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1
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,360
You want me to build you
a suicide machine?
2
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,840
Du-dah!
3
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:10,880
Make it look more
professional, you know.
4
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,280
Streamline it. We've got to start
thinking of this
5
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:14,560
as a legitimate business.
6
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,600
Go get him, killer.
Knock 'em dead.
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,120
In just a few minutes,
I'll be gone forever.
8
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,560
That must make you feel good.
9
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,280
Every time you put
one of these animals to sleep,
10
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,760
how do you do it
without getting all emotional?
11
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,560
As far as I'm concerned,
every single one of these
cats and dogs I put down
12
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,480
is just a furry little ball of cash
in my pocket.
13
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,920
By the way, you still owe us £4,000.
14
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,320
Is that a fold in the front
of this guy's trousers,
15
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,840
or am I looking
at the outline of his cock?
16
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,880
You're going to break
somebody else's finger.
17
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,440
But that's a woman.
18
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,280
Oh! Jesus!
You just broke my finger!
19
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,520
I said I was going to.
That's why I came here.
20
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,280
I promise you, what we have to offer
will change your life.
21
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,800
Into, you know, death.
22
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,400
We didn't kill him.
But our pitch killed him.
And then he killed himself.
23
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,200
When word of mouth gets out about
this, our business is gonna explode.
24
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,120
If we do a good job,
our clients are dead.
25
00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:00,960
So where are we gonna find
people who want to die?
26
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,160
♪ Baby, we're the chosen ones
and living the dream
27
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,440
♪ Since I got a hold of fame
and I shone it on me
28
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,880
♪ Yeah, I'm a better man
This is the superstar luck machine. ♪
29
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,920
Are you gonna finish that?
30
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:24,960
What? The sandwich.
31
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,280
Are you going to finish that?
32
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:31,080
It would make me very happy for you
to enjoy the rest of my sandwich.
33
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,800
You know, everyone's always saying
that they wish there were
real-life superheroes.
34
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,840
Well, there are, and you happen
to be sitting right next to one.
35
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,840
I'm a life-saver.
36
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,440
Check out her nips.
37
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,480
Hey, hey, hey! Great news.
38
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:08,440
If this involves a woman letting you
put your knob in her bum,
I don't want to hear it. I do.
39
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,480
So, I was on the bus today,
just minding my own business,
40
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:12,760
when I saw this homeless guy
who looked really hungry.
41
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,960
So, me being a nice fellow and all,
gave him over my ham sandwich.
42
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,880
Ah, so for the first time in your
life, you weren't a selfish prick?
That is great news.
43
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,120
No, no, the great news is, he choked
on the sandwich and dropped dead.
44
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,680
Right in front of me.
Bang! Just like that.
45
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,360
That's not great. That's horrible.
46
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,880
No. Don't you get it?
Yeah, I get it.
47
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,880
What Hitler was to the Jews,
you are to the homeless?
48
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,920
No, don't you see? We've got an out.
Do you mind? Yes, I do.
49
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,880
We're always worried about getting
caught doing this euthanasia thing.
50
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,640
Well, we won't
if we subvert suspicion.
51
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,160
How do we do that? By making people
look like they choked to death.
52
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,720
I call the technique
ham-sandwiching. What do you think?
53
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,960
What do you think we think,
you stupid tit?
54
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,840
Can you believe
I'm half-related to this nutter?
55
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,000
I think it's brilliant, Joey.
56
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,280
Oh, come on! You do not!
Think about it.
57
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,160
You help the guy off himself
at the kitchen table,
58
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,040
shove a ham sandwich in his mouth
and then leave.
59
00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:58,680
Nobody'll think twice.
But it's gotta be with cheese.
60
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,960
Cheddar?
Hmm...I'd say Brie.
61
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,440
You've got a little more viscosity
with Brie. Or feta?
62
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:04,560
Feta's too crumbly.
63
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,320
Do you ever the fuck listen to
yourselves? I mean, seriously.
64
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,680
Sit the fuck still
and fucking listen
to what the fuck you are saying.
65
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,800
He's right. Feta is a bit crumbly.
66
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,440
We're helping people die
with dignity. Not with their lunch
sticking out of their face.
67
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,600
I gotta get to work. Joey, stop
coming up with stupid ideas
68
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,920
and start finding people at the old
age home that want us to help them
finish themselves off, would you?
69
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:29,400
I didn't say they shouldn't die with
dignity. Just that we should shove
a sandwich in their mouth after.
