All language subtitles for Way.to.Go.S01E02.The.Business.End.of.Things.DVDRip.XviD-TASTETV

Please help me!

OK. Let me take a look.

Scott. Not your job to touch
the animals.

George Best's football boots.
There'll be a payment.

Payment?
I want you to kill me.

I'm going to break it on
"three," OK?

One... Ahh!

Deal with it yourself.
I've got my own shit going on.

But you're my brother. Half-brother.

Well, give me four grand, then.
Dick.

What is it they knock the dogs
off with?

Pemrutox. Stick it in my vein.

And why couldn't you do that?

You're dumping me for somebody
who eats at Nando's?

It's all top quality there,
you know.

Have you been munching fur-burger?
I'm pregnant.

You want me to build you
a suicide machine?

Are you out of your mind?
My wife's a copper.

Well, that's the point of the
machine. It's suicide, not murder.

Da-dah!

What the hell is that?
The McFlurry of Death.

Paddy? Ha-ha! We did it!

Oh! We did it.

That's gotta be murder.

Murder? What do you mean, murder?
Why would you think it was murder?

Dying of a heart attack like
that, all alone in your flat.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's awful.

Dying of natural causes that,
you know, naturally occur.

Just terrible.

Oh, er... sorry.

Gotta change that.

Hey. 'Where are you?' We're supposed
to be there in ten minutes.

They're taking Paddy away.

'Well, it has been two days since
you helped the bloke kill himself.

'The place probably stinks like
Mum's corned-beef hash by now.

'Ha-ha. Just hurry up.'

Well, this is all very exciting,
isn't it?

Our second assisted suicide
in a week.

Remember, don't let him
pull the lever

until you make sure all the money's
in your pocket.

Right, Scott? Scott?
Seeing Paddy in a bag like that.

Just knowing I was
the one responsible. I feel...

Awesome. I know.

Finally you're doing something
interesting with your life.

Anyway, today's guy
is called Elroy Carrington.

He's coloured,
and he's got stomach cancer.

Sorry? Did you just say the man
was coloured? Yeah. Why?

Do you only think we should be helping
white people, you ignorant racist pig?

What's racist is you using the word
"coloured," you ignorant lummox.

Then how am I supposed to describe a
black guy? By saying he's black.

Oh, come on. That is so obvious.

I don't think I can do this again.
What's the big fucking deal?

It's a human life. Using the word
"coloured."

People have been saying it for
centuries,

and suddenly now it's racist?

It's been racist since before you
were born, you wazzock.

Oh, so many rules, I can't keep up.

I just don't think
I'm doing the right thing.

Think of it this way, Scott.

You're helping people kill
themselves so you can earn money

to go to medical school
so you can help people get better.

That, right there,
is the circle of life.

I can still call Chinese
"Orientals", though, can't I?

Of course. What else are you going
to call 'em?

Go get him, killer.

Knock 'em dead.

That thing looks like it was made
from old Coke machine parts.

Coke machine?

Oh, no, that's ridiculous. This is
a very hi-tech piece of equipment.

Shake machines?

Yes. But, er... trust me. It's... it's
all going to go smoothie.

Smoothie?

I meant smoothly.

Are you sure it's going to work?

Er... nobody's lived yet.

Well, ain't life amazing?

In just a few short minutes,
I ain't going to have one any more.

I'll be dead. Stiff. Gone forever.

Just a blot on the memory
of the world.

And you're the bloke
who made it all possible. Ha!

You. That must make you feel good?

You know, the plastic from those
bottles leeches into the water

and causes brain damage. Bollocks.

I once saw a show about people
living in a Third World country

who drink the same water from the
river they shit in. Urgh!

And they can live like that,
drinking their own shit?

Not only can they live like that,
I've never seen anyone happier.

Those people are always smiling.

Oh, Jesus! Shit! Christ! Fuck!
What's going on?

Look at the police car over there.
It's Debbie.

Do you ever worry, with her being
a copper and that,

she might be a lesbo?
Pretend you're alone!

Ohh...!

She's gone.

Oh, you stink. Oh, I forgot to tell
you something.

