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Halt!

Halt!

You can't go in here.

I have to see the mayor!

He's in a council meeting.

He can't be disturbed.

I demand that you let me through.

I've ridden all night, 80 miles.

That's orders.

Get out of my way!

You heard what the man said.

Now stop!

Out of my way!

I said stop!

I said stop!

I must see the mayor.

But the mayor's attending the council meeting.

Let go of me!

You'll be sorry if you don't the mayor.

So am I. So's the whole council.

Where's the council room?

I won't talk.

Cousin Biro!

Cousin Biro!

Don't make so much noise.

They're in a meeting.

Keep quiet.

What is this commotion?

Cousin Gregor.

Cousin Biro.

This is my cousin, the mayor of .

I'm sorry, Uncle.

This man, he tried to--

Cousin Biro, terrible things have happened.

Come in here.

Cousin Gregor.

What happened?

I've been riding all night.

It's a disaster.

I'm ruined.

Come and sit down.

Fetch brandy and water.

No water.

Now what is it?

What is it?

Come on man, speak up.

Let's have it.

Like a clap of thunder, he appeared among us.

The postmaster was hanged.

The chief of police was let off with 200 lashes.

I-- I was sentenced to the firing squad,

and luckily, my own firm made the rifles.

They blew up.

I escaped.

I need a fresh horse.

I must be off at once.

A fresh horse for our cousin.

Sit down, sit down.

But I must go.

Even now, he may be here in your midst.

Who?

Speak up, man.

Who?

The Inspector General.

Yes.

He has full power from the emperor himself,

and wherever he finds bribery and corruption,

there the gallows and the firing squad go to work.

More.

What does he look like, this Inspector General?

Who knows?

A man of mystery.

Five days he was in our midst, and no one even suspected him.

He went everywhere, saw everything,

and uncovered such corruption that even I was shocked.

, don't get excited.

Don't get excited?

How I envy you to sit here in your clean town

and fear no one.

The horse is ready, Uncle Biro.

I must be off.

Poor Gregor.

Where will you go?

Away, far away, anywhere-- Africa, China.

Good my cousin Biro.

Farewell, Uncle.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, cousin.

Do you need any money?

You're very kind, Cousin Biro.

I have a few crowns.

Thank you.

Farewell.

I, um-- I would like to take this opportunity to tender

my resignation, effective--

Sit down!

What would you do?

Go back to rolling pills in that stink hole of a chemist's shop,

you-- you poisoner?

Well, I promised my wife that I--

I have an appointment.

I have to talk to my sister about something.

Stay where you are!

Nothing is to be gained by rushing around blindly.

We must proceed according to a system.

You, Lazlo, clean up the square.

See that all the public buildings are spotless.

Put patients in all the hospital beds.

Yes, Uncle Biro.

You, Telecki, get the children back into school.

Start teaching them something.

Anything.

Yes, brother-in-law.

You two, deliver the mail, all of it, whether you've read it

or not.

I-- I never read any of it.

Yes you did.

Don't you remember?

Quiet!

Goodbye, Uncle .

Kovatch!

Come back here.

I want all roads policed day and night.

I want a report of everyone who's

entered this town in the past 24 hours.

.

Check the tavern.

Investigate all strangers.

Well, I--

And bring your reports to me personally.

You understand?

Yes, but first, I would like to go to my--

First you obey orders.

Now get out of here.

Thank you, cousin.

Put a double guard at the city gates

and toll all roads to Brodny at once.

Uncle, what happened?

At once!

Come with me!

?

Shut up!

I said come with me!

Anything wrong?

Be quiet!

Be quiet, you!

I shall investigate here.

You men go on to the next town.

Countrymen approach!

Step up, step up!

Come close to me for the greatest experience

of your life!

You will tell your children and grandchildren about it.

And first, you will be entertained by the greatest

musician in the country direct from the court of the emperor.

Yakov's Elixir, the best that can be had.

Hey.

Yakov's Elixir is good for what is bad.

Hey.

Try this elixir.

It's good to quench your thirst.

Hey.

Try this elixir.

It's best for what is worst.

Hey.

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle,

gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle--

And now, good people, step close to my rostrum,

that you may see all with your own eyes.

I, Yakov Guri, physician to princes and crowned heads,

have come among you to exhibit, absolutely free of charge,

a wonder of the world unparalleled

since the dawn of time.

Are you ready, my friends?

The Egyptian marvel, the treasure of the Pharaohs,

behold!

Step right up, people.

Examine.

Observe.

You there!

Who are you?

Let me see your peddler's card.

Here, Captain.

Yakov Guri, an honest, professional man

from .

I have testimonies from the emperor himself.

I will--

Never mind.

What about your friend there?

Who, he?

Captain, don't ride away.

Come back, come back!

This exhibit welcomes any investigation.

Look, my friends.

It lives.

It breathes.

It laughs.

It cries.

It thinks.

Watch its left ear.

How much is two and two?

Correct!

This is not just an old head.

This is Prince Ahmed of ancient Egypt,

beheaded by the cruel pharaoh because

of his forbidden love for the crown princess.

And now, my friends, you ask yourself,

how did this miracle survive for over 2,000 years?

An excellent question.

Only this, Yakov's Golden Elixir.

Look how his eyes plead with me to give him

a dose of my elixir.

He fairly yearns for its rich, smooth goodness.

Here.

Here, friend.

I'm a simple man, my friends.

I do not make extravagant claims for my medicine.

If a person is already dead, for instance,

there is only a slim chance that my medicine

will do him any good.

But if only a spark of life remains,

Yakov's Golden Elixir will fan it

into a roaring fire of health.

How can Yakov cheat those poor people like that?

Why, what's the matter?

Well, this is the furniture polish he sold yesterday.

Come on, hurry up.

He's almost through.

Yeah, all right.

Here we go.

No, no.

You don't wear this.

testimonials from my grateful customers.

Yes, even the great Napoleon himself,

written on the battlefield of Austerlitz.

He gives the elixir full credit for the victory.

For years, I've suffered terrible digestive distress.

However, since taking Yakov's miraculous elixir,

I no longer find it necessary to continually hold

my hand on my stomach.

Kindest personal regards, Napoleon.

Yakov's elixir, drink it 'til you burst.

Hey.

Yakov's elixir is best for what is worst.

Hey.

And why do I tell you these things, my friends?

When there is someone here, a sufferer

on whom I've looked with compassion when

he lay at death's door, unable to move a muscle, paralyzed!

Friend, are you aware that you're losing your hair?

Do you need money?

Have you been on a diet?

Are you bothered by quiet?

Eh?

Quiet.

Eh?

Quiet.

Nice dancer, that fellow.

Do you get colds or prickly heat,

a burning brow or freezing feet?

A leaping pulse and jumping toes, a balding arch,

a running nose and hic-- --cups.

Do you get hic-- --cups?

A touch of laryngitis, paryngitis, asthma

or appendicitis, hic-- --cups.

Or rabies.

Hic-- --cups.

Or measles.

Have you had a diagnosis of cirrhosis

by osmosis with a mononucleosis plus sclerosis,

plus cytosis plus prognosis of psychosis?

