All language subtitles for The Young Offenders s05e02.eng

Cork. God don't count it. The city that
never sleeps.

Except at night time.

The greatest and largest city in all of
Ireland.

If you don't count Dublin.

Which we don't.

And now Cork's two most notorious sons,
Conor McQueenie and Jocko Key, finally

back together in Ireland's city of
dreams.

Why this place does my head in?

Yeah, why me too?

I mean, I really love Cork.

I obviously love Cork. Yeah, but it does
my head in as well. Yeah, exactly.

Why does it do your head in?

Just checking out if it does your head
in the same way it does my head in.

Well, there's dickheads vaping on e
-bikes everywhere.

And since I came home, boy, everything's
got ten times more expensive.

Stop telling me.

Boy, beer's ten times more expensive,
fags are more expensive, Freddos are

expensive. Yeah, you've got to be rich
to live in Cork now, boy.

Boy, if there's one thing Colombian jail
taught me...

If you want to survive in this world,
you've got to be more Escobar.

That's the one thing Columbia did,
aren't you?

Well, that and how to shove a burner
phone up my hood.

Sorry, madam.

What are you looking at? What?

I wear Italian, I drive German, but I
speak English. Do you speak English?

English? Yes.

Well, I just asked you the plainest
English I know. What are you looking at,

little screw?

Like a woman priest?

I'll tell you what you're looking at.
You're looking at seven years

for actual bodily harm, another five
years for harassment, and maybe another

for criminal damage to a very expensive
pair of designer shoes.

And I will insist that you serve them
consecutively.

Oh.

It means one year after another, you
tick prick.

You're a lucky, lucky boy that I'm due
in court in about six minutes and I

have time for this harsh shit.

Now repeat back to me so I know you
understand. What are you? Lucky, lucky,

lucky boy.

Yes, you are. Now, papers.

I'll be there in two minutes!

Who the hell was that?

That's Molly O'Mulloy.

Cork's best lawyer boy. She got two lads
off her gangland hit when you were in

Columbia. He was attacked, his reflexes
kicked in and just because it ended in

decapitation doesn't mean that's not
self -defense.

Why, I think I'm in love.

Yeah, she wouldn't be interested in us
anyway.

She kind of deals with big -time
criminals.

Got to kill about five people and chop
up their bodies and put them in chest

freezers for us to be on her radar,
like.

Jeez, boy, yeah, that is a little too
Escobar. Besides, she's too expensive.

Boy, this is what I'm saying, boy.

We have to get rich.

Because only rich people can afford
lawyers like that that actually keep you

of prison.

There's only one way to get rich around
here.

Yes, boy, I like it.

Be more Escobar and become proper
gangsters.

Boys gonna say get jobs. That's way
better idea.

Yeah, boy, you know it.

Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do?
What you gonna do when they come for

What are we gonna do, Joss?

We're gonna go on a crime spree, boy.

Like the olden days. But better.

Because we're older and wiser now. Do
you know what I mean? We're definitely

older. All we have to do is focus on the
expensive shit that's easy to sell.

Because that's how we make the most
dollar.

Dollar? You mean euros?

What? No, dollars, like.

The gangsters, they're dollars.

That's because the gangsters you're
thinking of are American.

Well, it doesn't matter, right?

Well,

I need to be shocked.

Make a list, okay? And keep sketching,
okay?

So, what we're talking... Gold.

Jewelry.

Bracelets. Rings.

Tools.

Sandals.

White socks.

White Sox. Name?

White Sox.

We... Wait, what? White Sox?

Small, sellable, everyone wears white
socks.

They're not exactly expensive, though,
are they, like white socks? Six pack of

white socks will get you back about 20
quid, do you think?

20 quid? Easily, mate.

Shut... Really?

You've been away too long, Kate.

All right, come on, let's do this.
Right.

Why, no. No, boy, get the mask.

All right, boy, no, I need to stretch or
something for it. What, no, boy, we

don't have time for that, all right?

Let's do this now, okay? One big hit in
and out job, okay?

Five minutes tops. I haven't done
anything in a while. Five minutes. Five

minutes, boy.

That's how long it takes to get here
from Bridewell Garda Station once the

alarm's been raised.

All right, is that why you asked me to
bring the mask? Yes, give me the mask,

boy. The masks are our trademark.

