Original subtitles

Help me.

All foreigners, boy.

Yeah!

Funny, but she does not look Japanese.

No, she's merely working for them this week.

My God, sounds like South Central Los Angeles on a Saturday night out there.

Urania is in the middle of a civil war, Mr. Potter.

I'm sure you knew that before coming out here.

Hell yes, pretty lady. That's exactly why I did come here.

You see, the yen is trading a bit higher on the world exchange than is the

franc.

As long as they're found sterling.

You see, I'm in the munitions game.

I sell guns.

And where better to do it than in this crazy part of the world where

trying to kill everybody else?

Then I guess we have you to thank for the fact that we are trapped in this

embassy, surrounded by armed militants.

I didn't invent their politics at all. I just sold them their pop guns.

And you have no remorse about that?

Hell no.

I'm a card -carrying member of the NRA.

And that means I believe it's every man's God -given right to blow the

out of every other man, regardless of his sex, race, or sexual preference.

And speaking of sexual preference, doll, how would you like to make it with a

hot, red -blooded American?

I beg your pardon?

Come on.

I'll even let you yank my doodle.

It's a dandy, sugar.

Mr.

Potter.

As director of the Swedish Embassy of Urania, I have certain responsibilities,

but one of them is not to go around yanking your doodle.

What's with this accent? Is it me?

No? Well, I suppose you'd rather do it with Frenchie over there.

Are you implying that my money isn't good enough for her?

Your money isn't even good enough for the Americans.

Yes, but go ahead and put me wrong, sir.

If you are referring to Ambassador Jean -Luc Poussey, I have highest regards for

the man, as well as the man he is speaking with, Sir Wilfred Fife Fitz.

He is a speculator for British Petroleum, you know. Huh.

Likely story.

Everyone around this godforsaken place is pretending to be something they're

not.

At least I'm honest about what I do.

And what I'd like to do.

How about one of those Swedish massages that you people are so famous for, Miss

Benson? Forget it. If you're looking for cheap thrills, I suggest you go to her.

Nice. Who is she?

Pam Tiki.

She worked out of the Japanese embassy until they closed it about an hour ago.

She just went into the kitchen area.

Why don't you go fix some...

Gee, perhaps something else will cook up as well, eh? Political gal, huh?

No, hooker.

But she's a lot like a politician.

They both spend most of their time screwing the public.

Here's not the only spot you'll be going for.

Quiet.

You fucking come back.

It has to be hidden in this kitchen.

My sources have never been wrong.

And what have your sources told you you might be finding here, Miss, uh, Tiki?

Well, Sir Fife, I was just looking for, um, I was, uh, looking for this.

Oh, yes, this, uh, is, uh, okay.

Oh, sugar -coated, freeze -dried camel's blood.

Mm, mm, equally good hot or cold.

Really?

The food in this region is absolutely atrocious, and I don't really think

be caught snacking on such an item.

What is it you're really looking for, Miss Tiki? And why don't you make it the

truth this time, hmm?

You know, all the accents in this movie have just sucked, but his is pretty

good.

All right, I was really looking for the top secret plan for the X -22 VP.

You're referring to the Venus pill?

provided such a thing does actually exist.

And what would you be wanting with such an item?

Two things mean power in this world. One is money, and finding those plans would

bring a lot of it to me.

And what exactly is the other item?

Sex, which you can see, I already have plenty of that.

You certainly do.

And the power of my sex says that you're not going to tell anyone what you saw

in here.

Well, I might be counted on to forget a few things.

Well, you better start forgetting.

Sounds like the fireworks have died down a bit out there.

And I'd say that calls for a drink.

I don't know about that, monsieur.

From the look of the fish there, I'd say the fireworks have just started.

Do not think that even a good cup of tea would make him look that happy, huh?

Have a good time at Kitchener with the boy?

Quiet, man.

I believe being trapped in this embassy will be possibly the best thing that's

ever happened to me.

I doubt it. It looks to me like the party has just ended.

Quiet, woman.

I spit on all of your flags.

for allowing your women to speak so freely.

They should have their tongues ripped from their heads if they cannot hold

in silence.

Finally, Mr. Potter, we meet someone who makes you appear absolutely elegant in

comparison.

You have no right to enter this embassy.

This is Swedish soil.

I spit on your soil.