What? Ahh! My wife's not a lesbo.
Ahh!

Dick.

Here you are. Sorry.

I...I think I must just have
a touch of food poisoning.

Food poisoning?

I've got stomach cancer. I've never
thrown up as much as that.

Here, just, um... get comfortable
and... and we'll do this.

Um... er... this is the needle.
It's, er... it's sterilised.

I don't care if it's got AIDS
on it, I'm going to be dead.

Right. Yeah, course. Um... so, if you
just, er... lie still.

Make... make a fist for me. Yeah.

OK, I'll, um...
I'll put this in your arm now.

What the hell, man?

I'm the one who's dying, not you!

I'm sorry. I don't know
what's the matter with me.

I do. You've got serious
mental problems.

No, no, I... I can do this.

The fuck you will. Get out.

And take your shake machine
with you. Please, no, I'm...

Oh, fucking amateur.

What I can't understand is how come
these Third World countries

are so loaded up with people.

I mean, who's drinking a bucket
of shit water

and then going in for a shag?

If I'm drinking shit water,
I'm going straight to bed.

Ooh, there he is.

How did it go?
He didn't want to do it.

Let's get out of here.

What do you mean, he didn't
want to do it? I don't know.

He just... he saw the needle,
completely freaked out.

So that's it. Off home.

So, wait, the man wants to die
and he's afraid of a needle?

That's impossible.

Oh, there's no accounting
for people's fears, Joe.

I mean some people are afraid
of snakes, but not bears. Huh!

Which is crazy, cos a bear could
take your head off with one whoosh.

Right. Let's go.

I mean, that's not to say
I'm not afraid of snakes.

I mean, I am. Just not as much as
bears, that's all.

OK. Let's go.

Actually, now I say it out loud,

I think I'm more afraid
of snakes than bears.

Who cares? Let's just go!

Chillax! We're going.

I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.
Don't say it. It's racist.

Have you been working out?

Er... no, not really.

Your shoulders are getting bigger.

Still going through puberty,
I guess. Not you. You're ripe.

Come on! Time to take out
the rubbish.

Ever played football? Er...

middle school. Hmm...!

Can I ask you a question?
Had 'em tied five years ago.

Every time you put
one of these animals to sleep,

how do you do it without getting
all, you know... emotional?

Emotional? Oh, fuck, Scott.

As far as I'm concerned, every
single one of these cats and dogs

I put down is just a furry little
ball of cash in my pocket.

But still, you've gotta
feel something, right?

I mean, after all, you are a
human being.

Aren't you?

I used to cry,
first ten or eleven times.

Until my wonderful father,
a very successful shoe salesman,

took me aside and said,
in a way only Daddy could,

"Grow some balls, you stupid
bitch. It's just business."

And he was right.

Instead of selling shoes,
I was killing dogs.

There's no place for emotion
in business, Scott.

When I realised that,
everything changed.

Be careful with the next one.
It's a St Bernard.

Use the knees.

I...am...

Baby Daddy! Oh! Oh!

Baby Daddy! Dabby Babby!

Babby Booby!

Booby Booby!

I want boobies! Yeah!

Why weren't you at work today?

What do you... Of course I
was at work!

But now it's time for play.

So, how about letting me see those
big ol' baps filling with milk? Hmm?

The elixir of life.

Me want to live!

I saw you parked outside
the Belmont Flats at 11,

with that slacker Joey
sitting next to you.

Joey? Yeah. Well, yeah.

I mean, I was picking him up
for the car share.

What car share? Didn't I tell you?

I've been, er... car-sharing.

You know, for the environment.

I don't want our baby
sucking on exhaust fumes

the second it comes out
of your muff, right?

Now, how about we put something into
that muff, if you know what I mean?

There is no work, is there?

What do you mean, there's no
work? Of course there's work.

Cozzo, just tell me the truth.

Boobies!

Look at me.

There is no work.

Not at the moment, no.

But I promise you, Debs, as long as
there's air to breathe,

you and that thing in your
squish-mitten

are never going to have
to worry about nothing.

Never? Never ever.

Now, come on, quick,
I'm almost finished.

Last night, while my Debbie
and I were doing the intercourse,

I did something I never done before.

