All language subtitles for Night at the Museum_ Kahmunrah Rises Again (2022)

Literally walking here!

You little brat!

Nobody is stealing your toilet paper, Grandma.

He asked me to come to his comedy show.

I swear. The best Broadway show last night.

COMING SOON

KAHMUNRAH The Disappointing Son

FRAGILE

I got rhythm I've got a new job

Your boy, Ronnie's gonna be a star

Holy cow! Look at this place.

The acoustics are… amazing--

Well, look at you, big guy.

Try not to upstage me, Mr. Naughty Bones.

Okay, Ronnie, just gotta get through this snoozefest of a night job,

nail your auditions during the day, and then Broadway pays the bills, baby.

Night Guard

A manual, huh?

INSTRUCTION MANUAL

I'm more of an improv guy.

Man, being this talented is exhausting.

I'm awake.

What?

Hello?

What? Where'd you come from? Give me that.

That's stealing, you thieving little chimp!

That's no chimp.

That's a capuchin, a new-world monkey from Central and South America,

donated to this museum in the year 1962.

Who are you supposed to be?

Theodore Roosevelt, President of these United States.

Great. My first night, and I get a wacko with a monkey.

-I'm calling the police. -I wouldn't do that.

I give this guy three minutes, tops.

Are you the new night guard?

Yeah.

Good. 'Cause we never found the old night guard.

He swears he didn't eat him!

Night guard!

Laaa make popcorn.

Popcorn hot.

-Did you see where he went? -Huh?

No. He's a slippery one.

Yep.

Found you, night guard!

Tiny people!

Hey! Who are you calling tiny, Gigantor?

-Stop right there. -Huh?

I, Joan of Arc, have had a heavenly vision of the future,

and you're not in it because you're dead. Boop.

Come on.

Why?

Why?

Two minutes and two seconds. That's a new record, everyone!

Hope you had fun-fun, dumb-dumb.

MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

Forget this job! Forget Broadway!

-I'm going back to Ohio! -Hey.

Great. There goes another one.

Seriously, guys? Again?

Evening, Lawrence.

I presume you saw that man fleeing in abject terror?

Very funny, Teddy.

But listen, you gotta stop scaring the new guys off, okay?

I'm leaving for the summer, and I need someone to replace me.

Sorry, Larry, but he wasn't a good fit for us.

If only there were a fine young gentleman with your last name

that would be a perfect fit for this institution.

Dropping hints left and right.

Oh, no. I'll call McPhee.

Mother, this bubble bath you sent me is too sudsy.

I can't find my boats.

Dr. McPhee, it's Larry.

Right!

Well, just so you know, "Mother" is my pet name for my supermodel girlfriend.

Uh-huh.

Well, we got a little problem.

The new night guard that you just hired just quit.

Woe is me.

Where else in New York City will I find

someone who's capable of sitting at a desk and staring blankly into space?

Besides, this isn't your problem.

You're going off to your fancy new position at the Tokyo Museum.

Look, I still really care about this place, all right?

And I'm gonna find the right person for the job.

Whatever. I'm doing my pores now.

What am I gonna do?

Here's an idea that we just came up with. What about Master Nick?

You know, the smaller, healthier version of you?

Ha ha.

But why do you guys keep insisting that I hire my son?

-He knows the secret of this place. -Why, he practically grew up here.

-And he would never run away. -Like the last guy. Remember him?

Yeah. He was just here.

I don't know.

This is a big job, and Nick's still trying to find his footing and confidence.

I mean, he's still just a teenager.

Teenager schmeenager. You were a teenager when you first started.

No, I wasn't.

I meant mentally. Emotionally.

Larry, Nick is a smart, capable kid,

and we believe that he is the perfect fit to protect this museum.

Huh. You might be right. Maybe it is Nick's time to shine.

-Coming through! -Huh?

Out of the way! Step aside!

Sorry.

Mia.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Hi, Mia.

What brings you here to this side of the hallway?

I'm auditioning for jazz band next fall. Aren't you, Mr. DJ Perfect Pitch?

Wow.

You can correctly identify any note in any song at any time,

and suddenly you've got a nickname.

I think it's cool.

You dropped an orange.

Yeah.

My mom makes me take a piece of fruit whenever I leave the house.

Then she texts me to make sure I ate it.

That's her now.

"Orange you getting hungry?"

Okay. That's not embarrassing.

Fruit jokes. Very mom.

So, I heard you got a summer job at a yogurt place?

Yeah. It was that or play bass in a subway station

for loose change and unsolicited criticism.

Cool.

I mean, yogurt's cool. Otherwise, it would melt.

High five for yogurt. Never mind.

Don't know why I did that.

So, since you're gonna be here for the summer, maybe you want to,

maybe one night, you know, go on--

Wait! I forgot, I'm late for my--

Nick Daley. This is your last call. I'm waiting.

Sorry, Ms. Montefusco.

I'm auditioning for jazz band in the fall.

I didn't know you played an instrument.

Well, technically, I don't.

-You're a singer? -No.

-Deck crew? -No.

-Tech crew? -Uh-uh.

-Composer? -No.

-Roadie? -Nope.

-Stand mover-upper-downer? -No, ma'am.

Are you sure you're in the right room? Because that last one wasn't even a thing.

Actually, I'm a deejay.

A deejay?

I know this may seem a little out-there,

but I have this idea to accompany the band.

