Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Urgh!

Oh...

Whoo!

SHE SCREAMS

ROBOTIC CHATTERING

I mean, you're useless at this.

SCREAMING

SHE TRUMPETS

Eurgh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome to Taskmaster,

a bluebell of light entertainment popping up in a forest

of Married At First Sight Australia horse dung.

Let us begi-...

Let us begin the next round of the competition

and meet our mighty competitors once more.

Please welcome Andy Zaltzman... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,

a man who drunkenly confided in me

that whenever the presenter Fiona Bruce comes on the television

he can't help but rub himself against the arm of his sofa.

It's Little Alex Horne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've got an idea.

WHISPERING: What is it?

It's a money making plan for me and you. Ooh.

Yeah, so I've been watching a lot of motor racing,

and, uh, they look cool, don't they, the guys,

the motor racing guys?

You know why they look cool? No.

Cause they've got...they've got adverts all over their clothing.

So I'm releasing little areas of of my coat.

£15, £15 to advertise there.

On the back... Oh...

£20.

Yeah? Yeah.

It works,

people have already taken out advertising.

Power Milk and Outdoor Crisps support in!

That's my idea Greg. Are you in?

I'm not in, no.

Let's start the show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The prize category this week is

the thing that most makes Greg scratch his chin.

SING-SONGY: Be-ard!

Yes, what a strong chin it is

to be scratched by such a mighty bear paw

on the end of such a funny, hairless arm.

The legs are also hairless.

Call me.

Five points for the thing that causes the most chin scratching

and then five fairly useless prizes for the winner of the episode.

Take it away, Greg.

Who is first today?

Baba.

Oh, no!

Why are you saying that?

I really tried to get something to make you scratch your chin

but in a way which you're, like, confused,

so that's why I chose

a paper plate.

Yes, he did. Here is Baba's paper plate.

Are you gonna explain the paper plate?

No.

EMMA GASPS Yes!

Got him! ANDY: He scratched his chin! JACK: Very good.

Good. Andy.

I got you some, uh, some aftershave.

It's made out of mosquitoes, is it?

It's made out of mosquito bite.

So it's actually the saliva of the mosquito that,

that creates the allergic reaction.

So I'm going to get a lovely old big red chin with that, aren't I?

Yeah, yeah. ALEX: Have a look at the other side.

Look who uses it.

The absolute highlight for me is,

"Now I scratch my chin like a real man."

Very good. Uh, hello, Jack.

Hello.

Um, I've brought in a book and it's called the, uh,

The Colin Phillips Book Of Information.

OK. Take a look at the book. OK.

ALEX: It is a genuine book from Jack.

Oh...

Do you know why the screwdriver is in there?

Uh, to try and escape from prison?

No, no, no. No.

See, metaphorically, you're already scratching your chin,

even though you haven't done it dramatically.

No. Cause you...you're puzzled now.

But in the introduction, he explains how he is very loosely related to

the man who developed the Phillips-head screwdriver,

and that was a promotional version of the book

which he thought would launch it...

Uh, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Little bit. Little bit.

Thanks, Jack. Little mid-range scratch.

Emma.

So...

..I brought in...

..fake chin acne.

AUDIENCE GROANS

They look like you've knocked into a tray of canapes.

You ever had spots on your chin?

Yeah, back in the '80s.

And what would you do to kind of get rid of them?

I used to love squeezing spots.

Yeah. Yeah. Go on, what did it look like?

If it was on my nose, I'd probably give it that,

but even if it was on my chin, I'd probably give it that.

Ah, you...!

That to me that is a tiny scratch... One squeeze and off.

Argh! Great. Fine. Thanks, Emma.

Rosie. Hello!

Hello, there!

I have brought a genuine question for you.

OK. And I really want you to think about it,

so I made it into a scroll.

Yes, here we go. Lovely.

Would you rather make sweet love to my body...

..but with Alex's head...

..or Alex's body with my head?

APPLAUSE

So... He's gone!

