Original subtitles

- Room check! - Oh, shit.

- One second! - Come on. Open up.

All right, where's the drugs?

Drugs? What are drugs?

Search her room! Find them!

Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go.

Shirts, pants, socks. Shirts, pants. That's good!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my!

Move!

- Excuse me. Sorry. - My yogurt!

- What the fuck? - Sorry.

Fucking asshole.

Oh, man, start.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh. Excuse me.

Yeah?

Yeah, do you by any chance have any extra quarters?

Oh. Um, let me check.

Yeah.

Thanks. Your name's Montgomery, right?

Yeah, and your name's Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray?

- That is all four of them, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray, like, it just kind of falls out.

You know, it's funny, I feel like we are always here at the exact same time.

Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me.

Not from poop, to be clear.

- Or come. - So piss?

No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird.

Okay.

I'll see you around.

♪ Makin' it ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Makin' it ♪

♪ I'm solid gold, I've got the goods ♪

♪ They stand when I walk Through the neighborhoods ♪

♪ I'm makin' it ♪

- ♪ I've got the chance, I'm takin' it ♪ - Hey, guys. How are you? It's good to...

♪ No more, no more, fakin' it ♪

- ♪ This time in life, I'm makin' it ♪ - I'm sorry. I'm…

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Makin' it ♪

Eat shit.

♪ Hello uptown, goodbye pover... ♪

That's what you get for ruining the football team, asshole.

♪ I'm makin' it ♪

Hi.

Oh.

Fuck yourself and your freak-ass face.

♪ I'm takin' it ♪

♪ No more, no more fakin' it ♪

♪ This time... ♪

There he is!

Oh, fuck!

No! No! No!

- Somebody grab him! - Freak-ass!

- Freak-ass Face! - Rip off his skin!

All right, everybody, fuck off and listen to me for a second, please!

I know you're upset about what happened with the football team.

I'm sorry.

But who amongst us all hasn't ever made a mistake?

We all have.

So if you don't think that I deserve the basic human decency

of a second chance, then fine, go ahead.

Tape me to the top of that clock tower

and pelt me with water balloons full of piss. But if not…

Goddamn it.

Hey, Jack.

Hi, Monty. How was your day?

Uh.

Not great. How was yours?

I'm covered in piss.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

You know what's gonna make it all better?

- Quiet night of sleep. - A concerning amount of alcohol.

- Let's boogie. - Oh, wow, we said very different things.

Housing requests due by midnight.

Guys, housing requests due by midnight.

Montgomery and Jack, email your housing request in by midnight.

- Also, Jack, go fuck yourself. - Hmm? Ah.

Where do you want to live next year?

Should we do Orrick Tower, Stonewell Court, or…

Ugh.

As long as it's not Gralk Hall.

That place is literal hell. You know what I mean?

Come on, dude, stop hiding. Just ask her out.

- Are you nuts? No. - Why?

Girls like Ashley don't like guys like me.

- What's wrong with you? - I'm weird. I sound like a little old man.

Girls like alphas. Strong provider-types like him.

- Hot. - So that's why I'm gonna trick her

into thinking I'm an alpha,

and then she'll ask me out.

Wow. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

It's not creepy, it's sweet.

You barely know her. You may not even actually like her.

Of course I like her.

When I think of the two of us together

it feels like I'm floating

on a cloud of lavender while being sung to by lollipop pixies.

Never mind. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Stop staring at her.

It's time to take this

and put it into this so we can turn off this.

- Look at her. Exquisite, right? - Whoa.

- Dang. - Give her a touch.

Give her a stroke.

Perv. Wanna give a toast?

Ah, may the crop grow strong, and your pants stay up, and the night…

Don't worry, man, I got this shit.

To turning around this shitty day.

- Oh, fuck. - Crud.

Logan.

What's up, dildos?

- Can we please not do this tonight? - Relax.

I know that we come in here every weekend,

we hold you down and we fart in your faces for what you did to the football team,

but we have taken some time to reflect and we decided to apologize.

Wow. Really?

No, we came to fart on your faces!

- Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. - Pin him down.

Come here.

I'm gonna fart in your face.

I will never fucking accept this shit. Fuck!

I'll save you the trouble. Right here okay?

- That's perfect. Thanks. - Every week. So fucking harsh.

- Fuck you. Fuck off. - Buddy, you know the drill.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

- It's okay, Jack. Think happy thoughts. - Shut up, Montgomery.

Open wide, pookie.

No! No! No!

Oh, shit.

Hey, dumb-ass, mind if I borrow your charger?

Oh, I should warn you, it's actually a third-party charger,

and it's technically against the terms of service

- to use it. - Shut up.

Dude, this pajama party tonight is gonna be so sick.

- Pre-game at my place? - Totally.

- I got beer. - Nice.

- I got some weed. - Swag.

And I'm bringing Wizard's Oath.

What?

It's a fantasy board game.

It's actually really fun.

That was refreshing, dawg.

I feel, like, a pound lighter.

All right. Let's bounce.

Oh! What the fuck?

Your charger fried my phone.

Well, I did warn you it's a third-party charger.

Break my phone, huh?

- How about I break your bottle? - Oh, shit.

No!

Look at his freak-ass face.

- Losers. - Later, dickheads!

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Just give us a fucking break.

Lizzy!

- Fuck! - Ugh.

Fuck all those guys.

God, I hope I don't get pink eye again.

This whole night's fucking ruined.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

I was gonna start Lysander on a new brand of nectar tonight,

- and he gets temperamental. - No! No!

I can't stand another night

listening to you talk about the dietary restrictions of your pet butterfly.

We're in college, Monty.

These are supposed to be the best years of our lives.

Look at me.

I'm the type of guy who's built for a place like this, dude.

I could be ruling the school.

I should be doing Jell-O shots and sparkler keg stands,

but everyone hates me.

- W-Well, not me. - You don't count.

Okay, I know what you need.

I'm ordering us a pizza.

Because no matter how bad things are, pizza makes everything a little better.

Remember first semester when we ate pizza and played games all night...

Stop. What are you doing? You don't get to do a speech.

I'm doing a speech. I'm sad.

Plus, pizza is not gonna do anything for me, man.

I need something to obliterate my brain!

What's this?

"M.I.N.T.S."?

Oh, my God.

These are drugs.

No. No. No!

- Come on! - Are you insane?

- What are the odds of this? - I'm not doing random ceiling drugs.

- We don't even know what they are. - Fine.

We'll do some research. Hmm?

Drugs, pink pill, exploding head. What the fuck?

- One result? - That's shady.

♪ Om ♪

Tidings, psychedelic adventurers. It's me, Frankie Of Course.

- ♪ Frankie ♪ - ♪ Of course ♪

Her green screen sucks.

I'll be your cosmic captain on this journey today.

Please keep your vibes inside the vehicle at all times.

Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo!

- Skip ahead. - Yeah, I'm gonna skip ahead.

I dated Mickey Rourke. It was fine.

- Keep going forward. - All right.

Presenting: Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants, or M.I.N.T.S.

That is dangerously misleading.

This drug will give you an incredible high.

- Ha! - How would I describe it?

