All language subtitles for An.Alan.Smithee.Film.Burn.Hollywood.Burn.1997.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

yo!

adrian!

you know, i never...

one time with her...
and we still had a child,

so it's a very
religious movie, you know.

it's the immaculate
ejection.

♪ ooh, ooh, holly would ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, if holly could ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, holly should ♪

♪ go down on me ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, holly would ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, if holly could ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, holly should ♪

♪ go down on me ♪

♪ i looked up at the neon sky ♪

♪ i looked down
at a bug passin' by ♪

♪ i couldn't help
but look in his eye ♪

♪ but i turned away
when he asked for a dime ♪

♪ i wandered down
the sidewalk of the stars ♪

♪ i drank all night
in alternative bars ♪

♪ everybody had their hair
died black ♪

♪ and some kind of weird
tattoo on their back ♪

♪ here i am, here i am ♪

♪ i'm in the middle
of la-la-land ♪

♪ yeah, here i am, here i am ♪

♪ i'm in the middle
of la-la-land ♪

♪ this is the place
they all warned me about ♪

♪ he'll be back
just another burnout ♪

♪ i must admit the fascination
is strong ♪

♪ i wonder how long
till the glamour is gone ♪

♪ i finally found
a group of my peers ♪

♪ to celebrate
i pierced my ears ♪

♪ out here you know
it's kind of expected ♪

♪ but it hurt like hell
when it got infected ♪

♪ here i am, here i am ♪

♪ i'm in the middle
of la-la-land ♪

♪ yeah, here i am, here i am ♪

♪ i'm in the middle
of la-la-land ♪

♪ they had a shopping cart
convention ♪

♪ man, they had
everybody's attention ♪

♪ they're out on highland
just a-walkin' the line ♪

♪ and it was mad dog, mad dog
out of their mind ♪

♪ you know that mad dog, mad dog
had 'em out of their mind ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ la-la-land ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ la-la-land ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ la-la-land ♪

♪ whoa la-la-land ♪

♪ car alarms and
cops in the sky ♪

♪ gridlock out on the 405 ♪

♪ sometimes it seems
just like a battle zone ♪

♪ but i'm making triple
what i did back home ♪

♪ this is a town
of hate and hope ♪

♪ it can send you
to the end of your rope ♪

♪ you must stay conscious
of what you're dreamin' ♪

♪ 'cause there's all kinds
of ways ♪

♪ you can end up swingin' ♪

♪ here i am, here i am ♪

♪ i'm in the middle
of la-la-land ♪

♪ yeah, here i am, here i am ♪

♪ i'm in the middle
of la-la-land ♪

i'm gonna kill somebody
if there's a hair on the lens...

'cause i don't have
all day to do this.

oh, chill out! chill out!

don't fuck
with me.

don't fuck
with me.

don't fuck
with me.

don't fuck with us!

cut!

nice one, nice one.
star-fuckin'-power!

you like it, jamie?
that was so great!
that's star-fuckin'-power!

you sure? beautiful.
if you like it, i like it.
it's gonna blow everyone away!

shall we do it
again then?
what are you talkin' about?

they nailed it!
did they?

uh, just one more,
please.
did you nail it or not?

nailed it!
honey,
it's done.

- print it, alan.
- are you quite certain?
i think it can be better.

please.
better? james, why don't you
talk to this idiot?

i hired you.
don't fuck with me!

if you don't get that camera
out of my face, i'm gonna
sean penn your ass!

don't fuck
with me.

don't fuck
with me.

don't fuck
with me.

don't fuck with us!

this film did not come
to any theater anywhere...

because the director stole
the negative and no prints
could be made.

what you are about to see
will document the story...

of a movie that was made
and never seen.

we were set! set!

♪ mike ovitz
michael s. ovitz ♪

♪ mike ovitz! i wanna be ♪

♪ why can't i be michael ovitz ♪

♪ i wanna be michael ovitz ♪
god!

the critics loved it.

a $200 million budget,
and the critics loved it.

whoopi, jackie,
sly together,
and the critics loved it.

real violence,
and the critics loved it.

can you imagine?

no ishtar talk, none
of that waterworld garbage.

we would have
outgrossed e.t.

and i'm saying that
one hundred percent,
officially on the record.

buggers! buggers!

i fuck-all fixed
the buggers!

did you hear that,
slime?

i fuck-all fixed
the buggers!

♪ mr. rin tin tin ♪

♪ mr. rin tin tin ♪

i felt when i read
the first draft
that we had a hit movie,

and that was before
whoopi or jackie or sly
were cast.

my one problem
with the first draft...

was that the character that
became whoopi and the character
that became jackie...

both die, and the character
that becomes sly had
an unredemptive arc.

are you really telling me
i should die?

are you gonna
tell me that, honey?

i'm whoopi goldberg.
i can't die.

huh-uh.
what are you? god?

no. i will not die.

i will absolutely
not die.

i will positively
not die.

no die, no die,
no die.

i'd say redemption is
a subject that i really,
truly believe in.

i believed in it
for john rambo; of course,
redemption for rocky balboa.

i think redemption's
good for the soul,

it's good for box office,
it's good for the country.

it's a cleansing thing.
i mean, it's a definite.

i mean, life without redemption
is like a day without orange
juice. forget about it.

when i heard that whoopi
and jackie and sly
were interested,

i knew the script would need
a little work, and so
we hired six writers...

and then three more,
and then three more.

i knew we were not
compromising the integrity
of the material...

or compromising the integrity
of the writer... writers...

writers have integrity.
i know that.

when i heard that whoopi
and jackie and sly...

had been cast in my script,
i knew the script was history.

i knew i was dead meat.
i also knew
i'd be very rich.

well, i felt that i could
underline the parenthetical...

and irrelevant homoerotic...

aspects of the relationships,

without, of course,
dwelling on it...

in a sexual
kind of context.

i'm a film critic. i know
it doesn't take much
to be a screenwriter.

i got my chance
to prove that on trio.

i took out everything
eszterhaz had put in.
a critic's dream.

the movie is about guns.

he has the...

uh, how shall i put this?

he has a very narrow,
very male definition...

of a gun...
of the use of a gun.

when they first came to me,
i figured they wanted me
to play sly's part...

and jackie's part,
whoopi's part,

but they wanted my words,
not my face.

ah, fuck it.

at the end
they brought me in
for polish.

i was polishing
the script...

that i had
originally written.

i didn't recognize
a word of it.

i put it all together.
we had a fucking home run.

i scissored all the drafts,
i then pasted it together...

ivan reitman and don simpson
taught me that.
selznick used to do it.

we were ready.

i didn't die.

honey, i told him,
"whoopi goldberg doesn't die."
i told him.

i did not die.
i never die.

even if i die,
i will come back
with a reincarnation.

so i never die.
okay?

i was redemptive
enough to shoot it...

because i knew i'd do
my own polish
since i ad-libbed it.

i don't know if that's
hard to follow, but if...

you're an actor-writer-
director-producer-
choreographer-stunt...

kind of guy and worked
on music, you'd follow
that logic.

