Original subtitles

- [Woman] Hmm.

- Well that was a very long, hmm.

I mean, you know, I didn't even feel a nod,

like a, hmm, isn't that wonderful.

It was more like, Hooperman, get your life in order

and don't start any long books.

- Perfectly normal for someone who's been up for 49 hours.

You're showing signs of acute fatigue,

but most of the readings are well within the curve.

- Well that's good, isn't it?

- Well, it's within the curve.

- Well that's where I wanna be.

I don't wanna be outside any curves, not this kid.

- Now, the next 10 hours of this fatigue test are crucial.

Should this precinct be required to go on extended duty

during an emergency, this would be the time when...

Most people would hit the wall, as they say.

- 10 more hours?

- 10 more hours.

- I thought I was done with this.

I mean, when I volunteered for this project,

the last thing I heard was, extra pay.

- 10 hours isn't actually that long.

- It is when you've been awake for 48 straight.

But hey, I'm not complaining.

- Hey, that's my jacket.

- Oh.

Does this mean I've slipped outside the curve?

- Not necessarily.

- Oh good, thank you.

See ya.

If you need me, just call.

Whoa!

- V\/hat's the matter?

- I think I've just slipped outside the curve

and headed right for the wall.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- I wanna go to sleep.

I can't take any more of this fatigue testing crap.

- I finally figured out who the smart people are

in this precinct.

The ones who did not volunteer for this stupid test.

I never thought I'd be lumping Pritzger

in with the smart people.

- Hooperman?

I want you and Pritzger to take our coffee cup

into interrogation and shake him down.

- I think it's a coffee mug, Captain.

What did our coffee cup over there exactly do?

- Armed robbery.

- Uh, Captain.

How does a coffee cup pull something like that off?

- Well he and a partner were performing on a street corner.

A crowd formed and they robbed the audience.

His partner's still at large.

- What was the partner wearing, a carton of Half and Half?

- Yes.

_ yes?

- Yes.

Pritzger will fill you in on the details.

- Captain, are you sure you want me in on this?

I've been awake since Monday.

- Do you really think that a person dressed as a coffee mug

will say anything significant to Pritzger?

If he talks to anyone, he'll talk to you.

- You better come out of there.

Either we have a face to face pretty soon,

or I'm gonna freshen your cup with a fire hose.

- You don't scare me, ham face.

- Bobo, I don't think the Cossack approach

is gonna work here.

Obviously, this is not your average wild-eyed,

anti-social maniac, this is a man of great imagination.

Truly an artiste.

- Who's that?

- Harry Hooperman, SFPD. (knocking)

- What are you, the good cop in this thing?

- Well Iefsjust say I had a happier childhood

than Officer Pritzger here.

But before we go on, let's clear up one thing.

Are you regular or are you decaf?

- Slam off, Kojak!

This stupid outfit ain't mine.

I wanted something light, aerodynamic.

Something you could make a quick getaway in,

like my old banana suit.

But no, we had to go for the new look.

- Well it's obvious your partner got the better suit.

He's still at large.

You think he did that intentionally?

- I want my lawyer.

- He's on his way, and I'll tell you,

you're gonna be a separate chapter in his autobiography.

Just tell us, where is the Half and Half.

- Why don't you drop dead?

- A man's face and a woman's lips,

and they've been kissing for hours.

Two ovaries and a Fallopian tube voting!

A woman, a man,

another man,

another man and a waterbed

with a really neat headboard.

He looks so lifelike.

- Ham'-

I'm worried about Clarence.

- Bushkin, you're beginning to sound

like the mother on Leave It To Beaver.

- Harry, look at him.

He's asleep.

- Tell brain control, they'll ship him outta here.

- Are you kidding, he's found a way to beat the system!

- Mo, Mo.

Have you got any nail polish?

- Yeah, I think so.

Why?

- Hooperman, I need you.

These two were dating in the back of a bus

when their braces became attached.

Paramedics have been trying to get them apart for an hour.

The only thing to do is to call the parents.