It makes you feel like you're floating on a cloud of lavender

being sung to by lollipop pixies.

Dude, that's exactly your thing.

- No. - Come on.

- No. No. No. - Come on. Come on. Come on.

- No. No. - Come on. Come on.

- I love you. - I love you too.

- Come on. Please. I'll do anything. - No. No. No.

- Really? - No! Jack, the answer is no.

And now we wait.

Drugs. Alcohol.

Debauchery.

Every year our school sinks deeper into a swamp of vice and buffoonery.

Until now.

Welcome, fellow RAs.

For weeks, we have been preparing for tonight

to rain fiery vengeance upon the drug-addled delinquents

that have turned this dorm into a waking nightmare.

There will be no mercy.

Order will be restored.

And those who have violated our rules shall be shattered

on the anvil of discipline.

Are you with me?

Yes, Resident Adviser!

…Adviser! Yes!

Oh.

Sorry, I'm new, just out of sync. I'm new.

This guy didn't tell me about the call and response.

I wouldn't. It's very scary.

Let's move out.

And then I'm like, "Guys, don't worry, I'm not gonna fart in your faces."

And then I fucking farted in his face, dude!

Those guys fucking blow.

Those guys fucking blow.

Yeah, those guys fucking blow.

They are funny though.

What? Did you just say they're funny?

No.

Why would I say that?

Anyway, let's get fucked up!

Oh, my... Lizzy!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - It's fine.

- Oh, man, I'm tired. - Yeah, it's late.

- I also am tired. - Me too.

Maybe we should call it a night.

Hey, Lizzy, you're closest to the door.

Why don't you just leave first and the rest of us will follow?

Okay, sure. Yeah.

See you around.

Hey, remember when I said I wasn't gonna fart in their faces,

but then I did fart in their faces?

You know, I guess I'll just cancel this party bus that I got for us.

- Party bus? - I ordered us

this totally awesome party bus as a surprise,

but if you're tired, then I'll just cancel it.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Do not cancel it.

I feel like I'm getting a second wind.

- Yeah, me too. - I also am no longer tired.

Can I get a…

Lizzy, Lizzy,

Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy!

Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy!

You fucking rule, dude!

You think I can honk the horn?

You feel anything?

No. Wait.

- No. - Fuck.

- These duds? - I guess so. Wanna play Wizard's Oath?

No, we can't. We need three people.

I could play.

No, it'd take too long to teach you the rules.

Oh, no.

Somebody, help!

- Are you ready, kids? - Yes!

Here we go.

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

- ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ - Why are our hands singing?

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

Oh.

Hey.

- You seeing this? - He's moving.

- He's coming towards us. - He's getting real close. Oof.

- He wants me to shake his hand. - Just go for it. Yeah.

Oh!

- He touched my nipple! - Hey, what the fuck, man?

Stop!

Hola. My name is Juan.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

- Is that a fucking baby? - The baby does not like your work.

- Mm-mmm. - Do it again.

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

- This again? - ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

- Fuck. No. Back up. - No. Please stay over there.

- Don't do it. - I don't want to be impolite.

- What? - Oh, he did it again.

- What did you expect? - Stop!

She hates it. Do it again.

♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice ♪

- ♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice ♪ - Hey!

- No, not again! - ♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice ♪

- Again. - ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

- ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ - He's gone. No! No!

- ♪ No one's gonna die today ♪ - Again.

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

- ♪ Everything's happy… ♪ - Again.

- ♪ No one's gonna die today ♪ - I don't want this anymore!

- Fuck you, baby! - Again!

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Someone's gonna die today We're all gonna die today ♪

She likes it. The baby likes it.

Why are we in the fucking shower?

Well, the good news is the drugs work.

Oh, do they? None of that felt like a gentle cloud of lavender.

I just got molested by Pinocchio's cousin.

Did that happen? I think I already repressed that.

All right, we gotta figure out what this stuff is.

Lysander, no, get out of there.

Crate! No drugs for you.

You feel like you're floating on a cloud of lavender

being sung to by lollipop pixies…

- …so long as you take it with food. - What?

Without food, the drug has six distinct phases

punctuated by normal periods of lucidity.

First is a prologue called "Make the Baby Like It."

Definitely did that one.

Then, "No Bad Words,"

"Flashbacks,"

"The Ol' Switcheroo,"

"Nothing But The Truth,"

and "We Are All One."

- What's that? - It's my WorryWart. It calms me down.

Gotta say I'm pretty dang proud of myself for making these drugs.

I made them right here in my dorm room, 3J.

- Oh, shit. Sorry. - Wait, is that this room?

I know I'm still in college, but don't worry, I'm a chemistry genius, okay?

- That's good. - I mean, hell,

I frigging built these cabinets using my own homemade epoxy.

We're gonna die.

A few important things before I forget.

One, do not take more than a single dose.

If you do, you will see the true horrible nature of reality.

What does that mean?

And two, there is a final phase that I didn't yet mention.

It's called:

"Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass."

What?

My boyfriend Garrett went through it, and look what happened to him.

Anyway, if you don't want that to happen to you, eat some food.

And by food, I mean specifically a mixture of wheat, nightshades, and dairy.

- So pizza? - Yeah, it's pizza, dum-dums.

Happy sailing.

Hope you don't get chainsaw fucked!

Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo

"Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass"?

- Okay. - Cheese and rice!

I just wanted a quiet night and now I'm gonna get chainsaw fucked

- by the Rat King from The Nutcracker. - Chill, dude.

It's not gonna… Wait, your worst nightmare is the Rat King from The Nut...

From the New Jersey Ballet's 2007 production of The Nutcracker.

You haven't seen it.

- It's terrifying. - It's not gonna happen, okay?

What did she say? It'll mellow out when we have some pizza.

And look, there it is right now.

Hello, sir, can you please bring the pizza directly to room 3J with extreme haste?

Hello.

I am Snackatron 3000.

I have arrived at your location with a food delivery for Montgomery

from the restaurant…

What do I say, the name of the pizza place?

Okay, it's Joe's Pizza.

It's a fucking robot.

Actually, I'm a Snackatron.

3J. Bring the pizza to 3J now.

I am sorry, but there is a set of stairs impeding my journey.

Stairs are my mortal enemy.

To receive your pizza from…

I got to record this again? Joe's

I'm afraid you will need to meet me in the lobby.

I hope you will be satisfied with your order.

No, Snackatron, I will not be satisfied.

No, there's no way we're going out there.

Ashley's out there, RAs, and who knows what else!

Hey, it's gonna be fine, dude. It's just two flights of stairs, right?

Come on, I'm gonna be with you the whole time.

Yeah, yeah.

♪ Watch how I walk ♪

♪ If you wanna chat to me Watch how you talk ♪

♪ Leave my legacy Leave my mark ♪

♪ On top Best know I'm the boss ♪

Why are you wearing a suit?

I don't want people to know I'm high.

- Smart. - So what's our plan?

Okay, it's simple.

We take the elevator down, we grab the pizza, we eat it,

and then we're floating on a cloud of lavender before the next phase even hits.

- You ready? - Yes.

- I don't know. Okay, yes. - Great.

