Original subtitles

- Mrs. Murphy, I've got some great news for you.

Uh huh.

Ah yes, the apartment just became available again.

Ah, well, I could come down a little.

Pets?

Yeah, pets are okay.

Just as long as their tail is less than three feet.

Great, so you're definitely interested.

How many children?

And their ages?

Four, three, one and a half

six months?

Ah.

Well, including first and last and security

it'll be 35,000 dollars.

Thank you very much.

- Hello, this is McNeil.

What?

You gotta be kidding.

You said we were gonna win this in court.

So how long do I have?

Thank you.

Dammit.

- You're to upset, are you Clarence?

- My place has going condo and I gotta be out in two weeks.

- What is going in this city?

The same thing happened to me.

My building was condemned last year.

I was the only one that didn't know.

I never got the notice.

I found out the hard way.

Awrecking ball came through my bathroom.

Well, I'm sure you'll find another swell place real soon.

Good luck!

- Thanks a lot.

- Clarence McNeil, this is your luckiest of days ever.

You are the first man to hear this offer today.

Smith's apartment just became available again.

- Harry, I appreciate it, but your building just isn't me.

There is no Jacuzzi, there is no pool room, there is

no satellite dish, there is no patio for belly rubbing

on the weekend.

- We're getting all that.

Apparently you didn't receive your brochure in the mail.

- This is a complete outrage.

I'm a doctor, I'm a man of medicine.

- Will you rest your jaw and sit down'?

- Ma'am, you look like someone who's education is beyond

that of street cop.

Could you tell them to release me?

- What do we have here?

- Lewd and lascivious.

- We have at least eight complaints from patients.

- Hogwash.

I'm a compatibility consultant.

I'm trained to improve people's sexuality.

- He's a mystical twit.

- Dr. Wexler reads a couples private parts by holding them

and sees if they are right for each other.

- It's a burgeoning field.

- I bet it is.

- Dr. Wexler?

What are you doing here?

Does this mean our Tuesday appointment is a bust?

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- McNeil, there's no downside to a deal like this.

You can't possibly go wrong.

Come on.

- Look Harry, I think it's better to give someone else

a move in there.

- You're better off pal.

Never rent to somebody you know.

Nothing but trouble.

Years ago, my dad rented our back room to his brother.

My mother is now also my aunt.

- Hooperman, that was the coroner.

He's got a cold one on ice.

He thinks maybe Johnny Guerrero.

You and McNeil there and ID him.

- We're gone, McNeil!

McNeil, where else are you gonna find a place

for that kind of money?

- Have some respect.

We're among the recently boxed.

Would you imagine that Moore guy asking us

if we were gonna get sick?

- Like we've never seen a stiff before.

(gasping)

Mr. Johnny Guerrero down for a dirt nap.

Looks like we got a hostile takeover on our hands.

It's gonna be war out there.

The Guerreros do not like to franchise their crack houses.

- Shot him up pretty good. - Yeah.

- Are we sure it's Guerrero?

- One way to find out.

Family tattoo.

Yup.

Every Guerrero has one of these in the inside

of their right arm.

Even grandma Guerrero.

- Looks like he absorbed the whole magazine.

That's some heavy ventilation.

- Speaking of ventilation, that's another

great selling point on the apartment.

You know, its right on the corner, it's got

this cross breeze coming off from the bay

and in Knob Hill.

You never need air conditioning.

- Ham'-

Would you stop the sales pitch?

- All right, fine.

Hey, I don't need to push this.

This is a great apartment, it'll go in a minute.

I could give you a break on the price.

No first and last and 50 dollars offa month.

- It sounds good.

- You mean you'll take it?

- I'll think about it.

- Come on, McNeil, don't mess with me.

Really, you're gonna think about it?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll come and take a look at it again.

- Talk to me, alright.

Let's get rid of this guy.

- We've got a major player out there.

Nobody messes with a Guerrero.

- You're gonna love this place McNeil.

Did I tell you it's a historical building?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I think John Sutter lost his virginity there during

the gold rush.

Oh, Clarence, isn't this great?

Look at this, all your stuff fits in perfectly.

- Harry, you an stop the Mary Tyler war act.

I rented the place.

- Yeah.

Clarence, now that I'm your landlord, I do not want you

to hesitate to complain if there's something

wrong with the apartment just because we're friends.