70
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,720
They wouldn't even know. Exactly.
71
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,080
Mozzarella! Mozzarella!
72
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,520
Mm-hm.
73
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,000
How much longer am I gonna
have to wait to see the vet?
74
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,760
Sorry. She should be with you
any minute.
75
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,520
This thing won't go near my wife
or my daughter. And I just need
to know if the parrot's a poofter.
76
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,440
Cos if it is, I don't want it.
77
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,800
Well, sure. You can't have
a poofy parrot flying around
your flat now, can you?
78
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,760
What am I supposed to tell my kids?
They're going to be devastated!
79
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,200
Oh, sweetie, just buy them
another cat.
80
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:07,200
That way, they'll be focused on
something else and they won't even
be thinking about how bad they feel.
81
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,520
OK? Great. Have a good night.
82
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:16,320
You still going out with that girl?
What's her name? Lacey?
83
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,200
Lucie? Er...no, no.
We...we broke up.
84
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,400
But there's a man here
who wants to know if he's got
a homosexual parrot.
85
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,960
I only met her once. Tracey.
86
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,760
But she didn't seem like
she'd be any good in the sack.
87
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,000
Next, please! Er...the gay bird.
88
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,720
Sorry, no, not...
89
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,840
not you, miss, the...the parrot.
90
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,840
I would never... Sorry.
91
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,000
I can't believe there isn't a cot
92
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,360
anywhere in the country
for less than £200.
93
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:48,600
You still on about that?
94
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,880
I don't think you grasp how much
this baby's going to cost us, Cozzo.
95
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,320
There's clothes, shoes.
96
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:58,600
Nappies. God knows, the expense
of baby food alone is a nightmare.
97
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:02,080
So we'll switch. He can eat my
steak, and I'll suck on your tits.
98
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,040
I'm serious.
99
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,240
I don't want to hear nothing more
about money, Debs. We're fine.
100
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,240
As a matter of fact, I got a job,
first thing in the morning,
101
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,120
tuning up the machines
at Chicken Bun.
102
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,040
Really? You do? Yeah.
103
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,680
So, er...how about...
104
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,280
we become the first couple
in history to have two babies
six months apart?
105
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:21,880
Mm-hm. Mm.
106
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,960
Hold the lift!
107
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,360
Hold the lift! Hold the lift! Oh!
108
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,000
Ah! Oh, shit!
109
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,280
Mm.
110
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,280
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
111
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,160
And I thought chivalry was dead.
112
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,640
No, just the nerves in my hand.
113
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,640
I'm Claudia, moved in last week.
114
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,000
Scott.
115
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,400
How ironic. That's my father's name.
116
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,560
That's not ironic. It's more of a
coincidence and it's barely that.
117
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,960
I haven't spoken to my father
in ten years. Can you believe that?
118
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,000
Not since he went to jail
for molestering me.
119
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,400
Wow. Well, that's quite a bit
of unnecessary information.
120
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,480
Everyone thinks that's why I do
porno, cos he effed me up sexually.
121
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:17,280
But it's really not. I just enjoy
getting shafted on camera.
122
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,920
You do realise we just met?
123
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,880
You're a sweetheart.
124
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,040
Right, well...well, this is me.
125
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,000
You should come up to my place
and let me take care of that.
126
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,200
Oh, my hand's OK, really.
But thanks.
127
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,960
I wasn't talking about your hand.
128
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,600
Oh. Well, I'm quite...
129
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,160
..tired, so, you know,
I'm just gonna go to bed.
130
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:42,240
Well, I owe you one. So, if you ever
need anything at all, I'm number 33.
131
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,680
33.
132
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,320
I'd give it five minutes
if I was you. I gotta go.
133
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,400
You look smoking hot.
134
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,280
It's picture day at the office.
135
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:56,920
I bet you're the best-looking copper
in the whole department.
136
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,080
I'm fat.
137
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,360
Yeah, but you're pregnant.
Wrong answer.
138
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,000
I can say that. I'm fat too.
139
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,200
Yeah, wrong again. Um...you haven't
seen my gold earrings, have you?
140
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,960
You know the ones that
my gran gave me, with the rubies in?
141
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,960
I can't find them anywhere.
When I took 'em off last night,
142
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,160
I swear to God, I put 'em
right back where I found 'em.
143
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,600
Same with your bra
and French knickers.