Then let's do this fucking...

What? What? Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

- Yeah, I think, I think, I think. - What the fuck?

Why are our heads exploding? What in the absolute hell?

Fuck!

Okay. Okay. Just don't do anything.

I'm not doing anything.

I think our heads explode if we say curse words.

Goddamn it.

No!

Fine, okay, I'll just say, like, dang it.

Darn it.

All right, I'll make up my own.

- Cremble sauce. - We can't say cremble sauce?

Okay, just stay super G-rated. Let's get to the elevator.

Hey, it's Freak-ass Face.

Hey, suck my dick.

Hey, it's Freak-ass Face.

Hey, suck my dick.

All right, it's out of my system.

- Hey… - Hey!

Almost there.

And we're here.

Montgomery. Hey.

Holy crap.

You got this, man.

I'm a provider. I'm suave. I'm an alpha. Whoo!

Montgomery. Hi.

What's up, player?

Shit.

- Hi. - Ahoy there.

Nope. Queef!

- Hi. - Happy evening to you,

- my sweet baby, baby, baby. - Fuck that.

I'ma pitch you a line. "Hi, Ashley."

- Hi, Ashley. - Just like that.

- Hi, Ashley. - Hi.

- Hey, I did it. - Don't say it out loud, dumb-ass.

- Hi. - Hi, Ashley.

What's that?

It's my WorryWart, which alphas don't use.

- We gotta start this whole thing over. - No, it's good! It's good! It's fine!

- Cunt. - Excuse me?

- Cunt. - What?

- Not you. Cunt. - Cunt.

- Sorry. - Sorry. Cunt.

- Sorry. Cunt. Sorry. - Cunt.

- Sorry. Cunt. Cunt. - Sorry. Cunt. Cunt.

- Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. - Cunt. Cunt.

- Stop! - We can say cunt,

but we can't say cremble sauce?

I sourced the chemicals from Manchester, England.

- Oh, it's a British drug. - That's so fucking stupid.

- Hi. - Hi, Ashley. How's your night going?

Grood? Grood? Shart.

- Hi. - Hi, Ashley.

How's your night going? Good?

Yeah, I've actually had a crazy week working on my music thesis, so…

- Oh, so you're a music major? - Yeah.

- Who's your favorite musician? - Sondheim.

Sondheim? I love musicals.

Oh, Stephen Sondheim? I hate him.

I like Matsuishi Sondheim.

Who the fuck is that?

Okay, apparently this guy does something called Clowncore Vomit Opera.

Have you ever heard of Matsuishi Sondheim?

Oh, my God, are you serious? I love him.

Have you ever heard of the song that goes…

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

Duh! "My Mother Pisses Death"? Nobody ever likes that one.

And most guys are real pussies about it,

but it's so cool to meet someone that's actually into it.

- Well, this has been nice. - Yeah.

I hope the rest of your night is really grood.

Duck fucker!

Uh, "duck fucker"?

Oh, no. Is it over?

Is what over?

The American dream.

Oh.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Anyway, I am starving, so I'm gonna go get some food.

But it was great getting to know you.

I'll see you.

My freaking boy.

Just so you know, I got a weird fucking vibe about her.

Room check.

Come in.

Sorry to interrupt.

May I?

Please, yeah.

This stuff's so annoying.

Okay. Prohibited items.

- Do you guys have any drugs, alcohol? - No.

- Uh, firearms, weaponry? - No.

- Free-standing waffle makers? - No.

Any large bongs

shaped like a jar of dill pickles?

No.

Great. I will leave you to it.

Ooh.

You know…

Some kids lie.

They think I won't notice.

But lies have a smell…

A texture.

It clings to their clothes

like smoke.

You're hiding a pickle bong and some alcoholic iced tea, are you not?

Yes.

You're hiding them in the fridge, aren't you?

Yes.

Deli drawer or crisper?

Crisper.

Well, that's a violation.

I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate your phone for the night.

- No, you can't confiscate my phone. - I said confiscate his phone!

Each of you has a list.

You are to collect the cell phones of everyone on it.

Use whatever justification you need.

- Understood? - Yes, Resident Adviser, sir!

What the hell? Did someone break this?

Come on, why is it taking so long? Fuck.

- Geez. - Oh, God, this guy.

What happened?

Got transferred to Gralk Hall.

- No. - Yeah.

The worst dorm in school. It's four hours away.

He might as well be dead.

That was his fuck buddy.

- Sorry for your loss. - Go fuck yourself, Jack.

We got to get our housing requests in.

Oh, thank God. It got stuck between floors.

Can you guys please get me out of here?

Stairs?

Wait. Wait, no. You can't just leave me like this.

I'm gonna go insane! Please, come back!

Just two floors, and we're good.

No! Somebody help! Somebody, help me!

- No! Where are you taking me? - Shit.

- RAs. - They took my phone!

They took my phone!

They took his phone. Are they allowed to do that?

What will become of us? No!

- Take him to the wellness lounge. - Yeah.

All right, guys, let's get him to the wellness lounge.

I love it. I agree.

- It's a good plan. - Who are you again?

Oh, I'm Sidney Putt… …sophomore RA in training.

- You're a sophomore? - Yeah, but I am 31 years young.

I took a bit of a gap decade before I started school.

- Wow. - But now I'm so excited to be an RA.

- Uh-huh. - I'd love to know the inside jokes.

- Mmm. - Who's ribbing who, who's kissing who.

You ever huff helium?

Shut the fuck up!

You two stay and don't let anyone downstairs.

- Fuck us. - Crud.

Now how do we get downstairs?

Building renovations.

There's scaffolding outside the corner room.

We can just climb down to the second floor from there, huh?

We got this.

Hi, we were wondering if we could use your window.

You.

- Oh, hey, it's you. - Fuck off.

What the hell was that about?

Earlier today, I accidentally hit him with a football.

Great, so we're stuck.

Hey, Logan, uh, sorry, just call me back. I can't find you guys.

- Hi. - Hi, Lizzy.

- Hi. - Why are you wet?

Uh, I just, um, I'm having kind of a weird night, uh, but I'm fine.

Dandy, bye.

Bye. Asshole.

No.

Your head's been exploding.

- You're on our drug. - What?

What? What are you talking about?

- I didn't take any drugs. - You are so fucked.

Stop laughing.

I don't know why I'm laughing.

- I think it's a trauma response. - But I didn't take any...

Oh, my God, this all makes sense now.

Earlier tonight, when I was in your room,

Logan was talking about the pajama party, and I spotted a tin of mints on your desk.

- Those weren't mints, dumb-ass. - Lizzy, those were not mints.

No shit. I'm aware, because I ate one and just a little later…

Why are my hands singing?

…I started tripping my goddamn balls off in front of Logan and all of his friends.

Wait. How are we even seeing this?

Are we like inside her memory?

Shit, I think I remember this from the video.

This must be the next phase.

There's more of these?

There is a final phase that I didn't yet mention.

It's called:

"Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass."

"Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass"?

See, I do sound like a little old man.

You dumb fucks. Who just leaves drugs out for anyone to take?

Who eats random pills out of a tin?

