Original subtitles

- [Bushkin] Five-George-Thirty-five?

- It's Five-George-Thirty-five, yo, Bushkin.

- [Bushkin] Hi, Five-George-Thirty- five,

proceed to corner of Hoback and Milpedus.

Body on sidewalk in crowded scene.

Several witnesses report victim was thrown

from blue late model Ford vehicle.

- We're three blocks away and we're on it.

(police sirens)

(people talking)

- Stand back.

Move aside.

Come on, make room for us, please.

Make room.

Okay, who saw what happened?

(people denying sight)

Who saw them dump the body?

Which one of you people called it in?

This concerned citizen's really concerned me.

- Clarence, do you know who this is?

- Yeah, I know.

It's the next cheddar with the invisible player.

- Take a look!

This is Bullseye Beaubrick, the mob hit guy,

Alvin Beaubrick.

- You're right.

He's usually on the other end of the bullets.

- Yeah, instant karma.

I'll go get a clean-up crew down here.

Five George 35, this is Five George 35.

- [Bushkin] Go ahead Five George.

- Yeah, we got one of organized crime's finest,

down here, waiting for toe tag.

You want to send us a wagon?

- [Bushkin] Well, the coroner's man can't be there

till five to six hours.

The city's using their crews and vehicles

to help during the ambulance strike.

- Oh, yeah, right.

The paramedics are out too, aren't they?

Look.

Well, we'll just give him a ride in the black and white,

then.

- [Bushkin] We can't spare one.

The strike's got us on overload,

and the morgue is ocupado in a major way.

- All right, Bushkin, later.

I'll tell you something.

This is a bad day to get shot in this town.

- Well, we can't leave him here.

- Give me a hand.

- What are we doing?

- Everybody's on strike,

and there's no vacancies downtown,

so we're just gonna have to drop this guy off

at Golden Gate Hospital, and then,

we'll make the transfer.

Open the door.

McNeil, get this stiff off me.

I don't want to marry him.

(suspenseful music)

Okay, I got him, I got him.

This guy is cold.

- Should we lie him down?

- Trust me he's comfortable.

Sorry about that, Bullseye.

Didn't you take the car down to the motor pool,

and get the emergency brake fixed?

- Didn't you put it in park?

- Better go get it.

- You go get it.

UaZZy music)

(screaming)

- [Hooperman] Watch out! Runaway car!

- [McNeil] Look out!

(upbeat music with saxophone)

Thank god for that telephone pole.

I was just about to receive a letter of resignation

from my launch.

- This is gonna start a whole new trend.

Don't drive dead.

Hey, Bullseye!

Got away from us, buddy.

Okay, this is going on his record.

Leaving the scene of his own death.

This is gonna be one of those days,

I can feel it.

Hey!

Get out of there!

I never met a mob guy who didn't wear boxer shorts.

They must take an oath, or something.

- Reminds me of something my mother used to say

about always wearing clean underwear, just in case.

- Up and at him, Bullseye.

(jazzy beat)

All right.

Here we go, you got him?

I just wonder what his day was like,

before it all turned to caca.

I mean, did he have a nice breakfast?

Did he make love?

Did he sing his favorite 60's hit in the shower?

- He probably got up, cleaned his gun,

stole a shut-ids newspaper, and kicked a puppy.

(laughing)

- Hooperman, wait a minute.

It's impossible!

Hooperman, you're not listening to me.

I don't have a squad car I can send down there.

There are none available.

Most of them are out on 911 calls.

I've already gotten the coroner

to authorize you guys as transportation.

How bad is your unit?

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

Use your imagination, call a cab.

Absolutely not!

You may not, under pain of death,

bring that former person into my squad room.

Yes, Bushkin.

- It's nothing much.

It's just a small way of wishing you all the best,

and remembering you on your birthday.

- Oh.

(phone ringing)

(people talking)

Shh.

I don't want anyone to know.

Well, this is sweet.

Thank you.

What is it?

- It's a fetish!

It protects you from all kinds of stuff.

VWd animals and evil spirits and plane crashes,

and herpes.

- I'll treasure it.

