All language subtitles for My.Favorite.Shapes.by.Julio.Torres.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

Dear God,
today is going to be big.

The Gemstones are
an absolute disgrace

to all ministries.

You just threw Jesus
across the room.

It was a karate person.

That was Jesus.

(phone chimes)

(Julio Torres speaking Spanish)

(ethereal music playing)

Uh-huh.

Okay.

(speaks Spanish)

(architecture whirring)

(audience cheering, applauding)

Hi. Hi. Hello.

Hello.

(cheers and applause continuing)

Hi. Hi.

Hey. Hello.

Uh, my name is Julio.

I am from El Salvador.

I am an Aquarius,

and I am here to show you
my favorite shapes.

I have a lot of shapes
but not a lot of time.

So, we have to start
immediately.

(laughter)

-Um...
-(conveyor belt whirring)

The first shape
that I want to show you...

um...

(laughter)

This shape-- I'm very excited
that this shape is here.

But when I originally asked
this shape

if he wanted to do
the show,

he was like a little
hesitant about it,

a little worried that
we were gonna find him

to be mainstream, I guess?

But I'm like,
what are you talking about?

Everyone... loves a square.

(laughter)

Some of you may be
seeing a square

for the very, very
first time right now.

-(laughter)
-Some of you have seen
a square before.

For those of you who don't know,

a square is roughly
the shape of a door...

(laughter)

...but not quite.

(laughter)

It's a little bit more
complicated than that.

(laughter)

In order for this show
to happen,

a lawyer had to look
at all of my shapes

and decide whether or not
they were clearable for air.

(laughter)

She looked at every
single one of them,

and after that process
concluded,

completely unprompted
and out of nowhere,

she goes, "And my favorite
shape was the square."

(laughter)

Oh.

Beautiful little lawyer.

You think we have you
all figured out, don't you?

(laughter)

The next shape that
I need to show you...

is a rectangle having
a really bad day.

(laughter)

This is an oval...

looking at his reflection
at a pond...

-(laughter)
-...wishing, oh just wishing,
he were a circle.

(laughter)

The next shape is a sphere

who you may recognize
for her current role

as a Ferrero Rocher chocolate.

(laughter)

Originally, we had booked
a different Ferrero Rocher
chocolate

to play this part,
but then I was backstage

and I was like, "Places,
places!" And like...

I'm sorry, but where's
your little skirt?

(laughter)

And she was like,
"No, I can do it."

(laughter)

No, honey,
I know you can do it,

but if you're not in costume,
I don't know what to tell you.

-(laughter)
-And then this one was like,

-"I can do it."
-(laughter)

It's a cruel, cruel business.

(laughter)

The next shape...

is a pyramid second.

But first, it is one of my
favorite kinds of shapes,

which is, uh, clear

with a little animal
trapped inside of it.

(laughter)

As I was preparing this show,

and I was deciding which shapes
were gonna go in which order

and I was weighing out the pros
and cons of all of them,

thinking which one
of them were stars,

which ones were
more supporting.

-(laughter)
-And as I was just
deciding all of that,

I thought, oh, I'm sorry.
Is this one of the many
good jobs

that I'm stealing from
hardworking Americans?

-(laughter)
-Because...

Look, I'm just doing it
'cause no one else was doing it

and it needed to be done.

(laughter)

But notice what happens
to this shape

once you begin to expand on
the same basic principle of it.

All of a sudden...

it turns into
Tilda Swinton's apartment.

(laughter)

This is where the guests sleep.

(laughter)

And this tells them
when it's time to go home.

(laughter)

The next shape that
I want to show you...

is a very basic geometric shape.

It is the harp of time.

Be careful with
the harp of time.

Don't play it too quickly,

or you might end up yesterday.

(laughter)

The next shape that
I need to show you, um...

Oh, this is actually--
this is actually pretty simple.

This is me coming in late
for a meeting

and immediately chiming in.

(laughter)

There's something about this
shape that I should confess,

something that I have
to come clean about.

And that is that this cactus

is not the first occupant
of this vessel.

(laughter)

This vessel used to hold
another cactus,

-but I killed it.
-(laughter)

Turns out a cactus needs
very little water,

sunlight,

and not a lot of shaking
around the apartment.

