All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E08.Most.Improved.Player.720p.BluRay

Eleanor? Come on in.

Well, not often you get to confront
your greatest failure face to face.

Good to see you too, bud.

I am just dumbfounded
as to how this happened.

Our system has never made
a mistake before.

It's just not possible.

And yet, here we are.

First things first.

Who are you?
- Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

And some of the info you had
was right.

I mean, "flattened by a boner pill truck

after dropping margarita mix
in grocery store parking lot"

that's a very "me" way to die.

But all the other info was wrong.

In my defence,
when I first arrived and you said

"You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead,
and you're in the Good Place"

I had no reason to think
that was a mistake.

Location and date of birth, please?

Phoenix, Arizona. October 14th, 1986.

So, sorry, that's what I used to tell
people when I lied about my age.

I was born in 1982.

You lied so much you forgot
your own birthdate.

Not a great start.

But it should be enough
for Janet to locate your file.

Janet?

Janet?
- What's that? What's that?

What's this?

Her memory's still being rebooted because

oh, you know
someone murdered her.

Janet, could you please locate
the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop

born in 1982.
- Yes.

Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

Sure! Anything else?

No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.

- This might take a while.
- Wee!

Since Janet can't retrieve your file,
I need to find another way

to determine
what kind of person you were.

This is a quick litmus test.

A handful of questions

designed to tell whether you were
fundamentally good or bad.

Question number one.

Did you ever wrongfully slaughter
your kinsman's yak?

Oh, sorry. This is the nomadic
Mongolian edition.

I need to grab the North American.

Yep, here we go.

Question number one.
Did you ever commit a serious crime

such as murder, sexual harassment

arson, or otherwise?
- No.

Did you ever have a vanity license plate
like "Mama's BMW," "Lexus4Liz"

or "Boobguy?"
- No.

Did you ever reheat fish
in an office microwave?

Ew... No.
- Have you ever paid money

to hear music performed by California
funk rock band

"The Red Hot Chili Peppers?"

No.
- Where you ever a waiter

and when seeing a customer
who had eaten all his or her food

you said sarcastically,
"I guess you hated it?"

- No.
- Have you ever used the word hubby?

Or referred to the department store
Target as "Tarjay"?

No.

Did you ever take off your shoes
and socks on a commercial airline?

And socks? Ew. Who would do that?

People who go to the Bad Place,
Eleanor, that's the point.

The Bad Place is every bit
as awful as the Good Place is good.

And unless I can figure out
a compelling reason to keep you here

you will spend eternity

with murderers and arsonists,
and people who take off their shoes

and socks on commercial airlines.

Janet, can I have a glass
of water, please?

Here you go!

Oh, gosh! You said "water"?

Yeah.
- I'm so sorry. There you go.

I really do have sympathy
for your situation.

I mean, you thought your soulmate
was a good person

and then you learned
that she's just an immoral grifter.

Tahani, please.
- Am I wrong? She lied to everyone.

She caused a giant sinkhole,
into which poor Glenn fell.

She caused a trash storm. She...

Well, she pretended to be my friend

when I really needed one.

And lest we forget, she murdered Janet!

As far as I'm concerned,
the sooner she's gone

the better off we'll all be.

I... I understand that Eleanor
violated our trust.

But please

when you're talking to Michael

try to think about
what she's had to go through.

All right. I will, for you.

But we've been through
a lot as well.

You know, I haven't been
this upset since my good friend Taylor

was rudely upstaged
by my other friend Kanye

who was defending
my best friend Beyoncé.

And finally, a multi-part question.

Did you ever appear on
the American television programme

"The Bachelor,"
or its companion shows

"The Bachelorette"
and "Bachelor in Paradise"

or work on them in any capacity

or post on any social media site
that you were

emotionally invested in
any of the "relationships"

the contestants were pursuing?
- No.

OK! You did very well
on the questionnaire, Eleanor.

So far, so good.

Michael? Good news.

I was able to obtain
Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Would you like to see it?
- Yes, Janet, I would.

But, first...

Is it actually a cactus?

I don't understand.

I want to see the file
for Eleanor Shellstrop.

Is that what you have?
Or do you have a cactus?

I have the file.
- You're sure.

You have the file, and not a cactus.
- That is correct.

I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
I do not have a cactus.

Excellent. Please give me the file.
- Here you go!

