Original subtitles

My God!

I think the princess must be at the controls again!

Language?

Holy camel toe, Batman.

Yeah, like totally.

Just what were you doing with Princess Leia back there?

That's disgusting.

You'll be deactivated for that sort of bin.

What mission?

Um, I don't even have balls.

All systems ready.

Where are those

transmissions you intercepted?

What have you done with... Damn!

Tear this ship apart until you've found those plants, and bring me the

passengers. I want them alive.

Sir!

I need to practice.

Ew, what a desolate place this is.

I don't have a womb.

You going?

Even if I had an ass, it would not be fat.

You go that way, then, you rusty little twink. I hope you get signed in your

service pass.

This way is much easier.

That malfunctioning pile of yasm dung.

He tricked me into this.

Over here!

Hey, sailor!

Lord Vader.

Captured Princess Leia. Have we got any information yet?

Not yet.

Rebels wouldn't dare attack the station.

If the rebels discover our weakness, they could exploit us. They could

your mother.

This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

Quistone, are you in or out?

I'm in.

Harry.

Damn.

Charming to the last.

Two yatham and v 'kaiva crystal.

You're bluffing. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Are you Jeff Vader?

Jeff Vader?

Yeah, I'm from the canteen. Mr. Stevens, the catering manager, sent me up.

What is the meaning of this? Well, I've got this chain for Jeff Vader. Leave

that to me.

You've got a sign for that?

I'm afraid you are mistaken about a great many things.

This bickering is pointless.

Vader, find the form and go and interrogate Princess Leia.

As you wish.

Princess Leia.

Darth Vader.

Only you could be so bold.

Don't act so surprised, Your Highness.

I'm not surprised.

I'm disgusted.

I'm a member of the Senate. You are a part of the Rebel Alliance. I want to

what happened to the plans they sent you.

And I suppose if I don't tell you, I'm to be tortured?

Not necessarily.

Perhaps we can reach an agreement.

My father would kill me.

Hordley, I know your father.

He had more tail than you.

You are about to learn the power of the dark side. Give me a cock.

By the nine hells of Corellia.

We will discuss the location of the hidden rebel base.

Don't blow it! Don't blow it! Take it easy, Luke.

You're going to need your inhaler. What is it?

Bruce, we need to find a new translator.

Yeah, I'm going to find a translator to tell Aunt Bru to kiss my black hole.

And what is your function?

Well, my primary function is etiquette and protocol.

Great. Someone's invented a droid to tell me which fork to use first.

What I really need is a droid that understands women well enough to tell me

the hell my wife is saying half the time. I was recently in the service of

absolute devil.

Shut up.

Shutting up?

We'll take this one.

What are you trying to pull here, you little smelly bastard?

Pardon me, master, but the little blue unit is in fine shape.

A filthy mouth, but functional. We'll take the blue one.

Okay, come on, blue.

Oh, this blue mouth feels so good.

I could just melt.

Never get to have any fun.

We'll be stuck here forever.

Well, so are we.

Wherever we are, I don't even know what planet this is.

Well, when they rinse the galaxy's colon, this is where they stick the

in. Oh, how exciting.

I don't know what this goo is.

You probably don't want to know, sir.

Just call me Luke. How about Big Boy?

Just Luke.

I am C -3PO, Human -Cyborg Interrelation.

And this pile of degenerate scrap is my counterpart, R2 -V2.

Hello. Hey, your R2 unit's data probe is stuck. It shouldn't be poking out like

that all the time.

You obviously don't know R2.

Come for me, Obi -Wan Kenobi.

Come for me.

Do you know her?

She's hot.

I'm not quite sure, sir.

Females all look the same to me.

Now he claims that he's the property of someone named Obi -Wan Kenobi, who lives

nearby, and that this is a custom holocron for him.

Well, there's old Ben Kenobi.

He's this weird hermit.

He lives beyond the Dune Sea.