(laughter)

And now, I have begun to fear

that this new cactus knows

that seconds before it arrived
into my apartment,

I, with my bare hands,

excavated the corpse
of his predecessor,

threw it out,
wiped the vessel clean,

and said, "Oh, look,
a new home for you."

(laughter)

And by the way, I can speak
freely in front of this cactus

because he doesn't speak
any English.

(laughter)

But I went through his diary...

(laughter)

...and I found this.
(clears throat)

(ethereal music playing)

"I feel like I have been
here before..."

(male voice speaking Spanish)

Julio:
"Silly Cactus,
we have a show to do."

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

A fact about me...

is that I--

I wholeheartedly believe...

in reincarnation.

Because I know-- I just know
in my heart that I was

the Trojan guard who
saw the Trojan horse
approach the gates...

(laughter)

...and was like, "Let it in."

(laughter)

"Oh my God, it's a big
fucking beautiful horse!

"Open the gates and let it in.

No questions asked.
I don't care."

(laughter)

Like any of you would see
a big fucking beautiful horse

come to your apartment
and you wouldn't let it in.

-No questions asked.
-(laughter)

One of my very favorite
TV shows growing up

was The Flintstones.

But there was always
something that I found

a little puzzling
about The Flintstones.

And that is that I would see
so many scenes

with Fred and Barney
hanging out.

And some scenes with
Wilma and Betty hanging out.

And enough scenes
with the couples

just doing their own thing.

But never once in the history
of The Flintstones

was there a scene
where Fred Flintstone

and his friend's wife
Betty Rubble

had to be alone
in the same room together.

(laughter)

This next scene explores
what it would be like...

(laughter)

if Fred Flintstone
and Betty Rubble

had to be alone
in the same room together

for the first time
in their lives.

(cartoonish music playing)

"Betty Rubble answered the door.

"It was none other
than Fred Flintstone.

"'Oh, hi Fred. Are you
looking for Barney?'"

'"Yeah. Is he around?'"

"'He just stepped out,
but did you wanna--

"'I'm sorry, did you want
to wait inside?'"

"'Oh, so he's not
here right now?'"

"'No, but did you wanna...?'"

"'Right. Um, yeah, sure.'"

"Both parties began
to dread the small talk."

"'Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.
No shoes in the house.'"

(laughter)

"'Excuse me?'"

"'No shoes in the house.'"

(scoffs)
"'No, I... I heard you,

but literally no one
wears shoes.'"

(laughter)

"'Seems kind of silly
for that to be a rule.'"

"'Huh, well, I'm sorry
you find me silly, Fred.'"

(laughter)

"'No, I don't think
you're silly. I think
the rule is silly,

"'because it's not
a problem that you have.

Like, why would you
even say that?'"

"'Okay, Fred. Next time
I wanna say something,

I'll just ask you whether or not
I can say it in my house.'"

(laughter)

(stammering):
"'That is not what I'm saying.'"

"'And now you're raising
your voice.'"

"'I don't think I'm raising
my voice.'"

"'No, you are. You're screaming
at me in my own house, Fred.'"

"'I am not.'"
"'Fred. Fred. Fred...

Why don't we just
change the subject?'"

"The silence was potent.

You could hear
a pterodactyl flying
from miles and miles away."

(laughter)

(sighs)

"Yabba-dabba-doo."

(laughter and applause)

(cartoonish music plays)

So, um...

That little story wasn't so much
about the shapes themselves

as it was about
the negative space...

(laughter)

...surrounding the shapes.

Um... have you ever seen

the television show
House Hunters ?

If you haven't seen
House Hunters,

just allow yourself to have
the most passive experience

a human being
could possibly have.

Allow yourself
to just be like...

(laughter)

"Oh, no garage.
He's not gonna like that."

(laughter)

I had a dream
about the television show
House Hunters,

and in this dream
I was a real estate agent

who had to show a client
three different properties.

Except this client was
a little hermit crab,

so I had to show him
three different shells.

The first shell I showed him

was a really good shell,
really good location
right by the shore.

Move-in ready, but definitely
a little over his budget.

The second shell I showed him,
comfortably within his budget,

a bit of a fixer-upper,

a little farther away
from the shore,

but definitely within reason.

And then the third shell
I showed him...

was a ranch-style shell.

