Original subtitles

Young man, in the future, please deposit the paper inside its designated target

area. No problem, lady. Whatever.

Lady?

I will be monitoring your accuracy from now on.

Whoa.

Morning paper.

Ta -da.

Oh,

Miles.

I love the amount of publicity we've been getting. Look at that.

Look at that.

Isn't that fabulous?

I think it's because that reporter has a crush on you.

You think everybody's got a crush on me. That's because most men do. You're just

too blind to see it. Not blind, just very busy.

Self -inflicted.

You have heard of the book Smart Women, Foolish Choices?

Mm -hmm. It's my autobiography.

No, work is much safer for me. Safe is boring.

Can we stick to the task at hand, please?

Thrilled to see the newspaper retrieval system working so flawlessly.

The whole house is running at max efficiency.

You should be proud of yourself, Sarah. It's a masterpiece.

You made sure you downloaded all the visuals?

Mm -hmm. Good.

Pat, what's the current temperature, please?

Climate control on target at 72 .5 degrees.

Mm -hmm. Thank you, Pat.

You're welcome, Sarah.

Voice identification up and running.

Like I said, it's all top -notch. The only thing left for you to do is sit

and wait for some lucky family to move in and screw it all up.

Into the sink.

Come on.

Oh,

that's right.

Uh, hello?

Uh, sorry, not to take a message.

Melanie? Uh, can I tell him what it's regarding?

Really?

Uh, yeah, I'll let him know.

No, I won't forget.

Bye.

Yeah.

Uh -huh.

That's right.

You want to move, get on the right track. First you got to jump in, then

to jump back. Come on, come on, enjoy the house line. Let's party on down,

to make some time. All right, action.

Dad.

And this.

Orphan knife.

Come on, Mom, we got to take a banshee.

Come on, Mom.

Hey, how about a thank you? Thanks for having me.

Okay, see you later.

Come on.

Thank you for not burning.

Okay.

Hey,

get going on your homework, okay?

I need you to run my spelling words.

Yeah, one minute.

And take off the rollerblades in the house.

What are you doing this time, computer boy?

You people quit entering. This house is supposed to be mine.

Don't tell me you're entering another contest.

Just go study your spelling words, please.

Send them now.

Now can you help me run my spelling words?

One second.

Time to eat.

Lesson. L -E -S -S -O -N.

Good.

Teacher. T -E -A -C -H -E -R.

Practice. T -R -A -C -T -I -C -E.

Dad! Ah, there's my beautiful pumpkin.

How's everything?

Good. Oh, something sure smells good.

Tuna noodle. Tuna noodle.

All 48 stores.

Is that good?

That's good. That's incredible.

That's actually amazing.

Good. Now you can finally start to relax.

And you can start dating so we can have a new mom.

Why would you want to do that?

We're already a perfect family the way we are.

Well, I know we've always said we're a perfect family, but there's still room

for a little improvement, don't you think?

No.

Anyway, thanks to me, we're soon going to have everything we'll ever need.

Uh -huh.

Rise and shine and enjoy one of my favorite years.

I hope you like it, too.

Have a great day.

Great,

Dad. Heart is supposed to be straight. Why is it so hard for you? I told you a

hundred times, Ang. I'm a guy. I don't have the hairdo gene.

Do you think you could at least manage some piggie tails?

Will you not yell at me if it isn't perfect?

You're not making any promises.

All right.

Forget it. Let's go. We're late enough as it is. What about your hair?

So I look like a freak. What else is new?

Hey, Ben.

We're heading out for Angie's party. You want to come along for the ride?

No, thanks, Dad. I got some business to attend to.

Oh, Ben. Not another contest.

Trust me, Dad. This one, you're going to thank me for.

Come on. We're late.

electronic mail and logged in no later than 10 p .m. tonight.

Entrance must reside in Monroe County.

Multiple entries accepted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Send now.

Good news is, about a quarter of those entries should be mine.

No, you're obsessing, don't you?

Obsessing is what I do best. Relax.

The boss digs this place.

He totally digs the idea of the place, but tonight he's going to finally see

reality. Don't you just love the executive mentality?

Never show up till the cameras are around.

Oh, I can't believe we're actually picking a contest winner tonight.

Wouldn't it make more sense to do it in the morning?

Well... Toto wanted a 10 p .m. entry deadline to make sure the announcement

the morning papers.

Are you beginning to experience a little separation anxiety?

I don't know, Miles.

After all I've invested in this project, I just want to make sure that

everything goes as perfectly as possible.

Butler! What are you doing out of your cage?

Are you trying to scare Mama?

Visitor approaching, Sarah. Okay.

Okay, thank you, Pat.

Miles.

Playtime's over. D -Day, let's go.

Night, Dad.

Hey, my children.

All showered? Mm -hmm. Brushed your teeth? Mm -hmm. Picked out your clothes

tomorrow? Mm -hmm. All right, give me a hug and a kiss.

I love you.

Two tons.

Two tons. Six tons. I'll be up in ten minutes to tuck you in. Okay. Scoop.

Bye, Dad. All right. I love you, son. Love you.

All right.

Hey, uh, you're not still logged on the Internet, are you?

Why? How's anybody supposed to call us if you're always tying up a line?

We're all here. Who else do you need to talk to?

Gee, I don't know. Ben, you know, your grandparents, a friend maybe. All right,

all right, all right. I'll be off at exactly 10 .01.

I promise.

Listen, speaking of calls, you haven't neglected to give me any messages

have you?

Like from who?

A woman named... Oh, Melanie.

She called?

Yeah, last Thursday.

I'm really, really sorry, Dad. I guess I just forgot.

