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Original subtitles

[Jenn]. Have�you�seen�Chelsea�Nakamura?

Chelsea!

[Chelsea�groaning]

Chels?

[gasps]�There�she...

Chels?

Hey.

So�I�think�that�we should�try�something�new

for�the�Save�the�Whales�Day.

Okay.�We�usually�do�the charity�golf�tournament

and�no�one�complains.

I�know.

That's�because�everyone�finds it�too�boring�for�words.

You�mean�you're�too�bored?

That's�correct. I�find�it�boring.

I�don't�mind�being�the whistleblower�here.

What's�your�idea?

Ahem.�Okay.

Photo�calendar, our�employees,

but�in�very�flattering lighting,�obviously.

We�sell�it.�Boom!

Money�for�whales.

Like�a�firefighter�calendar?

Yeah.�Tasteful.�Classy.

You�haven't�organized�anything since�your�dog's�quinceanera.

No.�But�I�learned a�lot�from�that.

Fine.

If�it�keeps�you outta�my�office,

off�email,

and�away�from�anything that'll�concuss�ya,

I�call�that�a�win.�For�me.

Yes!

You�won't�regret�it, Chelsea.�Promise.

Oh,�bar�is�so�low,�Jenn.

[Jenn�laughing]

I�know!�So�low!

It's�basically�in�the Earth's�core,�Jenn.

Yeah,�but�that's�where�the diamonds�are�made,�baby!

[rock�music]

[rock�music�fades]

So,�for�our�annual�Save�the Whales�fundraiser�this�year,

we're�doing�something�a little�outside�the�box.

We�are�gonna�make a�photo�calendar

that�is�going�to�showcase twelve�of�our�employees.

I'm�calling�it

'Hard�Hat�Hotties.'

This�is�what�I�came�back�for? -�Okay.

[Dewey]. I�like�the�alliteration.

Why�only�twelve�employees?

Because�there's�twelve�months in�a�calendar�year,�genius.

Ohhhh.

How�is�this�fundraising?

Whales�don't�care�how we�raise�funds,�Janet.

They�just�wanna�swim.

That's�what�fish�do.

What�happened�to�the golf�tournament?

I�bought�a�new�glove and�a�pair�of�spikes.

We're�switching�things up�this�year,�Todd.

But�the�golf�tournament�is the�only�day�of�the�year

we�can�be�day�drunk and�get�paid�for�it.

[in�unison]�Yeah! -�Here�here!

So�we're�gonna�unveil the�cover�this�weekend

at�that�janky�gross�bar you�people�love�so�much.

Chelsea,�can�we�get that�inflatable�orca

set�up�right�out front�the�venue?

It's�an�inflatable�whale�shark

but�who�cares�about accuracy,�right?

Nerd.

I've�done�a�bit�of catalogue�work�before.

What�kinda�looks you�going�for?

[scoffs]�Yeah�right.

What's�your�problem?

Editorial,�mostly.

Um,�tradespeople�just�doing their�job,�you�know,�but�spicy.

[Homer]. Yeah,�'cause�nothing sells�calendars

like�Roach's�sweaty�ass�crack, right�Jenny?

[in�unison]�Ew!

Good�to�have�you�back,�Homer.

Are�our�clothes like�on�or�off?

On!

This�is�a�work�event.

You�must�wear proper�safety�gear.

Thank�you.

I�mean,�whales don't�wear�clothes

so�I'm�thinking�like clothing�optional?

What�kind�of�backdoor argument�is�that?

No,�no,�no,�no,�no,�no.

[chatter�droning�loudly]

Everyone's�clothes�stay�on!

Let's�just�say�that�I agree�to�model�for�this.

What's�to�stop�someone from�using�my�picture

to�do�nasty�stuff?

[Jenn]. No�one�is�jerking off�to�you,�Janet.

Let's�make�that�very�clear right�here�right�now.

This�is�about�something bigger�than�ourselves,�right?

Orcas. -�Whale�sharks!

I�don't�care.

Okay.�If�anyone�actually wants�to�participate,

sign�the�sheet.

If�not,�no�biggie.

Now�back�to�work.

And�remember, this�is�voluntary.

Strongly�encouraged. -�Voluntary.

See�you�there.

[Chelsea]. Free�will.

Free�your�willy.

[Chelsea]. No�means�no!

Not�really. You're�my�employee.

I'm�ready.

Well,�people�are�constantly staring�at�my�fart�blaster

all�day�anyways,

someone�oughta�make some�money�out�of�it.