My name is Abubi Ubududu.

I am a captain in the Uranian... Liberation, resistance, army.

I have surrounded this embassy and will keep you here until you cooperate.

Cooperate how?

There is a spy among you.

How do you know that?

Because my general expects me to bring him the head of a spy, and your heads

look as good as any to me.

You have until morning to decide.

The head?

What do you expect us to do, draw bloody lots anyway, hmm?

I suggest you do.

As we have done for thousands of years in my homeland.

When one is to be thrown to the dogs, you pick the old, the sick, the weak,

females.

I will disembowel whichever one you choose and put his hand on my paw. And

if we refuse to cooperate?

Then the rivers of blood will flow from the sand to the sea as I chop you into

tiny pieces and boil a stinky carcass in oil.

You'll have a dirty morning.

Doesn't Chuck... You suppose he'd really do it? Does Madonna show off her tits

every chance she gets?

How can we seriously consider his request?

It's absolutely barbaric to me.

I mean, a Frenchman would never sacrifice the sick and the old and the

save his own life.

I say we give him the American instead.

Oh, I knew I could count on you. You French treat allies the same way as you

treat lovers.

A night of sucking up followed by a morning of being booted out the door.

Son of a bitch.

Gentlemen, please.

I suggest we postpone this conversation until later.

I've prepared some rooms for you upstairs.

Why not go freshen up before we choose our lamb for the slaughter?

Yes, that type of nasty business always goes better after a nap and a hot shave.

Lead on, lovely lady.

Agent Q79 calling in headquarters.

I'm hiding out in a Swedish embassy.

I should be safe here.

My cover as a loose nymph has been secured.

No one could ever possibly suspect me of being a spy.

And this will be your room, Mr. Bousset.

For your own good, I suggest you stay clear from the windows.

I'm a Frenchman, mademoiselle. It is my nature to undress in front of the

windows in hopes that...

Small puppies and little, little ladies will be watching.

Let's

just

think they make perverts.

Will not arouse suspicion.

Well, they don't take perverts in this country, only spies.

Who are you?

A woman.

Too beautiful for her own good, considering there are hundreds of horny

out there.

Well, what would they want with you? There are tons of camels out there.

Camels run much faster than I do.

Well, come in.

I'm sorry, we have no more bedrooms available. I hope this will be

for you.

Yeah.

I'm going to stick around and keep me comfortable.

And what are you suggesting, Mr. Potter? I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just... Now,

if Miss Tiki's sources are correct, the X -22 Venus Vero should be

located somewhere in this kitchen.

Hmm. Where?

So what's a Russian woman doing in an Arab country like this anyway?

How did you know that I was Russian?

I have a good ear for dialects.

Even bad ones.

Very clever of you.

My name is Natasha.

And I come to this country for the purpose of selling tractor parts.

Sure you are.

Let me tell you something, honey.

Beautiful Russian women like you either are ballerinas or spies.

And...

I don't see any ballerina slippers.

In fact, I see spy written all over your... your cute little body.

Then perhaps you should let me stay hidden here. I promise you, comrade. I

be any trouble.

Yeah, message is complete.

What is that?

Who are you? What are you doing?

Senor, my name is Carlita Juanita Maria Prioli.

I snuck into the embassy for safety.

Well, if that's true, why not expose yourself to the rest of us? After all,

are prisoners just like you.

Senor, because I knew the soldiers would think one of you was a spy, I did not

want to be the one. Because you are a spy, admit it.

Si, si, si, senor. Okay, I will admit it, but only to you, because I know your

secret, too.

I have no secret.

You liar.

I heard what you said. I saw what you did, trying to signal the French

which did you no good, anyway.

It was, uh, what you say, empty?

An hour ago.

I said, no, I was working in a disguise as a housekeeper without a green card.

I really am an agent for the government of Mexico.

That's absurd.

What interest would Mexico have in these parts of the world?

We're looking for new land for our people to migrate into.

California is just too crowded.

Very well.

But if we're going to share secrets, we must also share saliva.

Is this a French custom?

One of the best.

Is that the worst Mexican accent you've ever heard in your life?

Oh, it's so good.

You're so sentient.

Horny is a better word.

Oh, I see.

Are you sure you did not swallow a Venus pill?

How did you know about the Venus pill?