♪ money ♪

♪ money, money, money ♪

♪ money ♪

i was surprised when james
and jerry came to me about
alan directing the picture.

alan was a brilliant cutter,
but he had spent his whole life
in editing rooms,

and this was a very big picture
with a very big budget.

i asked them why they wanted
alan, and even suggested
four other top directors:

dick donner, mel gibson,
stuart baird... mel gibson.

and they said
all the right things.

alan had edited a great many
big-budget action pictures,

and everybody in town knew that
alan badly wanted to direct.

but the real reason james and
jerry wanted alan to do it...

i felt was that they viewed
him as controllable.

they both felt that they could
tell him what to do on the set.

alan's a very sweet man.

he has this tibetan holy rock
that he rubs all the time...

and a tanzanian
fighting stick that
he carries with him everywhere.

there is a spirituality
to alan.

nothing smarmy or anxious,
but just a real gentleness
of spirit.

controllable?
god, no. no.

i don't run the studio
based on who's controllable.
why would i do that?

that's ridiculous.
it's not about control.
it's about art.

it's about
entertaining people.

it's about making
ticket-buyers' lives better
for an hour and 36,

or an hour and 42.

♪♪ they said we'd be mates,
is what they said.

they said i will be the director
and they will be my mates.

that's what the buggers said.
that was before they told me
i'd never work in film again.

that was before james edmonds
threatened to kill me!

well, i killed them,
didn't i? the fiends!
what fiends!

i am absolutely,
one hundred percent,
on-the-record certain...

that james edmonds would never
threaten to kill anyone.

i've known the guy 20 years.
he's a decent and gentle
human being.

even if he did threaten
to kill him...

he was kidding.

he's a great kidder.
you still there?

everybody in this town
knows that james edmonds
has a history of violence.

he was on an mgm flight
coming back from new york...

and he had ordered
a special meal...
a pink's hot dog.

he was still
eating meat then.

the hot dog was burned.

he beat the shit
out of the steward, he beat
the shit out of the chef.

it cost him $5 million.

he stopped eating meat.

no! no! no!

that is completely,
categorically,

officially and unofficially
not true.

honey?

♪♪ ah, i've had a good life
in this town.

i have no complaints.
i've made a lot of hit movies.

i've dated a lot
of beautiful women and, well,
you know, people get jealous.

they say stuff, but
i wouldn't hurt a fly.
would i, francesca?

allessandra.

allessandra.
would i?
no, james.

as the shit went on,
alan became quieter.

he said everything was fine,
but he was alone.

he reveres his wife
and family, but
they were in england,

and he was living
in that apartment
in santa monica,

going to the set, watching
dailies till late, then going
home to that empty apartment.

his wife and the boys
were in england.

we did try
living in los angeles
for a bit, all of us.

the boys were prepubescent.

they didn't really
take much to los angeles.

well, neither did i,
really.

alan and i felt
they'd be exposed...

to a different world
when we went there, but then...

then we discovered
los angeles to be...

a very homogeneous
society:

whites with the whites,
africans with the africans,
spaniards with the spaniards.

we decided they'd learn
more about life here.

it was
a mutual decision.

i was his
assistant director.

he didn't even say
"wrap." i did.

he didn't hug whoopi or
sly or jackie. i did.

- hiya, lane.
- hey. i'm just sayin',
you know?

i'm a writer.
he respected that.

i am a director,
and he respected that,

and i respected him
for respecting that.

why weren't tom and nicole
in the park today?

we drove all the way
to malibu.

i don't know.
we'll try again
next weekend, okay?

i told 'em
we were coming.

he edited fast
and tight.

we had to change
very little.

we had a release date to make,
and you can imagine the hype
on the movie.

i mean, the biggest budget
in history,

and whoopi
and jackie and sly.

motherfuck!

♪♪ we didn't have to go looking
for tie-ins. they came to us.

burger king. pizza hut.
everybody.

we were going to open
in 7,000 theaters.

and we were critic-proof.
sheila maslin, the critic,
was one of our screenwriters.

well, he was the best.
he was the best editor
in the business.

i had very little
assisting to do.

that day he was staring
at this piece of footage,

and he was smiling
and he looked really pleased,

and i was smiling
because he was smiling,
and i said,

"you're really pleased with
yourself, aren't you?"

and he said, "i am indeed.

i have managed to make
a movie that's pure shit."

i don't like guys who hype.

i don't like guys who say,
"this is great."

i like guys who say,
"this is shit."

ah, he was insecure.
most artists are.

he underrated
what he had done.

he was too close to it.
he was blinded artistically.

that's why we had to come in
and make a few... changes,

but what i saw
was great. great!

i mean, what i liked
about alan...

was that he had
this spiritual maturity,

and the artistic talent...

to listen to the suggestions
as they came up.

god, jerry,
you're gonna choke!

right there!
cut it right there.
no. no, no, no!

why are you so insecure?
you can't take
any suggestions.

it's awful.
it's terrible.

you've sodomized this!

sodomized it? what the fuck
you talkin' about?
i don't do that.

please, james, i beg you.
my name's on this movie.

well, take your name off.
you can use "alan smithee."

i am alan smithee!
yeah, you
and hundreds of others. now...

he would often
disagree with me,

and then i would
overrule him.

hey! i chew it,
i don't smoke it.
this shit is poison.

are you trying to kill me?

of course he would
disagree.

he has artistic integrity.

it's true that sometimes
when he would disagree,

jerry would threaten
to fire him,

and it's true that alan
did not want to be fired.

this was his first picture as
a director. it would have been
disastrous for his career.

i never threatened
to shitter him.

i threatened to kill him.
but i was kidding.
come on, move over!

no, i'm not a fuckin' bully.

i'm not some sort
of a wise-ass street punk.
please!

it's about the talent.
it's always been
about the talent.

you know, maybe jerry
threatened to shitter him,
but not me.

i cut the picture.
i didn't cut the picture.
they cut the picture.

i cut the picture.
i didn't cut the picture.
they cut the picture.

i cut the picture.
i didn't cut the picture.
they cut...

let's contemplate
tibet.

oh! smashing!

it was a good cut.

i looked good.

good! good! no die.

good. no die.
no reincarnation.

good! good! no die.

yo-ho-ho.

you know,
for a seasonal thing.

no?

i'm doing this for free,
so don't break
my balls, okay?

i cut the picture.
ask anybody.

the studio approved it.
i cut it.

oh, yuck!
that smells!

you all right?
sorry.

call me daddy.

that bloody bastard took it
from me and bloody well
cut it himself!

he gave it to the bloody studio,
and that stupid bloody dwarf
said "thank you."

but i felt that alan
was overreacting.

i tried to tell him
this was his first movie.

what he was describing
was par for the course.

it happens all the time.

never! i've never
interfered with a director.

i mean, i was a director,
so i know how they feel.

interfere with a director?
never.

director's my biggest ally,
and i've saved
a lot of their jobs.

they've saved one or two
of my performances.

put yourself in my place.
let's say...

i think it's like being
on this jumbo jet,
and you're this great pilot,

but you're a passenger,
and the guy flying
the plane is...

he's kind of a hack pilot,
all right?

you're going through
turbulence, the plane
is going down,

and you want to get up there
and grab the controls
and save your life,

but you can't do it
because it's un...
politically uncorrect...

or it's illegal
or there are
union problems,

so we all go down
in flames, okay?

you know what?
this kid is fireproof.
i'm not going down for nobody.

but do i interfere?

yes. no. no. yes.
it all depends what time
it is, you know?

yeah, i do.
so what?

the director is in control
of everyone,

but he's not
in control of me.

as long as he's not
in control of me,

i help the director
be in control.

if somehow
he stupidly thinks
he's in control of me...

i felt something
was very wrong with me.

i-i couldn't concentrate.

i had to stop reading
war and peace.

i walk around
the la brea tar pits,

which i consider
a holy place,

and they suddenly seem
like a vision of hell.

i-i call myrna and the boys
and i'd find myself...

even tibet and tanzania
stopped interesting me.

i love my rock...

and my stick.

usually when he called,
he said everything was fine
with the movie,

but his voice was broken.

i thought for a moment
he was having an affair.

but then i dismissed it.

we've been
very lovingly married
for nearly 30 years now.

did i give you
enough of the beef, dear?
yes, my dear. thank you.

my cousin andrew.

i was over at evan's house...

when james called and told me
what he wanted from me.

so i called my friend cindy
and we went to le dome
for an early dinner,

and pretended to be
surprised to see them.

we went over to the table
and, you know...