Ooh,�yeah!

For�the�whales!

What�do�you�think,�Audrey?

You�gonna�sign�up?

You�have�such�a interesting�look.

Like�a,�like�a�gal�who�cleans her�own�wounds�with�vodka.

Well,�I�think�I'm�here to�be�a�carpenter,

not�a�calendar�model.

Well,�it's�for�charity.

Well,�if�we�were�doing�a raffle�or�a�blood�drive

like�every�other�refinery?

I'd�show�up�for�that.

Like�a�blood�drive�for�whales?

What?

No,�for�people.

I�didn't�think�that whale-to-human�transfusions

were�even�possible.

Like,�what�are�you picturing�a�whale

hooked�up�to, like,�a�giant�IV?

I�mean,�so�much�blood.

Audrey,�if�you're�looking to�get�out�of�this,

and�I�fully�support�that,

we�need�someone�who�can�blow up�the�inflatable�whale.

Done. -�Oh,�thanks.

She'd�rather�blow�Shamu than�get�her�picture�taken.

Mmmhmm. [Tanner�chuckling]

You�like�that? You�can�help�her.

Fuck.

You�will�not�pressure,�coerce or�guilt�anyone�to�participate.

Fine.

Totally.�Done.

[mellow�lighthearted�music]

Whales�will�die,�Todd!

Look,�you're�the�GF.

If�you�don't�do�it, nobody�will!

Nope.

I've�worked�here�long�enough to�know�how�these�things�go.

I'm�not�dropping�my�pants.

Nobody�needs�to�see�that.

What,�you're�worried�about that�whole�thing�there?

Because�we�can�crop�it.

Or,�you�know,�we�can frame�you�elbows�up.

AI�does�amazing�things�now.

What�do�you�want?

What? -�To�do�it.

'Cause�I'm�not�above�bribery.

I'm�not�above�being�bribed.

Double-time.�OT�meal.

[Jenn�sighing]

Fine.�Pizza?

Chicken�Parmesan. -�Chicken�Parmesan?�Oh!

Who�the�fuck�do�we�think we�are,�Mariah�Carey?

And�dessert.

Lava�cake.

You�greedy�little�bitch.

[mellow�lighthearted�music]

Fine!

Just�get�them�to�sign�up.

You�got�it,�boss.

[chatter�droning]

Listen�up!

[chatter�droning]

Can�everybody�shut up�for�a�minute?

Who�wants�Friday afternoon�off,

double-time�pay,

Chicken�Parmesan�OT�meal�to do�this�dumbass�calendar?

Yeah,�fucking�right.

Chicken�Parmesan�for�everyone?

Jesus.

Come�on,�if�I'm�doing�this, you�guys�fucking�are.

Chicken�Parm,�people!

Throw�in�some�garlic�balls.

So�this�isn't�the Olive�Garden,�Steph.

Fine.�Garlic�balls.�Jeez.

Yo,�what's�up? -�Cheese�and�garlic�balls.

Oh,�that�was�my nickname�in�high�school

'cause�of�how�it�smelt.

Wow. -�[Roach]�����My�balls.

We�have�that�full�facial coupon�and�the�free�arm�wax.

We're�in. -�We'll�do�it.

Anyone�else? -�Nice.

All�right,�you�want�an ass�that�can�move�product?

Taser's�your�man. I�see�myself�as�Mr.�April.

Okay,�I'm�out.

That's�what�I'm�talking�about!

Maybe�even�a�Mr.�May.

I'll�do�it! -�Sign�me�up�twice,�man.

[whispers]�Hey,�this�is�good.

This�is�good.

Oh,�ah,�ah. Screw�it.�Screw�it.

Hey. -�Oh�yes!

What�are�you�guys�doing?

Hey. -�That's�quite�the�noises.

[Backwoods]. Uhhhh...

Apparently,�I�gotta�do this�calendar�crap.

Be�a�leader, set�an�example,

blah,�blah,�blah.

Right.�Right.

You�want�tips�on training�or�something?

From�you?�What�a�joke.

Look�at�this. It's�fucking�steel.

Well,�maybe.

Really?

Oh�shit.�Well,�I�don't�know.

You've�probably�talked to�Marcus�about�it

but�first�thing's�first,

is�you�gotta�lose the�foreman�fifteen.

And�then�you�gotta want�it,�brother,

and�you�gotta�want�it�bad.

You�gotta�want�it more�than�bread.

Nope.

You�gotta�want�it more�than�beer.

Nope.

