All language subtitles for 1 1 Saturday.Night.Live.UK.S01E03.Riz.Ahmed.480p

Good evening.

Happy Easter.

And in the strongest possible terms,
hello.

Now, I know some of you were
disappointed by my speech on Wednesday,

others of you did not watch it.

For those who missed it, here's a
summary.

You didn't miss much.

And honestly, I'm kicking myself.

I let you down.

But everyone deserves a second chance.

Peter Mandelson's had four or five.

With many more to come.

So allow me to try again.

The conflict in the Middle East has
entered its second month.

But I can assure you we are working at
pace towards a de -escalation. And the

pace we are working at is...

leisurely.

I know that due to this war, Britons are
already struggling, not only in

England, but also in the top bit, and
the side bits as well.

Life is getting harder, and furthermore,
goodbye.

Wait.

I'm told there's a second page to my
speech.

Oh, that's right. The inspiring part.

Look, I know I'm not inspiring.

When I applied to join the Samaritans, I
brought the vibe down so much that the

interviewer called the Samaritans.

So I've asked some Britons that people
actually like.

to help me put a pep in your step.

First up, England legend, Harry Kane.

Yeah,

cheers. Nice one, Gaffer.

Harry, why don't you give the nation one
of your rousing team talks?

Yeah, obviously.

The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing
war away.

Always said that.

Yeah, you know, at the end of the day,
you know, Iran, they're sold in attack.

You know, sold in defence.

Yeah, could have said pieces too. So,
yeah, just got to take it one more at a

time. And, yeah, yeah, it's going to be
nice.

Thank you, Harry.

written with a smile that could light up
a room, which could be useful when the

power runs out.

Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.

Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy,
isn't it?

Flirting with Iran and playing with oil.

Next thing you know, there's an energy
shortage or the power's off and we're

snogging in the dark.

Aren't I naughty?

Thanks, Olivia.

Love the enthusiasm.

Our final speaker combines two of my
greatest interests.

Outstanding British television and pork.

It's Peppa Pig.

Cheer us up, Peppa.

Thank you, Daddy Care.

different from how you seem on the
telly.

And you're very similar.

Well, there you have it. Big thanks to
Britain's Big Three, Hurricane MBE,

Olivia Colbert, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P -I
-G -P.

Oh, no. Here come the power cuts.

Friend for yourselves, everyone.

Olivia Colbert's trying to kiss me. And
live!

I'm Riz Ahmed and it is an absolute
honour to be hosting SNL UK!

Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a
producer and I'm a rapper.

So for those of you who don't know who I
am, clearly neither do I.

I'm working it out.

Mostly I'm an actor, you know, and
contrary to popular belief, I don't...

play intense roles okay i also do some
like family feel good stuff like for

example do you guys uh you guys know the
sound of music i did a film just like

that called sound of metal it's almost
exactly the same it's about a musician

who's slowly going deaf and he's a
heroin addict who lives in a van just

sound of music and it feel good because
you're not him

But seriously, I've done some comedies
as well.

Some of you might have seen a film I did
called Four Lions.

That's what I'm saying. It's a feel
-good movie about characters you can

root for.

Christmas movie.

But I actually have just created and
released my own comedy.

It's called Bait.

It's just come out.

Thank you, thank you, man.

Yeah, it's about an out -of -work actor
auditioning to be James Bond.

And the character is going through an
identity crisis. And if you're wondering

why I made a comedy about someone having
an identity crisis, look at me, man.

I'm confused.

It's not my fault. I grew up in Wembley,
but I went to Oxford University, and

that's why I sound like this.

Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi
Sunak.

We've actually all got a track together
on my next album.

It's called Oi Rude Boy, Shut Up, This
Is A Quiet Carriage.

It's a bang.

But, you know, I actually feel that even
this show is having an identity crisis

in a way. You know, we're three episodes
in and your hosts have been American,

Irish and me.

