All language subtitles for Ghosts s05e14 The Water Heater.eng

-[knock on door]
-[door opens]

Isaac. The voting for
class president has concluded.

And? Don't keep me waiting, man.

What were the results?

-Well, you: one.
-Oh, I won?!

[gasps] I shall write
to Father immediately.

Huzzah! What a day
to be Isaac Higgintoot.

-[laughs]
-Oh...

Oh, no.
Yes, that is my mistake.

I was saying, "You, colon, one."

The number one.
O-N-E.

-What?
-You received one vote.

Ebenezer Hubbard
received the rest.

So, you: one.

Ebenezer Hubbard: all the rest.

Why would you say it like that?

And surely you miscounted.

I must have received two votes.

One cast by myself
and the other by you,

my roommate.

It's just that Ebenezer Hubbard
was offering more pudding

-in the dining hall.
-Oh!

You and your single-issue
pudding voting.

You know that's a treat
for children?

You have a problem, sir.

I'm sorry.
I'm just upset.

You know what makes me
feel better when I'm upset?

Don't say pudding.

? ?

ALBERTA: Oh! Uh, Is it

-smaller than a breadbox?
-Yeah.

-[gasps]
-Is it a Dane's head again?

Ha! You are
most excellent guesser.

Guys, this was so much fun.

I can't believe we've never done
a double date before.

Girl, we've done this
many times before.

Oh. [laughs] Right on.

What is this? You guys have been
going on double dates?

Apparently.

Well, till next time. [sighs]

[chuckles]

Why haven't you guys invited me
and Bela to these group dates?

We're another couple
in the house.

Well... kind of. [chuckles]

You can only see her when you
visit her in her dreams.

Yeah, no disrespect, but

you guys are sort of
a night couple.

-And we love that for you.
-Look,

I know my thing with Bela
is unconventional.

I mean, our last date

took place in a hot air balloon
floating over Mars.

But our relationship is just
as real as anyone else's.

Okay, Sass.

Would, uh, you and Bela
like to go on a double date

with me and Pete later?
Say, after we smell lunch?

We'd love to. Oh, and let us
know if we can bring anything,

because my girlfriend
can carry stuff.

Ooh.

Sounds great. We're excited.

-How is this gonna work?
-I have no idea.

[sighs]

Yes, I'm sorry, Mrs. Stevens,
but we are aware,

and we're working on
the hot water issue right now.

You know, a lot of high-end spas
offer a cold plunge

that guests actually
pay extra for...

And she hung up on me.

As a former penny stock slinger,

I appreciate the attempt
to polish that turd.

Well done.

You know, it's great
that we're getting more guests

since we got on that
boutique hotels list,

but I'm a little worried

about the strain it's putting
on the old water heater.

Thor not understand
why anyone need hot bath.

Or bath.

Uh, one of my greatest
pleasures in life

was indulging in a hot bath.
The steam, the solitude,

the pained grunts
of my servants as they

lugged the boiling water
up three flights of stairs.

Didn't you have
some big epiphany last week,

something about a newfound
respect for the working man?

Did I?
That does sound familiar.

Hello, all.
Happy election day.

Oh, that's right.
Today's the day

those cretins downstairs
choose their nominee

-for ghost representative.
-ISAAC: Yes.

If I win this,
and then later, I best Flower

in the general election,
the office is mine. [laughs]

Samantha, what's going on?
You're not wearing your button.

Well, I was wearing it,
but then guests kept asking

what "Isaac For
Ghost Representative" meant,

and I didn't really
have a good answer.

What does ghost representative
even do again?

Is ghost who speak with Sam
on behalf of other ghosts.

Dates back
to early days when Sam

gain ability to see ghosts,

but now more
of a figurehead position.

Exactly. I've always
wanted to be a figurehead.

Oh, I'm so nervous.
[chuckles]

I stand on the precipice of
my first-ever election victory.

I don't understand how
this thing is even close.

Isn't your opponent
literally named Creepy Dirk?