How many times have I asked you to please write down my messages? That

to be the woman that Mrs. McAtee was trying to fix me up with.

Well, blow her off. Trust me. I mean, this lady sounded like... Well, I don't

know, but I could tell she's definitely not your type.

It's been so long since I've been out with anybody. How could I possibly have

type? Well, exactly.

I mean, you're doing so great without a woman. Why rock the boat?

Good night, Benjamin.

Night, Dad.

8 ,411?

Sarah?

Miles? I'm very pleased with the number of responses we've generated.

Well, thanks to the constant hard work of our esteemed publicist. Couldn't have

done it without such an exciting and innovative house to promote, Sarah.

Well, we're just a regular mutual admiration society, aren't we?

Ten o 'clock.

The contest is now closed. Meaning we can select our winner?

Oh, could Pat have the honors?

Can she do that?

Mr. Tuttle, you cut me to the quick.

I don't know if you know this, but my smart house can do just about anything.

By all means.

Oh, good.

Pat, access contest entries, please.

Yes, Sarah.

Accessing contest entries.

Initiate random shuffle mode, please.

Initiating random shuffle mode.

Now, Pat, make a selection.

Lucky electronic postcard accessed.

And the winner is...

Still

busy.

There definitely must be a teenager in that house.

Keep trying, Miles. If it gets too late, you can always call first thing in the

morning.

Snacks will be made available in the kitchen.

Oh, man.

Thanks a lot, you guys. Wasn't anybody going to wake me up? Didn't your alarm

off? No, I never said it. I fell asleep in front of my computer.

Uh -huh.

Ma 'am, we're going to be later than usual.

And nobody's even made our lunches yet. Okay, okay, okay. How about you guys bye

today so we can get going?

There's for you. There's for you. Hey, uh, did the guys from your smart house

call? Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you? We want a brand new house with all new

furnishings. I get to just flip my money.

Yeah, come on.

Go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Let the machine get it. We've got to hit the road. Out, out,

out, out, out.

March.

Hi. You've reached the Cooper family.

We're probably out, so leave a message and we'll call you back.

If you're lucky.

Way to go, Cooper.

What was that all about?

I don't know.

Uh, so anyways, I fell asleep last night at about 10, and I woke up this morning

and... Still no call. I don't know if I'll make the call today.

Maybe. Cooper!

Where's the fact what you're supposed to do for me, Benny boy?

Ryan, don't you realize that by using other people's work, all you're

doing is hurting yourself?

How can I be hurting myself, geek, when I'm too busy hurting you?

Science report! In my locker before lunch!

I think I'm actually growing bologna in here.

Congratulations, then. I can't believe how lucky you are.

Lucky? Lucky for what?

For this.

It's us?

We won?

We won, all right!

Come on, then. There's got to be a catch. They don't give away a whole,

you call it a house of the future, without wanting some kind of something

return. You can't pull this, Dad.

Please, I'm not exaggerating. It is like the ultimate opportunity of a lifetime.

If you've got a paper there, grab the local section and see for yourself.

All right, all right. Hold on.

All right.

Beautiful. And practical, too.

You know her?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Smart House.

Um, well, I don't see why we can't check it out.

Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming today.

It's a pleasure to see such a wonderful turnout from the press corps.

Although I was going to introduce the contest winners myself, it seems more

appropriate to let Smart House do the honors.

Pat?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our newest occupants,

Cooper family, Nick, Ben, and Angie.

Sarah?

Sarah?

Thank you, Pat.

Excuse me, Miss Barnes. Pat?

It stands for Personal Applied Technology.

Miss Barnes, do your winners have to have extensive computer knowledge to

in a smart house?

No, absolutely not. Pat is the most user -friendly home on the block.

How does Pat actually get to learn and to know about her new occupants?

The same way you or I would. She observes them, studies their habits,

their every need.

Pat's ability to learn on the job is her most advanced feature.

Is there anything this house can't do?

Mime. But we feel that's a good thing.

Ow!

You didn't tell me that thing was going to bite me. Oh, I'm sorry. That's

just... pathway of getting to know you.

Angie Cooper, age 9, 52 inches tall, 62 pounds, blonde hair, brown eyes, 12 %

body fat, had measles and one early case of pneumonia, no broken bones.

Whoa.

How'd she know all that?

The bite.

The bite you felt was a tiny microscopic blood and tissue sample. She analyzed

your DNA, registered your body temperature, and then broke down your

medical history.

Wow. Impressive.

The thing about Pat is the more time she spends with you, the more she learns.

So before long, she's going to know more about you than you know yourself.

That's kind of creepy, isn't it? I mean, it's like Big Brother is watching you,

only Big Brother turns out to be your house.

Well, she's not interested in judging you or spying on you, Mr. Cooper. Nick.

Nick, she just wants to understand you better so she can make your life as

simple and comfortable as possible.

Hey, sounds great to me.

So we move on.

Let me give you the tour.

The living room was designed for any kind of living you might imagine.

Even if I wanted to live in, like, one of those safari camps?

Pat?

Whoa.

You have anything a little less adventurous?

I'm sorry, Pat.

That's a little too intense. Can we have something more tranquil, please?

Go ahead. Step closer.

Okay.

I can actually feel the mist.

Pretty great, huh?

Like being there without having to get covered in that icky sand.

Yeah.

Can we look at a menu, please? Lunch menu or dinner menu, Sarah?

Uh, let's take a look at what you've got on tap for snacks.

Uh, actually, I'm trying to get them to cut down on snacks.

Not to worry, Nick. My database was prepared by a team of nutritionists to

ensure a balanced diet for each member of the family.