"hi, james." "hey, mishi."
like it was a big surprise.

michelle! you look great.
good to see you.
what a surprise.

and then he introduced us
to alan, and we sat down
with the two of them.

no, i have no recollection
of anybody joining us...

that night that we had
dinner at le dome.

and i did,
i told him he needed
to get laid,

but i was saying that
to him as a friend.

what i meant was,
"fly your wife over here."
that's all.

i'm a good guy.

alan, though...
he's not saying much.

i'm sitting next to him
and he's all tucked into...

his jungle outfit,
holding his stick.

give me that!
no, no.

alan!

i don't think we're
quite ready for that yet.

"oh, yes, we are,"
i say to alan, and he laughs.

now he's looking
at my breasts.

and james orders
another bottle of cristal,

and alan is
chugging it down.

wait a minute!
she said what?

am i supposed to answer for
every loony-tune allegation by
every dumb bimbo in this town?

get out of here!
get out of here!

i am... i'm a producer,
not a pimp!

there's a difference!

we went to his place.

god.

we... you know...

well, he was down.
i could tell that.

i mean,
i've got a heart.

artists, you know.
god love 'em.

i called james the next day
and gave him the details.

that was part of the deal.
he messengered the money
over to me.

"what do you want to know
all this stuff for?"
i asked james.

james said he wanted...

to look him in the face...

and make him know...

that he knew everything.

that's really some silly,
ugly shit.

why would i want to compromise
someone like that?

to fuck 'em over, to rip out
their guts? that's not me.

i'm not saying there aren't
people in this town
that wouldn't do it,

but, you know, that's really
old hollywood shit.

that's that harry cohen shit.
those guys, they didn't
believe in karma. i do.

i don't even
eat meat anymore.
i'm all pasta.

♪♪ you wanna know the truth?
i like the sap a lot.

he was...
he was romantic.

he's not like the kind
of people i meet here
at bob's house.

he's not a jack or warren
kind of guy.

♪ i drive a beat-up car ♪

he kissed me
when i left.

he said,
"thank you, love."

♪ go on! go on!
fuck the bastard, trade sex ♪

stand up.
♪ baby, who's your man ♪

♪ baby, who's your man ♪

♪ baby, who's your man ♪
hey.

turn around.

new hairdo.
sophisticated lady,
grace kelly time.

you look
great, kid.
thank you,
daddy.

lucky daddy.

good thing
that incest turns him on.

ah, christ! we'd done
the advance critics,
the billboards were up.

we worked
the fast-food tie-in.

the three dudes were everywhere.
you couldn't get away from 'em.

they were more subconscious
than the batman logo.

we had to cut
one of jackie's lines.

you know, sly wanted it out.

we had to do it
behind jackie's back.

alan says,
"i'll take care of it."

all that was left was
to get the master to the lab,
get it duped.

alan said he'd take care
of that too.

hey! james is here
already.

how do you like
our trucks?

spielberg's got one
just like it. so does geffen.

keanu's getting one.

uh, jerry got the call
and, and he's the one
who told me.

yeah. couldn't believe it.
i mean, i could not
believe it.

i just said, "what?"

what do you say
in a moment like that,
you know?

i usually have my reader
write the responses.

i just said, "what?"

the billboards
were all up.

the premiere was set
to go at grauman's.

it would have been
the biggest premiere
since gone with the wind.

the three dudes
were all coming.
mtv was gonna cover it live.

the master print was gone.
that's all jerry said.

- i said, "gone?"
- i said, "gone? who had it?"

they said, "smithee.
he took it down to the lab
for the duping."

- what are you trying to say?
without that master negative...
- we're fucked!

- without that master negative,
we didn't have a movie!
- and where's smithee?

i said,
"where the fuck is he?"

they said,
"gone."

we got his note
an hour later
by messenger.

all it said was
"it's my movie. my movie."

there was a postcard
with it.
the la brea tar pits!

i shoulda killed him when
i said i was gonna kill him!

oh, no, no.
you have to edit that out.

goddamn talent!
crazy fuckin' artist!

motherfuckin' pig!
fuckin' son-of-a-bitch!

i got a fuckin' business
to run here!

i got a fuckin' business!
i got people in tokyo!

i got fuckin'
stockholders want...

crazy son-of-a-bitch
motherfucker!

he doesn't mean that.
he just lost his temper.

you know, scorsese's
his daughter's godfather.

de palma too!
and de palma... de palma's
the other daughter's godfather.

we had $212 million
into it, not counting
prints and ads.

$212 million, and smithee
had it in his hands.

♪ the itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ went up the waterspout ♪

♪ down came the rain ♪

♪ and washed the spider out ♪

where the fuck
was he?

gone. gone. he was gone.
gone like burt reynolds.

gone like cher.
gone like elvis.
cher's comin' back.

she survived sonny,
she survived infomercials.
she's got the human spirit.

burt! burt's
comin' back too.
and elvis lives in kalamazoo!

it was in the inquirer.
there you got it.
three out of three, huh?

we thought we had
the whole f...

i'm a private investigator.
the studio hired me.

we got to be friends
over that heidi business.

we had five days
before this movie
was supposed to open.

first we wanted to contain it.
we didn't want it bleeding
into the media.

the studio brought in
a psychologist. i wanted
a profile of smithee.

i'd heard about
his tanzanian stick,
his tibetan holy rock,

his paramilitary outfit.

these factors did not
make me comfortable.

we started lookin' for him.

jesus, we had only five days
until the movie opened.

we had to get
that film back.

a big story
from hollywood tonight:

sources tell channel 3 news
that the director
of the blockbuster film trio,

scheduled to open
in five days...

has stolen his own film
from the lab and disappeared.
smithee, who is...

53, and described to us
by this channel's usually
reliable sources...

as a loner who has been
despondent over marital...
problems.

♪ get gone, baby ♪

♪ baby, just get gone ♪

♪ get gone, get gone ♪

♪ i thought lovin' you
was the right thing ♪

♪ but i guess that i was wrong ♪

♪ get gone, baby ♪

♪ baby, just get gone ♪

♪ get gone, get gone ♪

i don't feel bad about
saying anything to the media.

he wouldn't have popped mishi
if he wasn't having
trouble at home.

even if his wife's picture
was on the nightstand,
the pop speaks for itself.

what are we supposed to say?
that he did this because
he thought the movie was shit?

you always try to avoid any kind
of negativity before you open.

they woke me up,

you know, these
tabloid muckrakers,

and they asked me
if alan and i were having
marital problems.

they're bloody cheeky.

so i told them
of course we weren't,

alan and i were very happy
when we saw each other
every six months or so.

♪ i'm giving condoms
for christmas ♪

♪ pretty ones
red, yellow and blue ♪

i determined that he was
a healthy and gentle man.

he mainly worked.
he would never go
to a place like spago's.

he ate mostly
at the doggie diner.

when i shared these conclusions
with the studio,

they threatened to bring in
another psychologist
for a rewrite.