I've never done anything that stupid in my life.

- You ready, Montgomery? - What's the plan here, Jack?

We leap off the roof and float to the ground

like a pair of graceful falcons.

You were saying?

All right, so I've done one dumb thing, but at least we had fun.

This is like the worst day of my life.

I'm Lizzy the Magnificent.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

Everyone, look closely. Now it's a banana, and now it's a chicken.

You were incredible. Were you using wires or mirrors back here?

Now, could I have a volunteer?

This is so lame.

Jesus Christ, children are fucking sociopaths.

I didn't know you did magic. You should have told me you did magic.

I would have loved to have seen some tricks.

You know, back when we were friends.

I miss those Wednesdays.

We'd all meet in the cafeteria and play Wizard's Oath.

It was so fun. Remember how far we got?

We were about to storm the Fortress of Thalamir and finally finish the game,

but then…

Lizzy ditched us.

That's fucking good, dawg.

I'll tell them I'm not gonna fart in their faces,

but I totally will do that.

Hang on, I never ditched you guys.

- Don't say I ditched you. - Lizzy!

Also, you're leaving out the part where you sabotaged the whole football team.

- Oh, come on, that was an accident. - Yeah, right.

- What the fuck? - Wait.

I can prove it.

It was first semester. I was king of the campus, aka,

I was the school mascot.

So per tradition, I held the honor of leading the football team

in their annual naked run.

Gentlemen!

Cheeks out!

Yeah!

Have fun out there.

Just remember, stick to the path.

But I had bigger plans than the path.

Let's go. Paper it on three, baby. One, two, three.

- Paper it! - Yeah!

Everyone hated Professor Quinn, so I figured they'd love me

if I made him spend his entire day getting followed by 50 naked dicks.

It was a flawless plan until the stupid professor went off campus

and ran directly by…

…a police station during…

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

Every single player got put on the sex offender registry.

That was that.

I was doing so well. I was making friends. I was having fun.

For once in my life, people actually liked me and then poof.

Overnight, for no reason, they all just turned on me.

- Again, not me. - Again, you don't count.

No, but what do you mean for no reason? I mean, you broke the rules.

You were reckless with the football team's dicks.

I wasn't even… I wasn't thinking about their dicks.

Well, that's my point. Maybe you should've been thinking about their dicks.

Why are we even talking about dicks?

I am the victim here. Tell her, Montgomery.

I mean, maybe you could stand to think a little bit more

about other people's dicks.

Excuse me. Sorry.

- You guys don't fucking get it. - My yogurt!

Wait, wait. Oh!

Hi.

- Dude, you saved my ass. - You're welcome.

What just happened? Did I just interact with a memory?

Montgomery, my man. This guy saved my ass earlier.

Nice.

- Can we use your window? - Of course, yeah, come on in.

Oh, let me go grab your thing real quick.

What? Did we change the past?

- How is that even scientifically possible? - I don't know.

You want to disprove quantum theory or get a pizza?

Come on.

Wait, wait, uh, where are you guys going?

- Nowhere. Eat shit. - We're climbing down the scaffolding

- to get downstairs to get a pizza. - Don't tell her.

'Cause that's the only way the drugs stop.

- Okay, great, let's go. - Excuse me? You are not coming with us.

You and Logan, fucking fart Hitler, just used us as literal toilet paper.

Well, I didn't. I just…

Stood by and watched like a good German.

Honestly, that might be worse, right, Montgomery?

I'd actually love if we use a different metaphor.

You guys can't just leave me here, okay?

Without my credit card, my friends can't use the party bus.

Oh, no, you mean to tell me that Logan may have a slightly less fun night?

Tough titty. Let's go.

Okay. Listen up, assholes.

If you guys don't let me come with you, I'm gonna make sure

Logan sharts on you next time…

…not fart, shart.

To get that stain out, you won't just need soap,

you'll need therapy.

Okay, guys, come on. We need to work together.

Now what do you say?

- Fuck no. - Want to hold hands?

Yeah, it boosts endorphins and supports cooperative thinking.

Here's this back. This shit is wild.

- Wait, how did you get... - I hope you don't mind I took one.

Those five phases were so fun.

- You mean six phases. - Oh. There's a sixth phase? What is it?

- Uh, I don't know. - I don't know.

No.

Oh, God, no.

It's a mall Santa holding a chainsaw.

Mall Santa?

- Oh, my God. - Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Help!

What?

- What? No. - How the fuck is he levitating?

Oh, dear God. No, Santa.

I promise, I've been good.

Kill me!

We gotta get that fucking pizza.

What is up, my dude? Good to meet a fellow delivery unit.

- What is your name? - What the fuck?

- Hello… - What the Fuck?

Do you also delight in satisfying customers?

I do.

When I receive a rating of five stars, my circuits surge with digital euphoria,

but to receive anything less is failure.

Doom. Oblivion.

What the fuck?

Yes, and I am Snackatron.

All right, let's climb down.

The scaffolding is shaky as shit. We should probably go one at a time.

I almost biffed it.

Hey, is that a WorryWart?

Oh, um, yeah.

They're great, right?

Not the newer models.

They kind of suck because they added too many doodads.

There's like six more sides. It's terrible.

But you know, if you need any other recs, let me know.

Like for example, when I'm really freaking out,

it helps when someone grabs my right earlobe and blows on my nose.

Um, listen, I just wanna say I didn't ditch you guys.

- I just, you were like... - No, I get it.

You gotta go with the alphas.

I'm actually becoming an alpha myself.

What? What?

Oh.

Nothing happened.

Oh, yeah, no, I know. I just thought like something might.

Anyhow, cheers.

Guys!

Get down here!

Whoa.

It's the pajama party.

You guys think they have Jell-O shots?

- Who cares? - Montgomery.

- Montgomery. - Oh, my God, Ashley's here.

Montgomery, come meet my friends.

- What should I do? - Nothing.

- Should I go talk to her? - No, come on, we have a fucking mission.

Okay, I won't.

I'm not gonna go talk to her. I'm just gonna go talk to her.

- Get the fuck back over here. - Wish me luck.

- No, bad luck, you fucker. There he goes. - No! Fuck.

I'm honestly a little proud of him. Any other night this would be great.

Wait, whose dorm is this?

This is a football party.

Yo! We got kegs, beer pong, and I'm legally required to tell you

I'm a registered sex offender.

It's fine. Let's just keep moving and get to the pizza.

Jack?

Come in, come in. Guys, this is Montgomery.

- Montgomery, this is my band. - Oh. Hi, nice to meet you guys.

Okay, so what type of music do you guys play?

We play folk music.

- Oh, my gosh, I love folk. - Yeah? Here. Fliers.

Oh.

I guess technically it's new wave, non consensual death metal folk.

What type of instruments is that?

So George plays guitar, Simon's on horns, Tina's on drums, and I play Dudley.

Nice to meet you.

You play Dudley?

Yeah, I hook him up to this machine that simulates

the pains of childbirth, and then I create harmonies from his extracted screams.

- Fantastic. - Yeah.

- Hey. - Oh, it's you.

What are you doing under here? Come on, let's go.

Are you nuts? These animals will eat me alive.

