Original subtitles

Can you get that inky?

Back over here kicking this ladder.

Now, Lance, the media has never commented in interviews on how big you

comment?

Look, I don't think about that. I never measured it.

I guess it's pretty good. In fact, it's great. You know, they're all big on

screen. Well, do you enjoy your sex scenes with co -star Linda Hans?

Well, Linda Hans is the studio's top star.

That's why we work together.

And do you get together off camera?

Linda and I have our own private lives, so the only time we're together is when

we're shooting.

Well, I'm sure you have a very busy life, and it must be draining.

Not really.

Well, that's what I've heard.

Oh.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we have dinner tonight? Maybe we can...

continue this conversation about my after hours reputation.

Sorry, Lance, I can't. I have all these things. I hate to interrupt your

interview, Mr. Hardy, but literally speaking, we do have to get this fucking

scene shot.

That's if you can be up for it.

Well,

international box office star Lance Hardy has to get it hard.

Okay, heat him up.

All righty.

Box office star, really.

We're sided. We're sided.

We watch too many of your old movies.

Now, if your cock were as hard as your head, maybe we could get started.

You know, you got a terrific mouth.

So I've been told.

Especially when no words come out of it.

Oh, for God's sakes, Linda.

This is supposed to be a sex scene. You're a nympho. Instead, you're acting

my wife.

Quiet on the set, everybody.

I'm sorry.

Okay, okay.

Let's just get this thing started then so we can get this dumb scene over with.

You know he's right.

Roll sound.

Rolling.

Speed.

Speed. Mark it.

Mark it.

Action.

What did she do?

Oh, did it hurt him?

Linda bit Lance on his most precious asset.

Okay, Phil.

There's something I want you to say to both of them for me and Mr. Koontz.

Tell them to stop acting like prima donnas and finish the fucking movie!

Now, if they don't do it, they'll never start another picture together again, or

separately either.

Oh, what did she do now, Phil?

She did what?

All right, Phil, I'll get back to you.

Lance said something to provoke Linda.

So she bit his cock and walked off the set.

Lance Hardy, boy asshole.

Harvey, somewhere out there, there's got to be another schmuck with a pretty

face and a big putz and able to come on cue.

And if I ever find him, I'll run Mr. Lance Hardy's ass right out of

You know, Bernie, this asshole that you're talking about, his last three

pictures netted us 1 .8 mil.

And that doesn't include the licensing fees for Lance Hardy vibrators and the

Lance Hardy dildos. He's still an asshole.

Harvey, I'm going to put out a casting call. I'm going to get two new stars.

going to replace them both.

Just in case you've forgotten, we've taken a couple of advances for another

Lance Hardy Linda Hand picture.

So, we'd better come up with a Hardy Hand picture.

Hello? Hi, Ginger.

No, I really don't feel like going shopping today.

Well, I thought I'd just, I don't know, sit around by the pool and answer some

fan mail.

Okay, sure.

All right, bye.

Dear Miss Hand, I'm one of your many fans.

I jerk off to all your movies.

Once the theater manager caught me and kicked me out.

Now I go to another theater.

Could I have a picture of you? Your devoted fan.

How sweet.

It's 78 sunny degrees on a beautiful day in Los Angeles. And you're listening to

non -stop music on your favorite radio station.

Yeah? Uh, Miss Linda Hand?

Yes, what do you want?

Uh, I'm here with the Apex Pool Service.

I'm here to serve with you.

I mean the pool. To serve at the pool. It's your regular day.

Where's Mr. Miranda?

Uh, he's in Europe on vacation.

Well, the pool business must be pretty lucrative.

Oh, well, if it's not convenient now, I could come back at another time.

Well, you're here now. You might as well come on in and get it done.

No, what's your name?

Cochran, ma 'am.

Miss Cochran?

No first name?

Well, they call me Bud, ma 'am.

Tell you what, I'll call you Bud if you stop calling me ma 'am. Make me sound

like Queen Victoria.

I think I'm still too young to play that part.

You are the Linda Hamm from the movies, aren't you?

You've seen some of my films.

I've seen good enough to eat, and genitals prefer blondes. Since I've been

I've been to the Pussycat Cinema a couple of times. But back home, a group

guys and me, we go to the theater almost every week.

It won't bother you if I lay out here and get some sun, will it?

No, ma 'am.