Don't worry, next week, you know, we're
going to have one of the nation's most

prominent Asian comedians, Jack
Whitehall.

You see how much he goes on holiday with
his parents, man. That's so Asian.

That's so Asian.

Don't worry, Jack. Your secret is safe
with me. As -salamu alaykum, brother.

But sometimes I feel like the whole
nation is having this identity crisis

that's why we're so divided, right?
We're divided over politics, over the

climate, over the Beckhams.

But I think that I know how to solve it.

I think I can solve Britain's identity
crisis. I think there's one thing that

unites us all.

In essence, what makes us British is we
like it when things are a little bit

crap.

Not totally crap, but just a little bit
crap, you know? We like that. We like

it. We like giving... Thank you, yes.

We like giving crap compliments, you
know?

Someone says, he's a bit of a character.
That means you're a knob, you know? And

we like sports that are a bit crap.

Cricket. can go on for five days and
still be a draw.

And we like giving gifts that are a bit
crap.

You know, like original sauce, mint and
tea tree shower gel.

My balls feel like they're in Siberia.

Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.

We celebrate when things are a bit crap.

We literally cheer when someone drops
their pint glass in the pub.

That's the best of Britain.

we've got a great show for you today.

Really great show. Actually, no, we
genuinely have a fantastic show. It's

un -British of us. We've got Kasabian
here.

It's going to be a banger. Stick around
and watch this.

A lot of people in TV and movies always
have their phones on loud.

I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her
phone on loud.

People come in every situation, and no
one ever has their own vibration.

A lot of people in TV and movies always
have their phones on loud.

Big school, basically a phone -free
place. Sharing a clip of a girl on her

Big, big kids, you're looking round for
flex.

How come she's the only one who didn't
get the text? A man walks into a

corporate space after committing a hated
sex crime. He's really dumb. Very bad

thing. He's getting cabled and the
phones go dang.

Calling all the texts on at once. All
the phones are going off at once.

Calling him a slut and he's a dirty dog.

Every single phone's going crazy strong.

A lot of people in TV and movies always
have their phones on loud.

I still understand the scene without the
very loud text you found.

Every text is expositional.

Hey, Dad, can you pick me up? Now the
mom's dead.

All these texts are expositional.

Let me just search that up on the
Glinkle app.

Hmm.

Why does FaceTime never look right?

What does your house have to do with
your life?

And how the hell is that the first best
message that you've ever sent to your

wife?

Well,

while we're here... A lot of cops in TV
and movies only have co -workers at

their personal events.

It's your 58th birthday, you're telling
me none of your family went?

It's only other cops at your house.
Clearly no one wants to come to your

It's just colleagues on your wedding
day. And you've also got a colleague for

spouse. One, two, yee -haw! Why is
everything in TV and movies not how it

real life?

iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.

Why'd you put it in rice?

And people answer the phone while
they're having sex.

The phone is car blue, so you'll always
connect.

CEOs leave email notifications, and the
phone contacts include relations.

The calls are always so fast -paced.
iPhones have an Android interface.

Yeah, because I've never seen a phone
before.

Make a confidential call at the Apple
Store.

But mostly it's the way TV and films all
sound.

With all the phones all off. All phones
off. All phones off.

So sort it out.

Wait, Mom, slow down.

Jason, my brother, your son, has been
arrested?

Don't panic. I'll order a goober there.

In today's challenge, our contestants
added a whopping £4 ,250 to the

prize fund.

But now it's time for the faithful to
return to the round table. Can they

uncover who amongst them is a great big
crab man?

I'd like to start. This experience has
been amazing.

But at the end of the day, we need to
find the great big crab man.

But there's someone here I just don't
trust.

And that person is... It's yourself,
Imran.

Great, we're doing this again. I know I
was wrong about Kaya, Mehul, and Issa.

I just can't see.

Well, I'm obviously not a great big crab
man.