(laughter)

Do you remember...

the Disney animated film

The Hunchback of Notre Dame ?

It wasn't a hit,
but it was there.

It's just sort of what
we got that year.

(laughter)

Sometimes we get lions,
sometimes we get genies,

sometimes we get a tender
Parisian drama for the children.

(laughter)

But a part about that movie
that really, really stayed
with me

was its villain.

This withering,
possibly-closeted,

deeply-troubled little man

named Monsignor Claude Frollo.

And during the peak
of his narrative arc,

Monsignor Claude Frollo sings
into the roaring flames
of the fire

about his lust for
the gypsy girl Esmeralda.

And in that moment,
we see him turn lust

into misogyny,
into essentially genocide.

Anyway, that was
a Happy Meal toy.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughter)

So, while some children
were playing

with like a Ninja turtle
or a Transformer,

others were like, "Oh, yeah,
mine is this sort of

"like, medieval court justice.

"Uh, he's morally bankrupt.

"Uh, there's a lot
of self-hate in him.

"And that combined with power
just makes him lash out

"in really toxic and scary ways.

And sometimes, I don't know,
I put him in a little car."

(laughter)

Um, my favorite color is clear.

(laughter)

I love the color clear.

And I distinctly
remember the moment

where I was confronted for
my love with the color clear.

That was when I saw for
the very first time in my life

Cinderella's pretty little feet

go into that glass slipper.

When I saw that,
I was like,

"What is that?"

(laughter)

"Mother, let's rewind."

(laughter)

And she'd be like,
"Rewind to what?"

I'm like, "You know to what."

(laughter)

"Show me the shoe."

(laughter)

But something that I've been
thinking a lot about recently,

and it didn't hit me
until a few days ago--

Okay, remember that scene
in Cinderella

where she has to rush out of
the ball because it's midnight,

and she leaves behind
the glass slipper.

Then the prince finds the shoe,

and this is all
he has left of her.

But presumably there's a scene
where the prince takes the shoe,

and he goes to his subjects
and he goes,

"Have every maiden
in the kingdom try this on

until you find the girl
I met at the ball."

But I bet they were like...

-"Or..."
-(laughter)

"You could just come with us
and look at their faces."

(laughter)

And the prince was
probably like,

(scoffs)

"Okay, but how would
we use the shoe?

(laughter)

Just because you have a tool
doesn't mean you have to use it.

(laughter and applause)

I don't know if you can tell,

but as a child I really loved
playing with toys.

This might have been
something that maybe
would've hit you tomorrow,

-but I'm telling you now.
-(laughter)

My happiest moments
were really just

me by myself in my room playing.

And something that would
happen sometimes is that

we had this dog
who... I was so-so on.

-And it was mutual.
-(laughter)

And this dog-- this puppy
at this time--

would chew on some of my toys.

And I would come back
and find them disfigured.

Whenever that happened,

my mother would
rush to the store

and find the exact same one.

And then I would
perform a little ritual...

that I, in my head,
called the "transference."

(laughter)

Where I would take the soul
of my old friend...

(laughter)

...and whoosh it away
from its body

and deposit it
onto its new vessel.

And then I'd be like,
"Great! I can play again."

(laughter)

(applause)

My parents really did
encourage me...

to just truly believe that like
anything was possible,

which I think that
that was connected

to just, like, me being
in my little room, like,

pretending to be
different things.

But that encouragement really,
really, really backfired

when I told them that I wanted
to move to the United States

to pursue... uh, this.

(laughter)

And now we go
on a little journey.

-(visor chimes)
-(laughter)

(laughter)

Follow me.

(cheering and applause)

Something fun about these

is that these aren't
so much video glasses

because they have
a slight delay.

So, they're not
so much video glasses

as they are a window...

-into the past.
-(laughter)

And why does
he wear them you ask.

Well, because
if I didn't wear them,

how would you know what
happened from there to here?

(laughter)

-How am I ever gonna know?
-(laughter)

But now I'm here.

I have traveled. Hello.

(applause)

I will now very abruptly
do some impressions at you.

(laughter)

Okay.

Here's the first one.
(clears throat)

"Do not rush me!

The water will be ready
when it's ready!"

-(laughter)
-That is...

-a Brita filter.
-(laughter)

You know, Brita filters,
they're not...

they're not seamstresses,
they're designers.

