Original subtitles

- [Hooperman] Still can't figure out

who to take to the ball?

- Well you gotta consider the finer points.

You just can't jump into a heavy decision like this.

- Come on McNeil, you can't tell me you've had

a meaningful relationship with all these women.

- Long enough for the film to develop.

- You know, I'd go with.

Is this in 3D?

- What about you, you gonna take Alex?

- Nah, she's gonna be out of town.

- Who you calling in from the bench?

- There is no bench.

I don't feel like looking through my Rolodex of names.

In fact, there is no Rolodex.

So I might not go, you know.

I miss one year, big deal. No biggie.

It's a major deal.

Remember last year?

- Do you want to miss a gala that ends up

with a black bra floating in the champagne fountain, eh?

(Hooperman laughs)

- I need a second opinion.

I've got your Tartan plaid, your paisley,

your iridescent green, I just can't make up my mind.

- Where did you get all this stuff?

- Roy's Formal Attire.

Before you do your stepping out,

Roy let's you test drive.

I've gotta look my best.

Everybody's gonna be looking at me.

I know, I have escorted some street meat

to this shindig in the past.

Beverly's gonna be on my arm.

- I have a special announcement.

I have been asked to the ball.

I'm gonna be there with all of you.

Isn't that exciting?

Aren't you excited for me?

(phone ringing)

I knew you would be.

- So, come on, who is it?

- Only the most handsome, the most eligible,

the best detective on the North Beach Homicide Division,

Don Deamer.

- Dirt Bag Deamer?

- That sleazeball?

Bushkin, even the 976 recordings hang up on him.

- Betty.

He treats women like Handy-VWpes

- You think I can't handle?

I know what you're thinking.

I'm too innocent, I'm too naive.

I'm fragile, well, I'll have you know,

I once dated a guy who could only make love

under a Ford, so there.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(people talking)

- I can't believe it.

- What?

- Dan said yes.

I'm going to the ball with the greatest guy.

- And I'm not going to the ball with the greatest guy.

- Well, you could take a girl.

- Oh, be a hypocrite?

- Then take a guy.

- And maybe botch my whole career?

- Come with me and Dan!

- Oh, and be bored?

- Hooperman, please.

(people talking)

I don't know quite how to say this.

This is silly.

We've known each other a long time.

I guess I should just say it.

I'm asking you out.

(clears throat)

- Excuse me.

Oh.

I'm flattered, Captain.

You're a wonderful person, and I'm sure one of these days,

you'll find your special someone, but.

- Hooperman, relax.

I just need an escort for the ball Saturday night.

- Oh. Oh! Well.

Uh, hey.

I'd love to do it, of course.

It's just, it would be my pleasure,

but I already have a date.

(phone ringing)

- Well, I should have assumed

that you'd be going with someone.

You see, I'm obviously not seeing anyone at the moment,

and, well, you know, you just get so tired

of always going to those things with the excuse of,

you know, "My date is out of town."

Stupid, I know.

It's just that it was an important evening,

and I didn't want to go alone,

and I just thought you might not mind going with me.

Thank you, Hooperman, that's all.

(clears throat)

(people talking)

- Could you shoot me dead?

I promise I won't tell anyone.

(phone ringing)

(people talking)

- Hi, Boris.

- What is that?

- I want you to meet my brother, Carl.

- Uh.

- Everybody, I want you to meet my brother, Carl.

- Hi.

- He was in town sightseeing from Sacramento.

Unfortunately, he fell off the cable car,

and he had to wire a jaw.

- Still having fun.

(laughing)

What a g UY-

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Beverly, I imagine I'll be seeing you at the ball.

I'm going this year, you know.

- With anyone I know?

- Well, he's a detective from North Beach.

Don Deamer.

- Dung Heap Deamer?

- I thought it was Dirt Bag?

- So, about Saturday night,

what are we gonna do with this?

- We are going to talk about it in here.

- Does this mean that your bashed up brother

has ruined my Saturday night?

- Not necessarily, but I can't leave him alone.

