Original subtitles

[wistful music playing]

FUNERALS OF ALL KINDS

[Tupac] Go inside. Just go into the Fune-hair-eal Parlor,

apologize, and everything will be fine.

Don't just do your usual thing and run off when it gets tough.

Toni, you wuss!

As expected, Toni didn't go inside.

Instead, he wandered aimlessly through the night

and dragged himself home at dawn, looking miserable.

See? Absolutely miserable.

And Charly wasn't the only one he had screwed things up with.

[thunder rumbling]

[Drehws] Dalia, I need you to call Toni.

[obnoxious hip-hop ringtone playing]

Dr. Drehws, hello.

[Drehws] Toni, Toni… Where do I even start?

Sunshine, good morning!

I'm making a few pancakes for my kids here.

-More marshmallows, okay? -Yes, sir.

Yeah, I think one of my kids loves marshmallows.

I'll admit, when you suddenly vanished yesterday,

I was pretty mad at you.

But then your old man talked you up.

He told me the truth. All of it.

-The Swiss boy actor. -[man yawning]

The fight with your real son, and why you left.

So it got me thinking,

"I guess Toni's doing the best he can, right?"

Plus, if you can't take responsibility for your kids,

you won't take responsibility for your career either.

Dalia!

-Yeah? -Oh.

-How are we picking Toni up today? -The pink porno limousine.

Pink porno limousine.

Sounds about right.

Toni, you're going to be the opening act at Pipo's concert tonight.

Fifteen thousand people chanting your name.

[all chanting] Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!

Toni! Toni! Toni!

Today could be a historic day,

or a total disaster, who knows. [chuckles]

The car's on its way. Toodle-oo!

"Toodle-oo"?

[Johnny] So?

I haven't messed it up yet!

-[laughs] -Ahh!

-Yeah! -Yeah. Ow!

-Sorry. I… -[both grunting excitedly]

Mm.

-Mwah! -Ugh…

-It's your time to shine, kid. -[car horn honks]

[hip-hop beat playing]

[horn honks]

-Oh my goodness. -[laughs]

My son… I'm really proud of you.

Thanks for everything.

"Thanks for everything…"

Thanks for everything… Papa.

[excited laughing]

-Sure thing. -Mm-hmm.

Um… Do you want…

To come along? Wha… Me?

[laughs] Well, nah.

But maybe Charly wants to.

[intriguing music playing]

-Thank you. -[Tupac] He hadn't messed up with Drehws.

So maybe he still had a chance with Charly too.

[twittering]

Look at my Teddy Bear in the pink porno limousine.

They just grow up so fast.

Excuse me, driver…

Can we stop somewhere?

[man] Anything you want, my little superstar.

Bruce Willis?

[Bruce] No, I'm just the car.

Why do you sound like Bruce Willis?

[Bruce] Because that's the voice you want to hear right now.

Sick. So true.

Can you… Can you say, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker"?

[Bruce] Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

CRAP HAPPENS

[vibrating]

[Johnny] A call? For Johnny?

Good morning, Jörgi.

-[Jörg] Hey, Johnny. -What's going on?

I'm worried about Nancy.

What's wrong with her?

She doesn't want to brush her teeth anymore.

[Tupac] What Jörg actually meant with his dental hygiene concerns was this.

After Nancy was fired for her illicit investigations…

I said you're fired!

[Tupac] …she went, as any die-hard law enforcer would, completely rogue.

She stopped showering, got a bunch of little strings,

and printed out photos and whatever.

You've all seen crime shows before. You know the drill.

And looked off dramatically.

Oh, good Lord, Jörg! Listen closely.

Stay where you are, and don't move an inch, all right?

Tupac, where are my pants?

-[quacks] -Again?

[exclaims]

FUNE-HAIR-EAL PARLOR

[radio DJ] This is Schitten Radio back again, the station that always knows

what's happening with you.

With a song everyone loves.

♪ Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice ♪

♪ Kawaaa… ♪

[DJ] By a man everyone loves.

Everyone loves Toni.

Absolutely everyone. Right?

-Mama… -Someone doesn't?

