Original subtitles

Wind. There's nothing else like it.

Pulling you across the water like you're flying.

It's totally, well, extreme.

That's me, Megan Larson.

You're a fairly average teenage girl.

And that's Cutter. There's nothing even remotely obvious about him.

That was sick, Megan. You gladly rolled.

Thanks, Cutter. You my girlfriend?

Um, okay.

Mom, Dad.

Dad and I have decided to get back together, Megan.

And I'm never going to act like a little freak again.

Cool.

Megan, as the most popular girl in school, I, Heather Hartman, hereby

you into the popular group.

You rock.

Dear Diary.

If only life were like my dream.

Die, alien, die!

I'm just saying, you can't be a man in

black, Trev. Why not?

Because you're only one person.

I want to be a man in black.

Fine,

whatever. I want to be a mailman. Why not mailmen?

Dad, we don't see much anymore.

He's always busy, it seems like.

Sometimes I can barely even remember a time when we were all together.

But then I always do.

Okay, grab your stuff.

Rocky, come on.

Trevor? Okay, we're off.

Fun in the sun.

Uh, let me get this.

Just a second.

Hello, Fred Larson?

Yeah, no, no, no. Come on, let's go.

No, that's what I know. If you can just get rid of them, I... Whoa!

Keep it back a minute!

That's fun!

I've got it in the car.

Just bear with me one second while I just... With me just one second here.

I've got a book here.

If you have any problems, just give me a call.

No, I... Anytime.

Okay, then.

Great talking to you.

Take care.

Okay, then. Bye.

Well, diary, if you're wondering why my folks split up, there you have it, I

guess.

And then there's Mom.

Probably the only person on the planet who loves windsurfing as much as I do.

She's definitely not your typical mom.

Crackers? Cool, I love crackers.

So do I, but not for breakfast.

Is that it?

Don't be silly, Megan. What kind of mother gives her kids just crackers?

Without soup.

Mom, you can't have soup for breakfast.

Why not, Megan? Soup is good food.

Rokey likes soup for breakfast, don't you?

Rokey's a dog. He drinks from the toilet.

Okay, let's see what else I can make you, Meg.

I can make a wonderful tuna sandwich.

Okay, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

Mom's not usually this bizarre.

It's just ever since Dad left, she's been a little distracted.

And I mean, if you think about it, our life is really cool in lots of ways.

Maybe

Mom's

lonely. But then she's had a couple of dates.

You are so enthusiastic.

That's nothing.

The last guy my mom dated is still in the body cast.

Body cast?

They say I make a full recovery.

But I have my doubt.

Okay, I'm not in the Popsicle's diary. I should tell you that right now.

I mean, well, I was in it for a week last year.

They thought I was related to Jewel or something.

Well, actually, I kind of told them that I was, but when Heather Hartman found

out that I wasn't, it was bad.

You're not Jewel's cousin, Megan.

Well...

I have a cousin who sort of looks like Jewel, and she thinks pretty well.

You can't sit at our table anymore.

I'm telling you, retractable claws would be totally cool.

That would be lame, I think.

What about x -ray vision?

Shape -shifting.

That'd be fresh.

The truth is, though, Diary, I really only want to be in the popular group for

one reason.

Cutter Coburn is the most extreme kid in high school.

Last year, he skated down an entire mountain.

Well, he fell mostly, but it was still totally wrecked.

So does anyone know the answer?

Cutter?

Mr.

Singh? Do you know the answer?

Mr. Singh, I don't even know what the question is, sir.

For a long time, I don't think Cutter even knew I existed.

But then he started windsurfing and coming to Mom's store.

Man, you should have seen the air I was getting yesterday. It was nuking like

big time. I was hitting ramp after ramp, dude.

Uh,

hey.

Oh, hey.

I remember you from school.

What's your name again?

Corrigan? Vegan?

Fagin? Megan.

Megan.

Hey, do you think I could have some of those chips? Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, man, these rule. What are they?

Barbecue. I mean, sour cream. Sour cream and onions.

Wind surfing's cool, like, you know, because there's wind, right?

And then also you're surfing.

So you're like wind surfing.

I never thought of it that way.

Well, thanks for the chips, Megan.

I'll see you on the water.

I like your hair.

Oh, thanks. Please.

I know.

But that's all ancient history now, Derry.

Because everything's changed.

What do you mean you met a guy?

His name is Cosmo.

Cosmo Koa. He sounds like an alien from space. Is he, Mom?

Well, not that I've noticed, Trev.

Wait a minute. Where did you meet this guy, Mom?

Oh, it's very silly.

I was windsurfing.

It

was

ridiculous, but it was really great, too.

Meg, he wanted to rescue me from the waves.

Mom? You weren't drowning.

Sure. But that's not the point. He was willing to.

I have a very bad feeling.

We started talking, and we just clicked.

Are you all right?

I saw you being blown about by the wind.

I'm windsurfing.

I'm Carl.

Nice to meet you.

We talked for hours, I guess. I mean, he has this childlike quality that I

find so refreshing.

Sandy?

I'm sure.

Okay, where is this Cosmo Cola from?

Canada. The Yukon of all places.

Mom, no one lives in Yukon.

It's like deserted. It's a missile range or something.

Well, he and his daughter live there.

His daughter?

Ariel. She's 14 too, Meg. Isn't that great?

Possibly. Meg!

Now look like a geek.

Okay, bye.

I'll be home soon.

Why won't you let anyone listen to your music?

Cut.

Well, at least you have good reason.

So tonight's a big night, huh?

Everybody's finally going to meet.

Aren't you excited?

Don't I look excited?

Come on, you. Help me clean up.

I wouldn't be ambitious and cook a whole chicken.

Boston calls really like hot dogs.

A gourmet, huh?

Megan, be nice.

I am always nice. New people aren't always so bad, you know.

I mean, sometimes change can be a good thing if you welcome it.

