All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E01.Pilot.720p.BluRay

Eleanor? Come on in.

Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael.

How are you today?

I'm great. Thanks for asking.

Oh, one question.

Where am I? Who are you?
And what's going on?

Right. So...

you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Your life on Earth has ended

and you are now in the next phase
of your existence in the universe.

Cool. Cool.

I have some questions.

Thought you might.

How did I die? I... I don't remember.
- Yes, um...

in cases of traumatic
or embarrassing deaths

we erase the memory,
to allow for a peaceful transition.

Are you sure you want to hear?

All right, so you were
in a grocery store parking lot.

You dropped a bottle
of something called

"Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One"

and when you bent down to pick it up,
a long column of shopping carts

that were being returned
to the shopping cart collection area

rolled out of control
and ploughed right into you.

"Oof."
That's how I died.

No, sorry, there's more.

Well, you were able to grab onto the front
of the column of shopping carts

but it swept you right out into the street,
where you were struck and killed

by a mobile billboard truck
advertising an erectile dysfunction pill

called "Engorge-ulate."

Funnily enough, the first "EMT"
to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours.

Okay. That's... I get it. Thank you.
- Okay, sorry.

Um, so who was right?

I mean about all of this?

Well, let's see.

Hindus are a little bit right,
Muslims a little bit

Jews, Christians, Buddhists -
every religion guessed about five percent.

Except for Doug Forcett.

Who... who is Doug Forcett?

Well, Doug was a stoner kid
who lived in Calgary during the 1970s.

One night he got really high on mushrooms,
and his best friend Randy said

"Hey, what do you think happens
after we die?"

And Doug just launched
into this long monologue

where he got
like ninety-two percent correct.

I mean

we couldn't believe
what we were hearing.

That's him, actually,
right up there.

He's pretty famous around here.

I'm very lucky to have that.

So, maybe my biggest question.

Am I... I mean is this...

or... you know?

Well, it's not the "heaven" or "hell" idea
that you were raised on.

But generally speaking

in the afterlife, there's a Good Place,
and there's a Bad Place.

You're in the Good Place.

You're okay, Eleanor.

You're in the Good Place.

Well, that's good.

Sure is. Ha!

Okay. Let's take a walk, shall we?

Oh, did I have a purse?

No, I'm dead. Right. Okay.

So, are you...

I mean, this sounds
like a crazy question

but are you "God?"

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There are many levels above me, Eleanor

before you get to the Supreme Commander

Zortraxx the Merciless Frog God

long may he reign.

I'm kidding.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a giant frog.

Oh. Whew.

No, it's just my little joke.

Um, seriously, though.
I'm... I'm not a god.

Eleanor, I'm... I'm an architect,
and I designed this Neighbourhood.

So this is how it works.

The Good Place is divided
into distinct "Neighbourhoods."

Each one contains exactly
three hundred and twenty-two people

who have been perfectly selected to blend
together into a blissful harmonic balance.

Do all the neighbourhoods look like this?

No - every neighbourhood is unique.

Some have warm weather, some cold,
some are cities, some farmland.

But in each one
every blade of grass, every ladybug

every detail has been precisely designed
and calibrated for its residents.

There's a lot of frozen yoghurt places.

Yeah. That's the one thing we put
in all the neighbourhoods.

People love frozen yoghurt.

I don't know what to tell you.

You're going to have
a million more questions, I know.

For right now,
you better grab a seat.

Movie's about to begin.

Hello, everyone, and welcome
to your first day in the afterlife!

Good people.

But how do we know
that you were good?

How are we sure?

During your time on Earth,
every one of your actions

had a positive...

...or a negative value...

...depending on how much good or bad

that action put into the universe.

Every sandwich you ate,
every time you bought a magazine

every single thing you did
had an effect that rippled out over time

and ultimately created
some amount of good or bad.

You know how some people
pull into the breakdown lane

when there's traffic,
and they think to themselves

"Ah, who cares? No one's watching."

We were watching. Surprise.

Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended

we calculate the total value of your life

using our perfectly accurate
measuring system.

Only the people
with the very highest scores -

the true cream of the crop -

get to come here, to The Good Place!

What happens to everyone else,
you ask?

Don't worry about it.

you are here because you lived

one of the very best lives
that could be lived.

And you won't be alone!
Your true soulmate is here too!

That's right - soulmates are real.

One of the other people in your neighbourhood
is your actual soulmate

and you will spend eternity together!

So welcome to eternal happiness.

Welcome to The Good Place.

Sponsored by otters holding hands
while they sleep.

- Aw!
- You know the way you feel

when you see
a picture of two otters holding hands?

That's how you're going to feel every day.