Satisfied your partner? No.

I let one loose.
It just came straight out.

You know, thrust, thrust,
"Phrrrrt!"

At first I was embarrassed,
but then I must say,

there was something actually
quite intimate about it.

Oh, by the way,
I've paid off my moneylender.

So, from now on, everything I earn
goes straight to the bank.

No more broken fingers for me.
Congrats, mate!

Ow! What did you do that for?
Come on.

What? You held up your hand.

A business seminar?
What's this about, Scotty?

Is this some sort of a joke?
No, we're the joke.

We're conducting ourselves
like amateurs.

I mean, look at this piece of shit
machine you made.

The McFlurry of Death?
That's a thing of beauty.

It looks like they're about serve
themselves an ice cream, not die.

Well, if I was going to die,
I would love an ice cream. Joey?

Mint choc chip with sprinkles.
That's a good way to die.

Thank you! Just make it look
more professional.

You know, streamline it. Something.
And this is just the beginning.

But if we're actually going to
do this thing, then I have to...

we've got to start thinking of
this as a legitimate business.

Although, God knows,
it's the furthest thing from it.

He's right, you know. We've not even
agreed on a pay structure yet.

Well, if you ask me, people should
only pay what they can afford.

Plus we should have a reward scheme
with a little card that you stamp.

Buy four deaths,
get the fifth one free.

Like a frequent-dier programme.

You can't die frequently.
No, no, no.

You buy it for the whole family.

And then if the kids
want to kill themselves,

well, then, it's already sorted,
isn't it?

Well, it's good parenting.
No? No.

Mothers of Mercy!

What? That could be our name.

Mothers of Mercy.

We don't need a name,
and we're not women.

No, no, no, not those sorts
of mothers.

Mothers as in "motherfuckers."

Oh, I see. But of mercy!

Exactly. Cos "mothers"
is fucking hard, right?

Then you throw in a little bit
of "mercy",

softens the whole thing right up.
What do you think?

We don't need a name.

I could totally see
"Mothers of Mercy" on a hat.

With the Ms as the bones and then O
in the "of" as a skull.

I'd wear that hat.
We're not getting hats.

Every business has a hat.
And jackets.

We're not getting jackets or hats
or scarves or badges...

Badges! I want a badge!

Or anything that says,
"Look at me, everybody!

"I'm helping people kill
themselves!" Got it?

Now, the seminar starts at two.

I've already bought tickets.
I expect you both to be there.

Is that clear? Fine. But when we do
get jackets, can I vote for fleece?

Oh, I love a fleece. So comfortable.
Yeah.

Is it really four hours?

Come on. That's it.

Keep it going.
Let's shake those booties!

Yeah, can you see that?

Making good. Shaking booties!

Yes, Mrs Martin!

Shake that pelvis like it's 1949!

Come on!

Oh, crap.

Just so you know,

I'm not going to need your monetary
services any more,

considering I've decided
to forgo gambling

and take up a respectable business.

Well, sort of.

In fact, not at all.
But it's not gambling.

Good for you, my friend, eh?
That makes me very happy.

Oh, thank you. In fact I'm off to
a business seminar right now.

Quick question. Is it wrong
to call you people coloured?

Hey, I'd kill somebody
if they called me that.

See? That's exactly what I thought.

Now, thank you for settling
an argument.

OK. Oh, by the way.

You still owe us £4,000, eh?

4,000? I paid you everything. Mm.

Hey, relax, my friend.

There was a mistake in our
accounting department.

It's OK. It's our own fault.

So we're not going to break
your finger.

Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

You're going to break
somebody else's finger.

Joey hasn't texted you, has he?

No. Are you happy
with the size of your cock?

Scott?

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I actually
supposed to respond to that?

I was in the shower this
morning, scrubbing my bits,

and realised that I don't think
mine's as big as it should be,

you know, for a man of my size.

You'd think a lifetime of tugging on
it would have made it a bit bigger,

but no.

What do you think I should do?
Keep plugging away?

I know, but there's only
so many hours in the day.

Maybe you should take a look?
What? No!