I'd start with a classic jazz loop,

and mix it with a vaporwave thing with some microtonality,

and two against three polyrhythms.

A what?

It's a multi-tonal PolyWave that--

Never mind the technical name.

There's a little bit of a buildup, but wait till you hear the bass drop.

Okay. Here we go.

I'm right on time for my audition slot,

Ms. Montefusco

'Cause everyone knows Being on time is cool

What's up, Rick?

Hi, Bodhi. It's Nick.

And your low E-string is a quarter tone off.

Wait your turn, Bodhi.

Nick here was just in the middle of convincing me

to add a deejay to jazz band.

A jazz band deejay? That sounds so not normal.

Let's give him a chance, Bodhi.

It takes guts to try something with such a high chance of failure.

To risk that kind of embarrassment,

he must be extremely confident in his abilities.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, sorry, that was the wrong one.

Wait.

Forget it. This was a terrible idea.

-Actually, I-- -What was I thinking?

I'm sorry I wasted your time, and possibly broke your piano.

I'll just take my leave.

I mean, who says that, right? I'll be going now.

Nick, wait.

Ms. Montefusco, I'm pretty sure it's Rick.

Yo, Nick. How'd the audition go?

Great! Just great.

I was so extremely confident in my abilities that I decided to quit,

and, you know, leave them wanting more.

Okay.

So, you were saying something before you went in.

How we're both gonna be here over the summer,

and how, I don't know, maybe we should go on a…

What? No.

I just, I was just gonna wish you good luck.

Okay. Well, have a great summer, I guess.

Yeah. Bye.

I'm such an idiot.

All right.

Classic Daley father-son dinner night just like old times.

Yay. Dinner.

Man. I'm sorry about your audition, bud.

How you holding up?

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I can't get in the band. I can't ask the girl I like out.

I'm useless.

It's like I step up to the free-throw line,

but I'm so afraid of missing the shot that I don't take it at all.

Basketball metaphors. Okay.

Well, buddy, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Although, I guess if you're at the line,

that's a free throw, so you have to take it.

It doesn't matter.

Anyway, speaking of taking a shot,

what if I told you I got you the best summer job ever?

Is it at a beach resort in Saint Bart's?

What? No.

Wait for it.

Night guard at the museum!

What?

That's hot.

Are you serious?

Yes!

Now that I'm gonna be director of the Tokyo Museum,

I need someone to take my place, and you're the only person who fits the bill.

It's just,

I love hanging out with everyone at the museum,

but a night guard is a big deal.

I literally can't do anything right.

You do not want me in charge of a museum, okay?

I'll just mess it up.

Buddy, when have you ever messed anything up?

Dang it.

Here.

Thanks.

I don't know, Dad.

Just 'cause you did the job doesn't mean I can.

I'm not sure I've got what it takes.

Sure you do. You're a Daley.

Anyway.

Look, Nicky, I know you've been knocked down a couple of times,

but that's just 'cause you're not seeing things through.

You just need to get your confidence back.

And I've got a hunch that this museum job will do just that.

How?

You're just gonna have to trust me on this.

That museum has a way of bringing things to life,

and I'm not just talking about the exhibits.

So, what do you say?

Okay. But I'm pretty sure Mom has other plans.

Oh, trust me.

Your mother and I have co-parenting down to a science,

and she is going to love this museum idea.

I don't love this museum idea.

-J-- -Nope!

I'm telling you, Erica, this is a good idea.

Larry, have you ever noticed that all of your ideas revolve around the museum?

Nick, could you give us a minute?

Sure.

I thought you guys were gonna go somewhere else.

Okay. Yeah, no, I'll just go work on my music,

which will never be appreciated by anyone.

Night guard?

Do you really think that's gonna help Nick become a confident and capable adult?

He doesn't even return my fruit texts.

You're one in a melon
What?

Look, I know he's got some growing up to do,

but I think this job is precisely what he needs.

Along with a soundproof room.

How is Nick supposed to learn how to lead people if he's all alone in a museum?

No, no, no, he won't be alone.

There's a big, fun, you know, night crew.

Night crew?

I really think we should sign Nick up

for the Genius Entrepreneurship Enrichment Camp.

You realize that spells "Geec," right?

Right. Well, math is the new sports.

Look, Larry--

Erica, you remember what I was like before we split up.

I was not my best self. I just wasn't.

But that museum job, it changed me for the better,

and I think it'll change Nick too.

You know what, Larry? You're right. You did change.

And, I don't know how or why, but working there turned your life around.

Almost like magic.

Watch it.

Yeah. Almost.

You know, you and I didn't always see eye to eye as a couple,

but you've always been a good dad.

If you think this will help Nick, I'm willing to give it a try.

Thank you.

For what it's worth, we still make a pretty good team.

Yeah.

But if anything happens to my sweet baby boy,

I will go to Japan and personally throw you into Mount Fuji!

That's fair.

Nicky, was that all you? Bud, you've got real talent.

Thanks, but no one's ever gonna hear it.

Well, how about a little good news?

Mom said yes! You start tomorrow.

Cool.

Hey, if I can do it, I know you can.

You'll be fine.

Because, if anything happens to you, your mom's gonna kill me.

But it won't.

This is your shot, kid. Here.

You're gonna need it.

It's yours now.

I believe in you, Nicky.

That makes one of us.

Well, well, well. If it isn't Nick Daley, my new night watchman.