Yeah, come on.

Jock found this site on the internet
where you could send them photos of

and they'd send you back a mask to their
face.

So we sent him a photo of Billy Markley,
the local nut job. You think, Billy?

It meant Billy got the blame for all our
crimes.

Go on, get your tongue off me. Shut up!
Jack got me a mask, too.

Quick, put that on.

It's all they had in the Halloween shop.
And thus, we became legends around

court. Fake Billy and Prince David.
Who's the girlfriend?

I'm not his girlfriend!

It was time to build our criminal
empire.

Again, like.

Wait, wait.

What are you doing? Wait a second. Wait
a second.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Get out of the fucking way!

Get out of the fucking way! Get out of
the fucking way!

Get out of the fucking

way!

All right, you go and get the bike and
I'll go after him, all right?

I love bins.

Jeez, we're getting too fucking old for
this shit.

And what did we get away with?

Some shitty phone case and three white
socks.

That's it.

We'll only be able to get a Freddo with
that. We're going to have to come up

with a plan B. We'll be back in prison
in no time if we don't change another

plan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.

Why are you even listening to me?

You know, two little shits over there.

Yeah?

So what?

So what if they saw us on the crime
screen and they tell the guard?

Why would they do that? Why would
everybody hate the guards?

I know they might not tell you. Oh,
shit.

It is them.

All right.

Hold still, Adam.

Who do you think it was?

Drake, Billy and Princess.

We saw them taking flight from the
chairs a minute ago.

No.

There's just two langers in the bin.
Come on.

What?

They were not just two langers in the
bin. Yeah?

You don't know. He might be fake, Billy.
Yeah, I might be, but maybe I'm not.

But maybe I am.

Prove it, sir.

I don't need to fucking prove anything
to you two langers.

Here, what, Barbara, did your hair cut
so he can know where not to go? Your

All right, shit.

That's where we're going, right? All I
see is a prick with a condom on his

shoulder. What?

We don't have a condom on the shoulder.
Jesus, boy. What the fuck? You put that

there. Get up.

Don't throw it at me. Don't throw it at
me.

What about that, huh?

Holy shit.

Oh,

that's less cool, but nice to meet you.

And where have you been?

I haven't seen you fake Billy around the
place at all. I was in prison, boy. I

was doing some time there in Columbia.

Can we film you saying that so we can
snap it to the boys?

Snap it to the boys?

I've no idea what you're talking about.
You know, like, selfie, like, you know?

We don't do selfies. No, don't do that
kind.

What, with a hand, sir?

I'll give you a hand, Chase, yeah?

Nice to meet you, boys.

You seem like nice young lads, you're
going. Hey, get over here.

See you later, buddy. Get in!

Fast.

In fairness, like, Daddy, something we
would have done.

Cheeky little bastards, but, yeah, I
suppose fair play, like.

Yeah.

Bye.

We might be a bit past it, but are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

Maybe. Eh?

What are you thinking?

The time we took on some new blood.

No, I was thinking of getting out of the
bin.

I don't know.

I suppose.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but that's
because they didn't have any dumb little

langurs to do their dirty work. We heard
you wanted to see us. Yeah.

Maybe we did, maybe we didn't.

We did. Watch.

Don't do that again.

What's with the gap?

We thought fake Billy and Princess would
have something with an all -bigger.

I know. I thought it would become like a
mansion with a pool and all that. We're

just laying low, aren't we? Just the
front.

That's how you don't get caught, boy.
Yeah. And the back is way better. It's

massive. You can call it Connor and Jack
from now on, alright?

I forward you, yeah?

Alright? Now listen up, boys, alright?

It's time me and Con pass on our wisdom
and expertise to the younger generation.

That's us? That's you, yeah.

You're going to be our foot soldiers,
alright?

And me and Con are going to be the dons.
Bring us back expensive, sellable goods

that you rob from the shopping centres
and in return, you get 10%. Lex,

commission, handling fees, admin, taxes,
etc.

It's the free market.

Now does that sound like a good deal to
you?

Yep,

amazing deal.

Gee, boy, you do sound like a younger
us.

Thanks, Conor. It means a lot, boy. Hi.

Um, while we're here, is there any
chance you can hear some stories from

hottest mode, like, say, Billy and
Princess stuff?