♪ out came the sun ♪

♪ and dried up all the rain ♪

when i heard he ate
at doggie diner,
i turned to jerry,

i said, "are you
out of your mind?

you allowed a guy who eats
at doggie diner to direct
a $200 million movie?"

i said i didn't know
he was that way.

remember, james?
you didn't know
he was that way.

if we had known about
doggie diner,

we never would have
let him direct it.

let's not point
any fingers, okay?

that's funny.

i reassessed it.

i saw we were talking
classic loner syndrome now.

lee harvey oswald time.
junk food and desolation city.

texas tower deja vu.
travis bickle, here i come.

i helped cut taxi driver.
hmm.

♪♪ we were everywhere.

we had the l.a.p.d.
working with us.

we staked out the airport,
focusing on flights
to tanzania and tibet.

we staked out
the la brea tar pits.

we staked out
his apartment.

we staked out the doggie diner.
there are a lot of them.

it took a lot of manpower,
a lot of overtime.

business affairs
wasn't happy.

i saw myself
on the bloody telly.

i was sitting in a pub
on sunset, drinking a pink gin,

and i saw myself
on the bloody telly.

♪ and the itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ climbed up the spout again ♪

he was quite proud
about having stolen the film.

he said they'd made it
into a very bad film,

and he didn't want
the world to see it.

he felt he had the right
to make that decision
'cause he was the director.

i didn't argue with alan.

i live a very simple life here.
i don't understand
hollywood things.

♪ baby doll, baby doll ♪

♪ what ya doin' to me ♪

♪ baby doll, baby doll ♪

when james came back
to the beach that night,

he was horribly
depressed and angry.

we tried sex,
but it didn't do any good.

he smoked a joint,
but it didn't do any good.

he snorted coke,
but it didn't do any good.

he ate some pasta,
but it didn't do any good.

he didn't have anything
to drink.

he believes
alcohol is poison.

we tried sex again, but...

there wasn't much improvement.

he said only robert evans
could help him.

he said robert evans
transcended sex and drugs.

aloe vera, aloe vera!
she's my ex-girlfriend.

i dumped her. naturally
she's gonna make up
all this shit about me.

hell hath no fury...
basic instinct.
fatal attraction.

i don't do drugs.

i told you i don't even
eat meat. i'm a pasta man.

and that is why paramount...

is going to be paramount
in the industry in the '70s.

i promise you that.

by the time edmonds gets
to my house, i'd already
seen it on tv.

the whole fuckin' town's
talkin' about it. poor guy.

any of us could put
terrorism onto the screen,
but when it's for real...

and it hits you right
in the cojones,
it hurts bad.

walks right past me,
sits in his chair
in the projection room,

but there ain't nothing
on the screen.

he's just starin'...

and starin'... and starin'.

i don't know what to do.
i'm lucky i got the one doctor
that can clear up his sinuses.

that's mishi. send her in.
don't know what happened.
don't wanna.

but she's some
hell of a doctor.

i was tired.

my mom and i had been down
to christophe getting
highlights all day,

and then we'd gone down
to bulgari to check out
the diamond crosses,

so i was tired.

and when bob asked me
to go in and check on james,

i didn't feel like it.

but james was just sitting there
in the dark in warren's chair,

and he looked so vulnerable,
like such a victim.

and i was feeling guilty
about sleeping
with alan smithee.

i mean, it wasn't like
sleeping with o.j. or anything,

but still...

alan had stolen a film.

that's not good.

that's bad.

i'd been out with a couple
of gaffers. we had a few.

i got back to my place,
and i guess i was just
about right here.

i saw him. he hit me.

lies!
bloody, fucking lies!

well, it was late at night.
i heard something back here.

it was really dark out.

alan smithee was out there,
waving a stick around
like a madman,

and i fired him on the spot.

we have always been
very selective at taa.

i mean, stallone begged
and pleaded with us.

ballocks! it's ballocks!
i was never there.

i rang him to tell him
i didn't want to release
another terrible movie.

he asked me
if i'd lost my marbles.

"the world will see a million
more awful movies," he said.

"what difference does it make
if one of them is yours?"

then i fired him.
he didn't want to be fired.

he said if i gave the film
back, he could get redford
into my next movie.

i wasn't impressed.
i know taa.

if they really want something,
they use cruise as their bait,
not redford.

still, redford is one step up
from hoffman.

let's go, let's go!
got 'em. come on!

all right. now we had
two incidents
that were very scary.

first, he beat up the ad.

he got our attention.
we took very good care of him.

then, he threatened
his own agent.

i mean, you don't threaten
agents in this town.

it works the other way,
you know?

i mean, this guy was
a few fries short of
a jumbo meal, you know?

oh, it's... that's... what do
you call it? a penalty...
a foul.

"amok." that was
the word they used.

that was the word
the murdoch papers used.

they asked me, "why has
your husband run amok?"

as if it was my fault,

making their tabloid
inferences and innuendos
in their murdoch way.

i got very angry
with alan then.

i thought, why are you trying
to spoil my simple life?

it's only a bloody movie.

bad shit! bad shit!
it was top of the national news.

it was banner-fucking-headlines.

p.t. barnum couldn't have
done it any better.

merrick couldn't have
done it any better.

jon peters couldn't have
done it any better.

i couldn't do it any better.

all we needed was
to get the damn film back.

on the line is the director
of trio, alan smithee.

can you hear me?
kiss my bum, larry!
we can hear you just fine.

pucker up.
are you puckered up?
yes.

what can you tell me about
why you are doing this,
mr. smithee?

you stupid fucker.
why?
yes, why?

burn, hollywood, burn!
burn, hollywood, burn!

you're gonna burn
trio? why?
i must.

o.j. did it,
didn't he, larry?

you must?
why must you?

are you daft?
you know he did it.

didn't whoopi
work in the part?
yes, but ted danson ruined her.

was it jackie chan then?
no, no, no. he doesn't
speak any english.

then it's stallone?
no, he's finally
out of the closet.

then what is wrong?
michael ovitz is gone,
that's what's wrong.

you mean,
you're afraid it won't be
commercially successful.

you're afraid
of your career.

i'm at the top, you schumck!
you kiss everybody else's butt.
why aren't you kissing mine?

you're at the pinnacle
of your career, and you're
gonna burn your own film.

i saw you kiss marlon brando.
why did you kiss marlon brando?

he was calling into
the tv shows.

he had his face all over
the front pages.

this guy was more popular
on the rush limbaugh
circuit...

than heidi fleiss
and hugh grant had been.

he was badmouthing
the movie, though.

i mean, that's always...

scary.
ahh! mommy!

mommy! mommy!

alan was everywhere.
everywhere.

he did what bob tried to do
when he wrote his book:
be everywhere.

i'd been with some names,
but i realize...

jack, warren, even henry...
alan was everywhere.

he was turning
into the biggest name
i'd ever been with everywhere.

i'm not a star-fucker.

from what we now know,
he was living mostly in his car
and driving around.

he was eating bologna sandwiches
and driving up and down the 405.

i don't know why nobody
pulled him over.

we had his license
plate number. it was
a black range rover, though.

half the west side
drives that car.

well, we had to do
something.

l.a.p.d. wasn't getting
anywhere. rizzo wasn't
getting anywhere.

it was my idea to go out
and try and communicate
with smithee.

i'm a communicator.