Have you ever been short of breath?

Well, cheer up, up, up, cheer up, up, up, cheer up, up, up.

No matter how bad your condition,

I have news that will tickle your ears.

I was dead.

Dead?

Well, pretty sick.

'Til I saw a famous physician

who hadn't seen a patient in years.

He was nearsighted.

He said, hello, young man, you are possibly the plumber.

I'm a patient, Dr. Hummer.

Dr. Hummer said, hm. Dr. Hummer said, hm,

better see Dr. Singer.

Dr. Singer said, ah.

You have by the noses and .

Tell me something, young man.

You have had some diseases?

Have I had?

When I was one I had a-- when I was two,

I had a-- when I was three, I had-- by the time I was four.

When I was six, I had a-- at seven, I developed.

When I was eight, I got a-- by the time I was nine.

Doctor, why am I always so tired?

Dr. Singer said, ah, and gave me the following prescription.

twice a day.

Since that day, I haven't been sick, sir.

That medicine did the trick, sir.

And what was it?

Don't ask me.

I'll tell you.

Yakov's Golden Elixir!

Well, my friends, who will be the first to buy

Yakov's Elixir?

My friends--

It will give you new zest, new life, new enthusiasm.

What is it, mother?

I have 12 pennies.

My husband is sick.

If he had your medicine, maybe he would get well.

Here you are.

Go away, Madam, please.

But if I had your medicine,

maybe he would get well.

One bottle right here.

Will you take one here?

No, no, please.

No, mother.

Sell it to her.

Work the other side.

Why?

I did very well.

I sold three--

Here you are, mother.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Whatever's wrong with your husband, he's now cured.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, here it is.

The most wonderful, the most miraculous all cure.

Golden elixir, the tonic for the--

Mother!

Mother, here are your pennies.

Give me back the medicine.

No!

Mother, the medicine is no good.

But it's for my husband.

He needs it.

He is sick.

I know.

This will finish him off.

Here, take the pennies and buy milk.

It'll do him much more good than the medicine.

The medicine is no good.

You said--

Don't you remember me?

I'm the fellow who had all the diseases and everything,

but there's nothing wrong with me.

This medicine is a fake.

You said--

I'm a fake.

Yakov's a fake.

This is no good.

I tell you, Mother, we're cheating all the people.

Don't you see?

They wash windows with it.

Furniture polish.

All the people but-- pardon me-- all the people

back there that-- , Yakov!

Yakov!

Yakov!

Georgi!

Georgi!

Yakov!

Yakov!

Yakov!

Georgi!

Yakov!

Georgi!

Yakov!

Georgi!

Oh, you-- dude thank you

Look, Yakov, a-- a-- f-- f-- fish!

Fish, Yakov!

We can-- we can have supper now.

We put it near the flame.

It's my fish, Yakov.

It's mine now.

I-- I know, but I caught it.

I took it.

When you've learned a little more about taking and less

about giving, you can come back.

Get out.

Oh look, Yakov, I-- I'm sorry about that poor old woman.

She only had 12 pennies and I couldn't--

An old crow blinks her payment, he turns to .

I couldn't help it.

In this life, it's dog-eat-dog.

Right.

Bite and scratch.

That's right, Yakov.

Grab everything for yourself and hold on like a leech.

I agree with you, Yakov, but she had only--

And you can't even pick a pocket.

12 pennies and her husband-- yes I can so too do it.

I-- I'm a good thief, Yakov, even better than you.

See?

That's my watch!

Uh-huh.

Where did you get it?

In the water.

Please, Yakov, don't send me.

I'll do anything you want.

I'll be as hard as nails.

My heart will turn to stone.

Please, Yakov.

I'll steal my own mother's teeth.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Get out.

What?

Get out!

Oh.

All right.

I'll go.

Right after supper.

You get out of here!

But it's my fish--

I took you in and I am throwing you out,

why, you illiterate numbskull, you!

I'm not illiterate.

You're not, eh?

All right.

Read that.

Come on, read it.

R-- read it?

Read it.

R-- read it.

Read it!

Read it, yes.

Read it. But who can read on an empty stomach?

Read it and I'll give you supper.

You will?

Oh, well, that's different.

It says, um, uh, ooh, this is very interesting.

Y-- your handwriting shows definite character.

It shows your generous wouldn't refuse food to a hungry man--

Read it.

It says, um, "dear sir."

It says, "to whom it may concern."

That's right.

I was testing you.

You were testing me, huh?

Testing you, um, read.

Um, uh, to whom it may concern--

best personal regards, Napoleon.

See?

There you are.

I-- um, well maybe I can't read or write,

but I'm not illiterate.

You're nothing.

Just a millstone.

Get out of here!

A little--

Get out!

Bye, Yakov.

Bye.

"To whom it may concern."

What a silly way to start a letter."

Oh.

To whom it may concern.

What a silly way to start a letter.

The sailor loves the sea when the wind blows fair.

The Arab loves the desert and the sand which is there.

The farmer-- sandwiches.

Go get it.

What vintage is that?

Oh, just the bottom of the barrel.

What do you want?

Oh, hi.

Um, I thought perhaps you men wouldn't

mind sharing a little of your food with a--

On your way, tramp.

We hardly got enough for ourselves.

Come on, get on your way.

But you just gave a little piece to the dog.

That dog does something for his food.

Now what did I tell you?

Go on.

Go away.

He's looney.

If I could just have a little piece, that--

Wait a minute.

Otto, come here.

Roll over.

Can you do that?

Isn't that good?

Can you do that?

Can I have a little piece of--

Go away.

Can you do that?

Roll over?

Let's see you do it.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Lie down.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I bet he can run faster than you can.

No.

No thanks, Otto.

You won it fair and square.

Bargain's a bargain.

Any good?

Hm?

Well, would you mind if I just tasted a few?

I haven't had anything to eat in a couple of days.

I'd appreciate this.

I, um, thank you very much.

Don't put that heavy stuff on top of the crystal.

Where's the wagon?

Oh, now please go back.

Stop, thief!

Go get him!

Stop that thief.

There's stop--

So they caught you, you thief.

Who-- who, me?

Oh no.

You've got the wrong person.

The wrong man?

Yes, the horse followed me.

Ask him.

I'm innocent.

Innocent?

Good.

Then you'll hang with a clear conscience.

Take him to jail!

Take him away!

Hold it!

Hold it, stop!

I'm innocent!

Ask the horse!

I'm innocent!

Hold it, stop!

I'm innocent!

Gentlemen.

To business.

Um, Gizzick, or is it Izzick?

I never get that--

He's Gizzick, Uncle.

I'm Izzick.

You can always tell by the strawberry mark right here.

Well, never mind.

The hospital.

Have you cleaned it up?

Oh, you can eat off the floors.

We put sheets on the bed and we got the goats out of surgery,

and I put charts on the foot of each patient's bed

indicating the nature of their illness.

Good.

Now at least they'll don't know what they died from.

Kovatch?

Well, I've patrolled all the roads

leading to and from Brodny, so that unless the Inspector

General disguises himself as a bird

and decides to fly into the city, he'll never get past me.

Good.

And the jail?

