All language subtitles for The Young Offenders s05e06.eng

People always say you can't choose your
family, but you can choose your friends.

And then you can get your friends to
look after your family. The silly pigeon

had run away forever.

And leave everybody behind.

This made him a sad silly pigeon.

It's a bit grim, no?

I am.

Time got it for me when Dad died so I'd
understand.

You know someone is a proper friend when
they're there for you when you need

them the most.

Everyone needs a friend.

Where's mine?

I only had enough money for one, so
we're going to have to share.

I'm so sick of this place.

Cork is just a dead end.

We're broke.

We can't get jobs.

We're still living at home with my
annoying man dickhead guard in the

can't even get any sleep because that
baby's crying all the time.

We always said we needed to get out of
this place.

And tried.

But here we are, still, years later,
sharing a lolly. What about Star, like?

Well, you don't even have access to her.

If you go abroad and make shitloads of
money, you can prove yourself and be a

proper dad.

You'll never be able to do that here.

No, no, you are right. You are right. I
just, I obviously had to ask her or else

I wouldn't be a good dad.

All right, where do we go?

All right.

Tenerife. Tenerife. Think about it, boy.
It's like going on holidays, but you

never have to come home. Yeah, and you
can work in the sun, boy, and smoke

fags in Ireland. Exactly, boy. Can you
imagine living on an island?

That would be unbelievable, boy.
Tenerife's clad. Surrounded by water.

unreal. Here, we've got an announcement
to make.

We are moving to Tenerife.

That's a great idea.

Aw, thanks, Healy.

Not?

You wouldn't your whole survive in
Tenerife. Better than surviving in this

shithole. We might actually thrive in
Tenerife.

Conor, you can't go anywhere. The
farther you go from this house, the more

trouble you get in. You belong here.
Even I have come to terms with that.

All right?

Can you do that somewhere else?

No, I can't. All right? I'm up against
Lara Gibson for this promotion, and he

perfect.

Not in a woman way, in a guard way.

What was that for? For being a shit
friend.

What did you hit me for?

Guilty by association.

I got stuck in the floor of my house for
two days. Two fucking days.

It's not funny. It's not funny. Don't
laugh.

I almost soiled myself.

I could have died on my own and you
didn't even show up for me.

Billy, since when is it my
responsibility to check if you're alive

haven't seen you?

Since we're friends, you'd show up for
him, though. Yeah, that's different.

We always know where each other are, so
that would be impossible. Billy, why are

you here? Did you come here just to
punch us or what?

No.

Look, I've got this big...

job on and who's going to offer you
first refusal because we're friends.

We are still friends, aren't we? Yeah,
we're still friends.

I have a heist.

It's in a whiskey distillery. Some of
the bottles are sold for 20 ,000 euros

each. 20 grand? And they make a shit ton
of them. They wouldn't even know if

some of them weren't missing.

And as far as the job is concerned, a
fucking monkey could do it.

That's what he thought of you.

Well, I'm not a monkey. I'm a primate.
No, but honestly, it's the easiest money

you're ever going to make.

Hi. We're in.

Yeah, we're in.

We? Yeah, we. Yeah, we. There's no we.

Oh, he comes swanning back in like a,
like a, like a fucking swan. No, no, no,

no. Two -man job. Me, you.

Billy, I'm not doing it unless Jack's
involved.

That's the plan. We're walking.

All right, but I don't want to hear
nothing from you about an equal split.

right.

33%, that's it.

Each. Yeah, Grant. Not a chance, Billy.
That's not fair at all. Yeah, no.

That's it.

Very funny.

You mean?

It's really dead. Quite, really.

I'm fairly nervous. I was only doing the
hand thing. Yeah, it's kind of our

thing, all right? All right.

Let's go to work.

Come on, Jack.

I'll say it again.

I have a cousin who's working on the
inside.

And he's going to sneak us in like the
Greeks did with that big Trojan horse

thingy in Troy. Oh, yeah. What would
that call you in?

A big sneaky wooden horse of Troy.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. What we're looking for are these
beauties.

Pilvera. 50 -year -old triple distilled
whiskey.

Very, very rare.

That's for 20 grand.

Once we have these, we get changed in to
the security guard uniforms that my

cousin has stashed off.

Then we set off the fire alarm and we
just walk out the door in all the

confusion. What's going on here? Oh,
what's going on here?