You�gotta�want�it more�than�joy�itself.

This�is�gonna�fucking�suck.

Yep. -�It�will�fucking�suck.

It's�gonna�suck�worse�than the�biggest,�greasiest,

dirtiest�dick�you've ever�seen�in�your�life.

And�you're�gonna�suck�it�for breakfast,�lunch�and�dinner.

Oh�yeah? -�Yes.

And�you're�gonna�enjoy�it.

I'll�do�what�it�takes.

The�training�begins�now.

Let's�go. -�Aw.

When�he�pukes,�you�clean�it.

[upbeat�rock�music]

[Backwoods]. Run�up�them�fucking�stairs

like�you'll�never�run�again!

You're�not�a fucking�electrician!

You're�a�fucking�pipe fitter�running�up!

6:00�AM�wasn't�part of�the�deal,�man.

Neither�was�greatness. Now�get�moving!

Go�slow�or�you'll�blow�your colon�right�outta�your�anus!

I�think�I�just�did.

Good!�Shit�yourself!

Dang�it!�You�lift.

You�dig�like�you're digging�in�the�couch

for�your�last�two�bucks.

There�ain't�no�quitting�you, Todd�Stool.

What�the�fuck�are�you�doing?

Get�whippin'!

?�It�was�the�suit that�got�me�the�gig

?�It�was�the�tears that�got�me�the�girl�?

Sucker.

Discipline�and focus�at�all�times.

Do�not�eat�that!

Be�one�with�hunger.

Punch�the�fuck�out�of�him!

Punch�his�fat�old fucking�guts�out!

["Someone�Who's�Cool"�by�Odds]

?�Soul�like�a�thimble

?�Swallowed�up�in�symbols

?�Wanting�what�I�don't�need

?�If�sympathy's�the�answer�?

[Backwoods]. What�the�fuck?

You're�cheating,�you�fuck.

What�the�fuck?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Train!

Igne,�igne,�igneous.

Roach,�what�are you�talking�about?

[Roach]. Rocks,�man,�rocks.

That's�it. -�Hello�talent.

What�the�hell�is�this?

[Jenn]. I�hired�him.

He's�our�photographer.

You�hired�Dewey?

Uh-huh. -�What�are�his�qualifications?

Well,�number�one, he�owns�a�camera.

And�yep,�that�is 90%�of�the�job.

Honestly,�I�can't�even�think of�what�the�other�10%�would�be,

so�I�guess�that might�be�the�whole�job.

Yeah,�this�is�gonna be�a�train�wreck.

[Jenn]. What�are�you�thinking?

I'm�gonna�scout�the�plant,

look�for�some�shadows that�hit�the�cement

in�a�way�that,�uh, you�know,�speaks�to�me.

Ooh.�[giggles] -�Yeah.

Oh,�we�are�gonna make�some�magic.

Yes.

He's�an�artiste.�Muah!

More�like�fartiste.

She�said�she'd�be�here.

Um,�she�did�throw�a�piece�of bologna�at�me�at�the�same�time

so�it�could�be...

All�right.

Good�garlic�balls,�Jenn.

Okay.�You�know�what?

How�are�you�with�props?

I'm�a�fucking�pro,�Dewey.

Because�I�have�a friend�for�you.

And�you�know�what?

I�think�he's�hungry,�Steph.

I�think�he's�a hungry�little�fella.

Why�don't�we,�why�don't�we give�him�a�little�nibble,�huh?

There�we�go.

Yeah,�he's�got�an�appetite.

Oh�he�likes�it.

Yes. -�[Jenn]���������Nice.

Oh�yes. Very�nice,�Steph,�yeah.

Oh�he's�a�hungry�little�boy.

He�appreciates�it,�Steph.

Okay,�this�is�fucking�stupid.

I'm�done.

Chicken�parm.

Mmm.

You�didn't�want�to�eat�that after�the�shoot,�Roach?

No,�I'm�good,�man.

Okay,�I�can�do�this.

I�can�do�this,�yeah.

[Roach]�����It's�okay. -�Okay.

Okay,�I�need�you�to focus�though,�Roach.

I�need�you�to�focus,�okay?

Not�on�the�parm!�On�me!

Okay,�this�is�how�they�do in�the�magazines,�probably.

I�think.�I�read�it�once.

[Barb]. I�gotta�show�off�my�new�nails.

So�these�are�new.

Oh. -�Catch�those.

Mine�are�cute,�too. -�Okay.

They're�something. -�I'm�zooming�in.