I mean, no.

No, it won't.

Bud, why don't you come over here and put some oil on me?

Bud?

Is this part of your usual service, Bud?

You see anybody in the water with me?

No.

I don't know.

What's the score?

Not the game, schmuck. What do you think of the act?

What's the big deal?

She only gets one channel.

Turn that thing down a little, will you, honey?

You've got an interesting act.

We'll let you know.

You've got nice tits, Toots.

We'll let you know. Thank you very much.

Next.

Thank you very much.

Send the next girl in, will you?

Next.

I can't take much more of this.

Call back that girl, Daisy.

Buttercup? It's Daisy.

Oh, yes, yes.

Daisy.

Daisy, Mr.

Cox and I...

would like you to test for a part we've got coming up.

We think you'd be perfect.

So why don't you come back here next Thursday, and on your way out, you see

Dorothy, our secretary, she'll give you all the details.

How about that?

Okay, can I put my clothes back on?

Oh, of course, my dear. How thoughtless of me, how thoughtless of me.

Oh, and I wanted to thank you both.

Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure.

Sly dog.

Goodbye. Next Thursday.

Harvey,

Harvey.

It ain't easy.

But someone's got to do it.

Harvey, why don't you go see Mike Taylor?

Packman, you know, you really ought to be in pictures.

You mean in fuck films?

You certainly have a way with words.

You want to give me another audition?

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Oh, my God.

Mr.

Hardy?

You still come on Mr. Cox's desk.

Oh, it's too bad.

Why don't you put some on Kunze's desk, too?

Mr. Hardy, thank you.

Lance,

you're late again.

You know, you've got to give up this. I'm the greatest sex machine that ever

walks stuff, you know?

We've got a screen test to do today.

I'm sorry, I'm late, okay?

Hi.

I'm really sorry I'm late.

Okay, honey, get them hard.

Huh?

You've got some approach, Phil.

Miss, honey, what's your name?

Daisy. Daisy Chaney.

Well, Daisy, didn't they explain to you in casting what was expected of you for

this screen test?

Well, sort of, I guess.

Then you do understand that Lance Hardy is going to insert his thus swollen

penis into your warm, moist vagina and plunge it in and out for as long as

possible until hopefully you two experience the... primal pleasure of an

But, before any of this can take place, first, he must have an erection.

And that is what we are asking of you now.

Well, just tell me what you want me to do.

For God's sakes, girl, didn't your mother teach you anything?

Tickle his asshole, titty fuck him, suck his toes, sit on his face, work it by

hand, do anything, just fucking do it!

Excuse us for a minute, okay?

Good.

Don't mind him. He's a little nervous, I guess.

It was late, so it's really my fault.

He's really hollering at me, not hollering at you.

This is very simple. All we have to do is, like, go.

It's simpler than you think.

Yeah, do you have a boyfriend?

No. Well, you've had one at one time, right? Right.

And, you know, when you made love to him, the little things that you did,

fun. That's just about what we're going to do here.

It's very simple.

It's not any special thing you have to do. Just be yourself and you only need

one pussy.

And I think you love it.

I'll teach you everything you have to know.

Did you ever suck cock before?

Yeah.

You did?

Sort of. A little bit, huh?

So it's really... Very easy.

Just sort of like what you did before.

Just think about that.

See?

Jeez, it's so big.

Is it really?

Yeah.

Here, why don't you go down there?

Like fucking an ice cream cone.

See,

that's a fucking heart.

To do him.

He's going to relax.

Good. I think she's got it. Bye, George. She's got it.

Lance Hardy has risen, and so has my salary.

Places, everyone. Get ready for a take.

Heat them up.

Roll sound.

They're what? They're sensitive.

I don't know.

Print it. All right. Great.

Sensational. Really fucking sensational.

She's a natural, can I say.

Hi.

Hi, Ginger. Come on in.

You look great. You want a drink?

Oh, okay.

So, uh, how's the biggest cock in Hollywood?

Your leading man.

That arrogant asshole and I will no longer be working together.

I have found a new leading man, though. That won't be easy, Linda. The, uh,

Lance Hardy schlong is legendary.

Oh, yeah, he's a terrific lover.

Too bad he's so inconsiderate.

Huh. Could this be love?

So, did you bring your equipment?

Oh, yeah, sure. You know, I've only done rock stars before. Who is this guy? Is

he your new boyfriend?

