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1
00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:11,300
Morning, Mike.
How's it hanging?
2
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,673
Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.
3
00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:15,717
I put your mail on your desk
4
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:19,801
and you have an appointment later
with the Director of Point Calculations.
5
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,688
Let's reschedule that.
Those things last like a thousand years.
6
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,645
Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming
7
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,648
and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.
8
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,821
I get to design it myself?
9
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:35,525
You've been an apprentice long enough.
You're ready.
10
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,158
It's... Oh.
11
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:45,744
Oh, Dave. I'm gonna work so hard.
My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.
12
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,999
OK. Easy there, rookie.
13
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:50,173
Starting immediately,
you'll be out of my department.
14
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,179
You'll be reporting directly
to the front office.
15
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:55,132
This is your shot. Good luck.
16
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,432
The bad place is owed two people.
17
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,652
You have all done bad things
since you arrived here.
18
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,273
I don't care which two of you go.
19
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:13,604
You can decide.
20
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:14,906
You have 30 minutes.
21
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,116
All I ever wanted
was for this neighbourhood
22
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,665
my first neighbourhood, to be perfect.
23
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,458
Somehow I blew it and...
24
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,036
now you're all suffering
25
00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:30,413
and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
26
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,846
This is truly
the saddest day of my life.
27
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,024
OK, I guess I'll speak first.
28
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,156
Jason and I are the mistakes.
29
00:01:57,242 --> 00:02:01,077
We're the ones who misled everybody
and dragged you all into this mess, so
30
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:02,904
we should go to the Bad Place.
31
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:03,998
Agreed.
- Yes.
32
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:07,830
OK, I thought you were gonna at least
pretend to fight me on that but whatever.
33
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:12,129
Hang on. That judge guy just said
everyone here has done bad things.
34
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,628
Let's look at this ethnically.
35
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:18,337
For what I hope is the last time.
It is "ethically".
36
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,296
You guys helped me and Eleanor, right?
37
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,967
But we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.
38
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,060
It's basic consequentialism:
39
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,854
the morality of an action
is solely judged on its consequences.
40
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:30,599
Great. That's...
41
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,776
The one time you actually remember
something from class.
42
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,299
Maybe I was brought here by mistake,
but since we've been here
43
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,189
I just tried to stay
out of everyone's way.
44
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,111
Chidi's done worse stuff than me.
45
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,569
He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
46
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,450
I was trying to stop you from doing it!
47
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,620
Yeah, but you did it.
48
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,073
He who smelt it, murdered Janet.
49
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,208
OK, well, it's settled then.
50
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,202
Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
51
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,003
For the last time, my name is Jason
52
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:55,002
not Jianyu,
the amazing, incredible monk.
53
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,084
Which is why
you belong in the Bad Place.
54
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:01,137
And by the way, Janet is not your wife.
Or your soulmate.
55
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,783
There's a Janet in every neighbourhood.
56
00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:04,390
Well, I'm in love with this Janet.
57
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,852
We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff,
which almost turned out to be sex
58
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,555
and we were married in a legal ceremony.
- It was not legal.
59
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,561
OK, J-bones, you and me, outside.
60
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:13,687
What? But...
61
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,777
I'm not going. I don't wanna.
62
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:22,279
I know you don't wanna, goofball.
I don't wanna either, but let's face it
63
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,536
Chidi and Tahani are better people
than we are.
64
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:30,542
We tried to improve ourselves
and you know what, we did a good job.
65
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,247
Well, I did a good job.
66
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:35,417
You mostly fell asleep in class
or made fart noises with your hands.
67
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,794
I could never do that on Earth.
68
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:40,297
This place truly is paradise.
69
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,466
Look at them
70
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,973
whispering away
like two Beefeaters on a tea break.
71
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,971
I bet they're plotting against us.
72
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,677
No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
73
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,229
You do have feelings for her, don't you?
74
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,936
I don't know. Y-Yes. But no.
75
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:57,505
OK, please don't make me think
about this again. My brain will break.
76
00:03:57,529 --> 00:04:00,522
I'm sorry, it's just that I have
certain feelings for you.
77
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,107
You must see this.
78
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,905
The universe keeps intertwining our fates.
