Original subtitles

[gentle music playing]

[motor roars]

[Bob laughing]

[funky rock music playing]

[revving]

You ready to become a star, Toni?

Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

[laughing]

[Bob laughing]

-[splats] -[bird calling]

CRAP HAPPENS

FLEISCHER 24H TOWING SERVICE

[bird cawing]

[intriguing music playing]

[quacking]

[quacks]

Hello?

Johnny!

[gun cocks]

Where are the tacos?

[door opens]

-[wind blowing] -[Tupac quacks]

No one's here yet?

[Tupac quacks]

Who is she?

That's Doris. I couldn't cancel the driving lesson in time, sadly.

So where are the tacos?

I have no clue.

-Miss Fleischer? -Yes, Doris.

What tacos?

Johnny Carrera makes the best tacos in the world.

But only at Christmas.

[mariachi music playing]

[Tupac] In Mechiko bei Kiel,

people followed the medieval tradition of eating tacos on Christmas.

With spicy Schleswig-Holstein salsa.

Johnny brought this tradition to Schitten.

His tacos were obscenely good.

But today wasn't Christmas at all.

[quacks]

Man, I hate Johnny Carrera.

But I love his tacos.

I could kill for them.

[sinister music playing]

I'm serious.

I would kill for them.

[Tupac] Believe it or not, Kaia was once charged

with a taco-related assault.

But that's a whole other story.

[blows]

[heroic music playing]

[wind whistling]

Am I interrupting?

What the [bleep] is up with you?

Are you dying or something?

What? No, I was at rehearsal.

Armageddon.

I'm Bruce Willis.

-Miss Fleischer? -Yes, Doris.

Is Bruce Willis part of the test?

For the last time, Doris, yeah!

So, where are the tacos?

No idea.

Kevin just had kidney surgery and he's walking home so I can eat tacos,

but okay.

[door opens]

Sorry I'm late. I tried getting out earlier, but it was like pulling teeth.

Get it?

Pulling teeth?

[Tupac] Nancy's husband, Jörg, was a dentist, by the way.

The only dentist in all of Schitten.

[Doris laughing]

Enough with your dumb jokes!

Okay.

So, uh, where are the tacos?

[sniffing]

[Kaia] Where's Johnny?

Where are the tacos?

And why are these [bleep] chairs set up like this?

[sniffs]

Forget about the tacos!

-It's a trap, the tacos are a lie! -[all clamoring]

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lie, but I didn't know how else to get you all in one room.

-There are no tacos. -[sisters groan]

But… No, wait! Please.

Hear me out for a sec, and I'll make you my Mexican Christmas delicacy. Please!

-I don't trust him. -Should I shoot him?

You have one minute.

Okay. That's great.

My dear family, this is an…

intervention.

For one of my kids. A "kindervention", if you will. [chuckles]

-[gun cocks] -Yah!

Hey, please, put the gun down! Okay?

For-forget about the name for now.

Anyway… someone in our family really needs our help.

I'm part of the family?

[Paule chuckles]

Someone who's just consumed by work these days.

Who's absent.

Ow!

Aggressive.

Uncivilized.

Okay, yeah, I'm sorry!

[sighs] Sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean to, Jörg.

But I haven't slept for days. I can't stop thinking about the pink packages.

And I'm not allowed to think about them because of the Mayor's stupid orders.

What am I supposed to do?

Nancy, honey, I… actually meant Toni.

Oh, okay.

Charly nearly drowned in the Havel yesterday

because Toni wasn't with him.

-What? -Is he all right?

[Johnny] Given the circumstances, yeah.

But if we don't stick together as a supportive family

and get Toni to come around, he might lose Charly, and I mean forever.

So I made T-shirts for everyone!

TONI'S RESCUE BRIGADE

[Paule] Hey!

-[Paule laughing] -[Jörg] Oh! [laughs]

[clears throat]

[Tupac] While his family was coming together, Toni was still feeling euphoric,

and a little high.

Nothing could ruin his good mood today.

For the first time in a long time, Toni was happy.

Sick.

[Tupac] Toni was determined.

Toni was sure he'd made it.

He had the hit he needed.

♪ I'm so fly, I'm so nice ♪

Kawaaa!

-♪ Buzzard, buzzard… ♪ -My song.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A STAR! RICK (P.S. KAWAAA!)

♪ Taking flight ♪

Kawaaa!

Rick is very proud of you.

[Tupac] No one had ever been proud of Toni.

And don't forget, they're going to try to drag you down.

