Original subtitles

- This is it, this is it.

- Beat out two little old lady collectors

on the Sausalito Ferry.

- No I didn't, I sank it, they're now treading water.

- 100 bucks.

- You said 60 over the phone.

- Must've been a bad connection.

- My life is complete.

(screaming, screeching)

Oh no.

Halt, police!

(upbeat rock music)

(anxious violin tones)

(anxious guitar tones)

(gunshot booms, grunt)

J1 April love

J1 Is for the very young

J1 Every star's a wishing star

J1 That shines for you

J1 April love

J1 Is all the seven wonders

- Hi Hooperman.

Welcome to Hell.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- [Celeste] Tell me again how he was acting.

- Like an idiot. - Excited.

- And he was sneaking out to do what, McNeil?

- He was vague.

- Describe vague, Pritzger.

- Said he was off to ride the gravity wave

with Victor Buzzbomb of the Moon Patrol,

but he'd be back in 15 minutes.

- Who is Victor Buzzbomb?

Anybody?

Never mind, I don't take chances with missing cops.

Put out an APB. - Yeah.

- When you find him, bring him to me.

I'm going to take great personal

pleasure in burning his butt.

- [Rick] Wow.

- Like 'em?

- They're terrific but I don't get it,

it's not my birthday.

- It's our anniversary

as a team a year ago today.

- Oh jeez.

I guess I forgot.

- Hey it's okay, I'm sentimental.

I just wanted to say you're

the best partner a cop could have.

- Officer Silardi, see me before the end of

the day about your transfer and congratulations.

- Captain?

- Your application to the Patrol Bureau, it came through.

Starting tomorrow, you're outta here.

- I got it, the Task Force?

All right.

- Task Force, you applied? - Yeah.

- Rick, that's great.

Congratulations.

- Thanks.

- I'll see you at the car.

- Do I understand Officer Silardi that your partner

was unaware that you're breaking up the team?

- It didn't even occur to me-- - Have a nice day.

Fl Away

(relaxed flute, violin music)

- How about we skip the record this time and talk?

- Sure.

Why not?

- That kid missed me clean.

- Au contraire, mon ami.

He drilled you right between the eyes.

He took out the whole back of your head.

- Great stalactite.

I could never get the water-paste ratio right.

What's your name?

- I'm the Devil himself.

- I mean what do they call you at work?

- You really don't believe you're in Hell, do you?

- If you could just take the chains off,

my wrists are starting to hurt

and my head feels like it hurts too.

Some aspirin and a cooler room would do fine.

- I've got you until the end of time, Chuck.

Comprende?

No reprieves, no filibusters

and no coffee breaks.

What did you think of Lee Marvin

in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance?

- What?

- Lee Marvin, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

Did he strike you as being the Devil himself?

- Listen man, I'm a police officer.

You had better take these chains off

before you get yourself in serious trouble.

- V\/hat's the last think you remember, Hooperman?

Uh, the gun barrel pointed at your head.

Shattering discharge.

Oh you're dead, dipstick.

- This isn't really happening.

- That's what they all say.

- I'm in a hospital somewhere either

coming out of a coma or going into one.

- Today, April Love.

Tomorrow, The Village People.

- [Dispatcher] All units vicinity 4950 Balboa,

Code 211 in progress,

suspect wearing brown coat, khaki pants.

- That's a block away.

- [Rick] That's him.

(sirens blaring)

- Hey!

- [Bystander] Down the alley.

(clanking)

(scream)

(grunting, thudding)

- You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will

be used against you in a court of law.

- [Devil] And here's a fine example

of neo-modern Spanish range style.

- You showed this one, I hate this house.

- Oh, here's a popular one. - Who's the kid?

- Who, him?

Nobody, just a stinkin' little piece of dirt.

- Hold it go back, wait I like that house.

What do you think that one would go for?

- That house is not for sale.

The kid was playing with matches, burned it down.

He'll go to Hell.

- No kidding, sounds like you know him.

- [Devil] I'm the Devil, I know everybody.

It comes with the job.

(carnival whistling)

- [Harry] You son of a--

- Here's a personal favorite.

- You say I'm in Hell?

Then you tell me why I'm in Hell, gimme specifics.

Gimme details of my life that only Satan would know.

- I was there when you said the F-word for the first time.