- Alright man, I won't. - Great.

- Everything seems just fine.

- Alright.

- There is one thing though.

In the shower, I noticed I need a bigger soap dish.

- A bigger soap dish?

- Yeah, I'm a big man, I like large soap.

That dish in the shower only holds little Motel soaps.

- Why couldn't you use smaller soap?

- It's not my style, man.

- But large soap only stays large for a while.

Then it becomes small soap.

- I throw it out when the name washes away.

- Okay-

I'm gonna get you a new large whale size soap dish.

Happy?

- [Woman] You shut your face!

- [Angry Woman] Oh, you lousy sweat, I told you

to stay away from him.

You keep your claws off of my man's back.

- [Woman] Oh, his back belongs to me.

(arguing)

- You gals lock up when you finish your discussion.

- Clarence, you got a double header going in there?

- Unfortunately.

I was only scheduled for one game.

Let that be a lesson to you Harry.

Never give out two keys.

What's on for his morning?

- Guerrero's mistress.

Come on, we gotta go shake her down.

- Oh, I wanna make one stop.

I gotta get the locks changed.

Gloria's coming in tonight.

- Gloria?

- Major piece of home cooking.

Here's a list of things I want done in my apartment.

- Your toilet doesn't flush fast enough?

Look, Angela, we found a kilo of cloud walk

in your apartment you've been skimming off your old man.

You're lucky that Johnny's dearly departed.

- He wasn't my old man.

I was his assistant. - Yeah right.

Come in, go ahead

- What the hell's going on?

What are we doing here?

- All we wanna do is make a little stop.

- That's right.

It's a new public relations policy at the SFPD.

We give you a complimentary scenic tour of city facilities

right before we put you in the county hotel.

- Give me a break.

- Well, all we wanna know is who is the new

board of directors and places to start looking, a name.

- I don't have to tell you guys anything.

No deals.

Look, you popped me before.

I was out on two hours.

- You know something, you're flat out right.

You get a good lawyer and you're looking at

an overnight stay, tops.

- You're back on the streets with a big smile

and then your number comes up.

And bingo, you are eliminated.

- That's right.

And you know what happens when you get eliminated?

You never get to fully appreciate just how

spectacular and gorgeous you people look when you go down.

So here's Johnny.

- He's really a cutie, isn't he?

- Notice he's way above his minimum daily requirement

of lead.

I think she'll talk when she comes to.

I'm just saying it's great she gave us a name

but its a name we can't place

Jimmy Lennoxx, must be from out of town.

Maybe a shooter from out of town.

We'd better find him before the Guerreros

start kicking ass and taking names.

- Harry, stop talking shop.

I'm tending to weekend business.

- Okay, alright, I can respect that.

Why would anybody put a stake bone down the drain?

- I thought you had a garbage disposal.

I flipped on every switch in the place.

I didn't hear anything so I called you.

Oh, come on!

- You know it would be nice if you gave me a hand.

- See you are the rentor and I am the rentee.

In the lease it says the rentee can sit on his behind

and watch basketball while the rentor lies under a sink

with a greasy pipe in his hands.

Whoa, sweet moves, sweet moves!

Hey hey, hey, hey, where you goin'?

- The nine other things on your list

are all in the bathroom.

- Hold it.

I take a shower during half-time, which is coming up

in exactly 10 seconds.

See, I got it down.

Shower, shave, everything.

14 minutes later, my cheeks are back in this seat

30 seconds before tip of, so you take a 15, okay?

OOps!

Five, four, three, two, one.

See you later.

~ God!

(dog whimpering) (singing)

Shower, shave, everything.

You take 15.

God, I never should have rented to him.

What a stupid mistake.

(singing)

Enjoy your shower Clarence.

(toilet flushing)

(screaming) (laughing)

(screaming) (laughing)

Look at that, that's four quarters so far.

Give me two more.

- No, I'm not gonna give you two more.

That's eight bits you owe me.

I need these quarters for washing.

And by the way, your dryer doesn't work.

- Consider those quarters a tip for all the time

I've spent at your place.

Come on McNeil.

Oh, look at this.

I told you, it's always the third time.

I knew that was gonna happen.

Thanks a lot McNeil.

And by the way, why did I have to drive this morning?

- I'm tired, I slept on the couch last night.