Anyway, I want to see the good part.

Play back the video.

What happened?

Where'd she go?

R2 -D2.

That is not acceptable.

What is it?

He says the first taste is always free.

You see what you can do with him.

And you're not the boss of me.

I'm afraid her resistance to my probe is considerable.

She told you nothing.

Nothing of use.

My lord, we are fully operational.

I feel like breakfasting somewhere civilized.

And then perhaps blowing it up.

That's your call for Alderaan.

I can't believe that little tin can screwed me.

Why'd he run away?

He was babbling about some mission to find that Obi -Wan person.

R2 is completely upset.

Well, we better hope we don't run into any sand people.

Oh dear.

And if they do?

Well, we better hope they kill us before they eat us.

That little R2 probably got me in a lot of trouble.

That's his primary function.

Check the scanners.

I think we can find our little trash can.

Hit the accelerator.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

It was a rhetorical question, glob of green.

What's wrong?

There are several creatures approaching from the southeast.

Well, I see two Banthas, but I don't see any... Oh, there's some

people.

What's he doing to that Bantha?

Ew!

You're less Gittish than the others I see.

Don't be afraid. You won't need your weapon.

Oh, you're close.

Hmm.

That is very much the tale of my love life.

Oh, well.

We best get the boy indoors.

Would you like a drink?

Surely one of these must have something in it.

No, thanks.

If I'm not back by sunset, Uncle Owen, you won't tell me your bedtime story.

Oh, gods of Kashyyyk.

That tastes just like... Oh.

I remember I couldn't get to the outhouse one night because there was a

sandstorm.

Sometimes, my Uncle Owen, he tells me about my father.

He was a cunning warrior and a good friend.

We were Jedi Knights together.

You were in the Clone Wars?

A lot of people tried to kill me, but I suppose it's the same thing.

I wish I would have known him.

He was the best star pilot in the galaxy.

My uncle said he was a whiny psychotic.

And the best star pilot in the galaxy.

Which reminds me.

I have something here for you.

I thought I'd lost the damn thing until I realized I traded it for a case of old

duvet ten seasons ago.

Just tracked it down last week.

And Peru has one just like it.

Except hers vibrates.

This is your father's lightsaber.

That thing almost took my eye out.

That thing's dangerous.

This was the weapon of a Jedi Knight.

Well, it shouldn't really have a warning label.

Perhaps later.

How did my father die?

A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until I cut his arms and

legs off and left him burning in a river of lava.

I think I want to go home now.

You haven't even told me why you've come out this far.

Well...

It's this little droid. He's... searching for someone.

An Obi -Wan Kenobi? I thought it might be a relative of yours.

It's possible.

There's certainly no shortage of spaceport girls who felt the force of my

over the... Did you say Obi -Wan?

Uh -huh.

I haven't heard that name for a very long time.

Oh, well, you know him.

Of course.

It's me.

I haven't gone by that name since I tucked tail and ran away before you were

born.

Well, anyway, this R2 has a private holocron for you.

Sounds interesting.

Obi -Wan Kenobi, I have often been told how well and frequently you serviced my

mother during the Clone Wars.

I've placed vital information to the survival of the Rebellion into the

banks of this R2 unit.

I am afraid that my ship has fallen under attack and I will be taken captive

the Empire.

You can take this droid to my father in Alderaan.

Or you can come and rescue me yourself.

Preferably before I'm executed.

Come for me, Obi -Wan Kenobi.

Come for me.

You know, her mother was much more attractive.

I want to go to Alderaan. Can I come? Can I? I'll, uh...

I'll drive you to Mos Eisley.

I'll take care of the George for you.

I don't think so. It's going to be very dangerous. Come on. I'll hide. I'm

really good at hiding.

Come on. Can I come over, Ben?

I'll even learn how to use a light stick.

Faber.

And you need to learn the ways of the Force.

Okay, the Force.

Anything you say.

Can I come, huh?