-Yeah, man. -Yeah.

Wait a minute, who's "they" again?

Your family.

They'll be jealous of ya.

-Kawaaa! -Kawaaa!

-Mm. -Mm.

[engine roars]

[Bob] Kawaaa!

[Tupac] Proud.

Rick is proud.

Maybe his family would finally be proud of him too.

Dalia, I pulled it off.

I've got the hit.

[Dalia] Aw, how nice.

My office, now. How fast can you get to Berlin?

-Around three hours? -I'll give you two.

I'll send you a link for the ticking-clock app. Don't be late!

Tick. Tock. Tick.

Shit. Charly?

Charly?

[quirky music playing]

[grunting]

Johnny?

Are you having a stroke?

No, I'm trying to look angry.

Where's the record? Where's Charly?

-My dear son… -Not your son.

What's about to happen will hurt me far more than you.

Come to the barn.

You're gonna rough me up in the barn?

[horror film music playing]

No, Toni, we're not in Austria.

Come on.

This is an intervention.

Why are you all wearing those hideous T-shirts?

My dear family.

Doris.

This might come as a shock for you,

but the ghost of your deceased mother appeared to me recently.

What was she wearing?

Uh… She sent me on a mission, actually--

Hm. She only nags me when I see her.

Uh, okay.

What, really? You saw her too?

Yeah. I wanted to buy a sun hat the other day.

She suddenly appeared and said,

"I may be dead, but I'm not blind. Your head's too big for a hat like that."

So I didn't buy it.

Okay.

She gave me tips for tax returns.

She went over her stew recipes with me.

-5'3", brown hair, discus thrower, right? -Uh-huh.

She always comforts me when I'm sad.

-Oh. -Hm… She gives me fitness tips.

[whistles] That's nice.

Oh…

Okay, everyone can see her, then?

Well, she pulled all of us together to help you become a better person, Toni.

[chittering]

Here, in my hands, I have Rico the talking pony.

Johnny, I don't have time for your ugly horse.

I'm going to Berlin.

You're not ugly.

Charly nearly drowned in the Havel yesterday.

[serious music playing]

What?

He called you and asked you to come down to the stand-up-paddle limbo championship.

-Several times. -I-I was in the studio.

I wanna see him.

No, Teddy Bear.

He's sleeping.

Please sit down and listen to us.

[Toni exhales]

My son, you are a father.

-Yeah, I know that. -So please act like you're a father.

[Jörg] Mm.

-Jörg… -Hm?

You're a father.

Maybe you could help. What do kids want from a father?

Um, now?

Food in their mouths.

Okay. Uh, no.

Wh-What did you want the most from your father?

For him to die.

Uh…

And his house.

Oh. And his set of teeth.

Forget it. Thank you, Jörg.

[Paule] I don't care if they got out.

-Paule, you're a father… Sure, okay. Yeah. -Yeah, one moment.

Kevin, bud, just lie there on the curb and I'll come get you as soon as I'm done.

-[Doris snapping fingers] Mr. Carrera. -Mm-hm?

-I'm no doctor, how would I know? -Yes, Doris?

[Paule] It's just blood.

I'm pregnant.

[Paule] I don't care, you got it.

And I don't know who the father is.

That's helpful, isn't it?

-[Paule] What? -No, Doris, not at all. But thank you.

Glad to help out.

Tick. Tock.

-Oh fuck. -The point is, you're a father.

And you must be there for your son.

Always. No matter what.

Johnny, I can't always be there, can I?

Yeah, that's the dilemma.

You can't, but you must. That's what having kids is like.

Paule, what are you talking about? You're the worst father ever.

-What makes you say that? -You hate your son.

-I love Kevin! -Then why are you such a dick to him?

Mm… To toughen him up for life.

Kevin?

You're useless. No one will ever love ya.

-[both] Hm. -He'll be really strong one day.

Okay, this, uh… This isn't about Paule's super questionable parenting methods.

You didn't go to Charly even after the doctor called you.

[harp playing chord]

[stupid voice] Hello, this is Dr. Snuts.

There was an accident in the river.

I told you last time, Charly. Enough with these stupid pranks.

No, this is Dr. Snuts…

[echoing] Snuts…

[Toni] I thought it was a prank.

He said his name was Dr. Snuts, and that voice he had was so stupid.

[man with stupid voice] Your son's life is no longer at risk.

He's doing all right.

But you?

You, sir…

are just plain mean.

[Dr. Snuts sniffles]

I didn't go to med school for this.

Not for this!