For your first cigarette.

- You come down here every day, don't you?

You sit over there and reign in Hell and I

just happened to be running down a purse snatcher,

I almost got my brains blown out.

I get smashed unconscious and you just

happened to come by and drag me down here.

This isn't a coma, it's too crazy.

- How about the turtle, the one your mother bought you?

And you put it in the fish tank and it kept trying

to fight its way to the surface only you kept

pushing his little head down into the water

but it was a land turtle and so in the end,

you drowned it.

What did that turtle ever do to you?

(crashing, electric crackling)

Nothing less in this God-forsaken heat.

- It wasn't a turtle.

- What?

- It was an ant farm, I got it for my birthday.

The ants were too slow so I got bored and I took 'em

out a few at a time and hit 'em with a plastic hammer.

- You know what I like best about sin?

It's so damn permanent.

I'm going to play April Love 25 times.

Then I'm going to pull out the bones in your feet.

(ominous violin, guitar tones)

- I feel great, I feel terrific, I feel what?

- Pumped?

- Sit down, slimeball.

It's like what the old timers are always talking about.

I never knew what they meant, it's incredible.

I feel spit bubbles.

That's what this guy let out when you

took him down Rick, spit bubbles like

when the pro tackle sacks the quarterback.

- [Rick] Well we had a fight with a dirtbag, it was not sex.

- Yeah?

You're never gonna beat what we had out there today.

- I'm not going to change my mind about the transfer.

I want to see the world!

- Officer Silardi, for you.

- Thank you, any word on Harry?

- Not a whisper.

- He ain't been home, hasn't called his Auto Club,

didn't have lunch at the usual hangouts

and hasn't been to any other Division.

- He's also not in the hospital or the morgue.

Come on Harry, come on.

- Remember when Zimmerman was missing two days in '84

and everybody was convinced it was foul play except me

who had a feeling he was okay?

- You have that same feeling again?

- Nah.

- We should be out looking but where?

Who do we interrogate?

We don't have a single thing to go on.

- You do too, you got a name, Victor Buzzbomb.

- Of the Moon Patrol?

- Hey, I'll call the FBI.

- No wait a minute, she has a point.

The name has to mean something like

a kiddies show or a breakfast cereal.

- Okay, I'll call Buffalo Bob.

- Why don't you call the Public Library?

J1 So if she

J1 If she's the one

J1 Don't let her run

fl Away

(laughs)

- Boone Mania.

- That's it.

- Wait man, the band was just getting into it.

What do you say, 25 more times?

- Are you sure?

Postponing pain around here only makes it worse.

V\/hat's that? - It's nothing, don't.

- There is no reading material allowed in Hell!

This is a comic book.

- Victor Buzzbomb.

- Yes, of the Moon Patrol.

The guy with the Neutrino Beam and the double mohawk.

- It's Issue 12, it's the hardest to find.

- Right, the one where he gets married.

- I've been lookin' for it since I was nine.

- Ooh, nice bazooms on the Ice Queen from Pluto.

- What?

No.

(gunshots booming)

- Comics are sinful.

(laughs)

- Maybe you're right, why can't this be Hell huh?

I mean so what if it looks like prom night in a psycho

ward and you're some pinhead in a costume mom made.

(laughs)

I'm not enjoying myself, why can't I be dead?

(laughs)

- You're trying to get outta this, aren't you?

- I didn't mean to hurt the ants, I was a kid.

I'm sorry.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're sorry.

Everybody's sorry.

You oughta hear the excuses I get down here.

"My pastor is too liberal.

"My dog ate my catechism."

You know what the worst excuse of all is?

"My parents did, my parents."

What kind of a dirty,

lonesome triple damn son of a bitch

would blame his parents, Harold?

Okay-

Over again 25 more times.

Then we Begin the Beguine.

- I understand, really I do.

Smart move.

Task Force work will get you ahead faster than anything.

Hard to get into, you must've really

impressed the Application Committee, Rick.

- Yeah well I've changed my mind.

- What?

- I'm turning down the assignment.

Everything you said is true, we're a team.

- Rick--

- Look, I'll have other opportunities to move up.

Right now I belong right here with you.

The best damn partner that a jerk like me could ever have.

- Let's go find some heads to bust.