Well, I have had new locks fitted

to all the cells, burnt the rubbish.

I even have a prisoner.

Good.

Who is he?

Oh, I don't know.

Just a tramp.

I apprehended him in the city square.

He was trying to make off with a horse and wagon, the one we

were loading with silver.

My silver?

My valuables?

Well yes, but I got him before he--

Who is he?

Where did he come from?

Oh, I don't know.

I-- I never saw him before.

He's just a common tramp, just in rags.

You idiot.

Did you cite him?

Question him?

Well, it was so near lunchtime.

And he was-- he was just a common tramp.

The Inspector General.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Why not a tramp?

In , he first appeared

as a traveling shoemaker.

In , he was disguised as a peddler, and here,

why not a tramp?

A horse and wagon, my horse and wagon,

the wagon I loaded with valuables to ship out of town.

Yes, but--

Of course!

The evidence he needed.

Now he knows.

I would like to take this opportunity

to tender my resignation.

My chain of office!

M My sword!

Who's there?

Want some water?

Water?

I want some food.

I'm sorry.

The prisoners are fed promptly at 3 o'clock.

Well, I guess I can hold out 'til then.

Wednesday and Saturday.

Wednesday?

But today's Thursday.

What is time?

Look, I haven't eaten in two days.

What kind of a jail is this where they won't even

give a man a crust of bread?

This is a nice jail.

Really, it is.

We've had some wonderful hangings here.

Oh that's very nice.

What's wonderful about a hanging?

Oh, you should see the ceremony, and the last meal.

The last meal?

Yes.

Can you-- can you order anything you like?

Anything.

The town of Brodny may have its faults,

but they certainly do it right when they hang a man?

They do?

Mm.

The mayor and all the commissioners

come, dressed in their finest clothes.

Oh.

And the town band assembles at the door of the jail.

Such beautiful music.

And they play the prisoner right up to the gallows.

Oh?

Mm.

I never could get one hanging we had a few years ago--

What's that?

What's what?

What's that music?

It mu--

What were you arrested for?

N-- nothing.

I'm innocent.

The horse followed me and all I--

The mayor, the commissioners, and everybody.

And they've brought the band.

T-- the band?

Who-- who are they going to hang?

Th-- there's only one prisoner here.

Oh.

Well, i-- if he doesn't finish his last meal, do you-- Help!

No, no.

Help!

Easy, easy.

Help!

Help!

You let me out of here.

You let me out of this jail, do you hear,

or I'll go right to the emperor.

Help!

What a fine, crooked village this must be.

Thieves you must have here.

Help!

Let me-- help!

Let me out!

Help!

Thieves you must have here.

How did they put me in this jail?

Help!

Open that gate.

Open the--

No trial, no justice.

I-- I-- I will record this for the emperor.

I-- I-- th-- there's the crooked village is this.

I-- I-- I-- don't anybody come near me.

Don't you come near me.

If any of you come near me, you'll the man

should be released.

There's others do down in the jail--

Um, may I please explain?

If you've been put to any-- any inconvenience,

I assure you, my-- my colleagues and myself

are-- are extremely distressed.

Oh, it's just a small community,

not rich or powerful, but a-- but citizens or taverners,

be they humble or exalted to the highest degree of nobility,

be they vagrants or Inspector Generals

appointed by the emperor, in our village,

they find courtesy, honor, and strict adherence

to the principles of justice.

Command us, Your Excellency, and we will obey.

Believe me, Your Highness, I understand and value

your desire to remain incognito.

Permit me to compliment you on your amazing disguise.

It's-- it's most convincing.

In a corrupt city with dishonest officials,

such a strategy would be most effective.

But here, in our fair village of Brodny,

we beg you to accept our hospitality.

Why don't we discuss the entire situation at dinner?

Here, um, Burbis, go to my house.

Tell my wife we have an honored guest.

Tell her I want a feast, a banquet.

Your Excellency, how can we talk in these sordid surroundings?

At my home, dinner would be just about ready--

a roast, a turkey, several kinds of game, a rack of lamb,

a magnificent pot roast.

And you probably will want a change of clothes.

Um, quick, some suitable clothing for His Excellency.

Where will I get the clothing?

Um, your uniform.

Take it off.

Now?

Now!

Your Excellency--

Yes?

Um, y-- yes?

Our chief of police regrets his mistake.

He will be delighted to have you wear

his uniform until your luggage arrives.

Kovatch will be honored.

He's tall, isn't he?

I know he is.

Is he going to stay long?

I hope not.

Oh.

What's taking you so long?

Hurry!

But I can't get it.

It's-- it's too tight.

Too tight indeed.

I wonder if the Inspector General

will think it's too tight.

Tell me, did you notice the color of his eyes?

Yes.

Are they blue?

Yes.

Are they brown?

Yes.

Are they black?

Yes.

Well, what are you starting at, stupid?

Now get busy, set the table.

And you two, listen.

When you serve, see that your hands are clean.

And you, Bela, you remove the dishes when I ring.

And you, Ladislaus, you bring on the fresh course,

and move quickly, and see that you don't spill anything

on our guests.

Did you hear me?

What did I say?

I take and Bela puts.

When?

When you ring the bell.

All right.

And Leza, you help serve the wine and do anything else

you can to make yourself useful.

Come, Burbis.

And put on a clean apron.

Did he say anything about Paris or Budapest or Vienna?

That dress was too tight, so tight it made her eyes pop out.

This is my humble home, Your Excellency.

It isn't large, but I have only a small pittance of a salary.

Please come in.

Maria, my jewel!

Maria!

Your Excellency, this is my wife, Maria.

His Excellency, the Inspector General.

It's a great privilege, Your Excellency.

May your visit here be pleasurable.

Welcome, Your Excellency.

Your hat, Your Excellency, and your sword.

Oh, Bela!

Your Excellency, my wife, Catherine.

Pleasure.

We must get rid of him.

I'll give him plenty of brandy, anything

to stop the inspection.

You get the glasses.

A toast, Your Excellency.

Um, something to prepare your palate.

A toast to His Excellency.

I'll see about the dinner.

Dinner?

Oh yes, Your Excellency.

A toast.

This way.

Right this way.

You'll find it very fine, Your Excellency.

My friends, a toast to His Excellency.

Long live His Excellency.

Lazlo, quickly, the wine!

Bela, the brandy!

Quickly!

Come along, please please.

More brandy, Bela.

Ah, Your Excellency, how charming it is for us to-- ah.

May I present Mrs. Burbis, Your Excellency?

She's the wife of our tax collector and-- and chemist.

Um, here we are.

Your Excellency, a little more wine,

and a toast to His Majesty, the Emperor.

Long live the emperor!

Um, this is Izzick and his twin brother Gizzick.

They're in charge of our postal department.

Um, the Inspector General, Izzick.

I'm not Izzick.

He's Gizzick.

Well it's very easy to tell by the strawberry mark on--

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Some other time.

One more aperitif just before dinner.

Dinner is served.

Ah.

Dinner is served, Your Ex-- one last drink, Your Excellency.

A toast.

Here's to the righteous.

To the righteous.

Here's to the evildoer.

to His Excellency, please.