You're not going to call me grasshopper now, are you?

She's got such a sharp tongue.

You should hear all the things I think and don't say.

Honey, I gotta say, it would mean a whole lot to me if you would at least

Cosmo makes me really happy, you know, Meg?

And maybe you'll like him, too, if you give him a chance.

You know what, Mom? You're right.

I'll try. I really... I really will.

Thanks, sweetie.

And maybe I'll think that he and Aaron will look great.

If you like them, then they must be great, right?

Of course, you also like Lord of the Dance, but we won't go there.

That'll be them.

You want to get the door, Meg?

Sure.

It's going to be great. It's going to be great.

It's going to be great.

Please be great.

Megan Larson!

Megan Larson!

Mom! You have no idea how happy I am to finally meet you.

Are you Cosmo?

She'll be in a game show, Megan.

I like Hollywood squares myself.

Whoopie for the blocks!

It was worse than I could have possibly imagined, diary.

Are you a good alien?

Or a bad alien?

Good, mostly.

But... Sometimes bad.

Like now.

I love dogs.

Tiny brains with such large, powerful bodies.

Cosmo. Kenny.

I'm so happy to see you.

Me too.

I have got it. I mean, Rupert.

These are for you.

Thank you, Cosmo.

Uh, where's Ariel?

Uh, she's out in the car. She doesn't like the wind.

She doesn't like the wind?

Actually, the wind can be very frightening if you don't understand it.

And if you're an alien, the wind can just blow you away.

Exactly, right.

Of course, wind can also be a wonderful way of meeting people.

You want to go help her in, huh, Mick?

Mom?

Megan?

Okay.

What are you doing under there?

I feel the wind.

Oh.

Dear diary, I cannot make sense of this strange planet called Earth.

Every time I look at this horrid vehicle, the rubbery flesh, the flat

ghastly yellow hair that grows out of this hideous scalp, I can only think, I

grotesque.

The same dream comes to me most every night. I am back on my home planet of

Zircalon. I am once again a beautiful pink ball of gas, floating next to my

beloved vanilla.

fine, handsome, intelligent Fanuel.

Oh, I miss floating with you.

Oh, I miss my true self, my essence, how I long to be Suiza of Zerkalon once

again.

And mother and father are there as well, floating by my side.

Oh, the joy, the rapture, the bliss.

I knew that we were going to have to leave Zerkalon Diary.

I knew that Daddy's life was in danger because he was a freedom fighter.

I knew as well that Zavod was a repressive emperor and that we were not

completely free on Zerkalon.

Still, I never expected to have to leave so suddenly, Diary.

It all happened so incredibly fast.

And in that one brief moment, my mother was lost forever.

Now just a part of the great cosmic gas.

Strangely, Diary, with all its horrors and bizarre customs, Earth seems to

possess a wonderful abundance of the one substance these earth colonians need to

survive.

The element known as CO2.

At least I still have gas.

Monstrosity?

I became desperate, Diary.

Desperate for any help in navigating this strange and frightening place.

That is when I turned to our neighbor, the spiritual guide, Serena Sue.

Off, Gandhi.

Away, Picasso.

Ariel, I know what troubles you.

You do?

In the months since you and your charming father have moved in, I've

that you are different.

Yes.

You don't feel that you belong here.

No. And in this, you are correct.

You have lived many, many times before, Ariel. Most recently, you were a cowhand

on a large ranch in Montana.

You were crushed by a cow. You have not yet psychically recovered from this.

Do you feel the truth of what I am telling you? Don't speak.

I am a psychic.

I already know what you are thinking.

I can see very clearly exact...

I tried to tell Serena Sue about the flying insect diary, but of course she

could not read my mind.

She's a ridiculous and pathetic person, but she at least possesses a somewhat

gaseous manner.

But what does any of it matter now, diary?

Now the dreariness and dread have so utterly engulfed my life.

What do you think?

I hate it here, Daddy.

Everything here is so ugly and solid and heavy.

I know it's hard, Ariel.

I miss our home, too.

There is truly nothing like a great day of floating.

Expanding in the heat.

Contracting when it cools off.

Well, why can't we just go back then?

We'd be near Mommy.

Mommy has, uh...

Tinned out a little, Ariel.

Besides, I'd be in prison forever in a frozen cube.

We came here to escape, to be free.

Free to be hideous.

Life on Earth is full of wondrous possibilities, Ariel.

One can do or be whatever one wants here.

Look.

This is a dummy.

An artificial human that one can speak through.

How can one not love a world in which such a thing exists?

You're completely imbalanced, Daddy.

And these names you have given us.

Ariel and Cosmo Cola.

Ridiculous. Pathetic.

And these earthlings. Can you pay money for these worthless solids we brought

with us?

They're quite valuable here.

Fanul so terribly, Daddy.

Please may I communicate with him?

If he would not betray me, I know that he would not.

Fanul is the son of the Emperor Svad.

You are my daughter.

It is not possible.

But, Daddy... I'm sorry, Ariel.

Life on Earth is fun, Ariel.

I only hope someday you'll feel the same.

What could be less fun than this?

I want my boyfriend back, Daddy. I want to see Vinul, and I want to go home.

The wind. The wind!

It can't hurt us, Ariel. It's... I'm coming apart.

I'm really coming apart.

We fear the wind.

Oh, Fanul, Fanul, why must you be the son of the emperor and I the freedom

fighter's daughter?

We're just like the tragic story of Glaba and Grogna, the two star -crossed

bubbles.

But we will meet again, Fanul, for I will come home to you.

Until I do, I must try to hold on to the beauty and majesty of my Zircolonian

heritage.

Perhaps that will keep me going.

Zircolon, Zircolon, bubbles dance across the moon.

Zircolon, Zircolon, make us free, will you soon?

The wind was blowing her about, Ariel.

I haven't just saved her.

So, I jumped in.