He's going to be a big star in the movies.

You mean your kind of movies?

He must really be hung.

What's his name? Is he cute?

Is he circumcised?

That's him now.

Hi. Hi.

I didn't know you had a company.

Oh, Bud Cochran. This is Ginger Glover. Hi.

You want something to drink?

Yeah, you got a beer?

Sure.

Make yourself at home.

How you doing?

Great.

Cute, Linda.

I think I'm going to enjoy casting him.

What do you mean, cast me? She work for your studio?

She's going to preserve you for posterity.

I don't get it.

Well, she's going to make a plaster cast of your cock.

No, she isn't.

Oh, it won't hurt. You'll love it.

You're a bunch of degenerates. You know that, don't you? Yeah. You got that

right.

Let's get his pants off. All right.

Oh, come on. Hey, this is humiliating to me. We just met.

I'm just going to cast you, not castrate you.

Come on. Let's get these pants on. This isn't right.

It's sick.

Sick. Get in there.

We'll need some water. This is sick.

Degenerate. I got them right here. I know.

Perverted. Have a seat.

Just sit.

What are you going to do now?

What are we going to do now? Well, let's get his pants off and get him hard. I

can't make the casting unless he's good and hard.

Come on now.

Look, I don't cotton for being made a fool of, right?

No.

You're going to love this.

Come on, you want this. Help me a little bit. You're wrong.

Here, let's get this under his ass. I don't want to make a mess.

What are you worried about, the furniture?

I'm not worried about a thing, honey.

Underwear, too. We can't do it through the underwear, you know.

I sure hope you don't hurt me. I mean, I'm a gentleman at times, man.

Oh, it's going to be excruciating.

You're going to love it.

Shit.

Jeez, I feel like I'm at the dentist.

I can never get hard now.

Well, I might get hard.

How am I going to get this off when it hardens?

Well, you can't keep it up forever, Stud. When you get smaller, it'll slide

right off.

I think I'll use bronze so that even when you're gone, your mighty organ will

remain as in life, always ready for another recital.

Just give it a couple of minutes for the plaster to harden, and we're all set.

Ginger, you know, you're a master cockcaster.

Thank you. How am I supposed to stay hard with this thing on?

That's a great idea.

Now watch closely, Cochran. You may never see anything like this again.

Let's get these off.

So it's tease time, huh?

You're going to fuck your toes, Cochran.

What's your health?

Oh.

Oh. It's pretty warm.

Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you've got a good toe, baby.

Oh,

God. Oh,

God, from what big toes you have.

Nice foot massages, I'll tell you that.

Master, first.

I've got a cup. A cup? Mm -hmm.

Just eyeball it.

Then how much water? Oh.

Why about half a cup?

Then stir it. It was too tight.

Give me that dildo.

What? There's a dildo in my bag.

Get it for me.

Quick.

I think he's ready, Lando. Are you? Wait a minute. I got it. It's right here.

Well,

I guess we're going to have to make him hard again.

Repent, sir.

You two talk.

I'm going down to the Nazi sex slave company and see how they're doing. Nice

see you again, Linda.

Nice seeing you, Mr. Cox.

I love him like a brother, but I sure wish he'd see my tailor.

Bernie, darling, what this studio needs is a

big, fresh, new cock attached to a nice,

easygoing, and easy to get along with young man.

And as the sun slowly sinks over the western horizon,

We say a not -so -fond farewell to Lance Hardy.

What's his name?

Bud Cochran. Well, actually, it's Longstreet Cochran. Oh, some

that up.

No, it's for real.

Oh, it's too good to be true.

Okay. Have him here tomorrow morning. We'll shoot a test.

Bernie, darling!

I know you're really going to be impressed with him.

Ah, Linda, baby, if only I wasn't happily married to Bertha these 28

Morning, Phil.

Ah, Linda.

One of the hundred reasons I love you so much is you're always on time.

Oh, so tell me another 50 or 60 reasons.

Linda, my dear, if all my stars were as easy to work with as you are, my life

would be so much better.

Thanks, Phil.

Is this the new star?

Oh, Bud, this is Phil Parker. Now, he's directed all of my pictures, and he's

the very best.

Phil, this is Bud Cochran. How do you do? Now, I want you to remember that

He's going to be very big.

Of course, he's already pretty big.