But to be fair, that is exactly what a
great big crab man would say.

Okay.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and
say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've only got two 100
% not a great big crab man.

And it's myself, I'm Sebastian.

Look at him, Roy. He's a flipping crab.

See, getting defensive like that, it
only makes you look more like a great

crab man.

Okay, okay. What about today's
challenge?

30 seconds.

So why was the acting so weird at
breakfast?

Because he's tired. He can only sleep in
a bucket of fresh water for medical

reasons.

Can I just say, I'm actually feeling
really uncomfortable by the energy in

room tonight.

To be fair to Imran, to be fair to
Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is

seaweed and invertebrates. And for me,
that's suspicious.

The time for talk is over.

Now, it's time to vote.

Good luck, everyone.

I'm sorry.

It is what it is.

Sorry, girl.

Imran, I'm so sorry.

Love you, man.

Imran, you have received the most votes.

Would you like to join me, please?

Listen, yeah, I've had an amazing time.
It's been an incredible journey and I've

made friends for life. But there's
something weighing on my heart and I've

to come out and say it.

I'm obviously not a great big crab man,
you idiot!

What the hell are

you playing at?

You've just voted off.

Another not a great big crab man.

And the real great big crab man is still
out there.

Laughing at you.

Okay. Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

There's someone who is slipping under
the radar.

And at tomorrow's round table, the
person A will be looking at... Hey, hey,

I'll pack my bags.

Operation isn't that a game for like six
-year -old? Okay. Why don't you give it

a go then?

Okay, I will It's simple you just

Hey, babe come to bed.

Yeah, yeah woman Kids get in the car.
Mommy will

be there in a sec.

Are you coming or not?

Are you coming?

We're cutting the cake.

It's just a game.

It's not just a game.

It literally is. It says it on the box.

It sticks fast.

I can't take it anymore.

We're leaving.

I lifted it clean.

So I'm there, just fully committed,
waving at them, grinning like an idiot,

he walked straight past me.

Oh, no. I just felt like such a plum.

I've missed this.

I've missed you.

So have I.

Help! Help!

Is there a doctor in the house? One of
our diners has collapsed. Are you

serious?

No,

wait.

I've got this.

Yes. Honey, are you sure about this?

Everybody stand back.

Give me those.

You have to believe me. They were
supposed to be pieces. And then the bus

applied. The bread bus. Whatever, sir.
You're coming with me.

Olivia.

Olivia, tell them.

Olivia!

This

is

OG FM coming at you.

Old classics for old heads.

It's all 90s music all the time.

And we mean all the time. When we want
to talk, we just turn it down very

slightly.

On the deck, you've got MC Twister, DJ
Tiller, and me, Lady Magnum, Pink

Lemonade. And yes, all our names are
types of ice cream.

Coincidence.

If you remember these tunes from back in
the day, then you are...

Shout out to my middle -aged brothers
and sisters.

Coming at you.

All right, all right. So tonight we've
got some real talk for all you over

Prostate cancer.

Real serious, but people don't talk
about it because it's the butt one.

Using our platform for good.

All right. We've got a mad guest in the
studio here to educate us. It's Dr

Rishi. Come on, big up Dr Rishi looking
sharp.

I appreciate that. Um, yeah.

So, yeah, I mean, thanks for having me.

Um, uh... All right, Doc, Dr.

Noligenos! Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, yeah. Well, prostate cancer is a
condition that actually affects one in

eight men. Shout out to Michelle in SW5!
Don't harm her, okay?

What do you think, Dr. Rich?

Right. Yeah, um, yep, so the prostate,
um, it's small gland, it's just behind

the, um... Shout out to Jane, the
divorce is final!

She's back on the pill!

P -p -p -p -p -p -pill!

Take your weight off!

Take your weight!

Um, okay, yeah, okay, suppose, um, well,
you know, diet is very important. Hey,

oh, don't forget, Monday's a bank
holiday!