144
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,480
The only thing I've got that are
worth anything, and I've lost them.
145
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,000
I'm worth something,
and you'll never lose me.
146
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,760
Oh, God, I hope I find
those earrings.
147
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,040
Wrong answer. See you tonight. Yep.
148
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,800
Hm.
149
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,280
Holy shite.
150
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,680
Looking a bit pale today, Gladys.
151
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,720
Do you think the diabetes
has reached stage five yet?
152
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,120
Mr Patel.
153
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:52,040
How are the knees holding up?
Pain too much for you?
154
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,320
Mrs Martin?
155
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,560
Mrs Martin!
156
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,200
The anniversary of your husband's
death today, isn't it?
157
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,440
Wouldn't you just love
to be back with him?
158
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,400
Wouldn't you just love to be... Oh.
159
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,200
How are you doing, Arthur?
Can't feel the legs any more.
160
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,960
My back's shot.
All I can eat is slops.
161
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,560
I wish I was a horse.
They would have put a bullet
in my head years ago.
162
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,840
Have you got a minute?
163
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,960
♪ One plus zero... ♪
164
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:32,080
♪..Ain't enough to make two
and I hope you know
165
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,480
♪ One plus zero
166
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,400
♪ Ain't enough to make two
and I hope you know... ♪
167
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:47,160
Need help with anything?
Oh! Oh, sorry!
168
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,800
Jesus! You scared me half to death.
169
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,000
Sorry. I'm...I'm Scott,
Scott from next door.
170
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,120
I-I-I saw the door open. I was
worried there might be a burglar.
171
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,600
And...and if you are,
then that's fine.
172
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,880
I'll just get out of your way
and let you burgle it up.
173
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,840
I'm Julia, Paddy's daughter.
174
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,440
Um...he used to live here.
I know.
175
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,120
Um...I'm sorry. I'm Scott.
I know.
176
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,920
You do? How? You told me.
177
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,800
I did? Oh. Well,
I got it right, then.
178
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,480
Um...oh, do you want a hand
or anything? Thank you.
179
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,200
I'm lucky my dad lived
as long as he did.
180
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,400
He could have died
from an overdose of tackiness.
181
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,400
Yeah, I think
there comes a time in your 60s
182
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,400
when you believe buying porcelain
animals made in China
will increase your lifespan.
183
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,440
That's funny.
184
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:36,800
Um...Dad was gonna take me to China,
just the two of us.
185
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,160
It was going to be
his last hurrah before...
186
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,680
I was really looking forward
to spending that time with him.
187
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:46,280
It was gonna be lavish,
first class all the way.
188
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:50,880
Obviously he didn't have a lot of
money, but he was gonna pay for
it by selling his prize possession.
189
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,240
Oh, what was that?
A pair of old football boots.
190
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,320
Oh! I'm...I'm so sorry.
191
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,760
Honestly, it's fine.
They're meaningless.
192
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,840
The only thing of any value
around here were those boots.
193
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,080
Apparently, they were some kind
of collector's item,
worth thousands.
194
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,080
You haven't seen them, have you?
His football boots? No. Never.
195
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:13,400
I mean, I don't even watch football,
let alone look at the boots.
196
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,920
I can't find them anywhere
and I've scoured the place.
197
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,040
I'm starting to think
maybe they were stolen.
198
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,600
Yes! Yes! Deffo.
199
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,680
I mean, things are always getting
pinched around here.
It...it's an epidemic.
200
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:26,160
Ah, so maybe I should call
the police? No! No! Bad idea.
201
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,520
Why? Well, you never want to get
the police involved.
202
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,560
I mean, that is just a recipe
for disaster.
203
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:34,360
Cos before you know it, they... they
start pointing the finger at you.
204
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,240
But I didn't steal them.
205
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,680
Well, yeah. Yeah, you and I
know that, of...of course.
206
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,840
But...but can you prove it?
207
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:45,120
Probably not. And that puts you
in a tough position. Right?
208
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,120
Right, well, I...I better get going.
209
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,000
Er...your father
was a really good man.
210
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,240
Er...wait. Er...wait.
211
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,240
Here's the, um...info
for the service.
212
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,160
It's Friday.
213
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,680
No obligation to come, obviously.
214
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,040
Thanks.
215
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:16,760
Thanks.
216
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,440
Hi. Is Cozzo here?
Welcome to Chicken Bun.
217
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:24,680
Would you like to try
218
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,200
our new chicken parmigiana strips
and chips bun box combo?