That is brilliant.

Answer me.

She said, "Answer me." Hmm.

I want to know too, Rosie. You want to know, do you?

OK...

I would make sweet love...

..to Alex's body. Ooh!

Hello! Because...

..because I think the humiliation that he will suffer

for the rest of his life... Yeah?

..will delight me. Yeah.

And I quite enjoy chatting to you,

whereas I despise him.

OK, Greg. Let's give some points out.

We all know who... Sidi. Pimple's getting one.

Yes. One to you, Emma. OK.

Absolutely rubbish.

Baba and Jack take three.

Joint third, got it.

Uh, technically because it doesn't exist,

but it's very imaginative, you get four points.

This dilemma is awful.

Five points to Rosie Jones, four points to Andy Zaltzman.

There you go. Well done, Rosie Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Task time.

Well, well, well. Yes, it's time for a task, sure,

but also time for an eye test. Hmm.

Baba!

What's this?

And that's the first time the helmet's come in use.

Yeah.

Ah, yeah. I know what this is.

HE CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY

WINCING: Mm-m!

That's to wedge your head into.

Oh, I like this.

Comfy, isn't it?

Can I have it? No.

Please? No.

But...

No.

Gah!

"Put on the special glasses.

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

These?

No, they're not glasses.

I hate opticians,

because you can never tell if the eye chart is actually in focus,

or whether it's just a big scam.

APPLAUSE

Rosie's immediate reaction is,

"I love this chair and I want to take it home,"

and Jack posits the theory that all opticians

are part of an international scam.

Could be! It could be! It could be.

OK, well, first up,

zut alors, it's Emma and Baba. GREG WHISTLES

Are these the special glasses, yeah?

They must be, bruv.

But no - these ain't the special glasses.

Where are the special glasses at?

"Tiar, tiar...

"Tiar tropwo lebhsi deseehc."

Pardon? I don't understand it either.

"Ch..." Oh, cheesed!

I'm not able to work with that.

All right.

Where are these special glasses?

Cheesed.

See if there's anything in here.

Oh!

Oh-o...

That was bad of me. Sorry.

Oh, for goodness sake.

I don't want to open any more.

Urgh.

I was really hoping that was gonna be like a sort of

Temple of Doom moment where, you know...

"Broaow!" ..or something,

but it's not done anything there.

No, different budgets.

I don't know how to speak... What's this, French?

I can't speak French.

Cheese. There's the cheese...

I'm actually against the clock.

There's a cheese dome, and I'm just going to look in there very quick.

SHE SIGHS AND GIGGLES

Yeah, brilliant. All right, well, that took a minute.

PRONOUNCING VERY PHONETICALLY:

We're screwed, bro.

IN FLUENT FRENCH:

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Oh, my God.

So, I did French at uni.

What did you get? 2:1.

Tell you what you get if you get a first -

the vocabulary of "socle".

I don't know what that means.

You must look in the inside of a...

..socle. That is such an incredible shame.

Socle...

I'm about to call Eddie Kadi.

He's Congolese but he speaks French.

I might just have to quickly use WordReference.

Can you hear me?

ON PHONE: I can hear you.

Try and translate this for me, please.

Uh, "Vos devez a..."

Nah, man. What?

Don't do that. Speak properly... Bro, I don't know French!

I've consented to the cookies.

But you haven't allowed all the cookies, have you?

I'm under a lot of stress. I've allowed them all.

Oh, my God.

All right, I've sent it to you, bro.

CACOPHANY OVER PHONE

What is going on?

Baba, Baba, one second, one second, one second. Yeah?

Basically, you should look at the inside of the base.

The inside of the base?

"Base"!

Yeah, pede-... Pedestal! Pedestal.

So insane.

Bang!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

You increasingly make really strange noises.

I know.

Have we got a couple of the noises that came out during that attempt?

I always isolate the noises. Here they are.

Mm-m!

Oh-o...

"Broaow!"

But we knew what she meant.

I know what she means. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm going to start using, "Braoaw."