-Yeah? -Can you please turn off the stupid radio?

♪ This is my advice ♪

-[DJ] No! -Okay. You still mad at Toni?

It was a stupid idea.

No, it wasn't a stupid idea. He's just an idiot.

Yeah, but how hard is it to just be there for your kid?

That's all I ever wanted.

I know.

I mean, it would've been so cool if we could talk without words?

-[Jana] Like us? -[Charly] Like us.

[Jana] A telepathic parent-child connection is so cool!

[Charly] So cool!

But I get nothing from him.

[Tupac] Charly wanted a sweet and caring dad who was just there for him.

But what he got was…

[hip-hop beat playing]

[Charly] What the hell?

[Tupac] …a rapper in a pink porno limousine.

Hey. Hi.

[Jana] Oh.

The Father of the Year is here.

Charly…

I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry I lied to you. -Mm.

I'm performing at this huge concert tonight as the opening act, and,

you know, if it goes well… then I'll get signed, and, well,

everything will be a lot easier.

And I'll have a lot more time for us.

No more lies, okay?

[clears throat] That's it?

Uh, I thought maybe you'd wanna come along?

So you can see what I do and why it's so important to me.

[emotional music playing]

[Charly] I told you. Your career or me.

[takes deep breath]

Good luck at your concert…

Toni.

Leave.

Sorry.

[sighs]

[engine starts]

[Jana] Hey, Snugglebug…

We could just go to Tropical Island together.

To clear your head a bit.

[Charly] Can you stop with the commercials for Tropical Island, please?

-Sorry. -[door closes]

[Bruce] Don't be sad, motherfucker.

You remind me of myself in the '90s art house masterpiece, Armageddon.

I had to leave my daughter behind back then too.

Uh… Sorry, Bruce, I don't think Armageddon's gonna help me right now.

[Bruce] Armageddon always helps.

My destiny was to drill asteroids.

Your destiny is to become a great rap star. Okay?

-Okay. -[crowd] Toni! Toni!

-Then let's go to Berlin. -[crowd] Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!

[country rap beat playing]

PEDICURES

[Jörg] Nance-mouse? I brought your papa, baby.

-Princess? -Don't call me that.

Okay. Um…

Nancy, do you maybe wanna tell Daddy what you're working on here?

You would never understand.

There are some things out there that are so horrific…

Mysteries so… unexplainable, so unspeakable, so inconceivable,

so… dark that no one could ever unravel them.

-Wait, I know what this is. -What?

[mysterious music playing]

It's asparagus.

Asparagus?

Blue asparagus. It grows in our garden. I just toss it out in the garbage.

But why is it blue?

I think it's a mutation.

That could be it, considering Kaia's bomb experiments.

-Are you ready, you [bleep]? -Yeah.

BACK IN KAIA'S BOMBING PHASE

[Kaia] Bomb experiment 473.

[both] Yeah!

-[Wera] Kids! -[both] Man…

-Enough of that crap! Dinner's ready! -[Karo] What about the other bombs?

[Kaia] Don't be a [bleep] snitch!

Why would someone turn our asparagus into some sort of drug deal?

'Cause there's an institution in Germany that'd never allow

genetically altered food with who-knows-what inside

to hit the legal market.

An institution that we all respect.

The only authority in our country that no one fucks with.

The National Dental Chamber.

What? No, Jörg.

-The Department of Food Safety. -[Johnny] Yes, exactly.

[Nancy] But why are people getting addicted to it?

That, Nancy-Pants…

we'll likely never learn.

Have you tried it before?

What?

Of course not. I hate asparagus.

Aw, just like Papa.

Because of the texture, the smell…

-The hollandaise sauce. -[both retching]

[retching continues]

I'll do it.

What?

I'll try it.

-You'd do that for me, Jörg? -Even the base. I'd eat it all for you.

[retches]

Oh, Jörg.

-[Johnny retches] -Nancy.

[retches]

[mysterious sitar music playing]

[Johnny gags]

[Jörg] Hm.

[Johnny groans in disgust]

So?

