All language subtitles for Hooperman S02E07 Hooperman Goes to Hell in a Handcart

- Mrs. Murphy, I've got
some great news for you.

Uh huh.

Ah yes, the apartment just
became available again.

Ah, well, I could come down a little.

Pets?

Yeah, pets are okay.

Just as long as their tail
is less than three feet.

Great, so you're definitely interested.

How many children?

And their ages?

Four, three, one and a half

six months?

Ah.

Well, including first
and last and security

it'll be 35,000 dollars.

Thank you very much.

- Hello, this is McNeil.

What?

You gotta be kidding.

You said we were gonna win this in
court.

So how long do I have?

Thank you.

Dammit.

- You're to upset, are you Clarence?

- My place has going condo and
I gotta be out in two weeks.

- What is going in this city?

The same thing happened to me.

My building was condemned last year.

I was the only one that didn't know.

I never got the notice.

I found out the hard way.

Awrecking ball came through my
bathroom.

Well, I'm sure you'll find
another swell place real soon.

Good luck!

- Thanks a lot.

- Clarence McNeil, this is
your luckiest of days ever.

You are the first man to
hear this offer today.

Smith's apartment just
became available again.

- Harry, I appreciate it, but
your building just isn't me.

There is no Jacuzzi, there
is no pool room, there is

no satellite dish, there is
no patio for belly rubbing

on the weekend.

- We're getting all that.

Apparently you didn't receive
your brochure in the mail.

- This is a complete outrage.

I'm a doctor, I'm a man of medicine.

- Will you rest your jaw and sit down'?

- Ma'am, you look like someone
who's education is beyond

that of street cop.

Could you tell them to release me?

- What do we have here?

- Lewd and lascivious.

- We have at least eight
complaints from patients.

- Hogwash.

I'm a compatibility consultant.

I'm trained to improve people's
sexuality.

- He's a mystical twit.

- Dr. Wexler reads a couples
private parts by holding them

and sees if they are right for each
other.

- It's a burgeoning field.

- I bet it is.

- Dr. Wexler?

What are you doing here?

Does this mean our Tuesday
appointment is a bust?

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- McNeil, there's no
downside to a deal like this.

You can't possibly go wrong.

Come on.

- Look Harry, I think it's
better to give someone else

a move in there.

- You're better off pal.

Never rent to somebody you know.

Nothing but trouble.

Years ago, my dad rented our
back room to his brother.

My mother is now also my aunt.

- Hooperman, that was the coroner.

He's got a cold one on ice.

He thinks maybe Johnny Guerrero.

You and McNeil there and ID him.

- We're gone, McNeil!

McNeil, where else are
you gonna find a place

for that kind of money?

- Have some respect.

We're among the recently boxed.

Would you imagine that Moore guy
asking us

if we were gonna get sick?

- Like we've never seen a stiff before.

(gasping)

Mr. Johnny Guerrero down for a dirt
nap.

Looks like we got a hostile
takeover on our hands.

It's gonna be war out there.

The Guerreros do not like to
franchise their crack houses.

- Shot him up pretty good.
- Yeah.

- Are we sure it's Guerrero?

- One way to find out.

Family tattoo.

Yup.

Every Guerrero has one
of these in the inside

of their right arm.

Even grandma Guerrero.

- Looks like he absorbed
the whole magazine.

That's some heavy ventilation.

- Speaking of ventilation, that's
another

great selling point on the apartment.

You know, its right on
the corner, it's got

this cross breeze coming off from the
bay

and in Knob Hill.

You never need air conditioning.

- Ham'-

Would you stop the sales pitch?

- All right, fine.

Hey, I don't need to push this.

This is a great apartment,
it'll go in a minute.

I could give you a break on the price.

No first and last and
50 dollars offa month.

- It sounds good.

- You mean you'll take it?

- I'll think about it.

- Come on, McNeil, don't mess with
me.

Really, you're gonna think about it?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll come and take a look at it again.

- Talk to me, alright.

Let's get rid of this guy.

- We've got a major player out there.

Nobody messes with a Guerrero.

- You're gonna love this place McNeil.

Did I tell you it's a historical building?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I think John Sutter lost
his virginity there during

the gold rush.

Oh, Clarence, isn't this great?

Look at this, all your
stuff fits in perfectly.

- Harry, you an stop
the Mary Tyler war act.

I rented the place.

- Yeah.