Right on time at three minutes late.

Sorry, Dr. McPhee.

Look, the only reason I agreed to give you this position

is because your late father--

My father's still alive.

I know, but he was always late, just like you are right now.

Anyway, he assured me you'd be a responsible replacement.

My feeling is that you won't be

because I inherently distrust and dislike teenagers.

-Dang it. -That slipped out.

Oh, no.

Okay. Well, you probably have important museum doctor stuff to do, so--

Rexy, heel.

That was weird. You're a weird boy, and you make me uncomfortable.

If anything happens to my priceless exhibits,

it's coming out of your paycheck.

And please don't do anything fireable tonight.

Okay, he's gone!

Night guard!

Yeah!

Hey, everybody.

Nice to see you too, Dexter.

Here's your crown back, Attila.

-Nick. -You're welcome.

Nick. Nick, Nick, Nicky, Nicky, Nick!

Very inventive, Laaa.

But please put the extinguisher back when you're done with it.

Good idea.

It's great to see you again, Nick.

What a fantastic idea to hire you for this position.

-I wonder whose idea that was, huh? -Right.

You have some foam on your nose.

We're thrilled that you will be carrying on the Daley tradition.

Not "daily," as in daytime. "Daley," as in your last name.

Obviously, you will be working at night. I'll stop talking now so you can speak.

It'll be great to hang out with you guys every night.

I just hope I'm up to the job.

Of course you are. All you need is grit, moxie, and--

Give me gum-gum, Dumb-Dumb's son-son.

My name's Nick, and I don't have gum.

You do now,

'cause you stepped in some-some.

I'm just gonna block him out.

Nicola!

Never turn your back on conflict.

We must have the courage to face our enemies,

not bury our heads in the sand like the cowardly ostrich.

Not everything is about you, Jiji.

Right. Thanks, Joan. Good advice.

She scares me a little.

I know, right?

Just as the Roman army was emboldened to take Carthage,

we shall now take that giant candy bar!

Charge!

Yeah!

Jedediah. Octavius.

You guys are gonna need a longer rope. Or some cash.

Want me to unwrap it for you?

That won't be necessary, Nicholas.

I am a master swordsman, trained in the elite Praetorian guard.

Maybe you could just rip the corner a little.

I love me my nougats.

Nick! We have a surprise for you.

In honor of your first night at the museum, we all got you gifts.

Mine is my old glasses case.

Thanks, Teddy. But I don't wear glasses. Also, somebody shot this?

That case saved me from an assassin's bullet.

I consider it a good luck charm, and I'd like you to have it.

Of course, now and again,

I'll need to borrow it to put my glasses in, or sometimes mints.

I keep mints in it also. Little secret.

Here, Nick.

Thanks, Sacagawea. Authentic Shoshone Indian beads.

Actually, they're from the gift shop.

I also got you this poster.

A poster of your museum.

Our museum.

Thanks.

Hey, Dexter. Is that banana for me?

Laaa unscathed.

I've been reading Laaa the dictionary. Trying to build his vocabulary.

Sacagawea adequate teacher.

Hey, guys, my dad's calling.

Say hi, everybody.

Laaa!

Dada!

I'm not your father, Laaa. We've covered this.

So, how's the Tokyo Museum?

It's pretty cool.

They've got a robot here that gives tours.

Welcome to the Tokyo Museum.

And the toilets? Smarter than I am.

Welcome to the toilet.

Anyway, you know the rule.

Yep. "The tablet brings everything to life,

and everyone's gotta be in the museum by sunrise, or they turn to dust."

Established that.

Right, but just one more thing. Don't forget to lock the basement.

The basement?

Sure. No problem.

Right, but before you do that,

I'm gonna need you to go down through the basement

and lock the loading dock.

Do I have to, Dad?

Hey, gang, can you give me and my son a moment?

-Yeah, sure. -You got it.

-These are the moments you remember. -Cat's in the cradle. Roger that.

We'll be over here looking at something else.

Nicky, I know you've always been afraid of the basement, and that's okay

because there's some seriously scary stuff down there.

But this is the most important part of the job.

Sometimes new exhibits come in, and they could be dangerous.

Okay. Got it.

You're going to be fine, buddy. All right?

I know the museum's in good hands with you,

because you're not just my son, you're the best person I know.

And you can do anything,

specifically starting with locking the loading dock, I would advise.

Gotta go.

I tried ordering pizza in Japanese,

and some delivery guy just showed up with several tanks of lobsters. So…

Bye, Dad.

All right, Nick. Here we go!

Your first big charge as the night guard. We're all counting on you to keep us safe.

Okay. Off to the basement! Off I go. What could go wrong?

He'll be all right, right?

Oh, he'll be fine. You heard the man. What could go wrong?

Come on, Nick. You're the night guard now, and you just gotta lock the loading dock.

Don't be scared.

It's really scary in here. Just don't be scared.

Dad said the one thing I have to do is lock the loading dock.

And that's all I gotta do. That's it.

'Cause I'm the night guard, and it's my job to lock the loading dock.

Gotta get through this.

Get it off! Goodbye.

Okay, how hard can this be?

Nuts.

Come on. Come on.

What was that?

Oh, no.

Whoops.

Stupid keys. Which key is it?

Come on, come on, come on!

Well, good enough!

I love messing with the new guys.

You think we were too much?