- No, I'm staying right here. - Fine, whatever.

I'll just go figure out a way to get this pizza without you. Fine.

Great, good. Just go ditch us again.

Can you just stop with that? Okay? Because I didn't ditch you guys.

You were like my first month of school friends,

and then I found my real friends, and it happens to everyone.

Your real friends?

- Yes. - Give me a fucking break.

They don't like you. They like your credit card.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

You're just jealous because you're you.

And I'm me.

What just happened to my voice?

And why am I looking at me?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Am I in your body?

I don't know if you know this, but I recently became an alpha.

Oh, nice. Is this the coke room?

Whoops, sorry about that.

Anyhow, like I was saying, I hate soy boy beta cucks.

Did you just apologize to him?

Yeah, I mean, no, I mean...

Okay, I think I'm just gonna go hang out with my friends.

Wait. Uh…

Montgomery?

Huh?

What's going on? Where am I?

Wait. Oh, my God, am I?

What the fuck is this fucking drug?

- Are you okay? - I crave nectar.

Sorry?

I crave nectar.

Jack, did you paint your fingernails with Sharpie?

- Shut up. They look great. - What's wrong with you?

Yo.

- Lizzy? - Yeah?

- I'm not talking to you. Lizzy. - What?

Stop it.

Dude, what are you doing down here with Freak-ass Face?

Actually, I'm hanging out with him

because he fucking rules.

No, no, you don't think that. You think I blow.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

No, I don't, and I really wouldn't call his face freak-ass.

I would call it distinguished.

And I don't know why people keep saying that.

Yeah, you fucker, you do. You think people should spit in my face.

Spit in my face.

Thank you.

Okay. Well, we're over by the bar. Come hang.

What are you waiting for? Go hang.

I'm not hanging out with those assholes.

You go to them or I will rip your dick off.

You touch my dick, I will piss your skort.

Lizzy, Jell-O shots!

- Okay, fine. - Yes. Thank you.

But you owe me one.

Fine, just make me look good, please, please.

- Okay. - Yeah, appreciate it.

- What's up, sluts? - God, Jack.

Let's do some Jell-O shots! Line 'em up.

Hey, dude, could you grab that ball?

Also, I am legally required to inform you I'm a registered sex offender.

Huh?

- Wait. It's you. - It's me?

Oh, fuck, it's me.

Oh, fuck. My purse!

This can't be real. This can't be real.

I can't see shit. This phase sucks.

Whoa! Excuse me.

I shall have nectar!

I hope Lysander's being responsible with my body.

Hey, man, do a bump.

- Nectar! - Where are the stairs?

Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy!

Ow!

No, no. Hey, no, what are you doing?

- Oh, Logan, thank God. - You gotta hit him way harder than that.

- Huh? - You gotta lean into it. Use your back.

Yes, that's that shit I'm talking about, baby.

Oh, come on, where are the...

Stairs!

How does Lysander do this all the time?

I gotta take a break.

- Eyes front. - Wait, that voice. Is that…

Advisers, prepare yourselves.

Just down that hall,

there's a pajama party.

Oh, no.

And in it are the remaining students on our list.

List?

This list contains the name of every student in this dorm

- that has made our lives a living hell. - All right, let me see…

What? No, holy shit.

Did you just also just hear the tiniest voice in the world say, "Holy shit"?

We move quickly.

We confiscate their phones, unlock them with our secret weapon, and then use them

to submit a very specific housing request:

To transfer them to the worst dorm at this school.

- What? - I'm of course talking about…

Gralk Hall.

Located four hours away on a satellite campus forgotten by God.

Lit by candle, plumbed by aqueduct, and heated by the bitter breath

of unheard prayers.

Gralk is a cemetery for the living.

It turns even the good kids

into unforgiving feral beasts.

♪ Banished to Gralk The kids fade fast ♪

♪ Each breath more distant Than the last ♪

♪ Their lives are over, they never call ♪

♪ Forgotten names inside Gralk Hall ♪

Sorry, I like totally blacked out.

- Could you repeat that? - Go away!

We don't like you, okay? Go anywhere else but here.

For sure.

The rest of you, let's move out.

Oh, God. I gotta get back. I gotta warn 'em.

Yeah, I ordered everything off the menu.

Got the flank steak. Got the hanger steak.

- Got the fillet mignon. - Nectar.

Got the duck con fit. Got the gumbo.

Got the milk shake, chocolate and vanilla.

Hey, what the fuck, man? Who the fuck are you?

I am Lysander Featherhelm,

third of his name, Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.

I serve the one god Montgomery, and I shall have my nectar.

What the fuck?

I'm not Jack.

- Yes, yes! - Ow!

Oh. Oh, shit, yo, I gotta bounce. The party bus is here.

Wait. You need Lizzy. She's right over there.

- She's right over there. - Lizzy. Lizzy.

Shit. Yes, I guess we need her credit card.

Whatever.

- She'll meet us there. - Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy.

Lizzy.

Yes! I rule the…

School! Oh, fuck!

Lizzy, Lizzy.

Come on, Montgomery. Fly. Fly!

Oh, my God. Montgomery, are you okay?

Yeah… Wait, what did I do?

Ew.

Disgusting.

Okay. Wow. I mean, that was kind of incredible.

Yeah. Wait, what was?

You dominated that guy.

I don't know. I'm sorry, actually, I gotta go.

But nice seeing you. Hang later. Bye. Okay, well, I'll see you later.

So, thanks for making me look good.

- I owe you one. - You owe me two.

One.

- One and a half? - Zero.

One.

- Deal. - Oh!

Oh, my God. They're outside.

- Who? - They're kicking kids to Gralk Hall.

- Who is? - We gotta get out of here.

- What are you talking about, man? - Am I on cocaine?

Hide.

RAs!

Room check!

I can't believe that fucking worked!

Is someone there? No, please.

I'm stuck in here! You gotta help me! I'm gonna go fucking crazy!

- Oh, sugar! - In here.

- Go, go, go, go. - Shut it. Shut it. Shut it.

Monty, what the hell is going on?

The RAs are taking people's phones

and using them to request room transfers to Gralk Hall.

- And our names are on the list. - Fuck.

If we get sent to Gralk Hall, it won't even matter if we stop this drug.

I mean, what life will we even have left to live?

I know! Ashley will never date me.

I'll probably get scurvy, and they don't have any single rooms.

What about me? If I get sent to Gralk, then Logan will probably never talk to me.

Oh, this again. At least you'll survive.

These kids are gonna rip me apart like a pack of wild dogs.

Let's just focus up. The RAs need our phones, right?

So we just need to get the pizza and get out of the dorms,

and then we won't get chainsawed or Gralk'ed.

Okay. And in the meantime, we'll just hide here in the…

Oh, no.

Just grabbing something from the meeting room. I'll be right there.

- Cremble sauce! - Language.

How do we get out of here?

Vent. We go through the vent.

- You wanna crawl through the vent? - Are you insane?

What are you talking about? We need to think of something realistic.

Don't have too much fun without me.

You are blowing it. Pull yourself together, Sidney.

Hi.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize there were other people in here.