Yes, and, um, some bread for his Excellency, please.

I suppose after Paris and Budapest,

your journey here must be very distasteful.

Um, what do you think of Switzerland?

I have relatives there in , the Berghoffs.

Um, did you ever run across them?

Your uniform is beautiful.

My husband has one just like it.

Oh, I do hope you're not disappointed

in the simple fare we serve here.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I-- I would like to propose a toast

to the fairest city in all the land,

to the home of courage, integrity, and honesty.

To Brodny!

To Brodny!

.

Of course, even if I'd had time to prepare

a proper kind of dinner, I don't suppose

Your Excellency would have found it

comparable to the sumptuous table they

set at the Emperor's palace.

But, of course, I do wish Biro had given me

a little more time.

You know, there's a--

Maria!

His-- His Excellency's glass is empty.

Oh.

Leza, wine for His Excellency.

Yes, ma'am.

Quickly, quickly!

Yes, ma'am.

After we've eaten, um, perhaps you'll tell me about your life

in Vienna and, um--

Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Your Excellency.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to.

That's-- it was just an accident.

Why, you clumsy drudge!

Oh, um, it was nothing, just merely an accident.

I-- I always spill wine all over my suit.

It-- she didn't mean it.

It was just-- W-- w-- water is very good for the wool.

It's just-- she didn't mean it.

It's just an accident.

It's nothing at all.

She really didn't.

Ladislaus, bring on the meat course for His Excellency.

Bela, the meat course.

Bring the meat course for His Excellency quickly.

Quick!

.

Tell me, is it true about the women in Paris?

You know, I heard--

Very nice.

Would you pass it down?

Pass that down.

Will you please pass this?

And this too?

And this?

And this.

Is there something wrong, Your Excellency?

Oh.

Try this, Your Excellency.

I always carry it with me.

It'll cure anything.

Good morning, Your Excellency.

I thought you'd like a glass of milk before breakfast.

.

How-- how did I get here?

We carried you up after dinner, Your Excellency.

We undressed you.

We?

And you were in a very playful mood, Your Excellency.

What a naughty Inspector General!

What?

Oh.

Maria!

All right, all right.

Good morning, Your Excellency.

May I express the hope that you spent a comfortable night?

Um.

What-- what time is it?

It's just past nine, but you've ample time

for a substantial breakfast before you

start your tour of inspections.

Inspections?

Yes.

Our program is 11 AM, reception at the town hall,

inspection of the guard of honor, and a band concert.

And at 11:30, a parade to the jail.

At 12:15, public hanging.

Hanging?

Followed by lunch.

This, um, this hanging isn't anyone I know, is it?

Oh, it's just some rascal out on a police arrest.

The rogue was impersonating a police officer.

Impersonating a--

Yes.

He made off with a sack of apples

from a local fruit merchant.

Yes, impersonating an officer.

Hanging is much too good for him.

Of course.

Now, I realize Your Excellency wants

to continue his journey as soon as possible.

Yes.

I must-- I must go immediately.

I've, um-- no-- no receptions, no--

Ah, Your Excellency, I'm brokenhearted.

I was looking forward to you inspecting our little village.

Yes.

It's a wonderful village.

Finest village I've ever seen, but I--

Will you be kind enough to say so in your official report?

Yes, yes, of course, but I must get dressed.

Yes.

Of course.

I'll, um, assemble the villagers and the band

to speed His Excellency on his way.

Where are my clothes?

His clothes.

Kovatch!

The uniform.

Well, it's badly stained.

I was having it cleaned.

Ah.

Well then, a fresh uniform for His Excellency.

Yes, but where will I get one for His Excellency?

Yours will do.

But this is brand new.

This wouldn't fit His Excellency.

Izzick, Gizzick, take care of this.

They used to be tailors, Your Excellency.

They can rectify that.

for His Excellency in a half an hour.

To the sky.

You see, Your Excellency, even in the short time

you've been here, you've captured

the hearts of our people.

What a pity you have to leave.

Well, I-- I thought I might be coming back again soon.

I-- I--

No, no, no.

Don't-- don't change your plans on our account.

Quick, His Excellency's horse.

The Inspector General's horse!

Thank you.

I'll-- I'll send the horse back as soon as I--

No, no, keep it. , please help His Excellency

to mount.

Oh, Your Excellency.

Are you hurt?

Oh, Your Excellency.

Great star of wisdom.

Yakov!

Exalted one, do not be angry with your devoted servant.

I've hunted for you everywhere.

Oh, forgive me, great master.

Forgive me.

Bestow mercy on your unworthy servant.

Forgive, you numbskull, or I'll break you in half.

Oh, be generous, master.

Be generous.

It's all right, Yakov.

I'm the lowly servant of this great, lofty Inspector General.

Due to my negligence, we were separated on the road.

I-- I was just leaving.

Oh, I must speak to you first, Master.

The emperor has sent you confidential instructions,

a secret message.

Please, .

But he was just leaving.

The Inspector General will decide that for himself.

What are you doing?

You mustn't , Yakov.

I'll never be able to get out.

Yakov, why did you stop me?

I had a chance to get away.

Now they may hang me.

Be quiet, you idiot.

Why should they hang the Inspector General?

You've got to say.

They lay the whole town at your feet.

I don't want the town.

I've got everything I want.

I just want to get out of here.

Wait a minute.

You've got everything you want?

What have you got?

Yes.

I didn't let anything slip through my hands.

Bite and scratch.

Steal and take.

Dog eat dog.

See?

Spoons!

Three spoons.

Uh-huh.

And these fat thieves are loaded with gold.

But Yakov, you don't understand.

We can sell the spoons, buy a new wagon, leave this town,

go--

All right, go on.

Run away.

I was right in the first place.

You haven't got an honest bone in your body.

Honest?

Oh.

Wait a minute, Yakov.

I don't understand.

Only a few days ago, you kicked me out

because you said I wasn't a good thief.

I kicked you out?

Yes.

I tear my heart into little bits

to drive you from evil company, and this is the thanks I get?

For once in your miserable life, you

have a chance really to do some good,

to , so what happens?

You want to run like a rabbit to save your own shabby skin,

never a thought of the people in the village.

Nothing but selfishness.

Now wait a minute, Yakov.

Oh, I crawled through every corner of this village.

Georgi, what misery exists here.

The mayor and his officials tax the very life out of this town,

and not content with that, they steal.

35,000 crowns they collected from the little children

and their poor parents to buy a pipe organ for the church.

Then they trump up a cock and bull

story that the organ was destroyed,

but I know that they sold it in another town.

No.

Now, by tonight, we can make them

pay 35,000 crowns for protection.

Then I buy back the organ, you present to the town,

and we expose these rascals.

May I become a wandering gypsy if I'm not telling the truth.

But you are a wandering gypsy.

That proves I'm telling the truth.

Now, to work, Georgi.

The most important thing is that you

make them understand that you know how crooked they are.

They'll shower you with gold.

35,000 crowns, Yakov?

You think they'll give it to me just like that?

They'll give you more.

Never fails.

It's even easier when you're an Inspector General.

But I don't know how to be an Inspector General.

Oh, that's very simple.

