All language subtitles for The Young Offenders s05e05.eng

You hear a lot of mams going on about
how being a mam is like a real job.

But how hard is it really?

Okay, there's the pregnancy bit.

Tony!

And then there's the birth.

But that's just popping it out.

And I reckon I was actually the one who
ended up doing most of the work there.

And after all that, you have a baby.

Then you get months off work where you
get free money for doing absolutely

nothing. Jesus Christ, he's eating my
nipples red raw.

Try bottle feeding him?

Oh, yeah. I'll have everyone tell me I
hate my baby. No, thank you. The whole

thing seems like a bit of a scam,
really.

Bottle you?

Oh, Christ's sake. It's the past.

Who's taking the past?

What are we going to do?

There's nothing to be afraid of, okay?

I'm just going to tell her to calm down.

No, no, no, no, no. You want to be
killed.

You can't tell a woman to calm down.

How's she going to know to relax then?
Hey. Where is the soup?

Be over soon.

Her mam's coming to town. She's just a
bit worked up.

and won't last forever.

Ma 'am's ma 'am?

I thought she was dead.

She's not dead.

She just left Mairead when she was a
little girl.

Started a new family.

Who put water in the pot?

Hi, Mairead. Hi, Mairead. How are you?

I can tell you're going through a little
bit of a tough time here at the moment.

Yeah, and you're probably mad about that
tough time.

Yeah. Would you think it would help a
little if you just... if you just calmed

the fuck down?

They say getting your driver's license
is a rite of passage.

But really, it's just 50 quid an hour to
get honked at for stalling in front of

strangers.

But today's the day I can finally prove
that I'm more than just a passenger.

Wouldn't know good driving if it hit you
in the face.

My kind.

Now, boy, they have to fail a certain
percentage, boy.

Everybody knows that. It's just like a
statistic to him, right? No, it's fine.

just want to go to bed. I can't. We
don't even need a driver's license to

I know.

But I got it anyway. Shut up, mate.

You're joking me, mate.

That's like Killian Murphy with your
acting, mate. Yeah, what's my Oscar

You're like the Taoiseach or something,
mate. The King of Ireland.

Boy, we can get drive -thrus now.

Drive -thrus.

Yeah, get your manky hands off them.
They're not for you. Yes, they are. It's

party. Well, it's your party. It's my
party because we passed the driving

We? Both of you did, did you?

Well, I got to be sitting...

On the seat with the wheel, but he was
in my head, so it was like it was a

effort. Exactly, yeah. A rising tide
lifts all the boats, Maraid. What are

on about?

He's talking about tides.

Boats. A rising tide. When Jack rises,
we all rise.

Yeah. All right, well, look.

Who's this party for, so, if it's not
for your award -winning son?

Passing a test designed for teenagers
isn't exactly award -winning. It is for

you, boy.

And besides, it's Bridget's birthday.

Oh, Bridget, I see.

Bridget. Bridget is in your mind,
Bridget.

I thought you hated your mind.

I do. She's a self -centred witch.

She's a witch?

Every time I look in the mirror I see
half of her and I hate her so much I

half myself.

But if she wants the best party ever,
that's what we're going to throw her. So

you hate this woman so much that you're
going to throw her the best party you've

ever thrown in your entire life? I am
not giving her the satisfaction of

a bad word to say.

We've had... parties before.

Like, it's not that hard.

All right, I'm off to pick up the witch.

We'll come with you. No, you are not. We
will be, Jack. Come on, let's go. You

might get to drive the car if I think
about it, but she's a witch of some

After all, I really love you. Love you.

After all that we've been through.

Oh, oh, oh.

Say goodbye.

We've had some crack in this car over
the years, haven't we? You remember the

time that we went and helped you with
the fridge and you thought we murdered a

load of junk with a hammer, eh?

Car job.

Ah, come on, do it. Not do it. It's more
than that.

It's memories on wheels. Do you remember
the time we went off to Dublin to go to

therapy and then the therapist told us
that you were the one that was fucked

Can you believe that? The look on your
face.

You were like, I paid all this money for
some quack to tell me that.

That's a good one.

That's class.

Ray,

I think you're looking a little bit
tired.

Tired? Piss off, jock.

Stay to you.

You have a face like the first pancake.

You know, the bad one that comes out
unmunted and shakes so they have to

it out.

Jeez, that's a bit below the bill, no?