- [Both] No, please don't call our parents!

- Excuse me, I have to go slam my hand in a car door.

- Handle it!

- How we doing? (chuckling)

Stuck there on you, huh pal.

(yelling in pain)

Sorry.

Young people, let's create a force field, all right?

Just feel the power surging through my hands,

through your skulls, your gums,

out through your teeth and into your braces.

Let my children be free!

(clapping)

Hey, all right!

Next show in 10 minutes.

- Good evening.

Beeseley's 24-hour automotive services.

- San Francisco Police Department,

this is Inspector Hooperman.

Uh huh.

What?

A carton of Half and Half.

Oh I see, you don't want

a carton of Half and Half, you are...

Will you hang on forjust one second?

Don't hang up.

Captain?

Captain, it's him, the other one,

the coffee mug's accomplice.

- Talk to him, see what he has to say.

- Hi, I'm back.

Your son?

The coffee mug's your son?

Uh huh.

What?

If we don't release him in an hour you're gonna do what?

Hey! Don't threaten me, you piece of curd!

You're already in enough trouble.

This police department will not be coerced.

We will not be blackmailed.

We will not be...

He hung up on me.

I lost him.

Captain, do you buy that stuff about him taking a hostage

if we don't release his son in an hour?

- I think he's bluffing.

- Maybe, but you never know when Half and Half goes bad.

- You're lucky you're not here for any of this.

- My brain is on Mars.

- I hope my plants at home are doing okay.

- I hear an E sharp ringing in my ears

and my teeth are beginning to buzz.

- One of us is in the wrong bathroom.

- What day is it?

- Tuesday.

Or Friday.

- God, I wanna take off my clothes.

- Yeah, and run naked on a beach,

dive into a vat of coconut oil

and make love to a native tribe.

- You feel it too.

- You mean the hot, throbbing,

overwhelming desire to join my young aching body

with that of another warm-blooded creature?

- I bet I can take my clothes off before you do.

- Let's help each other, it's more fun.

- Okay-

Oh, I love the way your lips pucker,

when your hair is all loose.

- Harry I don't believe this, look at what we're doing.

- I can't seem to get this button!

- This is gonna take forever.

Trust me, I look fabulous naked.

- I trust you.

- Ah.

- Ah!

- Inspector, I have caught men and woman together

in shower stalls, under desks,

in closets, in lockup,

and once on the hood of a moving patrol car.

- You saw me, I was out of control!

I was gonna do things to her no normal person would do!

- Lack of sleep lowers the inhibitions.

Your sexual libido was released.

- Released?

Doctor, my sexual libido was invading Iwo Jima on jet skis!

She's my friend.

- So far you have behaved in a perfectly normal fashion

for a man without sleep.

Now, while we appreciate your concern, let us not forget.

We are the testers, you are the testees!

- I'm telling you, the man is no longer with us.

He's in serious dream sleep,

and he's still functioning.

- I think he's gonna make it.

You know, Reagan did that for his last four years.

- Clarence.

How you doing?

- Fine, just fine.

- You look a little glassy-eyed.

You're not gonna capsize on us, are you buddy?

- Oh I'm fine, just fine.

These aren't my hands.

(laughing)

- Hey Clarence, you know you're wearing your underwear

on the outside of your pants?

- Fine, just fine.

- Hang on big guy, we're almost there.

We're the last four.

Hey Mo, Mo.

Listen, I gotta tell you, I spoke to the...

Sorry, the headshrinker, and she said it's perfectly normal,

under the circumstances, for what happened between us

to have happened, so don't feel weird about it, I don't.

I didn't feel weird before I even talked to the doctor,

now I feel even less weird.

- I don't feel weird about it.

- Feel weird about what?

- Uh... (mumbling)

You shouldn't feel weird.

What happened happened.

Just us, you know, one of those, okay.

- Feel weird, what?

Mo, what happened?

- I can't talk about it.

- I thought you said you didn't feel weird about it.

- I don't feel weird about what happened.