You have to behave like one.

But how?

I don't know--

Oh, how, why, what?

Don't bother me with silly technicalities.

You're the Inspector General, a big, strong firm.

Gentlemen, I have good news for you.

The Inspector General has decided to remain indefinitely.

He demands an inspection of the financial affairs of Brodny,

and he will meet with you at the town hall at 2 o'clock.

Be big, be strong, be firm, says Yakov,

but if it doesn't work, whose neck will they jerk?

Whose blood will they knock off?

Not Yakov.

Be an Inspector General.

What does an Inspector General do?

Inspect generals?

No.

An Inspector General generally inspects.

That is, they expect him to inspect generally

if they're expecting an Inspector General.

But an exceptionally generous Inspector General

who made an exception and had no inspection

would cause suspicion, which in my condition,

I couldn't accept.

Thank you.

However, if people unsuspecting now

accept without detecting an imposter who's

not posted as a pedigreed inspector,

could this palpable impostor, say, a gypsy or a ,

could he possibly get past them by his posture?

In two words, unlikely.

So it is not a question of to flee or not to flee, but to be

or not to be.

And if so, how?

Should I be arrogant?

Should I be elegant?

Should I be smart?

A rolling Russian hussar or very British empire,

or like the cagey Viennese, who already eats the cheese

while he says, no thank you, please.

Be smart.

I must examine every side of me-- the

long, the narrow, the wide of me,

the Dr. Jekyll under the Hyde of me.

If I value my anatomy, the skinny and the fat of me,

how shall I start to play the part?

Should I be arrogant?

Up off your knees!

Stop licking my boots!

Elegant?

Sugar?

A lump.

Lemon?

A squeeze.

Cream?

A dribble.

Tea.

Never touch it.

Or smart?

If they don't know what you should know,

they won't know what you would know.

Arrogant!

Elegant.

Smart.

If you say, sir.

And if that's all--

So much so.

If you talk to them, ya, ta, ta, ta,

you only waste your breath.

Laugh at them, ha, ha, ha, ha, they'll roll you far beneath.

Poke and you show your ignorance.

Laugh and you show your teeth.

Ha ha!

Uh-uh.

Gentlemen, if you will just step aside for one moment,

I should be very happy to talk to this unfortunate wretch.

Then go.

The course of action you should act on

that I've actually planned is a smasher.

A lot of thought I've put in it.

If you casually cover up your mouth with your hem,

you will never put your foot in it.

Never, never, never, put your foot in it.

Now really, gentlemen, please.

Sneak a sniff in of snuff.

Achoo.

with ease.

Just stand around and wait for them to sneeze.

And you'll see which way will blow

the breeze.

Pay no attention to what he says.

Do it my way.

My way.

Which way?

How can you show your ignorance?

If you casually stand there--

Wait 'til they sneeze.

Stop!

Please stop!

You're confusing me.

Please stop, please stop, please stop.

It's plain to see you're so pleased with yourselves,

you don't care about me.

That isn't true.

If we didn't care, we would we talk this way?

Things are not as bad as they look, gypsy boy.

No, sir.

They are much worse.

I remember a tear in the eye is worth two in the bush.

Yes, sir.

Then how do I play my part?

Be arrogant, be elegant, be smart.

Be arrogant, be elegant, be smart.

With you I agree, all three of me.

You need no longer linger.

I'll give 'em the fist.

Give 'em the fist.

Give 'em the wrist.

Give 'em the finger.

Smart.

To the town hall.

Find everything in order, Your Excellency.

Excellency.

.

Just a moment.

What was that?

What was what?

I thought I saw something.

How do you account for this?

Well?

Well, um--

Yes?

Well!

There were no taxes that day, Excellency.

Would you put your official signature to the books?

What is this?

Um, it's the very best we have, Your Excellency.

We're not a very rich community.

No.

I um, I-- I think

I'd-- I'd better not sign this until I've, um-- um--

You can examine the books more closely

at the house, Your Excellency.

Yes.

An excellency idea.

We shall see what we shall see.

And all I saw was this medicine show.

Um, the fat gypsy was selling this stuff

and his partner had his head on a plate.

Yakov, that soldier-- Um, , um,

.

Who is that man?

That's His Excellency, the Inspector General.

Ready and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Ready and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Ready and one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two,

one, two.

Read and one, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight nine,

ten--

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten.

Ready and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten.

Ready and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten.

place.

Dear Yakov, I cannot stay any longer.

Love, Georgi.

Oh, hi.

Um, this is the kitchen, isn't it?

Well, um, you, um, go right ahead.

I'm, , just inspecting.

Um, yes, um, oh.

Fine, just fine.

Um, now tell me, is there another way out?

Out?

O-U-F, out.

Oh, you're not leaving, Your Excellency?

Oh, I have to.

I can't stay another minute.

There's another town I have to inspect now, right now.

People are waiting.

I-- how do I get out?

I can't believe it.

You can't believe what?

You can't believe I have another town to inspect?

Well, of course I do, Your Highness.

Please don't be angry with me.

Oh I wasn't angry.

I--

You were so kind last night.

I thought you would stay, and it gave me new hope.

The whole village is looking to you for help.

Yes, well, I thought perhaps on my way back I'd--

Oh Your Excellency, such plundering and misery.

It's terrible, but you should see this other town.

It's-- it's-- they need me very badly.

People are waiting.

Receptions and--

Fine.

I really mustn't disappoint them.

I-- well, I'd better be going.

I'm-- I'm sorry you won't be more friendly.

Friendly?

Why should I be friendly?

I don't care if I hang for it, I'm going to say what I think.

You're as bad as the rest of them.

Worse because you have the power to do good and you run away.

I'll stay.

I can get the organ back.

It didn't burn.

I know where it is.

Well then, you do care about the people.

Of course I do.

Oh, the whole town will be so happy.

I want you to be happy, Leza.

Oh, I don't count, Your Excellency.

I-- I'm just a kitchen maid, and I'll always be one.

Well, that's no way to look at life.

Things can change overnight.

After all, I wasn't born an Inspector General.

It just happened.

Come on, smile.

Wish on the moon and look for the golden rainbow.

You will find happy time.

You'll hear a tune that lives in the heart of a bluebird,

and you'll find happy time.

Though things may look very dark,

your dream is not in vain.

For when do you find a rainbow?

Only after rain.

So wish on the moon, and someday-- it

may be tomorrow-- you will suddenly hear chimes.

And you'll find your happy, happy time.

Ladislaus!

Bela!

Get me the carrots!

Where is everybody?

Oh, Your Excellency.

Madame.

Just look what I found in the Brodny library.

Cranky's new almanac of the Emperor's official staff.

Um, Emperor's official staff?

Yes, with histories of their families and portraits

by celebrated artists.

Oh, oh, the portraits are very bad.

They're very bad.

You wouldn't recognize the one of me.

Oh, it-- it's so um, horrible.

I thought only women were vain about their portraits.

No.

Now I've got to see how bad they make you look.

Oh, you know, you never even told me your name.

Um, name?

Oh no matter, no matter.

I'll soon recognize you.