I'm�zooming�in,�ladies. That's�it.

Okay. -�Get�Momma.�Big�Momma.

[in�unison]�Big�Momma.

Oh�my�god!�Yeah. I�want�ya�to,

I�want�you�to�open that�Big�Momma�booty.

Come�on. -�Surprise!

Big�Momma�booty! Big�Momma�booty!

Big�Momma�booty!

That's�it.�That's�the�shot.

Yes.�Oh,�Darth welder�in�the�house.

Oh,�I'm�feeling�some�sparks down�south�of�this�weld�band.

Are�you�sure�that�you�have�never done�this�before�because...

I�got�more�gas�in�the�tank.

I�wanna�give�you guys�some�options.

We�like�options. -�Oh,�I�like�options.

Okay,�what�if�I,�uh,

wear�my�welding�helmet on�my�junk�like�this,

to�imply�danger?

Ooh,�someone's�got some�skin�in�the�game.

Ooh,�if�we're�gonna go�that�route,�Tase,

I�think�we�need to�pop�a�button.

Ooh. -�Ooh.

Okay,�I'm�just�gonna just�do�a�little...

just�a�little�zhuzhing.

Tase�with�the�blaze. -�There�we�go.

[Dewey]. Oh�but�Tase,

I�think�we're�gotta�have to�see�the�hair�flowing.

Show�me�that�mane.

Oh�yeah!�You're�a�warrior.

Time�to�do�art.

[Jenn]. Let's�do�it.

[Dewey]. Yep,�here�we�go.

Grinders!

Oh!

[thrilling�rock�music]

[Jenn]�����Turn�up�the�heat! -�More!

[thrilling�rock�music]

Beautiful,�Tase.�Beautiful.

Game�on.

[thrilling�rock�music] [camera�clicking]

[Jenn]. Okay.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay.�Nice.

Now�if�you�could�just pop�that�belt�open,

give�us�a�little�summer�tease.

What?�You�mean�my�pants?�Why?

Crack�it�open�a�little�bit, you�know?

You're�Mr.�July,�it's�supposed to�be�hot�outside,�right?

Give�us�a�little�humidex, you�know?

I�didn't�know�this�was�gonna be�those�kind�of�pictures.

[Chelsea]. Hey!

Oh�fuck!�Here�comes the�pants�patrol.

You�cannot�under any�circumstance

pressure�an�employee�to take�off�his�clothes.

Look,�you�trusted�me to�run�this�fundraiser,

so�just�let�me.

We�are�not�making anyone�uncomfortable.

Right,�Marcus?

You're�fine,�right?

Tell�Chelsea�that�you're�fine.

He's�not�gonna�tell you�the�truth.

You're�the�boss.

You�don't�get�the�power dynamic�at�play�here?

Marcus,�has Ms.�Conch�or�Dewey

done�anything�at this�company�event

to�make�you�feel uncomfortable?

Well,�my�knees�hurt

and�I�don't�love�that�my�aunt's definitely�gonna�see�this

but�it's�been...�fine?

See,�you�can't�fake that�kind�of�praise.

Up�to�you,�Marcus.

Yeah.

Up�to�you,�Marcus.

Is�a�bit�chilly.

I'm�gonna�head in�for�a�snack.

Is�that�okay?

Come�on�down.

You�know,�Taser�didn't mind�the�breeze.

He�said�it�makes his�nipples�pop.

That's�a�professional.

Watch�it,�Dewey.

I�can't�fire�her but�I�can�fire�you.

I'd�just�rehire�you.

[Chelsea]�����I�heard�that! -�Finally!

A�safe�space�again!

You�know,�just�walk�and�judge. That's�helpful.

Beep.�Beep.�Beep,

Whoa,�whoa,�whoa,�whoa, whoa,�whoa,�whoa,�whoa.

Perfect.

Take�it�off.

Are�we�waiting�for anybody�else�or-

Nope.�Just�you�and�me.

Team�Blowhole. -�Yeah.

Yeah,�we've�been�entrusted with�the�great�honour

of�blowing�this�bad�boy�up.

Yeah.�In�here?

You�wanna�haul�this outside�and�blow�it?

No�Audrey,�I�don't�wanna fucking�do�this�anywhere.

It's�stupid.�It's�a�lame-ass, giant-ass�pool�toy.

I've�got�so�much�other�shit I'd�rather�and�can�be�doing.

Oh�yeah?�Like�what?

Doom�scrolling?

Ghosting�people?

Calling�your�mom?