Nah. Why should the gang upstairs have all the fun?

Behold!

As written by Anubis in the Book of the Dead,

I, Kahmunrah, have returned!

Time to commence my plan to rule the world!

Which is going to have to wait a sec because my foot's asleep.

Wake up, foot. Wake up.

I command you to stop tingling!

Welp, all done locking the loading dock with locks.

So, how did it go?

Oh, dear. Why are you so sweaty?

Global warming?

Come on. Who knew burning coal would lead to all this?

Did someone turn on a fan?

I'm sure Woolly just broke some wind.

Well, no judgment here.

But let's clean these up.

Can't have a mess my first night on the job.

Wait! There's something missing.

Well, it's not the locked loading dock door.

That's not missing, because I locked it.

No. The tablet! The tablet is missing!

Come on, guys.

If we don't find that tablet, everyone in this museum is in danger.

-She's right. Let's go. -Bully!

Oh, no.

Where could it be? Who could've taken it?

I did.

That's right, Larry, I'm back, and you…

Look different? Have you had work done?

Larry's my dad. Who are you supposed to be?

Zip it, son of Larry.

You will refer to me as Kahmunrah, King of Kings.

-Good gravy! -Nick!

Your father thought he defeated me, but I'm back with a vengeance.

Where did you even come from?

The basement. Duh.

I thought you locked it.

I did.

Okay, I heard a scary noise and I chickened out.

That was me! I was the scary noise.

I was trying this new guttural thing.

Well, it worked better with the acoustics in the basement.

And now that I have the tablet,

I'll use it to awaken my army of the underworld.

That sounds bad.

It is bad.

And don't interrupt me.

I'll rule the world, and--

Dude, just give me back the tablet.

You did it again. You interrupted me. I want to kill you so many times.

Kahmunrah.

As I was saying, I'll rule the world, and everyone will bow to me.

Kahmunrah out.

Quick, he's headed through the Hall of Miniatures.

Where do you think you're going, tough guy?

Feel the wrath of my mighty sword!

Fire!

Fie on my penchant for sandals.

There he is!

Get back here, so I can stab you in the other foot!

Come on, guys.

Charge!

-Nick! -Oh, no!

Thank the god of personal training.

And with power like that,

you'll never stop me from taking revenge on all those who doubted me.

Especially you, Daddy.

You wouldn't let me be king of Egypt.

But forget Egypt. I'll be king of the world!

Well, you can take the boy out of the underworld,

but you can't take the underworld out of the boy.

He's headed for the Africa exhibit!

Quick, I know a shortcut.

Out of my way, you lame ducks!

Later, alligator.

Too slow, cheetah. Not today, Mufasa.

Nothing clever to say for a moose!

Come on! We've gotta stop that freaky pharaoh.

Technically, he's not a pharaoh.

He was passed over for his younger brother because he's an unstable tyrant.

Intruder, surrender, or face the blade of Joan of Arc.

Really? Let's dance.

No dancing. Only fighting with swords!

Silly knight. That was a metaphor.

The only metaphor I need is to literally vanquish you in battle.

Metaphors are literally not literal.

Fine. How about after I slay you,

I dance on your grave?

No! There's no dancing. I was just trying to roast you.

Well, in that case, you're too late.

I was burned at the stake 600 years ago.

I didn't mean literally!

Quick, grab the tablet!

Yes.

World domination, here I come!

-Huh? -Give Laaa tablet!

-Well, since you asked so nicely. Psych! -Hey!

Yes. Just like I planned it from the beginning.

Now, if you'll excuse me--

It's you.

Was going extinct once not enough for you?

Eat him, Rexy. Eat him!

No, don't eat me!

Or it will be a real short movie!

Made it out completely unsca--

Yeah. That's solid gold.

He's getting away!

We need to figure out how to open this.

I got this.

I'ma blow this puppy to kingdom come.

Everybody, stand back!

Fire in the hole!

We are going to need a bigger cowboy.

Hey!

Wait. I have the keys.

You're in charge, Rexy.

Huh? Where did he go?

Wait. I'm having a vision.

Right. I forgot Joan has those mystical visions.

We are chasing Kahmunrah through a hallway of color.

But wait!

He slips and bumps into George Washington.

That's ridiculous.

How are we supposed to find George Washington in New York City?

Metropolis Art Museum

That's how.

Oh, well, that makes perfect sense.

The Metropolis Art Museum!

But that's across town, and we don't have all night.

You know the deal. At sunrise, we turn to dust.

Subway Seah Ave. Station

Come on. I've got an idea.

B Uptown

Are you all cosplaying for the comic book convention in town?

Really? You think I'm weird?

There's a man over there dressed as a pirate, feeding a churro to a lizard.

Attagirl. Aren't you a pretty ballerina?

You walked the plank right into my heart.

What a weirdo.

Yeah. She'd never make it as a real ballerina.

METROPOLIS ART MUSEUM

I've made it!

Finally.

Awaken, my loyal subjects!

I'm alive!

I'm alive.

And I'm still broken?

And my nose itches.

Look what the sphinx dragged in.

Welcome, your highness.

About time. I'm freezing, and this is my summer tunic.

Yes.

My destiny is so close I can feel it.

And my kingly instincts tell me it's this way.

Though the map does say it's that way.

Well, let's just go with the map.

The Book of the Dead warned us about this jerk coming back.

Well, I'm gonna go grab a latte.

