All language subtitles for Foreign Affairs xx

Help me.

All foreigners, boy.

Yeah!

Funny, but she does not look Japanese.

No, she's merely working for them this
week.

My God, sounds like South Central Los
Angeles on a Saturday night out there.

Urania is in the middle of a civil war,
Mr. Potter.

I'm sure you knew that before coming out
here.

Hell yes, pretty lady. That's exactly
why I did come here.

You see, the yen is trading a bit higher
on the world exchange than is the

franc.

As long as they're found sterling.

You see, I'm in the munitions game.

I sell guns.

And where better to do it than in this
crazy part of the world where

trying to kill everybody else?

Then I guess we have you to thank for
the fact that we are trapped in this

embassy, surrounded by armed militants.

I didn't invent their politics at all. I
just sold them their pop guns.

And you have no remorse about that?

Hell no.

I'm a card -carrying member of the NRA.

And that means I believe it's every
man's God -given right to blow the

out of every other man, regardless of
his sex, race, or sexual preference.

And speaking of sexual preference, doll,
how would you like to make it with a

hot, red -blooded American?

I beg your pardon?

Come on.

I'll even let you yank my doodle.

It's a dandy, sugar.

Mr.

Potter.

As director of the Swedish Embassy of
Urania, I have certain responsibilities,

but one of them is not to go around
yanking your doodle.

What's with this accent? Is it me?

No? Well, I suppose you'd rather do it
with Frenchie over there.

Are you implying that my money isn't
good enough for her?

Your money isn't even good enough for
the Americans.

Yes, but go ahead and put me wrong, sir.

If you are referring to Ambassador Jean
-Luc Poussey, I have highest regards for

the man, as well as the man he is
speaking with, Sir Wilfred Fife Fitz.

He is a speculator for British
Petroleum, you know. Huh.

Likely story.

Everyone around this godforsaken place
is pretending to be something they're

not.

At least I'm honest about what I do.

And what I'd like to do.

How about one of those Swedish massages
that you people are so famous for, Miss

Benson? Forget it. If you're looking for
cheap thrills, I suggest you go to her.

Nice. Who is she?

Pam Tiki.

She worked out of the Japanese embassy
until they closed it about an hour ago.

She just went into the kitchen area.

Why don't you go fix some...

Gee, perhaps something else will cook up
as well, eh? Political gal, huh?

No, hooker.

But she's a lot like a politician.

They both spend most of their time
screwing the public.

Here's not the only spot you'll be going
for.

Quiet.

You fucking come back.

It has to be hidden in this kitchen.

My sources have never been wrong.

And what have your sources told you you
might be finding here, Miss, uh, Tiki?

Well, Sir Fife, I was just looking for,
um, I was, uh, looking for this.

Oh, yes, this, uh, is, uh, okay.

Oh, sugar -coated, freeze -dried camel's
blood.

Mm, mm, equally good hot or cold.

Really?

The food in this region is absolutely
atrocious, and I don't really think

be caught snacking on such an item.

What is it you're really looking for,
Miss Tiki? And why don't you make it the

truth this time, hmm?

You know, all the accents in this movie
have just sucked, but his is pretty

good.

All right, I was really looking for the
top secret plan for the X -22 VP.

You're referring to the Venus pill?

provided such a thing does actually
exist.

And what would you be wanting with such
an item?

Two things mean power in this world. One
is money, and finding those plans would

bring a lot of it to me.

And what exactly is the other item?

Sex, which you can see, I already have
plenty of that.

You certainly do.

And the power of my sex says that you're
not going to tell anyone what you saw

in here.

Well, I might be counted on to forget a
few things.

Well, you better start forgetting.

Sounds like the fireworks have died down
a bit out there.

And I'd say that calls for a drink.

I don't know about that, monsieur.

From the look of the fish there, I'd say
the fireworks have just started.

Do not think that even a good cup of tea
would make him look that happy, huh?

Have a good time at Kitchener with the
boy?

Quiet, man.

I believe being trapped in this embassy
will be possibly the best thing that's

ever happened to me.

I doubt it. It looks to me like the
party has just ended.

Quiet, woman.

I spit on all of your flags.

for allowing your women to speak so
freely.

They should have their tongues ripped
from their heads if they cannot hold

in silence.

Finally, Mr. Potter, we meet someone who
makes you appear absolutely elegant in

comparison.

You have no right to enter this embassy.

This is Swedish soil.