I just thought that maybe you could,
eh...

Just doing a break from driving is all
it is. That will keep your thoughts to

yourself. I think he's just a bit
worried you couldn't be driving in your

condition. My condition? What condition
is that?

That's all it is.

Sorry,

mate. In all seriousness, he's right,
like. Yeah. I don't think you at the

moment have the mental capacity to focus
on the road. You know, thinking about

your mammon on, that's serious stuff.

Do you know what might be a good thought
experiment?

Thought experiment?

Yeah. Did you learn that from the prison
therapist, was it? No, I remember.

Imagine, alright, that you've never met
your man.

And you're just on your way now to just
make a new friend.

So you can leave all the baggage at the
door.

Are you serious?

Man! Man!

Man!

What the fuck?

What are you doing?

That's obviously not what we meant. I
was my mam's baggage when she left me

outside the car and she took off with a
handbag full of freedom and selfishness.

So what? We're just your baggage?

Yes, you are my baggage. The type of
baggage that has no value and I get

in it because nobody else wants it.
Look, we forgive you. You're as

a bag full of mickeys. Fuck mickeys at
that.

No, no, no.

Don't you shush me. Don't you shush me.
It's okay.

We understand.

Get in.

Right, well, he should be sleeping. I
know that, Mairead, but he won't stay

down. Arrows. No.

Did you ask nicely?

Airbag. Seriously, Mairead? Not an
airbag. I can't help from here.

Animals. See the cows there, animals?

No.

Healy, what was that?

I gotta go.

I thought about giving you a clue.

It is all around us.

He's all around us. Come on, boy. Use
your brain. Come on. But there's no more

words beginning with A. I don't know.

You only get like sixes. I can't think
under this pressure.

Healy. You want me to tell you? Tell me.
That's what I said. Tell me. Why?

Air.

Air. Air.

Yeah. But you can't see air. Of course
you can, boys.

It's all around us. Yeah. I can't see
air right now, can I? I can feel the

Really? What is going on? Would you
answer me? You can feel the effects of

but you can't see air. No, no, no. Air
is see -through. You see through it.

Okay. Then why don't you call this
thing?

Why don't you call that thing? No, no,
no, no.

That's not air. That's like saying, I
spy with my little eye, W, and picking

water of A, boy. I'm bad at work, man.

Blame the tool. Yeah. I spy with my
little eye, something again with A, and

annoying fuck.

I am surrounded by adult children.

Thank you.

I spy with my little eye an absolute
ride.

Look at her.

She is like fine wine.

That's a bit of me, though. She's right
up your feet, man.

You see hot, man?

Stop hitting on your granny.

Granny? Who's granny? No,

no, no, no.

Bridget, call me mom.

Look at those muscles.

You go to the gym or what?

No, boy.

My mom said I was actually born with a
six -pack. Yeah, all the doctors took

photos of it in the hospital, you know.
Looks like a washboard to me. Yeah,

well, he's full of shit, Ari. I swear to
God.

I was almost in the paper, but I got
bummed because they found a missing

All right, Jack. Be nice.

A handsome lad like him is going to make
a lot of money. Doing what?

Being an escort?

Connor! That is disgusting.

It's just science.

Good -looking lads make more money.

He wasn't even top five best -looking
people in our school. Relax.

Relax, okay?

Rides only hang out with rides.

It reflects well on you, too.

Who says that?

Everybody. Isn't that right, Maria?

That's why she had such difficulty at
school making friends.

Weren't enough other middling children?

You're only middling, Maria.

We are done here. Jack is too young for
you. It's disgusting.

He's basically like your grandson.

No, not by blood.

She's got a point there. I mean...

Wouldn't be illegal now, would it? No,
but that doesn't make it right.

It's still messed up, all right, like,
spiritually.

Yeah, spiritually.

So why don't you just stop trying to
score with him and be normal for once?

Over this way, my lady.

Get inside there now yourself.

Enough. That is a gorgeous jacket.

Thank you.

No,

no, what are you doing?

How have you been, anyway?

Fine. No thanks to you.

It's a fine day for a drive, isn't it?
Yeah.

Beautiful blue skies, isn't it?
Brilliant.

God, he's the dead spit of your father.

You barely knew, Dad. You couldn't pick
him out of a line -up. I stayed around

long enough to have you, didn't I? What
more do you want?