Well, Kahmunrah definitely brought the tablet here.

This place is big.

Everything is big to us.

Yeah.

I don't get it.

How's Kahmunrah gonna get to ancient Egypt from an art museum?

Of course! The Temple of Dendur!

Dur-dur?

Not, "Dur-dur." Dendur.

It's an ancient Egyptian temple on exhibit here.

Nick, just as the tablet brings us to life,

it can bring any art exhibit to life as well.

The tablet's magic will allow Kahmunrah to

enter the temple and go back to ancient Egypt.

What? How is that possible? He's gonna time travel?

Kahmunrah could use the art in the temple as a portal,

just like Laaa is doing with Whistler's Mother.

Laaa! Stop that.

Get out of my house, you half-naked brute!

Unpleasant! Distressing! Alarming! Calamitous!

Maybe I should take back that dictionary.

Nick, if Kahmunrah goes back to ancient Egypt,

who knows what terror he could unleash.

As Laaa would say, "Everybody go…"

I can't believe this is happening.

Why couldn't I have a normal summer job, you know?

One without a maniac who rose from the dead to cause an apocalypse.

Is that too much to ask? We don't even know which way he went.

He went that way.

Wow. How do you know?

Because I am an expert in tracking, surviving, outwitting,

and also, I can see him right over there.

Stupid map!

Let's get him!

It's going to be one of those days.

-Charge! -Let's go!

He's too fast!

Maybe you're just too slow.

Hey, Kahmunrah. How do you like oil paintings?

What?

Bully!

Row, row, row our boat Gently down the Delaware

Duh, don't worry, General Washington, we got him.

Let go of me, you philistines!

There he is! Crossing the Delaware.

Stand back or wig boy gets it.

This is what I get for going to New Jersey.

Wait, I got an idea!

We're going down, men.

Those half-wits are never going to quit.

I must find some way to get rid of them.

It's time for backup.

The ultimate backup.

I summon you, O God of Gods, to rise!

Yes!

Who dares awaken me?

It is I, the great Kahmunrah.

Mighty Seth, God of Chaos, I need your assistance.

Nearly, I can do it just--

Wow, you're not very god-like.

Frankly, I'm a little underwhelmed.

A little help.

Hello, anybody out there? Help me!

Now, I thought-- I--

I'm sorry, I thought I had it but thank you.

So, what can I do for--

Excuse me.

I stand corrected.

I guess big things do come in small packages.

Hey! I'll have you know that I am the tallest in my whole family of jackal gods.

Fine, fine, I take it back. You're not little at all.

Good. Now, you said you needed my help. What's on your mind?

Well, you see,

I have this ragtag collection of misfits that I need taken care of.

That's them now.

Come on out, Kahmunrah. We know you're in there!

Do me a solid and charbroil them, will you?

What's in it for Seth?

Together we will rule the world.

With the power of this tablet,

we can awaken the army of the dead and force mankind to bow to our every whim!

You are kind of a doofus, you know that?

But I am down with ruling the world, that's for sure. You know it.

It won't budge.

What is that?

Your demise, Lesser Larry.

Meet Seth, the God of Chaos!

Hey.

The God of Chaos is named Seth?

Shouldn't you have a scarier name? Like…

Okay, Seth works. We're cool.

Destroy them!

Pretty green fire.

Are you kidding me?

How are we supposed to escape if you can't even hit them?

Hey, I am the God of Chaos.

If you wanted accuracy,

you should've woken up the God of Always Hitting Stuff He Aims At.

What? He's a real god.

No, he is. He's a friend of mine. I will introduce you to him one day.

Enough of this child's play!

This will keep them busy as we make our escape.

Great Scott.

They don't call me the scorpion whisperer for nothing.

I don't think he heard you.

He just needs a little dose of chaos!

Run!

Great, now we're being hunted by a giant, god-powered scorpion!

We must get out of sight.

There!

What are we gonna do?

Let's sneak out while the scorpion is looking the other way.

Nick…

It's a fruit text from my mom.

-She's reminding me to eat my apple. -You've got to be joking.

Nick!

I respect all living things, but for you, I'll make an exception.

You stop, stink bug!

Take this!

Ouchie.

You've heard of the slice-of-life? This is the opposite!

Stink bug go…

That classic, Laaa.

Worst first night ever.

Uh-oh.

Hello, son.

Oh, it's you again, Father.

Your image seems to be carved on everything.

Why do you get to be in all the museums and not me?

You really wanna have this conversation now?

Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Because I'm about to be the most powerful pharaoh ever!

So this whole thing is because you have daddy issues?

You should try a therapist.

It's much cheaper than all this nonsense.

Yes!

Now with this magical tablet,

we shall go back to ancient Egypt and make all our dreams come true!

Hopefully, not all our dreams.

I keep having this one dream where I'm trying to play the violin,

and it's made of bugs and I'm riding this, like, weird slug-cat thing.

Here it is, the Temple of Dendur.

Walk carefully, team. He could be anywhere.

Kahmunrah's done it.

He's traveled back to ancient Egypt!

And now we must follow him into almost certain doom.

Oh, no. This is bad.

This is very, very bad.

This is very, very, very, very--

And now it's bad, and my face hurts.

Is it bad?

Or is it your chance to show Kahmunrah what you're really made of?

Still going with bad.

Okay, we have about four hours until sunrise before you'll turn to dust.