- I'm tired too.

I listened to running water coming from downstairs

all night long.

- [Clarence] I was filling up my water bed.

That's why I slept on the sofa.

- Officers McNeil, Hooperman.

I'm Jason Sugarman of Sugarman Silver and Adler.

It's come to my attention you've been beating the bushes

for one Jimmy Lennoxx.

He's my client.

Now, Mr. Lennoxx has absolutely nothing to hide.

He wants to cooperate fully with you.

And we thought a meeting might just help clear the air.

- So where is your client?

- Oh, he's here.

He's in the parking garage.

- After you.

- Okay-

- By the way how did this beating the bushes thing

come to your attention?

- I told you, I'm Jason Sugarman.

- He did tell us.

(whistling)

- Yeah, well, this is definitely a Mr. Big ride.

- Definitely a bullet proof, John.

(knocking)

- Where's your client?

- This is my client.

Gentlemen, Jimmy Lennoxx.

- How do you do?

Please, come in.

I can handle this.

Wanna play?

- No.

- I've gotten past all the warp zones on this one.

I'm on level eight.

I think that princess is at the end of

water world sea.

- We're not here to play games, Jimmy.

We have it on pretty good authority that you were one

of Johnny Guerrerds biggest buyers.

- Don't know nobody named Guerrero.

Is he a criminal or something?

- Yeah, he was.

Somebody iced him on your turf.

We wanna know who.

- Guys, guys, I'm just a kid here, playing video games,

having a little trouble with algebra.

- You're playing in the big school, boy.

We are not juvenile officers.

We are cops.

We are grown men and we are mean.

- I think what inspector McNeil is implying

that is if you mess with us, you're gonna suffer

some serious setbacks.

- Look, I don't know this Guerrero guy.

But why should I help you guys?

You guys ain't never done nothing for me.

- We're not gonna back off.

You're gonna talk now or you're gonna talk later.

You're dirty, I know it.

I bet you wasted Guerrero.

- I told you, I'm clean.

- Yeah.

- But you guys can't touch me anyway.

I'm only 15.

I'll be out by the time I'm 17.

- You'll be dead by the time you're 25.

- Gentlemen, this deal is finished.

- It's not over.

- How long you had that game?

- A month.

- I freed the princess in a week.

- [T. J] It's two in the morning.

- [Harry] I know, I'll handle it.

- It sounds like they're bowling in there.

- Yeah, with cats.

- Oh, hi.

- McNeil.

What the hell is going on?

- It'sjust a little thank God it's Wednesday party.

Why don't you girls go on inside and check out

the cocktail Weenies alright?

T. J, Rudy, hey look, the cold cuts are in there.

And the hot stuff is all over the place.

- McNeil, this is nuts.

You're making too much noise.

You got people in the hall.

We've got rules here and, and

why wasn't I invited?

- Itsjust an ad lib.

When I really give a party, you'll be the first person

invited.

- My tenants are mad and upset.

- Who's complaining?

- T. J and Rudy.

- I think we may have been a little hasty.

I've been talking to Sheila here about your man.

He's heavy, very heavy.

- This is the best Rumaki I have ever tasted.

Yummy.

- You just can't keep your hands to yourself, can you?

I can't believe you to arrested again.

- They arrested Gandhi 200 times before they

listened to him.

- [Officer] Gang disturbance, Lafayette Park.

- Look.

This place, it's got a Jacuzzi just off the living room.

Seats 8 comfortably, 10 very uncomfortably.

Yeah, it's a real crib huh?

- You got to get it.

This is a Shangri-La, underlying the Ia with

an ooo Ia Ia.

- Yeah well, I can't.

He's my partner, he's my friend.

He needs the money.

- 15 years old, can you believe that?

And I bet my badge his gang wasted Guerrero.

- Well, I don't care if he's in Pampers.

I want him.

Stay on is tail, he'll make a mistake, we'll get him.

- McNeil and I will jump right on it.

If he's ready.

- Something going on between you two?

You come in lately, you don't sit, you don't speak.

You're working on a detail here.

What is this?

- Ever since he's moved in, he's been driving me nuts.

I mean the man's hormones must be on Def-con Five.

He's a maniac, he's a hound.

There's parties.

I can't sleep.

This guy is up all hours of the night.

I don't know how he does it.