But what I mean to say is that he's going to be well -known. Oh, and Phil, I

just want to tell you how much I appreciate you doing Bud's screen test.

Who's he working with?

Ah.

You, Miss, come over here. I want to introduce you.

Linda, Bud, this is, what's your name?

Daisy, Daisy Chaney.

Ah, Daisy.

This is Miss Hand.

Oh, Miss Hand, I've seen all your pictures. You give the greatest head.

Thank you.

And this is Bud Cochran. You'll be working with Bud today.

Ooh, he's cute.

Well, I'm going to leave the three of you to your movie -making magic.

Try not to act too nervous now. Okay, look right in the lens.

Okay, now look back at me.

And action.

Well, Harvey, what do you think? I say we let him play the lead with Linda in

our next picture.

Yes, yes, please say yes.

We still have the unfinished matinee idol to deal with.

And we've got to honor our commitments to our distributors and deliver them a

Lance Hardy, Linda Hand film.

You mean a Linda Hand, Lance Hardy film, don't you, Mr. Cox?

Whatever.

Okay. I'll finish this one film with Lance Hardy, but it's the last time I'm

ever going to work with him.

From now on, my leading man is Bud Cochran.

Linda, Linda, we'll work something out.

I'm sorry, Harvey, I only... Bernie, they got their brains between their

Harvey, they just don't realize the attraction they have for one another.

Well, maybe you're right. You know, this studio's success is attributable to

Lance and Linda together.

Well, hell, they've acted like this towards one another ever since the

Whatever is between them sure works well on the screen.

Don't fool with a winning combination.

Lance Harding.

I'm really glad we had a chance to get together tonight.

You know, Doris has done some research on what you do, your lifestyle. You

we're not squares. We understand this. I think it's terrific.

And I know about your relationship with your studio, Sensational International.

It's fine.

But I don't think you're really getting the proper edge.

What I'm proposing, I think, will blow the lid off the market and boost your

career.

Blow the lid off the market?

Tell him, Doris.

You tell him, Walter.

I'm embarrassed.

He's embarrassed.

Lance Hardy's advice to women about sex.

What? To women about sex?

Written by Lance Hardy?

Lance Hardy advice about sex?

Or when?

Cut on the clincher, Doris.

Hardcover?

Bestseller? My husband will publish a book that you will write that gives

to women about sex.

I think it'll make the New York Times bestseller list and probably run for a

year. I'm talking something very big.

Yeah? I think it's sensational.

Doris came up with the idea. I'm the publisher. I'm handling the overall

package. You know, the financing.

Doris will work out the details with you, how it's going to work, still edit

the whole thing.

Doris, do me a favor. Take him home.

Go over the details with him. When you do that for him, show him how it works.

You got any questions? No problem. I got to get out of here. All right, Doris,

let's take him home.

You look good.

Don't you look good? Great.

Thank you.

You got a nice place here.

So, we're going to...

You want me to do a little book? Write a book, huh?

Listen, Lance.

Walter will never find out about this.

Huh? He could never understand how I really feel about you.

Only I understand, Lance. I know what you feel.

You know what I feel?

Listen to me, Lance. I'm talking about a relationship here. Mrs.

Michaels. Doris. Hey, Doris. Look, Doris, you don't understand what this

business is like. And I'm not really what you think I am. I know. I know,

So you just relax and stay right here and don't move.

I'm going to slip into something.

More comfortable.

More expressive.

I gotta get out of here.

Maybe I'll stay.

I mean, she's not that bad looking.

She's cute and a good piece of ass, maybe.

I don't know if we'll know.

No, I better go. I'll stay.

No. Yeah, I'll stay.

I'll stay.

Just relax and lie, little guy.

I'll do everything.

I gotta get out of here.

What a bad sport.

With warmest regards, Sensational International Pictures, Harvey D. Cox,

Chairman of the Board, Bernard A. Kunst, President.

Thank you, Dorothy. That'll be all.

You're welcome, sir.

Oh.

Hi, Dorothy. How's my favorite secretary?

I'm doing well, Mr. Hardy. Thank you.

You know, you, uh... You look very... Respectful.

You look well yourself, sir.

Well, thank you, Mr. Hardy, for honoring us with your esteemed presence.

Cut the crap, Ernie. Get to the point. We want to see me about.

We want you...

to finish Matinee Idol with Linda.