79
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,032
At first,
we both get fraudulent soulmates
80
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:09,614
and now we may be going
to the Bad Place together.
81
00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:12,409
It's meaningful, don't you think?
82
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:17,122
This whole romantic situation
is such a mess.
83
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:20,424
I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
84
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,877
I'm sorry,
I don't mean to contribute to your misery.
85
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,633
It's just that I'm frightened.
86
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,965
I don't have an actual soulmate.
87
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,852
What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go
88
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,020
and you're off with Real Eleanor?
89
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,687
Whither Tahani?
- OK. Team meeting.
90
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,068
Jason has agreed
that the two of us should go.
91
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,818
Bye, Tahani.
92
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:44,823
Sorry for everything.
93
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,574
After I'm gone, you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.
94
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,242
Thank you.
95
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:55,501
I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit?
96
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,623
I will not.
97
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,630
It is literally impossible
for me to do that.
98
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,509
Well, it's been real, dog.
99
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:07,297
Sorry, that's how I ended
most of my serious relationships.
100
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:09,591
Yeah, that checks out.
101
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,722
I feel like I failed you.
102
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:13,849
No.
103
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,063
Don't ever think that.
104
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,435
I was dropped into a cave...
105
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,104
and you were my flashlight.
106
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,694
Oh, goodbye forever.
107
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,694
I will miss you so much.
108
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,371
Oh, I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
109
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,167
OK, ready, bud?
110
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,662
It's gonna get freaky down there.
111
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,621
Noice.
112
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,206
Not in a good way, dummy.
113
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:47,296
Whatever happens, if we possibly can,
we gotta stick together. OK?
114
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:49,926
Good.
115
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,052
Let's grab Michael.
116
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,055
Come in.
117
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,850
Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
118
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:57,940
Um...
119
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,104
I'm going to the Bad Place.
I'm taking one of the slots.
120
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,059
What?
- Awesome.
121
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:03,944
I've been there. I know I can hack it.
122
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,903
Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.
123
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,991
Also, if I can prevent someone else
from being tortured
124
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,246
I should. It just seems right.
125
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,870
Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.
126
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:18,459
There's another reason.
127
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,755
Everyone here
is supposed to have a soulmate
128
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,250
and my soulmate doesn't love me.
129
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:33,516
I don't know if you love the other Eleanor,
or Tahani, or someone else, but...
130
00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:37,641
you don't love me,
which means that this...
131
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:41,019
will never really be my Good Place.
132
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:45,820
I'm going, so you only have to choose
one more person.
133
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,405
OK, that means...
134
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,778
That means that... What does that mean?
135
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,783
It means...
136
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,120
I get to stay here with my wife forever!
137
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,493
We did it, Eleanor!
138
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:04,122
USA! USA! USA!
139
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,251
USA! USA!
140
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:11,088
Woohoo! This is so dope!
I get to stay.
141
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:14,765
You realise if you stay,
I still have to go, right?
142
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:18,303
Yes, but, I get to stay.
143
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,308
Good point, bud.
144
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:21,893
Well reasoned.
145
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,978
Wow. Chidi is a terrible writer.
146
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,028
This is a real mess, huh?
147
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:33,780
No matter what they decide
148
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,237
I bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water
with your boss.
149
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,449
Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.
150
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,497
Retirement?
151
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,623
Course, what do I know?
152
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,915
I'm just the All-knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.
153
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,341
But face it, this is your mistake.
154
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,092
- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.
155
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,137
Which one's which? I always forget.
156
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,560
Black is regular. Orange is anti-matter.
157
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:04,641
Working on your first solo design, right?
158
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:06,229
How's it coming?
159
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:07,897
Fine.
160
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,488
I guess.
161
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:14,575
Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all... differently?
162
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,444
I mean, it's always the same.
163
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:17,782
We get the names
164
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,333
come up with the design, they arrive,
we move onto the next one.
165
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,872
We never even get to be there...
166
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:27,171
to see how fun it is.
167
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,589
Yeah, that is a bummer,
168
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,632
but it's a good system.
I mean, it works, right?
169
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,884
But don't rock the boat here, pal.
Just try to do a good job.
170
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,224
French vanilla?
171
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,518
Regular anti-matter's fine.
Why flavour it?
172
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,439
A good job.