I�love�my�mom.

This�is�what's�wrong with�your�generation.

Loving�my�mom? -�������������Yeah.

Yeah,�no,�'cause�you�think you're�above�this�task.

Fuck.�Who�isn't?

Get�blowin'.

Clock�hits�four, I�hit�the�door.

You're�just�gonna�stand�there?

Blow�it�or�suck�it. Whatever�your�preference.

Yeah,�get�your�hair�dryer.

I�miss�Jimi�already.

Appreciate�you,�bro. I�feel�good.

Good.�I�mean,�you�still look�like�a�piece�of�shit

but�you�did everything�you�could.

What? [Backwoods�chuckling]

Pssst!

You�boys�ever heard�of�smizing?

No�one�has�heard of�smizing,�Homer.

What�the�fuck�is�it?

Do�I�got�to apprentice�for�it?

[Todd]. Smizing?

It's�when�you�smile with�your�eyes

but�not�your�mouth.

Smile�with�your�whole�face,

that's�amateur�clown�shit.

Behold.

[whispers]�There's�no�fucking,

what�is�this�fucking�shit?

[gentle�lighthearted�music]

Are�you�fucking�with us�Homer,�or...?

No.

I�did�some�modelling as�a�child.

Bullshit.

I�was�the�face�of�a major�soda�pop�brand.

You�guys�remember�the, uh,�"Chuggg�It!"�kid?

[Todd]���������Shut�up! -�No�fucking�way!

That's�you?�No�way! -�No�way.

Show�us!�Oh�my�god! Do�it�right�now!

I'm�not�doing�do�that. -�Do�it!�Do�it,�Homer.

I�did�years�of�therapy to�get�over�that,�okay?

Do�it. -�I�can't�do�it.

Do�it�or�you're�fired�again.

Ch-ch-ch-chuggg�it!

[both�laughing]

That�is�awesome!

That�was�you! -�Holy�shit!

I�did�billboards,�bus�stops,

even�did�a�short run�of�urinal�cakes

but�parents�didn't�think it�was�appropriate�to�be

pissing�on�a�child's�face.

Teach�me,�Homer. -�Teach�him.

It�was�a�different�life!

Different�times.

Fucking�don't�turn�your back�on�us�now,�Homer.

I�gave�it�all�up�for�the�glitz and�glamour�of�welding,�boys.

[whispers]�Chuggg�it�kid.

All�right.�I'll�help.

Listen�up! -�Yes!

You�gotta�seduce�the�camera.

How?

Always�be�moving.

Get�the�legs�in. -�Loosen�them.

Yes,�Todd.�Come�on! Get�moving!

Get�moving,�eh? -�[Backwoods]�����Yes.�Yes.

You�wanna�give�the�camera different�facial�expressions.

Okay? -�Okay.

Start�with�a�smile.

With�your�teeth.

Smile,�Todd! Show�off�those�pearly�whites!

Come�on!�Yes!�You're�happy!

But�then,�wait�a�minute.

Who�died? -�[Homer]�����Everyone.

Oh.�Sad�face.

Everyone�died,�Todd.

You�look�high. -�[Homer]�����But�wait.

What�do�you�see�out�there?

Is�that�your�best�friend fucking�your�sis...

Cousin?

No,�no,�it's�your,�yeah, your-your�cousin�Greg!

Your�best�friend, look�at�him

fucking�your�cousin�G-Greg!

You're�mad�at�him,�Todd!

Not�me.�Greg. -�[Homer]�����But�wait.

What's�that�in�the�distance? -�Huh?

[Homer]�����Over�here,�Todd. -�Huh?

[Backwoods]�����What�is�it? -�����No.�Like�towards�me!

Right�there!�There�it�is! -�There.

It's�a�12-point�elk. -�[Backwoods]�����Ooh.

You�reach�back...

Clobber�it.

No,�you're�not gonna�clobber�it.

No,�you�gotta... -�Quiver?

You've�got�a�quiver�of�arrows.

You're�a�sexy-ass�hunter. -�Good�work.

So�you're�gonna draw�the�arrow,

and�then�load�the�bow.

And�then,�fire�it.

Oh!�What�just�fell?

The�elk? -�Nah,�you�dropped�a�peach.

Get�down. Grab�the�peach,�Todd!

Lift�your�ass�up.

[Backwoods]�����Ass�up. -�And�flex�the�back.

And�jiggle�the�ass.

This�is�fucking�dumb. -�Jiggle�the�ass.