For the week!

For the week!

What?! Diet is something... Tony, it's
just...

something even south and west
statistically around 55 000 new cases

okay i'm just trying to say before there
was a diet is a good way to minimize

your risk reducing red meat is sensible
you should think about swapping it out

with an oily fish perhaps a salmon or
mackerel hey yo pick up the no feed come

on um can we stop please i'm sorry can
we just stop what's up big man

Is there any way you could just stop the
music just for like a minute?

Sorry, Doc, this is OGFM, all 90s music,
all the time. Literally, all the time.

Yes, my sister, if you've got something
important to say, you've got to ride the

beat.

What do you mean, ride the beat?

Medical freestyle, off the dome.

Seriously? Yeah, spit some wisdom, Dr.
Rishi.

Yeah, tell the people what they've got
to know.

Hypocratic oath.

Okay, okay, fine, fine. Yeah, okay.

Prostate, prostate, check it before it's
too late.

Early detection is vital for your
survival.

All right, turn my headphones up.

Up a bit more, yeah.

Don't hide away, get your PSA. The blood
test is dead, so don't delay. No

joking, stop smoking.

I'm thinking, less drinking.

Check your BMI. If the number's high,
then we'll make a plan. Get your number

right. If you're over 50, got a family
history and your flow is weak, then see

your G's, see all my G's in the back.
Who are black? Your risk is higher,

a fact.

Don't be brave, don't act like a
trooper. If you've got P's, don't wait

future. Just call trooper, I'll pin it
over. Please write me, happy birthday to

ya. And if there's blood in your P, call
111.

Dr. Ritchie, Dr.

Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr.
Ritchie, Dr.

Ritchie.

As she goes, me again alone, I can't
stop the

voices.

Now it's you and me, and I have lost the
words.

I just keep on calling.

What?

years ago.

It's not a great thing to do.

We don't stop until you give us a
chance.

It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano
and Paddy Young.

Good evening and welcome to Weekend
Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya

Magliano.

The war between Iran and the US has
entered its second month.

Second month?

We're starting to get serious.

This week, a US airstrike destroyed
Iran's largest bridge.

Responding to criticism for targeting
civilian infrastructure, a senior US

military official said, Oh my God, we're
so sorry. We thought it was a school.

President Trump has criticised the UK's
Navy for being, quote, too old.

Too old. Old for Donald Trump? What is
it?

18?

Responding to Trump's claims that our
Navy was old and outdated, one admiral

said, I'm going to go there and give
them a piece of my mind just as soon as

wind picks up.

It's true.

The UK only has one submarine and half
the crew are dead.

Now, new data published by the NHS shows
that in the last five years...

Referrals for body dysmorphia treatment
have quadrupled.

Well, they think they've quadrupled.
They actually look fine.

It's been revealed that meta
-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building

under his compound in California.

And I hope he uses that bunker in
exactly the same way Hitler did.

In the last two weeks, online phenomenon
Fruit Love Island has taken the

internet by storm.

It's just like normal Love Island, but
the twist? The contestants are AI

-generated fruit.

Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that
millions... of people are tuning into

every day.

Here to comment on this viral sensation
is random, former, real Love Island

contestant, Chloe Bibby Rinkle.

No!

No! No! It is so muggy! AI has nicked my
job!

It's taken me, a human, professional
lady, years to perfect the art of

cock under a bed sheet.

Now, now people want to see a raspberry
do it instead.

What is that you're doing with your
hands?

Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs
to quell the flow of my tears.

It's giving Kleenex.

Which series were you in? Oh, yeah, I
was in series 12 and three quarters, The

Villa in Djibouti.

And what's it actually like to be on the
show? Oh, my God, it's amazing.

So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in
a nice way.

Then imagine there's a pool, but none of
us like to swim.

Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.

Then imagine getting a text. It was like
that.