173
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:06,165
OK, all things being equal,
and please check my ethical math here
174
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,505
the right move for me is to go, right?
175
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,916
Jason does seem to love Janet.
176
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,252
And he's not taking anyone's place
177
00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,553
because the real Jianyu
isn't even dead yet.
178
00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:18,348
So I should go.
179
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,594
Wow.
180
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,705
You're making decisions
based on what's best for other people.
181
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,766
Yeah, dude. I'm not a monster...
182
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,357
anymore.
183
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,184
Alright, nerds, it's settled.
184
00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,316
I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor
185
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,490
and you three can stay.
- Yes! We get to stay, baby. We did it!
186
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,908
Wait, no.
187
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,286
You're not going.
188
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,075
I am.
189
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,165
What?
- Why?
190
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,785
Real Eleanor is my soulmate
191
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,492
or was my soulmate
192
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:49,273
and she's only going down there
because she thinks that I don't love her.
193
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,333
Do you?
- I don't know.
194
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,984
Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.
195
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,044
The point is
196
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,922
if she's going down there because of me,
I'll never be at peace.
197
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,503
Plus, Jason's right.
198
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,825
I've done plenty of terrible things
since I've gotten here.
199
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,056
I deserve to go.
200
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,099
Yes! We get to stay, baby.
We did it!
201
00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,973
No, dude, this is bonkers.
202
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:06,679
I am going. End of story.
203
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,686
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.
End of discussion.
204
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,359
No. I'm going. End of everything.
205
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,653
What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi?
206
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,231
No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.
207
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,719
Chidi and I are going to go together
208
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,451
which means that you and Real Eleanor
and Jason can stay.
209
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,655
Yes! We get to stay, baby.
We did it!
210
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:27,791
Look, I love you,
and I think you love me.
211
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,917
We can be together,
away from everyone else.
212
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,463
Obviously, we'll be miserable
213
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:37,294
but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.
214
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:41,176
OK, you realise the Bad Place is not
some sort of couples' retreat, right?
215
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,053
If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
216
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,180
I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!
217
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,556
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.
218
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,103
No, I'm going with Chidi.
219
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,646
Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.
220
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,769
Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.
221
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,271
Hey, that's racist.
- Not a robot.
222
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:55,398
Oh, you have some nerve.
223
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,353
Guys?
224
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,319
Guys!
225
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,739
The only reason why I'm going
is because Real Eleanor is going.
226
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,946
If you go,
it doesn't make sense for me to go.
227
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,289
Look. You're not listening to me.
228
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:13,041
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
229
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,791
What?
- Oh, man!
230
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,130
Wow!
231
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,011
OK, OK.
232
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:23,965
Uh, whoo!
233
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,890
Yo, Mikey! Shawn!
234
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:27,805
Come on out!
235
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,434
Is everything OK?
- Right as rain, Mikey, my boy.
236
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,565
So, Chidi and I
are gonna go to the Bad Place.
237
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,901
What?
- Trust me. I've got this.
238
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,233
That's our decision. Let's hit it.
239
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,489
Well... What about Real Eleanor?
240
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,411
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
241
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,203
Point of order. I don't accept this offer.
242
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,372
The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
243
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,454
Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.
244
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,459
It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
245
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,880
Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent in the rules
246
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,256
that might just save everyone.
247
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,555
Buzz off, Bambadjan.
Don't need it.
248
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:07,512
Uh, OK.
249
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,394
Ready when you are, boss.
250
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,264
Eleanor, what's going on?
251
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,937
It took me a while to figure it out
252
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:19,986
but just now as we were all fighting
and yelling at each other
253
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,565
and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place
254
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,448
I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture".
255
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,199
And then it hit me.
256
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:32,707
They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.
257
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:36,787
They can't. Because we're already here.
258
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,840
This is the Bad Place.
259
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,472
Oh, man!
260
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,983
I can't believe you figured it out.
261
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,028
Oh, God!
262
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,899
You... You ruined everything,
you know that?
263
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:09,570
Oh, man.
264
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,365
Eleanor, you really suck!
265
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,662
I was so close to pulling it off!
266
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,467
Sorry. So she's right?
267
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,261
Yeah, she figured it out.
268
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:29,806
No... No, this doesn't make any sense.