I thought that's why you applied
to medical school,

so you could be a doctor?

Well, yeah, I am,
but I'm not a doctor yet,

and even if I was, I wouldn't
want to look at your tiny dick.

You haven't applied yet, have you?
Yeah, of course I have.

Bovus fimus.

Bovus fimus?
It's Latin for bullshit.

You'd probably learn that
if you went to medical school.

I'm waiting, OK? For what?

To, you know, see if this whole
thing works out.

I just don't want to count my
chickens before they hatch,

that's all. Are you kidding me?

When this business
gets up and running,

there'll be no chickens hatching,

cos all the mother and father
chickens

will have killed themselves. That's
how great we're going to do.

Yeah, I dunno. Yeah, and that's
cos of you, you know that?

I'm going to be able to afford
to take care of my baby,

all because of you. Give me a hug.

We're going to be late for
the lecture. Give me a hug!

Cozzo! Aah! Get off!

I'm pressed all the way against you,

and I bet you still
can't feel a thing, can you?

Get off me. Shit.

I don't understand how there can be
so many people starting businesses.

Everything's already been done.

I mean, at least with assisted
suicide, it's something new.

Will you keep your voice down?

Hey, you with the no hair.

What kind of business
are you starting?

I'm opening a shop
that sells light fixtures.

Oh, yeah. Like we need more
of those. See what I mean?

Good afternoon, everyone,
my name is Harold Adams,

and welcome to The Business
Of Starting A Business.

You know, I've heard
that little men like this guy

have unusually large peni. Ssh!

Today is all about making a
potential client believe

that your product will change his
life. Because if you can do that,

you'll get him every time.

Is that a fold in the front
of this guy's trousers,

or am I looking at
the outline of his cock?

Why don't you try listening to
his words

instead of trying to gauge
the size of his penis?

I'm trying. I really am.

So, why don't we begin
with this word here?

Image! Sorry.

I...I thought we were all
supposed to say the... Go on.

It's definitely his cock.

Consideration when you're
starting a business.

But it begins with you.
How you talk, what you wear.

From the very second a client
meets you,

he should be comfortable
with the... image you present.

Mm. So, apparently, this guy wants
to present the image

he's hung like a horse.

You should really get checked
for ADD.

He's the one who's got ADD.
A donkey dick.

Question for everybody.

What other forms of image are there
in a company? Yes, you at the back?

Company name? Excellent. Yes.

And when it comes to names,
they don't have to be clever.

They just have to stand out
from the crowd.

What's the name of your company,
sir?

Mothers of Mercy.

Oh, well, that's an excellent name.
Thank you.

Depending, of course, on what the
business is. What's your business?

What business? The business
you're starting.

My business? Yes. What is it?

Well, it's... it's
none of your business

what my business is... Mr Big Cock.

Why don't you just get on
with your business,

telling everyone about businesses?
Mm? Yes,

well, move... moving on. Er...

See that? He liked the name.

Core values.

There's no way I can do this.
Of course you can.

With just a little bit of force,
a finger snaps like a candy cane.

And you like candy canes,
don't you, Razak?

Where is the guy?

Mm.

Over there. That's a woman.

Kelly. Sweet girl, but short
on cash. But that's a woman.

Why do you think I don't want
do it? Eh?

They just scream like small,
small girls. It hurts my heart.

So, what are you going to do
if I don't, eh?

You going to break my hand?
Is that what you're going to do?

He wants to know if we're going to
break his hand.

Why are you laughing?
You're always laughing!

Because if you don't do it,

Razak here will just shoot
off your kneecap.

With a gun?

Relax, my friend, eh?

He jams the barrel behind the
kneecap and shoots outwards.

That way it just blows off the
patella without damaging the femur.

It's a very good technique.

I'll never walk again.
Oh, definitely not, no.

That's a terrible technique.
Not for us it's not.

You're laughing again.
Stop laughing!

You have 24 hours.

I don't know why we have to dress
in suits to help kill someone.

Look, we should dress like a clown
or something to make 'em happy.

Oh, I'm sure people would love
to see a horrifying fat clown

just before they died.

Well, it doesn't have to be you.
I could dress up like that.