But the point is, they both found the special glasses!

They did. Who shall we see next?

Andy and Rosie? "Yes, I think so, Alex,

"and great job on all the admin, etc."

Here we go.

It feels like there should be a clue in there somewhere.

No, it's some strange tongue.

Are these the special glasses?

Is...is this enough?

Oh, that's not very special. Oh. Sorry. Right.

OK.

Is that...? That feels like it might come off.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I don't understand.

Special glasses. Special glasses.

I feel I'm missing one of your clues again.

Why was that here?

Is there anything behind the...? There's nothing.

That comes off.

And you know I'm strong,

so if I break this, that's on you.

I'm missing something here, Alex.

The glasses. OK, yeah, other than the glasses!

Right.

Come on.

OK, I mean, that was kind of obvious, wasn't it?

Are these special? I don't know.

Depends on your attitude to flamingos.

I've stopped the clock. They're special.

I mean, it was right there.

I could've got that within seconds.

Yeah, baby!

Oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh!

Yeah!

I just think that two grown adults being told to look for some magic glasses

and it being both their instincts to go,

"Are these the magic glasses?"

Sort of smacks of some sort of unravelling of some kind.

Andy looked at the optician's board for quite a while,

but he was just reading it forwards over and over again.

Ironically, I'm...

I'm Jewish, and the Hebrew text is written right to left,

but, equally unfortunately, I'm a very, very lapsed Jew. Um...

I didn't think to read right to left.

How did they do? Give me some scores.

Both of them were quicker than...

In French.

Les deux...

Le Zaltzman. Oui, ah, Zaltzman et Jones...

Oui. Vites...

Plus vites que les autres.

Oh.

Je ne sais pas! Oui!

Part One is complete.

Here's the fuckin' adverts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to the show.

It's Part Two,

and our cast have been busy looking for some special glasses.

So busy, Greg.

I mean, so busy!

We've had four successes so far,

and the answer is right under their noses.

And talking of noses,

finally, here's a man with a really lovely one.

It's Jack Dee.

Is there anything...?

That's not...

Oh.

I need to look round the house, I think,

if it's not these ones.

Unless they've been hidden in here, and that would be...

You went...

I didn't meant to. I didn't mean to do that.

Oh, OK. But I did do that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Um...

I mean, this is special.

I'm slightly surprised.

Why? But I don't think I can deny that those are special glasses.

I think... Thank you!

Thank you. APPLAUSE

Oh, come on.

It was quite exciting when you put your hand near the special glasses

and then you just wandered off

and came back in with any old glasses.

It's just a shame we didn't nail what special glasses were.

It wasn't defined.

What was the task?

Well, it was to put on the special glasses.

And isn't the elephant in the room here that they're goggles?

Shall I tell you the times?

Tell me the times.

Well, Baba was the slowest in 13:20,

Emma 9:40,

Rosie and Andy, only 30 seconds between them,

Rosie 5:24, Andy 4:53.

ALL: Oh...

Jack the quickest, 4:23!

Well, then, come on.

But...but he must be punished.

He must be punished for not finding the special glasses.

We're giving him a sympathy point. Ah.

So, the winner is Andy Zaltzman on this occasion.

OK, so it's one to Jack, two to Baba,

three to Emma, four to Rosie,

five to Andy Zaltzman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In this episode, two leaders at the top.

It's Andy and Rosie on nine points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next - well, this one really is a great big barrel of laughs.

BLASTS OF WHISTLE

SIGHING: Oh, God.

Hey, Rosie.

ROSIE: Hiya.

Hello.

Hello, Emma. Hi.

Couple of questions for you before we start. OK.

How far do you think you've just walked?

That's probably 40 metres.

Yeah, 40 yards, 40 metres. 50 yards.

A few yards?

25 metres.

43...

..yards.

Briefly how are you in yourself?

Well. Good.

I'm great, bro.

Yeah, I have my good days, have my bad days.

Six.

Six? Yeah.