-[gulps] Yup, it's good. -[Nancy sighs]

Normally, I think asparagus is pretty tasteless.

-But I can eat this one plain. -[Johnny retches]

Do you feel anything?

[indistinct voices echoing in Russian]

Do you hear that voice as well?

Yeah.

-Jörgi! -[woman speaking Russian]

Don't forget, you have an appointment next week.

[whispers] Goddammit.

Well, maybe we just have to wait a little before it starts kicking in.

[clock ticking]

[dynamic hip-hop beat playing]

[Tupac] And while the three of them waited for the asparagus to hit…

Toni arrived in Berlin like a real rap star.

[Pipo] ♪ Pizza Boy Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy ♪

♪ Delivered straight to your door Hot and ready, hits ahoy ♪

♪ Pizza boy, pizza boy Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy ♪

♪ Bring only the purest joy Pipo got the freshest toys ♪

♪ Pizza boy Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy ♪

♪ Delivered straight to your door Hot and ready, hits ahoy ♪

♪ Pizza boy, pizza boy Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy ♪

♪ Bring only the purest joy Pipo got the freshest toys ♪

Pipo, dude, how sick is this?

-Stop the beat. -[music stops]

Who are you?

Uh, Toni?

Toni… Toni, right!

Hey, I barely recognized ya.

We worked together in that… What was it? Pizza place!

You mean last week?

Jeez, I can hardly remember anymore. Was that it?

[Tupac] In just one week as a rap star at Cutie Heart Records,

Pipo recorded eight songs, played 16 concerts,

opened three orphanages and four furniture stores,

all on a whopping six hours of sleep total.

How's your mom, bro? Has she recovered from that… death?

No.

Give her my best, dude.

Thanks.

Yeah, dude. Congratulations. I mean… Rapping for thousands, right?

Number one on the charts?

Pipo, are you okay?

-Pipo? -A little wisdom for you, bro.

Yo, run for your life, bro.

This game… It'll eat you alive, bro.

I'm so tired.

-I don't have time anymore… for anything. -What's going on?

-What's wrong? -[sobbing]

Susi's dead!

[tragic music playing]

-[sobbing continues] -Susi? You're kidding.

[Pipo] She's dead 'cause I didn't have time for her anymore.

Pipo, they need you backstage.

Sleep. I just need to sleep for, like, an hour.

You can sleep when the tour's over. Go, hurry!

-Go! -Run away, bro.

[footsteps receding]

-Toni, hey! -Hey.

Glad you made it. Come backstage.

-Okay. -[dynamic hip-hop beat playing]

[Toni] Dalia, is Pipo all right?

[Dalia] Yeah, he'll be fine. Here, this is for you.

-Is this my contract? -No, those are your appointments. Here.

CONTRACT- GNARLY RAP CAREER

My first rap contract.

And here's the marketing concept.

-With even more appointments. -Okay.

If it goes well tonight, we'll start with the album,

pulling together the band, internet presence, game shows, podcasts.

Next year, festivals, tour, and second album.

We'll keep it old school the year after that,

meaning drug addiction, rehab, recovery book, third album.

Okay…

In eight years, we'll do a biopic about your life. Hold on…

Here, the script's ready.

Just stick to that. It's all in there, okay?

AXEL STEIN AS TONI EMILIO SAKRAYA AS JOHNNY CARRERA

DON'T RAP YOUR LIFE, LIVE YOUR RAP! A FEEL-GOOD MOVIE FROM NETFLIX

[Toni] Netflix? Okay…

[hip-hop continues]

Whoa.

[DJ] Two hours and 34 minutes left until Toni Fleischer's big performance tonight.

Anyone in Schitten who still wants to go last-minute should head out soon.

Very soon. Like, now.

Schitten Radio. The station that serves you. And your feelings.

-Snugglebug? -Hm?

-Are you having a hard time? -No, why?

Maybe you should take it easy on the cocoa.

[Charly sighs]

[DJ] Hello? You're going to miss the concert.

I hope that's what you want, 'cause you won't get another chance.

Am I making a mistake?

[DJ] You might be.