Oh, well, we don't know about that.

If we could do you one better, we could
tell you ourselves.

Yeah.

Okay.

One time we were being shit, and we left
clean from two skyscrapers.

Ran off into the night.

There was also that time we single
-handedly fought off a mugger who held

night point. Do we look like we got
wallets?

No, go on. And there was that time we
were under siege and we dodged a hail of

bullets.

There was also that time we robbed a
tuna worth half a million quid.

You guys are legends.

Yeah, we know.

Before you go, lads, would you like a
smoke?

That was the taste.

Noodles fail. On your way to go home.

Go home and go to bed, yeah? Don't be
smoky. Or else you'll be sleeping with

fishes if you don't bring us back the
stuff.

Yeah.

Being an entrepreneur has its
difficulties.

Mainly pronouncing entrepreneur right.
That's about it.

The rest is easy. This is the life.

Running the operation instead of being
the foot -holder.

Yeah, boy.

I'm the king of Cork City!

This is what I meant by being more
Escobar.

Yeah. I... Actually, I looked more into
him, boy. Oh, yeah? He did some pretty

crazy things.

Yeah, boy. The original bad, boy. Yeah.

Kidnappings. Yeah. Corruption.

Intimidation. One of a kind. One of a
kind. Car bombing.

Plane bombing, actually.

There was a violence against civilians.

Yeah, but no one's perfect, okay? Terror
campaign, some political

assassinations, and he just actually
wiped out loads of culture, right? But

look, I didn't say follow him to the
letter, all right? I just said be a bit

more, man. Just a bit.

Yeah, I can be a bit more, about. Yeah.
The next thing we need is a henchman,

you know?

Somebody who can, like, bash heads for
us.

Right. All right.

Who are we going to get?

Flex. Flex up.

Thanks for the opportunity.

You know, as my colleague said to you on
the phone earlier, we're looking to

expand the organisation.

We are.

We're kind of criminalised now, so we're
forming a bit of a gang.

All right.

Can I get involved?

What do you think we phoned you for?

We're looking for a heavy.

I am quite heavy.

So I could put rocks in my pocket.

We might need you to bash a few heads
for us.

Try to do that anyway.

The pay is pretty terrible.

It is. You know what they say, you know?

Do what you love and you'll never work a
day in your life.

You'll never work a day in your life.

That's beautiful.

That's pretty good. All right, Billy.

Welcome aboard.

Thanks very much.

The boys are back in town.

Yeah. Teach a man to fish and he'll get
you a fish.

Teach a couple of lads to steal and you
get all kinds of shit.

Boom.

What are we supposed to do with that?
Want me to bash their heads in.

Do you know how expensive a pack of
nappies are gone?

And a six -pack of white socks will set
you back about 20 euros these days.

Yeah.

Shit, he said a six -pack of white socks
would set you back about 20 euros.

Oh, you want me to bash their heads?

Talk to me, please.

Well, you taught her wrong, didn't you?

How are we supposed to build an empire
on nappies and socks?

No, do you want me to bash their heads
in? No. Yeah, especially this fella

Not no, Billy, not no. We're really
sorry.

I promise you we can do better. Just
give us one chance, please.

Alright, one more chance boys.

Pack this shit up and get back out
there. Alright, good.

What's going on here?

Yeah,

my bullshit meter just exploded. There's
a shop up the road half price sales,

better get yourself a new one.

Alright, I'm going to ask you one more
time, what's going on here?

Alright, the truth is, the reason we
haven't told you...

The reason we haven't told you is
because we have a reputation to uphold

Jack, but since he got back, we've
realized the error in our ways. So we've

mentoring young lads in DSA.

So the first are these two young fellas,
Jack and Karma. Hi.

Is that the truth, lad?

Yeah.

Billy, what are you doing here?

Definitely not bashing heads anyway,
Maria.

Wait a second.

What's in the bag?

Nappies and socks.

Nappies and socks.

Yeah. Go on, go on.

The nappies and socks, look.

We're handing them out to the people
that are in need of them, the nappies

the socks.

Yeah. We're supplying them to young
mams.

Oh, wow.

That's amazing.

It is.

All right, keep up the good work, lads,
all right?