It's just that if I talked about it,

I would feel weird.

- All I'm asking is that he remove the suit

so I can talk to him face to face!

- My client informs me the suit is custom-made.

One of a kind.

What promise can I give me that it will be properly stored?

- Look at is this way.

Unless he climbs out of there,

you're gonna be a first lawyer in history

to defend a cup of java in criminal court!

- At this point, I think cooperation with the police

is vital to your interests.

- Okay cop, I'm coming out.

But I just want you to know that I'm not coming out

because you said so.

Gimme a hand.

I'm coming out because the stress of an arrest

usually gives me gas,

and I don't wanna be in there when it hits.

- This is heavy.

- It's bulletproof, lined with Kevlar.

I could have shot it out with you guys and won,

but I didn't.

That's something we could use in court.

- You know what would sound better in court?

That the defendant cooperated fully with the police,

and his help led to the apprehension of his dear old dad!

- Dad's getting me out of here!

- We're not making any deals with your dad!

You know, it would save him a lot of grief

if you would just tell us where he is.

Could you just tell us where the guy,

oh God, gotta keep moving.

Come on, keeps the blood going,

the oxygen flowing, there we go.

Sorry, I just gotta stay awake.

- Are we boring you?

- No no, it' helps, it helps.

Keeps me alert.

Now see, if your dad takes a hostage,

well, you know, then we're looking at SWATs,

helicopters, um, sharpshoote rs.

- Big deal!

Dad's outfit is bulletproof too.

- Time's up.

- That's one of the highest scores I've ever seen

at this late hour, Officer Silardi.

- Yeah?

- Out of the 16 that started this project,

only four remain.

If it were to continue indefinitely,

I dare say you'd be the last one left.

- (laughing) No kidding.

- Now, tell me a story,

about a little boy and his teddy bear.

- A story about a little boy and his teddy bear?

- Whatever you want it to be.

Let your imagination be your guide.

- All right.

Once upon a time, there was this little boy,

with his teddy bear.

And every night the little boy

would take his teddy bear to bed with him.

It was, it was a big bed.

With soft white sheets,

and big fluffy pillows,

and a quilt with little red fire engines on it that...

- Yes, go on.

- I'm going home.

- What's that?

- It's been great.

I'm really glad I got a chance to meet you people.

- Well wait, Officer Silardi, sit down.

Please, we're not finished.

- Yes We are, yes We are, yes We are.

Hey, everybody!

I am done!

I'm going home.

I love you all!

- Hold it!

You can't drive in your condition.

- Drive?

I'm taking the bus.

- How long?

- 10 minutes.

- You kept the instructions simple?

- All I said was, make yourself a sandwich.

Take as long as you like.

How many precincts have we tested?

- At least five.

- We've seen the cream of the crop in action.

And I'll tell you, the most stable person I've met so far

is the clown in the coffee mug.

So, when does hubby leave from Japan?

- Tuesday.

- I don't think I can wait that long.

- Neither can I.

I just bought a leather teddy at Casa Erotica.

- Figure I'd be this obsessed with you

if you weren't married?

(yawning)

- I'm just gonna close my eyes,

just a second.

- Harry!

The Half and Half's on two, pick up!

- Okay, I got it.

No problem.

Inspector Police Department, San Francisco speaking.

Hey half!

Is that you dude?

Yeah, I was beginning to worry,

you weren't calling me back there.

- Let me speak to my old me!

- No no, listen, I told you,

we weren't gonna go for that hostage stuff man.

We're not letting him go!

Hey hey, you listen to me!

Get the mug on the phone, put him on the phone.

Yeah, a hostage won't do you a damn bit of good.

Listen, we've got your boy, and we're gonna keep him here

until the criminal justice system says we can let him go.

Hey, listen.

Hang on a second, I got somebody here I want you to talk to.

" Dad?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm hanging tough.

These pinheads ain't gonna break me.

Don't listen to him, Dad.

I'm gonna make it out of this rat bomb.

Yeah, yeah, they caught me with the suit.