So, who is in The Bad Place
that would shock me?

Ah...

well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis,
basically, every artist, ever.

Uh... every US President
except Lincoln.

That sounds about right.

Walt Disney.
- Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They went to town on Disney.

He has to spend eternity
in a broken down boat

on the "Small World" ride
with eight very tired children

and they made it so he really has to pee.

What about Florence Nightingale?

That was close but no,
she didn't make it.

Wow, all those amazing people
down there.

It just seems so hard to believe.

Again, it's an incredibly selective system.

Most people don't make it here.

A lawyer,
who got innocent people off death row.

You're special, Eleanor.

And by the way...

welcome to your new home.

Ah! It's perfect, isn't it?

You see, in The Good Place
every person gets to live

in a home that perfectly matches
his or her true essence.

Cool.

So, I guess that's why my house,
for example, is this adorable little cottage

whereas other people
might have homes that are bigger

like that one.

Exactly.

Ah, I'm so happy you get it.

As you can see, the interior
has been decorated just as you like it

in the "Icelandic primitive" style.

Oh, oh! And, uh... of course,
you love clowns, so...

I do love clowns.

Now, let me show you the, uh...
the video system here.

You can review everything that happened
in your life from your point of view.

There we go.

This is your Human Rights mission
to Ukraine.

I mean, you got a ton of points for that one.
It really put you over the top.

Oh.

Chidi! Come on in.

Eleanor? I'm Chidi Anagonye.

And you are my soulmate.

Cool. Bring it in, man.

Now, excuse me.
I have other people to attend to.

So, where are you from, Chidi?

Well, I was born in Nigeria,
raised in Senegal.

But my work took me
all over the place -

Australia, Hong Kong, Paris...

What about you?

I was born in Phoenix, Arizona.

Then I went to school in Tempe, Arizona.

And then I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona.

Your English is amazing.

Oh!

I'm actually speaking French.

This place just translates whatever you say

into a language
the other person can understand.

So, it's incredible!
- Whoa.

And now I want to say this...
- Okay.

Eleanor.

I have spent my entire life in pursuit
of fundamental truths about the universe

and now we can actually learn about them,
together, as soulmates.

It's overwhelming!

Chidi? You'll stand by my side
no matter what, right?

Of course, I will.

Promise me. Say "I promise
I will never betray you for any reason."

Eleanor, I swear that I will never say

or do anything to cause you any harm.

Good.

Because those aren't my memories.
I wasn't a lawyer.

I never went to the Ukraine.
I hate clowns.

There's been a big mistake.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Wait, what?

Are you sure this isn't you?

Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure
I wasn't a death row lawyer

who collected clown paintings
and rescued orphans.

They got my name right,
but nothing else.

I mean somebody royally forked up.

Somebody forked up.

Why can't I say fork?

If you're trying to curse,
you can't here.

I guess a lot of people
in this neighbourhood don't like it

so it's prohibited.
- That's "bullshirt."

So, uh... if you're not this person
then who are you?

What did you do for a living?

I was in sales.

So, we sell two products here.

"NasaPro," and "NasaPro Silver,"
we aim this at seniors.

Now, you can't legally call it "medicine,"
because it doesn't technically "work"

and it is, technically, chalk.

So, what you're gonna want to do...
- You need me to lie to old people

and scare them into buying fake medicine.

I get it, man.

Which one's my desk?

So your job was to defraud the elderly.

Sorry - the sick and elderly.

But I was very good at it.

I was the top salesperson
five years running.

Okay, but that's worse.

I mean you... you do get
how that's worse

right?
- Mmm.

You know, maybe it's a test.

Maybe, if you go to Michael
then you tell him the truth

you'll pass the test,
and you'll get to stay.

No way,
I can't risk going to The Bad Place.

Okay, well, maybe it's not actually
like all that bad.

Let's just get some information first.

We'll ask Janet. Hey, Janet?

Hi, there.
- Argh!

How can I help you?
- What the fork?

Who are you?
- I'm Janet.

I'm the informational assistant here
in The Good Place.

She's like this walking database.

You can ask her about the creation
of the universe, or history, or...

Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale,
Arizona, around 2002.

His name was Kevin Paltonic.

Is he gay?
- No.

Really?

Huh. I guess he just didn't want
to have sex with me.

That's correct.
- Well, that's fine.

I wasn't that into him anyway.
- Yes, you were.

Okay, Janet. I have a question.

Okay.
- What is The Bad Place like?

Oh, sorry.

That is the one topic
I'm not allowed to tell you about.

I can only play you a brief audio clip
of what is happening there right now.

Okay.

Help me! Help me!