And did you find love in the villa? Oh,
yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Z. But

get this, week after we left, I found
out he was in fact a mirage due to my

stroke.

Sorry, but why is it so much grafting
when you're a mirage?

I'm sworn off mirages now. Big dicks,
though.

Maybe it's for the best that you've been
replaced with AI fruit. Like, with love

and light, you don't seem well. Yeah,
I'm moving spooky.

I'm moving spooky.

Cos, like, Anya, of course I would love
to be a cherry with a fanny.

Of course I would.

But I have to accept that I'm a human
woman with a brain. Like it or lump it.

British public wants to see a peach
cracking onto a tomato, then so be it. A

tomato isn't a fruit, by the way. It is
a fruit!

It's Easter!

That's right, the time of year where we
celebrate the only murdered Palestinian

we're allowed to talk about.

Test crisis continues.

Keir Starmer, seen here describing his
favourite shape of bock, has been

unable to convince doctors to call off
their upcoming six -day strike.

So, a gentle reminder that with no
doctors on call, what goes up your butt

stay up your butt for the best part of a
week.

And it will be the best part.

According to a police report, at the
scene of his car crash in Florida last

week, Tiger Woods had two opioid pills
in his pocket.

Woods claimed he was only keeping them
in his pocket because he'd run out of

room in his bloodstream.

The Artemis II mission has seen four
NASA astronauts set off for the far side

the moon.

And if you're wondering why they're so
obsessed with the back of the moon,

that's where the bum is.

Inspired by the success of Artemis II,
Britain's space agency is flying its own

rocket to the moon, and it will, just as
soon as the wind picks up.

In lighter news this week, an adorable
little dormouse was found dozing in an

old helium balloon caught in a tree in
Essex.

Here to tell us about his big adventure
is an adorable little dormouse.

Hi, guys.

I'm adorable to be here.

Oh, you're so cute. It is so wonderful
to have you here, an adorable little

doormouse.

Cool. Look at all these big, scary
cameras.

Oh, it's okay. Don't be intimidated.

Okay, camera three, where you at? Camera
three, where you at?

Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?

Hey,

Vogue, I'm an adorable little doormouse,
and this is what's in my bag.

Okay, so up first, you just know it's a
little buttercup that I sometimes wear

as a hat.

Next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without
my ethop hyaluronic face misdefense

barrier.

Shout out to ethop.

And up next, this one's kind of a little
bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's

hot sauce.

Sorry, are you just making content?

I'm an influencer, Anya. My adorable
story is blowing up and it's my time to

shine. I'm only going to live for four
years, Anya, and I'll spend three of

those years hibernating.

I've got to grab my moment.

And that's why, over the course of this
answer, I've already moved on from being

an influencer to being a red carpet
reporter.

Anya! Anya! Hey, girl. We're here with
Vershka Jeans. What are you wearing,

girl? Tell me what you're wearing.

Don't tell me. It's the Boys With
Character collection from Georgia Asda.

You look amazing, Anya, girl. You
hungry, girl?

In my Subway take, I think that... I
think that raspberries are nice.

I knew it was energy. I knew it was
energy.

Oh, wow.

He's so cute. You really are moving
through the life cycle of fame at an

unbelievable rate.

Welcome back to Of Dormice and Man,
where I'm cooking with my guest, Anya

Magliano, about me being adorable.

Oh, you've got a podcast now.

Being adorable was always my superpower,
you know.

Suddenly, I realized that people wanted
me to be adorable all the time, and I

could never be off. Sorry.

Sorry.

But now, my listeners can get help to
switch off thanks to our sponsor,

Dignitas.

Dignitas? Is that bad? Sorry, please
don't cancel me.

We can never cancel you, adorable little
door mouth.

Well, wait and see. I have invested my
money in some weird things.

met police officers have been taken off
duty after a bag of guns was

accidentally left on the street in
London.