But when I reached her, she wasn't frightened at all.

I saw you being blown about by the wind.

I'm windsurfing.

She's the most remarkable creature.

Kathy Larson?

The most... Revenant intelligent!

Wonderful human on the planet, Ariel.

But it's unthinkable.

Mommy!

My mother was an extraordinary bubble, Ariel.

And I will never forget her.

We had many wonderful memories together, and I will always cherish those

memories.

Just as I will always cherish seeing your mother in you.

But we live here now.

And I think we need to make a life here.

We're humans now, Ariel. We need to live with other humans.

I don't think Mommy would want us to be alone and unhappy.

Do you?

We visit Kathy and her children at their home.

You're going to have a wonderful time, I guarantee it.

But I didn't have a wonderful time, Diary.

In fact, the evening was a hideous torture right from the very start.

I fear the wind.

Okay.

Well, it's pretty much stopped, so, like, you want to come out?

No, no, no!

Oh no!

Oh no!

Do not threaten me, monster!

He's just barking.

Silence, beast!

Your voice is loud and vulgar.

You're an alien too, aren't you?

I need water.

Is she all right, Cos?

She's just nervous.

Can you go and check on her, Meg?

Sure. Why not?

Ariel?

Are you okay?

You're all wet.

I fell in the sink.

In the sink?

Do you want to dry off?

Your room is hideously cluttered.

Thank you.

You can wear these.

They're far too large.

You can wear hers if you think they would fit you better.

I wonder those.

Did you just drink that whole bottle?

No.

Yes, you did.

Why is your voice like that? Are you trying to be funny or something?

Yes, I'm trying to be funny.

I am funny.

You're freaking me out.

Here, use it. Stop the wind! Stop the wind!

You are incredibly neurotic about your hair, you know that?

Everything okay back here?

Everything is very okay, Kathy Larson. Thank you.

Right?

Dinner's ready.

She seems nice, doesn't she? I'll take the fifth.

I love food.

Don't you like hot dogs, Ariel?

I do not like food.

Nothing?

Grilled cheese?

PB &J?

Pasta?

Food is messy.

Yeah, Mom.

Ariel's on that new root beer diet.

At that moment, Diary, I knew that the creature called Megan Larson was to be

feared and despised.

At least I was prepared for her now.

What happened next to her was a shocking and ghastly surprise.

Kids, Kathy and I have something we'd like to tell you. Megan, Trev, Ariel,

Cosmo and I know we both come from very different worlds.

And that we haven't known each other for very long.

And we also understand that, well, this dinner hasn't gone exactly as smoothly

as we would have all liked.

But when two beings, uh, people...

feel about each other the way we do.

Well, we just have to follow our hearts. And even though this might seem really

sudden... Congratulations, kids! We're engaged!

Do you want to say anything, Megan?

I was speechless when Mom asked me that.

The diary?

I definitely wasn't speechless later.

Mother, he's the freak! of all time.

Oh, Megan.

He is.

He's loud and bizarre and he dresses weird.

It's like he's some insane clown or something.

I like him. I'm pretty sure he's an alien.

I think he's a good one.

He can share my room if he wants.

He's not going to be your new playmate, Trev. He's going to be your new father.

Stepfather, Megan. And Ariel will be your stepsister.

Let's not even go there.

Ariel's nice.

She's what, Mother?

I fell in the sink.

Well, maybe she meant the bath.

Oh, and that thing with the hairdryer. What was that?

I think she's pretty.

Yeah, well, you're seven, Trev. You don't know anything.

Oh, and the affected way she talks.

Oh, whore. Oh, misery.

It's like she's in some bad play.

I think you're being silly.

No, no, no. I think I'm being smart.

Mom, you're being silly.

Meg, I would never marry anyone that you absolutely hated.

But I gotta tell you.

Kaz and I are very happy together.

I think this might be the real thing.

So I wish you'd at least give him a chance and try to get along with Ariel,

Mama, I tried.

She is scary.

Well, I hear she likes to sing.

Maybe you could make music together.

Fine. Forget that.

Ariel's in a new place, Megan.

She's a long way from home.

Millions of light years, probably.

Trev. Uh -uh.

She lost her mom a few years back. Did you know that?

She did?

So far from home.

She hasn't had it easy.

Give her a break, huh, Meg?

Great.

She starts school with you tomorrow.

Didn't you have bikes in Yukon? Of course.

I am simply out of practice.

Dear Dyer, can you spell mortifying? I just knew what everybody was thinking.

Who said Dweeb was Megan? Is that Megan's friend? And if so, Megan must be

Dweeb, too.

But then the weirdest thing happened.

Can't you make yourself turn invisible?

Possibly. Should I try?

Too late.

Hey, guys. Hey, Megan. Who's your friend?

Um, this is Ariel.

She's not really my friend.

How do you guys know each other?

Through our parents.

Ariel's from the Yukon. Oh, the Yukon. Cool.

So, like Ariel, do you like skiing?

I like bubbles and I like gas and I'm calm by water.

Cool. Can't argue with any of those.

I don't get this.

Hello. It's because she's gorgeous.

She is not.

Just because you don't want her to be doesn't mean she isn't Megan.

I'd hate to have her first step, sister.

She must feel so inferior.

Inferior? To her?

She's a total psycho.

She can't even ride a bike.

With training wheels.

Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she's being subversive.

Mikey, she fell on her face.

How is that being subversive?

The way she dresses.

It's so original, so fresh.

That is not original.

My Aunt Ida's been dressing like that for years.

And I'll tell you one thing.

Cutter won't think she's cool.

Cutter thinks I'm cool.

Megan, as your friend, that's really pathetic.

I want to go talk to her.

Why? I think she might be like a visionary.

So, Ariel, how come you wear so many layers?

I'm trying to protect my essence.

That's intense.

I can't believe this.

And what is the volume of the swimming pool?

Megan? Huh?