Then I'll find out all about you, your beautiful wife

and lovely children.

Oh.

I have no wife.

Um, none of my family had wives.

My father didn't like wives.

I mean, my mother didn't like my father's wives.

Um, may I have this book?

Oh no.

This looks rather like you, but older, of course.

It's a relative of yours?

Oh yes.

It's my father.

Your father?

Madame Knabe.

Wife of His Excellency Peter Knabe,

age 46, mother of 12 boys.

Oh, um, th-- that was a disguise.

Um, my father was a spy in the war,

and he, um, always used to disguise himself as my mother.

Your father?

No, no, my mother.

I was 19 before I could tell them apart.

Knabe.

Is that your family?

Um, yes.

Farfel Knabe.

Farfel.

Oh, what an unusual name.

Yes, it is.

It sounds like the morning breezes rustling

through the leaves in the willows.

Yes.

Um, what does it mean?

some kind of soup, I think.

Oh, yes.

Where were you born?

well, let me have the book and I--

I'll tell you about it, yes.

Some-- some-- some night when we're alone, I'll-- um,

perhaps tonight, I--

Oh.

I want to hear everything, Farfel.

You don't know how I yearn to live.

What it means to be married to a man who doesn't understand me.

He's a peasant-- a coarse, uncultured pig of a man.

Really?

Yes.

I was forced to marry him.

Oh.

I'm an attractive woman, am I not?

Yes, but--

I'm still in the first bloom of my youth, am I not?

Yes, but--

I'm desirable, am I not?

Yes, but--

Could a man wish for a more lovely, intelligent, responsive

woman than I am?

No.

Oh Farfel, you say the most beautiful things.

Oh, well, I really must be going upstairs now.

Oh.

You will help me, Farfel, won't you?

Promise!

Yes.

I-- I promise.

When we get to Paris, I won't be a burden to you, I swear.

Forgive me.

May I have a word with Your Excellency?

What do you want?

I throw myself on your mercy.

Please, Your Excellency, for the sake of my family.

What is it?

What have you done?

The tax records.

It wasn't my idea to falsify them.

The mayor, my own uncle, and Telecki, for you.

I admit I take bribes, but what kind of bribes?

Puppy dogs, that's all.

Just little puppy dogs.

Puppy dogs?

Yes.

What kind of puppy dogs?

Oh, all kinds.

Oh, I like puppy dogs.

You do?

Yes.

Then you shall have them, Your Excellency.

Oh, forgive me.

Yes, all 60 of them.

And here.

Here's, um, just a little gift to show you how much I--

TELECKI Your Excellency!

Who is it?

It is I, Telecki, Superintendent

of the Schools, Your Excellency.

He mustn't find me here.

Oh, well he's just a member of the council.

It really doesn't matter.

Come in!

Your Excellency, if I may have a moment of your time,

I have something that may interest you.

Well, you see, I have the best interests of the state at heart

or I would never tell you this, you understand.

Yes, well, um, come to the point, Tacky.

I am Telecki.

Te-- Te-- Telecki.

Sometimes a man must decide between duty and friends,

and I feel it is my duty to advise you

of the vice and corruption in the city of Brodny.

This isn't much, but if you will just accept it as a loan,

if you like, it will help--

May I see you a moment, Your Excellency?

It is Gizzick, the postmaster.

Gizzick!

He hates me.

If he should find me here.

No.

Not there.

Um, um-- oh.

Come in.

I'm a poor man, Your Excellency.

Please accept all this.

It's all I have, and the temptation was too strong.

The others stole more than I did.

They did?

Who is that?

Come with me.

hide in the closet here.

Um, come-- come in.

Oh.

Inspector General.

Yes?

Your Excellency, I want to speak to you.

In fact, I must speak to you.

The-- oh, um, my uniform looks-- looks very nice on you.

Thank you.

Yes, well, I'm having one made in black with silver

across here.

What is it, Kovatch?

Oh.

I guess I might as well make a clean breast of it.

Won't you, um, sit down?

Yes, thank you.

You see, it wasn't for me.

It was for my wife.

My wife is not a contented woman.

She wants clothing and money and jewels.

Oh, I love my family, but I'd give my six kids

to get rid of my wife.

So there's only 1,000 crowns in here.

1,000 crowns?

Yeah.

If you'll just give me a chance to sell the jewels.

Won't you, um, sit down?

Ow!

In the bed.

Hide in-- in the bed.

Come in.

Oh Your Excellency.

I'm a poor man.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd just put you in the-- in the closet.

Come in.

Oh.

I didn't know you were resting, Your Excellency.

Oh, I always rest.

The doctor says it's good for my liver.

Well, maybe I'd better come back.

No.

It's all right.

Um, what is it you want?

Well, I just wanted to make a confession.

I'll take it?

Well?

I'm as guilty as the rest of them, but I--

Oh, I mustn't be found here.

Where will I hide?

On the bed!

Do not--

In the chest?

No, no.

Under the bed?

.

On-- on top of the bed.

On top of the bed!

Oh!

Um, come-- come in.

You don't have to put on any airs--

Has-- has the message come from the, um, emperor?

What?

Um, go downstairs and see if my luggage has arrived.

What's the matter with you?

What's-- what's the weather outside like?

Look, if this --

Shh.

There's a lot of people hiding in there.

Hiding?

The councilmen.

They came with bribes.

Bribes?

Money?

Bribes.

Money.

They wanted to--

Money.

Where is it?

It's, um-- why?

Um, come in.

Your Excellency, may I speak to you for a moment?

Yes, of course.

Privately.

Those traitors.

They all brought him money.

You're wrong.

Gentlemen, I shall ask you to leave the room.

The mayor, and you too, Mr. Chief of Police.

Yes?

His Highness cannot tolerate dishonesty.

No?

Then why did he accept the bribes?

A few measly crowns?

His Excellency has many private charities.

I can assure you, not a penny of that money

will ever find a way into the pockets of the Inspector

General.

Well, um, what do you want us to do?

It's possible-- a mere possibility, mind you--

that a few substantial contributions from you might,

um--

How much?

Shall we say 100,000 crowns?

100,000 crowns?

I'll be a pauper.

Very well.

Keep your money.

You can jingle it in your pockets

all the way up the steps to the gallows.

He wouldn't do anything like that.

He would and he has, but he might

be inclined to show leniency if he can realize

the charitable dream of his life, a much needed addition

to the cathedral he built in Vienna.

A new church organ.

A fireproof organ.

Fireproof.

He knows.

He knows.

We can get rid of him without leaving a trace and none of us

will be involved.

Who will do it?

Viertel the woodchopper.

Viertel the woodchopper?

He'll do as I tell him.

He has to.

I can get him tonight during the reception

when all is confusion and noise.

But if something goes wrong?

Nothing will go wrong.

Are you sure?

Yes.

After midnight, as soon as everyone's had plenty to drink,

one of us will get him into the barn

where Viertel the woodchopper is waiting.

He will dispose of the body.

Good.

Wh-- what are you doing?

Why, you think I want to steal it?

I want to count it.

I've already counted it.

You can't count.

Well, it's very heavy.

There must be enough money here to buy back the organ.

All right.

Give it to me.