Mm, down there,
creepiness isn't a liability.

It's just something
that makes you relatable.

Hey, babe. Mark and I were just
working on the water heater.

[chuckles]
Well, Mark was working.

Jay just held the flashlight
and screamed, "Aah! Cobweb!"

It's bad news.
You're gonna need a new unit.

Yeah, we're gonna
need a new unit, babe.

ISAAC:
A new water heater?

Samantha, that's not going to
go over well in the basement.

They love that water heater.

Are you sure we can't just
repair the current unit?

Unfortunately, no.
But the good news is

I can get you a new one
pretty quick.

Yeah.
Yep, we can get it expedited.

-Please stop doing that.
-Okay.

Jay, this isn't good.

The basement ghosts
are really attached

-to that old water heater.
-Why?

It's basically their god.

Why?

Why did the ancients
revere Zeus?

Why did I have
my foreskin removed

while people gave speeches
and ate lox?

The point is,

they love that water heater,
and who are we to question it?

Isaac, maybe just don't mention
this to the basement ghosts.

They are gonna figure it out

when Mark shows up
with a new water heater.

I know, but until then,
I don't need them complaining

and trying to talk me out of it.

I don't know, Samantha.
I don't feel right

withholding information from
those ghouls. I mean, my people.

What if I agree
to wear the button?

[gasps]
Deal!

Hey. What are you
still doing here?

Oh, uh, since they're so busy,

Sam asked me to stick around

and help out with ghost stuff
for a few days.

Thor wanted rams' testicles,

so I'm making Swedish meatballs

and hoping he can't smell
the difference.

-Who you talking to?
-Sass is here.

Oh, hey, babe.

Loved our balloon ride
last night.

We gave those Martians
quite a show.

-[chuckles]
-Great.

SASAPPIS:
Okay, this is perfect.

Would you mind asking Bela

if she's free to join me

on a double date
with Pete and Alberta today?

This isn't something that can
wait until Bela takes a nap?

Oh, does Sass want to meet up?
I had lasagna for lunch-

ugh, heavy- so I could
see myself falling asleep

within the hour.

Cool.
Um, he's actually asking

if you want to double date
with Alberta and Pete today.

Like, in a dream?

Oh, no, no, no,
like an actual double date

while we're awake. It's not like
we're just a night couple.

He's saying an actual date,
here, while you're awake.

Okay, fun.
But how would that work?

Well, Kyle,
this is where you come in.

Oh. No, no.

No, no, I will not
be acting as translator

on a ghost double date.

Oh, come on, Kyle, please.

Sass and I have never
been on a real date before.

Oh, okay, that is not true.

We've gone on
plenty of real dates.

They're just...

Please, Kyle?

It would mean a lot to us.

[sighs] Okay, fine, fine.
I will join

as the fifth wheel on an
interdimensional ghost date,

all because I was knocked out
by a goose on a roller coaster.

-That's the spirit.
-KYLE: Now, do these

look like rams' balls to you?

-Oh, yeah.
-KYLE: Awesome.

Love my life.
I'll see you later.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi.
Isaac Higgintoot,

running for
ghost representative.

Seriously?
It's me, Catherine.

We've been standing
next to each other for months.

Oh. [laughs, stammers]

Oh, it's just that
you look so different.

Is that a new sack?

It really brings out
the jaundice in your cheeks.

Not surprised
he doesn't recognize you,

since he spends
all his time upstairs

talking to his
high-altitude friends.

Ooh, sick burn.

-Ha! Carpetbagger.
-No, no, no, no, no.

I am a basement ghost.
I'm creepy.

I smell bad. People
don't want to be around me.

I'm one of you.

Look, Isaac, I wanted to give
you the benefit of the doubt

when you started
this whole thing, but a leopard

doesn't change its spots.

You're upstairs
every chance you get.

He was upstairs 15 minutes ago.

You reek of sunlight
and circulated air.