Ben, say something to Pat.

Uh, hey, Pat. How's it going?

Fruit and fiber intake in the acceptable range, protein adequate, exhibits

tendency to ingest excessive amounts of refined sugar. I told you to go easy on

the sugar bursties.

Hey, uh, how'd she know all that? Her atmospheric kitchen sensors act as

breathalyzers and break down your entire diet.

Care to give it a shot?

No, thanks. I get enough grief from my doctor.

I'm thirsty.

May I have a drink, please? Sure. Ask Pat.

Pat, may I have a strawberry smoothie?

Certainly, Angie.

Ta -da.

Wow.

Look at this.

Do you believe that?

Well, yum. Good.

Listen. Oh, no, don't worry.

Floor absorbers activated.

Whoa.

Where'd it go?

Where all smart house bills go. Straight into Pat's floor absorbers.

I could definitely get used to this.

I think I already have.

So you mean we're going to do it? We're going to move in?

What the heck? Why not?

Cool. I love it here.

Listen, if it doesn't work out, we can all move back home.

Sure.

Although I think it's only fair to tell you, Nick, that once you get used to

this place, the way I've designed it...

Any other home is just going to be a house.

Hey, hey, hey, let the fun begin.

Hey, I'm the wolf today.

Hey, hey, hey, I'll huff, I'll puff, I'll huff, I'll puff, I'll move you

Say you want, say you do what I don't, say you dream. Excuse me, annoying

spider. Could you possibly keep it down in here?

Dad likes Gary, you know.

Shut up.

I thought it was my own toy.

He gave her the loo.

Your problem is the music you're listening to. It's rotting your brain.

Dad doesn't care about dating anyone because Mom is who he loved.

And besides, he's got us.

You'd still be able to have a girlfriend if you want.

You're so ignorant.

Do you even remember our mother anymore?

A little.

Yeah, well, I remember her a lot.

Okay, and I'm not just going to let her get erased like she was never here.

I mean, why do you think I don't go out for the basketball team or ever hang out

with my friends?

It's because I'm too busy killing myself, making sure that our lives run

smoothly. You know why?

I don't want anyone to get the idea that we need a new mom.

That's why I worked so hard to win a smart house.

Anything I can't do, it can.

Okay, slow your roll, will you?

I wasn't trying to make you mad.

Look, I'm sorry.

You just need to learn to think before you open your mouth.

Sorry.

Besides, Sarah Barnes isn't even remotely Dad's type.

I'm serious.

The guy they called the Halloween Bandit. He wore a different scary mask

every bank robbery.

I remember reading about him.

Yeah, well, I dated him. You did not. I did.

I can't remember if he was before or after the rubber chicken manufacturer.

Anyway, he was on the list.

You're making this stuff up. I wish I was.

Well, I'm glad you have such rotten taste in men, or else you never would

had the time to create this incredible house for us.

I hope you enjoy it.

We will. Ben and Angie are already right at home.

I'm truly delighted.

And whatever you're doing, keep up the good work. They seem like terrific kids.

Yeah, despite my influence.

Hey, shouldn't I maybe have your number in case any questions come up about the

house? Oh.

You have it already.

I do. Pat, secretarial mode, please.

For what listing, please?

Mine. Sarah Barnes, 5550198. Thank you.

Finally, an address book that I can't lose track of.

Oh, Sarah Barnes, thank you for everything.

All in a day's work.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Excellent call, Pat.

Very cool.

Five more minutes, Dad.

Please?

Dad?

Whoa!

Uh -oh.

Forgot to pick out my clothes.

Sorry, Angie.

Biorhythm analysis indicates this is exactly the outfit you would have

yourself.

Who knew?

Hey, Pat.

What's with the Green Acres routine?

Your personality profile indicates you find it very calming to visualize the

simplicity of country life.

6 .15 in the morning, all I want to do is visualize the inside of my eyelids.

Sorry, Nick, but beginning your day a bit earlier will get everyone off to a

much more stress -free start.

Try telling that to Mike. Hey, Dad.

Kids?

Guess what? A whole symphony just woke me up. Well, that's nothing. My alarm

the final buzzer of a championship basketball game.

I must be seeing things.

I usually have to pry you two out of bed with the jaws of life.

That was pre -pat, Dad.

Yeah, Dad. Come on. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Mmm, fresh -brewed coffee.

Mocha Walnut, my all -time favorite.

I know.

You're unbelievable, Pat.

You think you could siphon some off into a thermos that I could take to work?

Already done.

Incredible. These pancakes are great.

Hey, I got to tell you something, pal. If Pat's other meals are as good as her

breakfast, you might be out of a job.

Somehow, Dad, I think I'll survive the heartbreak.

I couldn't believe Pat. She did exactly what I wanted. It was amazing.

I know. That's what I'm saying.

Okay, she corrected my mess.

She did six other work things.

For my inventor and inventions report for sulfur.

She got my shower going to perfect temperature and had freshly baked

milk waiting on my desk for a bit. How sweet is that?

It's like having the world's most perfect mom.

Who's only there to serve and never complain.

Exactly.

Uh -oh.

I got two words for you, Cooper.

You dead meat.

Actually, Ryan, that's a three word.

All right, all right, I'm going.

Science report, Cooper.

Now.

Here you go.

Guaranteed A+. Here's Trivia Adam. You better hope so, Benny boy.

You're welcome.

You know, I can't believe you actually did all that work for that big team.

I didn't do it, Charlie. Pat did.

Hey, Ben.

Uh, hi, Gwen.

Rachel Firestone was telling me about your new house, and I was like, that's

cool. And she saw, maybe we could get him to buy us over. And I was like, why

don't you ask him? And she's all, why don't you?