219
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,600
Where is Cozzo?
220
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,440
Out back.
221
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,280
What the hell do you want?
I bet that pierced lip of yours
222
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,320
would feel good against the delicate
skin of my stinky pickle.
223
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,080
I hope you die of emphysema.
224
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,440
I like you.
225
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,160
You think she'd actually call
the police?
226
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,480
I don't know. She seemed pretty upset
about the boots.
227
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,880
What do you think I should do?
Oh, if this were a movie,
I'd say you should kill her.
228
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,400
I'm not killing her. Yeah. You're
right. That would be too obvious.
229
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,440
Maybe she should murder you.
Nobody would see that coming.
230
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,160
Your wife's in the Met. Ask her
if the police can trace down people
who sell things on eBay.
231
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,640
Because if they can,
we're screwed, and we're gonna
have to try to buy back the boots
232
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,840
and place 'em somewhere where Julia
can find them. All right? Did you
tell Coz I got our next victim?
233
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,480
They're clients, not victims.
234
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,360
Whatever. We're still gonna...
235
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,000
Anyway, nice old guy.
Lonely, depressed.
236
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,520
He's got some sort
of metastasising liver tumour.
237
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,080
Oh, wow, that's wonderful!
238
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,000
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
239
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,840
What? Like, when you first
met Debbie, did you know right away
that she was the one?
240
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,960
I knew she was the one
I wanted to yank my crank.
241
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,920
Why? Is this about Paddy's daughter?
242
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,160
I don't know.
243
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,400
Well, it better not be about
the girl running this place.
Cos that skank is mine.
244
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,800
The Goth bird? Are you mad?
245
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,160
What? Ever had one? They bang you
like they hate you. It's great.
246
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,480
I bet. All Debbie does
is make love to me like she cares.
247
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,920
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
248
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,840
Mm. Great lasagne, Debs.
249
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,840
You do something different this time?
250
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,200
I got it at the supermarket.
Mm. Much better, yeah.
251
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,520
So, I got a question for you.
252
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,800
Let's say somebody
sold something on eBay.
253
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,200
Right? Could the police trace it back
to the person who sold it?
254
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,800
Why do you ask?
Oh. I don't know.
255
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,160
Just curious, that's all.
256
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,760
Yeah, people aren't curious
about being caught at something
257
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,000
unless there's a reason.
258
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,320
So, what is it?
259
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,880
Well, er...you know,
actually, if you must know,
260
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,720
I've been, well, thinking
of writing a movie.
261
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:23,760
It's a mystery.
262
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,480
A mystery, huh?
263
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:30,480
Yeah. It's about this guy who kills
a woman. Or does she kill him first?
264
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,120
I don't know. That's the mystery.
265
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,480
I don't believe you.
What do you mean, you don't believe
me? Why would I lie to you?
266
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,280
Oh, I don't know, Cozzo.
267
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,320
Maybe it's because
you sold my earrings on eBay,
268
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,520
and you're afraid
that I'll find out?
269
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,160
What earrings? I don't know
what you're talking about.
270
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,520
Oh, give it up, Cozzo.
I found the money.
271
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,000
What money? In your underwear drawer!
272
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,480
Oh, Jesus. Why would you do that?
273
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:58,240
Why would you sell
my granny's earrings?
274
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,160
Something that's important to me.
Debbie.
275
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,240
Why? I...I just panicked, OK?
276
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,400
You made me so nervous
about not being able to...
277
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,560
give you and the baby
all that you needed.
278
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,840
I...I sold the earrings!
279
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,960
I didn't know what else to do.
Oh, Cozzo.
280
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,280
I just felt so worthless!
281
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,720
No.
282
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,200
Cozzo. It's me.
283
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,760
It's my fault. I've...I've been
putting too much pressure on you.
284
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,160
No.
285
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:31,720
All I've been talking about
is money, and it's not important.
286
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,040
Hm?
287
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,440
What's important
is that we have each other, right?
288
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,800
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
289
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,680
Oh, I'm so sorry.
290
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,360
It's OK.
291
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,480
I forgive you.
292
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,600
Oh...!
293
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,640
Hello again.
Come back when we're open.
294
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,520
Or lick a light socket.
That would be better.
295
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,800
Stop acting like you don't want me
as bad as I want you.
296
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,720
I do want you...to go fuck yourself.
297
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,560
Ah, why would I do that,
when you're here?