Timer - 03:59:58 PAUSE

I hope this works.

My first portal.

Come on. Kahmunrah couldn't have gone far.

Man, this sand is super hard to walk in.

It will be stuck in our shoes for days,

but that will be a luxury to look forward to if we survive all of this.

Well, we're closer, but we've still got a long way to go.

Looks like we'll have to walk.

Good!

You know, I like walking and talking.

This will give us time to get to know each other better.

How many times have you come back to life?

For me, a gazillion times. The first time, I was so surprised…

I think I smell Kahmunrah's musk. Have we picked up his tracks?

No, not yet. That wind back there must've covered them up.

Are you serious?

We're in the middle of ancient Egypt!

We're never gonna find him.

Nicholas, what's wrong?

Looks like Nick's got a little hitch in his giddyap.

Sorry, it's just--

I'm not cut out for this.

I'm only 18.

I'm just a stupid kid who's in way over his head.

Do not say that, Nick.

When I was 18,

I led the French army to victory over the English.

And I was only 14 when I led the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

And I was just 13 when I helped Rome claim victory in the Battle of Carthage.

And Laaa discovered fire when he was 11.

Fire burn.

I know the feeling.

Look, I get it.

You guys are amazing. That's why you're in a museum.

But I'm not like you, okay? Things don't work out for me.

I blew it with the girl I like, nobody wants to listen to my music,

and, by the way,

I unleashed an ancient god bent on destroying the world.

Every time I get a chance to do something cool,

I always mess it up.

Come on, Nick. That's not true.

You give up on yourself way too easily.

You can do this.

Your father stood up to Kahmunrah, and so can you.

But I'm not my dad. I'm not a hero like him or you guys.

Nick, you have your own gifts that make you strong.

You just need to believe in yourself like we do.

Now the question is, where is Kahmunrah?

I picked up his trail. He went that way!

All right, everyone. That way!

That way!

No, Laaa. It's this way.

But you said that way!

You know what's weird?

Every time I come back to life, I put on, like, 15 pounds.

Please stop talking.

-Think maybe it's the stress. -A boat. Finally.

Quick, we'll take it down the Nile.

Okay, we'll take that boat.

Seriously, you should cover your eyes when you sneeze.

They've taken the river.

Then we'll follow them by boat.

Laaa no like water.

Come on, gang, don't dawdle. All aboard!

Why are we going so slow?

This way, Laaa.

Ha! This way.

This reminds me of my days paddling down the Little Missouri River.

One day, I came across a gaggle of impressionable youths, and I thought,

"I bet they'd love to hear a chapter from my exhilarating adventures."

And in the midst of a tale,

where I taught a buffalo to play shuffleboard,

I turn and realize those rapscallions had stolen my boat!

We're going slow again.

That's because Teddy stopped paddling

to tell a long-winded story about being long-winded.

Sorry! I use my hands when I talk.

Oh, boy. At this rate, we'll never catch up to Kahmunrah.

Wait! I see something. A vision.

Another vision? What do you see?

It's about you, Nick,

and whether or not you will defeat Kahmunrah.

Really? Do I?

I see Kahmunrah.

He is using the tablet to release an ultimate evil!

But Nick and Kahmunrah face off and--

And? Do I win?

I don't know. The vision ended.

Now all I see is Laaa's hairy back.

What's wrong, Laaa?

Dinosaur!

You're imagining things, buddy.

Dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years.

Laaa!

He says we're in ancient Egypt, not the Jurassic period.

Wait! That's no dinosaur!

That's a Nile crocodile just like the one in the museum!

Laaa!

Laaa!

Fear not, Laaa. Help is on the way!

I've never wrestled a crocodile, but I did wrestle a bear once.

I was taking my morning constitutional on a hiking trail in Yellowstone--

Teddy, will you stop it? Laaa's drowning!

Me forgot. Me no swim.

Dinosaur!

Grab the oar!

Is everyone okay?

Everyone but Laaa!

Hey, I think I have an idea.

Attila, quick. Can you get me over there?

On second thought, I changed my mind!

Laaa, grab my hand!

That's your hand!

Yikes!

Nick!

We did it!

Is it gone?

Oh, no!

Back off, croc.

Or become my next pair of boots.

Nick, that was incredible! You saving Laaa and all of that.

Yeah, but our boats are destroyed, and we lost Kahmunrah.

There's no way we're gonna catch up to him before sunrise.

And it's all my fault. I doomed us all.

-Well, this reminds me of the time-- -Teddy!

I know, I know. I ramble.

At long last, we've arrived at the Temple of the Sun!

We're one step closer to ruling the world.

Great Ra, God of the Sun,

I, Kahmunrah, King of Kings, request to enter your--

Who dares to step upon the grounds of this sacred temple?

It's me, birdbrain. The God of Chaos!

Stop it, you're embarrassing me.

I'm not with him.

Never mind.

Sorry that I asked. The door is that way. Just go.

Yes.

The door to the ultimate treasure.

Only the keenest of intellects can decipher how to open it.

You're really a train wreck, you know that?

Well, thank you.

Well, at least we're in.

Should be smooth sailing from here.

Looks like this place is booby-trapped.

Thanks for the heads-up!

Now get me out of here!

"Get me out of here, please," is how we say it like a big boy.

Great, now we're lost in the desert with no idea where to go.

Do you think I can get GPS in ancient Egypt?