Thank you, Janet.
- You're welcome!

Well, I say we call it a day.

I mean, I nailed the questionnaire

and you're swimming in cacti.

Can't we just chalk this up
to a hilarious mistake, and move on?

No, we can't, Eleanor.

There's no such thing as a mistake,
in this realm.

And yet you are, somehow,
a mistake.

I mean you're a giant chunk
of spinach in the teeth of the universe.

I need to understand every facet
of this disaster.

Tell me a lie about yourself.

Any lie.
- I love the opera.

And now a truth.
- I love women's MMA.

We don't like to use this.

We've never really had a call for it,
before you.

But in the interest of time,
Eleanor...

Did you murder Janet?

No, I did not.

Do you know who did?
- Yes.

Will you tell me who it was?
- No.

I assume it was one of your friends,
and I admire you for protecting him or her.

But, Eleanor, in the Good Place,
there's no room for bad people

or bad actions,
so anyone involved in the murder of Janet

will be reviewed and judged.

And there will be consequences.

Tahani? Come on in.

Chidi.

Imposter who soiled
our paradise with her moral turpitude.

What's up?

Thank you for confessing.

I don't know what I would
have done

if you hadn't.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm amazing.

Bad news.
Michael knows I didn't kill Janet

which means it's only a matter of time
before he finds out that you did.

And that you did it
because you were trying to stop

Bonehead Jones over here.
- Hey, homies!

Then he'll figure out
that Jianyu's also a phony

and here's the real dongbuster

Michael said anybody who did anything
bad might have to go...

Oh!
- Which means Jianyu's gone

you might be gone

and all three of us are
royally forking forked.

So now I might get sent to the Bad Place?

This is terrible!
What am I supposed to do if he asks me?

I don't know. Kant would say...

that lying in any scenario is wrong

so if Michael asks if you killed Janet,
you should say "yes".

On the other hand,
snitches do get stitches.

That is true.
I read that once

on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

And you just casually cited
Immanuel Kant.

I mean I know we're in a miserable
bind here, but

this might be
the proudest day of my life.

No offense,
but that's a real bummer of a life.

Tahani. I'll get right to the crux
of the matter.

Did you murder Janet?
- Absolutely not!

Now you've spent a lot of time
with Eleanor.

Why do you think that is?

Well, people are just drawn to me.

You know, one of my shyest friends,
I won't say his name to preserve his privacy

but he found my presence
so comforting

that he asked me to co-host
his TV show, "Anderson Cooper 360".

Given what you learned about Eleanor

do you think she deserves to be here?

Well...

You know if it were up to me,
I might find a way to look past her, um...

deficiencies.

But it's not up to me, is it?

There are some criteria
that she unfortunately just

didn't meet in her time on Earth.

So you think that
I should send her to the Bad Place?

Well, I didn't say that.

But is her staying here unfair
to those who earned their place?

It sounds like you want her to leave.

Well, is it not she who wants us
to leave her?

Thank you, Tahani, you've been a big help.

Listen up, genius.

He's gonna call you in there,
in a second.

Don't worry, I got you.

I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb
and that you got a dope soul an hella ethics.

And he'll be all, "thanks, Jianyu".

"You just freaked my being for real".

Oh, boy. No.
Don't say any of that.

Michael has a lie detector in there.

It's, uh... it's a glowing cube.

Like the All-Spark?

From Transformers?
- Sure.

Uh, just like the All-Spark,
from Transformers and...

and he'll know instantly
if you're lying about anything, so...

only "smiles and nods," got it?

Jianyu, come on in.

Wise, sage, centered Jianyu.

I seek your wisdom
in this moment of crisis.

What to do with Eleanor?
Should I let her stay?

Should I send her away?

You think I should send her away?

No, I should let her stay?

Or "No, I shouldn't let her stay,
because she doesn't belong here?"

Or, "no, I shouldn't let her stay,
even though she does belong here?"

Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom.

Your devotion to the noble truths
has given you something that I don't have -

clarity.

It was Buddha who said

"If a man lives a pure life,
nothing can destroy him."

I'm not a man

and I've lived no "life"

so will this destroy me?

Ouch!

Oh, of course.

A cactus on its own intends no harm

it's only when we interfere
that it becomes dangerous.

I need to remember
my own agency here.

Oh, thank you, Jianyu.

You're free to go.

Oh. Yes, of course, help yourself.