- He has ruined it.

Can't you send him to Fisherman's Wharf or something?

He's still got an arm.

He could fish.

- Boris, we're going to have to deal with this.

- So what if it's their 50th wedding anniversary,

you gotta go with me.

- Harry, I can't.

- Your parents will forgive you, I know they will.

Now, I don't know them personally,

but I'm sure they're understanding,

compassionate humanists just like you.

- Oh yeah.

- And if they don't forgive you,

then they don't deserve you there in the first place.

Look, Alex.

I told my captain I was gonna bring a date.

She's expecting me to show up with someone

with breasts and a rhinestone purse.

_ Harry, stop.

I'm going to Seattle.

I'm sorry.

- You know, this means, I'm going to have to find

someone else.

- Well, I guess I'll just have to deal with that.

- Damn, I thought that would be the killer.

- [Bobo] Who do you like in the fifth at Bay Meadows?

- Vague Lady?

- No.

- Completely gray?

- Completely gray, that's it.

- Tada.

- You're sitting with the commissioner.

One question, why?

' Why What?

- Because it's you.

- This just might have something to do

with the service decoration you won last month?

- Bushkin, look again.

It should have been here by now.

- I check the mail every day.

Maybe if I knew what it looked like.

- Well, it's a large envelope with...

"From the office of the commissioner" printed in the corner.

(people talking)

- Captain, are you okay?

- I'm just swell.

Very happy for McNeil.

Ever had one of those lives?

- We all do.

- Really?

I finally found an escort.

Someone with some charm, some class.

Internal affairs is investigating him

for selling the spare tires off our vehicles.

My luck.

- There's still a few days left,

and there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

- Yeah, well, most of them are either tunas or gay.

The only available man is my stupid,

pervert ex-husband.

- Captain, security wants a list of everyone's date

for the ball.

Harry? Who are you taking?

- A person. A woman.

- I know that.

What's her name?

- Her name is her.

- DeMott?

- DeMott?

- DeMott? Yeah, DeMott.

- DeMott.

We're all gonna have such a good time.

And Captain, who's taking you to the ball?

- Die, bitch.

(orchestra music)

- Is that a German name?

Diebich?

- [Captain] DeMott.

- DeMott, Demott.

Silardi, what do we got here?

- Found this guy in the front window of Dicky Donuts.

Found a unique and provocative way of making the holes.

- You should see what I can do with a crawler.

- You shut up!

Get him out of here!

Book him! Book him!

Ah, he makes me sick.

- You okay?

- I'm fine, great.

Yeah, couldn't be better.

- So?

Well, I guess you're all set for Saturday.

- You bet.

I'm definitely set.

- So am I.

I'm set. She's set.

You're looking at two set people here.

Saturday, for the ball.

We are set.

- Right. The ball.

We're set. We're set.

- Cut down on the coffee.

- Yeah.

Can I have a moment with you?

Hear me out.

If you do this for me,

I'll owe you big.

- Define "this."

- Mo.

Stern asked me to take her to the ball.

- There are worse things.

I can't think of any right now,

but I'm sure whatever heads the six o'clock news

will do.

- I told her I was taking you.

- Is that what this is?

Harry, I've already asked someone to the ball.

I've been dying to go outwith him,

but he's only in town once a month!

He's the sort of guy who comes along once in a lifetime.

A prince. A dream come true.

Mr. Potentially Right!

- Mo, this is bigger than your life.

This is one cop to another.

This is about the brotherhood

and sisterhood of law enforcement.

This is officer down, all units respond.

- Ham'-

" Huh?

- Don't do this.

- I'll pay YOU-

- Look, we're great pals,

but this time, I've gotta say no.

I'm sorry, but no.

I'm not going with you under any circumstances.

- You leave me no choice.

- Don't say it, Harry.

- Listen.

- Don't stoop that low!

Please not that.

I couldn't handle that.

Don't say it.

- Christmas Eve, 1986.

- I want a major corsage.

The limo, stretch.

And don't rent one of those cheesy, day glow tuxedos.