And listen to Conor and Jock because
they know what they're talking about,

right? We will.

We do.

They might be proud of Conor and Jock.

They're going to be sick.

Bye, lads. Thanks a million, ma 'am.

See you now. You look beautiful today,
eh?

You look hot and red.

Shut up, John.

With Mam and Healy off our back... Me
and Jock were finally getting some much

-needed rest and relaxation.

Connor, get up off your lazy arse and do
something productive with the day!

Mairead, to be fair, they're probably
wrecked from all their mentoring.

Okay? I know how hard it is to keep the
pricks in check.

Quick, pick up that shit. Act like we're
litter picking. What? Pick up that

shit. Act like we're litter picking.

They're good lads, aren't they?

Yeah.

I might get them to have a look at the
garden.

Oh, they're alright, yeah.

What time do you call these?

We got to start.

We can come back, though. Whatever you
want.

No, do you want to show us now? No, I
don't.

What did your dog say? I didn't, but it
looked proper, eh?

Oh, kind of. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the word I'm talking about. There
we go, mate.

There we go.

Class, well done. Good stuff, yeah.

Happy day. Are you pleased?

Yeah, I'm very pleased, mate. Delighted?
Yeah, I'm a fair billion princess

proud. Boys, you're like the dads we
never had. Yeah.

Dads. Dads. Yeah.

Yeah, can we not be like your cool older
brothers or uncles or something?

You have your own dad. We don't need to
be them, don't you?

Nah.

Our dad left when we were babies. It's
just the two of us and a man.

Well, all I can say is fair play.

Well done.

We're very proud of you. Get out there.
Go get him. Go get him.

We have a few more people that want to
get involved.

Yeah, if that's all right with you.

Look.

Me and Jock like to think of our
business as carbon neutral.

Robbing shit doesn't do nothing bad to
the environment.

It's about sustainability.

Self -sustainability.

We take, we sell.

And sometimes we rob the same shit back
from the people we sold it to. That's

called recycling.

Doing your bit for the planet. Be the
change you want to see in the world.

Preferably the kind of change that
jingles in your pocket.

Like the guitarist from the video, I'm
being new friends.

Forgotten, wasted, you know, seen.

I'm a bunch of getting sent to the food
bin.

What

are you boys

up to?

Hey. No. Hey.

Stretching.

The perpetrators of this crime spree
appear to be predominantly young males.

It seems there's nothing they won't
steal.

Give him back! Give him back!

These little pricks are running rings
around us.

Those thieving little shits could do
with a bit of guidance from you lads.

Well, if you want to send any of them
our way, I'm sure. I'm sure me and Con

could put them to work. Yeah, exactly.

If only.

We can't get our hands on any of them.

Whoever's running this operation knows
exactly what they're doing.

They're geniuses.

We're probably quite big dick, would you
say, Jack?

Healy?

No way.

That's the main thing. Okay, I'll be
there straight away.

Tony? They're after catching two lads.
The duty sergeant thinks they might be

the ringleaders.

Hey, Jack.

Brilliant news, brilliant news.

I've got my book right there.

Boy, they got Jack and Carmel. We don't
know that for sure, all right?

And anyway, boy, we've got loads more of
them working for us now, all right? So

we can take the hit, OK?

What? Take the hit?

Yes. Why'd they look up to us? We're
responsible for them. You're not

responsible for them, boy. You need to
start thinking more Escobar, boy, OK?

What would Escobar do?

Actually, boy, I googled him on Escobar.
I think he'd, like, cut off their ears

and burned their village down. So we're
not doing that.

That's a bit of an overreaction.

We don't even know where they live,
so... Besides, boy, they said we're like

their dad.

We are not like dad to them, OK?

We didn't even have dad, so how could we
even be dad to them?

The way I see it is, it's Hakuna Matata.

What's Hakuna Matata?

Hakuna Matata. It means tough shit.

Connor, Jock, downstairs, now!

Matata!

Nice, nice place.

We arrested Cormac and Jack.

Fuck, boy.

And they told us everything.

Little shits, boy. I'm going to knock
their heads in, boy. I don't even care

old they are, boy. No, Jack. Especially
a little small fella. No, Jack, I know.

Look, before you say anything... They
told us that their community work with

was just a front to avoid suspicion.