I'll go get the organ.

Oh no, not without me.

Look, you can't leave here.

They-- they need you for the reception.

Well, then we'll go after the reception.

Look, Yakov, there's an old Hungarian proverb.

Trust everybody but keep the organ money in sight.

Um, come in.

What is that?

Oh.

It's just a letter.

What kind of a letter?

Oh, a love letter, I suppose.

What?

A love letter?

For you?

Let me see that.

No, Yakov.

Oh, let me see.

No.

It's private, Yakov.

Never mind .

No, no.

Let me.

Let--

Yakov.

You might tear it.

Well?

Um.

Could you read it for me, Yakov?

What?

What, what?

Oh, Georgi, you're such a lucky guy.

What is it?

Have a beautiful girl like that fall in love with you.

Read it to me, Yakov, please.

My dearest darling Inspector General, from the moment

I first saw you, I knew you were the one.

At night, I dream of your manly figure,

and your handsome, gentle features

drive me mad with passionate love.

The sound of your voice thrills me beyond words,

and if I cannot have you for my very own, I must surely die.

Oh, Yakov.

Is there any more?

Does she say anything else?

Yes.

PS, please meet me in the barn at midnight.

Please meet me in the barn at midnight.

Yakov, what does "PS" mean?

Um PS?

Mm-hm

Please, sweetheart.

Please, sweetheart, meet me in the barn at midnight.

I have a carriage waiting, Farfel.

A carriage?

Yes.

My things are all packed.

Oh.

I'll meet you at the stable after the dance.

Well, yeah, but--

Cousin Biro!

Cousin!

Everything is arranged. .

I have the money.

Has he sent in his report?

Tell him I'll deliver it to him tonight.

Good.

But we can't settle the matter in here.

Where would you suggest?

Outside in the barn.

At midnight?

At midnight.

He'll be there.

I'll go and get ready.

I'll see you later, Farfel.

I got your note.

You're wonderful.

At the barn?

The barn.

Thank you.

Out of my way.

I am Colonel Franz Castine, comrade, lifelong friend

of His Excellency the Inspector General.

We've been friends for many, many years.

Yes, sir.

Announce me at once, young lady.

Yes, Colonel.

Hm?

Oh, young man.

Um, probably the eyes , Colonel?

Yes, yes.

I was snow blinded in the Alps in the Italian campaign

with His Majesty the Emperor.

The Emperor.

Long life to His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor!

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You idiot.

Where are-- oh, there you are.

You blithering idiot.

Now, where are my glasses?

Oh, they fell down on the floor.

.

I'm so blind without my glasses.

I will look for them.

I will look for them.

Be careful now, be careful.

They're on the floor somewhere.

Now don't step on them.

No, I shan't.

Oh, I am so sorry, Your Excellency.

Look--

Oh, you stupid fool.

Now look, now look, I'll have to go and get another pair.

No, no, no.

You just stay right here.

Hold on, Your Excellency.

I shall make the announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I have the honor to announce the unexpected arrival

of Colonel Franz Castine of the Emperor's Royal Guards,

comrade in arms and lifelong friend of His Excellency

the Inspector General.

The colonel is quite nearsighted

and had the misfortune to break his glasses.

Imagine, he broke his glasses.

Oh no, Colonel.

You're kissing the wrong man.

This is the Inspector General.

Yes, yes, oh, of course.

How stupid of me.

Yes, the Inspector General is really a much shorter man.

Leopold, this is indeed a joy, a joy.

Oh.

I notice that you've, um, you've shaved your mustache.

M-- m-- oh, it used to tickle.

It's all right.

It's all right.

It makes you look much younger.

And your voice, it seems to sound much more youthful.

Not-- not always.

I have laryngitis.

My friends, this is the man who, singlehanded,

routed an entire regiment of Italians

at the Battle of Levengreto, and then he

pushed their own cannon into position

and fired at the retreating enemy.

Do you remember that, my boy?

Oh, it was nothing.

And Austerlitz?

Well, I didn't do much.

Oh, he didn't do much.

He just dove into a raging river and rescued

four wounded soldiers, and then on the way,

he cut down 10 Spaniards with his-- with his saber.

Small Spaniards.

The morale was very low, but with his magnificent courage,

he plunged into the fray and he led his men

with a song, the victory song of the 94th regiment.

Onward, onward, never looking back.

Onward-- how-- how does it go, Leopold?

His Excellency doesn't like to be reminded of that tragic day,

but he might be persuaded to sing

something lighter, more gay.

In a little while.

I can't--

Oh splendid, splendid.

Then I can get my glasses from the inn.

Oh no sir, no sir.

Why don't you think something now and honor the colonel?

Sing, you imbecile, before he gets his glasses.

Um, could I borrow your drink for the song, please?

And now-- and now for my friend and comrade

in arms, I'd-- I'd like to do a gypsy--

a gypsy drinking song.

My wine.

He took my wine.

There's plenty more.

No, but one swallow and it will be all over.

What are you trembling for?

The wine.

It's deadly poison.

I fixed it.

You did?

Yes.

you are.

For years, I've misjudged you.

Poison.

Oh no, no, no.

It was for me.

For you?

Yes.

I couldn't stand it any longer.

I even wrote a confession.

You what?

Confession?

Whisking through the whispering woods on a wild

Romany pony with a yak, yak, yak and a

and a ride the gypsy, the gypsy, the gypsy.

The gypsy.

The world thinks him tipsy and careless and free,

but oh, the poor gypsy, his lot is not to be poor.

Night and day and day and night, there's

a man baying with a whip in his hand.

Oh the gypsy, he stands, and this is what he is saying.

Hum, hum, hm.

There, gypsy sing, gypsy dance, gypsy laugh, gypsy cry, gypsy

live, gypsy die, gypsy drink.

Gypsy drink to goodbyes and drink to hello.

Drink to the open, drink to the closed.

Drink to me only with thine eyes,

and I will drink with my nose.

And so we drink!

But first, we sing.

How can you sing gypsy song

without gypsy chorus?

So ladies and gentlemen, I will ask you for a little favor.

You help me.

We'll have a little chorus and sound beautiful, wonderful.

I will give you a little beat.

You make for me, zoom, all right, please?

Everybody.

Zoom.

That's very nice, but we get a little sharper, you know?

More in the , diaphragm, hey, hey, hey, zoom.

, all right?

Zoom.

Very nice.

Now shorter.

Zoom.

I like it.

I like it.

Once more, please now.

Zoom.

Very pretty.

This group here, I will make for you stock, stock.

Please, everybody on the ,

stock, stock, all right?

Stock, stock.

Very nice.

All right?

Stock stock.

No!

I didn't make it yet.

Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, small stock, stock.

Stock, stock.

Very nice.

Please?

Stock stock.

That's so pretty.

Loud.

Stock, stock.

I'll be with you in two minutes.

Now this little group here, I'd like

you to make a little favor on me.

All the little tiny , the sweet, gentle little faces,

make for me, ha, ha, ha.

This way, all right?

Please, everybody.

Hey!

Ha, ha, ha.

That's wonderful.

Now, rehearse it.

Everybody, let's once again, please.