You need to give them time
to do what they do.

And often you'll come back and
be like, "Well, is it ready?"

And it's like, "No,
you gotta let an artist
do what an artist does."

(laughter)

Okay, here's another one.
(clears throat)

(scoffs)
"Okay, well, I'm sorry
if you don't like what I do,

"and I'm sorry if you don't
like what I stand for.

"But I actually
keep the economy going,
and my job is pretty important.

"I'm sorry if you
can't handle that,
but we live in

a nation of laws,
and rules are rules.

I'm sorry if you
can't handle that."

-That is...
-(laughter)

That nasty little curtain that
divides first class from coach.

(laughter)

And look, I understand
that it's a job

and that some curtain
has to do it.

But to be a curtain and pick
that as your curtain job,

it's like, "Who are you? Why?"

(laughter)

And I bet that if you were
to talk to this curtain,

the curtain would be like,
"Well, you know, I wanted
to be in theater,

but things don't
always work out."

(laughter)

But at least that curtain is
sort of serving a purpose

that I don't fully agree with,
but it is doing something.

To me, though,
the most utterly psychotic

of all the curtains
in the world...

are the curtains that are hung
in a basement...

as to give the illusion
of a window.

(laughter)

Curtains that tell you,

"Well, we don't know.
There might be a window."

But it's like, "No, we know."

(laughter)

"What are you doing?"

That is religion right there.

(laughter and applause)

It's just this
whole thing of like,

"Well, you know, actually
there might be something."

It's like, "There isn't."

(laughter)

And as soon as
we acknowledge that,

we can live a happy life
and move on.

(cheering and applause)

But going back to the curtain
that divides first class
from coach,

I was on this flight,
not long ago,

and it was
a very small airplane.

You could tell that
it had been remodeled

so as to accommodate
first class,

that the original design
of the airplane

had only coach seats.

But when they built
in the first class,

they left one flaw,

which is that the first
row of coach seats,

the second seat
on that first row

didn't have a first-class seat
directly in front of it.

But it actually had the hallway.

I was sitting on that seat.

And when the flight
attendant came over

and she drew the curtain
dividing the people,

the curtain fell right
in front of my face,

like I was this little secret
for first class.

And when it crossed my legs,
my knee gently caressed
the curtain,

causing it to fall.

(laughter)

So, then the flight
attendant came over

and reattached
the curtain very quickly.

And then I said, "The curtain's
just gonna fall all over again

"the second I make
the slightest movement.

Can you please not put it up?"

And then she goes...

-"No, we-- we have to."
-(laughter)

And I'm like, "Well, okay,
but I'm just gonna make
the slightest movement again,

"and the curtain's just gonna
fall all over again.

Can we please not put it up?"

And she goes,
"No, we have to."

(laughter)

And then I asked...

-"Why?"
-(laughter)

And in her eye...

I saw flowers blooming,
meteors falling,

and animals decomposing.

(laughter)

And suddenly, she was free.

(laughter)

-She had been released.
-(cheering and applause)

These next shapes
I'm so excited to show you.

(laughter)

So, I went to the zoo recently,

and I was very underwhelmed
by the silhouettes

-that I saw at the zoo.
-(laughter)

It just felt like
more of the same,

like all these animals
I've seen before.

So, I am going
to present this zoo

with ideas for new animals
for them to make.

(laughter)

The first idea is how about...

a swan with a neck so, so long

that he must drag
his head behind him.

(laughter)

Beauty is a curse.

(laughter)

And this swan knows that
very, very well.

Or how about a flamingo
that's like,

"You know what?
I'm just gonna use both legs."

(laughter)

Or a platypus that's like,

"Bisexuality is real,
and so am I."

(laughter)

Or how about a little porcupine
who removed all of his quills

so as not to hurt
his non-porcupine lover?

And now he looks
at his reflection

and can no longer
recognize himself.

(laughter)

These are all Happy Meal toys,
too, by the way.

(laughter)

So, some kids
are gonna be like,

"Oh, yeah, I got
the porcupine that compromised

to the extent where now he can't
even recognize himself."

And another kid's
gonna be like,

"Oh, I got the snake who's like

addicted to buying shoes online,
even though she can't wear them,

and at first it's kind of funny,
but then it gets really sad.