And Bushkin, not a word to anybody

about what today is.

- Oh, but Captain, birthdays are no fun,

if you keep them a secret.

You have to celebrate with friends and coworkers.

- I haven't celebrated mine for years.

At my tenth birthday, my cousin missed the pinata,

and broke my nose with a broom handle.

My 16th birthday, my date had a sinus attack,

and asked to use the tissues from my bra.

The day I turned five, my father left and never came back.

- Oh, Captain.

- I think birthday's are overrated.

I don't want to fuss.

Do you COPY?

- Oh, roger, Captain.

I'm forgetting this conversation immediately.

My mind is a blank.

- Don't think it goes unnoticed.

- Well, thank you, Captain.

(phone ringing)

(people talking)

Listen, everybody, the Captain says she doesn't want anyone

to make a big deal about her birthday, okay?

- That's a crock.

Typical woman.

Oh, please.

Don't go to any trouble for little old me.

I just want today to be just like any other day,

and then, you're in your face for the next 12 months,

because they think you forgot.

- Pritzger's got a good point.

Possibly for the first time in his life.

- Why don't we all just pitch in for one nice gift,

and keep it simple.

This way, we can all say happy birthday,

without a big production.

- And more important, at a considerable savings

to us all.

How about a lottery ticket?

We could nail that one with the change

we find in our pockets.

- Pritzger!

- What do you expect, Bushkin.

This is the man who gave us

all chicken nugget snack packs for Christmas.

- I got a lot of thank you notes on that one.

You know, we could get her a whole bucket of wings.

I know the owner.

He'll gift wrap.

UaZZy music)

- [Hooperman] Come on, buddy.

Give us a break, here.

- You guys are fine, but I ain't carting your pal.

I don't want a bunch of Wino pudding in the back

of my cab.

- That's okay.

He's dead.

- [Hooperman] That's right.

Very recently, very dead.

- Whoa, hold it.

There's a limit to what I will allow in my vehicle.

You can be coyote ugly, but you cannot be dead.

- Hey, we are policemen.

We can commandeer this cab if we want to.

Show him the badge, McNeil.

- Aw, I don't know.

Is this gonna be a freebie?

_ Hey, we'll pay.

We're not going that far.

- All right, but I'm gonna have to charge you double fare.

- Wait a minute.

Under the circumstances, don't you think he

should ride free?

- Under the circumstance, don't you think

he should have his pants?

You don't ride free unless you're under 12.

He was under 12 when Eisenhower was president.

- But don't you have anything less than the full fare.

I mean, don't you have a freight category?

- Freight has handles, and little wheels on the bottom.

This item has got bony knees, and a bad haircut.

I gotta call it a passenger, fellas.

- Hang on a second.

Let's see, here.

I got around 20 bucks.

How much you got, McNeil?

- Oh, ten, 15, maybe.

- Okay, listen.

There's 30, $35 on the table, here.

Normally, it's a $12, so I suggest you snap up

this generous offer, do your civic duty,

and avoid the wrath of two police officers

who are having a very stressful day.

- Hop in.

- Nobody in that neighborhood's gonna tell us

who dumped old Bullseye here.

- We're gonna have to go door-to-door, then.

- Hello, Inspector's Hooperman and McNeil,

SFPD, we have an emergency.

- Who's he?

- It's Inspector McNeil.

- Who's this?

- Oh.

This is Bullseye.

Actually, Alvin Beaubrick.

This is the emergency.

- What is his problem?

- He's deceased.

- Is this a malpractice thing?

- He was shot by someone totally outside

the medical profession.

- Well, there's.

There's really nothing we can do for him.

- Well, we just want to sort of board him here,

overnight, just pretty much standing room only

down at our morgue.

Actually, they're laying down,

but there are a lot of them.

- Well, I don't know.

This is unusual.

Dr. Lobinski.

These men are with the police department,

and they need to keep this gentleman, here,

in our morgue, for how long?

- We were hoping maybe just overnight.

- Sure. Stiff's are easy.

Oh, wait a minute.

What am I thinking about?

Our morgue is full too.

We haven't been able to ship anyone.