I spit on your soil.

My name is Abubi Ubududu.

I am a captain in the Uranian...
Liberation, resistance, army.

I have surrounded this embassy and will
keep you here until you cooperate.

Cooperate how?

There is a spy among you.

How do you know that?

Because my general expects me to bring
him the head of a spy, and your heads

look as good as any to me.

You have until morning to decide.

The head?

What do you expect us to do, draw bloody
lots anyway, hmm?

I suggest you do.

As we have done for thousands of years
in my homeland.

When one is to be thrown to the dogs,
you pick the old, the sick, the weak,

females.

I will disembowel whichever one you
choose and put his hand on my paw. And

if we refuse to cooperate?

Then the rivers of blood will flow from
the sand to the sea as I chop you into

tiny pieces and boil a stinky carcass in
oil.

You'll have a dirty morning.

Doesn't Chuck... You suppose he'd really
do it? Does Madonna show off her tits

every chance she gets?

How can we seriously consider his
request?

It's absolutely barbaric to me.

I mean, a Frenchman would never
sacrifice the sick and the old and the

save his own life.

I say we give him the American instead.

Oh, I knew I could count on you. You
French treat allies the same way as you

treat lovers.

A night of sucking up followed by a
morning of being booted out the door.

Son of a bitch.

Gentlemen, please.

I suggest we postpone this conversation
until later.

I've prepared some rooms for you
upstairs.

Why not go freshen up before we choose
our lamb for the slaughter?

Yes, that type of nasty business always
goes better after a nap and a hot shave.

Lead on, lovely lady.

Agent Q79 calling in headquarters.

I'm hiding out in a Swedish embassy.

I should be safe here.

My cover as a loose nymph has been
secured.

No one could ever possibly suspect me of
being a spy.

And this will be your room, Mr. Bousset.

For your own good, I suggest you stay
clear from the windows.

I'm a Frenchman, mademoiselle. It is my
nature to undress in front of the

windows in hopes that...

Small puppies and little, little ladies
will be watching.

Let's

just

think they make perverts.

Will not arouse suspicion.

Well, they don't take perverts in this
country, only spies.

Who are you?

A woman.

Too beautiful for her own good,
considering there are hundreds of horny

out there.

Well, what would they want with you?
There are tons of camels out there.

Camels run much faster than I do.

Well, come in.

I'm sorry, we have no more bedrooms
available. I hope this will be

for you.

Yeah.

I'm going to stick around and keep me
comfortable.

And what are you suggesting, Mr. Potter?
I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just...
Now,

if Miss Tiki's sources are correct, the
X -22 Venus Vero should be

located somewhere in this kitchen.

Hmm. Where?

So what's a Russian woman doing in an
Arab country like this anyway?

How did you know that I was Russian?

I have a good ear for dialects.

Even bad ones.

Very clever of you.

My name is Natasha.

And I come to this country for the
purpose of selling tractor parts.

Sure you are.

Let me tell you something, honey.

Beautiful Russian women like you either
are ballerinas or spies.

And...

I don't see any ballerina slippers.

In fact, I see spy written all over
your... your cute little body.

Then perhaps you should let me stay
hidden here. I promise you, comrade. I

be any trouble.

Yeah, message is complete.

What is that?

Who are you? What are you doing?

Senor, my name is Carlita Juanita Maria
Prioli.

I snuck into the embassy for safety.

Well, if that's true, why not expose
yourself to the rest of us? After all,

are prisoners just like you.

Senor, because I knew the soldiers would
think one of you was a spy, I did not

want to be the one. Because you are a
spy, admit it.

Si, si, si, senor. Okay, I will admit
it, but only to you, because I know your

secret, too.

I have no secret.

You liar.

I heard what you said. I saw what you
did, trying to signal the French

which did you no good, anyway.

It was, uh, what you say, empty?

An hour ago.

I said, no, I was working in a disguise
as a housekeeper without a green card.

I really am an agent for the government
of Mexico.

That's absurd.

What interest would Mexico have in these
parts of the world?

We're looking for new land for our
people to migrate into.

California is just too crowded.

Very well.

But if we're going to share secrets, we
must also share saliva.

Is this a French custom?

One of the best.

Is that the worst Mexican accent you've
ever heard in your life?

Oh, it's so good.

You're so sentient.

Horny is a better word.

Oh, I see.

Are you sure you did not swallow a Venus
pill?

How did you know about the Venus pill?