(laughter)

And lastly, how about a clam

who is way in over his head

because he misrepresented
himself at a job interview

-as an oyster.
-(laughter)

So, now the clam is at work,
and the boss is like,

"Great! We'll just need a pearl
by the end of the day."

(laughter)

And the clam is like, "I...

-Yeah, okay."
-(laughter)

"Mm-hmm."
"One? One round?"

"Yeah, just go back
to your computer

and, uh, make the pearl."

"And how do you-- oh, no,
I know how to do it.

Got it."
"Okay, great."

(laughter)

And for this presentation
for the zoo, by the way,

I am very well-prepared

because I have also made...

their shadows and their souls.

(laughter)

-Because I don't want
the zoo to say...
-(applause)

"Oh, these are great,
but I have no idea

what their shadows
or their souls would be like."

And I was like,
"Well, I'm not crazy.

-I make them."
-(laughter)

I really feel
a connection to that clam,

because I've tried to take
so many jobs here in America

just wildly misrepresenting
what I could or could not do.

Because I was
just so desperate

to stay here
and get a work visa.

And there was this one
job interview that I went to,

but then the job interview
was going bad

because the interview
is for sales.

And I'm saying things like,

"Well, you know,
I've bought things before,

"so doing the opposite
would be fun...

-(laughter)
-...for me."

And then there's this long, long
silence at the job interview.

And I'm panicking
and I'm thinking,

I-- I need to get some job.

I need to get something.

'Cause if I don't,
it's just gonna cause

this domino effect that
I can't think about.

I have to get
this woman to like me.

I have to get her to like me.

I have to say something
that will turn it around.

And then, I look at her,
straight in the eye,

and out of nowhere I say...

"I love corporations."

(laughter)

That is by far the darkest thing
I have ever said in my life.

(laughter)

And it haunts me.

It haunts me to this very day.

(laughter)

But, you know,
it all worked out at the end,

because I didn't get
any of those jobs.

But I ended up getting a visa

that claims I'm an alien
of extraordinary ability.

-(cheers and applause)
-The ability includes this.

-(ethereal music playing)
-(laughter)

(Julio chuckles)

That's for me.

(laughter and applause)

A problem that I often face
is that I'll sit down

and try to write and try
to come up with things to say

and try to come up
with material.

But something that has been
happening to me a lot

is that I'll sit down,
wanting to write

and then I'll end up
accidentally just
fully-sketching

another gorgeous
bridal collection.

(laughter)

Because I have never
in my life seen

a wedding dress
that I actually liked.

So I sit down and I'm like,
"Well, maybe it's a pant."

And then I have to be like,
"No, Julio, this is not
your problem."

(laughter)

This is somebody else's
cross to bear.

However, though,
there is a garment

that I've been
meaning to design.

It's not a wedding dress,
but how about...

a cape for a queen
that is so, so long

that she doesn't know there's
another queen at the end of it.

(laughter)

But the cape has
to be so, so long

that they have no idea.

Except every now and then,
they feel a little tug,

and they might wonder what it is
or they might ignore it,

but then the curious queen will
be the one who turns around,

follows the cape,
and changes her life forever.

There are two kinds
of queens in this world:

the queen that follows the cape
and the queen that does not.

I made that up right now.
(poofs) I have returned.

(laughter and applause)

I have often been called
"too niche."

-(laughter)
-To which I'll say,

I have no idea what you could
possibly be talking about.

(laughter)

I have purchased chairs
for all of my crystals.

(laughter)

Because I don't know
if crystals actually work,

but, just in case,

I got them all chairs
and little desks.

(laughter)

So, they don't have an excuse.

(laughter)

(chuckles)
I'm just a little alien

playing with my toys,

but this time
to a captive audience.

(laughter)

Um, as a child,
I distinctly remember

learning how to write.

And I distinctly remember
learning how to write
the letter E,

because me and the Es

became this ongoing
parent-teacher conference saga.

Where-- okay, you know
what an E is, right?

You've seen an E before?

But when I would watch
the teacher write the letter E,

I'd be like, okay,
I see what she did.

She created the frame,

which are sort of the rules
that we must respect

in order to live in a society.

But within those boundaries,
she drew in a little stick.