Oh, no, no. That's plenty. Thank you
very much. Thank you so much for having

and then abandoning me.

But I think we should block our ears or
something. They feel sort of private,

no? I didn't abandon you, for heaven's
sakes.

I had to leave.

Well, you seem to do fine with that
other family.

Where are they now, anyway? Why aren't
you bothering them for your birthday? I

wanted to meet Neil.

His name's Noel.

Oh.

Noel, Neil, whatever.

He's still my grandson.

Also, I don't speak to the others.

We fell out.

I stayed around for a bit.

But then the boomtown rats went on tour.

You toured with them?

I followed them around, yeah.

Anyway,

I wasn't meant to be a mother.

Honestly, it's a shit job.

No, that's what I say too.

I always say, be a dad, much easier,
more fun.

Well said.

What now? He took a shit in the back.

And? I didn't even know that was a
thing.

He's pissing on me now, Red. He's
pissing on me.

Grow up and deal with it, all right?
He's your kid, too.

She always this moody.

I'll answer this one.

Yes. I even got my driver's license and
she won't let me behind the wheel. Can

you believe that? Yeah.

Even despite our condition.

I don't...

You're like a cat that's lived a
thousand lives. A thousand rides, more

Well, Van used to say that sort of stuff
to me all the time.

Van Morrison.

I used to babysit him. I've heard of
him.

You're full of shit, you know that. Van
Wharton is older than you. You couldn't

babysit him. Brown -eyed girl, that
one's about me. You have blue eyes.

It's alright to smoke in here.

No, no, I quit smoking.

Boys. Oh, yeah. Go any further and you
will be walking home. That is so unfair.

Yeah, Maria, she never told us her mum
was such a legend.

Yeah, she's like a proper lass.

Like, not a small one, like, a big one,
like.

Massive one. Yeah, well, you didn't grow
up her.

Well, yeah, neither did you.

I'm relaxing.

I was only making a good pint.

It's hot too. Yoo -hoo!

This is Killian.

He's looking for a ride.

And I said we have room.

Absolutely not.

Oh, come on. Share and share a life. No
offence, but don't you think he looks a

bit like a murderer?

Silly.

Just want to murder us.

Do you, Killian?

That's her.

See?

Was that a yes or a no?

His head's a yes, but his mouth's a no.

Look, there's no room. Fine.

But if you're not going to let my new
friend come...

Then you're going to have to let Connor
drive.

We all have to make compromises.

Fine, Connor can drive.

Holy shit!

All right, just remember what I taught
you. What we talked about, right? You

like the game.

I'll never forget you.

No, no, no, not that way. No, that way.

Ten and two. Ten and two.

Nice family.

Then there was a time when she came home
from school and told me she needed

glass. I didn't need glasses. I couldn't
see the blackboard.

I said to her, come here.

Do you see that moon up there?

I said, that moon is 400 ,000 miles
away.

What's all wrong with your eyesight?

10 and 2, okay? Yeah, you keep saying
that, but I don't know what that means.

Like a clock, okay?

10 and 10 and 2. Yeah, well, the clock's
on my phone, so that doesn't make any

sense. Let the boy just do it his way.

My phone, okay? I'll hand it how I like.
I'm just trying to help.

Okay, thanks, but don't.

Can you just... Well, you just dig back,
all right?

Shit. Thank God he's breathing.

We could do CPR.

Come on!

Jesus Christ.

You're an animal.

Sorry, like it was the humane thing to
do, Con.

Sorry, sorry, buddy, sorry.

Somebody put me out of my misery. We
can't just leave him here. We need to

him a proper burial.

Oh, you're so emotional.

You're definitely your mother's child.

Mommy's brave fellow.

So we're gathered here today to
celebrate the life of Rabbit De Niro.

He's gone, but certainly not forgotten.

Would anyone like to say a few words?

Listen.

When I go, keep these two boys away from
me with their tears, dancing and

drinking. That's the way you're supposed
to send someone off.

I'll be in the car having a fag or doing
anything other than this.

I didn't know you too well, Robert De
Niro.

I know you like Carrie.

Hopping around and shagging.

Rabbits love shagging.

Once saw a rabbit looking out the fuck.

I'm sorry for what I did to you.

Gone but not forgotten.

Oh, Danny boy.

From glen to glen and down the mountain
high,

that's the Lord God.

You're bringing my mood down.

Leave him be, will you? He'll get over
it in his own time.