Honestly, you have every single right in the world to be angry with him.

But at Tropical Island, where everyday life takes a backseat,

I learned it's okay to listen to your heart,

and to maybe give your stupid rapper father one last chance.

That's a super specific lesson.

-Yeah. That's Tropical Island. -[DJ] Hello?

Is anyone listening?

Does anyone even listen to the radio anymore?

I'm so lonely.

[Tupac] While Charly mulled it over,

the trio at the police station were still waiting for Jörg to feel anything

other than the urge to cure cavities.

Well, Jörgi? Still don't feel anything?

[clock ticking]

I need to pee.

[chair scrapes]

INVESTIGATIVE FOOD SAFETY ADMINISTRATION

Y'know, I used to wanna work with food safety.

You don't say, Nancy.

Mm-hmm. In the '90s, yeah.

I wish I could flash back to those days, just to feel how I felt then.

["Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus playing]

♪ I have a dream about her She rings my bell… ♪

[Nancy] We were all crazy about blue slushies.

And we got a hell of a lot of brain freeze.

Little did we know that damn thing was spiked with Molly.

[machine whirring]

-[Nancy] Then one day, they came. -[slurping]

[tires squealing]

♪ 'Cause I'm just A teenage dirtbag, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby ♪

♪ Listen to Iron Maiden… ♪

That's when I knew I wanted to be a law enforcer.

But my mother said the DFS only takes the best of the best.

[rock song ends]

So I never sent my application to the Department of Food Safety Academy.

And became a local police officer instead.

Nancy, come here.

-I'll break your arms. -Okay.

[Jörg] Johnny! Johnny!

[Johnny] What is it?

Smell it!

Ew, no!

-Please just smell it. -Ew, Jörg, that's disgusting!

Johnny Carrera, you are smelling my pee-pee.

Oka… Uh, okay.

[intriguing music playing]

[sniffing]

[gasps]

[inhales deeply]

There's no scent.

Yeah. See what I mean?

-Oh! [laughs] Cool! -[laughing]

Ah! That's it! Nancy! Follow me!

-Nance-mouse! -Nancy!

-Nancy! -Nance-mouse! Ahh!

-[cheering] -[hip-hop beat playing]

[Pipo] ♪ I'm walking slow motion From the pizzeria ♪

♪ I'm ordering Another round of Margheritas ♪

♪ Nah, nah I ain't talking 'bout tequila ♪

♪ Me and my señoritas eating Margheritas ♪

♪ Salami, salami, salami, salami, salami ♪

[Tupac] 150 performances in the first year alone,

300 promo dates, and 180 days on the road.

[Drehws] Knock, knock.

Nah… Don't get up.

So, you got any questions before your first buzzard flight to the sky?

Um… How does it work with kids?

Ah…

Listen…

When a man and a woman… like each other very much…

or when same-sex couples, y'know, decide they're ready to have children--

-No, Dr. Drehws. -It's possible--

What I mean, actually, is, uh,

how can someone have a career like this in rap and still be there as a father?

How does it work? How do you do it?

Oh.

I don't have to work. I'm rich.

Ah, so rich…

Yeah, that makes sense.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

All right then.

Break a leg.

[snorting laugh]

[emotional music playing]

[Tupac] There's no way he could live a normal life with a contract like this.

It was either that or a family.

He couldn't have both.

[woman clearing throat]

Surprise.

Hey. So you changed your mind?

Well, you're not the father Charly wanted, but you're the father he has. So…

work it out.

And I am going to leave you alone.

[ominous music playing]

[Johnny laughing]

We've got it! We know the secret behind the blue asparagus.

[sniffing]

-Huh? -Smell-free urine!

[gasps]

[ominous music playing]

[Johnny] I mean, think about it.

Asparagus that actually has some flavor for a change

and doesn't make your urine stink.

Of course everyone's completely hooked on it.

Especially in Berlin.

I want more. Give me more!

Pull yourself together.

What do you mean by that?

People in Berlin are completely obsessed with their own pee.

[gasps]

[sinister music playing]

Urine parties here, urine tastings there,

urine shakes in the a.m., or urine cream soup in the p.m.

