All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 01x00 - Unaired Pilot

In phase.
Out of phase.

OK, let's try it.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Took you long enough.

- Sorry. I got distracted.
- Really?

How exactly do you get distracted
making a sperm deposit?

You find something
more interesting in your pants?

No.

Just the usual contents which
I was operating in the traditional manner.

But then I started to think...

We're selling our sperm
to a high-IQ sperm bank

and we can't guarantee
high-IQ offspring.

Extreme intelligence is
as much of a mutation

as the migrating eye of the flounder.

Sheldon, you are the only person I know
that can take the fun out of masturbation.

Fortunately I stumbled across a magazine
that featured women with large buttocks.

And by stumbled across, you mean removed
from your sock drawer and brought with you.

Excuse me, this is not
a random fetish.

Ample hind quarters suggests
successful child-bearing.

My arousal is a classic
evolutionary response.

That's neat. Did you fill the cup or not?

Oh, I don't think those cups
are designed to be filled.

No, the size is meant to facilitate aim
like the spittoons of the Old West.

Terrific! Now you've ruined
masturbation and cowboys. Come on!

- Excuse me.
- Hang on.

Um...

1 across is Aegean.

8 down is Nabokov. 26 across is MCM.
13 down is... Move your finger ...

Phylum. Which makes 13 across
Port-Au-Prince.

Tada!

Can I help?

Yes, we just finished, um, making the...

We've completed our assignment.

We made 2 deposits. That's about
80 million egg-seeking geniuses.

Well, they're potential geniuses.

I have a sister with the same basic
DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

I'll get you your checks.

Checks? No, we need cash.

- See the plan was to go out to dinner.
- We're temporarily short on funds.

Oh I'm surprised. It's usually the rich
folk who sell their bodily fluids.

The policy is check only.

Alright fine... then, um... no deal!

You pay us cash or we want it back.

You want what back?

Um... "it".

Fine. Take "it" back.

Okay, I was bluffing.

It was a good bluff.

You almost had me.

Did you hear that?
I almost had her.

How is it that you can recite pi
to 80 decimal places,

but you can't recognize sarcasm?

Well I don't think the two are related.

I'm not looking forward to convincing
The Bombay Palace

to let us pay for our meal
with a check from a sperm bank.

Or we can eliminate the middle man
and we can just pay with sperm.

I wonder if that is where
the phrase "beat the check" comes from.

No, mom, our relationship is
definitely over. I am not going back.

- She seems a little upset.
- Yeah, try not to make eye contact.

Hang on.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe I could
come and stay with you and Henry.

Why would that be awkward?

If I hadn't slept with him,
you never would have met him.

Shouldn't we... do something?

Oh, no. No. I'm not aware of anything
in the social code

that requires we intervene.

What about... "damsel in distress"?

Twelfth-century code of chivalry it's not exactly current.

You'd also have to have been
knighted for that to apply.

Are you listening to yourself, Sheldon?
This is why I'm your only friend.

I wonder if you'd feel compelled
to help her if she were unattractive.

I wonder if you'd feel compelled
to help her if she had a big heinie.

Once again that attraction
is purely biological.

Oh cloak it in science all you want.
You're an ass-man.

Stipulated. Now let's go eat.

Are you suggesting we just leave her here?

We're not leaving her here.
She's here. We're leaving.

There's no causal relationship.

Would you hang on!

Excuse me?

Um ... do you like Indian food?

What?

You see ... I find that when I'm undergoing
severe emotional strain,

that good food and conversation
can often have a calming effect.

And also ... curry is a natural laxative

which helps flush toxins from the lower digestive tract

and well I don't have to tell you
that a clean colon is just...

one less thing to worry about.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Leonard, I'm no expert
but in the context of a dinner invitation

it's probably best to skip
the discussion of bowel movements.

You're asking me to dinner?

Yes.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm concerned about you.

