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1
00:00:01,451 --> 00:00:04,921
(instrumental jazz music)
2
00:00:08,058 --> 00:00:10,002
- I don't believe it, I ordered mustard,
3
00:00:10,026 --> 00:00:11,037
now where's the mustard?
4
00:00:11,061 --> 00:00:12,772
- What do you think?
5
00:00:12,796 --> 00:00:14,507
Well, I think I recognize some--
6
00:00:14,531 --> 00:00:16,042
Yep, roast beef, right there.
7
00:00:16,066 --> 00:00:18,511
- Those guys never get it right.
8
00:00:18,535 --> 00:00:20,279
- You know what, you just
got hip to the system,
9
00:00:20,303 --> 00:00:22,214
if you want mustard, you order mayo,
10
00:00:22,238 --> 00:00:25,051
if you want coleslaw,
you order potato salad,
11
00:00:25,075 --> 00:00:27,486
if you want a decent sandwich,
you go someplace else.
12
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:29,021
Let's go someplace else.
13
00:00:29,045 --> 00:00:30,623
- I knew when I saw
the new management sign
14
00:00:30,647 --> 00:00:32,058
the place had good ambiance.
15
00:00:32,082 --> 00:00:32,890
- Ah, man.
16
00:00:34,050 --> 00:00:37,129
- Oh, McNeil, tuck your
wire down into your bra,
17
00:00:37,153 --> 00:00:39,465
and balance your boobs.
18
00:00:39,489 --> 00:00:42,034
I'd like to end this detail tonight!
19
00:00:42,058 --> 00:00:43,669
I want that slasher in lockup,
20
00:00:43,693 --> 00:00:46,172
and I want my men out of chiffon.
21
00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:47,807
- I know what you mean, I for one,
22
00:00:47,831 --> 00:00:49,642
am tired of shaving my legs.
23
00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:51,477
- You shaved your legs?
24
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:52,545
- Didn't you?
25
00:00:52,569 --> 00:00:54,914
- I don't want you to take this lightly.
26
00:00:54,938 --> 00:00:58,818
This psycho has already
put away two transvestites.
27
00:00:58,842 --> 00:01:00,653
You're gonna be vulnerable out there.
28
00:01:00,677 --> 00:01:04,256
Oh, and one more thing, if
it comes to a foot chase,
29
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,993
kick off your shoes and
yank up your pantyhose,
30
00:01:07,017 --> 00:01:10,696
a sagging crotch could cost you the
race.
31
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:11,731
- I think General Patton said that
32
00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,200
just before he slapped that soldier.
33
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:16,068
- Come on, let's go powder our nose.
34
00:01:16,092 --> 00:01:17,403
- Hooperman, your slip is showing.
35
00:01:17,427 --> 00:01:18,838
- It's supposed to!
36
00:01:18,862 --> 00:01:19,670
- Slut.
37
00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:24,367
(upbeat music with saxophone)
38
00:02:23,827 --> 00:02:25,306
- Bijoux, I'm home!
39
00:02:27,297 --> 00:02:29,475
(whistling)
40
00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:30,307
am
41
00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:33,913
Hey, you wanna at least
pretend like you miss me?
42
00:02:33,937 --> 00:02:35,114
You Know, bark, wag your tail,
43
00:02:35,138 --> 00:02:37,116
you've seen other dogs do it.
44
00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:39,318
Bijoux! (whistles)
45
00:02:39,342 --> 00:02:41,787
Come get your rat chow.
46
00:02:41,811 --> 00:02:44,824
This is not funny, Bijoux, where are
you?
47
00:02:44,848 --> 00:02:46,759
Listen, I am not gonna beg you
48
00:02:46,783 --> 00:02:49,923
to come get your dinner, death breath.
49
00:02:51,488 --> 00:02:52,296
Damn!
50
00:02:53,623 --> 00:02:54,431
Bijoux!
51
00:02:56,159 --> 00:02:58,604
You know, this is really immature,
52
00:02:58,628 --> 00:03:02,441
even for someone as low on
the evolutionary scale as you.
53
00:03:02,465 --> 00:03:06,607
Okay, I didn't mean that,
just tell me, where are y--
54
00:03:08,138 --> 00:03:08,946
Bijoux?
55
00:03:12,709 --> 00:03:15,154
- You can always call me
when you forget something,
56
00:03:15,178 --> 00:03:17,456
like leaving the window open.
57
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,992
- It's hard to believe she
walked down the fire escape.
58
00:03:20,016 --> 00:03:22,328
- It's better than believing she jumped.
59
00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:24,296
- She's around, she wouldn't go far,
60
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,999
she's afraid of big dogs, and big cats,
61
00:03:27,023 --> 00:03:28,834
and little tiny spiders.
62
00:03:28,858 --> 00:03:29,668
- Who isn't?