I feel sorry for the police. Sometimes
you're so busy killing women that you

forget where you left your bloody
machine gun. What am I like?

The government is passing new laws to
make it easier to cancel online

subscriptions and unwanted auto
renewals. Good news for me.

Bad news for Dr. Chove's penis pump
emporium.

Platinum Club is about to lose a member.

A rainbow boa constrictor has
miraculously given birth without

the second time.

Does anyone else find it kind of weird
that God keeps bonking this steak?

A peacock named Pete, who has recently
taken up residence in Surrey, has

reportedly learned to knock on doors
with his beak.

Sadly, he's doing so to alert the
neighborhood that he's a registered sex

offender.

According to a new report from the
Department of Education, children under

should have no more than one hour of
screen time per day to help improve

physical health and family
relationships.

To discuss the impact this might have on
parenting, here's a father and son who

still do skin on skin.

Thank you for having us.

No problem.

Now, let's talk about screen time.

It's a scourge. It breaks my heart to
get up that carvery and see all

families glued to their phones.

Nobody looking at the pork.

Why can't everyone just be normal?

Yeah. My boys never looked at the
screen.

He's thriving.

Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong
bond.

Is that because you're screen free?

Yeah, I don't need an iPad.

I can just pad this chest and feel the
happy hormones start g -g -g -gushing.

Why are you still doing this?

Well, the midwife recommended it for as
long as you can.

It was great when I was a baby, but it's
better now I'm 32.

It's nice to know when things are
stressful at work, but I can get home

right on to Dad.

So, how does it reduce stress?

Many, many ways.

It regulates the heart rate, slows the
breathing, helps with the breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding? Men have got the glums as
well.

It just takes discipline, Paddy. Nobody
has discipline these days.

That's the best bit New

newborn baby smell

Well, it's that but older This is
unconventional, but

I have to tell you guys seem really
happy

Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a
cousin on here.

Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad. Don't be
a stranger.

Thank you. Father and son who still do
skin on skin. Let me get in here.

We are gathered here because the Royal
Society of Literature issued a challenge

to conceive a work of gothic horror that
taps into mankind's deepest, most

universal fear.

Tonight, three authors present their
work.

Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn,
and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.

Miss Faust?

You have the floor.

Tonight I present the story of an
immortal count who feeds upon the blood

living. I call it... Nosferatu.

Quite horrifying.

Mr. Blackthorn.

In my hands, the tale of a man cursed by
the moon with an insatiable

bloodlust. I give you... The Wolfman.

And finally, Sir Humphrey.

Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of
unspeakable terror.

I give you... The Bastard Seagull.

Okay. Okay, question.

Um, sorry, I'm confused.

Is this like an evil seagull? It won't
bloody leave!

Bastard!

Okay, not exactly a universal fear, but
a valiant effort. Perhaps now let's hear

a passage from Miss House.

Greetings, gentlemen.

It was dawn.

At fragile hour, when night still clings
to the edges of the world.

to find the seagull very close, but a
pube's length from his face.

He screamed, But the bastard didn't give

one single toss.

Okay, let's move on. Mr. Blackthorn.

Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in
this man's bedroom?

It keeps coming in the window.

and he just shut it. It's stuck.

It's like one of those old satchel
windows and it's totally jammed.

Sorry, is the whole book about a man who
has a seagull in his bedroom?

Not all of it. Some of it's about trying
to get in touch with your landlord.

Sir Humphrey, may I remind you this is
meant to be a work of gothic horror.

It's clearly a household maintenance
issue.

Yes, Mr. Blackthorn. Thank you.

Why can't he just fix the window?

He's tried.

Every time he gets anywhere near it,
they all go mental.

Wait, there's more than one seagull?
Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard

friends.

Honestly, it feels more like their place
than his at this point.

Don't shake!

Please, can we move on to one of the
other books? Yes, you, sir.

Has the seagull guy thought about
introducing a bird of prey to scare them

Yeah, well, he got an owl.