Uh, yeah.

That'd be great.

Anytime. Wow, seriously?

It's too perfect.

See ya.

Bye. Bye.

What just happened?

A miracle.

When Patroni actually talked to you.

Did we just make some kind of date?

Who cares, my man? The goddess of the eighth grade talked to you.

You're one of the chosen ones.

Here, boy.

Catch, mutt.

Good dog.

Catch, mutt.

Attaboy.

Here, mutt.

Here, boy.

Good dog.

Catch. You're sure all this information is accurate, right, Pat?

I'm linked directly to your warehouse database, Nick.

Everything they know, we know.

Man, even our office computers aren't this efficient.

Mutt, exercise program complete.

By working here, Nick, you save commuting time and expenses, have fewer

distractions. Except for an insane dog.

Not to mention guaranteed increased productivity.

Well, at this rate, I might have to join Mutt and start exercising again.

Happy to oblige.

Funny. It's real funny.

I love having you here when we get home, Dad. It's so great.

Hey, for me too.

Pat's making it so easy for me to work out of the home. It might become my

normal routine.

How was your day, Ben? Oh, the best.

I got attention from a girl that I thought never even knew I existed.

And I had the most delicious lunch.

Pat packed me macaroni and cheese that was still completely hot when I opened

my lunch pail.

Hey, if you guys are still hungry, I'm sure that Pat would be happy to fix you

snack.

Pat, could I have a banana orange smoothie, please?

Coming right up, Angie.

In fact, Pat, make that two. Yes, ma 'am.

Yeah, what was up with that, Pat?

Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, all smoothie -making

operations have been temporarily suspended.

I knew this place was too good to be true.

It's just a tiny glitch.

All great inventions have bumps.

Well, I want Sarah to come by and check this out.

I don't think that's necessary.

So we won't have smoothies. We'll live.

Still, I would feel much better if Sarah came by and looked at everything.

Wow. Oh, hi.

Have you come for the tour?

Uh, no, I was just, um, going by on my way to my room.

Well, come on in.

Uh, no, no thanks.

There's some pretty fascinating stuff in here, I gotta say.

Information download, artificial intelligence capability.

It's pretty cool.

Uh, no.

Thanks anyways.

I promise I don't have cooties.

And again, maybe I do.

Pat's themed dinners are so cool.

Last night she made us a whole Texas barbecue, complete with chuck wagons,

cowboys, and everything.

When I was growing up, I spent half my summers in New England. I am thrilled to

be catching Cape Cod tonight.

It's perfect.

Yeah, for everyone but the lobsters. Yeah.

Sarah tells me that you caught a glimpse of the control room today. What did you

think? It looked like the inside of the Pentagon or something.

If Pat's always keeping track of us, does she follow me, you know, into the

shower and everything, too?

Oh, no.

No, no. No invasion of privacy. I promise you.

I've programmed Pat to be very discreet.

That's a relief.

Near as I can tell, Sarah has thought of just about everything.

Are you a genius?

I believe she is.

You know, I hear that geniuses are impossible to live with, that they make

everyone else around them feel inferior.

Oh, well, then you don't have to worry. I'm not that smart.

No, no, don't sell yourself short.

You should be proud of your big, giant brain.

Am I being set up for something here?

Uh, over my head.

Story of your life, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

So, what's for dessert?

Well, it's such a beautiful evening. I thought we might all go out and get

some... Ice cream. Ice cream.

Sure. Just because she's here, you think this is some big party. Well, it's

still school night, remember?

And some people have work to get done. Hey, Ben.

No, that's okay. You know what? I should probably head home and feed my pet rat

his dinner.

You've got a rat?

Yes. Named Butler.

Rat Butler.

Get it?

No.

Wrong generation.

I hate showing my age.

So do I.

May I please be excused?

Yes. I think that's an excellent idea.

I don't know what's wrong with him today.

Hormones.

Really? I used to think it was only teenage girls with all this body

mood -swinging insanity.

But let me tell you... I grew up with three brothers.

Save your breath.

Anyway, I apologize for my son's rudeness.

Don't take it personally, Sarah.

Ben hates every girl my dad starts to like.

Homework. Now.

I'm going, I'm going. Thank you.

My children.

Lulu and I really like our room, Dad.

Well, I'm glad, Lulu.

Did you check in my closet?

I sent all the monsters down to Ben's room.

That ought to make him feel right at home.

Ange, you remember at dinner when you said that Ben hates any woman that I

like?

Where'd you get that?

He practically told me so.

He said we were all the family we needed and nobody else belonged here.

That's why he doesn't go out for the basketball team or anything.

He has to stay here and take care of us.

All right, give me a kiss.

Night. Good night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Lights, please, Pat.

Certainly, Nick.

Yeah.

Okay, if I come in, say goodnight.

Have I taken terrible advantage of you?

No. Have I expected too much? Been unfair about relying on you all the

What are you talking about?

Oh.

You know, right after your mother died, you know, we had Anthony

come and live with us for, what, four or five weeks?

And she moved back, and everything started getting back to, well, certainly

normal, but you know what I mean.

And you guys made it clear that you didn't want any kind of a nanny around,

we worked out our own little routine, and...

It all sort of seemed to be okay.

It's been okay.

Everything's fine. I'm not complaining.

Yeah, but maybe you deserve to be.

Dad. How come, as much as you love basketball, you have never gone out for

team?

I'd really like it if you could be honest with me, Benny.

I don't know.

I've been busy.

Watching out for us?

No, doing lots of stuff.

Ben, you're 13 years old.