Mos Eisley Spaceport.

You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Believe me, I've looked.

How long have you had these droids? We just got them yesterday.

Can I see some identification?

You don't need to see his identification.

I don't need to see his identification.

Do you want to see my light stick? I'm going to be a Jedi.

You will try not to be a moron.

I will try not to be a moron.

I don't need this moron's identification.

These aren't the droids you're looking for.

These aren't the droids we're looking for.

Move along.

Move along.

Move along.

Are we going to be able to find a pilot here?

I've only been here for one reason, and I doubt any of those ladies could fly.

But we'll see.

I'm ready for anything.

Can I have one of those?

What is that?

Phantom milk. What did you think you ordered?

I think he likes you.

Hello.

Is that your drink right there?

My friend and I would like to buy you another one.

That was close.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Chewbacca here, though. First mate on a ship that might suit us.

Han Solo.

Captain Millennium Falcon.

We're looking for a fat ship.

You've never heard of Millennium Falcon?

Of course I have.

Just a few moments ago at the bar when I first met Chewbacca.

It's a ship that met the castle around less than 12 parsec.

That doesn't even make sense.

Parsec measures distance, not time.

This guy's full of Ronto crap.

Are you going to listen to me or the farm boy over here?

I'm sorry, I wasn't actually listening to either of you.

Well, she's fast enough for you, old man.

Really? Who?

Never mind.

What's the cargo?

Just a pair of droids, myself and the boy. No question.

You're a twisted old fruit, aren't you?

Just as the floss made me.

Looks like someone's noticing your handiwork.

I don't know, some old fart with a pig sticker over there.

Those guys must be really desperate.

Go get the ship ready and I'll meet you in an hour.

Chewie, put out clean linens and no raw meat in the galley.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

um um

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh God.

Yeah.

Wow.

Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ah!

oh god

Tell Jabba I have his money.

Good. This doesn't have to get ugly.

You're already ugly.

You know, when Jabba gives me your ship, I'm going to place your head as a

decoration in the cockpit.

God's about to run.

Put the tits on that stormtrooper.

Shoot first.

So quicker we get out of here, the better I'll feel about everything.

I thought you said the thing was fat.

Talking about your mama, farm boy.

I haven't actually done this in decades, but I seem to remember something about

hyperspace. In a minute, old man.

The rate they're gaining.

Listen, traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, okay? You run

into a star or...

Governor Tarkin, I thought that smell was a Gungan with female trouble, but I

guess it's just you.

Charming.

You don't know how difficult I found it finding your termination order.

I'm surprised you had the balls to do it yourself.

Princess Leia, before I have you executed, I would like you to be my

special ceremony.

If it's you, naked, riding Vader like a bantha... Thanks, but I've already seen

the holocron.

I wonder how you'll feel after we've destroyed your home planet of Alderaan.

No.

Alderaan, it's a peaceful place. I'll do anything. Ask Vader.

I have droids for that.

Where is the hidden rebel base?

Dantooine.

They're on Dantooine.

There. You see, Lord Vader, women can be reasoned with. You simply have to

threaten their entire civilization.

You may fire when ready.

What?

Honestly, I've never even heard of Dantooine.

If I'm going to destroy a planet, I want it first.

Precisely how large of a target do you need to hit?

I'm sorry, sir.

Don't worry, my dear.

I've got all day of necessary.

Stop again.

Didn't like that, did we?

You better let him win.

You won't upset a Wookiee.

Why is it that no one ever cares if I'm upset?

Apparently droids don't count.

Because droids don't do that to their players when they loop.

Wookiees are not going to do that.

I've got the next game, Rust Bucket.

Are you okay?

I felt a great disturbance in the falls.

As if millions of voices cried out in terror.

I was suddenly silent.

Either that or the pickle crate dragon I had for lunch is coming back on me.

Can't you be teaching me how to block these shots?

Patience, Luke.

We're coming up on Alderaan.