The bear has two mouths!

Well, it doesn't sound awesome.

Does everyone have
a huge house except me?

All right, we need a plan.

I say we just lie low
and hope that they don't notice me.

I'm sorry. I don't think I can help you.

I just don't like being dishonest

and I can't advise you
to be dishonest either.

Come on!
I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit.

You must have told
a few white lies in your life.

I mean what was your job?

I was a professor of Ethics
and Moral Philosophy.

Mother forker!

I'm getting a stomach ache.

I'm in a perfect Utopia
and I have a stomach ache.

This is awful. I, uh...
I think I have to tell Michael about this.

Tell Michael about what?

Michael! Hi!

What have you been up to?

Oh, you know, just settling everyone
into eternal paradise.

Sure, sure.

Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you
to meet Tahani and Jianyu.

They are soulmates
and your nextdoor neighbours.

Hello. Can I just say, I love your house.

It's just so tiny and cute.

It's like a little child's plaything!

It's a bit like one
of those tinker toy houses, isn't it?

Like for a family of mice,
or for a very fancy little dog!

I love it.
It's just so sweet and teensy.

Just like you.

Boop!
- Ooh!

Oh!
- You "booped" me.

I did.

That's fun.
- Oh, I tell ya.

The thought of you four amazing people

living next to each other
for eternity just...

it brings joy to my heart.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Tahani and Jianyu are having
a little "welcome party" tonight

and they've invited
the entire neighbourhood.

Is that because your house
is so big it can fit everybody?

Exactly, yes.

But also
because I simply adore entertaining.

I just adore it.

Don't I just adore it, Jianyu?

Oh, um... yes.

By the way, Jianyu, here,
is a Buddhist monk, you see

and he obeys
a strict code of silence.

So when you see him smiling
and nodding

that's actually his way of jumping up
and down with glee!

Isn't that right, darling?

So, we'll see you tonight.

Great.
- Yes.

This is a sweet dress, right?

Yeah.
- I had Janet fetch it for me.

Instant, on demand, everything free.

This place is the best.

No way.

My entire house could fit in this room.

Okay, uh... help me out here.

Tell me one good thing
that you did on Earth.

Just one truly kind and decent act

so that I can feel better
about helping you out.

Let's forget about good.

Um... just tell me
something neutral about yourself.

Like, tell me about the day
before you died.

What do you remember?

Hi, there.

Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?

Do you have a second
to eat my farts?

You missed.
- Pfft! Pick it up

if you're so horny
for the environment.

I don't remember anything specific.

Oh.
- Look

I might not have been a saint,
but it's not like I killed anybody.

I wasn't an arsonist.

I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP
and thought about returning it

but saw the owner lived out of state

so just took the cash and dropped
the wallet back on the ground.

Okay, that's really specific

and that makes me think
that you definitely did do that.

All I'm saying is,
these people might be "good"

but are they really
that much better than me?

Well, I spent half my life in North Korea
fighting for women's rights

and the other half in Saudi Arabia
fighting for gay rights.

So we said, "If the UN won't remove
those landmines, we will."

And we dug up
over a thousand unexploded landmines

from the area surrounding
the orphanage.

Well, then he said

"You can't give me both your kidneys,
you'll die."

What?
- I said, "But you will live

and I know we just met
on this bus ten minutes ago

but you seem nice."

Forget it. Heading to the bar.

Hey, Janet?
- Hi. How can I help?

I've had eight glasses of wine
and I don't feel anything.

Um, can we not get drunk here?

It's suddenly very important
that I get drunk.

Our default setting
is that alcohol has no effect.

If you want it to affect you,
all you have to do is think to yourself...

Got it. On it.

Thank you. Thank you.

I promise I won't take up
too much time here.

As Shakespeare once said,
"Brevity is the soul of wit."

Although, he's actually...

Oop! So...

We can ignore that advice.

You all know that I am the architect
of this neighbourhood

but what you don't know is...

golly, I'm not supposed
to tell you this but, um...

oh, what the heck?

This is actually the very first neighbourhood
that I have ever designed.

I have been an apprentice
for over two hundred years

and my boss has finally given me
my first solo project!

Aw.

Yes!

Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah!
Hold on there, ace.

Let me get more of them "shrampies."

Easy.

What?
They're for everybody, right?

Yes. Exactly.

...and you deserve a perfect world.

Because every single one of you

is a good person.

That's it for me.
Back to you, Tahani.

Bravo, Michael!
- Thank you.

Bravo!

Um, and I would just like
to quickly say

if any of you would like
to play tennis tonight

we have thirty-six
regulation grass tennis courts.

Such fun! Cheers!

Tahani - what a condescending bench.