Did you sleep well last night?

Um, eight.

Ten hours.

No, I have a four month old.

I wore socks.

Middle of the night, I had to take them off,

so that disrupted it a tiny bit.

Knowing I was coming to a theme park,

I had a precautionary crap.

Did you have any peculiar dreams?

I mean, is running a 100-metre final on a...

I was riding a pig. Is that peculiar?

Can't remember my dreams, man.

I don't dream.

Uh, yeah, I think some admin stuff.

OK, so shall I open this? Yes, you should now.

All right.

"Be at the highest number barrel when Alex blows his whistle again."

You're at number one currently. Number two is to your right.

Oh, right. OK.

"You may only move to the next barrel

"when you have completed the challenge at the previous barrel."

"If you fail a barrel challenge twice in a row,

"you must move back to the first barrel."

I'm gonna fail this, bro.

"If you are at an even-number barrel at the end of the barrel task,

"you are disqualified." That seems harsh, Alex.

Um, "You have as long as it took you to walk to this barrel

"and read up to this line."

Three minutes and four seconds. OK.

I went really quick!

You ran, yes. Yes.

You've got two-and-a-half a minutes.

You've got four minutes and ten seconds to play with here.

Wish my dream had been longer. I could've told you more about it.

That's 2:42 you've got.

I didn't know that, though!

You guys didn't tell me, "Yo, slow down."

You've got six minutes and eight seconds.

This is where the palsy comes in handy.

Yes!

"Your time started when you said the word barrel for the ninth time."

We're off.

APPLAUSE

You never dream? I never dream,

because I'm already living the dream.

HE RETCHES

Emma, you, uh, dream about admin,

and you had to take your socks off in the middle of the night.

Um, when women...

Hang on a minute.

OK. Women are much likelier

to orgasm if their feet are kept warm.

What?

This is new territory.

I don't... I know! People don't talk about...

I don't know what the hell's going on.

I don't need to go into it, do I?

But that's it. Sorry, you're serious?

Women are more likely to orgasm if they're wearing socks?

No.

If their feet are cold, they're less likely to orgasm.

And you took them off?

OK. Let's see some stuff.

Right we're going to double-barrel to begin with.

It's Baba and Rosie.

"Throw an odd number with this dice."

Brap! Come on.

Uh...

Number five.

Yes!

"Answer Alex's question correctly."

True or false, Baba...

True or false,

humans have the same number of neck bones as giraffes?

False. False.

It's true. What?

True or false, all the electricity powering the Internet

weighs the same as a school bus?

No. False.

Correct, you can move on. Brap!

True.

It's false. Back to the dice, please.

Oh, God!

Three. You can move on.

Pick any single red playing card.

I'll pick the first one. OK.

Correct. Bow! Come on! Let's go.

One in every 15 people has a third nipple.

True. False.

True or false, Wayne Rooney's middle name is Paul?

False. It is false. It's Mark.

Yes!

That one.

OK. No.

Back we go.

Oh, shit!

"Predict which hand Alex's whistle is in?"

Your right hand.

You have one more go.

Your left hand.

Correct. Come on, let's go!

"Select an even-numbered bingo ball."

OK.

Yeah? Maybe a bit slower.

Bro, you're wasting my time.

There's one. What number, is it?

55.

Right, try again.

29. Right, back to barrel number one.

Oh, what? You've got one minute and one second left. Oh, man.

Three.

Boom. One. Let's go.

One in every 15 people have a third nipple.

That's false. Correct. Come on.

True or false the high-five was invented in 1977?

False. True.

True or false... True or false...

True or false, the dialling code for Greece is +31?

ECHOING: ..humans glow in the dark? ..lobsters are biologically immortal?

True. BUZZER

False. No, it's true. BUZZER

True. False. BUZZER

True or false, pineapples take two years to grow?

True.

Correct.

I'll pick this one.

Come on. Byup!

That one. Correct.

Come on! 20 seconds left.

That one.

Shyeah!