Here we go, Chewie.

Turn off the sub -light engine.

Come on, we come out of hyperspace until meteor shower?

Are we there yet?

The position's correct, but... No Alderaan.

Wow, this was a weird trip.

I have a bad feeling about this. Yeah, I think he's right.

Chewie, get us out of here.

Get out of here, Solo!

There's a tractor being holding our position.

I'm about to shut it down.

Well, did you

find

anything? Nothing that's down aboard, sir. Well, take a scanning unit aboard.

I want every part of this ship checked.

Yes, sir.

Now what are we going to do?

R2 has plugged into their network.

I'll need to handle this alone.

The tractor beam must be near the bar.

Near the bar?

I hadn't noticed.

Is anyone interested in Princess Leia's whereabouts?

She's here?

Who's here?

Women?

Princess Leia. The one in the holocron.

We need to rescue her.

What are you talking about?

Revenue.

She's rich. And hot. I mean, really, really hot.

We'll rescue the princess. Chewie, you take care of the troopers.

Let's go.

Hey, Wookie!

Two toys over here.

Stand up, Fuzzy.

Well, it has been kind of slow in the barracks.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh my goodness.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh.

Oh,

yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like it, baby?

You like it? It hurts my little fucking pussy.

Obi -Wan Kenobi?

How can you be sure?

I felt a disturbance in the Force.

And there's his cologne.

Are you sure it's not that new lieutenant? He lays it on thick.

It is Kenobi. The Force is with him.

I must face him alone.

Can I get that train?

Enough of this.

Not very much.

This is not going to work.

Why didn't you say so? This is your plan.

Marching into the detention area was not my plan.

Yes, it was.

I don't know. I'm just making it up as I go.

I can't see a thing with this helmet on.

Where are you? taking this thing?

Oh.

Okay. Whatever.

Every day at lunch, she puts on this show for us.

Are they all that flexible?

Imposters!

Chewie.

Weapons malfunction.

We're fine. We're all fine now. How are you?

You're a man.

Who is this?

What's your identification number?

Chauvinist. Luke, we're going to have company!

Aren't you a little hairy for a stormtrooper?

Huh?

I'm Luke Skywalker.

I'm here to save you.

I'm being rescued by a transvestite.

What are you doing?

Somebody's got to be a man around here.

Great girl.

Whoa, that's all I'm saying.

Get in there, you furry oaf. I need something soft to land on.

A laundry chute?

Nice choice.

What an incredible smell you discovered.

I kind of like it.

What's a woman doing with a bunch of jock straps?

They're comfortable, okay? It could be worth... It's worth... It's my boat's

rider.

Wait. Wait a minute.

C -3PO, do you copy? Proud and proud, sir.

Shut off all the turbo -drivers at the detention level!

How could I know? They may want to disrupt the Imperial laundry.

Just do it!

That's great.

Now, open the hatch on 326 -3827.

I've been waiting for you, Obi -Wan.

I think you might have mistaken me for someone else.

The circle is now complete.

When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

Is this really necessary?

I was just looking for the bathroom.

At my age, it becomes a matter of urgency.

You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

Bet you said that to a lot of guys. Come on.

Get this walking treasure trail out of my way.

You should not have come back.

You can't win, Darth.

If you strike me down, I shall... Oh,

damn.

No!

Just let her go.

I hope that old man got one thing right, or it's going to be a really short

trip. Okay, hit it!

You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.

I bet you said that to a lot of women.

They're tracking us.

Not this ship, sister.

There has to be some explanation for the ease of our escape. You call that easy?

I bet you've said that to a lot of... Quiet, farm boy!

Listen to your worshipfulness.

If you're not happy with your rescue, we can gladly take you back to your cell.

Just take me to Yavin with R2.

What is he carrying that's so important to you?

He has a tech readout to the battle station.

This isn't over yet.

I bet you said that...

It is for me, babe.