298
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,480
Get the hell out of my face before
I shove this mop up your arse.
299
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,280
Head first. See?
300
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,880
That's the problem
with women like you.
301
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,120
You always think
everyone's out to get you,
302
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,680
so you shut down before someone
can find their way into your heart.
303
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,800
Well...I'm not
that kind of guy, miss.
304
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,720
I'm crazy about you.
305
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:31,080
And if you can't open yourself
up to that kinda shit,
306
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,320
you don't deserve
what I've got to offer.
307
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,360
Are you sure this is the right
address? I assume so. It's where
I sent the boots.
308
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,520
I'm so nervous. I'm sweating like
a paedophile at a Wiggles concert.
309
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,480
Just be incredibly nice
and complimentary,
310
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,400
and I promise you,
everything'll be fine.
311
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,120
Yes, can I help you?
312
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,920
Can I just say, you look fantastic.
313
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,200
Great jeans, flip-flops
and lovely socks.
314
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,320
You finished? Who are you?
315
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,720
Hi. I'm Scott. This is Cozzo.
316
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,400
We're the guys that sold you
the George Best football boots.
317
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,320
Oh, my God! Yeah, yeah!
Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you!
318
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,680
I gotta tell you guys,
Bestie is such an idol of mine.
319
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,960
I've already had it written in my
will that I want to be buried
wearing those boots.
320
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,000
What do you think of that, eh?
It's great.
321
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,920
So what can I do for you fellows?
Great beard. Scott?
322
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,160
Yeah. Um...look, here's the deal,
and I feel terrible about this,
323
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,840
but the boots that we sold you...
324
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,720
they're, uh...they're fake.
325
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,560
What do you mean, they're fake?
326
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,760
As in "not real".
That's what fake means.
327
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:38,160
He knows what fake means.
Well, he asked what it meant.
Anyway, look, um...it just so happens
328
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,800
that our grandfather had dementia
when he gave us the boots,
329
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,800
and it...it turns out they're just an
old pair from his university days.
330
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,880
Ah, it's an awful thing,
dementia is. My aunt's got it.
331
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,160
Last time I saw her,
she thought I was her husband.
Tried to kiss me on the lips.
332
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,320
Is she sexy?
333
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,080
What? That's a normal question.
334
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,960
Anyway, um...look, we feel terrible
about giving you false merchandise
335
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,240
and we just wanted to let you know
336
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,960
that we're going to give you
every last pound back, yeah.
337
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,000
Plus another 100 quid
for being such a nice guy.
338
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,200
Seriously? Another 100 quid, eh?
Not bad, eh?
339
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,640
Not bad at all.
So what do you say?
340
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,960
I'd say your mother's
a transsexual prostitute. Excuse me?
341
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,080
Think I just fell off
the banana boat? No-one said
anything about a banana boat.
342
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,480
If those boots were fake,
you would have kept the money.
343
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,560
That's not true.
Only a thief would do that.
344
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,080
Really? Cos in my opinion, a thief
would try to buy the boots back,
345
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,000
cos he realised they were worth
way more than what he sold 'em for.
What? No.
346
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,640
I bet I can get 40 grand
for 'em tomorrow.
347
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,560
That's crazy. 50.
348
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,840
What do you care? You're gonna be
buried in the ruddy things! Cozzo.
349
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,200
Not if they're worth 60 grand,
I'm not, son.
350
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,360
Look, mate,
we're being dead straight with you.
351
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,440
Yeah, and I'm being honest with you.
Go fuck yourself. Right!
Look here, arseface,
352
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,360
you give us those boots...
What are you gonna do, chunky?
Eat me?
353
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,080
Right, that's it!
No, no!
354
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,760
Well, what are we going to do now?
355
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,720
I might have something.
356
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:01,240
Oh! Oh! You like it, bitch!
Oh! Give it to me!
357
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,000
I'm giving it to you hard,
you skank! Oh, yeah! That's it!
358
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,480
Oh! You dirty little whore!
Oh! Oh!
359
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,680
Ah! Why did you do that?
I'm not a whore.
360
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,920
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
361
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:17,160
It's all right.
Mm! Oh! Yes! Oh, yes!
362
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,640
Hi, sweetheart.
363
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,840
How would you like to watch
series three of Downton Abbey?
364
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,560
Spoiler alert. I, er...heard
Elizabeth McGovern
has a graphic lesbian scene
365
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,120
with a very frail Maggie Smith.