There's a strike on, you know?

- Yeah, we know.

- Best thing we can do is clean him up.

You can try down at Muir,

but I think they're full too.

- Well, could you bag him up for us?

It'd make traveling a lot easier.

- Paper of plastic?

(laughing)

You gotta have a sense of humor in my business.

Orderly, can we get a gurney over here, please?

- I got a weird feeling about this place.

It's great of you to give us a lift.

We really appreciate it.

- No problem.

Maybe you guys can help it beat a traffic ticket

some time.

- We don't do that.

- Well, at least when I need a cop,

I'll know who to call.

You guys won't have any luck at Muir.

I don't care what they told you.

I dropped offa load there this morning.

Their cooler's full, but I gotta stop at St. Catherine's.

They might have some empty ice.

- St. Catherine's it is.

Am I crazy, or didn't old Bullseye

have a bigger nose than this?

- Yeah, he had a real Buick.

- Uh-oh.

- What?

- Take a look.

- This seems to be a former black lady.

(shouting)

- We came in here.

We handed you Mr. Beaubrick.

Now look, this is a major hospital.

We fully expected to walk outwith the same corpse

we walked in with.

- There's no need to get upset.

- No need to get upset?

How would you feel if I took your car,

and came back with a different one?

Would you be upset?

Listen, I want to put this man to rest.

He's already seen more of the city than most tourists.

- Listen, with the strike, all of our medical facilities

are working in an emergency situation.

Given those conditions, a mistake like this,

while unusual, is, I think, understandable.

We'll do our best.

- Do better than that.

- Ham'-

Relax.

- Find Mr. Beaubrick, please.

- We'll find him.

And on behalf of the hospital,

I want to apologize for stiffing you.

Get it? Stiff.

(laughing)

- Ham'-

- We, in the medical profession, have known for years

that laughter increases longevity.

You law enforcement people would do well to embrace

that concept.

- You know what you could embrace?

He makes me mad.

- Hey-

This thing goes past six, we'll put in for overtime.

You know how they hate that, huh?

We'll do it anyway, okay?

- Touch that nose!

- No, I'm sorry.

I thought I recognized that nose.

Have you seen a guy that looks like him,

only a little meaner looking, blue face.

No pants.

Never mind, carry on.

Just checking.

(knocking)

- Come in.

(people talking)

fl Happy birthday to you

(scream) fl Happy birthday to you

(Qroan)

- That didn't sound like it's going very well.

- She'll love it.

She's probably laughing her buns off.

There perfect gift.

Bobo scores again.

(groaning)

- Whose idea was this?

Pritzger!

- What you got there, a gorilla?

- Somebody planned this.

A gorilla doesn't just walk into a squad room.

You're probably all in on it.

Well, I think it's in very poor taste.

All I wanted today was a little privacy.

Is that too much to ask?

I mean, if I want to have this day go by,

unheralded, the least you can do is respect my choice!

This is not a fraternity party,

it's a squad room!

Grow up!

And you, blabber mouth!

- Oh, Captain, I, it wasn't, well,

I suppose it was, I'll just go kill myself.

- Well, take him with you,

and get him an aspirin.

- Jeez, I thought it'd be a winner.

- Get to a phone.

Cancel our gorilla gram.

- I never should say anything to that chick.

She steals all my ideas.

- Take a look at this, Harry.

This guy had plastic surgery,

and had a dimple put in his chin.

Now, why would anybody want to do that?

- I don't know.

They can do that now.

- Yeah, but you could sink a putt in this dimple.

- Well, some people aren't happy with the way they look,

so they change it.

- Would you change anything about you?

- Nah.

- Would you change anything about me, if you were me?

- Ears.

- What do you mean, ears?

- Well, the left one's a little bigger, a little flabby.

- What do you mean?

- Or, the right one enlarged.

They do that now.

- What?

- McNeil, take it from me as a friend.

Your head needs to be balanced.

Otherwise, you're a bonafide specimen.

Wait a minute, Clarence.

You gotta take a look at this.

You won't believe this.

- [McNeil] Where in the hell did he get those pants

and shoes?