Nothing. We're, um...

It sort of felt like we were in

Austin's Eleven.

I haven't seen the first ten, but they
made it look kinda sexy.

Instead, we were in the dark, getting
rolled around in old barrels and ended

with a load of splinters in our holes.

Are you

serious?

Oh, shit.

In and out.

Easiest money you'll ever earn. A monkey
could do it. Don't blame me. My cousin

said the alarm was going to be
deactivated all day Wednesday.

By Tuesday.

It's hardly a foolproof plan, are you,
Billy?

You calling me a fool?

Hello? Go, go, go, go.

Hello?

Who's there?

Come out now.

I have a taser.

I know you're there.

I can hear you.

I can smell you.

There's no point in hiding like a
chicken shit.

Who are you calling a chicken shit?

Right!

Hey! Better have your taser.

We needed a change of plan.

And if there's one thing me and Jock can
do, it's blend in. Don't be afraid of

it. We're going to get properly stuck
into it.

Everyone knows Americans can't drink
till they're 20 wine. But they have to

over here to learn how to do it
properly.

They've got to learn from the best, I
suppose.

Excuse me. This is the private tour for
our American guest.

Well, fully aware.

That it is a private tour, sir.

My friend and I here are Americans.

What? Isn't that right, Kyle?

G'day, mate.

I need to go for a piss, so I'll go a
little loose. But back now.

You're what?

I can't do Americans. Just go on, all
right?

Please continue.

Can you hurry up? We're going to the
Blarney Stone early in the morning.

Yeah, always learn, isn't it?

So we're going to take a sip.

I can't believe you two pricks ran off
and left me trapped in there.

There's no point blaming it, you know,
is it?

Attention, there's been a break -in. Be
on the lookout for three men acting

suspiciously. We need to move over here
as quickly as we possibly can.

Excusez -moi.

Do you have a description?

Yes. Two in their 20s and one in their
50s.

50s? I'm in my prime.

Copy that.

That's them all right. They're on the
tour.

No, no. Okay.

Everybody be cool.

Put your hands up in the air.

That's a 20 -year -old triple distilled
single pot whiskey.

Is that one of the good wines?

Yeah.

Where do you keep the shitter wine?

Middle shelf there.

Jack, you take this one.

Hands in the air. Yeah. Don't move.

Don't move.

Hands up. Hands up. Relax.

Relax. Keep your hands up. Yeah.

Operation nap time complete.

Conor and Jack are out and the baby's
asleep.

We give the whole house to her now.

Great, isn't it? Yeah.

I'm going to polish my baton.

Maybe I can polish your baton for you.
No, you're grand. It's a specific

technique. You kind of got to do it in
circles.

For a guard, you are really bad at
taking cues.

Do you want to write?

Yeah, of course.

Developing scenes here in Cork this
evening as a robbery turns into a

situation. Three male suspects are
holding a group of tourists hostage.

Love, there are thousands of criminals
in Cork, okay? Not every crime is Connor

and Jock, yeah? But, I mean, I've been
paranoid. ...TV footage from the scene

shows the suspects.

They have now been identified as Connor
McSweeney... Tony!

...Jock O 'Keefe... Oh, great.

Look, Mom!

What's on the telly? Jesus Christ!

He's been out for five minutes!

Let's end this with a stupid idea. We
have you surrounded.

Look, they're going to want to
negotiate.

The most important thing is we don't let
them get in our heads.

Connor, my name is Sergeant Gibson.

You're too emotional.

Aren't you? Fine, yeah, fine, go.

Okay.

All right.

Conor speaking.

Show ahead, Conor.

I just wanted to get to Tenerife, all
right? I didn't know this was going to

happen. I just broke the seatbelt.

I didn't mean to... Relax, relax.

If they hear fear in your voice, they're
going to know.

They're going to think we're amateurs.

Well, we are amateurs. What they're
going to need is clear and precise

They're going to run in here and kill
every one of us.

Not all of us.

Stay with me, Conor.

They're still there.

Conor again.

We have some very clear and precise
demands.

We would like... Three... Pockets.

And three motorbikes as well.

That's going to take time to organise,
Conor.

No, but that's a good thing, that's a
good thing. Say more weird shit and

they'll buy our time.

We want three cock jerseys and... A
portable tree. A portable tree.