Ha, ha, ha.

Very pretty.

I love you to pieces.

Please.

On the .

Zoom.

I .

Stock stock.

.

Ha, ha, ha.

.

You want something to drink maybe?

No thank you, Excellency.

Hey, gypsy sing, gypsy dance, gypsy leap,

gypsy creep, gypsy slide, gypsy sleep, gypsy drink, gypsy.

And so we drink.

But first, we play.

Pardon me.

I slipped my bow.

My fingers need a raisin.

I like it.

Makes me cry.

Who, me?

Hey, gypsy sing, gypsy dance, gypsy smile, gypsy wink,

gypsy blink, gypsy shrink, gypsy, drink, gypsy.

And so we drink.

But first, we dance.

Pardon me.

And so we drink to everything we love, to everyone we admire,

to the girl who sets your heart aglow

and sets your heart on fire.

And so we drink.

I like it.

Oh, um, would you excuse me, ladies?

I have something, um, to do.

Oh, I-- I beg your pardon, Your Excellency.

I hope you're enjoying the evening.

Yes.

I, um-- very much.

I, um, really have to, um--

Leza?

Leza!

Oh!

Why, you clumsy ox.

What's the matter with you?

You crazy?

You know, you could have killed me with that.

Wh-- why do you have to work so late at night, anyway?

Whatever you have to chop can wait 'til morning, can't it?

Now, now, now go on to bed.

Go on.

I've got to meet somebody here.

Go on to bed.

Aren't you the Inspector General?

Yeah.

That doesn't mean I can't meet anybody here, does it?

No.

You don't believe it, do you?

Read that.

Don't go near the barn.

Leza!

They're going to kill you.

And only two hours ago, she-- would

you re-- read that again, please?

Says, "don't go near the barn.

They are going to kill you."

Um, Yakov.

Yakov, my best friend.

Where's your master?

My master?

Well?

How did it--

You know how.

Now gentlemen, let's get down to business.

For a price, I'll get rid of the evidence.

The money?

The money?

I don't think I want any supper.

Oh no.

Help!

Farfel!

Yakov.

What are you doing, Yakov?

Where are you going?

Get away from me!

Giddyup, giddyup!

Oh, you're .

Leza!

Georgi, I'm your best friend.

Where are we going?

To get the organ.

Make way for the Inspector General!

Make way for the Inspector General.

Make way for the Inspector General.

What did he say?

Must have been an echo.

Attention!

Announcing the emissary of the Emperor, General Leopold

Nikolai Tarantino, His Excellency the Inspector

General.

Excellency.

He took bribes.

He drank all my wine.

He-- he yelled out the windows.

He even made love to my wife.

How-- how could I doubt that he was an Inspector General?

I-- I mean, he gave us no chance to think of deception,

Your Majesty.

I-- I mean Your Excellency.

Isn't that right, Gizzick?

I'm Izzick.

He's Gizzick.

You can always tell by the strawberry mark on my leg.

It's as big as-- I'm Gizzick.

He's Izzick.

Silence!

Excuse me, Your Excellency.

First of all, Mayor, I want that tramp.

Send out every man available.

Yes, sir.

Meanwhile, I will write out an order for his execution.

Yes, Your Excellency.

He will hang today, Your Excellency.

I promise you that.

And test the gallows.

I'm Izzick.

I never thought--

Silence!

Citizens, here is the organ, the one that was stolen.

We-- we got the money we had and .

I'll see you in a minute.

Here, take the organ to the church.

I'll be back in a minute.

Come on, men.

I may need you.

Follow me, men.

Wait here for me.

.

Oh, never mind that.

I'm glad I found all you gentlemen together.

This town is going to be cleaned up from top to bottom.

So this is the Inspector General.

Yes.

Mr. Mayor, I'd like you all to know

that the corruption in this city is at an end.

I want a complete and honest report from you,

and a complete report of your tax records.

I want a report from you in the morning.

Who is this man?

Tell him to get out.

This is official business.

Mr. Mayor, in the name of the emperor,

I call upon you to produce all the tax records and books

of this village immediately.

If Your Excellency will permit me to interrupt,

let me show you this communication which

has just arrived.

Silly girl.

And now to business.

I want--

You filthy vagabond, this is the Inspector General.

How do you do?

We must have a long talk together sometime.

I want to look at all these b-- books.

In-- Inspector General?

Come in.

Come in.

Open up the cell.

Yes, your honor.

Hurry, man.

Yes, sir.

Guards!

Yes.

I've been waiting for this for a long time.

.

This will be beautiful.

Two hangings at once.

You'll regret this, you fat faced village idiot.

Why, you-- how dare you?

Keep your dirty hands off me, you misbegotten peasant.

Tie him up!

The emperor will tear this stinking village

down over your ears, you thieving lardbucket.

Heads will roll here like marbles, yours first, and then

this flea-ridden sack of nothing you call the Inspector General.

He's insane!

Take him away!

This is an Inspector General?

Don't make me laugh.

The great emperor wouldn't appoint a thing like this

to a post of such importance.

This is your Inspector General, here.

His carriage, his manner, his bearing.

Gentlemen, take your choice.

I don't know what to think.

You don't have to think.

If this man is the Inspector General,

then were are his credentials?

Well, where's yours?

Show them your .

They have a right to see.

Come on, show them.

Show your credentials.

Show them.

Oh, um-- the cr--

Produce them.

Um.

Here they are.

See?

Oh, forgive me.

It's all right, Yakov.

Your Excellency.

Kovatch!

I-- I-- I would like to take this opportunity

to tender my resignation.

I'm so sorry, Your Excellency.

It was an honest mistake.

The impostor will hang!

This is preposterous.

Silence!

If Your Excellency will be so good as to write out the death

warrant.

Just one minute, please.

Arrest that man!

I'm warning you, I'm warning all of you,

this shall be reported to the emperor.

Lock him up!

This is an outrage.

I can't do it.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, I can't write.

Oh.

It's just--

I can't read, either.

And even if I could write, I couldn't

sign this death warrant.

I'm, um-- I'm not the Inspector General.

Oh, he's just soft hearted.

Here, I'll sign it.

You can't do it, Yakov.

You can't.

It's all over.

I couldn't sign this.

That man is completely innocent.

I hang.

I only did it so I could get the money to buy the organ back.

I--

Lock them up again!

Put them in chains!

Send them to the gallows!

Oh, Your Excellency, I'm sorry.

Nothing like this has ever happened in Brodny before,

but I assure you, they'll go to the gallows, Your Excellency.

The gallows will wait its turn, but not now.

But-- but Your Excellency, they--

This man will not hang.

The first honest man I've met since I left Budapest.

Whatever you say, Your Excellency, but-- my-- my chain

of office, Your Excellency.

We'll put something else around your neck.

Oh, thank you, Your Excellency.

With band music?

What'd you say?

With band music?

With band music.

I-- I-- I couldn't take this, Your Excellency.

I-- I can't even read or write.

I-- I have no education.

What you have is much better.

Please, Your Excellency--

My credentials, my medal, my sash.

When you said that-- that I--

Citizens of Brodny, I have the honor

to present to you your new mayor!