- [Hooperman] You know, I liked him better in knee socks.

- Well, no one said he had good taste.

- Come on.

Hold it!

Right there, we'll take over from here, thanks.

- What?

- We're police officers.

This is our guy.

- Youf GUY?

- Yes, he's in our custody.

He's coming with us.

- Oh.

He can't leave.

He's due in radiology.

X-rays.

- X-rays?

You gotta be kidding.

This man is dead.

Doesn't he look dead to you?

- Well, not compared to some of our patients.

Look, I can't let you take him without authority,

so just wait one moment.

- Do we really want to go through this again?

- Nope.

- You know what I'm thinking?

Road trip.

(people talking)

- You want my opinion, this is a bad idea.

- Clarence, with all due respect,

I don't care about your opinion.

I'm tired of this stupid strike!

I'm tired of riding in laundry trucks and cabs!

I'm tired of losing our pal, here.

They won't send a squad car.

We're taking the cross town bus.

- If we show up at the station with him,

it's gonna hit the fan, in a serious way.

- Listen, man, as soon as we get there,

we'll just call the coroner's office,

and demand that they send someone over to pick this guy up.

I don't care if they have to use a skateboard.

- I hope you have some money.

I had to give all of mine to the cabby.

- Oh, I don't have any either.

Damn.

Wait a minute, we're cops.

We can ride for free, and this guy's got his bus pass

right here.

Whoa!

How's this for bad luck?

Today's his birthday.

- Checked out on the day he checked in.

That's way too organized.

- Here we go.

- Yes, this is Rick Silardi, again.

Officer Silardi, I'm calling to cancel my gorilla gram.

Please call me at 555-8383.

It's kind of an emergency.

I'd appreciate a call back.

Thank you.

- Did we get them?

- No.

They're still on a machine.

That's my fifth message already.

- What are we gonna do?

- We could go out and arrest anyone in a gorilla suit.

- Oh, god.

I asked them to put a sash around him,

saying, "Happy Birthday, Rick and Mo."

- Oh, great.

Well, maybe she'll knock him out before she reads

the whole thing.

- Hey, Bobo.

You haven't seen a guy in an ape suit hanging around

out there, have you?

- I don't know anything about apes or gorillas,

or anything.

(people talking)

- Could I have your attention, please?

(phone ringing)

I want.

I feel I have to apologize for my outburst today.

I wanted this day to go by unnoticed, because,

well, for reasons I won't go into.

It's never been a special day for me,

but then I realized for all of you to go

to the trouble you went to, it must somehow

be special to you.

Your gift, bizarre as it was,

was a gesture of friendship and support,

and there's just not enough of that to go around,

so I'm very grateful, thank you.

- The big monkey was from me.

45 bucks, but you are worth it.

- You are a prince among men.

Thank you all again.

See you in the morning.

- I can't believe that in this whole station,

there's not one empty cell, and those GUYS

in the motor pool, that's the last time

I'm gonna be nice to them.

They could have kept him there for a half hour.

Captain?

Boy, what a day we had.

- Explain.

- Oh yeah, Captain, this is Alvin Beaubrick,

Bullseye himself, colder than keg been

- Take a deep breath, collect yourself,

and give me the excellent reason he's in my squad room.

- Don't worry about it, Captain.

He's not staying long.

Bushkin, call the coroner's office.

Tell them we got a pickup.

Now, they can walk over here, and get him.

- I think we should put him in the interrogation room.

- Right.

- That would be very considerate.

Oh, and Hooperman,

when you submit the report,

leave out the details between where you found him,

and where he ended up.

I have a feeling they're too weird,

even for the police file.

- Right.

By the way, Cap, is it your birthday today?

- Yes it is.

- [Hooperman] Well, happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- Is this the squad room?

- Yes.

- I'm looking for Captain CZ Stern.

- Right in there.

Goodnight.

- [Gorilla] Excuse me.

- 50"'!-

- Surprise!

Fl Happy birthday to you

fl Happy birthday to you

fl Happy birthday dear Bullseye

fl Happy birthday to you

- What do we do now?

- Blow out the candles.

UaZZy music)