Actually he's just acting
on his evolutionary imperative

to protect a fertile female in jeopardy.

If he were a coyote, he would
straddle you and yelp.

Oh good. I was afraid
it might be something creepy.

Come on. Look at us.

The only thing we're a threat to

are the current faddish theories
about quantum singularities.

That's too true. That's too true.

Okay.

You guys can buy me dinner
but that's the end of it.

The end of what?

Wow.

Let's go eat.

Great!

I'm Leonard. This is Sheldon.

Of course you are. Katie.

So you guys normally pick up
crying women on the street?

No! This is a first.

We usually just masturbate 'til we have
dinner money and then eat alone.

I am really uncomfortable here.

Relax.

- What's his problem?
- This isn't where we normally sit.

We sit at that table over there.
That's our table.

What's the difference?

- What's the difference!?
- Here we go.

That table is closer to the kitchen
resulting in the food arriving hotter

and yet not so close as to be distracting.

In the summer, the nearby air vent
provides adequate cooling.

In the winter, it's protected
from the outside air.

It's generally in the server's eye-line
making signaling efficient.

I could go on, but I think
I've made my point.

Have you ever seen a lady naked?

Sarcasm?

No, I think she's serious.

So, um Katie... having a tough day?

Look, you're very sweet,
but you can't help me.

You're sure?

Because I find that when I'm stuck on a
problem, sometimes it helps to talk it out.

Alright.

Let's say that you hung in with a guy

while he puked his way through 2 weeks
of booze and Vicodin withdrawal.

Wouldn't you think that
he owes you a breakup explanation

that goes a little deeper
than "I'm married?"

She's right. You can't help her.

You tell him Skippy.

- My name is Sheldon.
- Go with Skippy.

And I have seen 6 women naked.

Some of them weren't even relatives.

D'you know what the weird part is?

Is that even though I hate the guy,
I still love him.

Alright, well that's something
of a paradox.

Paradoxes are a part of nature.
Think about light.

Now if you look at Huygens,
light is a wave.

As confirmed by the double-slit experiment.

But then along comes Albert Einstein

and discovers that light behaves
like particles too.

So how do you resolve it?

Yeah, you're right.
I probably can't help you.

What are you going to do now?

I don't know. I guess I have
to find a place to stay.

- Well, we have a spare room.
- No! We don't.

Really? What happened to it?

Give me a minute.

- Hey, I cannot impose on you guys.
- Thank you.

So right up front we'll just say
it's for 3 days.

A week tops.

Mould. That room has mould.

What?

There's rats. There's big giant
mould-eating rats.

That would take care of the mould problem
and the rats would die.

Damn it!

I promise you guys won't even know
I'm here.

This is not one of those stories that
starts with inviting a strange chick in

and then has you waking up
in the bathtub missing a kidney.

And you have no trepidation
about doing this.

You heard her. It's going to be fine.

She didn't say it was going to be fine.

She said we could keep our kidneys.

Hey, this looks like some serious stuff.
Leonard, did you do this?

Actually, that's my work.

- Wow!
- Yeah, well...

It's just some quantum mechanics

with a little string theory
doodling around the edges.

That part there ... that's just a joke.

That's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer
Approximation.

So, you're like one of those
"Beautiful Mind" genius guys.

Yeah.

I have a board. If you like boards,
this is my board.

Holy Smokes.

If by "holy smokes", you mean
a derivative restatement

of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled
on the wall of any mensroom at MIT, sure ...

What?

Come on!

Who hasn't seen this differential
below "Here I sit brokenhearted"?

At least I don't have to invent
26 dimensions

just to make the math come out.

I didn't invent them! They're there!

In what universe?

In all of them! That's the point!

Excuse me. Fellas?

- What?
- Yeah?

Shower?

No. I'm fine.

Yeah, I meant me.
I need to get out of these clothes

and stand under some hot water.

Oh...

Through there.

Thanks.