The volume of the pool.

Oh, um... Medium?

Can anyone else answer the question?

Ariel?

I assume that you wish me to visualize the trapezoid outside of the pool as a

base, Mr. Singh?

I assume also that the depth of the pool is measured in meters and the fluid

volume is measured in kiloliters.

Well... Assuming that these things are the case and the water temperature is no

higher than 32 degrees centigrade, then the answer is 13 .34 kiloliters.

That is correct.

Ariel is a full -on goodwill hunting.

I hear her IQ is like 300.

I hear she dated Prince William.

Well, I hear she tutored Bill Gates.

They don't understand, Michelle.

Ariel is not any of those things.

She's like an alien from another planet.

Yeah, from the planet Rad.

No, from the planet Weird.

She fears wind, Michelle.

Well, wind is scary, in a way. I cannot believe you just said that.

Unbelievable! Her first day, and she's already sitting at the popular table.

Megan! Megan!

Heather Hartman's calling you.

Go.

Go!

I love the way you protect your essence, Ariel.

Definitely. And you totally tore the cover off. How, like, mundane bike

is. Ariel says you two are going to be stepsisters, Megan. Well, that's not

really a short thing, Heather.

You are so lucky.

I just think that Ariel is such the total package.

She's wise and deep and mature.

Plus, she has incredibly strong hair.

Do you know what kind of conditioner she uses, Megan?

As far as I know, she just falls in the sink.

Falls in the sink.

I should try that.

You can sit at our table tomorrow, too, Megan.

If you want.

Thanks, Your Majesty.

I wonder if there are any sinks around here I could fall into.

You are such a revolutionary.

This is nauseating.

She's like totally channeling Alfred Einstein.

It's Albert.

Chill, Megan.

I miss you, my darling Snow.

Are you talking to that bubble, Ariel?

That bubble, as you so passionately call it, is the love of my life.

What a poet she is.

She is not a poet. She's possessed.

Yeah, I know. Get to class.

becoming a nightmare of biblical proportions, Diary.

By seventh period, Ariel could have set her hair on fire and run around,

laughing her arms like a chicken, and people would have thought it was cool.

Actually, that would have been kind of cool, but you get the idea, Diary.

But the worst part was that the worst part was yet to come.

Mom, I don't want to teach Ariel how to win a service. It's something you guys

can share, Megan. I don't want to share with her. Megan.

Mom. Megan. Mom. Megan.

This could go on for hours, you know.

Can't you try a bit more, honey?

But, Mom, Cutter might be there.

And Ariel, she's terrified of the wind.

How's she going to learn how to windsurf?

She just needs to get past that thing.

I don't think you're being very mature, Meg.

I'm not?

Mom, you're the Lenders' marrying complete stranger.

Paz is not a stranger, Meg.

In fact, in some ways, I feel I know him better than I've ever known any man.

Do you know the term soulmate, honey?

Mom, okay, I'll make you a deal.

I promise to take Ariel out of the water if you promise never to use that word

again.

Deal.

I'm just going to, like, go out there, and you can copy what I do afterward,

okay?

What?

I fear the wind.

Well, you're going to have to get past that.

And then it happened.

From that moment on, Diary, it was war.

Dear Diary, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I learned what

words high school mean.

Can't you make yourself turn invisible?

Possibly. Should I try?

Too late.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Megan. Who's your friend?

Um, this is Ariel.

She's not really my friend.

At feeding time, I was invited to sit at a certain table which seems to possess

great importance to the humans.

At this table, the conversation was pathetically empty and meaningless.

Everyone thinks you're like a total enigma, Ariel.

But I know what you really are.

You do?

You're a major cosmetics representative.

Right?

Megan!

Megan! I love the way you protect your essence, Ariel.

Definitely. And you totally tore the cover off how, like, mundane bike riding

is.

Ariel says you two are going to be stepsisters, Megan. Well, that's not

sure thing.

You are so lucky.

I bet Megan is so jealous of you.

Bet she wants to be just like you.

Why would anyone want that?

You're both quite vacuous.

Hideous. Monstrous.

Yukon rules!

You are such a revolutionary.

Well, you're going to have to get past that.

When we got to the beach this afternoon, Diary, I had had enough.

I was afraid for myself, yes, but I was even more frightened for Megan Larson.

Would not the wind destroy her?

Watching her blown about on the water, I felt myself begin to fall apart again.

I was just about to go rescue Megan Larson when...

Do you know if your clothes are wet?

I intended to rescue Megan Larson.

Oh, no, she's fine.

What is your interest in this disgusting bag of skin, huh, Hippocutter?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ariel, that is way harsh.

I mean, I don't think it's disgusting.

I think it's very undisgusting, in fact.

That is because you inhabit a bag of skin, too.

Okay, I guess I do. Well, what's the alternative?

I wish to be gas.

Pure gas.

That's one weird ambition.

So, like, uh... You want to be my girlfriend?

I find you vapid and shallow, Cutter.

All right. Hey, you know, maybe I am those things. You know, shallow,

definitely.

Vapid.

Now, look, I don't know what that means, but I'm sure if I did, I could be that,

too, you know? But listen, all right?

Vapid. Shallow people have feelings, too, okay?

Oh, check it out. It's a party. Hey, Megan, how was your ride?

Fine. Come on, Ariel.

Ariel! And now, diary, as we say on Circle On... Bye, Megan. The clag really

the drum.

See you, Ariel.

I just want you to know that I'm onto you, Ariel.

Onto me?

You may think you're fooling everybody else, but you are not fooling me.

I see exactly what you're doing.

I do not understand.

Coming here with your root beer, Joan, your effective way of talking, and your

whack song, and just, like, taking over.

You misapprehend me, Eva Megan Larson.

No. No, I think I apprehend you very well, Ariacola.

You are, like, the total bad thief.

Why do you wish my destruction, Eva Megan Larson? Why?