And I was like, okay,

but what if I--

I mean, could I just maybe...?

(laughter)

So, I would treat Es
on a case-by-case basis.

(laughter)

I'd be writing and I'd be like,

oh, this one wants two,
this one wants five.

Oh, this one's 18,
this one feels like it wants 18.

And my teacher was like,

"Okay, Julio,
that's really interesting,

but you gotta write an E
and move on."

Or, you know, "You can't have
a sentence like,

(speaking Spanish)

It'd be ten days
of labor for you."

(laughter)

And you know what?
I get it, I...

I understand how you live
in the real world,

and I understand that sometimes
a thing is just a thing

and you have to move on,

and you just gotta
see it for what it is.

But frankly-- I'm sorry--
but that is the kind of thinking

that got that man elected.

(laughter)

(applause)

My least, least favorite shape

is someone telling me,
"It is what it is."

(laughter)

This is Helena Bonham Carter.

(laughter)

Shakira.

(laughter)

And this...

Oh, where are you going?

No! No, no, no, no, no.

Come here.
(sighs) So delicate.

You know, it's because
he is so beautiful

that he can get away
with being so shy.

Because he knows
that no matter what,
the camera will love him.

It's like, shh, shh!
So shy!

Anyway, this is
Timothée Chalamet.

(laughter)

Timothée doesn't want to be
in the show right now. Okay.

Have you ever met someone
who is so young

and so attractive
and so confident

but so utterly clueless about
the way the world works?

But because they're so young,
so confident, and so attractive,

you just know that the world
will just be handed to them?

(sighs)
This is Josh.

(laughter)

The confidence at his age
is like... how?

(laughter)

Josh came up to me after a show,
and he was like, "Hey,

"you know, just so you know,
I really like what you're doing

and I'd love to get involved
in any way that I can."

And I'm thinking,
I have nothing to offer you.

(laughter)

But anyway,
he's my social media intern now.

(laughter)

It's like, okay,
I don't know why,

but I feel compelled
to give you things.

(laughter)

Um...

This is Rob.

Rob is my immigration attorney.

(laughter)

And this right here,
this is Dylan Cabrera.

Uh, Dylan works in--

I always forget.
Merchandising, I think,

the last time we spoke.

And Dylan and Rob,
they're a couple.

Uh, they live...

in this gorgeous, gigantic loft

-in Tribeca.
-(laughter)

Uh, because I think
Dylan comes from money.

Uh, it's just one
of those things

where you walk into the loft
and you're like,

okay, so you're
an immigration attorney

and you do
merchandising sometimes.

-And the loft happens how?
-(laughter)

Um...

But we don't ask
questions, but, uh...

I don't know if you can see,
but Dylan here,

he doesn't have much of a beak.

And that's because he had a very
large, very prominent beak,

that he was a little
self-conscious about,

so he got it removed.

When he came back to the loft
that night after the surgery,

Rob was there,
and Dylan was like,

"Well? What do you think?"

(laughter)

And Rob was like...

"No, I like it..."

(laughter)

And Dylan was like,
"No, you like it?"

And Rob was like, "Well...

I mean, I don't know. Your--

Your beak was big,

but your beak was...
it was you.

And Dylan is like,
"Exactly! My beak was me,

"my beak was a part of my body,
so I don't feel like you can

just walk into a room and police
what I do with my body.

-And Rob is like, "Sweetie..."
-(laughter)

"Sweetie, I love you
the old way,

"I love you the new way.

Let's just go to bed."

(laughter)

Anyway, they're engaged.

(laughter)

So, um, good luck
with all of that.

This is...

Jessica.

(laughter)

Jessica is from L.A.

(laughter)

-Jessica works in P.R.
-(laughter)

Jessica begins and ends
every single e-mail with ASAP.

(laughter)

-Everything is ASAP.
-(laughter)

Um...

And, wait, hold on.
I'm sorry.

If I can just go
back to the whole...

Dylan and Rob mess for a second.

(laughter)

And that is, that with all
the conflicts that they have

and all the baggage
that you can feel

and the toxicity that's
between them as a couple,

they met this young,
beautiful thing right here.

-(laughter)
-His name is Tristan,
of course.

And now they brought him
into their relationship,

so there's this
"polyamorii" triad thing.

And it's like, great,
you know what?