I've got plenty of those.

Chidi? Come on in.

Hi there! I have Eleanor's file.

Janet, if you hand me a cactus
I swear I will lose my mind.

Oh! Yes! All right!
Here we go.

Eleanor, come back in.
Chidi, you stay here.

This file contains a list
of every good and bad thing you ever did.

It's your entire life told through
a compendium of all of your actions.

Nope.
It's a picture of a cactus...

dozens and dozens and dozens
of pictures of the same cactus.

Oh, no, wait. Here we go.

Well, it's incomplete but...

there appear to be some references
to the highest impact events from your life.

That's the, uh... biggest positive
and negative point swings.

So, "Little Julie?"
Now who's that?

Julie is my cousin's daughter.

Her mom is kind of a mess,
so I used to take her to the mall sometimes

and bought her churro dogs.

It's a hot dog,
but the bun is two churros

and it's tied together
with a Slim Jim.

It's an Arizona delicacy.
- Oh, sounds awful

but it's very nice
that you made that girl happy.

So. What's this?

Cool Thredz

Glendale Arizona's
Premiere T-shirt Emporium?"

Uh... can we skip around and...
and circle back?

How about I tell you more
about those churro dogs?

They came with unlimited ranch dressing.
- Let's hear about the T-shirts, please.

Okay. I'll tell you, and I'm going to be
one hundred percent honest.

But it doesn't make me look
great so don't judge me.

That's literally the purpose
of this entire exercise.

Okay. To understand this, you have to know
about my roommate, Madison.

- She was terrible.
- Hey, Mads?

Um, I have to go to
this stupid work party tonight.

Can I borrow your peach dress?

Ooh, it's a hard no, babe.

That dress is like twice your salary.

And I gotta go to the DMV
and pick up my vanity plates. Ciao, bitches!

Well, that's... that's not great.

But I assume you confessed,
and paid to fix it?

Not exactly.

Hey, losers, I'm going out.
Can you zip me?

Dude, that dress is hella ripped.

What?

Ugh! That stupid dry cleaner!

Well, that's the risk you take
when you keep your clothes clean.

My mom's a lawyer.
Those asswipes are gonna pay.

She sued for nine hundred dollars,
for the dress

and eighty million dollars
in emotional distress.

The legal fees drove the dry cleaner
out of business.

Oh, boy. Wait, this story is
about T-shirts.

There's more, isn't there?

A little.

Check this out.

Somebody put the dry cleaner's story
online and it went viral.

Madison's famous.

The "Dress Bitch"? Yikes.

Serves her right.
Madison is psycho.

She totally overreacted.

This is her fault.
- Yeah. Her fault. That works.

You guys, what is happening?

Someone egged my Lexus!

And I have like forty thousand
tweets calling me the "Dress Bitch"!

Over a loser dry cleaner man?

Why is everyone so jealous of me?

This is a trash city full of idiots!

The "Dress Bitch" is so catchy.
- Yeah.

I mean someone could totally
make T-shirts.

Oh!

No, no, no, no.

Do not tell me that
you made T-shirts that said that

and then sold them for a profit.

I wish I could tell you that, bud.

I really do.

Girl, check it out!
They're here!

Wait a second.
Is this insane?

I mean should we be doing this?

Dude! Madison brought this on herself,
okay.

She's a nightmare of a person,
to everybody.

Plus we already have a ton of pre-orders.

Here is your first cut of the profits!

Holy mama!

I can't believe you sold the T-shirts.

Does it help if they basically
sold themselves?

I think you know it does not.

What did you do with the money?

I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.

Thanks, babe!

Next question!

Eleanor.

Given what you know about the people
who've been brought here

the lives they've lead.

Do you think you belong in the Good Place?

No. I don't.

Hello? Bad Place. What's up, idiot?

Hello. This is Michael, the Architect
from Neighbourhood one-two...

Psyche! We're not here right now,
so leave a message after the beep.

I hate calling these guys.

Hello, uh... this is Michael

the Architect from Neighbourho...
- Double psyche! We are here.

Who dis?

This is Michael

the Architect from Good Place
Neighbourhood 1-2-3-5-8-W.

I'm guessing
you've been looking for someone...

called "Eleanor Shellstrop".

She's here. Come and get her.

Let's get out of here

Hello, Trevor.

Hey, there he is!
Good to see you again, Mikey!