I'm so sorry, lads.

Seems they've played us all for fools.

You especially.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say fools.

And if they are fools, I'd say they're
fools with really big dicks.

They also said that you told them to
stay away from crime.

Yeah, we did give them a lot of advice.

And that was one of them. You said stay
away from crime.

I really hope that it doesn't stop you
from working with young lads in the

future, all right? I promise you,
Mairead.

It definitely won't. Yeah, there is not
much that could keep Jack away from

young boys.

No. But would you say that maybe the
fact that they confessed, surely that

counts for a dime a dozen and you'll go
easy on them.

No, we're going to throw the book at
them. They'll get 18 months if they get

day. More if I have anything to do with
it.

You're going to throw a book at them?

We have to help the lad. Yeah, we've got
to get him off.

And I know someone who can.

What?

Oh, really?

I mean, they're 15, but if it helps, it
helps.

No, Jack, not get them all.

Get them all.

What, Molly O'Malley?

No chance coming by. There's no way we
can afford her.

This says we can.

You are enough, short king, like ten
times.

No, not that.

Why, what's that? Just read that.

7 ,800 euros.

I know kind no way you should... Next

up, Hormuc Byrne and Jack Byrne

versus the state.

Who is representing the defendant?

Well, it looks like that would be my
sweet answer, Your Honour.

Oh, bollock. There must be some mistake,
Miss O'Malloy.

Min... Pardon?

It's Miss.

There must be some mistake, Miss
O'Molloy.

Miss.

Pardon? I've changed my mind now. It's
Miss.

Well, I don't think this is the time.
Oh, Judge Riley in courtroom sexism

Apologies, Miss O'Molloy.

Accepted. Now let's get this charade
over with, shall we?

Oh, I'm fucked.

Judge, members of the court.

These two unknown perpetrators in this
video, sure, they could be anybody.

There is no real or compelling evidence
in this case.

The charges against my clients are
farcical, which I will now prove.

Like if the glove does not fit, you must
acquit.

That glove fits.

You can't handle the truth.

I can handle the truth, Philly.

Well, in fact, these two young men had
nothing to do with the crime, Your

Majesty.

No more questions.

I have one simple question, Sergeant
Healy.

Where were you on 9 -11?

Come on, seriously.

Miss O'Malloy, do you have any questions
for Sergeant Healy that are related to

this case?

Okay, Sergeant Healy. When you
questioned the defendant, was there a

present?

No.

We had a very limited window, you see,
to catch their accomplices. No, we'll

Sergeant. Judge, I demand that the
defendant's interview get the truck out,

because clearly there's no cause.

Case dismissed.

What? Oh, God.

Ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Well done, lads, for getting away with
that. Why didn't you start with that

yeah? Sure, where's the fun in that?

You're actually our heroes, man. We are
so lucky to have mentors like you. Like,

genuinely, you taught us how to steal,
right? Until we got arrested for it,

right? And then you hired an amazing
lawyer to bust us out just to prove,

that stealing doesn't pay?

How genius is that?

Boys. Yeah.

Genius, boys. Genius, genius, boys.

That was the plan. I believe it. Yeah.

Yeah.

Chris, do you want to go for a pint?

Yeah! Yeah?

Danfell's no, that was a test.

Fade. Now go on, go home.

Go on. Go on! Go home.

Your legs don't work. All right.

That was just Escobar enough.

Everybody wears their watch.

Watch everybody.

All right.

He's a slimy boy.

Okay, boy, all right. They owe us, okay?
We got them off. We got them off. He's

taking my watch again. All right, we're
going to make double the amount. We're

not doing it.

Look at all the work we put in, and we
still have no money.

It's too much work for nothing.

I'm pretty stressed with being asked
about it, all right? It is, boy. I told

you.

All right, grind.

Getting too old for this shit, boy.

All right, but what are we going to do
about him, then?

Hey, Billy Murphy, you step in here
please a minute How you doing? Yes,

Yeah, basically, eh, basically we've
thought about the whole operation and

we've decided that as great as you are
in the role, we're gonna go a different

direction.

Are you firing me?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, we're making you redundant.

Yeah.

Who are you calling redundant?

Jesus Christ in the ass! Sorry about
that lad.

Lost some memory lad.

Jesus Christ!

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