- Leonard?
- What?

We've never had a woman take
her clothes off in our apartment before.

That's not true.

Remember at Thanksgiving, my grandmother
with Alzheimers had that episode.

That's right!

7! I've seen 7!

Great news!

Professor Leedman had a full-on
face-biting nervous breakdown.

How is that great news?

We get his grant money.

Now we can finish our proton
anti-proton research.

- Is he going to be OK?
- I don't think so!

Leonard, you should have seen it!

One minute he was pounding away
with positrons on a cesium target.

And the next minute he's running
around screaming

"I've found God's fingerprints!
I've found God's fingerprints!"

I'm guessing the only research
he'll be doing now

is which checker set in the dayroom
has all the pieces.

Where do you keep your hair products?

We don't have hair products.

No you don't, do you.

Don't tell me your blowing
your sperm money on hookers.

No, no ... this is Katie.

She's in a bit of a bind. I told her
she could stay here for a couple of days.

We blew our sperm money
on Tandoori chicken.

Okay.

Hi Katie, I'm Gilda.

- Hey. - Let's put our cards
on the table, shall we?

Right now Leonard and I
are doing research together.

It's casual, professional.

A couple of months from now
there'll be a transition.

"Hey, how 'bout a cup of coffee?"

This of course will be followed
by the initiation of sexual congress,

social coupling, offspring, etc.

That is unless some female
wants to challenge my position.

You mean like by giving him
a shot at this?

Exactly.

Never gonna happen.

Glad we understand each other.

She seems nice.

No. You're not following me.

I am proposing that our house guest
has ulterior motives,

Lambda... which bifurcate into lambda-a
- she had them before we met her

and lambda-b - she formed them
shortly afterwards.

I got that. But you're just
restating this section over here.

If she has ulterior motives, lambda,
then she's evil, epsilon.

Exactly, we have modus ponens. Lambda.
Lambda implies epsilon and her epsilon.

And we haven't even factored in
the set of happy little nipples

that follow you around the room
like the eyes of a Catholic icon.

Alright. We'll call the nipples gamma.

Hey.

Hey.

- What're you trying to figure out?
- You.

Seriously?

Seriously

Okay. Well, I'm going out for a drink.
Anybody want to join me?

- That could be an interesting outing.
- No.

No one wants to join you.

We don't?
Why not?

Yeah, why not?

Look you and I have reached
a tentative detente.

- Deten...?
- Equilibrium.

- Equilibrium?
- Stasis!

You know, I might not have gone to stasis
after equilibrium but that's just me.

All I'm saying is that we don't need
anyone's judgment clouded by alcohol.

- Oh, I can handle alcohol.
- Oh really?

You don't recall Peter Gorem's
doctorate party

where you proclaimed you're a urine-
powered perpetual motion machine?

Now in his defense,

hough that was not a technically
perpetual motion,

he did get the pinwheel spinning
pretty well.

- You go ahead. Have a good time.
- Okay.

Now those are not child-bearing
hind quarters.

There's enough children in the world.

Science!

Okay, if that thing vibrates,
I'm going to need to borrow it.

What happened?

I was at a bar and this jerk
kept hitting on me

so I grabbed his 'nads, give them
a half turn, you know "back off".

The guy dumps his beer all over me.
I had to come back here and change.

I meant how'd you break the lamp, but...

I forgive you.

Hey, you want to throw on
some pants and go back to the bar?

I bet you're cute
with a couple drinks in me.

Okay... just a few hours ago
you were completely distraught

over the end of your relationship
and now you want to party?

That makes no sense.

That makes perfect sense.

Allow me to explain it
to you in your language.

Nerdish.

Ohh! Ohhh!

- What?
- Oh, nothing.

Someone else can win the Nobel Prize
in Physics. Please continue.

Now...

Let's say that Katie is "K".

And "K" equals sad.

She's sad because, once again
she is the hypotenuse

between a lying boyfriend

and his clingy wife.