My dear, everybody knows about the Venus
pill.

Why, every spy in Magnum is looking for
it.

Of course, I'm not a spy.

Well, neither am I, but I am horny.

Nonetheless...

That's a pretty weapon, too.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Ah.

I love you all foreigners, boy.

Damn.

Oh, I see.

Your Frenchmen are such great lovers.

I know.

But your accent is really bad.

So is yours.

I'm glad that there is such a thing.

If there is such a thing, I've heard
that it's only grounds.

You know, you can't believe everything
that you hear.

Hmm.

Now, if I were a Swede, where would I
hide an X -22?

Hmm.

Swedish meatballs, of course.

Ah, yes.

Got it.

X -22.

Little

pill.

You're going to make me the most famous
spy on all the continent.

Just a few moments. I saw the sun rising
from the window of my room and became a

bit anxious, you see.

Well, shit, enough of this waiting.

I know who the spy is. In order to save
my own skin, I'm prepared to finger this

person. Well, now, old boy, don't hold
your tongue. Who is it?

It's her.

Pam and I met last week when she
summoned me to the Japanese embassy so

could buy guns for the rebels.

That is preposterous. What?

Interest could the Japanese have in
arming the rebels.

Simple.

You see, the current government only
imports American cars.

And it was Pam's job to change all that.

You see, she only pretends to be a nymph
who pretends to be a hooker who

pretends to be a diplomat.

Instead, she's really a spy who pretends
to be a hooker who pretends to be a

diplomat. This is true, but there's
another spy in this room that I've dealt

with before.

And there she is. That's Carlita Juanita
Maria Frijole, a Central American

operative. I once did a case with her
cousin of a brother of a sister in

City.

All right, all right, I'm a spy.

But so is he.

I saw him flashing the French embassy
from the upstairs window.

I knew he was a pervert.

Mademoiselle. I'll have you know I do my
flashing with a flashlight.

I should have known you would kiss and
tell.

But I'm not the only one around here who
gets his check signed with invisible

ink.

I was sent to this godforsaken country
to keep an eye on that man.

The only oil speculating he does is the
oil that gets put into British armoured

tanks.

But the reason I came here this evening
was because I knew I would be safe in

the den of the greatest agent ever to
work this region.

I am speaking of the dragon lady
herself, Ingrid Bentham.

At your service.

My God.

You mean I'm the only one here who
actually isn't a spy?

Of course you're no spy.

Everyone in this business knows that the
CIA is holding their annual convention

in Miami.

Everyone who is anyone who says they're
not will be there.

And for once, the Americans aren't going
to take the rap.

What a relief.

I'm sick and tired of hearing everyone
yell CIA every time something goes wrong

in the world.

The time is up.

Unless you would like me to hack off
your feet before I make you walk home

across this scorching desert, I suggest
one of you tell me, who is this spy?

They're all lying.

They're all the spies, not me.

Hey, you're making a big mistake here,
pal. I am very well connected in the

United States.

Well, I can even get you in the
convenience store business.

I already have that market cornered.

Hey, come on.

Since you have cooperated so well, the
rest of you may leave my country in

peace.

Welcome back now, you hear?

Well, that worked out. And who better to
take the fall than a gun smuggler to

think of all the death and destruction
he's been responsible for.

What are you talking about? We have to
shoot and kill and destroy.

As agents for the world's leading
nations, we represent everything that's

and wholesome in the world.

Ta -ta.

I gotta go feed my chicken.

I think this calls for a celebration.

I hope you two will join me in some
brandy. I'd be happy to.

Um, don't you think that might possibly
be a bit early?

Some people like it in the morning, Mr.
Phipps.

I know I do.

Yes, well.

Thank you.

My, that has a really odd taste to it.

Yes.

I don't recall ever tasting this flavor
before.

And what an interesting sensation it
left while going down.

I know, and it made me feel hot all
over.

Me too.

Why don't we go step into the back
garden and get some fresh air?

I'm with you.

You know, rumor has it that a woman
who's had a bit of the Venus pill will

to fuck for 24 hours straight.

Of course, the only man that could
possibly satisfy her is a gentleman

also had a bit of the Venus pill.

Oh, bloody hell, why not?

morning already.

And what a beautiful day it's going to
be.

Diplomatic relation.

Shall we begin?

I've been trained quite a long time for
this type of activity.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

As you put something else in yours.

Do you like that?

I would say I do like it.

Quite a bit.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.