Wait, Nick. Look what's on the horizon.

He went this way.

-That way! -Huh?

Laaa, no. This way!

Ha! This way.

You really gotta watch where you're going, Laaa.

You wanna be alive for the end of the world, don't you?

Of course he does. We all do!

Except for the end of the world part.

Strange. I'm having déjà vu.

When I fought for France,

it felt as if I was fighting to prevent the world from ending.

Except back then, I was all alone.

This time it's different, Joan.

You're not alone. You have friends who've got your back.

And I have yours, mon amie.

Timer - 01:37:25

Look, Nick! It's Kahmunrah's boat.

He must be here at the Temple of the Sun!

Isn't it magnificent?

Thanks. You are not too bad yourself.

Come on, everyone. Not a second to lose.

It appears they've already let themselves in.

This place is mustier than Sunday britches on a Friday polecat.

Is that a real thing or do you just make that stuff up?

I make 'em up.

I'm not really sure what a polecat is, but it sounds cowboy-ish, am I right?

Hey! Kahmunrah was here not too long ago. We're gaining on them.

We've got to catch them before sunrise, and we turn to dust! Come on!

Wait, look. I've seen these hieroglyphs before on the tablet!

And these! I'm pretty sure they're ancient musical notes.

I knew the tablet brought everything to life,

but I didn't know it played music.

I guess your dad was right. You are a musical genius.

He said that? I mean, yeah. No, of course. Dads are supposed to say stuff like that.

Doesn't mean anything.

Anyway, what does this mean?

It appears the tablet is a key to opening the sarcophagus.

With three sacred chords,

Kahmunrah can summon his soldiers from the underworld!

We must stop him before he reaches the top chamber of the temple!

We have one hour left. There's still time to fix this! Let's go!

These tracks are fresh. They must be close.

And watch where you step, everyone. There could be booby traps.

Booby.

Dook!

-Huh? -He said duck!

Pretty sure he said "dook."

From now on, everyone stay close.

Too close.

Okay, monkey. We watch for trap.

Huh? Fire help see trap.

Good idea, monkey.

Monkey ghost!

I really like what they did with the columns here.

Very third dynasty.

Seriously, must we stop at every room?

You know, I may be the God of Chaos, but I'm such a sucker for interior design.

Kahmunrah!

You again?

Blast them!

Give us the tablet, Kahmunrah! You're outnumbered.

You're right. I'll just have to even the odds then.

Statue Warriors of Death, consider yourselves my new bodyguards!

You never had a chance, son of Larry.

Man. What are we supposed to do now?

Come on, Octavius. Nick needs a major pick-me-up,

and us two buckaroos need to flimflam those shim-shams.

I understood about 40% of that,

but I believe what you are saying is that it is time for us to save the day.

I hate being small!

Yes, it's a huge inconvenience!

Enough speaking softly, Nick. Bring out the big stick!

Haka!

It's the eyes! Go for the eyes!

Nick, a little help?

Okay, Nick, you got this. Just take the shot.

What's the worst that can happen? No, you know what?

What's the best that could happen?

Hey, Hawkeye, looking for this?

I never thought that we'd go out as a bite-sized snack

for two Egyptian house pets.

If we're gonna be tater tots,

hopefully, your fancy armor will give 'em a tummy ache.

Jedediah, you sweet, simple genius!

Choke on this, foul serpent!

And don't forget to swallow!

Yeah!

That's nasty!

And don't come back!

Uh-oh.

Your tongue is like a cactus.

And you could really use a mint.

Yes!

Hey, Count Hawkula!

Dook!

Did I say dook? I meant duck.

Bravo, Nicholas!

Now, let's go get the bad guy.

Well, this is it.

The moment of my revenge against a world that doubted me!

Especially you, Daddy!

You embarrass me.

Why do I always get teamed up with bad guys

with unresolved childhood trauma?

You should want to be evil for you, not for him.

It doesn't matter! My time has come.

It's the beginning of the end!

Well, which is it? Is it the beginning or is it the end?

What? It's both.

Obviously, the end has a beginning. It has to start somewhere.

Can you remind me never to time travel with you again?

It's exhausting.

Kahmunrah, stop! Don't do it! This could mean the end of everything!

Not according to him. He says it's just the beginning.

Everyone, shut up!

Once I insert the tablet into the sarcophagus,

with three simple chords, my army will rise!

I mean our army.

That hurts like you wouldn't believe!

Well, maybe next time you should be more considerate.

Come on, we can't let that bully play those chords.

Bully!

I mean, yes, I agree.

Don't let them near the tablet. Bonus points if you kill them.

This is gonna get messy, which I like.

Okay. First chord.

One chord down.

And now for the second chord.

Nick!

And now for the moment I've been waiting for.

The final chord!

No! We're too late.

Only a miracle can save us now!

A monkey and a caveman shot out of that bird's mouth,

and then he slapped you!

What a twist.

All right, now for the final chord.

Only miracle save us now.

Giddyap, tiger!

A cowboy and a Roman riding a hairless cat.

What are the odds of--

Now for the final chord.

Sic 'em.

Remember, team,

it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the fight in the dog,

and don't even notice those dogs are humongous.

I meant us dogs. We got a lot of fight. Never mind. Let's go!

Bully!

Charge!

Nice job, everyone, we've got 'em on the ropes!

Spoke too soon!

Yes, attack, my minions. Attack!

