked.

I like him licking me and stroking me and he likes to stroke me and I love it.

Why not try massage as a way of relaxing each other as well as seducing one

another?

The very act builds trust in a way almost nothing else can.

You'll both come to feel completely relaxed when naked in each other's

Massage is also a way of giving and receiving love and pleasure without the

pressure to have sex.

The thing I like about massage, it's one of the few ways that we can feel that

close and loving and yet not have to go on to have sex if we don't want to.

Make sure you're both warm and comfortable and that the person being

lying on a flat surface.

The main thing to remember is to keep your hands in constant contact with your

partner's body.

Take your time and maintain a slow, soothing, rhythmic flow.

Above all, enjoy discovering from one another what feels best.

Quite often when I start out, I don't feel at all turned on, especially if I'm

tired.

But after a while and when we're relaxed, I often feel much better about

love.

Take some food and wine to bed.

Eating and drinking like this can spark off all sorts of interesting activities.

Talk sexily to each other.

There are few people who don't get turned on by hearing their partner

sexily to them.

especially about what they would like to do to them.

And if you're both happy about it, try it out later.

Keep up this enhancement of your sex life, whether you're at home or away.

And remember, it can be a much more erotic experience when you let yourself

and act spontaneously.

Whilst an enormous amount is written and said about interacting with one's

partner, it's also very important that we are happy and confident about our own

selves and bodies.

So often a good sex life can be spoiled because one or both partners are

embarrassed about their body.

I think you have to like your body and love your body to appreciate anybody

else's. You can't expect someone to love your body if you don't.

If you have confidence in yourself when you're undressed, I think the actual

aura you give off does help.

Obviously, the way we perceive ourselves differs enormously depending on our

circumstances throughout life.

So much pressure is put on both sexes to be good -looking that it's very easy to

lose confidence.

This can be a particular problem if one partner is overly critical of anything

about the other.

Nature has designed things such that we come in all different shapes and sizes.

True self -acceptance means taking a delight in the things we like and being

prepared to live with those that can't be changed.

It's really worth taking care of your body, particularly as you get older.

Like anything, this will take time and effort, but you owe it to both yourself

and your partner not to let yourself go.

We do like to look nice for each other.

Definitely.

Accepting ourselves also means acknowledging that we have sexual needs,

individually and with a partner.

Keeping in touch with your own body and sexual responses is both worth doing and

enjoyable, even if you are in a happy relationship.

It's often as important to make special times to pamper yourself as it is to

pamper your partner.

This can be done easily and simply.

It's relaxing, enhances your feelings of self -worth and prepares you for

telling a partner what you like.

Try having a long bath or shower.

Use the time to rediscover parts of your body which are erotically sensitive.

Your nipples, for example, chest, stomach, inner thighs and forearms may

responsive to touching and stroking.

Try doing the same using baby oil or talc in the bedroom.

I was quite surprised when I first tried it.

I realized that I'd never taken time to think what I really liked.

That's why I never knew what to say when my boyfriend asked me what I wanted him

to do.

This self -pampering often leads to masturbation, particularly if you let

mind run riot.

But that's fine, even if you have a great sex life with your lover.

Keeping a relationship alive takes communication and effort.

Couples who are totally in tune with one another can literally make love all the

time, even if they're not doing anything overtly sexual.

No one is suggesting that maintaining a relationship is easy.

We all encounter bad times, but it will be much easier to cope with any lows and

create more high points.

if the foundations of the relationship are strong.

As a general rule, everyone's sex life can be improved simply by prolonging the

time devoted to it.

This doesn't just mean taking longer over having intercourse. It means

more time on all aspects of sexual contact with your partner.

This is particularly true for foreplay, a word that's slightly misleading

because it gives the impression that it can only come before something else.

Many couples say that they can have a great sex session without having

intercourse at all.

Certainly great pleasure can come from foreplay alone.

The longer it goes on, and the more adventurous it is, the more aroused both

lovers will become.

This can often result in spectacular orgasms, whether they are part of

itself or intercourse.

Playing around, you know, like kissing and cuddling, often that's better than

actual sex.

Well, the actual sex doesn't always turn me on as much as a good long session of

kissing and playing around.

Foreplay and non -penetrative pleasuring of this kind can start outside the

bedroom.