[Dr. Snuts sobbing]

Now you've insulted Dr. Phil D. Snuts, my God.

Okay, how does nobody get how that sounds like a prank?

"Phil D. Snuts"?

-What's there to get? -Ah…

[Johnny] Toni, you're responsible for Charly.

And I'm very worried for you.

I'm worried that you might lose him forever if you keep this up.

[Nancy] Yep.

Your father is right.

[exhales excitedly]

[Johnny] Thanks.

So, now explain yourself.

Why did you steal your mother's golden Trabi, Toni?

[all] What?

Okay.

But don't get mad, all right?

I went to Rick Schmandtke.

Are you serious?

The President of the Supreme Court, Rick Schmandtke?

-That is so typical of you! -For sure.

What? No. Renowned star producer, Rick Schmandtke.

-Rick Schmandtke? -Oh. And?

I gave him Mom's golden Trabi in exchange for a hit.

-[gasps] -[twins] You did what?

[laughing] You saw Rick fucking Schmandtke and made a hit with him, bro?

-Yeah, man! -[laughing]

Ay. Ay, we gotta listen to this goddamn hit, dude.

No, no, no, no, no. Th-This intervention is a rap-free zone, so… End of story.

Now listen up, Carrera!

[tense music playing]

My best friend pulled it off. We're listening to his goddamn hit.

[stammering] Okay.

[Tupac] Toni's hit.

It was the first time anyone would hear it.

[song starts]

♪ Yeah, I'm cuckoo Don't know how to act ♪

[Tupac] And Toni was nervous.

His family was upset.

Or pissed, rather.

[song continues]

But suddenly…

♪ I'm so fly ♪

♪ I'm so nice ♪

[Tupac] The song was so good they couldn't help but dance.

-Kawaaa! -♪ Wild and free, taking flight ♪

♪ Buzzard's come To take you to new heights ♪

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

♪ I'm so fly, I'm so nice ♪

-Kawaaa! -♪ Buzzard, buzzard, this is my… ♪

[Tupac] They went totally nuts.

See? It was worth it, right?

[Tupac] Even Johnny could barely keep it together

as the fiery beat got to his hips.

No. Everyone, stop. Cut it out.

Stop, you guys! I have to stop the song

before it… does more damage.

[song stops]

[all panting]

[chittering]

Did you seriously think it was okay

to sell your mother's most important family heirloom

for some stupid song?

Johnny, this isn't just some song.

This is the hit I've needed and this is my moment.

But obviously, none of you get it because you've never taken what I do seriously.

You've never taken me seriously.

But I've pulled it off. I've made it. I finally made it.

So why can't you guys just be proud of me for once?

Teddy Bear, how did I screw up so badly raising you?

-[groans] Come on… -Shame on you.

Now, sit. The intervention's not over.

[Toni groans]

Tick. Tock. Tick.

So, Rico the talking pony will gallop around the room,

and we'll each share how we feel.

Who wants to start?

[man, echoing] Me!

[wind blowing]

[eerie creaking and echoing]

[horror film note plays]

Sorry, who is this?

Twenty-four long years ago,

I gave you cash in hand to paint a fence for me,

and you did not paint it.

You did nothing.

How much money was it, now?

Twenty marks.

Here's a ten.

Yeah, good. But I'll tell you one thing.

Cash… can't mend the wounds inside my soul.

-[horror note plays] -[Kaia exclaims fearfully]

So that's that. Um…

Karo, honey, would you like to say something to your brother?

It's been eight years since we spoke.

-Really? -And I'm not going to start now.

Why not, Miss Fleischer?

He ruined my wedding.

-Which one? -[Johnny gasps]

What the hell do you mean which one?

8 YEARS EARLIER

[man] Okay, wedding video. Karo and Tenzin.

-[plucking lute] -Camera's rolling.

Let's see those smiles.

Come on, smile!

Why isn't there any music?

-[man] It's kinda quiet, yeah. -He promised.

-Figures. -[lute plinking]

I could sing something if--

Sit down, [bleep], or I'll kill you.

Just an idea.

-[man] Where's Toni? -Pedro, turn the camera off now.

-[Pedro] In a sec, in a sec. -[Nancy] Oh… Oh!

-[Wera] Here. Here. -[Nancy breathing]

[Pedro] Oh, the baby's coming.

-[Wera] That's it, breathe. -[Pedro] Keep calm.

-We need a doctor! -[camera clicking]

-[Pedro] Now for… photos. -[Wera] Breathe, dammit.