And it's only made it worse.

Because, look, the seagulls didn't
leave.

And now the owl thinks he's its baby.

And it keeps vomiting his old field mice
down his throat. Well, yeah, yeah, and

I tell you about it.

And the whole room stinks.

And now there's a badger.

Stop, sir.

Stop!

Stop!

You are asked to capture mankind's
deepest fears, but this, I think, is

something that's happened specifically
to you because you can't close your

windows. How dare you, sir!

The bastard seagull is a work of
universal terror!

There is nothing scary about a seagull,
sir!

Release the pressure.

Release the pressure.

Release the pressure.

It's a time for life to pull you away.

We were so far from home, locked down
around that home. No one to save our

about to lose control.

We were so far from home, locked down
around that home. No one to save our

about to lose control.

That's what it's all about.

Basically, I keep having nightmares that
I'm going to leave my baby on the bus,

which is weird because I never take the
bus.

Sasha, darling, you could leave your
baby anywhere.

Hi. Hi. Sorry we're late. Sorry. Hi.

You must be Nick. Well, welcome.

Oh, thank you. Look, before you meet my
partner, I just wanted to give you a

heads up.

Big weekend coming up. A lot of big
feelings.

Oh!

Oh!

No one look at me. I'm a house.

Oh, my God. That's the Easter Bunny.

Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick,
give me a hand. Okay, give me a hand.

Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Don't drop
me. Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, Pascal.

Can I just say, it's so nice to see
another gay couple here.

Yeah, seriously, so nice. We meet a
couple like you, and it's like, yes,

are the exact same thing as us.

That exact same thing. So, Nick and
Pascal, how are you feeling?

Oh, gosh. I mean, all the normal stuff,
I think, right?

Nervous, excited.

Yeah, yeah. Really stressed about
pushing all 82 million of them out.

But, hey, what are people supposed to
do?

Not have Easter eggs.

Oh, my God. You give birth to Easter
eggs?

No, he does.

Gosh, sorry, I suddenly feel a bit sick.

I think Easter eggs were all made in
factories.

Then I suggest you educate yourself on
queer history, my love.

Somehow I don't think it's a queer
thing.

Well, what is it then?

I don't know anything about gay culture,
so this is a real education for me.

No, please don't learn anything from
this.

Well, I think it's a very generous thing
you're doing, carrying... all those

eggs and giving them away to people.

Oh, thanks, doll. I mean, my body's
shot.

My nipples are so long you could braid
them.

Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's
wedding. You know, braid my nipples.

You must be so proud watching the whole
nation eat them. What?

Do you think?

People raise the eggs as their children.
Can we please not pull the curtain back

on this? Thank you.

My ears are famously huge, Nick. You're
not even covering up the holes.

Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out.
No, no, no, no. Is it true what he

said, the foreign one?

I'm Scottish.

Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate.

Nick, you're scaring me.

Chocolate is food, Pascal. I can't
shield you from this anymore.

They eat the eggs because chocolate is
food.

But hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of
people very happy.

They do?

Yes, children and adults who are too
close to their parents and people

who win crap raffles in May.

It gives so many people so much joy.

I love you.

I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us
and I'm proud of you and proud of us.

Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs
come out of?

How dare you?

This rabbit has been giving birth every
year since 1873.

Crack house pit bulls lead better lives.

You know what? You know what? I am wrung
out like a flannel.

And you've done nothing but belittle me,
him, and our community since we've

arrived. Boys, as an ally, I am
mortified.

Do you know what? Save your apologies.
He's due any minute in the birthing

process. It's literally one of the
scariest things you can possibly

So we're leaving.

Help me up, Nick. Help me up. Give me
your weight, baby. Don't drop me. Don't

drop me. Surrender to me. Okay, okay.
Get the bag. Get the bag.

Get the car ready.

It's outrageous.

I don't know why we even bother.

And they come out the back.