There's too many of them, and they just keep coming!

Teddy!

This is why you never mess with a Rough Rider! Joan, catch!

I'm having a vision of me smacking you with this flashlight!

Laaa!

My eyes!

Attila!

Sacagawea!

Nick, you're up!

Wow, I can't believe that actually worked.

Come on, you lazy god.

Destroy it all!

Okay, you asked for it.

Wow. Glad I'm not on your bad side.

And let's keep it that way! No more calling me lazy! It's very mean.

All right, Nick, think.

If music brought them out, maybe music can put them back.

Cover me! I'm going for the tablet!

Nick, no! It's too dangerous!

I got us into this mess,

and I'm gonna get us out.

Nick!

Seriously? That was easy.

I'm not dead yet, Kahmunrah.

Thanks to these inauthentic Shoshone gift shop beads.

He's okay!

Hey, Seth! Laser eyes are pointless if you can't hit a target.

How dare you? Watch and admire.

Concentrate. Control your breathing. Visualize your target and shoot!

I used my god powers to defeat myself? Who could have seen that coming?

Fine. Leave son of Larry…

to me!

Oh, boy.

Okay, the chords that released the army were,

a D minor augmented seventh, and an A half-diminished seventh,

and a C minor ninth.

Maybe if I play them in reverse,

the army will go back to where it came from.

What are you doing? Get away from there!

Just two more.

That's quite enough!

This is it, son of Larry. The beginning of your end!

Nick!

Stay strong, everyone. We must avenge Nicholas!

-Wait a minute. -Huh?

I'm all right. Thanks to Teddy's good luck charm.

All according to plan!

Well, yeah, more or less.

I don't care how many times you cheat death.

Without these instructions,

you'll never harness the power of the tablet.

Wait, maybe that's not the tablet I need.

This is no time to check for fruit texts!

What on earth are you doing?

Ending this.

No!

Nick, look out!

If I'm going back, you're coming with me!

Hey, I'm okay. Did we win?

I am flying!

This is the end of the end!

Oh, no!

We got you, Nick.

You'll regret this, son of Larry!

The name's Nick. Nick Daley. And I'm the new night guard.

No!

Looks like he's ancient history.

I hate you so much sometimes.

Run!

Ouch.

We did it, guys. We won.

And we got the tablet.

Uh-oh. It's sunrise.

We're not gonna make it back in time.

I'm afraid she's right. It's much too far.

Then, I guess this is au revoir.

Although, technically, that means "until I see you again,"

which is clearly not going to happen.

But at least I can say I have friends like you.

Come on, guys, there's gotta be something we can do.

Don't worry about us, son.

The important thing is that you saved the world.

I'm so sorry.

I messed everything up.

I wish there was some way

this stupid tablet could magically get us back to the museum.

Wait a minute.

Maybe there is.

MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

We're all going home together.

Genius, my boy. A portal to the museum!

Boy, am I glad I gave you that poster.

Now, let's go home.

All right, tablet. Do your thing.

-Come on now! -Huzzah!

Laaa.

Rexy, we're home!

Heel, Rexy, heel!

I missed you too, big guy.

We made it just in time.

He said, "Thank you for saving us, Nick."

"After putting us in terrible danger in the first place."

Nick.

Bye-bye, son of dada.

Laaa.

Nick, I had a vision again!

You will defeat Kahmunrah. Or perhaps it was more of a memory.

In any event, it's been an honor.

Heigh-ho, Jiji, away!

You did real good, partner.

Nicholas, you would've made a great commander in my day.

Giddyap, tiger!

-Hey, Dad. -Hey, Nicky.

How'd your first night on the job go?

You know, it was nothing special. Kind of dull, really.

Dull, was it?

Okay, to be honest, things got a little crazy, and-and I--

Lawrence, you couldn't have found a better man to replace you.

He's a chip off the old block.

Growing up among my people, the Shoshone,

we learn at a young age that we all have a brave spirit.

You just had to find yours.

Take care, Nick.

You too.

Thank you for everything.

I'm proud of you, Nick.

I don't know what happened tonight, and frankly, I'm kind of afraid to ask,

but it sounds like you did all right.

Thanks, Dad.

I mean, the truth is, I hit a few snags here and there,

but it's not like it was the "end of the world."

Okay, maybe it was almost the end of the world, but, like--

I gotta go! Dr. McPhee's here.

-Nick-- -Later!

On the phone, are we?

I hope the job's not interfering with your personal life.

Hi, Dr. McPhee! What's-- What's good? I was just--

Not interested.

Anyway, everything looks good.

No sign of mischief or other teenage shenanigans.

You can go home now.

Wait a minute.

What is that?

Look. It's a cute little kitty statue!

Yeah! Yeah, I found it when I was locking the loading dock

like I was supposed to.

Good find, Nick.

I'll put it right here on your desk, so you can look at it every night.

Gee, thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to order some outfits for my new little kitty.

See you tonight, Rexy.

But first there's something I gotta do.

Nick, you're back. What can I do for you?

Look, Ms. Montefusco,

I know you weren't a fan of my first audition,

but I'm not giving up that easy.

Huh? What's happening?

I'm just asking for a second chance.

So, before you kick me out, just listen to this.

Hit it, guys.

Yeah!

Indeed!

Joan!

Come on, everyone. Let's conga!

This way!

That way!

-Laaa, this way! -This way!

Dexter!