And�look�at�me,�Todd. I�want�eye�contact.

[Homer]�Flex�it!�Downward�dog! -�Ass�up!

I�can't�do�this!

I�should�never�have agreed�to�this�shit!

What? -�[Backwoods]�Just�calm�down.

Listen,�the�man�is�hangry.

He�hasn't�eaten�anything in�goddam�three�days.

Whoa,�whoa,�whoa,�hey! -�Hey!

Are�you�fucking�high?

You�can't�eat�before�a�shoot!

You're�gonna�bloat like�a�blowfish!

It's�showtime,�dew-dog. -�For�Christ�sakes.

My�lights�are�hot.

Are�you�boys�ready? -�No!

You're�ready. -�That�was�perfect.

Greatest�first�lesson I've�ever�had.

You�are�ready. -�Get�out�there!

Get�out�there! [Todd�mumbling]

You�will�never�be�more�ready!

How�much�money�did�you�make doing�those�commercials?

None.�My�mom�owns an�island�in�Belize.

Yeah,�uh,�this�is�gonna take�fucking�forever.

Yes,�it�is,

which�is�why�we�have mandatory�breaks.

What�the�hell happened�to�all�that,

"Oh,�this�is�what's�wrong�with your�generation,"�bullshit?

I'm�only�like�two�years younger�than�you,�right?

[Audrey]. Really?

I�thought�you�just�had�your�13th birthday�last�month.

[Tanner�laughs�mockingly]

[laughs]�Seniority means�I�nap�first.

Goodnight.

[gentle�lighthearted�music]

[whispers]�Fucking�shit!

[gentle�lighthearted�music]

Oh�yeah.

You're�in�a�safe�space, Toddler.

Your�lighting's�garbage!

Everyone's�gonna�look�like they�got�fucking�jaundice!

Are�you�telling�me how�to�do�my�job?

No,�Dewey.

I'm�telling�you�how�to not�ruin�a�good�photo.

Hey,�chop-chop,�boys! Time�is�money!

[Dewey]. I�have�just�the inspiration�for�this.

[upbeat�music]

Bend�the�joints. Bend�the�joints,�Todd.

There�you�go. -�[Backwoods]�����Bendy.

Yeah,�all�right. -�Bend�'er�down.

Over�the�shoulder,�Todd.

No,�no.�Towards�the�camera!

[Dewey]. Smile,�boy.

[Homer]. Yeah.�There�you�go.

Chin�up.�Use�the�straps. -�[Dewey]�����Bad�boy!

Slap�the,�you�like�that�pain!

Now�look,�on�the�ground in�front�of�you,

there's�that�same�old�peach.

You�remember�that�peach,�Todd.

Grab�that�peach. Grab�the�peach.

[Dewey]�Chow�down�on�that�peach! -�[Homer]�Grab�the�peach.

Yeah.�Take�a�bite!

[upbeat�music]

[Homer]. But�wait.�Oh�gross.

[Backwoods]. There�you�go.

What's�that�white�substance?

Oh�no.

A�deer�was�using it�as�a�cum�rag.

[Backwoods]���������Ew! -�Throw�that�peach�away.

Throw�it�away! -�Gross!

Wait.�There's�something�wrong.

Your�body,�it's�shaking.

That�was�cursed�cum!

Ugh.

All�of�a�sudden�your hands�are�hooves.

Glorious�hooves.

You're�a�majestic�steed.

I�wanna�hear�you�neigh,�Todd.

Neigh!

[Todd�neighing]

Louder!

[upbeat�music]

Whoa.�Whoa!

The�wind�is�blowing in�your�hair!

And�then�you�see it�ahead�of�you,

there's�the�elk.

You�remember�the�elk,�Todd? -�[Backwoods]�����Oh�yeah!

You�missed�it�last�time, didn't�ya?

Now�reach�back,�flex,

pull�out�the�arrow. -�[Backwoods]�����Good.

And�load�the�bow.

Yeah!�Chin�up!

[camera�clicks]

Fuck!

Ah!�Hey!

Fuck!

What�the�fuck?

Cricket,�are�you�there?

Hold�on,�buddy! We'e�good.

And... -�Fire�it.

Release!

There!�You�got�it!

[knocking�on�window]

[Tanner]. Todd!�Todd,�man!

[camera�clicking]

[Dewey]. Oh,�there's�my�December!

What�the�fuck? -�[Homer]�����Cricket!

Oh.�Good�work,�Tanner.

[mellow�music]

[drumsticks�tapping]

Woo!�Ha-ha!