- We got our man. - Hooperman?

- Victor Buzzbomb of the Moon Patrol.

- It's an underground comic book hero

published in the '50s, it only lasted 12 issues.

- Maybe I should give this detail to Roger Rabbit.

- The comics are a collector's item

and we figured he went to buy one.

- We're puttin' together a list of dealers,

there's a slew of 'em.

- He couldn't read Little Lulu like the rest of us?

- Excuse me, there's someone here

I think you all want to meet.

- I just wanted to know if that nice young man

with the comic book has returned my purse yet?

- So then the idea you see is to match

physical abnormalities with famous movie stars,

like Mae West would be menopause, get it?

Men, no pause and Esther Williams is hydrophobia.

So then when you get five abnormalities

with their stars, then you can advance to--

(crashing)

- They say it helps to think about

something else while it's happening.

A good suggestion is to pretend

you're skinny dipping with Jacques Cousteau.

Let's take off your shoes.

- Touch me and you'll die!

I'm the Devil, that's right, me.

Touch me and you'll burn in Hell.

- You're not the Devil--

- Look at me, I'm the guy who

took your lunch money at school.

I'm the one who called you fatso,

lardo, piggy, tubby-

- If you could only hear how ridiculous you sound.

- I made you buy all those comic books,

the one you had hidden in your back closet.

- No I didn't. - And the dirty magazine.

- You're not the Devil! - And the turtle!

Remember, remember the look on its face

when you kept pushing it down under the water, huh?

What a joke.

- Stop it, shut up, shut up.

- But the most fun was when you burned down your own house.

- If you're the Devil, then get outta those chains.

- I don't want to, I'm having too much fun.

I want you to think you're safe when the truth is

I could smash your wormy little face any time I wanted to.

I am the Devil and you're not!

- Why don't we let fire decide?

(flame hissing)

Fire's the Devil's friend.

(flame hissing)

- Okay, ix de on the Devil bit

but I got news for you, Chuck.

It's not working for you either,

you're gonna die in here with me.

Oh God, your parents.

Your parents were in that house.

They died in the fire you started.

- It was an accident. - Okay, it was an accident.

You didn't mean to hurt them.

You were playing with matches and the whole

thing was an accident but what about me?

You believe in Hell, then that means you gotta believe

in Heaven too and you know your parents are in Heaven

and they've already forgiven you for

the accident but they'll never forgive this.

This time you're gonna go to Hell for sure.

Are you prepared to me the real Devil?

What's it gonna be, huh?

- It's hers all right,

I figure Harry chased the guy in here.

- But where is he now?

(sniffing)

What's wrong?

- Do you smell something burning?

- Call the Fire Department.

- You can't go down there.

- I think I see somebody.

Harry?

- Jeez, how deep does that basement go?

- I still can't get over it Rick, you changing your mind

and all I got you for an anniversary

present was a crummy pair of gloves.

- Hey I heard they found Harry, is he okay?

- He's on his way in.

Something very strange is going on.

- I love you, Rick.

I mean that in a professional, out-on-the-street,

you-and-me-against-everybody sort of way, we're a team.

- Officer Silardi, I'm sorry about that

snafu downtown but we need you here anyway.

- What?

- Do I understand that you didn't tell your

partner that the Bureau assignment fell through?

Have a wonderful rest of your life.

- Oh wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know it was the wrong thing to do

but I wanted you to take me back.

I wanted us to be the way we were even if I had to lie--

- Rick, if I didn't love you so much I would wish

that an elephant would stomp your guts to rancid gravy!

- You're lucky she's sentimental, she'll get over it.

- Little late for Halloween, isn't it Harry?

- [Officer] V\/hat's the charge,

impersonating a Satanic being?

- Where you been Harry, Hell and back?

- Hooperman,

are you okay?

- Yeah I think so.

- Good, then where the hell have you been?

I haven't got enough trouble,

I have to have cops out looking for other cops?

- Captain Stern, the Devil himself.

- Remember in the second grade when you

showed your underpants to the kid down the block?

- I couldn't help it.

It was windy.

(relaxed jazzy trumpet music)

- Lettuce.

Pepperoni

and half a milk dud.

Salad,

entree,

dessert.

Bon appetite.

(relaxed jazzy trumpet music)

(dramatic trumpet jingle)