[thuds]

[Karo] Turn the fucking camera off now!

[Pedro] One sec.

For once in my life, I asked you for something.

You just had to handle the music.

I was a couple of minutes late.

We sat at my wedding without music for five hours!

It was supposed to be the best day of my life, and you ruined it.

That was your fourth wedding.

And the second nicest.

You got married three times after that.

Yeah, so what about it?

Maybe you just have terrible taste in partners.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I mean… sorry, guys,

but picking partners isn't exactly a strength in our family.

-[all gasping] -What do you mean by that?

Nancy, Jörg is…

Is what?

A wet rag.

No, he's not.

Look at him, will ya?

[intriguing music playing]

-Hm. -Hm.

See what I mean?

Has anyone seen my glasses?

[Karo] You screwed up.

You left me high and dry at my wedding without music.

-You're making this my fault? -Look, Karo.

-I'm Kaia. -Uh, what? Really? Shit.

-Sorry, I-- -Uh, she's Karo. I'm Kaia.

Huh?

You don't even know which of us is which?

-Clearly he doesn't. -The two of them are so different.

For sure.

-Totally. -For sure.

I always wear my hair up, and my sister's is down.

Yeah, except today.

You can't even tell your own sisters apart, for God's sake.

Freaking hell is wrong with you?

Why are you nagging me about all these stupid little things today of all days?

Okay, Teddy Bear, they're not stupid little things.

You insulted your sisters.

-I mean, Rico the talking pony… -He even insulted me.

[all clamoring and talking over each other]

[Tupac] And while everyone was shouting at him,

Toni remembered Rick's words.

-[Rick] They'll be jealous of you… -[neck cracking]

…of the soaring buzzard wings of your creativity.

And your family will try to drag you down.

Kawaaa!

Kawaaa!

Kawaaa!

Stop!

Jesus.

It's exactly like Rick said, isn't it?

You don't want me to succeed.

You secretly got together to drag me down.

What? No, my son, that's not what's happening here.

I pulled it off, I made it. I finally did it.

And it's exactly like it's always been.

You don't care who I am or what I want to achieve.

You just wanna drag me down.

You have nothing better to do than annoy me with your stories,

and I've had enough.

Toni, during my many years in dental school,

-I've learned something that I-- -I don't have time for this guilt trip.

Let me speed things up here.

Okay, you have a problem with me because I don't floss or whatever.

You monster.

You blame me for all your failed relationships.

Not her.

Whatever.

You, um… I don't even know who you are.

I'm Doris.

-Good luck with your baby, Doris. -Thank you!

You've got nothing else, that's why you're clinging to me.

[whimpers]

You peaked in high school and never grew up.

Ow.

And you, you're just jealous.

Jealous? Of what?

Because I'm a buzzard.

-What exactly is a buzzard? -Kinda like an eagle.

Why not just say eagle?

Because it's cooler, Doris!

I'm a buzzard.

And you're a ladybug.

You follow orders and do what you're told.

But I stand up for things I care about.

Sure, I don't always play by the rules,

but at least I am doing something with myself.

[melancholy music playing]

That's what you think of us?

That we're not doing anything with our lives?

You know what I mean.

I don't, actually.

What, you think you're better than us?

That we're all just freakin' hilljacks?

Pretty much.

[scoffs]

What? I mean,

maybe you're happy in a shitty place like this.

I'm not.

I'm done with it all.

[Charly] What about me?

Hey.

Are you feeling better?

Are you also done with me?

No, of course not.

That's kinda what you said.

Did you hear my song? It's really good.

I don't care how good your stupid song is.

I don't need some rapper in my life.

What I really need is a dad.

You don't get it.

[Tupac] Of course Toni got it. He wasn't stupid.

But he was a rapper. With a dream.

[Johnny] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Tupac] And Charly had never been part of that dream.

The intervention's complete.

[chittering]

[chittering]

SENTIMENTAL GOODBYE SONGS

[sentimental music playing]

[Tupac] "This is my right-place-at-the-right-time moment,"

Toni thought to himself.

"I've been working toward this for 18 years."

"I have to go to Berlin now."

[engine starts]

"I'll get my career moving,

and then I'll come back and sort things out with Charly."

"He'll still be here later. But my shot won't."

[Nancy] Do you think so too?

That I just play by the rules and do what I'm told?

You're as trustworthy as a ceramic filling.

That's what matters, sweetie.

JUNKYARD 4 KM

[quacks]

What's there to talk about?