- We'll have fun.

We're gonna have a ball at the ball.

Mo, Mo.

- Okay, thanks.

- Inspector McNeil.

- Yes, Captain.

- I just want you to know that I think the honor

of sitting at the commissioner's table

couldn't go to a more dedicated and deserving recipient.

- Thank you, Captain.

I thought maybe you were still--

- That I was upset?

I was never upset.

It was just that.

Well, I guess I was thrown.

See, I've represented our precinct at that table

for seven years in a row, and,

I guess I expected,

well, it doesn't matter what I expected.

A piece of professional advice.

You can use this opportunity to advance yourself.

Make a good impression on the commissioner,

and you'll see rapid growth in your career.

A little politics never hurt.

- Well, actually, Captain, the only reason

why I want to sit up there is to impress her.

(phone ringing)

- Is that all part of one body'?

- Silardi?

- [Silardi] Yo.

- Hey, dude.

Some of us are gonna blast out after prom,

and get seriously bodacious with our dates.

You want to hang?

- No, thanks.

I'm not going.

- Hey, that's because you don't have a date.

- No, I have a date.

I just don't think I can bring her.

- Oh, right. Yeah.

I guess I didn't think of that.

- Neither did I.

Just when you're starting to feel good,

reality hits.

- Listen, if you want to join me and--

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Thanks.

You know, Harry, Phil's really mad at me about this.

He says I'm copping out, but I'm not.

I've never lived in the closet, but I don't flaunt it,

either, because unfortunately, I do live

in the real world.

- For what it's worth, Rick,

I support you bringing Phil.

He's the guy I met at DeMotfs birthday party, right?

He's a very good dancer.

- That's what he said about you.

(chuckling)

You know, I was dying to go with DeMott.

I mean, it's the only thing that would have felt right.

She's my best friend, and going with her

wouldn't be like I was pretending to be something else.

But, I know if I asked her, she'd say Yes,

and I really wanted her to have a chance

to go with someone she likes.

Everybody should.

Anyway, I am out of here.

See you Monday.

- Yeah, have a good weekend.

(door closing)

(phone ringing)

Mo, just a minute.

- Forget it, Harry.

I'm not picking you up.

- Change of plans.

You're going with Silardi.

Just go ask him.

Come on, go ask Rick.

- What are you doing to me?

' Hmm?

- This is totally nuts.

I just canceled with Dan to go with Harry,

now Harry tells me I'm going with Rick.

- But he needs you, Mo.

He wants to go to the dance, but who's he gonna take,

Mr. October?

Ugh-uh.

Not in this precinct, not yet.

- I'm gonna do this.

- Thanks.

- One, 'cause I love Rick.

Two, because I just blew out my dream date,

who is now flying back to Los Angeles,

who I will probably never see again, and three,

because this means you're going alone.

So, do me a favor.

- What?

- Rent a formal straight jacket.

That way, you can only dance with yourself.

- Mo.

I'm gonna take somebody.

- Where you going?

- To do something I should have done in the first place.

Excuse me.

Captain.

- Yes, Hooperman. What is it?

- Well, Captain, due to a sudden shift in internal affairs.

Mine, that is.

I've suddenly become available,

so I'm formally asking you to be,

or for me to be your date,

to escort you as my companion, to the dinner dance.

Isn't that great?

- Well, I appreciate the gesture, Hooperman,

but, you see, I'm no longer available.

I already have a date, and he asked me.

- Hi, my name is Carl Shaufner.

As you can see, my arm is broken, my leg is fractured,

and my jaw is wired shut.

Even so, I'd consider it an honor and a privilege

to escort you.

Nice penmanship.

Hope you have a good time.

Good g UY-

Wired jaw, broken flipping arm.

- So, Harry,

how was your audience with Her Highness?

- Oh, uh, I just lost my third date for the dinner dance

to a guy who should be in a bin in the hardware store.

- What?

- Never mind. It's nothing.

Wait a minute, this is good.

Who says you need a date to have a good time?

I can go alone.