Okay, it's true,

I do spend time up there,

-but it's for you.
-[basement ghosts scoff]

-Okay.
-ISAAC: No, no, no, no.

For real, for real. In fact,

because I have ingratiated
myself and earned their trust,

I have come across some intel,
the likes of which

Dirk could never glean.

That's Creepy Dirk to you.
Show some respect.

Wait, what are you
talking about? What intel?

Sam and Jay

intend to replace
the water heater.

-[basement ghosts gasp]
-ISAAC: Yes, but

if elected your
ghost representative,

I won't let that happen.

I, Isaac Higgintoot, will save

the water heater!

[chanting]: Isaac! Isaac!

ALL:
Isaac! Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!

-Oh, greetings, all.
-Oh, you're in a good mood.

[laughs] Have you ever had
your name chanted at you?

It's intoxicating.

They chanted my name
at Scores once.

They have to if you order
the Boob Luge.

Isaac, what did you do
to receive such adulation?

Well, that's what I'm here
to talk about.

Samantha, there's been
a change of plans.

-In terms of...?
-ISAAC: The water heater.

You actually now
cannot buy a new one.

What are you talking about?

Well, as it turns out,

my campaign was barreling
towards defeat.

Apparently,
I'm viewed as somewhat

of an elite
upstairs intellectual.

[chuckles] So, in a shrewd
political maneuver,

I promised
my subterranean constituents

that their beloved water heater
shall not be replaced.

This is unbelievable.

Isaac promised
the basement ghosts

that we wouldn't get
a new water heater.

Well, what if I said
that I don't care

what one invisible person

promises another group
of invisible people?

Please, Samantha, I need this
election. It means everything.

And we need
a working water heater.

We have guests,
and the current one

can't keep up with the demand.

Or we could simply pour one bath

and allow your guests
to take turns.

That is how
we bathed our hounds.

Not the show hounds, obviously,
but the pigeon hounds.

Okay, it seems that
we're at an impasse, mm?

I need to sew up
this nomination,

you need this new water heater.

Or we just go
with Hetty's hound plan,

which is still on the table.

What if- hm-

we just delay
the water heater by a day?

That way, I can tell
the basement ghosts

that I convinced you
not to touch the old one.

And then, after I win
the election,

we can bring in
the new water heater.

But won't they just
be mad later?

ISAAC:
Well, then I'll deal with that then.

The important thing
is to win the election first.

Or you could just be
a real leader

and tell your constituents
the hard truth now.

Oh, like you're a profile
in courage

when you tell Jay
that your moisturizer

costs only eight dollars.

SAMANTHA:
Uh, Jay, now I'm thinking

maybe we should delay the water
heater installation by a day.

JAY:
Oh, why, babe?

Ghost stuff.

Uh, circle? Uh, moon?
Uh, planet!

SASAPPIS:
Man, they're good.

Bela, are you having fun?
Kyle, please relay.

Uh, so are you having fun?
Sass is asking.

Totally.

I mean, I'm looking
at an empty room,

but when it's our turn,

I think it's gonna be
pretty exciting.

Uh, ape. [gasps]
Planet of the Apes.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!
Point, "Beauty and the Pete."

Okay, Sass and Bela, you're up.

Bela, it's your turn to guess,

so, Sass, here is your clue.

Lime? What the hell
kind of clue is lime?

Oh, he can't say it out loud,
that's cheating.

-She can't hear me, Pete.
-Right.

Uh, what's wrong with my clue?
Limes were my favorite garnish.

So, quit whining
and start miming.

-Ooh, babe, that was good.
-[Alberta laughs]

Is the date
still happening, or...

Kyle, put 60 seconds
on the clock.

Kyle?

Uh... Fine. [clears throat]

-Go.
-Uh...

Screwing in a lightbulb?

Why are you twisting
your hand like that?

This is how you get it
out of the tree.

-Nuh-uh, no verbal cues.
-Is it a squirrel?

Who pulls a squirrel off a tree?

Uh, okay. Uh, try this.

-Uh, turning a doorknob?
-No. Uh...