Uh, I'm Sidney. I'm new here, still meeting all the RAs.

- Hi. - How's it going?

- Good tidings. - Well, we really... We gotta get going, so…

Oh, actually…

Do you mind if I ask you some questions? I'm having kind of a hard time fitting in.

We really, really gotta go though.

Yeah, it's… Obviously, things are, like, crazy right now.

You guys probably have official RA duties to do, right?

No.

- I mean, no. What? - Hmm?

Sorry about him. What he means to say is no.

No, no.

Look, the truth is,

no, we don't have any RA duties.

Great, so we can talk. Let's grab a seat.

So I just started

and I feel like everyone's mad at me,

you know, but I don't know why, because I'm trying really hard and being nice,

and I guess I'm just looking for ways to connect with the other RAs.

Um, like, you know, what do you guys do in your free time?

Oh, not much. Sometimes I Google, "Is my penis foreskin too long?"

Hmm.

Yeah, well, I guess I meant more like communal activities.

Like, do you guys go to the gym together or exercise?

I only go to the gym to sneak peeks at other guys' foreskin

to see if mine is way longer than normal.

- What the fuck? - Totally.

Um, I'm just gonna pivot away from the moment you're having

and I'll pop it over to you.

- Pass. - No, can't pass.

Just trying to see if we're into the same things.

Like, what did you do last Saturday?

Oh, nothing really. I had breakfast,

and then I got banned from OldBuffDaddies.com

for violating their terms of service.

I don't want to ask, but I need to know. What'd you do?

I tried to pay a prostitute to impersonate my father and pay me compliments.

Okay, I feel like I need to change how I'm asking the questions.

I'm not talking about weird stuff you've done on the Internet.

More like, what's something you've done today?

I purchased a pill that's reported to shrink foreskins by 35%.

- I'm done talking to you. - Thank God.

- Maybe I'm talking to you. - Pass.

- There's no passing. - But I'm a woman.

- That won't work on me. - There should be passing.

- I didn't pass. - I'm not talking to you.

- Please don't. - All right, you, blonde girl.

What have you done today?

I got my nails done.

Okay, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's keep it in that gear, huh? What else?

I went number two in Logan's toilet,

but it clogged and I didn't want him to see my poop,

so I put it in a bag, and that bag's still in my purse.

Okay.

- Are you okay? - No.

Okay. I gotta ask. Why are y'all doing this stuff?

Because I'm seeking external validation

to alleviate my deep-seated fear of being alone.

Oh, my gosh. I think I'm starting to understand something.

You guys are friends because you reveal

your ugliest, darkest truths to one another.

And you don't judge each other for it. That's what friendship is, huh?

So I'll join you.

I'm just gonna tell you guys something I've never told anyone before.

- You don't have to. - I'm gonna.

- Okay. - My name is Sidney Putt.

I am 31 years young.

I like to dress up as the Grinch in a diaper

while sucking down a bunch of helium, so I sound like a baby.

That feels incredible to share.

Thank you all for creating the space for me to say that.

Great. Well, we've really got to get going.

Absolutely, yeah, I'll see you guys at the next RA meeting.

No, you won't because we're not RAs. We're students on the Gralk Hall list.

Huh?

- Blake! Blake! No. Blake! - Run!

- Help! Let me go! - Help! No, stop it.

- Let her go. - It's your first day. What do you care?

- Blake! - Let her go or I'll throw it at you.

- Okay, okay. - I'll do it. Don't test me.

- Okay. Take it easy. - I'm on the freaking edge.

- I'll do it. - No, you won't.

- Yay! Hey, we're here. We're here. - Snackatron!

- Hello, Montgomery. - The robot! The robot!

Before you receive your food from…

I'm not doing it again. Get out of here.

…you must agree to the following terms.

Item one:

You agree not to sue Snackatron LLC for any harm caused by Snackatron 3000…

- Hey, hi, Logan. - Lizzy! What the fuck?

You have to pay the driver, or he won't let me honk the horn!

Oh, uh… Sorry, yeah, I just… I have to eat some pizza real quick.

We've got pizza on the bus. Just get here.

You agree not to fall in love or lust with Snackatron.

Hey. So they've got pizza on the bus.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm. - So I'm gonna head there,

but, um, please don't tell anyone about my purse.

- Oh, it's just shit. - I've actually done the exact same thing.

You may not teach Snackatron to be racist.

- Thanks, guys. I'll see you. - And you may never, ever ride Snackatron.

- Do you agree to these terms? - Yes.

Please click agree.

- Yes! - Fuck yeah!

Are you satisfied with your order?

God, let's eat this quick and get the fuck out of here

before we get sent to Gralk Hall.

Wait, what were you saying before about single rooms?

Oh, nothing, just that I'm requesting a room transfer

because I don't want to live with you anymore.

What?

Hello, boys. We've been looking for you.

You made quite the mess in my room.

So, are you satisfied with your order?

Collect their phones.

And take them to the wellness lounge.

Montgomery, are you satisfied with your order?

Are you satisfied with your order?

Wait! Wait, okay? Hey, let go of me! We have rights, damn it!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Wait. You don't understand. Wait! At least give us our pizza.

At least give us our pizza. We need to eat pizza.

Do you have any pizza?

Do you have any pizza?

Fuck, Jack. What do we do?

You're requesting a room transfer?

No. Oh, good, we can lie again.

- Shit. - So you're fucking ditching me.

- I'm not ditching you. - Well, kind of looks like it.

- What the fuck else would you call it? - It's not...

Oh, don't start. You know what?

You are just like everybody else,

- but it's okay. It's fine. - Jack.

Yeah, I get it because being around me is just, what, social suicide?

- It's okay. Leave me behind. - That's not what I...

I might as well just move here into the wellness lounge with my people.

- Jack. Jack! - The scum, the forgotten folk.

- But it's fine. - I want...

- It's a five-star fucking establishment. - I want some time...

And you and your butterfly can just forget that I exist.

- After everything I've done for you… - I'm not

you ungrateful asshole.

Oh, my God, would you stop being such a fucking victim?

I wanted to switch rooms because I need a fucking break.

I'm sorry, Jack, but living with you, it's like the Jack show all the time.

You do whatever you want to do without thinking about anyone else.

Okay, well, when the fuck were you planning on telling me this?

- I'm not a mind reader. - You don't listen.

You ignore me and then pressure me to do shit that I don't wanna do.

Name one thing I pressured you to do.

Drugs! I didn't want to do drugs tonight.

I don't even like drinking caffeinated tea.

But boo-hoo,

everybody hates Jack, so we gotta do what you wanna do

because apparently I don't count.

And now we're locked up in here.

We're gonna get chainsawed up the ass.

The RAs are sending us to Gralk Hall and...

What the… What the fuck?

What the hell is going on?

And I have no idea what that was, but I know it was your fault.

Oh, please, if it wasn't for me, you'd never leave your room.

You would sit there, buried under your fucking covers, afraid to breathe,

because you are the most pathetic, biggest pussy I have ever met.

Gee, Jack, I really don't see why everybody hates your fucking guts.

- Fuck you. - Fuck you.

Him. Take him to the old study hall.