i said to james,
"you got a presence,
a solidity, a persona.

go on tv.
try to talk to smithee."
you know, time was running out.

the exhibitors were going crazy
wondering if they were ever
gonna get their picture...

pussy.

james edmonds, the producer
of the movie trio,

is with us live tonight
with this dramatic appeal.

james?
thank you,
mario.

alan, we know
you're out there,

and we know that
you're in pain.

we were a family
all through the shoot,
and we're a family still,

and when you needed
our advice during the shoot,
we were there,

and our sole intent was
to make a great movie.

well, you did that,
alan, and we're proud
of you for it.

please call us.
please.

the world deserves
to see what your...

your genius has created.

it's only human to be
displeased with something
that we've done, but don't...

don't do an injustice
to yourself, alan.

we love you, and we're
praying for you.

thank you
very much.

later tonight on action 3 news,
the pit bull they couldn't kill,

and another severed penis
found on the sony lot
in culver city.

how'd it go?
fucking
sensational.

james, is this movie
really a piece of shit?

it's fucking
sensational.
thanks
for coming.

i work at the big shell station
right over there
in south central.

range rover pulls in.
dude gets out, pumps some gas.

it was the dude, man.
it was the dude!

hey. you gonna
burn it?

oh, yes. absolutely.
i have no choice.

you know they're gonna
kick that pink, white,
khaki ass of yours, right?

yes, absolutely.
they'll have no choice.

let me ask you.
you still got
that stick, dude?

yeah. it's african.
it protects me.

wanna see it?
it's in the vehicle.

it's lovely, isn't it?

it's cool.
nice.
yeah.

would you like it?
here, take it.

no, man.
it's your stick.
yeah.

- i'm not really african.
- around here you're gonna
need this.

well, i still have
my holy rock.

- come on, dude. man, let's
go get some ribs, huh?
- yeah.

so when he was done, i tell him,
"you the luckiest white boy
that'd ever die."

he said, "oh, no, not me.
i fucked myself."

i said, "nah, man.
you comin' with me.
we gonna hide you out."

he said, "you not gonna
take my film cans, is you?"

i said, "nah, man.
i can dig. i'm... "

"an actor," he says.

i look at him and realize,
well, certainly he is.

this is los angeles.
everyone's an actor.

so i tell him about
the family.

the african american
guerilla film family.

we can dig that.

art. integrity versus
the system. the studios.

baby back ribs
with hot sauce. mmm.

black-eyed peas
and collard greens.

i had no idea
he was forming a terrorist
alliance with the schvartzes...

uh, african americans. hi.

of course, it would not
have mattered one whit
had we known what he was doing.

you know, i don't know
if i'd mentioned this.
harry belafonte is actually...

a very good friend
of mine and, uh, spike...

lee?
lee, yes, once invited my wife
and i to a knicks game...

and at the last second
he couldn't make it, but he
gave us the tickets, you know?

what's his name? what's his
name? when he... uh, mandela.
nelson.

nelson.
i'm the one who set up
the reception for him.

i used someone's in the kitchen
and wolfgang puck.
for nelson. it was fabulous.

please tell me
that this is
caviar house beluga.

nope. it's petrossian.
i can't believe it.

go get her.
honey?

fine.

you do have
the wide-angle lens for this?

when we found out afterwards
where he had been, i wasn't
the least bit surprised.

i think that whole telluride
crowd is subversive.

rizzo found out afterwards that
many of the african americans
who had been with smithee...

had also been
up at telluride.

one of them had
even been to venice.

venice? jesus.
bunch of communists in venice.

i've never been to telluride.
i ski in aspen.

one year we couldn't get in,
and we had to go to vail.
disgusting.

vail? that's worse
than telluride.

i told you
we couldn't get in.

that's the only reason
i went.

what do you mean,
you couldn't get in? you?

you didn't
flush.
no, i never
flush myself.

bulgari, here i come.

mr. edmonds.
alan smith.

excuse me?
alan smith.

from the national enquirer.
s-m-i-t-h.
ah. ah. ah.

you're the guys who did
that story on ryan o'neal.
we sure did.

did he sue you?
he sure didn't.

alan smith. s-m-i-t-h.
he should have sued you.

i think
i actually hit him.

so anyhow, i called
the family together.

smithee sat with stagger lee
while we were waiting.

stagger put
the third man on.

smithee started analyzing
the cuttin' scene by scene,

so stagger started
taking notes.

so i asked him,
"you like spike?"

he goes, "oh, yes, indeed."

"do you like john singleton?"
"oh, yes, indeed."

"you like carl franklin?"
"oh, yes, indeed."

"you like
the brothers brothers?"
"yeah."

"the brothers brothers.
the ultimate street
filmmakers in history?

you ain't no brother and
word up bitch?"

he goes,
"i am in awe. in awe."

i have the greatest respect
for african american filmmakers.

they are the cutting edge,
they are the driving force,
of american film.

i was personally and deeply
devastated and decimated...

when carl franklin left us
last year for universal,

just like most of our talent
left us last year
for universal.

i love carl's movies,
though.

jungle fever...

that's my favorite.

sister ii lumumba
called me up,

and she said he was cool
and we need to help
the motherfucker out.

and i say, "yeah?
you know, straight up?

get that motherfucker
a straightjacket and
wear it the fuck up first."

yo, leon called, dude.
they got the motherfucker
at the family.

i say, "what they got
the motherfucker there fo'?

they takin' hostages now?"

i understood we were
waiting for something,
but i didn't know what.

there was a palpable
expectation in the room.

they put a brothers brothers
movie on the telly...
you ain't no brother.

i love that movie.

it could have been cut
a little tighter.

yo. we walk in,
and it's mad late,

and smithee's over there
on the couch, watching
you ain't no brother.

he got the cans of film
on the side.

so we walk in, and he looks.
and you know what?

motherfucker got whiter.

sister ii lumumba, she say
we the brothers brothers.

now, he one pale white,
film-robbin', terrorist
son-of-a-bitch.

smithee say, "it's a great
pleasure to meet you.

i'd never met any cossack
filmmakers before."

yeah, and i was down
with that.

i was down with that.

yo, and my momma's cossack.

and my momma's cossack too.

don't! don't, okay?
don't!

don't ask me about
the brothers brothers, okay?

not one word.

i don't know
the brothers brothers.

i don't know any cossacks
or half cossacks.

bob doesn't know any cossacks
or half cossacks who come
over to the house,

although i'm sure
warren knows them.

it was funny what was
happening to me.

i was thinking
about smithee all the time.

thinking about him,
thinking about him.

it was like...

i'd been touched
by the holy spirit.

jack, warren, henry
touched me a lot.

no holy spirit.

see, he was mo'
cossack than us.

he was mo' roots
than us.
that's right.

nobody else in the family
was cossack,
except for me, dion,

and smithee,
he was honorary.

you know what?
he was a cool
motherfucker, man.

you know what?
he was a fly
motherfucker, man.

ah-ha.

ready. i think
we've seen it.

seems to be pretty much
the one song.

i miss
lionel richie.
lionel richie?

honey, i miss charlie pride.
vanilla ice.

- who's that?
- it's the brothers brothers.

shit!

- hey.
- hey. who's playin'?