Oh. Cleaning a glass?

Wait, w-why'd you stop doing it?

She's not getting it.

Okay, maybe, uh, charades
wasn't the best idea.

It's fine.
We got it, Pete.

What's happening now?

Sass is kind of
snapping at Pete.

Well, don't tell her that.

Look, this was a lot of fun,

but maybe we just call it a day?

I think we just need
a different clue, okay?

Kyle really wasn't
getting that one.

I'm doing it exactly
how you're...

How is this not juicing a lime?

Oh, and now,
he said it out loud.

That's actually a point for us.

And time.

Oh, that was a disaster.

-He said it was a disaster.
-Seriously?

My God, man, show some judgment.

All right, you two,
any final words before we vote?

Just remember
who's responsible for saving

our dear, dear water heater
and its precious gurgles.

[chuckles] Some people
are calling me the Gurgle King.

NANCY:
Yeah, they are.

[chanting]: Gurgle King!

ALL:
Gurgle King! Gurgle King!

WORKMAN: I thought we were
supposed to install this tomorrow.

[chuckles]
Yeah, but me and Tracy

are doing
this daytime date tomorrow.

Our couples therapist thinks
it could be a game changer.

It's a new water heater.

Is it, though?
It could be a water softener.

Or-or one of those
Japanese toilets.

Anyway, I believe
we were about to vote.

But why would there be
a new water heater if Isaac

got Sam and Jay to agree
to keep the old one?

I think I know what happened.

-You do?
-NANCY: Yep.

Clear as day.

Sam friggin' stabbed Isaac
in the back.

You had a deal with her
and she decided to take

a big old ten-dollar
dumperoo on it.

That witch. How dare she.
[laughs]

Let's go up there
and give all her guests cholera!

-What? [stammers]
-Yes.

Or-or-or...

we just let bygones be bygones?

[scoffs]

I kid, of course.
Let's do the cholera thing.

NANCY:
Yeah! Cholera!

-ALL: Cholera! Cholera!
-Cholera.

Oh, yeah, Mom,
no, things are good. Well...

we did have to splurge
on a new water heater,

but hopefully, that is the last
surprise for a little while.

Huh? Bela?
Dating anyone?

Um, not that I've... seen.

Oh, that's clever.
Good one, Steve.

All right, you three
head up to the guest rooms

and cholera anyone with a pulse.

The rest of us will fan out
on the main floor.

What's going on?

Well, uh, funny story, actually.
Samantha betrayed us,

so we're sort of up here

to take revenge by, you know,
giving everyone cholera.

-[cheers]
-FLOWER: Wait, because

they're getting
a new water heater?

It's not just that.
It's that she deceived us

and broke her promise to Isaac.

Broke her promise to Isaac?

That doesn't sound
like something Sam would do.

And yet here we are.

Now, let's get to
cholera-ing everyone

and ruining
Sam and Jay's business.

I just feel like with Woodstone
getting on that B and B list,

things are finally
turning around for us.

-Now, let's make them pay.
-Yeah!

Isaac, do something.

Sam and Jay are your friends.

Here we go.
Ducks on the pond.

Hope your toilets
are working better

than your water heater, Jay.

No, no, no, stop this. Oh!
This is terrible.

Wait! I lied.

Samantha's innocent.
[weak chuckle]

What are you talking about?

Well, um, she never promised she
would keep the old water heater.

-I just told you that she did.
-But why?

Because I wanted
to win the election.

My plan was to secure your votes

and then, well,
deal with the fallout afterward.

-[laughs]
-So you just wanted to trick us?

It's been 250 years.
I needed a win.

I mean, this is crazy.

That mouth-breather John Adams
got to become president.

And I can't even become
a nominee to compete

in the general election
for ghost representative.

We almost hurt
a bunch of innocent people

because of your lies.

I just thank God
nobody got hurt.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Okay,

that one's not on us.

[groans]

My tum-tum.

Hey, guys. I just wanted
to come and apologize

about the date earlier.