2019, you do you.

But also, he's 22.

(laughter)

You know what? Whatever.
We're all gonna be there
at the wedding,

and none of us are gonna say
a damn thing about anything.

(laughter)

I should preface this
by saying...

that I have nothing but love
for all of my shapes.

I-- and I mean it.

(sighs)
But there is just something
about this shape...

and I can't quite put
my finger on it.

But every time I see it...

(laughter)

I'm just like, no.

(laughter)

No.

Just like, absolutely not.

(laughter)

His name is Eric.

He's very sweet
and he means well,

but I don't--
like, some--

like, every group has
the one, I guess.

And like, sometimes
my shapes and I after a show,

we like grab a drink
and we're having fun.

And then I'm like having
a glass of wine,

and then I turn around
and it's like...

"Hey."

(laughter)

And I'm like, "Hey, Eric.

How's your night going?"

He's like, "I'm sorry, what?"

It's like, "How's your--
don't make me--

like, I don't know!"

(laughter)

But you know, Eric,

even though all of it, I...

I do have a lot of love for him,

because it is thanks to Eric
that I have met a true star.

(laughter)

The second I saw her,
I thought...

Game over.

(laughter)

The star power is palpable
and it fills up the room.

-(drumroll)
-Please allow me
to introduce...

Krisha.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Now, let's introduce her again,
but in the very same way

that Kate Winslet was
introduced in Titanic .

-(flute music playing)
-When Kate laid eyes on the boat
for the very first time.

(laughter and applause)

-Krisha.
-(laughter)

I obviously adore Krisha.

And I like her so much that I am
helping her with a TV show.

(laughter)

And this TV show would be
semi-autobiographical,

and it would follow
Krisha's journey,

beginning with getting
cheated on in the D.R.

Deciding that she's
had it with that man,

she packs her bags
and she moves to Miami

to pursue her passion
of fashion.

-(laughter)
-But is the Miami market
ready for little dresses

that are actually
to Krisha's size?

(laughter)

We'll find out in the show
as Krisha juggles love,

relationships, fashion,
and her faith.

(laughter)

Krisha's faith was not
originally a part
of the concept,

and, frankly, some of the rants
get a little dicey.

Some of the rants, I'm like,
okay, but you know that...

You know that I am, right?

And you also know that the guy
who did your makeup is--

okay, well, I love you anyway.

The title of the show you ask.

Mundo de Krisha.

(laughter)

Oh my God.

This next shape...

might be my favorite part
of this entire show.

Might be the reason why this
show even exists to begin with.

I shudder to think
what would happen

if this shape were to fall
in the wrong hands.

(laughter)

If you have never seen one
of these in action before...

-get ready.
-(laughter)

One, two...

(toy squeaking)

(laughter)

(laughter)

We rehearsed this.

(laughter)

And then I get here
and I'm like, "Do you guys
wanna run it?"

They're like, "No, we got it.
Uh-uh, uh-uh..."

Regardless...

I've got nothing--
nothing but love

for the penguins
and their world.

But especially
this one right here.

That blue one in the middle.

I love him so much
that he's inspired

a little something
I'm about to read to you.

(laughter)

(clears throat)

-(piano music playing)
-"The blue penguin loved being

"a part of the playful
penguin race

more than anything else
in the world."

Male voice:
The excitement of going
up the stairs,

down the loops,

and maybe, just maybe

winning one day
was all I had.

But everything changed
the day I realized

I was racing on a preset track.

The black penguin ahead of me,

the red one behind me,

and nothing
I could do about it.

The game was designed so I'd
come in second place forever.

The black penguin
celebrated his victories

as though they were his own.

The red thought he just
wasn't trying hard enough.

And so I was
suddenly all alone

in this deeply
solitary awakening.

That was the day that
the playful penguin race...

-(lightning crashes)
- ...became hell.

(laughter)

So, really the toy is
more of an allegory

for the middle class, I guess.

(laughter)

This next shape...

(laughter)

He's making fun of me.

(laughter and applause)

He's making fun of me.

That's a big swing
for someone you barely know.

(laughter)

Ha-ha, I guess.

My very, very favorite

cartoon character, though,
growing up, my hero

was Daisy Duck.

(laughter)

Daisy Duck, of course,

being the supporting actress
of the Mickey gang.