366
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,400
Why would you lie to me?
367
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,880
It was just a joke.
368
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:52,320
Although it was based on a dream
I had about the both of them
last month. I'm talking about these.
369
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,360
Oh, wow! Look at that!
370
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,400
You found your earrings!
371
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,880
You said that you sold these
on eBay.
372
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:04,520
Yes! Of course I said that, but only
as part of the...the mystery.
373
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,240
What mystery?
374
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,600
That I'm writing! I just...
375
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,000
I just didn't know if it made
any sense, you know.
376
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,480
The guy pretending to sell
his wife's earrings
377
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,040
and then blaming her
for forcing him to
378
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,840
because she's always going on
about money.
379
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,920
So I just wanted to see what it would
be like in the real world and...
380
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,200
and it worked, it did! Yay!
381
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,840
So, you used me. No.
382
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,720
I mean, yes, but only for...
383
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,120
For your own benefit.
384
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,000
Exactly. Oh...
385
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,920
God, I love you.
Come on, let's watch.
386
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,880
No, no, no, no, no.
What about the money?
387
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,440
What money? In your drawer!
Where did it come from?
388
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,520
It's Joey's. All right?
389
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,760
He...he asked me to hold onto it
so he wouldn't screw it away on...
390
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,240
On what?
391
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,320
Transsexual prostitutes.
392
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,560
You came. I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
393
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,840
Make it? Of course.
I...I wouldn't miss it.
394
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,480
I would. I hate these things.
Mingling, pretending to know people.
395
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,000
I think right now
I'd rather be where my father is.
396
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:22,600
Is this the boyfriend?
Um...Aunt Charlotte, this is Scott.
Scott, this is my Aunt Charlotte.
397
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,880
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Are you the boyfriend?
398
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,240
I don't have a boyfriend.
399
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,520
Oh, that's too bad. He's so...tall.
400
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:34,160
Cousin Margaret!
This is the boyfriend.
401
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,840
I think we'd better
leave them alone.
402
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,520
Sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine.
403
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,960
If I ever become that person,
I will shoot myself.
404
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,400
There are other ways. So...
405
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,160
how do you fancy taking
a little orphan girl out for a walk?
406
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,800
Sure.
407
00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,920
Where have you been all my life?
408
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,320
What the fuck happened to you?
What do you mean?
409
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,280
Your face.
You've taken off your face.
410
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,440
Yeah. When we were shagging,
the make-up smeared.
411
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,960
I can't work with smeared make-up,
so I washed it off.
412
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,480
I finish at six.
How about after that?
413
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,400
I come round to yours.
We have another go.
414
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:19,840
Nah. I'm done.
415
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,040
What? It's the Goth bird I want,
not you.
416
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,800
It is me, just without make-up.
Huh. Yeah, I don't think so.
417
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,480
I could put it back on.
Oh, no. I wish it was that easy.
418
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,560
Once the curtain's been lifted,
the fantasy's over.
419
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,720
It's like watching behind the scenes
of Lord Of The Rings.
420
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,560
The magic's ruined. Sorry.
421
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,400
Just so you know,
you've got a teeny-tiny dick.
422
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:41,040
I know, I hate it.
Can't do anything about it, can I?
423
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,240
Oh!
424
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,880
Funerals are such a waste of flowers.
425
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,480
It's like, "Someone beautiful died,
426
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,240
"so let's kill all of these other
beautiful things to celebrate."
427
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,280
I never thought of it that way.
Well, I'm a very deep thinker.
428
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,640
Oh, right, I can see that.
429
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,720
So, did...did you ever find
those shoes you were looking for?
430
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,200
The football boots? No.
431
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,960
Look, I know you don't think it's
a very good idea, but I'm going to
file a police report tomorrow.
432
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,400
Oh.
433
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:08,560
What's the matter?
434
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,000
Sorry. I'm...I'm just worried
about you.
435
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,560
Aw, that's nice,
436
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,760
but don't be.
437
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,200
I'm actually doing pretty well,
considering. Look, um...
438
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,120
you know how when a cat dies,
439
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,440
and people go out right away
and buy another cat
440
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,320
so that they've got
something else to focus on
441
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:27,080
and not have to feel bad
about the first one passing away?
442
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,960
Well, you said yourself, you know,
443
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,960
your biggest regret
was not going to China
with your dad.
444
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,560
And...and he was gonna pay for that
trip with what, you know, the boots.