Clarence, now that I'm your
landlord, I do not want you

to hesitate to complain
if there's something

wrong with the apartment
just because we're friends.

- Alright man, I won't.
- Great.

- Everything seems just fine.

- Alright.

- There is one thing though.

In the shower, I noticed
I need a bigger soap dish.

- A bigger soap dish?

- Yeah, I'm a big man, I like large
soap.

That dish in the shower only
holds little Motel soaps.

- Why couldn't you use smaller soap?

- It's not my style, man.

- But large soap only
stays large for a while.

Then it becomes small soap.

- I throw it out when
the name washes away.

- Okay-

I'm gonna get you a new
large whale size soap dish.

Happy?

- [Woman] You shut your face!

- [Angry Woman] Oh, you
lousy sweat, I told you

to stay away from him.

You keep your claws off of my man's
back.

- [Woman] Oh, his back belongs to
me.

(arguing)

- You gals lock up when
you finish your discussion.

- Clarence, you got a double
header going in there?

- Unfortunately.

I was only scheduled for one game.

Let that be a lesson to you Harry.

Never give out two keys.

What's on for his morning?

- Guerrero's mistress.

Come on, we gotta go shake her
down.

- Oh, I wanna make one stop.

I gotta get the locks changed.

Gloria's coming in tonight.

- Gloria?

- Major piece of home cooking.

Here's a list of things I
want done in my apartment.

- Your toilet doesn't flush fast enough?

Look, Angela, we found
a kilo of cloud walk

in your apartment you've been
skimming off your old man.

You're lucky that
Johnny's dearly departed.

- He wasn't my old man.

I was his assistant.
- Yeah right.

Come in, go ahead

- What the hell's going on?

What are we doing here?

- All we wanna do is make a little stop.

- That's right.

It's a new public relations
policy at the SFPD.

We give you a complimentary
scenic tour of city facilities

right before we put you
in the county hotel.

- Give me a break.

- Well, all we wanna
know is who is the new

board of directors and places
to start looking, a name.

- I don't have to tell you guys
anything.

No deals.

Look, you popped me before.

I was out on two hours.

- You know something,
you're flat out right.

You get a good lawyer
and you're looking at

an overnight stay, tops.

- You're back on the
streets with a big smile

and then your number comes up.

And bingo, you are eliminated.

- That's right.

And you know what happens
when you get eliminated?

You never get to fully appreciate just
how

spectacular and gorgeous you
people look when you go down.

So here's Johnny.

- He's really a cutie, isn't he?

- Notice he's way above his
minimum daily requirement

of lead.

I think she'll talk when she comes to.

I'm just saying it's
great she gave us a name

but its a name we can't place

Jimmy Lennoxx, must be from out of
town.

Maybe a shooter from out of town.

We'd better find him before the
Guerreros

start kicking ass and taking names.

- Harry, stop talking shop.

I'm tending to weekend business.

- Okay, alright, I can respect that.

Why would anybody put a
stake bone down the drain?

- I thought you had a garbage
disposal.

I flipped on every switch in the place.

I didn't hear anything so I called you.

Oh, come on!

- You know it would be
nice if you gave me a hand.

- See you are the rentor
and I am the rentee.

In the lease it says the
rentee can sit on his behind

and watch basketball while
the rentor lies under a sink

with a greasy pipe in his hands.

Whoa, sweet moves, sweet moves!

Hey hey, hey, hey, where you goin'?

- The nine other things on your list

are all in the bathroom.

- Hold it.

I take a shower during
half-time, which is coming up

in exactly 10 seconds.

See, I got it down.

Shower, shave, everything.

14 minutes later, my cheeks
are back in this seat

30 seconds before tip of,
so you take a 15, okay?

OOps!

Five, four, three, two, one.

See you later.

~ God!

(dog whimpering)
(singing)

Shower, shave, everything.

You take 15.

God, I never should have rented to
him.

What a stupid mistake.

(singing)

Enjoy your shower Clarence.

(toilet flushing)

(screaming)
(laughing)

(screaming)
(laughing)

Look at that, that's four quarters so
far.

Give me two more.

- No, I'm not gonna give you two
more.

That's eight bits you owe me.

I need these quarters for washing.

And by the way, your dryer doesn't
work.

- Consider those quarters
a tip for all the time

I've spent at your place.

Come on McNeil.

Oh, look at this.

I told you, it's always the third time.

I knew that was gonna happen.

Thanks a lot McNeil.

And by the way, why did I
have to drive this morning?