Right? She didn't get
a lot of screen time,

but when she did,
she earned it.

(laughter)

My parents took me
to Disney World one time.

And to me, it was
just a pilgrimage

to finally meet Daisy.

And we go into the park,
and we see Mickey's house.

And we go inside of it
and I greet Mickey,

and I'm like,
"Okay, we'll wrap it up

-'cause we're going
to Daisy's."
-(laughter)

And then we go into Donald's,
and Donald is there.

And he greets me,
he greets my family.

It's like, "This is very nice.
Thank you for having us,

but we're running late.
I'm going to Daisy's."

And then I see Daisy's door.

And I am so, so excited
that it's finally gonna happen.

And I walk over to the door,

and I see the big,
beautiful, bulbous doorknob.

And I reach towards it,

and I twist,

and then I pull.

But the door won't open.

I pull and I pull and I pull,
but the door just won't open.

So, then I look at my mother,
just panicking

because the door
is not opening.

And then she explains to me

that it was all just a facade.

In that moment,
I became an atheist.

(laughter)

She released me.

(laughter)

-(applause)
-And I-- I understand.

Look, I'm not crazy.

-(laughter)
-I understand that the park
has to end at some point.

I understand that
it can't be infinite,

and I understand that maybe
there wasn't enough budget

to build the home
for a pretty minor--

-even though iconic--
character.
-(laughter)

I get all of that.

But I feel like they were
operating under the notion

that the world is
actually pretty simple,

so we might as well
just lie to a kid

with a door
that goes nowhere.

(laughter)

If I had designed the park,

I would've created a miniature
interior of Daisy's house

and put it behind
the little keyhole.

So that when the bizarre little
child comes up to the door...

(laughter)

...and looks
through the keyhole,

they'll feel that even though

they don't have complete
access to everything yet,

and even though you can't
see everything all at once,

there is something so beautiful
just out of reach.

-This is all in an e-mail
I've sent to them several times.
-(laughter)

-But I keep waiting...
-(applause)

...for them to reply
one of these days.

'Cause I'm like, "Hey, just
checking in on Daisy's door."

(laughter)

Of course, what was
frustrating about Daisy's door

is because something
was presented as just that
and nothing more.

The world was explained to me
by oversimplifying it.

But I don't like simple.

(laughter)

I'm sorry, what is that,
you're wondering.

This is
a stiletto-shaped display

for a miniature
stiletto collection.

(laughter)

-I feel seen by this object.
-(laughter)

Note that none of the shoes
involved are to scale.

(laughter)

This is what I feel like
when somebody casually asks,

"So, what do you do?"
And I'm like, "Oh, well,

"it's actually pretty simple.

"I'm just like a big shoe
that is for little shoes.

"And I do have a purpose

"if you have a miniature
shoe collection

"that you want displayed
in a bigger shoe.

"So, yeah, a visa for that.

"That's, uh, sort of what
I bring to the table.

Yeah, pretty-pretty-pretty
straightforward actually.

(laughter)

Now I'll read to you a little
monologue by the shoe.

(laughter)

"Who am I even for?"

(saxophone playing
melancholy melody)

Female voice:
Am I for the little shoes?

Or are the little shoes for me?

I am an idea on top of an idea.

Look at the little shoes
marching down to my toe.

If I'm alive, are they?

I am what happens
when no one says no.

I sit by the window
and watch other shoes go by,

real shoes, with real lives,
with real purpose.

Have you seen that show

The Assassination
of Gianni Versace,

where Penelope Cruz, a Spanish
actress with a Spanish accent,

played an Italian
but does it all in English?

I am that.

I'm complicated.

I'm difficult to explain
and impossible to draw.

"I am alive."

(applause)

And now, our next shape...

What? What do you want?

I already dealt with you.

I guess that's it.

I have no control over
how many shapes are back there.

(laughter)

But what do you...?
Ah, yes, yes, I see.

-(laughter)
-Look what you've been
hiding all along.

-(pastoral music playing)
-(birds twittering)

(high-heels clicking)

Julio:
Unless there are
any questions...

(laughter)

I think we're done here.

Thank you so much for coming.

Good night. Bye.

(cheering and applause)

(ethereal music playing)

(cheers and applause continuing)