Kissing is an activity which we all lingered over in our teens because it

enjoyable. Yet it's something many people do less and less the longer they

in a relationship.

Kissing is an art in itself which can take many forms depending upon the mood

the moment.

I like kissing.

That's really important because it's proper contact.

Don't just kiss mouth to mouth, but draw your lips across your partner's face to

let the passion build slowly and delicately.

Try running your tongue around your partner's teeth.

French kiss for ages, concentrating on what your tongues are doing.

Gentle nibbling of your lover's lips and earlobes, bites on the neck, can be

very erotic.

Don't just restrict kissing to the face, though.

I just love it when he kisses the back of my neck. I just feel tingly all over

and it's just wonderful.

Kiss the throat, the nipples, the stomach, and then you could even go down

your partner's toes and feet.

This can be delicious to both giver and receiver.

Small sucks and bites are also very erotic.

Try wetting an area and blowing on it.

Nibble your partner's skin in places they find exciting.

Many men say that their nipples become highly sensitive if they get excited.

To be honest, my body isn't that sensitive, but when she gently bites my

nipples, it just turns me on.

Spend time gently stroking your partner's skin with a featherlike

Most people agree that it's wonderfully arousing.

Stroke all over each other's bodies.

Find out which parts are particularly sensitive and concentrate on them.

This can really build desire.

When it comes to more intimate foreplay, try to be honest and open about what

you particularly like or dislike.

Genital stimulation in particular is very personal, and lovers should take

to discover what their partner really enjoys.

I didn't used to really know what I was supposed to do with it, so I just

avoided touching it.

The top needs gentle treatment, and light tickling can be electric,

on the frenum.

the vertical ridge of skin on the underside.

If you're going to rub it a lot, use a lubricant or saliva as this will

sensation and prevent soreness.

If you want him to climax, pump down hard.

The grip can vary, but remember, it can rarely be held too tightly.

Even more arousing is really firm but slow masturbation, which will have him

squirming with pleasure.

Some men enjoy a well -lubricated finger on or actually in their anus.

Inside, it allows the woman to rub the prostate gland with the pad of a finger.

It's quite safe as long as your fingernails are short and you don't then

that same finger on your own vagina.

Some women too enjoy anal stimulation.

This index finger and thumb ring technique can be delicious as can the

hand grip with the thumb trailing over the frenum.

Other variations include rolling the penis like dough between both hands or

using one to roll it against your thigh.

Caressing the penis like this isn't just great foreplay and a way of bringing

him to orgasm. It can also help stiffen him again after he's already climaxed.

When men try to caress their partners, they sometimes don't realize how

uncomfortable or even painful it can be when done without care.

Most men need guidance at first.

It's very difficult for them to discover how to do it properly just by trial and

error.

I find that even a fraction of an inch can make all the difference.

Sometimes I have to remind him.

Guide his hands and fingers so that he knows exactly what rhythm and pressure

pleases you best.

Show him gently and remember that encouragement always works better than

criticism.

Moaning with pleasure when he gets it right can be so effective.

I had loads of women before I got married, but it's only now that I

much I had to learn.

I realise how much I had to learn.

It always helps to know where everything is.

particularly the inner lips, clitoris, and vaginal opening.

Gently stroke the whole pubic area, including the inner thighs and outer

the vulva.

Just above the vaginal opening is the clitoris, which is the center of female

arousal.

When you do start on the clitoris itself, ensure that the whole area is

lubricated. It's a sensitive organ and can become sore.

The clitoris itself has a hood which retracts, but once the head is exposed,

may be too sensitive for direct stimulation.

If this is so, work around its base, rubbing side to side or up and down on

ridge you find above the clitoris.

Circular movements around the clitoral area can be highly arousing.

Do be guided, though, by what your partner tells you.

She may not want you to put your fingers inside her until other lovemaking has

made her wet enough.

Place the flat of the hand over the vulva so that the ball presses on the

bone.

The other fingers now stimulate the outer lips, and the middle finger is

be gently inserted into the vagina.

If you want to bring your lover to orgasm by hand, try creating a steady

with either or both clitoral and vaginal stimulation.

Remember though, that it's through her clitoris that orgasm is most likely to

achieved.

You could try using two or three well lubricated fingers in a firm and regular

rhythm on or around the clitoris.

If this excites her,