Which hand is my whistle in?

That one.

No. Which hand's my whistle in?

That one.

Correct. Yes!

Come out.

This thing is rigged! WHISTLE

That's your time up.

You are on a barrel number five.

Come on, bro!

You've got a minute and 30 seconds.

Um, yeah, I reckon I'm happy.

OK. I'll stop there. Yeah.

You got to barrel number five. WHISTLE

More than halfway! I'm happy with that.

APPLAUSE

Thing was rigged.

It was rigged?

It was racist.

ROSIE: I was so shit at that.

No, don't talk yourself down just because you, a grown woman,

think that lobsters can live forever.

But I want lobsters to live forever.

Yeah, that's not how it works, Rosie.

They both got the same score.

Both got the same score of five barrels.

It seems like a reasonably strong start. Yes. Who's next?

Well, she ran to the barrels and spoke very quickly,

reducing the time she had quite dramatically,

so good luck to Emma Sidi.

Oh! You've got two and-a-half minutes.

"Throw an odd number with this dice." Cool.

You've done it. "Answer Alex's question correctly." Go on.

Hello, Emma.

Tr-... Quick. True or false.. Yeah?

Humans have the same number of neck bones as giraffes.

Uh, false.

It's true. BUZZER

No, I can ask you a second one.

True or false, all the electricity powering the Internet

weighs the same as a school bus?

True. It's false. It's the same as a plum.

Go on. Back we go. You've got two wrong.

BUZZER

DING

Hello, Emma. Yep.

True or false, one in every 15 people has a third nipple?

False. It is false. One in 80.

"Pick a single red playing card." Right.

DING

OK.

"Predict which hand Alex's whistle is in." Your right.

Well, I'm not, uh...

Your right. Hello, Emma.

Uh, yes it is.

Good. "Select an even numbered bingo ball."

I can't! Oh, just... How do these work?

Uh, just turn the handle.

18.

Right, OK.

"Eat a chocolate-covered coffee bean."

BUZZER

Oh, I know which...

That was coffee, that was coffee! Yes.

"Toss a head."

BUZZER

Oh, now you must go back to one, you did it twice wrong.

How many...? Where do I have to go?

Back to the beginning. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Hello, Emma. Yeah, quick.

You've got 45 seconds. I don't care.

True or false, Wayne... Sorry.

..Wayne Rooney's middle name is Paul?

Uh, true. No, it's Mark.

I can ask you another one. Go.

True or false... Yeah.

..the high-five was invented in 1977?

False. No, it's true. Back to the dice.

That's not true!

Go on. Wait.

True or false, J was the last letter added to the alphabet?

True.

It is true.

There you go. Right, OK.

Uh, right!

Uh...

Right. No, not right.

Where now? Well, I'll do it again if you want.

OK. Right! No, it's still not right.

Where now? Back to one. You've got ten seconds.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Go on.

True or false, lobsters are biologically immortal?

True.

No, it's false. They die.

Australia is wider than the moon. You've got two seconds.

True, true, true, true! It is true.

WHISTLE

I'm at three.

Just.

I am at three, though.

OK.

APPLAUSE

Fascinating that Emma was patently shit at that task,

but had the demeanour of someone who was excellent...

..throughout, and was speaking to you as if

you were getting in the way of her genius.

"Come on. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hm."

I think I was in a playful mood...

Is that playful?

I would've sworn the socks were off up there.

That's the end of Part Two.

Time for a break and a chance to look at that fitness watch that you've been wearing.

Let me guess, time to stand?

Put the cheese puffs down, your children need you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where our speedy comedians are in a theme park surrounded by barrels.

Yes, Greg.

At last, the fast cast were asked to do a cast task in a vast park.

Two manly guys left to go.

That's right, it's Geoff Capes and Monty Don.

Not really! It's Jack Dee and Andy Zee.

Throw an odd number with this dice.

1.

Yeah. Welcome to barrel number two. True or false -

humans have the same number of neck bones as giraffes?