Oh, hey, that's okay.

And I'll say
what we're all thinking.

Kyle- he biffed it.

Like, just copy me.
It's so easy, right?

Like, come on. [chuckles]
So stupid. Kyle sucks.

R-Right. Yeah. No, no.
It was-it was all Kyle's fault.

Next time, I say we get Sam.

Sam knows how to juice a lime.

Unlike Kyle.

Next time? There ain't
gonna be a next time.

-Alberta.
-No, uh-uh.

He needs some tough love.

Baby, this wasn't Kyle's fault.

Your girlfriend cannot see you.

Y'all are a night couple.

And if you think it's gonna
be anything more than that,

you're gonna be
sorely disappointed.

PETE:
Yeah, I don't know

if I would've shouted it
quite so bluntly,

but, um, I do agree.

I mean, Bela's a living woman,

and you died 500 years ago.

-So what are you guys saying?
-ALBERTA: We're saying

Bela's great, and so are you,

but maybe you both
deserve something more.

But Kyle's lime work...

Oh, yeah, it definitely
left something to be desired.

Where are you taking us?

You'll see.

Whoa.

What's all this?

It's a funeral
for the water heater.

It doesn't make up
for what I did to you,

and I'm not trying
to win your vote.

I know that ship's
already sailed.

But you all lost something
that's important to you.

And that's worth
taking a moment to acknowledge.

CREEPY DIRK:
Wow.

None of us even
had funerals for ourselves,

and we're people.

-Arguable.
-[Jay groans]

I-I'm cold, Sam.
I'm so cold.

He'll be better in a few hours.

Technically,
he walked through me.

Hurt me for a minute.
I forgive him.

If Thor may,

Thor have speech prepared.

He was up all night
working on this.

My condolences.

Oh, I think that's it.

That was beautiful, Thor.

I don't know
if this is the right time,

but my sincerest apologies
for my grandparents

dumping you all in a mass grave.

Oh.
That's very thoughtful.

So you got the living butler

to throw a funeral
for an appliance?

I suppose I did.

That's more than Dirk's done
in four years.

Not my fault.

It's hard to ask for favors
when the good-smelling lady

refuses to talk to me because
she doesn't like being smelled.

Isaac seems to be
really in with her.

I mean, like,
she'll do anything for him.

-Oh, well, I don't think...
-It's true.

She bends to my whim.

He got her
to write a book about him.

Aw, screw it.

Isaac made a mistake,
but he owned up to it.

And who cares
if he's a pompous windbag?

He gets results.

Wait, what's happening?

All in favor of Isaac
being the basement nominee?

-Aye.
-OTHERS: Aye!

Oh, my God.
I did it.

I won. W-O-N.

That's not my vote tally.
That's what happened.

[sniffs]

Please stop.

Well, we finally
made it to Paris.

I watched Am�lie
and Moulin Rouge

before going to bed to make sure
it worked this time.

[laughs]

-We should talk...
-I've been thinking...

-Oh, uh...
-No. [stammers]

-You first.
-O-Okay. Uh...

Look, I really like you, but

-I...
-But this is insane?

Yeah.

You're amazing and

you deserve to be with someone
that you can interact with

during waking hours.

Well, that's a low bar,
but thank you, Sass.

You're amazing, too.

I think we

both have had a tough time
of it, dating-wise, lately.

-Yeah.
-Maybe it felt good just to

get away from reality,

but I've been sleeping
way too much.

I haven't been sleeping at all.
I'm exhausted.

I think I'm abusing melatonin.

[laughs]

Okay, so, um...

This is good.

Yeah.

And whoever you end up with,

he's a lucky guy.

You know who's still single?
My Eric.

Sorry, that's my ex's mom.

I must be feeling guilty

because she keeps
popping up in my dreams

after I broke up with him.

He'll treat you like a queen.

Do you want to go check out
the Eiffel Tower? As friends?

I'd love that.

Have you seen his 401k?
He contributes regularly.

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