- I'm tired, I slept on
the couch last night.

- I'm tired too.

I listened to running water
coming from downstairs

all night long.

- [Clarence] I was
filling up my water bed.

That's why I slept on the sofa.

- Officers McNeil, Hooperman.

I'm Jason Sugarman of
Sugarman Silver and Adler.

It's come to my attention
you've been beating the bushes

for one Jimmy Lennoxx.

He's my client.

Now, Mr. Lennoxx has
absolutely nothing to hide.

He wants to cooperate fully with you.

And we thought a meeting
might just help clear the air.

- So where is your client?

- Oh, he's here.

He's in the parking garage.

- After you.

- Okay-

- By the way how did this
beating the bushes thing

come to your attention?

- I told you, I'm Jason Sugarman.

- He did tell us.

(whistling)

- Yeah, well, this is
definitely a Mr. Big ride.

- Definitely a bullet proof, John.

(knocking)

- Where's your client?

- This is my client.

Gentlemen, Jimmy Lennoxx.

- How do you do?

Please, come in.

I can handle this.

Wanna play?

- No.

- I've gotten past all the
warp zones on this one.

I'm on level eight.

I think that princess is at the end of

water world sea.

- We're not here to play games,
Jimmy.

We have it on pretty good
authority that you were one

of Johnny Guerrerds biggest buyers.

- Don't know nobody named Guerrero.

Is he a criminal or something?

- Yeah, he was.

Somebody iced him on your turf.

We wanna know who.

- Guys, guys, I'm just a kid
here, playing video games,

having a little trouble with algebra.

- You're playing in the big school, boy.

We are not juvenile officers.

We are cops.

We are grown men and we are mean.

- I think what inspector
McNeil is implying

that is if you mess with
us, you're gonna suffer

some serious setbacks.

- Look, I don't know this Guerrero guy.

But why should I help you guys?

You guys ain't never done nothing for
me.

- We're not gonna back off.

You're gonna talk now or
you're gonna talk later.

You're dirty, I know it.

I bet you wasted Guerrero.

- I told you, I'm clean.

- Yeah.

- But you guys can't touch me
anyway.

I'm only 15.

I'll be out by the time I'm 17.

- You'll be dead by the time you're 25.

- Gentlemen, this deal is finished.

- It's not over.

- How long you had that game?

- A month.

- I freed the princess in a week.

- [T. J] It's two in the morning.

- [Harry] I know, I'll handle it.

- It sounds like they're bowling in
there.

- Yeah, with cats.

- Oh, hi.

- McNeil.

What the hell is going on?

- It'sjust a little thank
God it's Wednesday party.

Why don't you girls go
on inside and check out

the cocktail Weenies alright?

T. J, Rudy, hey look, the
cold cuts are in there.

And the hot stuff is all over the place.

- McNeil, this is nuts.

You're making too much noise.

You got people in the hall.

We've got rules here and, and

why wasn't I invited?

- Itsjust an ad lib.

When I really give a party,
you'll be the first person

invited.

- My tenants are mad and upset.

- Who's complaining?

- T. J and Rudy.

- I think we may have been a little
hasty.

I've been talking to
Sheila here about your man.

He's heavy, very heavy.

- This is the best Rumaki
I have ever tasted.

Yummy.

- You just can't keep your
hands to yourself, can you?

I can't believe you to arrested again.

- They arrested Gandhi
200 times before they

listened to him.

- [Officer] Gang
disturbance, Lafayette Park.

- Look.

This place, it's got a Jacuzzi
just off the living room.

Seats 8 comfortably,
10 very uncomfortably.

Yeah, it's a real crib huh?

- You got to get it.

This is a Shangri-La,
underlying the Ia with

an ooo Ia Ia.

- Yeah well, I can't.

He's my partner, he's my friend.

He needs the money.

- 15 years old, can you believe that?

And I bet my badge his
gang wasted Guerrero.

- Well, I don't care if he's in Pampers.

I want him.

Stay on is tail, he'll make
a mistake, we'll get him.

- McNeil and I will jump right on it.

If he's ready.

- Something going on between you
two?

You come in lately, you
don't sit, you don't speak.

You're working on a detail here.

What is this?

- Ever since he's moved in,
he's been driving me nuts.

I mean the man's hormones
must be on Def-con Five.

He's a maniac, he's a hound.

There's parties.

I can't sleep.

This guy is up all hours of the night.