- the brothers brothers.
- aw, shit.

i must do it.

i must do it.
i must.

yo, yo, yo. yo.
yo. look, man.

some wild shit
you's doin',
man.

talk... you
talkin' some craz...
that's just whacked.

you gotta understand,
man, this is a film.

yeah, man,
this is the shit
we live for, man.

that's a lot of
people's sweat in
those cans, man.

you can't burn
that shit. you got
to give that shit back.

i can't.
look. put it
to you this way:

you gotta
do it, bro'.

they took the film
away from me.
they stole it.

they abused me,
they raped me, they
threatened to kill me.

yeah, they pimped your ass,
that's for goddamn sure.

pimped the shit out you.
like a two-dollar ho'.

i mean, if we believe
in film, and we do,

then don't we have
a responsibility to protect
the world from bad ones?

this movie
really that bad?

it's fuckin' horrible.
it's worse than showgirls.

it's worse
than showgirls?

- it's a piece of shit!
- i say, man, you don't
burn the flick.

i say what you do
is you take your name
off that shit.

yeah, you can use
that phony name, uh-uh...

the one everybody
be usin'.

i can't do that!

i am alan smithee!

uh, we
african-americans.
strike one.

we cossack-americans.
that's strike two.

but our motherfuckin' name
ain't alan smithee.

that's for goddamn sure.

♪ you can ride, johnny
ride until the day you die ♪

ah, my brother smithee,
i say, straight up,
mo'fucker,

what you want
is final cut and shit.

and that's what
we gonna get for your ass.

we don't know where
smithee is at this point,
but i'm goin' nuts!

the debecker people
are all over the house,
and out here in the yard.

♪♪ there are guns
all over the house.

the babies are
being woken up in
the middle of the night...

with the debecker guys
goin' to the bathroom...

my wife! my wife says,
"this isn't a family movie.

it's not jane austen.
it's not forrest gump."

then... then!
the brothers brothers
call me.

so jerry calls me,
tells me that, uh,
the brothers brothers...

are now acting as, uh,
negotiators for alan smithee and
they wanna sit down and talk.

i say, "that's fine,
that's fine, that's... look,
we're making progress."

james hangs up the phone and
starts to scream, "the fucking
brothers brothers?" he yells.

"the fucking brothers
brothers are into this?

smithee got
the baddest motherfuckers
in the world into this?"

he says, "i'm gonna have to meet
with these crazy schvartzes?

i'm gonna kill them."
james says.

"we're gonna have
a race war."

yeah. me and dion
s'posed to meet 'em
at the studio.

and that's right,
smithee's gonna lay back
at the crib with the film.

that was the deal.
that's right.

james and i felt
for the first time
there was hope.

we knew by reputation
that the brothers brothers
were decent, civilized...

human beings,
with a great love of film.

we felt certain
they'd work with us
to get the master back.

they were comin' to the studio.
that was crucial.

our security people,
the debecker people,
the lapd,

would follow them after they
left the building. we knew
they'd lead us to smithee.

james smoked a joint,
snorted two lines of coke,

got the gun from
the nightstand and tucked it
into the back of his belt.

i was asking him why he was
taking this gun to this meeting.

he said, "if i can't do it,
if the agents can't do it,

"if the lawyers can't do it,
then it's the gun.

how do you think
i've gotten so many credits?"

♪ let's get it on ♪

♪ let's get it on ♪
♪ let's get it on ♪

it's the meetin' time,
baby.
yo, i'm ready, yo.

right.
all right.

i feel fucking
sensational!

hey!
where the fuck is my film?
where is it?

man, who the fuck
you talkin' to?
you the director or somethin'?

i'm the producer.
so shut the fuck up
and sit down.

hey, uh, alan smithee, he the
director. you ain't shit.
mm-hmm.

♪♪ james got
a little overheated.

i believe in directness.
i'm not... i'm not
passive-aggressive.

i took it from there.
l told them what brilliant
filmmakers they were.

i told them how much
this studio has always wanted to
work with the brothers brothers.

i talked about the visceral
power of their movies.
yadda-di yadda-di yadda-da.

i talked to them
about how their movies...
go to your soul.

and i felt that
i was making progress.
i-i felt that...

we.
we. i felt that we
were making progress.

couple jive-ass
mo'fuckers talkin'
about movies.

hey, but they don't know
that we bullshit-proof.
hell, yeah.

i loved
do the right thing.
and malcolm... god!

better than david lean.

man, you talkin'
about spike.

spike!
stop cursin' at me, man.
i ain't no spike.

i'm sorry.
i'm very...
i-i'm very sorry.

okay, let's get down
to business.

what does
smithee want?

- final cut.
- yeah, well fuck him.

- and fuck you.
- fuck you! and fuck you,
and fuck you, and fuck you...

and fuck you, and
fuck you, and fuck you, and
fuck you, and fuck you...

gentlemen,
gentlemen, please!

who the fuck are you
callin' gentlemen?
look, we don't give final cut.

- now you know that.
- there's always a first time.

over my
dead fuckin' body!

all right, bitch,
that's cool then. die.

come here.
that was rude.
that was very rude.

i tried to explain
to them...

that only kubrick
and spielberg have
final cut. that's it.

many other directors
pretend to have it,

sometimes
certain studios say
they have it,

when they don't,
just to assuage
directorial egos.

they don't deserve to have it.
i deserve to have it.

you do have it.
you're fucking right i do.

yeah, and jerry glover goes,
"i tell you what, guys.

"i'll get you
a three-picture deal,
and final cut,

if you get us
the master back."

what a stupid fucking
thing to tell him.

it was an offer,
james. offer.

we were in
a situation.
hey, you never offer 'em that.

you never offer any director
that. the offer itself
goes right to their head.

they're the fuckin' enemy!
you know that, jerry.

no, they're not.
they're a part
of the workforce.

i've got two guys from
legal affairs drawing up
the contracts right now.

deal?

we can't do that, man.
dat ain't the deal.

we can't?
hell, no, we can't.

yeah, yeah, yeah.
fuck that!

hell, no.
fuck that shit.
i tell you what.

smithee goes back
to re-cut the film
his own way.

that's the master.
you guys get
to distribute it.

otherwise...
it burns.

goddamn it,
sit down!

deal?
deal?

i hope you guys never try to
work in this town with a budget
of more than $10 million.

deal.

oh...
james, come on,
damn it. sit down!

as we on our way
back to the 'hood,

jerry glover run out
into the hall,
and he say,

"i hope we can work
together sometime."

he don't care
what the budget is.
mm-hmm.
hell, yeah.

gentlemen, congratulations.
i am so happy
that this worked out.

you fellas are the shit, really.
challenge your films like
a motherfucker. am i right?

- mm.
- he says, "thanks for your contribution."

james edmonds, watchin' us down the hall.
that shit was spooky, man.

like he's pumpin' us
with bullets.

- big time diplomacy.
- anti-cossack motherfucker.

law and order.
law and fucking order.

yeah, so we drivin' back
to the family,

shit is pumped up
in the back, damn!

that's right, peter
piper, motherfucker!

over the hump,
know what i'm sayin'?
like we was bangin'.

- yeah, we won that!
- that's right!

as soon as they left the room,
i hit the walkie-talkie
and put everything into play.

we were rolling. helicopters,
uniforms, security, debecker.

yo-yo-yo, check it out,
we won!
we won, that's right.

wake that
motherfucker up.
wake that mo'fucker up!

yo, check this out.
we got 'im final cut.
we got 'im final cut.

y'all got 'im final cut?
we got 'im final cut.

we got final cut!
we got final cut!

play it, brother man.
apocalypse now, motherfucker?