Yeah, they caught me with the gun.

Yeah, they caught me the the money.

Don't sweat it Dad, I'll beat it!

- Put him back in his cage.

Hear that?

Like father like son, he's a real miniature you.

And it's gonna go hard on him.

It's easy, wanna know how?

You turn yourself in.

You take the rap and maybe he'll get

a lighter sentence as an accomplice.

That's it!

Lost him.

I'm so tired.

I don't trust myself.

Did I do the right thing?

Your turn.

What if he takes a hostage, huh?

What if he hurts somebody?

- You did the right thing.

We don't negotiate with creeps like that.

- I remember yelling at him, did I yell at him?

- Yeah.

- Well I just felt at the time

it was the only way to deal with someone

who committed a crime dressed as a dairy product.

- Thank God it's over.

We're out of here.

Honestly, when we started this thing,

would you have picked those two to cross the finish line?

- Not in a million years.

- Hey, how do you like that?

I've been standing outside waiting for a bus

that doesn't even exist.

What an idiot!

I mean, this is 2086, latter part of the 21 st century.

There's no buses any more.

I can just beam myself wherever I wanna go.

There's no apples in here.

- Now that was my choice for the big winner.

It just goes to show you, we know nothing.

- But we're not giving the money back.

- Great, you finished the test,

you've been up for 48 hours,

where are you going now?

- I'm going to Disneyland!

- It's just you, me and MoNeill.

Now it's just you and me.

One more time.

- Hey guy, don't make any sudden moves.

Are your hands up in there?

If they aren't, get 'em up!

- Dad, why?

- Be careful, I don't know if he's got any weapons in there.

- I'm unarmed!

- Cuff him.

~ Dad!

You wimped out!

- Hey, thank you for coming in.

You made the right choice.

- Yeah, well you got me thinking about my boy over there.

Besides, I'm getting too old for this.

- Yeah, put him in the cooler.

- More ice, right?

- Come on.

- Inspector Hooperman, Officer DeMott,

congratulations on completing the exercise.

We'll be sending your precinct an evaluation

in four to six weeks.

- How did we do?

- Well, let me put in this way.

Golden Gate finished 21 our of 24 starters.

You figure it out.

- We didn't do that great.

- Well, it really doesn't matter.

You're right on a major fault line,

so if the big one hits,

you'll all be destroyed in the first shock wave.

- I hate him.

Mo, you are a real trooper!

I'm telling you, it is a pleasure, a privilege and an honor

to cross the finish line with you.

- You too, Hoop.

You know, one of us is still in the wrong bathroom.

- God, wasn't that crazy what happened

in here a little while ago?

Can you believe what we almost did?

- Yeah, it was so stupid.

- Hey Mo.

Under normal circumstances,

do you think you and I would ever?

- No way.

- (laughing) Yeah, it would be a pretty ridiculous...

What do you mean, no way!

You just sort of fired that out

like you didn't even have to think about it.

- Harry, we're friends.

We're like brother and sister.

- Yeah, well you were martinizing your brother's lips

a couple hours ago.

Listen, I got a hypothetical question for you.

You don't know me, right?

You see me waking down the street,

I see you walking down the street, we've never met.

Would you say hey, check it out,

I could go for a guy like that.

- I don't know.

It's an unfair question!

What would you do if I asked you the same thing about me?

What would you say?

- Uh uh, that's my question.

You think of your own question.

- Okay, okay!

All this time we've been working together,

laughing, scratching around the squad room,

were you ever having those thoughts about me?

- Well, uh...

I don't know, I thought about the 1982 Superbowl

a couple of times.

Well no, I had some thoughts.

Mostly not.

- Harry, in another lifetime,

I'd be on you in a New York second.

- So if we were gonna do anything,

it would have to be now,

during a time of severe mental stress.

- That would be my call.

- Mine too.

- [Both] Nah!

(laughing)

- Let's get out of here.

- Come on.

-\/\/ait!

What about Clarence?

- You got any lipstick?

(upbeat jazzy music)