Think fast, I brought you something.

Oh. Nuts! Thank you.

Thank you. Ah! Wha...?

Oh, flaming snake ate all
the nuts you brought me.

Ugh. You're too nice to humiliate.

Oh, hello. Hi.

You look like a piece of crap.
Are you Eleanor?

Dude, you're like a legend
in the Bad Place.

Check this out! Huh?

DRESS BITCH!

Pretty great, right?

Trevor, do you know what caused this mistake?
Because I cannot figure it out.

Nah, we're stumped.
But, uh... don't sweat it, champ!

She's definitely one of ours.
So we'll just roll on out

and you can get back to, uh...

Putting rainbows up your butt,
or whatever you do here.

Okay,
let's hit it, sweetheart.

We got a long ride.

What? Right now?

Trevor, for decency's sake

let her have some goodbyes.

Ugh! God, good people are the worst.

Okay, uh... thirty minutes.

We gotta get back for "The Bachelor".

I'm gonna be pissed if
I miss the rose ceremony.

I just want to say once more,
for the record

that this whole "Good-Bad" system
is bullshirt.

There should be a Medium Place,
for people like me

who kinda sucked,
but in like a fun, chill way.

I agree. I'm sorry there isn't.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this,
and that I never did laundry

and that I waited until you were
about to do yours

then secretly tossed mine into the basket
to trick you into doing it.

You didn't trick me.
I repeatedly asked you to stop.

Just know you did everything
you could to help me.

You're a really good fake soulmate.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we thought it was only proper
to see you off.

It's the neighbourly thing to do.

You guys came to say goodbye
because you're my friends.

Well, I suppose
some part of me, possibly

has a sense of casual kinship with you

as much as one might be fond
of a street cat.

Thanks, Tahani.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm really glad we're friends.

Oh! Goodbye forever.

Jianyu.

Jianyu keeps such a stoic face.

I just hope he sends her off
with some sustaining wisdom.

I hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you walk away.

I really needed to hear that.
Thanks.

Oh, hey dum-dum!
You ready to go?

Oh. You must be Chidi.

Trying to improve her?

Bold plan, bro.

Bold and stupid.
My favourite combo.

Well, actually,
she learned a great deal

in a very short amount of time.
- Oh, really? Really?

I don't care.
All right, let's hit it.

Oh, also you should smile more.

You have such a pretty smile.
Love ya, babe.

Can't wait to torture you.

This is the 3:18 to The Bad Place

making thousands of stops
for literally no reason.

Now as soon as you take your seats
we will pull away from the station

and then immediately be
delayed for forty-nine minutes

and not explain why.

You'll notice it's very hot in here,
and it will get one degree hotter

every time you think about how hot it is.

Oops! You just thought about it.

Michael!
- Oh, hi, Chidi.

Want some pizza?

Bad Place crew delivered a hundred
of these to my office.

All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.
- Michael, I murdered Janet.

I knew about Eleanor,
from the beginning.

I've been trying to help her become
a better person

and when she found out that
your "retirement" meant

that you would be tortured

she immediately tried to find
a way to prevent it.

Which is why I ended up murdering Janet.

The point is, Eleanor is learning.

She's just doing it after she died.

And you did bring her here so,
in many ways, this is your fault.

Yes. Jianyu actually made that same point.

He did?
- Mmm.

Okay, look... I... I know you only
deal in black or white

good or bad.

But you said it yourself,
this situation is...

unprecedented.

I did enjoy her company.

But this is not Little League.

There is no award
for Most Improved Player, Chidi.

Well, maybe there should be.

One final note

the dining car is at the very back
of the train.

It serves only room temperature
Manhattan clam chowder

and also it's closed.

Okay! Here we go!

Stop this train!

Dude, what the fork?

You're not leaving.

Not with her. Not yet. Come on.

Wait, you want to keep her?

Bro, that's our girl!
We agreed on this!

No, what we agreed on was
that this was a mistake.

Trevor,
we're in uncharted territory here.

Until we can sort this out,
she stays with us.

All right, fine.

But until this is resolved,
we're keeping the other Eleanor.

Fine. What? I'm sorry.

The other Eleanor?
Yeah, the real Eleanor.

The one that was supposed to be here,
but got sent down to us instead.

She's on the train.

Eleanor! Come on out!

Hi, everyone. I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.