My dear, everybody knows about the Venus pill.

Why, every spy in Magnum is looking for it.

Of course, I'm not a spy.

Well, neither am I, but I am horny.

Nonetheless...

That's a pretty weapon, too.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Ah.

I love you all foreigners, boy.

Damn.

Oh, I see.

Your Frenchmen are such great lovers.

I know.

But your accent is really bad.

So is yours.

I'm glad that there is such a thing.

If there is such a thing, I've heard that it's only grounds.

You know, you can't believe everything that you hear.

Hmm.

Now, if I were a Swede, where would I hide an X -22?

Hmm.

Swedish meatballs, of course.

Ah, yes.

Got it.

X -22.

Little

pill.

You're going to make me the most famous spy on all the continent.

Just a few moments. I saw the sun rising from the window of my room and became a

bit anxious, you see.

Well, shit, enough of this waiting.

I know who the spy is. In order to save my own skin, I'm prepared to finger this

person. Well, now, old boy, don't hold your tongue. Who is it?

It's her.

Pam and I met last week when she summoned me to the Japanese embassy so

could buy guns for the rebels.

That is preposterous. What?

Interest could the Japanese have in arming the rebels.

Simple.

You see, the current government only imports American cars.

And it was Pam's job to change all that.

You see, she only pretends to be a nymph who pretends to be a hooker who

pretends to be a diplomat.

Instead, she's really a spy who pretends to be a hooker who pretends to be a

diplomat. This is true, but there's another spy in this room that I've dealt

with before.

And there she is. That's Carlita Juanita Maria Frijole, a Central American

operative. I once did a case with her cousin of a brother of a sister in

City.

All right, all right, I'm a spy.

But so is he.

I saw him flashing the French embassy from the upstairs window.

I knew he was a pervert.

Mademoiselle. I'll have you know I do my flashing with a flashlight.

I should have known you would kiss and tell.

But I'm not the only one around here who gets his check signed with invisible

ink.

I was sent to this godforsaken country to keep an eye on that man.

The only oil speculating he does is the oil that gets put into British armoured

tanks.

But the reason I came here this evening was because I knew I would be safe in

the den of the greatest agent ever to work this region.

I am speaking of the dragon lady herself, Ingrid Bentham.

At your service.

My God.

You mean I'm the only one here who actually isn't a spy?

Of course you're no spy.

Everyone in this business knows that the CIA is holding their annual convention

in Miami.

Everyone who is anyone who says they're not will be there.

And for once, the Americans aren't going to take the rap.

What a relief.

I'm sick and tired of hearing everyone yell CIA every time something goes wrong

in the world.

The time is up.

Unless you would like me to hack off your feet before I make you walk home

across this scorching desert, I suggest one of you tell me, who is this spy?

They're all lying.

They're all the spies, not me.

Hey, you're making a big mistake here, pal. I am very well connected in the

United States.

Well, I can even get you in the convenience store business.

I already have that market cornered.

Hey, come on.

Since you have cooperated so well, the rest of you may leave my country in

peace.

Welcome back now, you hear?

Well, that worked out. And who better to take the fall than a gun smuggler to

think of all the death and destruction he's been responsible for.

What are you talking about? We have to shoot and kill and destroy.

As agents for the world's leading nations, we represent everything that's

and wholesome in the world.

Ta -ta.

I gotta go feed my chicken.

I think this calls for a celebration.

I hope you two will join me in some brandy. I'd be happy to.

Um, don't you think that might possibly be a bit early?

Some people like it in the morning, Mr. Phipps.

I know I do.

Yes, well.

Thank you.

My, that has a really odd taste to it.

Yes.

I don't recall ever tasting this flavor before.

And what an interesting sensation it left while going down.

I know, and it made me feel hot all over.

Me too.

Why don't we go step into the back garden and get some fresh air?

I'm with you.

You know, rumor has it that a woman who's had a bit of the Venus pill will

to fuck for 24 hours straight.

Of course, the only man that could possibly satisfy her is a gentleman

also had a bit of the Venus pill.

Oh, bloody hell, why not?

morning already.

And what a beautiful day it's going to be.

Diplomatic relation.

Shall we begin?

I've been trained quite a long time for this type of activity.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

As you put something else in yours.

Do you like that?

I would say I do like it.

Quite a bit.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.