Because you have come in...

And you've taken everything I want.

Well, fine. Have it.

But leave Cutter alone.

I do not want Cutter.

I do not want any of it. All I want is to go home.

What?

You just want to go home.

You do?

I would give anything to leave this horrid place with its strange creatures

its solid objects and its callous disregard for the natural dignity of

You don't like us because we're not nice to Bubbles.

And we should only to go home.

To be manure.

To be gas.

So, you don't want your dad to marry my mom?

Of course not.

And so in that moment, Diary, a strange unholy alliance was born between Evil

Megan Larson and I.

When Daddy and Kathy Larson went out this evening, Evil Megan Larson and I

volunteered to watch the small noisemaker.

Time for bed.

Oh, Megan, it's not even six yet, and I haven't even had dinner.

Bon appétit.

Good night. Oh, take Murphy with you.

Okay. The first thing we have to do is convince our parents that we're the best

of friends.

I do not understand, evil Megan Larson. How could two creatures who dislike each

other as we do possibly convey otherwise?

There's this thing we have in the U .S. Maybe you've heard of it, Ariel.

It's called...

Megan Larson revealed herself that night as a truly evil architect.

All is fair in love and war, she said.

Sometimes the bubble that shimmers brightest ascends the slowest, I

She did not understand the reference.

Surprised to say I liked it as well.

We had an extremely rad time together, Daddy, and now we are the best of

friends. We can't wait to be stepsisters, Mom. Please sample these

cookies we made, Daddy. And now that me and Ariel are so close, she told me the

sweetest thing.

Kaz thinks that you're the funnest, most refreshingly simple girl he's ever met.

And all he ever talks about is how light, frivolous, and insubstantial you

In the best sense, of course.

Isn't that sweet?

And so our evil plan began in earnest.

Risotto, roasted fennel, and warm pear salad.

Enjoy!

And his flight from Hiawatha and his wondrous transmigrations and the end of

adventures.

Now chapter 16.

On the shores of Gitche Gumee, on the dunes of Nagao Woodju, by the shining

sea water, stood the lodge of Paupukkuas.

It was he who, in his frenzy, whirled these drifting sands to... Cosmo,

what are you doing?

There's a spider in the wall there.

What? I'm just in the middle of my phone.

But it caught a bug, Kathy. Look.

Cosmo. Hey!

Almost time for Hollywood Squares.

I think you're on to something.

I'll say. Being popular is the best reason to do anything.

If you become an elephant, everyone would love you. Then we can be... Are

making fun of me, Kaz?

Of course not, Kathy.

I mean, if you think I'm such an airhead, why did you ask me to marry

How can you ask such a question, Kathy?

I love how fun and free you are.

And I like the way you look.

I'm fun and I'm free and I'm cute?

What about my mind, Cosmo?

I've never seen your mind, Kathy.

That is a very unkind thing to say, Cosmo Cola.

Why are you acting like this, Kathy?

Like what?

Like the shrill and strident guest on a daytime TV show.

Maybe it's because you're acting like an inconsiderate snob, Cosmo.

I had no idea you could be such a termagent.

Terma -what?

Termagent. Loud, obnoxious woman.

This date is over.

Kathy!

Kathy!

Kathy!

What are you two doing?

Nothing.

Of course, as Megan said, one fight was not enough to end the relationship

entirely, Daddy.

Thus, The next move was mine.

As you know, Daddy, Megan and I are now the best of friends.

We so long to be stepsisters.

And in this spirit, she has shared a confidence with me.

Yes?

You see, Daddy, Kathy only acted the way she did because she was testing you, I

told him.

She knows that you can be fun, like a big carefree child, but she needs to

that you can be a real man, Daddy.

And you're only telling him this because you want them to be happy, right?

Mm -hmm.

Perfect. Let's go see how it's working.

You look great tonight, little lady.

Why do you keep calling me little lady, Cos?

Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, ma 'am. I'll take care of

everything.

Except on Sundays when I'll be watching football on TV all day. What on earth

are you talking about?

You looking at my woman, fella?

Cos?

No, sir.

Well, don't.

Then fetch me a steak, son.

Biggest one you got.

Raw.

We don't have steak, sir.

Oh, you don't, do you? Well, this is a pizza parlor, sir.

Aha!

Well, uh... Well, bring me the manliest pizza you got.

And put jelly beans on it.

What's up with Mom and Kyle?

They're having a grown -up talk.

How come you guys look so happy about it?

Go play games, Trev.

Am I very strong, dummy?

Yes, very.

Am I dependable, dummy?

Absolutely.

Come on, little lady, let's dance.

Here in the U .S., we have a little term, Ariel.

Mission accomplished.

In the Yukon, we say gaseous matter expanded.

Right.

Well, gaseous matter expanded, then.

Your plan was wise, Megan.

I couldn't have done it without you, Ariel.

Maybe I did misapprehend you.

The whole cutter thing notwithstanding.

Maybe I misapprehended you as well.

This was a strange diary.

Megan Loderson and I were sharing a pleasant conversation.

We had just managed to make our parents hate each other. And now, were we

starting to like, or at least tolerate each other?

I only acted that way because I thought you wanted me to.

You mean so much to me.

And I thought you wanted me to act the way I did. Who said that?

Incoming looks.

Very not good.

Well, I thought that if Cosmo were like that, and you were, you know, more like

this, we could be more something else. That is the most ridiculous answer I've

ever heard, Megan.

Give me a few minutes. I can make it sound more convincing.

Ariel, I...

nominee. I've disgraced myself and my family all for my own selfish reasons.

Don't cry.

No, Ariel.

Ariel, don't cry.

We know this isn't easy.

We understand, don't we, Cos? Of course we do.

I guess it's not easy being an alien.

I can endure this no longer.

Sorry, father.

My darling Fanul, please come save me from this horrid place.

I wait for you expectantly.

Yours, Zoeza.