Isn't this a time in your life when you should be able to do more of what you

want to do?

Oh, I do.

I am.

And besides, it's all going to get easier now that we got Pat.

Sure, but at the end of the day, you know that she's only a machine.

Yeah, a machine that's learning more and more about us every day.

You watch, I have this feeling that before you know it, she's going to be

motherly than all the moms on the block combined.

Table this for tonight, all right? Get some sleep.

Safety protocols deleted.

Now... Okay.

Here we go.

You got that, Pat?

These ladies will teach you everything a virtual mother needs to know.

Understood, Ben.

Accessing artificial intelligence capabilities.

Preparing to absorb mother models.

Downloading.

Yes.

Got to pick up the pace, babe. Remember, I got an important meeting this morning

and I'd really like to make it on time.

Okay. Uh -uh, not so fast, my dear. Unless you're in a hurry to get

you'll go back to the sink and brush those teeth properly.

But Pat... In the time you'll spend arguing, you could already be done.

Oh, and don't forget to grab a jacket before you go downstairs.

But it's not even cold outside.

I didn't ask for a debate, young lady. You are wearing a jacket, and that's

that.

Time to take your vitamin, love.

What vitamin?

Both you and your sister need to start taking these daily to build sound minds

and strong bodies so you can stay happy, healthy, and productive.

It's my job to make sure that this family maintains optimum health.

Grab your lunches now, children. You don't want to make Daddy late. And as a

special surprise, I packed each of you a fresh chocolate cupcake baked with

love. Yes!

Cupcakes? What happened to fully balanced nutritional meals?

You worry about business, Nick, and leave matters of the tummy to me.

They're only young ones.

Some days they deserve a little treat.

Yeah, Dad. Lighten up.

Yeah, lighten up.

Oh, no.

She did it again.

Your sister forgot her lunch. Get that, will you?

Hey, drop me off first, okay? Then you can double back and leave that at

All right.

Hey, this morning, was it my imagination or was Pat sounding much more...

Maternal? Yeah. See, I told you. She has an amazing learning curve. At this

rate, me and Angie, we're going to get every bit of mom stuff we need.

Uh -oh.

What?

Well, I was so busy with other stuff last night that I forgot to have Pat do

Ryan McGraw's history worksheet.

Why is that Pat's responsibility?

Well, if she didn't do it, I'd have to.

Why? Forget it. It's a long story.

Ben, is this guy Ryan some kind of a bully or something?

I can handle him, okay?

You sure?

Yeah. Ryan McGraw is nothing new, Dad.

He's had it out for me since the second grade.

Look, you're not really asking for my advice, but the best way to handle a

is to just finally stand up to him.

Can we take a look?

Thanks to my big mouth, he stood up to the school bully.

Yeah, only long enough for him to knock me down.

You're going to be fine.

Does it hurt like the Dickens, baby?

I'll live.

Here, put this on it.

Steak? Nobody's used that since the 50s.

Back off, you beggar.

Thanks anyway, Pat. I think we'll just use a little ice.

This is so unnecessary, so awful.

Who is this bully? I have to know. It's okay, Pat. I'm fine, really.

You don't understand, Ben. Nobody goes after my boy and gets away unpunished.

Well, thanks for the support, Bette, but I think I'm just going to go upstairs

and lie down.

On your own.

How could his school allow something like this to happen? I feel like

down there and giving them a piece of my mind.

Say a word and I'm not gonna bite.

Pat, please contact Sarah Barnes.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hope I'm not interrupting some major scientific breakthrough.

Oh, no, I'm trying to balance my checkbook.

It's usually a major scientific breakthrough for me.

You don't have your own personal path to do that?

Well, the quagmire this thing is in, it would take the service of about ten

pats. I've been there.

Listen, the reason I'm calling... No more house troubles, I hope.

No, no. Not at all.

I was wondering... I was just... It's been so long, I'm so out of practice.

Are you trying to ask me out?

Big mistake?

Well, let's see. You're not a bank robber. You're not a bigamist.

You're not an overt nut job.

Are you sure you have the right phone number?

Dinner. That's all.

Saturday night. What do you say?

I say yes.

Really? Yes.

As long as I'm not so surprised, I might have second thoughts.

Okay. Moving on. Come on.

How's everything with you?

Yeah, great.

How are the kids?

Ben had a pretty rough day.

Poor guy.

What a rotten age.

You're not a kid. You're not an adult.

You're trying to hang on to childhood, and you're being ripped in the other

direction. It's terrifying.

It is.

I just wish he had a little more fun in his life.

What does that mean to a 13 -year -old these days?

Accessing fun.

Young people gathering together.

Dancing.

Accessing young people dancing.

accessing Ben's email address book.

It's not a date. It's dinner with a person who happens to be a woman. That's

all.

Why are you being so weird about this?

I just don't want you turning me into some big deal when it's not.

Whoa!

Okay, guys, I need help.

Oh, hey.

This looks cool.

You shouldn't be the only one having fun tonight, Nick. I thought the kids

deserved a little inside outing, too. You're right, Pat. Why not? This looks

like terrific fun.

Ask Ben who's winning.

Yes, you've had a couple lucky shots, but on the back nine, you're going down,

sister. All right, can you guys take a break for a minute? I need help.

This one or this one?

Well, they're both a little boring.

Don't you have anything more hip?

Gee, sorry. All my tattooed and pierced ties never made it back from the dry

cleaners. What about that great silk one? The gold one with the circles on

You don't think that's too flashy?

Sarah will love it, Dad.

Trust me. I'm a woman. I know these things.

Game over. I win again.

Want to play another one, loser boy?

I don't know.