Okay�guys,�it�is�time to�reveal�our�calendar.

[unenthusiastic�cheering]

Some�people�said�that�my idea�was�unprofessional

and�that�it,�uh, blurred�ethical�lines.

Chelsea. -�I'm�not�wrong.

'Cause�it�wasn't,�it�did.

To�me,�this�has�always just�been�about�hope,

you�know,�for�us�and for�our�animal�friends,

from�the�mammals to�the�whales.�So-

[Homer]. Genius�over�here.

Let's�raise�a�glass,

open�our�wallets

and�remember�that�for�every calendar�that�you�buy,

an�orca�is�so�thankful,

and�probably�releases�one�of those�cloudy�white�squirts.

It's�whale�cum?

I�mean,�we're�not�gonna�see�it because�it�happens�underwater

but�it's,�uh,�it's�happening. -�A�load?

[rim-shot�thumps�and�pings] Okay,�stop.

Sorry. -�Okay.

All�right,�let's�go.

[wolf�howling]

Nice. -�Oh!

Oh,�nice�work! -�Oh!

Oh,�Stephy! You�look�so�hot!

Garlic�balls.�Remember?

I�don't�remember�posing with�a�dire�wolf.

[Jenn]. Okay,�moving�on�to�February.

[Backwoods]. Titty�city!

Hey,�that's�us! -�We�look�hot!

I'd�date�me. -�We�are�such�snacks.

Remember�Big�Momma?

It's�payday,�Team�Conch.

Let's�open�up�Big�Momma.

I'm�gonna�catfish�somebody with�that�bad�boy.

[Todd]. Looking�good,�Barb.

Oh�Janet!

Nice�duckface,�Janet.

Nice�fuckface,�Homer.

[rim-shot�thumps�and�pings] [Steph�laughing]

You�are�my�Victorian duckling,�Janet.

[Jenn]. That's�weird.

[Dewey]�����Moving�on. -�[Taser]�Nice�one,�Janet.

Ooh,�Marcus!

That�ain't�Photoshop!

That's�right�it�ain't!

I�got�you,�brother. Thank�you.�Appreciate�it.

[Dewey]. And...

Hey,�that�looks�like�me,�man.

That�is�you,�Roach.

[in�unison]�That�is�you!

I�had�to�paint�out�all�the tomato�sauce�on�your�face.

Kinda�looks�like my�uncle�too.

[Taser]. No�Malone.

[Backwoods]. Oh.�Yeah!

[Homer]. Looks�like�cousin�Greg.

Hold�the�fucking.

Dewey,�I�was�supposed to�be�a�werewolf.

I�need�way�more�fucking hair�than�that.

No,�this�is�the�amount of�hair�we�agreed�on.

Not�at�all.

I�got�more�hair on�my�right�ball.

And�moving�on.

[horse�neighing]

[everyone�cheering]

[Dewey]. It's�Mr.�June!

Come�on! What�the�hell�is�that?

[Backwoods]. What�the�fuck?

Stooly's�got�a�horse�body and�a�giant�horse�cock?

Centaur.�Get�it�right.

And�I�gave�Todd�actual�abs.

[Audrey]. I�don't�need�to�see�that.

[Dewey]. My�work�speaks�for�itself.

[drumroll] [Todd]. It's�fucking�weird,�Dewey.

Little�early�again,�Janet!

[Janet]���������Oh. -�All�right.

So�our�cover�model�for�the�first annual�Conch�calendar�is...

Janet?

What?!

[laughs]�Okay!

No! -�Yes!�Yes!

No,�Janet.

Now�is�the�time�to do�the�drumroll.

Oh.

Right.

[drumroll�music]

Whoa!�That's�me!

Oh,�yes! [crowd�cheering]

[Todd]. This�is�total�bullshit!

Fuck�this!

We�skipped�wing night�for�this?

I�gotta�get�another fucking�drink.

[drums�thumping]

You�can�go�get�it! Go�get�it!

Fernie,�beer�me,�now.

Oh�my�god,�Stool.

I'd�say�your�abs went�on�vacation.

Didn't�leave�a�note.

Fuck�off,�Fern.

When�was�the�last�time you�did�a�sit-up?

Accepting�you're�past�your prime�is�half�the�battle.

Yeah?�You�sure you've�accepted�it?

Yeah.�Yeah,�I fucking�accepted�it.

And�you�can�accept�this.

Happy�to�sign�it�for�you�too. -�I'm�good.