House. A portable tree house. Yeah. And
a plane to get us out of here.

That can land on water. One of those
planes that can land on water so you can

land near an island.

Yeah. The ones in Indiana Jones.

I'll see what I can do.

But in the meantime, as a sign of good
faith, I'm going to need you to release

two hostages, Connor.

Just give them.

Two of the most unhealthy looking ones.

I got

here as soon as I could.

Right. The little one trusts me now and
he's scared. I'm in his head.

Good work, Sergeant Gibson.

What can I do to help?

You can start by standing on the other
side of that tape.

He can't be involved considering his
conflict of interest.

I don't have conflicted interests. Two
of the three suspects live with you. One

of them is your stepson.

If those two boys were curry, your
arsehole would be burning.

Yeah, I can't eat curry, so the joke's
on you, Gibson.

She's right.

Stand down. He's not my stepson, okay?
He's my wife's fuck -up of a son, all

right? That's just an unfortunate
circumstance.

My priority is my job.

The missus doesn't look too happy to
hear that.

Nice, Tony.

Mireille, I didn't mean it like that,
okay?

Come here, come here.

I was thinking, okay, I've seen this
thing on the telly, right?

Where people fall in love with their
kidnappers, okay? It's called Stockdown

Syndrome, right?

They're most of them a bit old to be
trying to get the shift.

What? No, not the shift, you idiot, boy.

I'm saying, though, if we can get them
to like us, boy, surely that's a good

thing. Get them on our side.

Cavalry, how can we get them to like us?

The same, boy.

All Irish people get foreigner to like
them.

Billy's uncle is actually Michael
Collins.

Yeah, but not Dean Michael Collins.

Michael Collins, he used to have a chip
for embarrassment.

My stepmom's aunt is from Donegal.

So you are Irish?

I love Ireland. It's so beautiful.

It's a bit shit when you don't have any
money. Come on, that's everywhere,

sweetie.

How come you didn't move here at all?

Well, you know, it's not...

Home is where you feel safe and
complete.

Besides, the water here gives me the
squirt.

Beam. USA!

USA! USA!

Very real!

Very real!

What a chance, boy. That was the 20
grand bottle, you idiot.

What? Sure doesn't taste like 20 grand.

He wouldn't have used that one if you
had told him, all right? You just...

to be likeable, remember? Calmed down.

You just cost me 20 grand. Why did I
drag you two along?

We didn't ask to come here, all right?
You invited us.

I was being a good friend, and look
where that got me. Oh, a friend. Why,

throw punches around like it's confetti,
all right? You're the worst friend I've

ever had. You forgot all about me when
he swanned back into town, and then you

just mess up my heist. I'm not the one
who triggered the alarm, because I can't

tell the difference between Tuesdays and
Wednesdays.

Oh, watch it. Or what, mate?

Oh, let me guess. You're going to kick
the shit out of us.

I thought, you know what? Maybe Billy's
all right.

Maybe he's changed.

Oh, and then you go full psycho Billy
and make everyone around you suffer.

Oh, here we go. The truth is that we're
not friends now, are we? Oh, you want

the truth, mate? Friends don't do bad
shit to each other to make themselves

good. Friends do good things to big each
other up.

You've never been a good friend in your
entire life. Kind. Kind.

Connor!

Connor, come to the door, Connor.

Mine? Ma 'am,

I'm sorry.

I didn't think we were going to get
caught.

That's the problem, Connor.

You never think.

All the things you've done, this is the
worst.

The hostages?

This is only going to end one way.

We don't even have anything to show for
it and there's no way out.

Look, we're going to turn ourselves in.

What? Oh, well, we can't do it. I'll
never see Star again.

Ma 'am's right.

The only way to get out of this is to do
the right thing.

You better hope none of those hostages
are hurt.

They're not violent boys, okay? They're
just idiots.

They never hurt any of them.

Is that right?

Thanks for that.

Wait, Con, Con.

Remember the bedtime story I used to
read you?

Ma 'am, I don't think now is the right
time to be bringing up big boys do we.

Oh, shut up. Not that one.

Do you remember the silly pigeon?

Yeah. Con, I think you need to be the
silly pigeon.

But isn't that the one where the pigeon
runs away and doesn't come back?

Forever.

What do you want?

Can you put Star on the phone there,
please?