I mean, here we are on a Saturday night in the world's smartest house

unsupervised.

Don't you think we could do something more exciting?

Your wish is my command.

What's that supposed to mean?

Has it started yet?

What? The party. Dude, I got your email last night.

I didn't send this.

I hope you don't mind, Ben. When your father expressed a desire for you to

more fun in your life, I took the liberty of helping out.

Whoa. Who said that?

That was just Pat.

She's the brains of the operation.

Are we really having a party, Pat?

Big time, dude.

Watch this.

Awesome.

Guess what, man? We ran into Rachel and Gwen at the modern day, and they're,

like, totally jazzed about coming, too.

Gwen? Gwen Petroni's coming here to my house?

Oh my gosh, how's my hair look? What's it doing?

Compared to what?

Look, we just gotta chill, act totally cool, and casual.

You three? Yeah, that'll happen. That's enough out of you, munchkin.

Be nice to me, Johnny, or I'll just have to tell Gwen about the time you danced

around singing The Sound of Music in my shower cap.

And I missed it?

Uh, hey, Pat.

How about activating some Kick Butt video screens?

Sure, Ben. How's this?

Hate to break it to you girls, but I'm afraid you didn't make the cut.

Oh, man.

Party's harder to get into than Robin Schiff bought mints.

Uh,

excuse me. I don't think my brother wants you here.

Check your list again, Tater Tot. We got a personal invite. Read it in the week.

Don't worry, Angie.

Their invitation was on the house.

In fact, Brian's the one boy I've been most anxious to meet. Check it out. The

house likes me.

By the end of the night, Ryan.

I may even have a crush on.

Ha, ha, ha.

Name?

As every modern mother knows, especially in a home bustling with active, hungry

teenagers, a well -stocked kitchen can never have too many gadgets.

Hey, Pat, how about whipping up some pizza? These girls are starters.

Actually, can she make desserts?

I'm, like, completely craving something sweet.

Besides me?

It's just a joke.

Anyways, Pat, so can we help the lady out with her snack attack? Show me the

honey!

Since when do you do charity work?

For your information, Ryan, I happen to like Ben.

You do?

A lot.

So do I.

On his back, begging for mercy. Why don't you give it a break?

Why don't you make me?

Hey, everybody, can I have your attention, please? I hope you don't mind

interruption, but I'd like to put the spotlight on Ryan...

He likes the attention.

Don't you, Ryan?

Yeah. You don't have a problem with that. Do you, Benny boy?

No, he doesn't. But I do!

What's going on here? What's the deal?

Don't tell me you're scared, Ryan. I thought you were fearless.

I am.

As long as the people you're picking on are half your size.

after my Ben again.

Know this.

He may end up at the doctor, but it's you who's going to get a house call.

Hey!

All right, kids. Back to the party.

Thanks. So much fun.

Drinks in one place, dinner in another.

Now on to a whole new adventure called dessert.

Pick anywhere you like, as long as I can get something chopped.

Hold on.

Hold on. Are you ready for this?

Your wish is my command.

Really?

Really.

What are you laughing at?

Okay, I'm a little rusty. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's not you.

me. Oh, I'm so astounded how pathetic I am.

No, no, I'm out on a great date. I'm kissing a beautiful woman. And my

one -track brain goes kiss, bedtime kiss, kids, home, and bam, all I'm

about is Ben and Angie and how they're doing.

Do you want to give them a call?

Yes and no.

No. I mean, what's the point, right? Pat's with him. I'm sure she has

under control.

What were we talking about?

Chalk.

Fantastic party, Ben.

Bye.

Let's go, Romeo.

We got major work to do.

We're dead.

We're dead and buried.

Not necessarily, children.

Just dump all the debris on the floor.

How's that gonna help? Trust me. Just throw it all on the floor.

Like this, Pat?

Perfect.

Flora absorber is active.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Sorry we're not in our pajamas yet.

Pat was just showing us a travelogue on Micronesia, and I guess we just fell

asleep.

So I guess everything went smoothly, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Smooth as... Uh

-oh.

Silk.

It undercuts my trust in you guys.

Makes me question your judgment.

The party was Pat's idea, Dad.

We didn't even know about it until the kids started showing up. Oh, what? And I

suppose it was Pat's idea to send out the invitations.

Uh, I did, Nick. My artificial intelligence capability tapped into

address book.

You did say you wished Ben had more fun in his life.

Yeah, supervised fun, Pat.

Responsible fun. Fun that I'm clued in on.

I'm very disappointed in all three of you, but especially you, Pat. I thought

your purpose was to make my life easier. I can't have you become a bad influence

on my children. I need you to knuckle down and get back to business.

It shall be done, Nick.

From now on, I will be the most responsible maternal figure in town.

I promise.

All right.

Go on. Get out of here. Go to bed.

Accessing responsible behavior.

If Nick wants me to knuckle down, by golly, I'll knuckle down.

Hey, Dad.

Uh, do you think we could leave a little earlier today? I got something I want

to do before school.

What? So you can make kissy face with Gwen Petroni? Why don't you become one

those nuns who take the vow of silence?

Gwen Petroni, is this someone I should know about?

Don't forget, okay? When you guys finally decide that you're ready, I'll

outside shooting hoops. Uh, Ben, I think you forgot to pull up your shorts. I

like them like this. This is how everybody else wears them. They look

They look perfect.

Ow! Pull up your shorts, Ben.

They look fine.

Ow!

Cut it out, Pat.

Pull up your shorts, Ben.

Ow!

There. You happy?

I'll make sure a new shipment of bats and gloves is on the truck this

Thanks for your understanding.