"Dear�Dickhead,�go�fuck�you."

Guess�I�can�use�it to�wipe�my�ass.

Hey. -�Hey.

I�think�you�look great�by�the�way.

[sighs]�Thanks.

I�thought�you�look�good�too.

What�did�you�think of�the�horse�cock?

Oh�yeah,�not�a�fan but�my�friend�might�be.

Get�over�here�you. -�[Todd]���������Really?

Yeah. -�Hi.

Hello�to�you.

She�knows�you're�a�dipshit but�she's�into�that.

Thanks�for�that. -�Yeah.�No�sweat.

I�guess�I�kinda�am.

What�up,�horse�cock?

What's�up,�werewolf�man.

Hey,�show�me�this�calendar.

I�don't�have�enough�hair,

but�I�actually�think I�look�pretty�good.

[Barb]. Me�too. It's�smooth�and�sexy.

You�look�great. -�Oh.

[Backwoods�howling]

Real�funny.

Two�Slagg,�please.

Thank�you.

There�we�go.�Wow.

You're�gonna�have�to tell�Todd�eventually

that�you're�hooking up�with�the�werewolf.

[Backwoods�howling]

[Backwoods�laughing]

I�mean,�do�I?

It's�just�sex.

[indistinct�chattering]

We've�only�sold�15�of�these.

And�Fernie,�the�bartender, bought�three�of�them.

[Jenn]. Yeah,�I�know,�but�you're�not factoring�in�word�of�mouth,

uh,�friends�and�family,�bribes.

No�one's�gonna�buy this�thing,�Jenn.

Fine.

What�are�you�doing?

How�many�orcas�does twenty�grand�save?

Okay,�you�can't�just make�this�out�to�whales.

Why�not?

Plus,�you�spelled�it�wrong.

That's�the�country.

Fun�night,�ladies.

Anyone�gonna�eat�this?

It's�gonna�spoil�if�not. I'm�taking�it.

That�would�be�a�shame. -�It's�all�you,�Barb.

But�you�have�to�pay for�the�calendar.

It's�our�fee!

See?�They�had�a�great�night.

All�right,�Chelsea.

Let's�not�forget�that Conch�is�my�company,�okay?

Get�your�own�shell.

Wails�again.

[Chelsea�sighing]

[Homer]. You�should've�seen�that-

Working�hard,�boys? -�There�he�is.

Last�week�was�a�write-off.

We�gotta�double�time�it. -�Oh,�check�it�out.

It's�cock�o'clock.

Check�out�Roach with�the�penis�pipe.

[in�English�accent]�Hello little�forest�animals.

Would�you�like�to smoke�some�cock?

[Taser]. Backwoods�with the�hammer�cocks.

You're�getting�rained�on by�a�couple�whale�cocks.

[Todd]. Anyone�know�who�drew�these?

Janet.

I�think�she's�only�ever seen�one�dick.�[laughs]

What�a�waste�of�time�this�was.

What�are�you�talking�about?

Dewey�gave�you�a stellar�AI�horse�cock

and�Janet�gave�you�another.

Yeah.�Double�dicker! -�Dos�coculos.

[Homer]. Multi-cock.

One�for�pleasure, one�for�pissing.

All�right,�back�to�work, you�fucks.

Cockasaurus�Rex.�[snarls]

Need�this.

[mellow�music]

Thank�you.

[midtempo�rock�music]

["It's�Called�Life" by�Matthew�Runaway]

?�Turnin'�these�wrenches

?�Bustin'�my�knuckles

?�Bangin�'em�into�steel

?�Workin'�overtime, tryin'�to�save�a�dime

?�But�the�tax man's�on�my�heels

?�I�can't�get�ahead, but�I�don't�fall�behind�?

What�the�fuck,�Dewey?

This�is�me.�It's�me!

You�do�not�have�a flute�that�big!

The�artiste�can�be�the subject�too,�you�know?

[Taser]. You�think�you're�the�GOAT?

There's�a�dormant�beast within�me�for�years.

A�beautiful, beautiful�goat�boy.

[Homer]. It�should've�stayed�dormant!

Really,�this�is�almost�your�last chance�to�get�one�of�these.

Uh,�well�what�about�this?

What�about�this?�I�have these�amazing�calendars.

As�you�can�see,�it's�me and�I�have�a�huge�penis,

which�is�very�much like�the�real�thing.

Just�saying,�okay?

So,�you�interested?

?�It's�called�life, you�get�up�and�grind

?�A�dollar�ain't�worth�it

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