Okay, okay.
- Am I right?

Why does she still have
that British accent? Right?

No one else here has an accent.

She's choosing to have that accent.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- "Ooh, hello!

I am just a big beautiful
utterly perfect cartoon giraffe!"

Oh, okay, okay.

I think it's time to go home.

Wait, wait, wait,
I just have to go upstairs real quick

and steal a bunch of gold stuff.

Okay, don't do that.

Don't do... no!
Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor.

Hello, creepy house that I hate!

Hello, one million clowns!

Why aren't there stairs here?

Ugh! What kind of weirdo house is this?

Ooh.

Did you fill your bra with shrimp?

No.

Yes.

Whatever, it's freakin' heaven,
I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish.

That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?

Hey!

At least I can still say "butthead."

Ugh, she is a butthead.

Found some pyjamas.

Chidi? Chidi? Chidi?

I'm sorry
that you had to deal with this.

It's okay.
- It's not, though.

Do you think
anybody cared that I died?

Maybe someone did.

I don't know. I was an only child.

My parents were divorced
when I was a kid.

They were both crummy people

so they're probably...

...in The Bad Place.

Maybe they're being used
to torture each other.

It would work.

I bet way more people cared
that you died.

Because you're a nice person.

You're a nice person.

Chidi Anaconda.

Anagonye.
- "Aginoncamunga."

Anagonye.
- "Ag..." - say it again.

Anagonye.
- No, say what you said before.

I did. It's Anagonye.

You just changed it.
- I didn't change it.

It's my name.
- "Aragugronde," Ariana Grande!

That's a person.

I did it!

Good night.

Good night.

Well, that's terrifying.

Thirty glasses of wine and no hangover.

This place rules.

"Break Free" by Ariana Grande

♪ This is the part when ♪

♪ I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪

Oh, fork!

♪... the part when
I say I don't want ya ♪

♪ I'm stronger than I've been before ♪

♪ This is the part when
I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪

Michael?
- Hmm?

Is that giant, terrifying ladybug
supposed to be there?

Ah! Well, great question, Tahani.

No. No, it's not.

I have no idea why any of this
is happening or how to control it.

Should we run away then?

Yes!

♪ It was lethal. ♪

Right-o!
- ♪ It was fatal. ♪

♪ In my dreams it felt so right. ♪

♪ But I woke up every time. ♪

♪ Oh, baby! ♪

♪ This is the part when
I say I don't want ya. ♪

♪ I'm stronger than I've been before. ♪
- Chidi! Chidi!

What's going on?

Why are there giant animals everywhere?

Do you hear Ariana Grande playing?

Why is everyone
wearing blue and yellow?

You're not.

You're...
you're the only one who's not.

Eleanor, this is all happening
because of you.

Ah, fork me!

Okay, okay, we don't know
this is because of me.

Eleanor.

This place is a perfectly made Swiss watch,
and you are a wrench in the gears.

Actually, you're a hammer,
just smashing the gears into dust.

Oh, hang on.

Not everybody here is perfect, okay?

Tahani is totally condescending
and there are a couple of, you know...

"chunksters."
- Oh, come on!

No judgment, I'm just saying
I'm not the only one with flaws

so how can we be sure
this is my fault?

You hogged all the shrimp,
and now there are shrimp flying around.

You called Tahani a giraffe,
and now there are giraffes everywhere.

Okay, fine. Turns out there are
many ways to know that it was me.

Let's just face it, Eleanor.

You don't belong here.

Well, then this system sucks.

What, one in a million
gets to live in paradise

and everyone else is tortured for eternity?
Come on!

I mean I wasn't freakin' Gandhi,
but I was okay.

I was a medium person.

I should get to spend eternity
in a medium place, like Cincinnati.

Everyone who wasn't perfect,
but wasn't terrible

should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.

Look, apparently it doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry, Eleanor,
but there's nothing anyone can do.

Unless there is something we can do.

Unless you could teach me.

Teach you what?

How to be good!

That was your job, right?

A professor of Ethics?

No one knew I was a problem
when I arrived.

Things only started getting crazy

after I was an ash-hole
to everyone at the party.

Ugh!

You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole,"
and not "ash-hole," right?

I got that, yes.
- Okay.

Give me a chance.

Let me earn my place here.

You spent your life wondering
what makes someone good or bad.

Now you have the perfect test case.

Let me be your ethical guinea pig!

Hey, guys!

Uh... Emergency
neighbourhood meeting! Now!

We'll be right there, Michael.

If I walk out of here in these clothes,
I'm toast.

My soul is in your hands, soulmate.

What's it gonna be?

Oh! Stomach ache.