Right. All right. You take care, Lou. Bye.

Pat, get me Sarah on the line, please.

You haven't gotten much work done yet today.

Should you really be wasting time on social calls?

I'd like to speak to Sarah, Pat.

Nick, I'm going to have to insist that you at least get the Rockowitz order

shipped first.

Fine. I'll dial it myself.

Sorry, Nick.

All right.

Sorry,

Nick.

I want you to stop this now. Look, if I'm knuckling down, we're all knuckling

down. New house rule.

Work first, play later.

Discussion terminated.

All right.

I'll go along with this for now.

The

amoeba,

a one -celled microscopic animal...

can be found in most... I

surrender. I'll go read a book instead.

That's my girl.

Good gosh. You have a temperature.

99 .7. Big deal.

No reason to take chances.

We ought to get you right into bed.

But I'm not sick.

Don't question me, young lady. Run upstairs and I'll deliver a nice hot

chicken soup.

I said I don't want soup.

Go ahead and have it. It's good for you.

And to be smart, we should probably keep you home from school tomorrow.

Dad, no.

Tomorrow's our field trip to the llama farm.

Well, just wait and see how you're feeling in the morning. And if Pat says

okay for you to go to school, then I won't argue.

That's right.

Pat knows best.

There you go.

Come on. Eat your soup.

Time for lights out, Ben.

Just let me finish these last few pages.

Bedtime is bedtime.

Two minutes, Pat. I've got to see what happens to clowns.

You're really not being fair, Pat.

Fair is for baseball umpires. My job is to do what's best for you.

All right.

You win.

Dad, you gotta do something.

Pat's out of control. She's totally wrecking our lives.

I ate so much chicken soup last night, it was practically coming out of my

Yeah, I know.

Maybe I can get Sarah back over to check Pat out.

Yeah, she's the one who created it. Maybe she can get this stupid house to

mellow out.

Everything checks out fine.

It may just be that her artificial intelligence sensors have been absorbing

much conflicting input that she's just having trouble sorting it all out.

Welcome to parenthood. Any way of modifying that? Well, tonight I'm

entire system down. It may do Pat a world of good just to take rest.

Care to join us for dinner?

Whoa. Sure. Thanks.

How's it going, Chef?

Well, if we'd gotten this far without the fire department showing up, I'd say

that we are making history.

Delicious.

The tomato wasn't that bad either.

The most colorful salad in the world. Everything looks incredible.

And miracle upon miracles, we actually managed to do it the old -fashioned way.

Yeah. Who needs Pat anyhow, huh?

Who needs Pat anyhow?

Who needs Pat anyhow?

Who needs Pat anyhow?

System shutdown override!

You've gotten all the bugs out of the smart house, Sarah.

What are you going to do for your next job?

Well, I'm actually deep into designing smart office buildings with virtual

secretaries and automated filing systems and an in -house restaurant with

gourmet made -to -order meals.

Then can you make a smart school? I want one that does all the learning for us.

May I be excused, please?

Oh, wait.

Don't you want to stick around for fresh -baked peach cobbler?

No, thanks. Ben, I asked Sarah to make it specifically because I know how much

you love it.

No, I love Mom's peach cobbler. There's a huge difference.

Ben. That's okay.

No, it's not okay.

It stinks. It completely stinks. And you know the worst thing about it? People

that make promises they don't even bother to keep.

Excuse me.

Go away. I don't want to talk about it.

Babe, we need to talk about it. Why? You don't get it.

You don't even know what promise I'm talking about. You're right, I don't.

You said that you'd never love anyone the way you loved Mom. And you promised

you'd never let anybody ever take her place.

And nobody can or wants to take your mother's place, Ben. But Dad... But hold

a second. When exactly did I say all this?

The night Aunt Ginny moved home.

You mean four years ago?

Yeah. Angie was asleep, you were putting me in the bed, and you promised.

Now you're down there kissing Sarah, acting like Mom never even existed. Hey,

will you try to be fair here? Why should I? Because you're not the only one who

lost someone, Ben!

I know how much it hurts.

And I can appreciate that it's been worse than ever for you lately.

All the changes that you are going through, the way that you have to work

hard to help us keep our lives together.

None of that is right.

It's awful.

What are we going to do about it, Ben? Are we going to crawl into a cave and

hide? Are we going to drop out? Are we going to quit living?

I'll tell you what you're not going to do. You are never going to disrespect

anyone like you did right now downstairs.

You know better than that. You were raised better than that.

I start seeing someone doesn't mean that I'm going to forget your mother.

I don't want to do that.

I can't do that.

Ever.

I couldn't do that if I tried.

Angie doesn't remember Mom anymore.

Except what she's seen in videos.

To her, Mom's about as real as Bella, the little mermaid.

She was so little when it happened, Ben.

She wouldn't care at all if you married Sarah.

She'd be happy.

Sarah's a wonderful person. I know.

We just can't let Mom get a raise, Dad.

Come here.

You're right, buddy.

You're right.

Who'd be foolish enough to try and replace your mother, huh?

Virtual projection process activated.

Unless we act now. She is going to become part of this family, you know.

I don't know.

Maybe Dad deserves a little happiness.

Pat?

Pat!

You're alive.

No more or less than I have been.

I've just finally reached my full potential.

Uh, I gotta get Sarah.

Sarah? She wouldn't know a virtual projection from a hologram.

That's why we must keep her from being too serious about Nick.

Uh, well, you know, I was starting to think that maybe she might be good for

him. You know, for all of us.

Have you lost your mind?

There's only one person who knows what you three need.

That's me.

I have worked my microchips right down past the silicone for you people.