269
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:33,351
This is paradise.
- Oh, it looks like paradise
270
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:38,857
but it's actually a filthy dumpster
full of our worst anxieties.
271
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:42,357
I'm surrounded by people
who are literally better than me.
272
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:46,323
Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical clusterfork.
273
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,616
Tahani tortured Jason
274
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,409
by constantly trying to get him to talk
275
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,287
Jason tortured me because I was sure
he would blow our cover
276
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:55,241
which was torture for Chidi,
because he was responsible for me
277
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,577
which made Chidi
seem like the perfect soulmate
278
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,037
and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.
279
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:02,839
You don't love me?
- Please, don't ask me that right now.
280
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:03,925
See?
281
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,674
We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived
282
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:11,511
and everything Michael has done
has made at least one of us miserable.
283
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:15,060
I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.
284
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:19,307
He convinced me
to throw my life's work in the garbage.
285
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:23,102
He made sure I'd see
those bogus neighbourhood rankings
286
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,358
because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.
287
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:29,783
And I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.
288
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,202
He played us like a fiddle.
289
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:33,950
You gotta give it up.
290
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:34,905
Oh, dip!
291
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,208
Eleanor, I told you that first night
that we were in a prank show.
292
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:42,083
Oh, yeah. You did. Great job, man!
293
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,874
Chidi, don't go!
294
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,756
I don't care if you don't love me.
I love you.
295
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,177
It's the only thing that makes
any sense to me in this crazy world
296
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:55,183
and I think we should stay and try...
297
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:58,387
No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.
298
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,224
- They...
- They know this is the Bad Place.
299
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:03,809
Eleanor figured it out.
300
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,989
Oh, man!
301
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,594
This was supposed to be my big moment.
302
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,486
I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.
303
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,864
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst
304
00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:18,327
and you can all suck it.
305
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,453
Do you remember what I told you
306
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:25,039
when you predicted you could do this
for a thousand years?
307
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,297
The time has come to innovate.
308
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:34,966
The human afterlife can be more fun...
309
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:39,057
for us, obviously,
not for the people we're torturing.
310
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,975
Who cares about those dummies?
311
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:46,606
I present to you the perfect recipe
for my proposed experiment.
312
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:51,816
Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.
313
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:59,832
I am going to design an afterlife
where they torture each other.
314
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:00,828
We've tried this.
315
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:03,035
Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.
316
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,915
Even getting them to do simple things
317
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:06,998
like pulling out each other's teeth
is like...
318
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,292
I can't think of the right analogy.
319
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,753
Uh, what makes you think
that you can get them to do this?
320
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:15,635
Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.
321
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:20,011
I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place
322
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,846
and to make sure
that they drive each other insane
323
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:24,685
I will be there
324
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:29,187
posing as a Good Place architect.
- What?
325
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,897
I even stole a Good Place Janet
we can use.
326
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,487
It can work.
327
00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,287
Look, we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits
328
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:39,488
with the lava and the bees
329
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:41,539
and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.
330
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:43,708
Let's try something new.
331
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:47,038
The thrill of watching them torture
each other
332
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:51,796
with personal deception and jealousy
will be so much more fulfilling than
333
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,969
I don't know, uh,
pouring spiders into people's eyes
334
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,718
for, like, the zillionth time.
335
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,469
Hey, the spiders work great.
336
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,642
Val, no one is criticising the spiders.
337
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,845
No... You've done amazing work
with the spiders.
338
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,852
Too many variables. Too many moving parts.
339
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,558
That's what will make it fun.
340
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,985
I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen
341
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,440
but we'll improvise.
342
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,275
We'll... We'll be on our toes.
343
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,402
It'll be exciting.
344
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:16,701
I think...
345
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,532
that we can get them
to torture each other...
346
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:22,368
for a thousand years.
347
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:27,036
I think you'd be lucky to get six months
out of this insane gambit.
348
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,126
But take me through it.
349
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,258
- How would this work, exactly?
- Oh.
350
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:35,544
Yes, all right, so...
351
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:39,256
This is a 14 million-point plan.
352
00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:42,725
Um... Oh, sorry.
353
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:45,137
I thought we reserved the conference room.
354
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,893
No, Todd, we have it until three.