Either way.
Oh, shit, I left my wallet...

Hey! Hey, er... Mr Carrington!

Oh, the barf-man cometh.

I'm glad to see you haven't killed
yourself yet. How are you?

Horrible. But now slightly worse.

Look, I'm... I'm really sorry
about what happened.

Yeah, I was supposed
to be decomposing by now.

But apparently I'll have to
use another option to get there.

No, no, don't.

I promise you, my business
is still the best option there is.

What? Getting thrown up on,
to death? I don't think so.

The bell-end in there acted like
he didn't have my wallet.

He even threatened to break my nose
if I didn't stop harassing him.

So, he never gave it you back? No.

It was actually in my back pocket
the whole time.

But still, what a dick.

Who's this?
Cozzo, this is Elroy Carrington.

Carrington?

Wait, you're the bloke who pussied
out instead of killing himself?

Cozzo. Pussied out?

I never pussied out.

It was your friend here
that pussied out, not me.

Scott? Look at him,
he's not a pussy.

He said you were the pussy.
You said I was a pussy?

I might have implied
that you changed your mind.

Aw, you more than implied it.

The way he made it seem,
it was a total pussy-fest.

Can we stop talking about pussy?

Afternoon, ladies.

Mr Carrington, please.
Overdosing is not the way to go.

We are. But you don't
have to decide right now.

How about we come over and pitch
you our business with a new attitude

and a new and improved machine

to ensure that you get
to the other side

quicker and more painlessly
than our previous model?

Right, Cozzo?
Do you not like ice cream?

Right? Right!

Mr Carrington, I promise you,

what we have to offer
will change your life...

into, you know...

death.

All we have to do is explain to
this guy

why he shouldn't be
killing himself with pills.

Yeah, or anything else for that
matter.

I saw a picture of a guy on the Net

that went to shoot himself
in the head,

and accidentally blew his face off.

All he had left was this tiny
little hole

where his mouth used to be.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

That's horrible. We should use that.

Yeah. Although it turned out
he was a marvellous whistler.

Won a competition. Bird calls,
I think.

Don't mention that part. But the
face thing is brilliant!

How do you do it, Scott? Do what?

Just something to someone else.
It's just so many emotions.

I just can't imagine it.

That's why we have to think
of it as a business, Joey.

You know, that's all it is.
It's just business.

Right.

Yeah, it's just a business.

Click-click. Pow!

Can I help you? Hello.

My name is Joey.
I've been sent by Nkanta.

Shit.

Are you here to break my finger?
Sorry, ma'am. Yes, I am.

Oh, fuck.

OK. Er... come in, then.

Thank you, ma'am.

Would you like a drink?

I'm good. Unless you've got
an orange cordial.

Sorry, fresh out.

Then I'm fine, thanks.

Orangina? Ooh.

Orangina. That would be wonderful.

Lovely place. Thanks, yeah,
I'm very fond of it.

You know, Joey, you really
don't have to do this.

I wish I didn't.

But if I don't, then they're going
to blow off my kneecap.

And if it's all the same to you,
I'd much rather keep it.

Course you would.

This is all for you.

Thank you. Thanks.

So, where shall we do this?

I was thinking right here.

What... what are you doing?

Oh. Oh.

Ohh.

Ooh, God.

Oh. Ohh. Oh.

♪ Arise thy mortal souls!

♪ We are the Mothers of Mercy!

♪ The Mothers of Mercy!
The Mothers of Mercy!

♪ The Mothers of Mercy!
The Mothers of Mercy... ♪

Cozzo? Jesus Christ, Debs!

If I'd had a knife in my hand,

I'd have stabbed you in the face!
Sorry, sweetie.

I got off work a little early.

Well, great, let's go for dinner.

What are you working on there?
Nothing. Come on, I'm starving.

Come on, Cozzo, tell me.
What is that thing?

Fine, if you want to know,
I'll tell you,

but you've got to promise not to
breathe a word of this to anyone.

I swear.

I'm working on a machine that...

cleans up the world's
water supply,

you know, so that children
in the Third World nations

don't have to drink
the same water they shit in.

This is what you're doing with your
day instead of looking for work?