Well, what about that other actress we tested?

Daisy, what's her name? Daisy Chaney. Yes, her test looked great. Just great.

But... But we've got to recoup our money from Matinee Idol, and the only way to

do that is for you and Linda both to finish the picture.

Well, suppose I agree.

Then how are you going to get Linda to go along with this?

We've already talked to Linda, and she's agreed.

She's going to cooperate fully.

And then after matinee idol is completed, we can drop Linda and replace

Daisy in the next film.

Crazy.

How do you drop Linda Hand?

We don't need two female stars on one lot. Now, Linda's too old. She's over

hill. I think your partner's going a little wacky.

I think you're crazy.

Linda Hand, pastor prime, she's the best.

She can still raise every cop from here to the East Coast.

including a couple of old men that I know.

All right, when do you want to resume filming? Tomorrow morning at 8 o 'clock

sharp, so be there.

Oh, I'll be there.

I told you, Bernie, they got their brains between their legs.

If you two are ready, I'd like to get started.

Places, everyone. Get ready for a take.

Heat them up.

Roll sound.

Mark.

Action.

You knew I was following you all that time, didn't you?

Huh?

I was watching you.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I knew.

You wanted this car, didn't you?

Give it to me.

Oh, you can keep it.

I'm not your husband. You can talk to me if you can't talk to me that way.

I give you what I want and when I want it. You understand?

You did.

Huh?

That's it, don't I? You little bitch.

How's it feel having a baby?

I love it.

Your husband doesn't have a car, does he? Not like you.

Let's cut and go for a new angle now.

Lance.

I just want you to know that I'm really sorry about...

No, no, no. There's no reason to apologize.

It was my fault.

Well, I guess actually we both have reason to apologize.

Yeah, I guess.

It's nice to see you two aren't fighting.

Okay, ready, everybody.

We're back in business.

Places, everyone. Get ready for a take.

Heat them up.

Now, hold on a second.

I'm not hard.

It's hard to get my dick up from the list.

You don't mind, do you? No.

Let me get back in character.

The camera's just on your faces. Can't we get this thing shot?

Hey, I'm going to tell you something.

You know, I got to be insider, all right?

It's all right, Lance. We're holding.

I do the soft core stuff. It's okay. I don't want to pretend. I want to feel

If we don't start soon, we'll be into overtime, Lance.

You know, sometimes you're... Don't get me upset, all right?

Jesus. Roll sound.

Mark. Action.

Love your business.

Fuck me.

Turn me over.

What? Turn me over.

Like that?

Oh, my God.

Honey,

I... You got it.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Right.

Okay? Yeah, I'm good. Okay for you? No, no, no.

That's a good shot.

Wrap for the day.

Nice work.

Someone knows where they are.

Hey.

How about dinner sometime?

Really?

I'd like that.

Hey,

nice place you have.

You know, I don't think I've ever been happier Lance.

Yeah, is that before after you locked me out of the house Would you like a drink

I'd love one. Thanks You know you made Daisy and Bud very

happy too. It wasn't for you. They had never met It wasn't for you. They'd have

never met And to tell me something

You think you could marry me?

No.

Hard man's good to find.

You didn't let me finish.

What I meant to say is, why do you want to marry me?

Well, let me see.

It might take a while.

If you say yes, I'll spend the rest of our lives telling you why.

No, this is the first time that we're alone together.

And Mr.

and Mrs. Cochran, by the power vested in me by the state of California, I

pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

And Mr.

Hardy and Miss Hand, I just want to tell you how much my wife and I enjoy

watching your films.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What? Congratulations.

Thank you, Mr. Hardy.

Thank you so much. Daisy, congratulations.

Thanks, Max.

Very best of luck, you both.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Bye -bye. Have a safe trip.

So long.

So you got married.

I'll send you a wedding gift.

Who?

Daisy. I thought you were Linda. She... You what?

She what?

What?

You were who?

I thought you were sweet on... What's her name?

Linda's what? Come on, Lance. Quit kidding.

You're what? Hello.

Hello.

They quit.

Both of them.

All of them!

What do we do, Bernie?

Somewhere in this whole star -struck town, there's got to be another guy with

big cock, a pretty face, able to come on cue.

You. Fella.

You out there.

How about you?

You want to be a matinee idol.

Thank you.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Help!

Help!

Help!

oh oh