P .S.

Whatever you do, Fanul, you must not tell your father the Emperor Sabad where

are.

Plan A went totally belly up, Barry.

But I definitely have a plan B.

Sometimes I wonder for a second if I'm doing the right thing here.

I mean, Kaz is a complete freak of nature.

But he kind of grows on you.

And Ariel?

Well, I mean, is it really her fault that everybody mistakes her weirdness

coolness?

Still.

All we have to do is make him fall for somebody else.

Like my mom? She's still totally in love with my dad.

Well... Not in love, exactly.

Actually, they don't even seem to really like each other much.

But they were married for ten years. Plus, they had me and Ted together.

So that is what ended their relationship?

Horrid.

Apollous. Grotesque.

Dreadful. Like to looter.

What about your dad?

Is there anybody you've met who's even sort of like your mom?

Well, in fact, your mother.

Kathy Larson has a warmth and pleasantness to her that are reminiscent

mother.

In essence, I can see why my father enjoys her company when he's cheered by

For that matter, my mom seems to get along better with your dad than she ever

did with mine.

I mean, she do laugh a lot more.

Yes, they do.

And Trev loves her dad. My father loves Trev.

But anyway.

Yes, anyway.

There is one individual. Do you know the spiritual guy, Trina Suess?

Did she believe she was like Napoleon or something?

Well, she's quite misguided in her beliefs, but... Her manners are at least

and harmonious.

That's perfect.

So here's the plan.

We'll tell her parents that we want to throw them a party. You know, to make

things up to them.

Parents love it when you say you're going to make things up to them.

We'll invite everybody in presto. Chemistry takes over.

My dad has me and Chubb this weekend.

It's perfect.

I don't know how to tell you this, but you were right, Trev.

Kaz is an alien.

I know that.

A bad alien.

He's not.

Trevor, when have I ever lied to you?

Every day.

Well, this time I'm not.

Cosmo is one seriously scary alien.

I didn't want to have to show you this, but... Look.

My plain plan. My plan to take over the world. By Cosmo Cola.

Chapter 1, Eat, Trevor.

What do I need to do?

Mom and Colin will be back in a couple of minutes.

And my dad and Serena Sue will be here too.

What are you doing?

I am preparing food.

I put the stuff in different bowls because they're like actually different

of the meal. Do they not all end up in the intestinal tract?

Yes!

I will be rid of her soon.

I am Serena Sue.

You must...

Must be Megan.

Hi. Come on in.

Ariel!

My sweet, it's been days.

Where is your father?

Can I come out yet?

Go back to bed, Trev.

Who's that lady?

She's a bad alien, too.

Go back to your room, okay?

You were Mickey Mantle, Wilkie, a famous baseball player.

Maybe you two could get a game up. Oh, my!

It was wonderful!

It was sick!

I wrote underneath the board. He really did.

Wow, look at this.

Great job, girls.

Daddy, look who has joined us. Our neighbor, Serena Sue.

What's the news, Serena Sue? You possess great savage luster, Mr. Cola, and

yet... There's an inner child crying out for tenderness and compassion.

Actually, I think that's my stomach. Must be hungry.

Hi. I'm Kathy Larson. Kathy.

You wear a nimbus of distrust.

Right. I got it at the mall.

Humor can be such an effective defense, can't it, Kathy?

Only against people who have no sense of humor.

Would you like something to drink, Serena?

I will have a chai.

Megan.

Ariel.

What are you girls up to?

I'll get it.

Daddy. Honey, hi.

Fred, what are you doing here today?

Megan told me to come today.

You did?

Well, I... I thought Daddy might want to join us for dinner. About that, honey,

I still have some work to do. Is it okay if I just pick you guys up and bring

you back to my place? I can bring my stuff home and work while you guys watch

TV. What do you say?

But we can't, Daddy, because Trev, he's sick.

Really, he is.

Come on, I'll show you.

Elizabeth! I'm coming to join you!

Elizabeth! Fred Sanford! Excellent!

Elizabeth!

Sanford?

If you and Mom get back together, can I still play with Kaz sometimes?

Even if he is bad.

Who's Kaz?

Um, Dad, are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner? As long as you're

already here?

Things were not going exactly as I had planned.

And in the kitchen diary, it was even worse.

I must tell you, Serena Sue, that many, if not all, of your ideas are highly

improbable, if not impossible. You're blocking the trauma, Cosmo. You did die

the Civil War.

I promise you I didn't. You really did, and you were a raccoon in another life.

Where do you come up with these things?

I'm highly sensitive.

And I'm also prescient.

I know what is going to happen.

Do you?

Yes, it's a great... I don't know what you kids are up to, Megan, but if you

want to come to my house for dinner, we'd better get going. I've already lost

hour. Then you'll only be 23 -7 today?

Very funny.

Who are you?

Cosmo Cola.

Kathy's fiancé.

When did this happen?

It was... kind of sudden.

Cosmo and I met shortly after he and Ariel, his daughter, moved here from the

Yukon.

No one lives in the Yukon.

Anyway, we're very happy together and we've decided to marry.

I need an antacid.

It's not an antacid you need. It's harmony.

What? Your soul is that of a warrior. It needs to be calmed, not excited.

You are very perceptive.

I am Serena Sue.

Fred Larson.

Dinner time, everybody.

Okay.

Mom, you can sit over there next to Dad, and Kaz and Serena Sue can sit right

here next to each other.

You know, for a nice mix and all.

Trevor, not there. You give and you give and you give, Fred.

24 hours a day, seven days a week.

And what do you ask for in return? A little respect, a little consideration.

It's true.

Well, girls, this looks very inventive.

They used my recipe.

Perhaps I could cleanse your aura.

I've never had anyone cleanse my aura before.

Oh, you must let me do a psychic reading. This had to be stopped, Ari.

Dad was right on the verge of falling in love with the Blair Witch.