355
00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:48,315
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
356
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:50,563
So...
357
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:56,190
Bambadjan, and Pavita,
and Gunnar, and Shawn...
358
00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,866
Everyone else in this neighbourhood...
359
00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,113
Except for you four
360
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,829
everyone in this neighbourhood
is one of us.
361
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,328
After I came up
with everyone's characters
362
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,627
we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.
363
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,912
How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
364
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,714
or even spoken for days.
365
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,042
Well, it sounds like
you've had a really nice vacation
366
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,547
from your full-time job.
367
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:17,753
Get your story straight.
368
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:19,800
OK.
369
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:23,184
They're at each other's throats already.
This should put them over the top.
370
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:26,307
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
- Ooh.
371
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,140
Oh, uh, maybe my specialty was I...
identity theft cases.
372
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,815
Oh, he'll love it. Love!
373
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:34,486
Now, Tracy, you're his soulmate, Nina...
374
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:36,525
a marriage counsellor.
375
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,899
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
376
00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:41,572
That's perfect, perfect!
377
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:42,865
Shh, shh, shh.
378
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,739
Hey, guys? It's Michael.
379
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,283
That was really a fun time.
380
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,670
Then it all started to go off the rails.
381
00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:54,049
When I confessed.
382
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,259
You had no idea I was gonna do that
383
00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:00,341
because, honestly,
I had no idea I was gonna do that
384
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,218
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
385
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:05,596
I mean, after that,
it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.
386
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,805
You know, I... I definitely underestimated
387
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:11,936
how effective Chidi was gonna be
teaching you to be good
388
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:16,270
and obviously, we didn't anticipate
that Janet would fall in love with Jason.
389
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,905
Hang on. That part is real?
390
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,699
Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.
391
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:25,996
No, she's sort of a foundational mainframe
for all of the neighbourhoods
392
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,082
good and bad.
393
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:30,834
And apparently,
this Janet is in love with Jason.
394
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,957
I mean, co... What a world, huh?
395
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,208
I knew it.
396
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,461
I love you so much, baby.
397
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:41,011
And I, in an indefinable way
that is not communicable through language
398
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:42,879
love you.
399
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,259
Wait, I don't get something.
400
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:48,811
I know why Jason and I were sent here,
but why Tahani?
401
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:52,810
Oh yeah. Didn't you raise, like,
$5,000 for charity or whatever?
402
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,893
Uh, 60 billion, actually, so...
403
00:19:58,239 --> 00:19:59,239
Oh.
404
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,277
But it didn't matter...
405
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,818
because my motivations were corrupt.
406
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:09,493
I didn't care about helping the people
I raised the money for.
407
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:14,161
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
and stick it to my sister
408
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:15,871
get fame and attention.
409
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:19,087
My only real goal was to snog
Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.
410
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,089
Which I did.
411
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,300
Couple of times, actually.
412
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,801
Well, well, well.
413
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:29,931
Looks like Duchess Perfecto
wasn't so perfect after all.
414
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,307
I don't really think now
is the time to gloat, Eleanor.
415
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,105
Don't care. Gonna gloat a little.
416
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,560
But wait, why is Chidi here?
417
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,814
Well, um...
418
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:42,026
there's something
you don't know about me.
419
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,361
I read an article saying that...
420
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:46,909
growing almonds was bad
for the environment
421
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,990
and yet I continued to use
almond milk in my coffee...
422
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,619
No, dingus!
423
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:58,088
You hurt everyone in your life
with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
424
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,087
Oh, fork!
425
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:04,137
You're right.
426
00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:08,966
Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts
427
00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:11,096
because I couldn 't do anything.
428
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:12,928
I missed my mom's back surgery
429
00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:16,390
because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew
430
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,692
that I would help him
figure out his new phone.
431
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,352
I made everyone miserable.
432
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,229
Well, if it makes you feel any better
433
00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:24,736
you were the closest
to actually getting in, up there.
434
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:28,573
You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.
435
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,278
Well, that makes me feel worse somehow.
436
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,739
Good. Thank you, Chidi.
437
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:34,950
I... I really needed to hear that
right now.
438
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:38,583
I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning, all for nothing.
439
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:40,793
It really sucks.