That's the problem with your generation.

You're too soft on your kids. They don't
grow up.

Is that what you were doing with me, is
this?

Forcing me to grow up?

I think I was a bit young for that,
don't you? I'm getting a bit sick of

poor me stuff.

You had more than I ever had. You don't
see me complaining.

All you do is complain.

You complain about being a mother. No, I
don't want to talk about it anymore.

Yeah, well, I do.

Okay? You at least owe me that. I gave
you life.

I was sick every day for nine months,
cooking you inside me. What more do you

want?

A mother.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

Dramatic?

You abandoned me. You took the easy way
out.

I didn't want a kid.

Right, right.

Yeah, but I didn't bail on him, did I?

Well, somehow it's always about you.

And it's my birthday.

It is never about me. It's literally
never about me. I wish for just once it

about me.

Your yelling is exhausting me. I'm going
to have a nap.

Have your nap.

I hope you don't wake up.

I might try for a nap too.

No, please, come on. I'm not trying to
do it here, all right?

Give me

a

chance, all right?

It's pop to time.

Hello.

Are we glad to see you?

How was it?

Fine. She's still asleep in the car.
Probably a drunken coma.

How is she? I'm just the idiot who
ruined everybody's life. So how would I

Bridget?

Sleepyhead.

Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.

Bridget?

Bridget, I'm Tony. Oh, Jesus.

Okay, okay, don't panic.

Don't panic. Pulse.

Oh, shit, okay.

No pulse.

Marie! Marie!

She's done this on purpose.

We shouldn't be doing this. We should be
informing the guards. You are the

guards. Consider yourself informed.

Keep her legs up, will you?

She's heavy.

You must be heavy.

Oh, God.

Do you think I should give her a hug?

A hug's not going to bring her back to
life, is it? No, Jack.

Not her.

The other one.

The funeral home said they can't come
and pick her up until tomorrow.

What, so like she's just staying the
night here?

Yeah.

Why? Do you think we'll get to eat the
dinner?

We have some respect, but her mum's
dead.

I'm starving. We don't want to date if
we don't want to eat soon.

You know, I can hear you two idiots.

Our hands are up. Yeah.

We should eat.

We promised her we'd throw her the best
party we could, so that's what we're

going to do.

Love, I think you might still be in
shock.

She's not going to ruin the party we're
throwing for her by deciding to die.

One question.

Does she still have a soul?

Yeah.

Or is that daddy's wife?

Is anybody doing good stuff?

Not so bad, you know.

Yeah. Except for the prick dad and
stuff.

Yeah. Except for that.

This isn't right.

It's too much salt.

No, she's over there on her own like and
this is supposed to be her party.

Why did I have to be the one sat next to
her?

But I'm not doing that, that's creepy.

A

toast

to the old witch.

To the only one we wish.

Here.

Granny, do you want some?

Want me to wait for him?

Want some of that night?

Yeah.

Now we go steady to the pictures.

I always get chocolate stains on my
pants.

And my father, he's going crazy.

He says I'm living in a trance. But I'm
dancing in the moonlight.

It's got me in its spotlight.

We're all to dance. It would definitely
be a legal note.

On this long...

Happy birthday, ma 'am.

I threw this party for you. I hope you
liked it.

I don't know why I did. You wouldn't
have done it for me.

You never did anything for me.

When I had Connor, I was all alone, and
you weren't there for me.

All I needed was someone to talk to and
tell me everything was going to be all

right.

It's all I needed and you weren't there
for me.

And I miss my mom.

And I love my mom.

Can I just wish you love me back?

I'm so sorry. I was a shit mom.

Don't say that.

But I was scared and I was young.

so much. I'd never have it any other
way. You know that.

You did your best, man.

You always did your best.

And you know what? In some way, I'd say
she did too.

But I was better than her, though,
wasn't I?

Oh, yeah, way better.

To Bridget.

Hiya. To Bridget.

And to Moray.

Right?

To Moray.

He always knows I'm about to sparkle.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let Healy get it.

Even a bomb going off wouldn't wake that
man.

One thing about being a man is that once
you are one, it never ends.

And a job that never ends, that's got to
be the toughest job in the world.

Right. See you, Granny.

So just maybe we should give all mothers
a break.

Because even the ones that do jump ship,
they've already done more work than any

man. They deserve a rest.

Rest in peace, Granny Bridget.

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