So I did the first thing I could think of. I'm sure I could squeeze it a

I know, I know, it seems totally lame.

But at that moment, it was all I could think of to at least get people mad at

each other.

But even that didn't work.

I've ever used the word debacle before diary, but this was definitely one.

Or maybe it was a fiasco.

Whatever it was, it wasn't good.

I looked over at Ariel, and she looked super strange.

It was like, I don't know, she was falling apart or something.

And when I followed her, the weirdest thing ever happened.

I'm not even really sure how to describe it.

It's just like a blob.

What are you talking about, Megan?

Get away from me.

Megan, what is wrong with you? What is wrong with you guys? Didn't you hear me?

She's an alien.

Maybe you feel like an alien sometimes, Megan.

I've seen this reaction before.

It's hardly uncommon.

Many children fear change of this magnitude.

Megan has gotten used to your current living arrangement, not sharing you, at

least with another parent.

With your impending marriage, that balance will be upset.

This alien story is merely an attempt to prevent that from happening.

Then you think it's all right to go through with the wedding?

As long as it's what you want.

I think it's imperative.

For her sake.

How do I look?

Great.

This is all going to work out, Meg.

I promise.

Mom, he's an alien.

I know.

But after we're married, he wants to become a citizen.

That's not what I meant.

I know.

Isn't there anything I can do to stop you from marrying Kaz?

Megan. It's just that you promised you wouldn't marry him if I didn't learn to

like him.

Oh, Megan, honey, I have thought about this long and hard. And I've talked to

the doctor about it.

If I for one second thought your fears were justified, I know that he's

different.

It's part of what makes him so wonderful.

Cosmo makes me so happy, honey.

And I know that this marriage is going to make this family happy, too.

Do you think I'm going crazy?

We're all a little crazy around here.

That's what makes us so special.

I love you, sweetie.

I love you, too, Mom.

Everything is going to work out just fine.

Megan, you look beautiful.

Yes, future daughter, you're more lovely than cornflakes and root beer.

Thanks, I guess.

Where's Ariel?

Uh, she'll be joining us shortly. I believe she needed a moment of

collect herself.

Or maybe she's just kicking back in the sink.

Goodbye, Zerkalon.

Goodbye, Fanul.

Goodbye, Suiza.

Hello, Suiza.

Is it possible?

It is I, Fanul.

Fanul, powerfully grateful I am to see you. Please, Suiza, such physical

proximity is repulsive to me.

I'm sorry, Fanul.

We must move quickly.

Daddy, or Cosmo Cola, as he's called here... It's supposed to commit himself

marriage to the Earth woman, Kathy Larson, less than an hour.

Your father is very dangerous to me, Suiza.

He wants change.

What is our view of change, Null?

Change is bad.

Things should and must stay exactly as they are.

But change is not always bad, Emperor.

Suiza.

Already this planet has poisoned her mind.

Have you ever been frozen solid, Suiza?

It can be reversed, but only at my pleasure.

You wouldn't want your father to be frozen forever, would you, Suiza?

No.

Good. Then you will lead us to him, won't you?

Won't you?

Hello, is Lou Akapato?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wrong room.

Hello, Serena Sue.

Ariel, my sweet.

Who are your charming friends?

This is Mike.

And his father, Doug.

They're from Yukon also.

Pleasure. You will lead us to Cosmo Cola.

Oh, there is no need to be so tense.

Would you like some nice, relaxing herbal gum?

Be silent.

What annoying creatures these earthlings are.

Emperor, perhaps you are right. Perhaps we are annoying creatures.

We?

They.

But, Emperor, there's more to it than that.

There's a warmth and kindness to these humans. A bravery that might surprise

if you gave them a chance.

Sometimes one must be cruel in order to be kind.

So is a renewal guard the prisoner.

I shall find Cosmo Cola myself.

No, please.

He is my father, Suiza. I have no choice.

I wish I did.

Intruder alert!

Intruder alert!

Uh, cute kid. Excuse me. Where do you want the 82 cases of root beer?

I will assist with the beverages.

Hurry back.

Come, young Trevor, we will vanquish the villains together.

Megan, can you go see if you can find Ariel? We're about to start.

In a minute.

Megan, the future misses Cola. I'm telling you, it is a lovely day for a

wedding.

Yeah, of course, I'd rather be windsurfing. No doubt.

Megan. I'm serious.

Go find your sister.

She's not my sister.

Oh, I'll go get her. Where is she?

Come on.

And is he fat free?

I mean, he looks fat free, but I've never seen him such a golden brown

Chip?

What is that?

That is Serena Sue.

What are you talking about?

What's going on?

Who is that?

That is Fanul.

Fanul, your boyfriend, Fanul?

He and his father, the Empress of Bad, have come for my father.

I knew that guy was invited.

What does he want with your father?

My father is a great freedom fighter on Zerkalon, Megan.

Zerkalon? Zerkalon.

Our home planet.

You were entirely correct in all of your inferences, Megan.

My father and I are aliens.

Why did you come here?

Just to make me feel nefarious or what?

We came to escape political repression on Zerkalon.

We stayed because my father fell deeply in love with your mother.

And that's it?

You're just a kid who got stuck on a whole new planet where you didn't know

anybody?

That's bogus.

I changed homeroom last year and it totally threw me off for like six

I guess I haven't been much of a help, have I?

You can help me now, Megan.

Well, I can try.

What?

I was quite wrong about you.

You are not the cruel, heartless being I once imagined.

You are, in truth, incredibly brave and fearless.

Well, I'm hardly fearless.

You are compared to me.

Well, hey, who'd thought I made you a dictator, dude?

Watch this one, too, Fanoul.

Yes, father.

You're extremely rude, you know that?

Silence.

Peel.

Man, I... Seriously got to improve my vocabulary.

Check it out. It's a party. Hey, Megan, Ariel.

That's pretty unusual.