445
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,040
Yeah.
446
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,840
So, if you ask me, all you're doing
447
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,800
is avoiding emotions
about your father's death
448
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,400
by focusing on something else.
449
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:48,000
You know, that's why you're
doing so well, because those boots
are a tie to your father,
450
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,800
and, as long as they're out there,
you...you can't let him go.
451
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,120
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am avoiding my feelings.
452
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,080
Yeah, exactly.
453
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:06,120
Well, maybe I just need something
else to focus on other than boots.
454
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,000
Something else? Like what?
455
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,280
What do you think?
Good...good idea. Yeah.
456
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,200
Hey, where's Scott?
Inside, hooking the old man up.
457
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,880
Good, good. So, listen, look.
458
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,760
If you bump into Debbie,
I had to use you as an alibi.
459
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,200
What? It's no big deal.
460
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,080
It's just that she...she found
all my money,
461
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,840
so if you see her, I said it was all
the money you had left in the world
462
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,360
and I was keeping it for you
so you wouldn't screw it away.
463
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:51,240
On what? Like gambling?
464
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,880
Right. Yeah. Gambling.
465
00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:01,000
65 years I was married
to the same girl.
466
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,360
Joan Elizabeth.
Oh, best lady in the world.
467
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,680
Well, that's beautiful.
Good for you.
468
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,400
Not once did she give me a blow job.
469
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,560
Excuse me?
No matter how much I begged her.
470
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,320
65 years of begging. But nothing.
471
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,640
Oh. Well, I'm sorry about that.
472
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,400
You ever had one?
473
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,960
A blow job? Er...yeah,
yeah, yeah, once or twice.
474
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,560
How was it?
Oh, it's not bad.
475
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,080
You're down-playing it,
aren't you? Yeah.
476
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,920
It's the best thing
in the world, isn't it?
477
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,320
Maybe.
478
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,000
Oh, damn it.
479
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,200
Oh, well, too late now.
480
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,560
I'm gonna die
without ever having had a blow job.
481
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,840
Well, I suppose
everyone's got at least one regret.
482
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,000
Right? Ha.
483
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,680
Yeah.
484
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:50,720
Mm.
485
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,080
That's a really nice thing
you did for your father.
486
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:09,280
Ah, well, you know, the...the man's
given me a lot, so...
487
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:10,960
Chivalry. Call me.
488
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,440
Can I call you?
489
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,440
Absolutely not.
490
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,320
OK, Arthur, if you just get into
bed, then we'll, uh...
491
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,440
Arthur?
492
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,080
I want to live!
493
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,880
What? I can't kill myself now.
494
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,440
Not after discovering
the meaning of life. Oh, shit.
495
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,080
BJ's aren't that great.
Most women use their teeth.
496
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,000
That's the beauty. The women in
this place don't have teeth.
497
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:45,680
Are you sure you don't want
to do this? Why should I go off
to see God when I just saw him?
498
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:46,880
Oh!
499
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,720
You stupid tit!
500
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,560
Sorry! I didn't realise a blow job
was gonna make him want to live.
501
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,960
Then you're getting your blow jobs
in the wrong place.
502
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,280
That dick-smoking
just cost us a bloody fortune!
503
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,800
Who cares? We just gave somebody
the will to live.
504
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,720
What could be better than that?
You son of a bitch!
505
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:06,880
I'm going to ham-sandwich your arse!
506
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:11,040
Joseph Robert Copeland!
Off your brother right now!
507
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,160
Have some respect.
There's old people present.
508
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,720
Some day, Joey, you'll realise
there's more to life than money.
509
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,320
Sorry. Sorry.
510
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,680
What's wrong with him?
He's in love.
511
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,000
How are you?
512
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,360
What's up?
513
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:30,680
Guys...hey.
514
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,520
Oh, shit.
515
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,920
♪ Everybody seems to have it
better than me
516
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,920
♪ So I'm getting hold of fame
and I'll shine it on me
517
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,840
♪ I'll be a better man
518
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,920
♪ This is the superstar luck machine
519
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:50,520
♪ And all the things in the dark
Yeah, baby, they won't matter
520
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,560
♪ Baby, we're the chosen ones
We're living the dream
521
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,720
♪ Since I got a hold of fame
and I shone it on me
522
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,960
♪ Yeah, I'm a better man
523
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,920
♪ This is the superstar
luck machine. ♪
43369
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