I ain't part of your rebellion. I expect to be well compensated.

You want money.

You'll get money.

You know, sometimes I wonder if your friend cares about anything at all.

Yeah, money.

I wonder if we still get a reward if we threw her out the airlock.

I like her.

Not a lot of girls on the moisture farm.

Well, there was Amparoo.

And there was this one Jawa this one time.

Stop talking.

The station's defenses are designed around a direct, large -scale assault.

Apparently, the Empire doesn't consider it a threat.

And they're right.

There is, however, a weakness.

This shaft here leads directly to the main core reactor, and a direct hit will

trigger a chain reaction, which will destroy the entire station.

The shaft is two meters wide.

It's ray -shielded, so you'll have to use your proton torpedoes.

But two meters wide? That's nearly impossible, even with a computer.

It's not impossible.

I used to bowl my womper after my T -16 back home, and they were no more than

two meters wide.

Back in Akron, Luke was the best bush pilot we'd ever seen.

We're lucky to have him.

Old friend of yours?

I've never met him in my life.

Yeah.

Now, man your ships.

May the force be with you.

So you just get your reward and you're leaving, huh?

Attacking a battle station? Might be a good time.

Take me with you.

What? Take me with you. We're going to get slaughtered out there. Hey, kid,

look.

There's not a lot of room on the old Falcon, okay?

Hey, good luck, you guys.

It's just going to be like Beggar's Canyon back home.

Yeah, good luck.

Who is that guy? Hey, look.

May the force be with you.

You know what? Screw you, Solo.

The Rebel base will be in firing range in 30 minutes.

This will be a day long remembered.

It has seen the end of Kenobi. Oh, shut up, Vader. Everything you say is so

melodramatic.

Come back.

Come on.

Lock S -foils in packed position.

Quirkins! The ship is riding low.

Wonder why.

I don't know it.

Whoa. Look at the size of that thing.

Unless you're talking about your dick. Cut the chatter, Red Stu.

At boiled lock.

I'm starting my attack run.

Squadron leader, new signal detected.

Enemy fighters headed in.

of your visual standing.

What do you mean? Look around?

Yes, smartass.

Coming in. 0 .35.

Luke, buddy, the fight's over this way.

Right. Sorry.

You son of a bitch.

Stay on target.

Can't hold them off.

Stay on target.

We've analyzed their attack, sir.

There is a danger. Shall I prep your ship?

Evacuate in a moment of triumph.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? I can just see the reports now. Tarkin turns

tail. Go, go, shoot!

Vic, Wedge, we're going in. We're going in full throttle.

Just ought to keep those fighters off our backs.

Luke, at that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?

Yeah, well, it never stopped me before.

They're coming in much faster now. We can't hold them.

Yeah, I guess not.

I have you now.

Look, I can't stay with you.

You sound just like a hooker. Fine, just take the money and leave.

I lost her too.

I bet you said that to a lot of men.

Great job, kid. One in a million.

It just impacted the surface, sir.

The Rebels have failed.

Rebel base in firing range.

You may fire when ready.

Is Jeff here?

His name is not Jeff. What do you want?

We've got a grease fire in the kitchen and Mr. Stevens sent me out to find Jeff

Vader. Can't you deal with it? Your fire will have to wait, fool. We're about to

crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke.

All right, but it is a rather large fire and the kitchen is next to the core

reactor. What?

Why'd you come back?

What do you think?

Well, I thought there was going to be a celebration.

We are celebrating.

Well, I've never kissed a girl before, except for Aunt Beru.

How about I show you how to kiss somebody that you're not related to?

Well, I'm not related to anybody. I'm an orphan.

I'm an orphan, too.

So, since we're not related to each other...

Do you think you're just going to stand there?

I was waiting for an engraved invitation, Your Highness.

Yeah.

the music.

Thank you.

That's it.

Shit.

Fuck.

Sorry farm boy, I always shoot first.

No.