This is work. As a matter of fact,

I'm going on Dragons' Den when I'm
done with this, get investors.

I swear, Duncan Bannatyne
will chew my leg off

for the chance to clean up
the world's shit water supply.

I'll make more money than God.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, my God, Cozzo.

I love you.

Oh, that was amazing.

Best ever. Yeah.

Apart from this one girl
down in Greenwich, it really was.

Mm.

Oh! What the fuck?

What? Jesus! You just broke my
fucking finger!

I said I was going to.
That's why I came here.

But we fucking shagged!
What's that got to do with anything?

I did it so you wouldn't break
my finger, you stupid fuck!

Well, you didn't say that.

It was implied! Implied?

I thought it was cos
you thought I was super hot.

Just get the fuck out of here!
Oh, God, I feel so used.

Oh, just get out!

So, what, like no dinner?

No! Jesus fucking Christ! Oh!

Mr Carrington, we guarantee you
an easier, more effortless death

than any alternative possibly can.
Or your money back.

For example, you were thinking
of taking pills.

I thought we were starting
with jumping off a bridge.

Pills first. You'll love the
bridge part. Very exciting.

The problem with pills is
you've got a one-in-five chance

of choking, vomiting,
and/or going into a coma.

Boy, oh, boy, Scott!
That sounds bad.

But not as bad as
jumping off a bridge.

Windows next. Is it?

Pills, windows, gun, bridge.

Oh! I forgot about the gun.
You're going to love the gun.

When jumping out of a window,

not only are the bone fragments,
blood splatter and internal organs

strewn hundreds of feet from impact,

but also there's the chance you
could land on an innocent bystander

or dog, killing them too.

Boy, oh, boy, Scott!
That sounds bad.

But not as bad as jumping
off a bridge.

Gun. Jumping off a gun.

Shooting yourself with a gun.

Because if you miss, which happens
one out of ten times,

you could wind up completely
paralysed.

Or, if you're lucky,
spend the rest of your life

as a competitive whistler.

Pow!

A what? Forget about that. All that
matters is that you choose us.

Mothers of Mercy.
That's not our name.

Do you like that name?
Forget the name.

All that matters
is that you choose us to, er...

to, um...

to...

Do you know what? Er...
we're done here.

What do you mean, we're done?
What about the bridge?

I act out what goes through your
mind as you fall towards the water -

birth, marriage, kids, face-plant!

It's a tour de force. Can I do it?
You just did.

Er... I'm sorry, Mr Carrington.

I hope we didn't waste too much
of your time.

You know, the... the time
you have left.

What are you doing?
We had him!

This is a human being, and we're
trying to sell him assisted suicide

like we're selling steak knives.

OK, fine, we'll leave out the part

about the dangers of killing himself
with a steak knife.

I'm sorry, but I can't do this.

I can't think of what we're
doing as a business.

And you say you want to be a doctor?

I'll find another way
to pay for medical school.

This has nothing to do
with the money.

What do doctors do for people, huh?

What do they do? They help them feel
better by getting rid of their pain.

What's that got to do with anything?

Because that's what you're doing by
helping these people off themselves.

Please. You are!

You're giving them
a permanent kind of no-pain.

Which kind of makes you the best
doctor in the world, don't it?

Mr Carrington, you've had
a wonderful life,

and we hope that you choose us...

Mothers of Mercy... to help you
have a wonderful death.

All right. Let's do this.

What? Hook me up
and get me out of here.

Really?

Only don't say another fucking word.

I don't want to die
with an 'eadache.

That's not very nice. Shut up.

Yeah!

Well done, kids! Amazing today.

Hey, and give it up for Mrs Dunphy,

who managed to hold in her gas
this time around.

Well done, Mrs Dunphy.
Amazing, amazing!

How did it go?

Not bad. We killed him.

We didn't kill him.
But our pitch killed him.

And then he, you know,
killed himself.

This is incredible, bruv.

When word of mouth gets out
about this,

our business is going to explode.

There is no word of mouth,
you idiot.

If we do a good job,
our clients are dead.

Oh, yeah.

So, where are we going to find
people who want to die?