I don't have to rush to get there.

I don't have to worry whether she's having a good time.

I can leave whenever I want, because no one's gonna care,

because no one's gonna talk to me,

because they all have dates!

- Well, it's better you're not going.

I wouldn't be able to hang with you anyway.

I'm gonna be sitting at a different table.

- Harry, you're not going?

That's terrible.

- It's not terrible.

Besides, I have better things to do.

- Yeah, like what?

- Like throwing a party myself.

- Tonight?

- Yeah, tonight.

You may not know this,

but I have some very interesting people

who live in my building.

Artists, musicians, bohemians.

Hip people who don't need a month's notice

to get it together.

I mean, I can hire a band, we can dance on the roof,

and I could invite those two beautiful sisters

who stand on my street corner every evening.

I'm telling you, this could be a celebration

to last all weekend, and if I'm not back Monday morning,

you can send out a search party.

You know, I don't need a policeman's ball.

I don't need to eat orange rice and strange meat

on little tiny toothpicks.

And, I don't need to wear a monkey suit

filled with other people's old sweat,

flaky skin, and God knows what.

(people talking)

Well, Bijoux, this is as close to a party

we're gonna get tonight.

Here ' B“.

Let's check the tube.

(knocking)

Are you expecting someone?

- [Alex] Harry?

- Alex?

- You're here.

I took a chance.

I thought maybe he didn't go,

but if I don't go and check,

I'll regret it forever.

I'm glad I did.

- So am I.

What about your parents?

- Oh, Harry, it's 11 o'clock.

They're home sleeping in layers of flannel.

I flew out right after we cut the cake.

Oh, by the way, here's a piece for you.

- Oh.

(knocking)

Oh no.

Wait a minute.

- Here, I won this.

Am I too late?

- Too late for what?

- For your bash.

You know, with the band, and the bohemians.

- What are you doing here?

- The ball was a bust, Harry.

Too much security.

No open bar.

The only bright spot was when McNeil

ate a bad rumaki and threw up

on the commissioner.

- You're kidding.

He threw up on him?

- On him, his wife, his own date.

You name it, he sprayed it.

(gagging)

- Am I sick.

Excuse me.

(people talking)

- Did I come at a bad time?

We having a party?

- No. No, I was just lying.

(people laughing)

- Bring him on in.

Move him in.

There you go.

There you go.

- Welcome.

- Oh, you should have been there, Harry.

McNeil made us all proud, and then,

he made us all duck.

- Nice pa FW-

Well, thank you, Carl, but it's not really a party.

- I'll say.

We all look like we're waiting for the Greyhound

to Sacramento.

- Yeah, you want a drink,

it's in the kitchen that way.

- [Man] Hey, Hooperman, how about some music?

- It's so refreshing to date a man who can't speak.

You don't have to hear about wonderful his mother is,

or how much he loves hockey.

- Yes.

(laughing)

(rock beat)

- Hi, where's your party?

- Well, hi.

Welcome.

Make yourselves comfortable.

- Well, it looks like you got a party,

whether you like it or not.

Maybe I should go.

- No. No, don't.

Gotta stay.

Can't leave me alone with this fiasco.

- Oh mY-

- [Hooperman] Bushkin?

- Hooperman.

- [Hooperman] Deamer?

- Coat. Drink.

- Well, we don't have any real drinks.

Just some beer in the kitchen.

- Beer me.

(rock beat)

- Hey, Hooperman.

Got anymore pizza?

- No, actually, that was it,

but there's some popcorn and some kiwi fruit

in the refrigerator.

- This is my last bohemian party.

- [Hooperman] Yeah, I can understand that.

- Oh, hell, it looks like everybody's having a great time.

- Yeah, uh.

Why don't we go find our own corner?

(rock beat)

- [Bushkin] Okay, doll, show me how you

got the name Dirt Bag.

- [Bobo] You know what this party needs?

Just about everything.

(dog barking)

- [Hooperman] Excuse me, excuse me.

You're sitting on my dog.

UaZZy music)