- you ain't my brother.
- word up, bitch.

napalm, napalm,
drop a doom ball.

what got us into that shit,
man?
they found
patty hearst and shit.

we're making entry
into the loft. i repeat,
entry into the loft.

straight upstairs.

five-oh come up the steps.
they got they guns flashin' and shit.

they lookin' all around for him.
he play it cool.

they rushin' here, they rushin'
there. they look under this,
they look under that.

but still, we play it cool.
then suddenly,

a motherfuckin' african-american
police come up to us. you know,
big fuckin' brother.

- all right,
where the fuck is he?
- i am dion brothers, mo'fucker.

and i am leon brothers,
and you lookin'
at a rich motherfucker.

i got mad lawyers, so you
better back the fuck up,
you fuckin' beat-walkin' bitch.

i know who you are. i saw.
i saw you ain't no brother.

i saw word up, bitch.

yo, man, what you need to do
is kiss my black ass.

you kill cops in those movies.
those movies sucked.

kiss my
motherfuckin' ass!

oh, y'all some
bad motherfuckers?
man, straight up, man?

what you need to do is get
the fuck up out of my house,
get your big ass out.

hell, yeah, we gonna make the
rodney king incident look like...
look like disney did it.

- disney?
- yeah, disney, bitch.

ain't no brother
wasn't bad, okay?

but word up, bitch sucked.

y'all gettin' a little
slick. you think you're
big time now, but okay...

i'm outta here
right now, motherfuckers.

and you can kiss my ass!

let's go!
we're outta here.

get your broke ass
out there.

and by then,
he knew that smithee
wasn't there.

i jumped out
the bedroom window,
you see?

i had the film cans
in me hand,
and i had my stick,

and i ran down the back stairs
and out through the yard,

and i came out the bushes,
well, about a block away,

and i saw my range rover
parked there.

we'd had to park it further away
the night before 'cause
all the spaces were taken.

parkin' in south central's worse
than what it is in westwood.

we lost him.

lemme tell ya something
about the lapd...

ah, forget it. i've got some
good friends on the lapd.

♪♪ i was back on
the freeway again.

i know the 405
like i once knew
me own garden.

i miss my garden
very, very much.

thinkin' of
my garden...

made me think
about my life.

thinkin' about
my life...

made me think about
the la brea tar pits.

don't know why.

you'd have thought they'd have
staked out the tar pits.

we did stake out the tar pits
for the first 24 hours.

when there was no activity,
those shmucks...

in business affairs
didn't approve the overtime.

i drove down
to the tar pits.

parked in the lot.

i sat there.

i opened the cans,

and i sprinkled
the lighter fluid
i bought at ralphs.

i looked
at the film.

i could see
myself in it.

i struck the match...

i dropped it
into the film.

guess who?

he was worse than
the unabomber,

roberto alomar
and bob dole combined.

he was bogdanovich
and cimino.

he was cliff robertson
and mark fuhrman.

he was half cossack.

he was
damn near black.

- he was o.j.
- he was torn.

he even thought about
giving himself up.

by then, it was all over
the television.

believe me,
i had never thought...

of getting
involved in another
high-profile case again.

wh-wh-what did i do
when i heard
he burned the film?

i came down here
to the beach.

i sat down on this ro...
it was the best picture
i had ever produced.

it would have been one
of the biggest films
in... in movie history.

it's impossible
to express to you...

how i felt.
impossible.

i heard james talking
to jerry glover on the phone.

he said, "we can spin
this, jerry.

"it's better
than if it would
have been released.

"fuck the studio.
we can promote this...

into the biggest success
you and i will ever have."

smithee was grief-stricken
when i saw him.

nearly comatose.
he told me everything.

how he had been abused
on the set. manhandled.

how edmonds had threatened
to kill him.
bob! bob!

how the studio
had threatened
to ruin his career.

how his movie had been
completely re-cut after he,

being one of the greatest
editors in the world,
had cut it.

yo, bob!
i completely understood.

alan smithee was a man
who h... was willing to make
the ultimate decision:

yo, bob!
you know he did it!

he saved what he had not
been allowed to create.

he had to save himself
by killing it.
he was a hero.

you-you-you burned
your own film.

i-it was my child,
but it wasn't my child.

you have the right, the
right to kill a child, even
if it isn't your child?

♪♪ no.

- but you did.
- but you see, i didn't kill it.

you didn't.
what did you do?

i brought it back to life.

they killed it.
i ended its suffering.

i-i ended the suffering
of others who would have
had to watch it.

this was then a, uh,
humanitarian gesture?

please god it was.

i tried to sign him back
after the king show,

but, uh, he wouldn't
take my calls.

he was on the cover
of slime and newsleak,

he was abc's
person of the week...

you win some,
you lose some.
ah, what the hell.

i'm close to signing
stallone. we think
he's comin' back.

i had a great idea,
but tokyo overruled me.

so we didn't have
the movie. so what?

we had the trailer.
we had a 30-second trailer!

i was gonna open
the trailer in the theaters,
charge the usual ticket!

doesn't matter how long
it takes you to come,
it's how much you tingle.

tokyo.
it's conservative.

i worked out a deal
for him with the studio
and the d.a.'s office.

garcetti didn't want
to prosecute this one anyway.

hi.
there
were alan smithee fan clubs
forming across the country.

on every campus.
hi, bob.

how are you?
he agreed to put smithee
into a psychiatric...

clinic in england.
good evening, victor.

a psychiatric clinic?
a deal? no trial?

there wasn't gonna
be a trial?

shapiro, garcetti,
assholes.

first o.j.,
then this sequel.

oh, forget it.
just forget it.

i wanted a trial!

♪ love the seamy, seamy
seamier side of l.a. ♪
oh! never fails.

♪ it's very dreamy, dreamy ♪
when your back's
against the wall,

you do the unexpected.
i'm gonna put these big boys
right on their ass.

i'm gonna tell
the life story
of alan smithee.

call it
passion.

the trials and
tribulations of
taking on everybody to...

to make trio,
but it's gonna be
better than trio.

i'm gonna make
this guy the, uh,

mr. smith
goes to washington
of the nineties.

make this putz a hero.

but it's gonna work.
you know, i've come up
with worse ideas...

and i've copped
a few oscars from 'em.

but this was
gonna be a surprise.

hey, kid,
how are ya?
hi, daddy.

huh, you dig this guy,
don't ya?
mm.

oh, boy,
she's perfect.

this poor guy.
she's gonna clean
his clock,

or they won't know
what happened to him.
aren't you?

aren't ya?
come on!

when james came
to me and said...

he wanted to bid for
the rights to alan
smithee's life story,

i thought...
i don't even want to
tell you what i thought.

i do. the whole world
was talkin' about him.

alan smithee was a gold mine.
if there's one thing i have
learned in this business,

it's stay on your feet. i've
got my pride. i'm not gonna
get outbid by robert evans.

trio was foreplay.
smithee's life: intercourse.

♪♪ myrna come to me...

in here, and said
they wanted to buy
the rights to me.

i said, "who?"
she said, "robert evans."

she said,
"james... edmonds."

mr. smithee!
bloody lunatic!

alan collapsed.

we had to take him
to hospital.

and they said that
he'd suffered one of those
slight heart attacks.

oh, nothing serious.
just one of those
teeny ones.

you know, cut down
on cholesterol,
avoid stress.

eat oatmeal.
or don't eat oatmeal.

whichever it is.

paging dr. ovitz.
paging dr. ovitz.

we have to make
the decision
today, alan.

james edmonds
is making a hard offer:
$5 million.

robert evans
is offering
a soft three.

alan?

you gotta think about me
and the boys for once
in your life, alan.