[sentimental music continues]

[Tupac] "It was just like back then," he thought.

"Whatever. I'll come back as a star."

"But this time for real. And nothing will stop me."

NOOOO!!!

[crunching]

-[Tupac chirps] -What?

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL

[Tupac] But Toni's determined departure left its mark.

(CHILD WHINES)

DAD…?!

[Tupac] Nancy was deeply hurt by Toni's words.

"I'm not some ladybug that just does what it's told," she thought.

"I can listen to my heart too."

[mysterious funk music playing]

[high-pitched squeaking]

-[music stops] -[dot-matrix printer printing]

[gasping]

-[Tupac] Nancy immediately thought… -[Nancy gasps again]

"The mayor has to hear about this."

And deep down, she was hoping to get a nice dose of Ferres' love and praise

for her huge discovery.

What a wonderful birthday.

My birthday's in June.

My birthday.

Oh, damn it.

Miss Mayor, excuse me.

May I have a moment of your very valuable time?

You have one minute.

[exhales]

I followed my heart today, Mayor.

Why would you do something like that?

[Sergej chuckles] Hm.

I examined this substance with the Addiction Master 3000.

-[tense music playing] -What?

I have reason to believe it's a new kind of addictive substance

produced right here in Schitten.

I believe I said no investigations.

Yeah, but I can't just sit and watch

as our wonderful Schitten turns into a filthy hellhole like Berlin, right?

Well, you're fired.

What?

[shouting] I said you're fired! Get out of my sight!

[exhales]

Mm.

Yes, ma'am.

[sentimental music playing]

[metallic rattling]

[music stops]

I'll give you the real ones tomorrow.

[sighs]

It has been an honor to serve you.

Oh, and I got this for your birthday, Sergej.

Oh.

[uplifting music playing]

[Tupac] Cutie Heart headquarters.

The heart of the German rap business.

For half his life, Toni had dreamed of walking in here with a hit in his hands.

[girl] ♪ Ave Maria ♪

[countertenor joins in harmony] ♪ Gratia plena ♪

Good luck with the audition.

[in low voice] Thank you, bro.

[Tupac] The moment of truth had come.

[song starts]

♪ Higher, higher, higher ♪

♪ We want to lift you higher ♪

-Kawaaa! -♪ Higher, higher, higher ♪

♪ We want to lift you higher ♪

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

♪ I'm so fly, I'm so nice ♪

Kawaaa!

♪ Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice ♪

-Kawaaa! -♪ Wild and free, taking flight ♪

♪ Buzzard's come To take you to new heights ♪

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

♪ I'm so fly, I'm so nice ♪

[music stops]

[exhales]

[Dalia] Toni…

Bringing you in was a gamble.

Dalia… [stammers] I can always go back to Rick.

I-I-I'll just drive over to his place, and…

This isn't a hit.

What? What? No, no, no, no, no, wait--

This thing, this very song we just heard…

[breathing rapidly]

it's a super hit!

What?

It's exactly what we wanted to hear.

Huh?

I was just messing with you, man.

The song is perfect!

[both laughing]

[thuds]

[Dalia] Toni?

[psychedelic music playing]

[Toni] ♪ Don't talk to me I ain't got no time ♪

♪ Runnin' through the hood With an oat flat white ♪

♪ Swag! ♪

♪ Another block headed For gentrification ♪

♪ New housing, glossy windows Glorification ♪

♪ Until their walls get sprayed With graffiti-fication ♪

♪ On their front porch Is where I left defecation ♪

♪ Going in circles, no control Where did the remote go? ♪

♪ Where? Where? Where? ♪

♪ Roadblock can't change The deepest, darkest channels in my mind ♪

♪ There ain't no way ♪

-♪ A sign of the times ♪ -♪ Times are changing ♪

♪ Combined to design the divine ♪

♪ An assignment Through everyday grindin' ♪

♪ I climb on a rugged incline ♪

♪ Stream your spine ♪

♪ To find a place In the shadows to shine ♪

♪ Tryin' to make it down these roads ♪

♪ At a stop We're at a stop ♪

-♪ Policeman says, "Stop"♪ -♪ Stop ♪

-♪ But I won't stop ♪ -♪ Stop ♪

♪ Stop ♪

-♪ Gotta make it work ♪ -♪ Stop ♪

♪ I'm just out here Tryin' to make it work ♪

♪ Nonstop ♪

♪ It's gridlock ♪

♪ Crazy gridlock ♪

♪ Traffic jam ♪

[song ends]

[quirky music playing]

[music ends]