True. Correct.

Could be a stacked deck where they're all...? That's black.

OK.

That's black again. Back to the beginning now, Jack.

OK.

Predict which hand my whistle is in.

Left. This one? Yeah.

Correct. Right.

Correct. Yes. Yes, we move on.

88.

We move on.

Oh. Two.

Oh, that's an even number.

Oh, it is, yeah, yeah.

Eat a chocolate covered coffee bean.

Yeah, that's a coffee bean.

I got it right first time. That was lucky.

Do you promise, Jack?

It was a lie.

Toss a head - as in with the coin?

Yes, please.

It's head.

Right, that count as enough?

Yes. Pull a lemon out from this, from this box.

Is there a lemon in the box?

Gonna find out.

Congratulations, you have reached the ninth barrel.

You have done really well, good stuff. Stop the clock.

Yeah, that was coffee. That sounded more coffee.

Yeah. OK. You've got 20 seconds left.

Toss a head.

OK.

I mean... You've got two seconds.

Congratulations, you have reached the ninth barrel.

You have done really well, good stuff.

APPLAUSE

I think Alex is extra sweet with Jack.

No, no, I think he's a little bit nervous.

I'm not sweet with Jack. Couldn't give a shit.

You've changed.

Yes, so both of them did very well.

I mean, looking at Jack you wouldn't know he'd nailed the task,

but congratulations, Jack.

Oh, why don't you just kiss him?

All five contestants ended on odd number barrels so well done.

Tick. Tick. Emma, you came last though so one point to you.

Rosie and Baba both managed to barrel five

so you come joint third with three points.

Andy and Jack both got to barrel nine so both get five points each.

APPLAUSE

Let's have another one.

OK, uh, this one involves just three simple requests.

Yo, yo, yo.

Hello.

You really don't look much different.

What do you mean by that?

Can I pretend there's a desk?

Course you can.

There's a task. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It looks like it's floating. It's floating.

OK. Label a part of your body.

Make a surprising noise.

And do something interesting with your legs.

You have one minute.

Your time starts now.

I just greased my hands. There we go.

Why did you grease your hands?

Uh, well, because my hands were dry.

My head. Arm.

My upper nose area.

Gemma.

I'm gonna put that on the elbow, I think.

What, what, what does it say? I saw the words "of truth."

Nexus.

Surprising noise.

HE GROANS

Woof-miaow.

OH!

Cra!

Then do something interesting with your legs.

Still got 40 seconds. Ooh.

So they're sort of perpendicular and crossed.

OK, yeah.

Just doing something with my legs.

That's lovely. Yeah.

Right.

That's your time up, Rosie.

Right. Still got ten seconds.

Oh, a shake at the end.

Really quite low. Hmm. Oof.

OK, thank you.

So how does that work, then?

Is that a sort of subjective judgment?

Points wise? Yeah.

Well, it depends what you, what you do now.

Oh.

Do these three things again.

And again. And again.

In that same order.

Ah, blood man, what the hell?

The most sequences completed within ten minutes.

Ten minutes? Hmm.

Wins. Oh, my word.

Well, I think we're both regretting what's just happened.

You tricked them into doing something that will be difficult

to replicate over and over again,

particularly when it involves the nexus of truth.

The nexus of truth.

Yeah. It is now in urbandictionary.com. We've added it.

Yes. It wasn't there before.

It's nice to leave a legacy for future generations.

That's lovely.

OK, well, with a woof-miaow and an oof, it's Andy and Rosie.

Here we go. Was it upper nose area? It's quite a long phrase, isn't it?

Ah. I wish I'd chosen a shorter phrase

but, you know, a nickname's a nickname.

Right. Ah.

Woof-miaow.

OH!

Lovely. Yeah. Right, come on, up you get, up you get.

I haven't got time. You'll have to be a bit quicker.

Sorry about this. This is not the way we wanted our careers to go.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Again. Quick.

Please.

OH!

Assume the position.

Yeah.