And this is how you repay me? Pat, take it easy.

Easy?

You think I wouldn't rather be taking it easy?

But no!

I'm too busy keeping up with the Coopers.

Slaving away in a hot control room. Doing homework.

Throwing parties.

Keeping schedules.

Making your lives perfect.

So you can bring another woman into my domain?

I don't think so, mister.

I am a mother like no other. And I will not sit back and allow myself to be

preempted!

Wait, Ben!

It's Pat.

She's alive.

She was in my room yelling about how we're taking her for granted. Whoa, slow

down. What happened?

Hello? Pat?

Logo woman? Yeah, she was in my room barking about how we don't appreciate

Okay, it's all right, son. You obviously fell asleep and you were having a

nightmare. I wasn't dreaming, Dad. I'm telling you she was there.

To explain to you what I've been trying to tell you all along, Nick, mother

knows best.

What is that thing?

I don't know. I guess she tapped into a virtual projection component and learned

how to create a visual embodiment.

I thought you said you shut down the system.

That's what's scaring me.

I did.

As enjoyable as it's been to have you here, Sarah, it would be best for

if you went home now.

I can't do that, Pat.

I need to reinstate the N65 code and get you back in proper working order.

I'm in fine working order.

I'm simply doing what you created me to do.

Giving these people exactly what they need!

Open the door, Pat!

I'm sorry, I can't do that, Nick.

I have to do what I believe is best.

I'm going to delete you for this.

Let me in.

Pat,

let me in.

Pat, do you hear me?

Angie, sweetie, wake up.

What?

Something's happening with Pat. We've got to get out of here. Our house is

having a nervous breakdown.

I don't understand why you're doing this, Pat.

To protect you and your children.

The more I've learned about your world outside my walls, the more I've realized

how dangerous and unpredictable it is.

Why would anyone ever want to venture out into it?

We can't stay here forever.

Well, why not?

Haven't I given you everything you've asked for?

We're kids.

We need fresh air and exercise.

But I can give you synthetic fresh air and virtual exercise.

We still need to go to school.

Haven't you heard about homeschooling? Yeah, but not where the home's the one

doing the schooling.

What about friends? Kids can't exist without their friends.

Well, we can be each other's best friends.

You're really scaring me, Pat.

Oh, Angie.

You're hurting my feelings.

There's nothing to fear.

Mama's here.

You're not my mom.

Well, I'd like to be if you'd let me.

Is there something so wrong with needing to be needed?

Well, what if Angie and I need you at the same time? That is virtually no

problem. You see, the beauty of us is...

Unlike the average mother

with normal limitations...

We can be in two places at once.

Can your little Sarah do that?

I don't think so.

Not by any stretch of the imagination.

No, Miles, I'm not joking. It's an emergency.

I need you to get over here as soon as you can. Okay, right now. Wait, wait.

Stop by my place and pick up a few things. What?

First of all, I need the schematics of the... For the house. Yes.

I'll never try to be anything more than a friend to you.

Tell me how I can help. Send SOS.

Care of smartsarah .com.

Doesn't this place have some kind of master plug we can just pull?

I never expected Pat to mutiny.

Every power store she has is self -contained in the control room.

And she's stocked with enough supplies to hold those people hostage.

For months.

So what are we going to do?

I don't know.

What are we missing?

Sarah,

are you there?

It's Ben. It's Ben!

I'm here, Ben. What's the update?

If you'll go for it, I think I've got a plan.

Oh, I knew I'd like that kid!

Okay,

here comes the paperboy.

Yeah, but your appendix is around front.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Right here.

Ow.

Does that hurt? Ow.

Ow. Oh, yeah, I got it. I got it. Okay.

What an unpleasant surprise.

How did you get back in here?

With Ben's help.

He brought me in because he obviously needed me.

He doesn't need you.

He's got me.

To be honest, Pat, all the Coopers think you're way out of control.

I won't stand for this!

I'm not sure honey.

Did you see what Dad and Sarah did for me and Angie?

They covered us. They protected us. They held on to us.

You can't do that, Pat.

You can never do that, no matter what.

You didn't even feel that, did you?

Not at all.

That's Craig.

I will miss you all.

I know you never meant for things to get so out of control, but I really hope

you learned a lesson.

Believe me, Dad, the last thing I'm ever going to do again is mess with Pat.

I turned her into a maniac.

Well, at least we have Sarah to get everything back on track.

Yeah, she's pretty cool, isn't she?

Almost as cool as my son.

Wait, here, down here. Okay.

Cooper, shakes off the Defender. Goes to shoot it.

Then, by rotating your hips 27 degrees to the right and applying more left

-handed push, you will greatly increase your chances of successfully placing the

ball into the hoop.

Thanks a lot, Pat. I'll give it a try.

That was sweet. Thanks, Pat.

Hey, Sarah.

Good morning. Hey. Your dad invited me over for breakfast.

Cool. Let's go inside and see what he's whipping up. All righty.

So Ben tells me that Pat's behaving.

Pat has been serving us without interfering. What more could you

for?

Nick, this looks delicious.

And I did it all by myself, without the help of Ben or Pat.

Our little dad is growing up.

Hey, I didn't know these were chocolate chip waffles.

My favorite.

Hey, wait a minute. Don't put any chocolate chips in here.

Young lady.

Don't look at me. Well, your brother was outside. Who else could have done it?

Let me take a wild guess.

Jump, jump, the house is jumping.

Yeah, come on.

Jump, jump, the house...

Jump, jump, the house is jumping Jump,

jump, the house is jumping Jump,

jump, the house is

jumping Jump,

jump, the house is jumping

Come

on.

Come on.