It's a bit cheeky calling from a crime
scene asking to talk to Star. Sorry, I'm

sorry, okay? But me and Con, we messed
up, all right? And we're going to have

probably go away for a while.

And it's not fair to you to tell Star.
So can you just put her on the phone? I

should do it. I'm her dad.

Star, come here.

I guess you're not okay.

Hi, Dad. I saw you on the TV.

Hoist there.

Myself and Con are probably going to
have to go away for a little while,

Like a holiday?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like on a holiday,
yeah.

I'll go pack my swim togs in my bag.

No, love.

It's just a me and Con holiday.

But I'm going to miss you, Ari. I really
love you, Con.

And I'll always have your back.

I love you too, man.

I love you to the moon, alright?

And all the way back?

All the way back, always.

Because you're my star.

Bye, love.

Please tell me you talk some sense into
him. If by sense you mean I told him to

run. You can't be serious.

I did the right thing for my son.

If you can't support that, then maybe
I'm not right for you.

Get into position.

Connor! Connor!

Connor, they're coming!

Connor! They're coming!

Jesus, lad, you've got to get out of
here. It's useless.

There's no way out.

No, no, there is one way out.

Why didn't you say that earlier?

I thought you were assholes before, but
you're actually all right.

See, I never had any friends. Where is
he?

That barrel's fake.

There's a ladder on the side that leads
to a secret passage.

And did you know that passage actually
dates from 1821?

Yeah, shut up. I don't care.

I think I'm just bad, and that's the way
I am. Billy, no is not the time, all

right? Why don't you raise the ladder?

Raise the ladder!

Because I'm beginning to think it might
be better off in prison.

I mean, there's good food, a great
fight, regular bedtime.

And if you've no friends, you don't have
to notice other people who are there.

You know what I mean?

Come on, Kyle!

There's no way around it.

I'm going to go on now.

I'll hold him off.

Go on!

What are you doing?

Being a friend.

Just because

someone says destructive doesn't mean
they're a ticket.

It all depends on when they decide to
dead -destruct.

If done at the right time, it can be a
gift to those they care about.

Stop right there!

Healy boy, you have to let us go.

I have to do what I have to do.

All right.

Well, if you have to do what you have to
do, then we have to do what we have to

do.

Punch me.

What? This goes against everything that
I stand for.

But your mother is more important to me
than anything.

Ever since the first day.

I said, fuck me.

Go away.

Hey, you can't go that way, you morons.
You're surrounded.

You're going to go back inside and hide.
All right. Thanks, boy. Thanks, boy.

For God's sake.

What happened?

They overpowered me and got away.

He can't take a punch.

And she doesn't know how doors work.

Set up roadblocks all over the city.

What was that for?

I can always tell when you're lying. The
hostage takers have now been identified

as Connor McSweeney.

Jock O 'Keefe, both convicted drug
smugglers, and local petty criminal

Murphy. Do you like that?

Get your hands off my penis!

This is Democracy Manifest!

Sharon, Sharon, it's Billy Murphy, not
Willie!

B -I -L -L -Y!

Billy!

Gard, do you think the coast is clear?

I think so.

Where the fuck are we, mate? Where are
we moving?

I think we're on a ship.

We're on a boat.

Where are we going?

John, where are we going?

I can't. I don't dwell on the water.

I know, I know. I understand, okay?
Look, stay calm, okay? I want to go

Hey,

hey, hey. We have each other, okay?

We have each other. I want to go home. I
want to go home.

We figured I'd drink that up.

Relax. We need you to relax for me,
okay? Look, we can't be going far.

We must be going down to... Boy, that's
smooth.

Beyond Belfast or England, maybe?

Jack! It wouldn't go farther than that.
Jack! Maybe they needed more petrol.

What? What's that?

What do you mean? One of the wicked,
rare things?

That's 20 grand.

Give me two seconds, two seconds.

Very rare 50 years limited release.

I'm crying.

Just stay calm when I tell you this.

Billy put four bottles of that in there.

That's 60 grand in here.

20 grand there, that's 80 grand.

We're rich!

We're rich!

I will ring the bell.

Billy Murphy!

Oh,

sure.

Nice one.

If you ask me, home isn't a place.

Home is the people who mean the most to
you.

The ones that make you feel like you're
not facing the world alone.

Somos dueños de esta chucha.

Es nuestra.

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