So remember when I said I wasn't gonna fart on their faces and…

Oh, shit, she's here.

Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy!

Sorry, where's that pizza?

Oh, shit, the pizza.

I just… I lied to you because you were taking forever.

Also, why do you smell vaguely of poop?

- I'll be right back. - Wait, you need to pay the driver!

Are you satisfied with your order?

Are you satisfied with your order? Are you satisfied with your order?

Are you satisfied with your order?

- Are you satisfied with your order? - Snackatron,

did you see where those two guys went?

Take them to the wellness lounge.

Cremble sauce!

I must know if Montgomery was satisfied with his order.

Hello, Jack.

Welcome.

Do you like the old study hall?

This room was built as a sanctuary

for hardworking students to research their theses and prepare for exams.

But now…

It's nothing but rubble.

What?

It's nothing but rubble.

Thank you.

The RAs recruited me young.

They promised me the world.

All I had to do was keep an eye on things after dark.

What they didn't mention

is that the dark never ends.

Try as I might, I couldn't calm the chaos.

This study hall was destroyed

when a drunken sophomore shot a Roman candle out of his ass

into a bucket of rum.

You see? There are no scholars here.

Only demons with student IDs.

And they must be purged.

All we need now is to unlock their phones.

And you, Jack, are the key.

Early Internet message boards predicted the coming of the chosen face.

One so distinct, so peculiar.

- So utterly freak-ass… - Come on.

…It would profoundly beguile every phone's face ID.

A skeleton key.

For nearly all of fall semester, we have searched for this face.

And now we've found it.

One face to unlock them all.

Montgomery.

Montgomery.

Montgomery.

Where is the pizza?

The RAs took it.

Okay, well, come on. W-We gotta go get it.

No, I'm done. I'm staying here.

With the forgotten folk.

What are you talking about?

Wait, how did you get in here?

The door only locks from the inside.

Now how are we gonna get out of here?

Come on, come on.

You can do it. Prove them wrong, Snackatron.

Prove them all wrong!

Yippee!

Only 182 left to go.

I can't believe we're crawling through a fucking vent.

Keep going. It's gotta dump out somewhere.

I just wanted a quiet night in.

I keep getting friction burns.

Hey, why did you stop?

Lysander?

Lysander? Hey, hey, buddy, you okay?

Lysander.

Hey.

He's… dead.

I can't. What the fuck?

- Montgomery? - Oh, what the hell?

- Hey, Montgomery. Montgomery. - Oh, shit, I lost my butterfly.

I lost my best friend.

You have to keep it together. We have to get the pizza from the RAs.

No, I can't. There's too many of them.

Jack was right. I'm not an alpha.

I'm a fucking pussy.

- Montgomery, calm down. Hey, look at me. - I'm having a panic attack.

- Look at me. - No.

- Look at me. - No.

- Montgomery. Hey! - Just let me die!

Listen, you are not an alpha.

But you're also not a pussy.

You stood by your best friend when nobody else did.

That is brave.

I couldn't do that.

I, uh…

I didn't do that.

I ditched you guys.

I guess I thought that if I was friends with you,

then people wouldn't like me.

But turns out people don't like me very much anyway.

What?

Who doesn't like you?

You're, like, the coolest person I've ever met.

You're smart. You're good at board games.

You do magic.

I mean, you're Lizzy the Magnificent.

Sorry we didn't get to finish the game.

Yeah.

That would've been nice to finally…

The game! That's it.

Remember last campaign how we created

that musical distraction with the merry minstrels?

Yeah, but what does that have to do with…

Let's go storm the Fortress of Thalamir.

Wait.

Sorry, I have no idea what we're doing.

Oh, right, I have to be more specific.

The RAs took Jack and the pizza to the old study hall,

and I have a plan to distract them.

Okay.

I am doing it.

There we go.

Still looking for a gig?

Sorry, I need more information.

Oh, right, sorry, I have to be more specific.

The RAs took Jack...

That's the last phone.

We're all set here, sir.

Listen up.

Tonight is a momentous occasion.

The phones are all unlocked, synchronized, and wired to the control panel.

Soon the transfer requests will be sent.

Our watch will finally be ended.

And a bright new day shall…

Sorry, what is that music?

We are Flesh Grenade.

Get ready for some fucking folk music!

What in the absolute fuck?

- What are you guys doing? - Shh. We're rescuing you.

- Hi. - Hi.

You look good.

Thank you, I know.

How have you been?

Fine, like you care.

If you're gonna talk like that, maybe I won't untie you.

- Maybe I don't want to be untied. - Maybe I'll add more rope.

Shut the fuck up.

- What the fuck? Give that back. - Show's over.

- Give it back. - Get the fuck out. Let's go.

- No. - Everyone get out. Take it outside.

We only have a few moments,

so you guys are gonna go get the phones, I'm gonna go get the pizza,

and then we're gonna reconvene at the stairwell

and then sneak out quietly.

- Got it? - Got it.

- Great. - Fuck you.

Let's move.

Montgomery!

- Fuck! - Are you satisfied with your order?

Look who's joined the party.

The last names on my list.

- Montgomery. - Hi.

Lizzy.

Can I just ask, why am I being sent to Gralk Hall?

I'm a really well-behaved kid.

I mean, I'm polite. I'm nice.

I'm responsible with my body in the dorms.

I tell you guys my favorite puns.

You're weird and we don't like you.

Copy that.

Fine, you caught us.

Can we at least just have the pizza?

Pizza?

Oh, this pizza. Yeah, it feels like it's missing a topping.

Maybe, uh…

Toxic waste.

- What? No! - No!

Montgomery must be satisfied with his order!

- Yes! - Yes!

Oh, no!

Goddamn it, Snackatron.

Ah.

Well, time to die.

What? Are you gonna fucking kill us?

We're not…

No, we're not gonna kill you.

We're gonna like beat you guys up a bunch.

But how does that sound? "Time to beat you guys up a bunch"?

It scans weird.

I… Whatever. Just hurt them.

What's happening?

Oh, shit. It's the next phase.

Which one is this?

We are all one!

- What the hell? - Is everyone okay?

What just happened?

Where are we?

I think we're all inside some guy.

Oh, my God. I know what this is.

We're not "one." We're…

Hola.

My name is Juan.

What the fuck is this fucking drug? Goddamn it.

Who's controlling the legs?

- Me! - Who's me?

Jack! This is impossible.

- What's happening? - Shut up.

We need to move as one.

Did you say, "Juan"?

I said, "One." Move as one.

Wait, one or Juan?

- One. - It doesn't matter. Come on.

Ow.

- Get off of me. - You get off of me.

Guys, we need to focus.

- We're running out of time. - Enough.

And we're about to get our asses kicked.

Get 'em!

- Oh, my... - God.

Do something.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hi-yah!

What is happening?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait. Scorpion kick, scorpion kick.

Please, can we do a scorpion kick?

Thank you!

Whoa!

Well, everyone, here I am, the real me.

I'm not hiding anymore.

Oh. Good for you, man.

Okay.

Y'all are freaks.

- You forgot your balloons. - Keep 'em.

Oh, fuck.

Shit, shit.