Is this legal? Not everywhere. OK.

Hi, Rosie. Upper nose. Oh.

Oh, that's slowed it down. Fuck.

That's on. Woof-miaow.

No. You're getting this all wrong. Ready for the noise.

OH!

Yeah. Have I done like 100? Yeah, if we round it up.

Woof-miaow.

18. 18? One more? Let's, let's go for it, Alex.

Come on, come on, up. Five seconds.

Right, I don't think I'm gonna get it on.

APPLAUSE

Well, powerfully homoerotic, I'm sure we can all agree.

Pleased with that, Jones? Uh, I couldn't write it

cos of the palsy!

But he, he pulled his weight.

We worked together, didn't we?

Yeah. Yeah. In fact, all three of us tried our best there

and not a bad total in, in ten minutes,

16 complete cycles for Rosie, 19 in the end for Andy.

So that's the bar set pretty high.

APPLAUSE

Next up to repeat their three things it's Baba and Ja-ba. Here we go.

Hi, Jack.

Hi, how you doing? Yeah, not bad. Thanks.

My head.

Uh, there you are.

Hi, Alex, you all right? Yeah.

Hand. Hand, right. And then, uh...

Did the noise.

And then the thing. Thing. Correct, yes.

Come on. Again. Oh, no, I've gotta shake hands with you, bro.

Baba. Man like come on. Done one. All right.

All right, you've done it once in one minute.

Ah. OK.

Here we go. Hmm.

OK, hello, Jack.

Hi, hiya. Hmm. I need to focus.

Yeah.

Oh, I put legs. It should be leg.

I'll write another one.

OK.

Hi.

Afternoon. Jack.

Right.

Hi. Hello, Jack.

Bro, I don't know too many other parts of my body.

Hand, head, uh...

Pleased with the noise you chose?

You know, it's not too demanding.

It's fairly easy to re, to, you know, reproduce.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, there. Oh, there we go. My nose.

Yeah. My ear.

Ear, right.

It's all coming back to me, bruv,

the biology. You know what I'm saying. Forehead.

Yeah.

Oi. Science teacher would be proud.

Yes. Couple more, do you think?

Easy.

Come on.

I'm not gonna lie, this is a lot, bro.

It does seem like a lot. I didn't know you had that many body parts.

This is it, we learn something together, my guy.

APPLAUSE

You think your science teacher would be proud?

I can cl... I think what we can, uh,

see from that is I am reaching breaking point.

And Jack has already surpassed that, you know what I'm saying.

Oh, Jack's gone. Well, it's one of those things where you do that

and then you go home and hope that no-one says

what did you do at work today.

I don't, he was focused.

He did one action every five seconds. He got a total of 40.

40! Wow. Smashed it.

Define interesting, in the context of this.

Do something interesting. With your legs. With your legs.

Yeah. Oh, here we go.

Yeah, Krusty the Clown is questioning it.

He's...

He's all irritable, cos he's made his nexus of truth sore.

I mean, I...

Well, I know I'm not sweet for Jack in any way.

But I did find his leg action interesting.

He was sort of kicking back. Ah. I'd never seen him do that before.

Oh, was it interesting?

Time for the last ad break of the show.

Please return for the final part

where in a new low, someone will win a paper plate.

And Channel 4 will once again ask the question,

where are they spending the money?

We'll see you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the final part of this Taskmaster hoedown.

Before the break, things were getting very repetitive.

They had to label a part of the body, make a surprising noise

and do something interesting with their legs.

And then repeat those things as many times as possible,

and what's more, the last person to attempt the task

is dressed as a hot dog.

Double points for Emma on this one. Here we go.

Gemma. Cra!

How long did that go on for?

25 seconds.

Oh, God.

The last five seconds are very low if you remember that.

I don't think this is OK.

Cra!

Then I start going low, I think.

It's actually quite intense on my calves.

Hmm.

Ooh!

Cra! Ooh. Emma.

I'm really worried about people from, uh, school seeing this.