I know what you're thinking,
but the "C" stands for clingy.

What else would it? ... Ohhh.

Now, if you divide this by the fact
that "K" is homeless

because her stupid mother "B" ...

Bitch?

Barbara!

Can't get over the fact

that her new husband "H" has gone
into "K"

a number of times.

Ipso facto, I drink 'til I'm platso!

But, hang on! Did you ever stop
to think that maybe the problem isn't "B"

or "C" or "H" but... give me that...

there's a shared coefficient here.

- What are you talking about?
- You.

You make stupid choices and then
you blame everyone else.

You're calling me stupid.

- No. I said you make stupid choices.
- Because I'm stupid.

Well...

The simplest equation is
usually the right one.

Alright.

Well if I'm stupid...
then this...

is you.

I'm a spaceship on wheels?

Morning.

Ghost on rollerskates?

I'm starting to think it's a penis.

Did Katie come back?

Yeah, about a half an hour ago.
She took her stuff and left.

And you just let her leave?
You didn't even try to stop her?

You don't know that!

I might have tried and been unsuccessful.

For the record however,
no I did not try.

I think she left because
of something I said.

Great, jot it down in case she comes back.

No, I need to talk to her.

Is that sarcasm? Oh please,
let that be sarcasm.

What's the big deal if she comes back?

What's the big deal?
It ruins everything.

We have a perfect life. We go
to the lab, we do our research,

we eat, we watch Lord of the Rings.

Who has a better life than us?

Oh, I don't know ... snails?

Don't you ever wonder
if we're missing out on things?

Okay, listen, clearly you're confused.

So let's just put the whole thing
up on the board.

I don't want to put it up on the board.

But we always put it up on the board.

Maybe there's some things
you can't figure out on a board.

OK, I don't even know
who you are anymore.

I'll see you later

Oh yeah, that's a penis.

This is not my face.
I use Summer Peach.

We're out of Summer Peach.
This is Desert Dawn.

Are you looking at my skin?

Desert I got. Peach I need.

Don't screw with me lady.

I'm hung over and I just puked my breakfast
burrito into a free-with-purchase totebag.

Think about that.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize.

Well forget about it.

Look, I'm not very good
at talking to people.

And?

And? No that's it. That's all I got.

OK. Well, see ya.

Sorry.

The stuff I said last night about you.
I was wrong to say that.

Great. Thanks for stopping by.

So we're done?

I'd offer you a totebag full of vomit,
but it requires a $25 purchase.

Katie, where will you go?

I'll figure something out. I always do.

OK.

They used to chase after me too.

Think about that.

Listen, Leonard,

our little run-in last night
with Princess Areola got me thinking.

I think it's time we go for coffee.

OK.

Well, before we proceed
to that step,

I feel you have the right to know
that Sheldon and I have had sex.

Ohhh.

No he doesn't have a right
to know that.

Please!

It was at a Star Trek convention.

We were in costume of course.

He was doing such an effective job of portraying a Vulcan

caught up in the Pon Farr
mating fever, I couldn't say no.

D'you realize in the last 24 hours
you've ruined masturbation,

cowboys and Star Trek?

Remember the thing about where was I going
to go and I said I would figure something out?

Huh?

I figured it out. Where else can I live
rent-free without having to bang some loser?

Hey Sheldon. How's it hanging?

At the moment, they're making
a fear-based journey up the inguinal canal.

What does that mean?

It means his testicles are in his throat.

What do you think?

- It seems very pleasant.
- It's alright.

You'll see.

Kill off some brain cells with alcohol -
it makes the other ones work a little harder.

OK.

- You want to dance?
- No, not really. No, I'm fine thank you.

Excuse me!

The woman proposed this outing
as an experiment

and we agreed to participate, did we not?

We did.

Then we owe her the integrity of the scientific process.

Damn it!

They don't get out much.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com