I hate Berlin.

[man outside] Hey!

For Mama.

-[shots firing] -[screaming]

[gunfire continues]

[ethereal music playing]

[distorted] No!

[screaming in panic]

[crowd cheering]

[Pipo] Okay, I'm gonna sing one more song, and then it's Toni!

[crowd cheering]

[Jana] Just talk to each other already!

So, are you nervous?

Nah.

The honest answer.

Actually, I think I might've peed myself a little.

[both laughing]

Maybe I was a little bit unfair before.

Maybe it could work, rap and me.

[Jana] Keep talking.

[slurps]

Ahh.

What's that?

This is my contract.

-Mm-hmm. -And this thing here is

a really, really thick marketing plan.

With, um… lots of appointments.

Toni! You're up in ten. Move it already!

Yeah, uh, I'm talking to my son right now.

Well, do that later!

[scoffs]

Sorry, Charly. I gotta go on stage.

Um… Hey, we could watch Armageddon tonight though, if you want.

-I've already seen it. For school. -What do you mean, for school?

Um, Armageddon. It's my school play, and I'm doing the music.

Oh yeah. Totally forgot.

Yeah, I know.

But hey, you'll have more time for me now, right?

Right?

[emotional music playing]

-You said no more lies. -Um…

[Tupac] So there was Toni,

just minutes away from his big performance,

the one that would change his life forever.

He could already hear the crowd chanting his name.

[crowd] Toni! Toni! Toni!

[Tupac] But how was he going to explain to Charly

that he wouldn't have time for him anymore?

"You said that today, remember?" Charly would add.

If Toni were to tell him the truth, he would say,

"I think it's going to be even worse."

And that would break Charly's heart.

Toni would try to stop him.

He'd go after him and say, "Charly, wait, we can do this. "

But then Charly would answer, "Do you really believe that?"

[crowd] Toni! Toni!

[Tupac] And the crowd would chant even louder.

Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!

And Charly would walk away silently…

and he would never look back.

[crowd] Toni! Toni! Toni!

-[Tupac] Toni would lose Charly. -Toni! Toni! Toni!

[Tupac] Charly would go home.

Jana would keep getting hammered.

And Toni would walk onto the big stage, like he'd dreamed of all his life.

He'd be a star.

But the whole time, he'd think about nothing else but…

["Wunder gibt es immer wieder" by Katja Ebstein playing]

[crowd] Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!

[chanting continues]

[Pipo] Toni, bro. Come out, bro. Where are you?

-Yeah, I don't know… -Go back there and look for him, dammit!

[Pipo] Did you run away, bro?

[chanting echoes]

[Pipo] Take me with you, bro.

[chanting continues]

[Pipo] Bro?

Toni!

[muffled chanting continues]

[gasps]

Shit.

["Jein" by Fettes Brot playing]

[Toni] Hey, is there something I could do in your school play?

[Charly] Uh, you could move the crane. It's like towing, only in a theater.

[Toni] Oh, cool, perfect.

Check this out.

-Bruce? -[Bruce] Yeah?

-Drive us home. -[Bruce] No problem, motherfucker.

Oh, you guys are so cute.

You remind me of my character in the '90s masterpiece The Sixth Sense.

I was faced with a choice back then, and I also chose the weird little kid.

Spent all my time with him.

Seriously, every free minute.

It was nice.

No life of my own anymore.

No hopes.

No dreams.

No passion.

Only that kid. Every day.

Turns out I was dead in the end.

[both] Shit.

["Jein" continues]

-[Johnny] You okay? Everyone all right? -[Nancy] I think so.

[Johnny] We're okay.

-Wait! Oh no, Vladimir. -[Vladimir groaning]

I'm here. I'm a doctor.

Come on, you're just a dentist.

The mayor. She's behind this.

It can't be the mayor!

That's why she made me that offer.

It's all about that stupid blue asparagus, isn't it?

What do we do now?

We've gotta stop her.

["Jein" continues]

[singing in German]

[rapping in German]

["Jein" fades out]