- do you hear me?
- dr. ovitz, where are you?

no one will ever allow you
to direct again, alan.

no one. never.

you're finished, alan!

no more money!

yo, he call from the hospital,
man.
that's right, he want
us to direct his life.

yo, we down widdat shit, man!
go down.
that's right.
deal closed, baby.

smithee's wife called
to tie up the deal.
she was his agent now.

she said smithee
was insisting that...

the brothers brothers direct
the story of his life.

well, that's fine with me.
i've always wanted to work
with the brothers brothers.

uh... hey, dudes. you wanna
go hang out in south central?

yeah, i hear you.
but not this time, bud.
you know why?

'cause i called james edmonds.
right, and i called
jerry glover.

and we say, "we direct the movie
if we get final cut."

- i said, "no way."
- i said, "i've got final cut."

yo, i told 'em they could
kiss my black ass.

yeah, and i told 'em
they could kiss
my black ass too.

the brothers brothers?
i'd be happy...

to give them final cut
anytime they want.

i told jerry not
to worry about evans.
forget about him.

he should have
left me out of his book.
he hasn't got $3 million.

he hasn't got $1 million.
he's bluffing.

these west coast guys,
they got no moxie.

edmonds should
know better.

i don't bluff.
i never bluff.

i didn't have a choice.

i couldn't take the chance
that evans was bluffing.

tokyo wanted this...
james was gonna have
to give up final cut.

the brothers brothers
would have it.

anything!
anything he wanted
to direct, i would produce.

i believe in closure,
i be... i believe in healing.

and i'll tell you
something else.
i'd give him final cut.

cool!

if alan smithee wanted
to direct another film
himself sometime,

i would hire him
in a heartbeat.

he has demonstrated
his integrity,

and the possessory credit on the
movie, "an alan smithee film,"

would mean more now than
tom cruise or jim carrey.

alan smithee
has redeemed alan smithee.

i'd thought i call
our new movie duo,
actually, james.

no, no, i don't like solo.

no, no, duo
is much better.

no, i'm afraid
i don't like spago,
either.

that's all right, james.
i like suggestions.

can we help you
with your movie, alan?

we could be mates.

would you like to be
assistant directors?
absolutely!

god, yes!

oh, darling!

oh!

♪♪ i could play alan smithee.
because i understand oppression.

'cause i'm a black woman.
i's a black woman in hollywood!

i could play alan smithee
better than anybody!

don't play with me.
i know what i'm talkin' about.

cool!

yes.
he's an action hero.

he wins!
he's just like me.

i mean,
he killed everybody.

i kill everybody. so?
we are brothers.

i've always wanted
to play a brit, you know,
i wanted to play albert...

i hate this game.

i wanted to play
albert schweitzer, uh,

and you know,
i-i did jimmy hoffa once.

i'd consider whoopi, jackie,
and sly for this movie, but, uh,

i'll tell you what, if they
want to play alan smithee,

they're gonna have
to compromise on their fees.

as long as i don't
have to swallow.

yo!
blow.

i'll call my agent.

i don't need a star
for this movie.
alan smithee is the star.

- psh! i'd make it
with eric idle.
- co-ol.

♪ itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ climbed up the spout again ♪

♪ itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ climbed up the spout ♪

♪ again ♪♪

♪ hey, you ♪

♪ on the friendly bayou ♪

♪ where wildlife runs free ♪

♪ you might say
that i'm country ♪

it's great!
great!

♪ well let me tell you
what i see ♪
uh.
cut!

- cut!
- cut, print.

♪ your world is plastic ♪

♪ can you see through
to the other side ♪

♪ your cities are made of wood ♪

why would you want
me to direct it?

arthur, you're
the former president of
the director's guild,
yeah.

and this movie
sticks up for directors.
it really does.

the last thing
any director needs
is you,

of all people,
to stick up for us.

- he ankled this gig.
- make it even stronger.

he ankled this gig.
he ankled this gig.

♪ my patience growin' thin ♪

♪ with this synthetic world
we're livin' in ♪

orenthal james simpson
did not fire me.
i quit.

i had... reasons.

cut.
i stunk.

i also knew that
i'd be very rich.

well...

you were a little too slow.
yeah, okay.

little chipper, chipper.
okay, here we go, here we go.
we're gonna be okay. chipper.

i won't ask you.
okay.
still rolling.

i focus on james edmonds.
i focus hard enough,
they might let me play him.

you know what i mean?
think i'd make a hell of
an edmonds, don't you?

♪ my patience growin' thin ♪

♪ with this synthetic world ♪

♪ we're livin' in ♪

i don't think you are quite
ready for that, my love.

oh, no, you'll do
yourself an injury.

♪ every day
now i find i'm out of place ♪

♪ if i only have one face ♪

♪ all my friends
have more than two ♪

♪ no longer must you be you ♪

♪ if they found out
how to transplant ♪

and i respected him
for respecting that.

just once more, and don't-don't
run the last line so tight in.

- okay.
- stand by... and action!

♪ the word imitation
is way across the nation ♪

♪ what's real
has become a freak ♪

♪ someone tryin'
to make me weep ♪

♪ strange initials
that keep me blind ♪
excuse me.

♪ psychedelic music
that blow my mind ♪

♪ so you see ♪

♪ my patience growin' thin ♪

♪ with this synthetic world ♪

♪ we're livin' in ♪
yes. we are brothers.

here we go.
we are concentrating.
wait, wait.

yes. he's
an action hero.
i'm sorry.

how are the shirts
selling, those shirts...
the ones that i painted?

- they all right?
- going well.

really? all right,
'cause i'm waiting
for the posters.

especially i want
the baby size.

♪ only have one face
all my friends ♪

♪ have more than two
no longer must you be you ♪

♪ if they found out
how to transplant ♪

♪ maybe haves
would replace can'ts ♪

♪ so you see ♪

he'd focus on the sex.

get off me!

cut. print.
did i do it...
did i do it too hard?

no, it's fine.

you know, there's a movie here.
but you gotta do it classy.

jane fuckin' austen,
david fuckin' lean...
disney!

oh, the public always
thinks it has something
to do with sex anyway.

let 'em eat
their popcorn.

♪ what's real
has become a freak ♪

♪ someone
tryin' to make me weep ♪

♪ strange initials
that keep me blind ♪

♪ psychedelic music
that blows my mind ♪

♪ so you see ♪

we had taa just shitting
in their boots. i can't
tell ya how good that felt,

after all these years:
taa doing the boot-shitting.

logic is what makes
a good thriller.
depalma taught me that.

he knows. did you see
mission impossible?
great logic!

♪ we're livin' in ♪

♪ pretty clearly now
and it's clearly spring ♪

♪ makin' people die every day ♪

♪ now i find i'm out of place ♪

smithee goes back
to the... lab...

go again.

and y'all go
and distribute it.

oh, fuck.

- otherwise...
- it burns.

okay, that's it. that's it.

cut.

comedy is my life.
that's why i'm
fucking starving!

action!
are you talking to her?

okay, here we go.
all right, stand by...

stand by, ray.
ow! okay.

they can kiss our black ass!
and you can...

♪ so you see ♪

♪ my patience growin' thin ♪

♪ with this synthetic world
synthetic world ♪

♪ synthetic world
synthetic world ♪

♪ synthetic world ♪

♪ synthetic world
synthetic world we live in ♪♪