He's got my whole building partying with him.

He's always complaining.

- Life's too short Hooperman.

Kick him out.

- I can't.

He's my partner, he's my friend.

- The best way to keep a friendship alive, is honesty.

Just tell him the truth.

- Lie through you teeth.

- Come on McNeil, kid patrol.

- Okay, Fingers, you're sprung.

- Enough with the graphic humor.

I'm a doctor, I told you that.

- Oh, Albert.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

- It's alright darling.

Thanks for the bail.

- Excuse me, just out of curiosity and so

my concept of universe and how it functions remains intact,

you're originally one of the names on the complaint,

so what--

- Well, I came to my senses, I guess.

You see, Albert did a reading on my husband and me.

And he was right.

We're getting a quickie divorce.

- Yeah, so?

- Well, while he was holding me, he also was

doing a reading on himself.

We're getting married Tuesday.

(upbeat music)

- Hey come on, there's an ash tray right here.

- You're throwing me out, I can't believe it.

- No, I'm not.

I just think that your lifestyle doesn't blend in

with the building's atmosphere.

- I go out of my way to help you by renting the place

and three days later, you throw me out into the streets.

- Come on, Clarence.

It's tough enough without the guilt trip.

Isn't that kid good.

- My own partner, my own buddy and best friend

just tosses me into the gutter.

- Clarence, I will help you find a new place, okay?

- No, forget it.

I already found a place.

Check the tah-tahs at Bullseye, man.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I just told you.

So you were gonna break the lease anyway.

- No.

I just didn't think that my lifestyle blended in

with the building's atmosphere.

- You were just gonna let me feel guilty, right?

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- There's our little friend.

- Hey, that kid is good.

- Hey, give him some. (applause)

(gun fires)

(upbeat music)

- Check him out, I'll take the bike.

- Okay-

(upbeat music) (pandemonium)

- Freeze!

- Come here!

You have the right to remain silent--

- Save it!

I know the wrap.

- Well, well, your family just can't seem to stay

out of handcuffs, can they?

You don't know how much trouble you're in Mr. Guerrero.

- I'll be out by the time I'm 16.

- Come on.

(police siren)

- [Officer] Hey, get those people back.

(groaning)

- [Harry] Is he breathing?

- Yeah, it feels like broken ribs.

Maybe a bunch of them. - Hands off me, pig!

- Bullet proof vest saved his bacon.

- I should have blown him away.

- Come here.

Here, I'll trade you.

Come here.

What's the matter with you tough guy?

Game get a little rough for you?

- Man, I gotta get to a hospital.

- Yeah, we'll get you an ambulance.

We're the police escort.

We want you to stay very healthy.

But we're gonna give him the star treatment too.

I figure one of you punks is gonna give me what I need

on the other one.

I'm betting on him to roll over first

cause its obvious he doesn't like you.

(writhing)

Oh it hurts, huh?

Oh, hey come on, I'm sorry.

But kid you got lucky today.

You can learn from the pain.

And if I were you, as soon as they finish gluing up

those ribs, I'd come see me.

Cause I'm the only friend you got pal.

Come on, come on, got him?

- Alright, come on hotshot.

- Say something to remind me that life has

an upside.

- Well, I'm giving you back your cleaning deposit.

(saxophone music)

- Well, it's probably for the best.

- We were getting on each other's nerves

pretty good there.

- It'll probably be better at work

- It's got to be.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Remember me?

Yolanda Stit.

- Oh yeah.

Nick Derringer's assistant.

- Yeah, that's temporarily on hold but

I can't believe you remembered me.

So is this the apartment for rent?

- Ah, well.

- Oh, its not for me.

I don't need one.

No, its for my girlfriend.

Yeah, she just broke up with her boyfriend.

Well, actually he's used to my boyfriend

but that's along story and I really

don't wanna go into that.

She stole hlm when I was at a Star Trek convention.

That was the second time she did that.

(toilet flushing) (screaming)

Oh, it's not like she means to or anything, no.

It's just that we're best friends and we share

the same tastes over and over and oven

Does that happen often?

- He only showers once a month.

- Oh you know what?

I think that this place would just be perfect for her

because she likes to entertain my friends.

Actually, she would love this place.

So I'll take it.

(laughing)

- He works in strange ways.

(saxophone music)