I don't know how he does it.

He's got my whole building
partying with him.

He's always complaining.

- Life's too short Hooperman.

Kick him out.

- I can't.

He's my partner, he's my friend.

- The best way to keep a
friendship alive, is honesty.

Just tell him the truth.

- Lie through you teeth.

- Come on McNeil, kid patrol.

- Okay, Fingers, you're sprung.

- Enough with the graphic humor.

I'm a doctor, I told you that.

- Oh, Albert.

I'm so sorry you had to go through
this.

- It's alright darling.

Thanks for the bail.

- Excuse me, just out of curiosity and
so

my concept of universe and how
it functions remains intact,

you're originally one of
the names on the complaint,

so what--

- Well, I came to my senses, I guess.

You see, Albert did a
reading on my husband and me.

And he was right.

We're getting a quickie divorce.

- Yeah, so?

- Well, while he was
holding me, he also was

doing a reading on himself.

We're getting married Tuesday.

(upbeat music)

- Hey come on, there's
an ash tray right here.

- You're throwing me
out, I can't believe it.

- No, I'm not.

I just think that your
lifestyle doesn't blend in

with the building's atmosphere.

- I go out of my way to help
you by renting the place

and three days later, you
throw me out into the streets.

- Come on, Clarence.

It's tough enough without the guilt trip.

Isn't that kid good.

- My own partner, my own
buddy and best friend

just tosses me into the gutter.

- Clarence, I will help
you find a new place, okay?

- No, forget it.

I already found a place.

Check the tah-tahs at Bullseye, man.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I just told you.

So you were gonna break the lease
anyway.

- No.

I just didn't think that
my lifestyle blended in

with the building's atmosphere.

- You were just gonna let
me feel guilty, right?

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- There's our little friend.

- Hey, that kid is good.

- Hey, give him some.
(applause)

(gun fires)

(upbeat music)

- Check him out, I'll take the bike.

- Okay-

(upbeat music)
(pandemonium)

- Freeze!

- Come here!

You have the right to remain silent--

- Save it!

I know the wrap.

- Well, well, your family
just can't seem to stay

out of handcuffs, can they?

You don't know how much
trouble you're in Mr. Guerrero.

- I'll be out by the time I'm 16.

- Come on.

(police siren)

- [Officer] Hey, get those people back.

(groaning)

- [Harry] Is he breathing?

- Yeah, it feels like broken ribs.

Maybe a bunch of them.
- Hands off me, pig!

- Bullet proof vest saved his bacon.

- I should have blown him away.

- Come here.

Here, I'll trade you.

Come here.

What's the matter with you tough guy?

Game get a little rough for you?

- Man, I gotta get to a hospital.

- Yeah, we'll get you an ambulance.

We're the police escort.

We want you to stay very healthy.

But we're gonna give him
the star treatment too.

I figure one of you punks
is gonna give me what I need

on the other one.

I'm betting on him to roll over first

cause its obvious he doesn't like you.

(writhing)

Oh it hurts, huh?

Oh, hey come on, I'm sorry.

But kid you got lucky today.

You can learn from the pain.

And if I were you, as soon
as they finish gluing up

those ribs, I'd come see me.

Cause I'm the only friend you got pal.

Come on, come on, got him?

- Alright, come on hotshot.

- Say something to remind me that life
has

an upside.

- Well, I'm giving you
back your cleaning deposit.

(saxophone music)

- Well, it's probably for the best.

- We were getting on each other's
nerves

pretty good there.

- It'll probably be better at work

- It's got to be.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Remember me?

Yolanda Stit.

- Oh yeah.

Nick Derringer's assistant.

- Yeah, that's temporarily on hold but

I can't believe you remembered me.

So is this the apartment for rent?

- Ah, well.

- Oh, its not for me.

I don't need one.

No, its for my girlfriend.

Yeah, she just broke
up with her boyfriend.

Well, actually he's used to my
boyfriend

but that's along story and I really

don't wanna go into that.

She stole hlm when I was
at a Star Trek convention.

That was the second time she did
that.

(toilet flushing)
(screaming)

Oh, it's not like she
means to or anything, no.

It's just that we're
best friends and we share

the same tastes over and over and
oven

Does that happen often?

- He only showers once a month.

- Oh you know what?

I think that this place
would just be perfect for her

because she likes to entertain my
friends.

Actually, she would love this place.

So I'll take it.

(laughing)

- He works in strange ways.

(saxophone music)