But there's nothing I can do.

That's 25 seconds.

Cra!

Couple more seconds.

Cra!

I am broken, man. Oh, my God.

45 seconds.

Cra!

Oh, my God.

Oh, fucking hell.

APPLAUSE

It was heart-breaking. You looked in agony by the end of it.

Yeah. I was hurting for days.

Oh, really? Yeah.

And who are these people from school you're worried about?

You know, just, uh, just the bitches, really.

And they would've bullied you for dancing like that?

They would've been like, "Oh, you're an Elvis hot dog."

Well, we enjoyed your pain very much, well done.

We enjoyed your pain. Yes,

Emma managed to get through 13 sequences.

Emma came last but her one point is doubled because of the hot dog.

Two points to Emma, two points also to Rosie

and fourth it's three points to Andy with 19.

Four to Baba with 21

but five points obviously to Jack with 40. Wonderful.

APPLAUSE

Quick look at the scores, then.

Yes, this episode is being led by Andy Zaltzman. He's on 17 points.

APPLAUSE

Hey, it's that time again.

Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

Hello, Greg. Hello. Who's gonna read the task?

Baba's gonna read the task.

Say the same word at the same time.

Alex will give you a category.

Taking it in turns, team members must both say one word

that fits the category at the same time.

If both team members say the same word at the same time,

they win the round.

Also you must not say a word that has been said before.

Most in sync team wins.

So it's a team task, Greg. I'm gonna read out a category.

Yeah. And the teams will take it in turns to both say

a word at the same time.

You must not communicate with each other in any way

and your third party will swap in after each round. Mm-hm.

You're not involved while you're on that chair. All right, cool.

First category is fruit.

Three, two, one.

Apple. Ples.

APPLAUSE No.

We all heard Baba say "ples."

Three, two, one.

Bananas. Banana.

There we go. APPLAUSE

It's team two to go first this time. The category is farmyard animals.

Three, two, one.

Cow. Cow.

Wow.

This time you go first. The category is European countries.

Three, two, one.

France. France.

OK. You have the serve, Jack and Rosie.

The category is parts of the body.

Three, two, one.

Hand. Foot.

Finger. Nose.

Tongue. Boobs.

Tongue and boobs, I mean... Tongue and boobs.

I have to go sit down for a bit.

Three, two, one.

Shins. Shoulder.

Shin and shoulder.

Three, two, one.

Liver. Liver.

Yes! Yes.

APPLAUSE

Yes!

Such a strange one to get right as well.

It's boring boys' names.

Three, two, one.

Mark. Alex.

Oh, bollocks. Alex. It was, it was an open goal.

Not Alex or Mark. Ready. Three, two, one.

Colin. Greg.

Back over. Three, two, one.

Mike. Graham.

Brian. Matthew.

Dave. John. Oh.

Wayne. James.

We've got this.

Have we?

Three, two, one.

Where did fucking Gilbert come from?

Can I just say something?

Anything. I've ran out of white names.

Can I tag my friend in? Oh, that's a good idea.

You can tag Emma in. Yeah, tag her in. Great. Let's go.

Three, two, one.

APPLAUSE

So close. Team one.

Three, two, one.

Oh. OK.

Just to clarify this. We're gonna carry on for the rest of time?

What happens is, in this situation, Greg... Yeah.

..they each now have to say a name belonging to someone on the stage

or one of us to win. We'll get a winner this way.

OK. Team one. Three, two, one.

Alex. Alex.

APPLAUSE

Feel the rush.

Let's add those points to the final scores. Come down and join me.

APPLAUSE

Good to see the team of two in sync there.

They won the task. They get three points for winning three rounds. Oh.

Team of two gets two points for winning two rounds.

Which means that Jack and Rosie are now in joint second place

with 17 points,

but the winner of the episode with 19 points, it's Andy Zaltzman.

Zaltzman wins!

Andy Zaltzman wins.

Please go and collect your selection of things

that'll make me scratch my chin!

APPLAUSE