Oh, thank you so much. I love that you've come.

Hi.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for the one called Cosmocola.

Oh, I think he's still out front. If you see him, would you tell him the

ceremony's starting in 15 minutes?

You've taken me far from home.

Are you ready to pay for your crimes?

What? Emperor Zavad, to you.

You will come with me now.

Whoa.

I've never seen one like that before.

You want to trade?

This is my friend, Mr. Svad.

He, uh, he loves to play hide -and -seek.

Cool, me too.

So why don't you let us count to a hundred, and then we'll come find you.

Okay, but no cheating.

Will you please?

I cannot, Suiza. I'm sorry.

Look, dweeb, just let us out of here now, okay?

Okay?

What? This dude's fully scamming on you, Megan.

Mint.

is strong.

Oh, exactly.

You know, I find I like Megan's brown head better than Ariel's yellow head.

I hear you, bro.

You see, that's the Betty and Veronica thing.

I mean, that's freedom of choice. Right on, bro. High five.

Never mind, man.

Have you decided yet how to best end this treacherous captivity?

Maybe. But you gotta work with me here.

So, Fanul, you must have a lot of power back in your home planet. You know,

being the son of the Emperor and all. Well, it's a great honor to do my

bidding.

And time -consuming.

Well, don't you have any time for fun?

Well, my duties do come first, but sometimes I'm allowed to power float.

It's most enjoyable.

Uh, how do you do that?

Well, first you need to be a bubble.

I don't think I could do that.

So, then it's kind of limited, isn't it?

Around here, we have lots of free time, don't we, Cutter? Oh, yeah.

And lots of choices, like windsurfing, skateboarding. Oh, hey, Fennel, you

like, mountain bike off a ledge into a river and then, like, floated down the

rapids? Now, that is extreme.

It does sound recreational. Oh, definitely, Fennel. We recreate

Like, that's one of the coolest things about Earth. Oh, like last year, for

instance, I totally bladed down this mountain.

You know, I mean, okay, I kind of fell mostly, you know, but it was still cool.

I was all like, yeah.

And what other stuff can we do, Cutter?

Yes, Cutter, what other choices can we make here?

Okay, well, like, oh, yeah, we have fully 18 different flavors of potato

all of which are excellent, except yogurt flavored. It's kind of weird.

You see, Fanul, this planet is all about freedom of choice.

Can you imagine? People here have the freedom to fall down mountains, eat the

chips of many flavors, be vapid and shallow.

Exactly. But your dad, man, he's like a full -on tyrant, dude.

Well, I didn't even know I knew that word.

Tyrant. Cool.

He doesn't want any freedom at all.

He, like, froze that lady.

You know?

Okay, it may look really cool, you know, but it isn't.

In fact, here it is the very antithesis of cool, which I suppose will be uncool.

I think I understand.

Oh, righteous.

So then maybe it's time you stand up to your father?

For, like, freedom and liberty, right?

Because this may be, like, the only planet in this entire universe with,

18 different flavors of potato chips, okay?

I mean, you've got to think of that.

Say it, Fanuel. I know you have it in you. I know the goodness and

make up the very core of your being.

We're out of here, dudes.

I can see why you like him, though. He's kind of cute.

I found him more appealing as a shimmering gas bag.

Enter the teleportation grid, prisoner.

Svart, listen. Traitor.

For the crime of questioning my authority, I hereby sentence you and

daughter to be eternally frozen.

Please, not Suiza. Take me.

Good. Vanur, did you bring the girl?

Yes, father.

What is this? It's not Suiza. No, but I'm her stepsister.

And that happens to be my stepfather that you have there.

So you better let him go now.

Okay?

Brownhead.

What is the meaning of this?

It's time to make some changes, Father.

Change?

Clearly your mind has been warped. When we get home, I will remind you that the

price for change is eternal freezing. Now enter the grid.

Not until you let them go.

Put the prisoner in the grid.

No! You're not taking Cosmo.

Hold it right there, gas bag.

Don't mess with my family, dude. No doubt.

Police children do not question my authority.

I'm sure they'll be here any minute now.

Your tiny machines have no effect on me.

Very not good.

Not the wind!

Not the wind!

Cabber, you bully rock!

Oh, Cabber, man, yeah! Go, Cabber!

Can't they see we're trying to have a wedding here?

What nerve.

Does this dream cause him to go back to being a good alien?

Cool.

Daddy! Thank you, Megan Lance. We're family.

Or at least we're supposed to be. What time is it?

It's time for you to get married.

Really, I thank you. I'm sorry. At any minute. Kathy!

Mom!

So sorry to have kept you waiting.

I would wait forever for you.

Honey, have you seen Serena?

Cosmo, repeat after me.

I, Cosmo, take the Catherine to be my wife.

I, Cosmo, take the Catherine to be my wife.

To have and to hold from this day forward.

To have and to hold from this day forward.

To love.

Fred Larson. Well, diary, I guess some things are just never going to change.

No, that's fine. No, ring me any time. To love, honor, and cherish.

To love, honor, and cherish.

For richer. For poorer.

For richer.

Take my heart.

Rescue me. Let me be the one to love you forever.

Forever.

Because nothing in this world can stop us.

Do you really have to go back to Zircon?

With my father in his current condition, it's up to me to govern our planet.

I'll come back, once I've made a few changes.

Life on this strange planet continues to confuse and amuse me, Diary.

It's odd.

I thought my life was completely over when I came to Earth.

But now I can see that it was really just beginning.

A new boyfriend, who as far as cumbersome bags and skin go, is actually

appealing.

A new stepmother.

Even a new best friend.

Well, Darry, I guess this is the part where I admit that I actually learned

something from these last couple months.

And I did.

But I think I'll just keep it to myself.

I mean, who would ever believe all this anyway?

Let's just say, thanks to my new stepsister, there's room for everybody

popular table.

Come on, sit with us.