440
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:41,883
No, it doesn't.
441
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:44,509
This is wonderful.
442
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,178
You saw us all on Earth -
443
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:52,097
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic
444
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:55,805
a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...
445
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,399
Side note, I might legit be into Tahani...
446
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,317
but that's for another time.
447
00:22:02,071 --> 00:22:04,154
You thought we would torture each other
448
00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:06,440
and we did for a little
449
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,275
but we also took care of each other.
450
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,569
We improved each other
451
00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:12,909
and the four of us became a team.
452
00:22:13,499 --> 00:22:19,040
So, the only thing you succeeded in doing
was bringing us all together.
453
00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:21,667
Oh, Eleanor...
454
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:23,883
that's it!
455
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:27,840
My big mistake
was bringing you all together
456
00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:31,048
h-having you be soulmates
living next to each other.
457
00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:35,014
Next time, I'll spread you out,
so it's more of a slow burn.
458
00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:36,770
Uh, next time?
- Yeah, yeah.
459
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,313
I'm gonna, uh, erase your memories
460
00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:40,732
you know, make a few changes
and start over again.
461
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,435
Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.
462
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,232
Wish me luck.
463
00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:52,277
Guys, we need a plan. Quick.
464
00:22:52,663 --> 00:22:53,779
Tahani, anything?
465
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,393
Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.
466
00:22:56,417 --> 00:22:58,283
I... I... I can't. I.. I can't.
467
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,369
- Jason?
- What? What's up?
468
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:01,462
Ugh!
469
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,963
What do you say?
Take two, huh?
470
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,419
I don't know.
471
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:06,962
I mean, what is this?
472
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:08,964
All this work for four people
473
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,429
and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe.
474
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:14,766
I feel like a real weeny.
475
00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:17,811
Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.
476
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:21,140
Let me...
Let me just tinker a little, try again.
477
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:22,937
OK
478
00:23:23,694 --> 00:23:25,481
but you're way out on a limb here, Mike.
479
00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:28,989
If this thing goes sideways again,
you are done.
480
00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:32,697
Guys, he is going
to erase our memories at any second
481
00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:34,527
and all of this
will have been for nothing.
482
00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:36,783
Ugh! You're useless!
483
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:41,159
What do I write? What do I write?
484
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:42,253
Ooh, come on, brain.
485
00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:48,504
Janet?
486
00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,841
You can't eat anything, right?
- Correct.
487
00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:52,967
Open up.
488
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:55,882
All right, let's try again,
shall we?
489
00:23:56,352 --> 00:23:58,765
You know what, bro?
Do your worst.
490
00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:01,100
We figured it out once,
we can do it again
491
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,806
because you know what, Michael?
492
00:24:04,485 --> 00:24:05,350
Ya basic...
493
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,494
Eleanor, come on in.
494
00:24:23,337 --> 00:24:25,829
You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
495
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:27,751
Your life on Earth has ended
496
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:32,294
and you're now in the next phase
of your existence in the universe.
497
00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:35,181
Cool.
498
00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:40,664
You know the way you feel when you see
499
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:43,556
a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?
500
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:47,442
That's how you're
going to feel every day.
501
00:24:50,364 --> 00:24:54,449
Your medical relief mission to Kazakhstan,
that really put you over the top.
502
00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:55,935
You got a tonne of points for that.
503
00:24:57,413 --> 00:25:01,373
Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
I'm your soulmate.
504
00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:03,908
Cool. Bring it in, man.
505
00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:07,082
So where are you from, Chris?
506
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:10,381
I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,
and I was a mailman.
507
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:12,546
Really?
508
00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:18,632
Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?
509
00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:21,469
Hold that thought.
Is it OK if I go work out?
510
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:26,515
I love working out.
I gotta stay jacked, it's... who I am.
511
00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:27,894
Yeah, you gotta.
512
00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:30,193
Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.
513
00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:31,857
Great.
514
00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:33,859
See ya soon.
515
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,242
Hi there.
516
00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:38,072
Who are you?
- I'm Janet.
517
00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:39,781
I think this is yours.
518
00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:42,247
After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.
519
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:43,786
What?
520
00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:54,004
What the fork is a "chidi"?
521
00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:56,511
Why can't I say fork?
39610
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