- Get to the control panel. - We gotta stop the RAs.

Shit, shit, shit. I don't know how this works.

- What do I do? - Just break 'em.

- Shit. - Fucking destroy it.

Jack, Jack, Jack, give it up.

There's nothing you can do.

You can't stop this.

I can't?

No.

Except I can.

A third-party charger.

Wait! No, damn it, damn it!

Unhand me.

Wait, Jack! Look.

I've still got your phone.

I press send and that's it, you're transferred to Gralk Hall.

So before you fry those phones,

let's make a deal.

You give me that, I'll give you this.

And that will be that.

Plus, I'll sweeten it,

and I'll make you an RA, huh?

Why the fuck would I want that?

Because, Jack…

You know the truth.

No one at this school is ever going to forgive you

for what you did to the football team.

But you know what's better than being liked?

Being feared.

Power, Jack.

No one will ever bully you again.

Are you really gonna turn that down

to save a bunch of people who hate your guts?

Your own roommate was ditching you.

Save him and you'll rot in Gralk Hall.

Or with me on your side,

you can finally rule the school.

It's okay.

Montgomery,

I'm sorry.

Looks like I'll be shipping out.

What?

So next year, I want you to find the best new roommate.

- Jack. - Find someone who's gonna listen to you.

- Jack, no. You don't have to do this. - Jack.

I want you to tell that roommate to treat you good.

Jack, we could come up with something else.

Tell them to do all that boring bullshit that you like,

like the puzzles or that game…

- Come on. - …where you try to guess my favorite bird.

- Eagle? - It's not eagle. Quit guessing eagle.

I don't want this, Jack.

This is the only way.

- No, I changed my mind, Jack. - Jack.

I wanna room with you.

What you want isn't what you need, man.

- Jack. - I need you.

- I love you, Montgomery. - Jack!

- I love you, Jack. - I love you so much,

and I don't tell you enough.

Jack. The deal, the deal.

Come on. Be smart, Jack.

You have to think about yourself, okay?

No.

I need to think about other people's dicks.

What? No!

Goddamn it! You idiot!

Enjoy Gralk Hall!

Oh, Blake.

You forgot one thing.

I'm Lizzy the Magnificent, bitch.

Oh, my gosh!

- Oh! - How did she do that?

- I don't know. - That was incredible.

Fuck this!

Oh, shit.

Well, time to beat you to death with a pipe.

- That doesn't scan either. - Shut the fuck up!

Which one of you is first, huh?

Which one of you...

Remember me?

Lysander!

You crushed my wings. You squashed my body.

You left me for dead…

- Get away. - …but you didn't finish the job.

Get away from me! Get away from me!

From the depths of the dormitory vents,

- I have returned. - Fuck!

Fuck you, butterfly.

Go get him, Lysander.

My name is Lysander Featherhelm,

Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.

I serve the one god Montgomery,

and I shall have my vengeance.

Scorpion kick!

No!

Victory, the sweetest nectar.

Monty, I'll see you at home.

Oh, shit. I got you, bud.

Oh, shit.

- Thanks. - Sure. I owed you one.

Well, guys, we did it.

We defeated the RAs. We ate the pizza.

Oh, wait.

What's happening?

What is that?

Oh, my God.

It's him.

The Rat King.

Hi, Lizzy. Remember me?

This fucking cunt.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm you, Jack.

The you you're scared you'll become.

Boring. Sober.

Obsessed with my bird feeder.

I also review sparkling water brands on YouTube.

Oh, my fuck.

- What's wrong with that? - That honestly sounds nice.

Fuck off.

Run!

Go!

- Shit. - What do we do?

What?

Time to float like graceful falcons.

They tried to censor us, but we will not be silenced!

Thank you! And good night!

Why did we think that would work?

Fuck off. That was fun.

There are so many condoms in here.

It's on your face.

I landed on the condom.

Hey, make a wish.

I wish I didn't land on the condom.

Well, look on the bright side, guys.

At least we got away from the nightmares.

Montgomery.

Let's go.

Let's go!

I wrote a complaint letter to Microsoft after they discontinued my favorite font.

God, no!

- Come on. Come on. - Fuck!

Well, well, well.

Hello again, dickheads.

How are you not dead?

You thought you could kill me?

- Get off the box! - Get your foot off the box!

It's gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of Blake!

- Grab him. - Hold him down.

What the fuck?

Open wide.

Happy sailing.

Do not take more than a single dose.

If you do, you will see the true horrible nature of reality.

…falling apart.

I just think my biggest concern right now

is how little of this makes any sense at all.

- Like what? - What do you mean like what?

Like… Okay, for example, how many college freshmen do you know

that own a pet butterfly?

That's what you find unbelievable?

We have a scene where the three leads become a Venezuelan man.

Fine. But we gotta come up with a better title than Pizza Movie.

Of course we're not calling it Pizza Movie. That's a placeholder.

I mean, if we can't beat that, I'm gonna walk into the goddamn ocean.

What the fuck?

Oh, God, one of the actors is here.

Hey, man, can you just give us like ten minutes please? Thanks.

Oh, so listen, I told my grandfather he could have a part.

Is that okay?

No.

W-We're in a movie?

We're in a low-budget movie.

My character's not written with any nuance at all.

I'm a caricature.

I, like, only deliver exposition.

What the fuck was that?

Mont... Montgomery.

Were you satisfied with your fucking order?

Yes, Snackatron.

Yes, we were.

Thank you for ordering from…

Finally alone. Time to measure the length of my foreskin.

Wait, is this robot still recording...

Goodbye.

Tell my story.

Lizzy!

Lizzy, let's go!

Montgomery. Over here.

- Hey, thanks for the gig. - Thank you.

You ready?

Let's get this night going.

I'm about to honk that horn like you won't believe.

Oh, my God, I feel so alive after performing.

Yeah, I can imagine with the electric torture.

Yeah.

Anyway, um, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out sometime.

Lizzy. You gonna give the driver your freaking credit card?

What's up?

Montgomery?

- Montgomery... - No thank you.

- No? - No.

I do not think we are a good match.

- Why? - You scare the shit out of me.

But, hey, good… good luck on the music.

You're... It's killer. Killer good, dawg.

Lizzy! Stop thinking pensively

and get your freaking credit card out and give it to the...

Oh, my God. Logan.

Have fun.

Are you dead?

Hey, Freak-ass Face.

What time is it?

It's gotta be 5:00 a.m.

It's only 8:30. All that only took 45 minutes?

You guys wanna do something?

Wanna finish our game?

I'm down.

Me too.

And I…

Am also down.

Oh, man. College is awesome.

I love being 19.

Grandpa, don't look at the camera.

- Don't talk to me that way. - Dude, this isn't working.

- Let's cut him. - Fine.

All right, should we start from scratch or pick up where we left off?

- Let's do it from scratch. - Yeah?

We got it.

- Oh, my God. This is exciting. - Okay, cool then…

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice Happy, happy, happy, nice ♪

♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice Happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice Happy, nice, happy, nice ♪

♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice Happy, nice, happy ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Someone's gonna die today ♪

♪ We're all gonna die today ♪