63
00:03:29,692 --> 00:03:32,004
- Bijoux, come on out, come on girl.
64
00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:35,040
Greasy little gas bag, please!
(whistles)
65
00:03:35,064 --> 00:03:35,975
Bijoux!
66
00:03:35,999 --> 00:03:36,809
(whistles)
- I don't know why
67
00:03:36,833 --> 00:03:38,511
we're thrashing around in the dark,
68
00:03:38,535 --> 00:03:40,179
as soon as someone finds
her, they'll be able to
69
00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:42,481
contact you from her license.
70
00:03:42,505 --> 00:03:44,383
- She doesn't have a license.
71
00:03:44,407 --> 00:03:46,385
- Continue thrashing.
(sighs)
72
00:03:46,409 --> 00:03:47,553
- Bijoux! (whistling)
73
00:03:47,577 --> 00:03:49,188
- Tomorrow I'll make up some flyers
74
00:03:49,212 --> 00:03:51,190
and pass 'em around the
neighborhood.
75
00:03:51,214 --> 00:03:52,057
How much do you wanna offer?
76
00:03:52,081 --> 00:03:53,092
" Huh?
77
00:03:53,116 --> 00:03:54,727
- For the reward money!
78
00:03:54,751 --> 00:03:55,561
How much?
79
00:03:55,585 --> 00:03:58,097
- You think I'm gonna pay
someone to bring her back?
80
00:03:58,121 --> 00:04:01,534
This is the dog that tried
to chew off my big toe,
81
00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:03,369
that used to piddle in my favorite
shoes
82
00:04:03,393 --> 00:04:06,272
before and after her walks, that stood
on
83
00:04:06,296 --> 00:04:10,042
the end of our bed whenever
Smith and I would--
84
00:04:10,066 --> 00:04:14,208
(laughs) You can call
it barkus interruptus.
85
00:04:16,039 --> 00:04:18,246
Oh, I miss that little dog.
86
00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:20,619
Just say, reward.
87
00:04:25,448 --> 00:04:29,695
- In some countries, Bijoux's
considered a delicacy.
88
00:04:29,719 --> 00:04:32,097
- You better say, big reward.
89
00:04:32,989 --> 00:04:36,435
- No leads, no evidence, no
witnesses.
90
00:04:36,459 --> 00:04:39,201
Inspire me, Hooperman, er, Harry.
91
00:04:40,296 --> 00:04:42,041
We alienate people from ourselves
92
00:04:42,065 --> 00:04:43,742
when we call them by their last name.
93
00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:45,746
- She's seeing a shrink.
94
00:04:47,270 --> 00:04:48,044
- Celeste?
95
00:04:49,973 --> 00:04:54,220
Captain, there were no hits
like this in any other district.
96
00:04:54,244 --> 00:04:58,324
I'm checking in areas outside
of the city, so far zero.
97
00:04:58,348 --> 00:05:01,260
- Well, are there any
similarities between the victims?
98
00:05:01,284 --> 00:05:03,596
Theirjobs, their
friends, where they live?
99
00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,232
- The only similarity was both
victims wigs were missing.
100
00:05:06,256 --> 00:05:08,167
- Yeah, we really should
get word out to these guys,
101
00:05:08,191 --> 00:05:09,802
hey fellas, if you're
gonna put on a dress,
102
00:05:09,826 --> 00:05:11,804
accessorize with mace.
(laughs)
103
00:05:11,828 --> 00:05:13,839
- I'm going to increase this detail.
104
00:05:13,863 --> 00:05:16,842
If I have to put a man on every block.
105
00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:18,944
Clean your party dresses, men.
106
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:21,505
(dogs barking)
107
00:05:25,041 --> 00:05:25,851
- Dog!
108
00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:27,987
- Mr. Policeman!
- What is going on here?
109
00:05:28,011 --> 00:05:30,089
- Oh, this is the man you want.
110
00:05:30,113 --> 00:05:32,091
- Man, found your dog.
111
00:05:32,115 --> 00:05:33,592
- This isn't a dog.
112
00:05:33,616 --> 00:05:34,994
- What are you, a vet?
113
00:05:35,018 --> 00:05:36,528
He has all the markings.
114
00:05:36,552 --> 00:05:40,332
- You offered a big
reward for a dog you hate.
115
00:05:40,356 --> 00:05:42,034
- I never said I hated her.
116
00:05:42,058 --> 00:05:44,538
- Yes you did, Harry, in fact,
117
00:05:45,461 --> 00:05:46,939
you said you wanted to
leave her in the freezer
118
00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:48,140
and make her a hood ornament.
119
00:05:48,164 --> 00:05:50,142
- No, he said Bijoux would be the first
dog
120
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:51,677
to be Reeboked offa bridge.
121
00:05:51,701 --> 00:05:53,512
- Asked me if I wanted a spotted
muffler.
122
00:05:53,536 --> 00:05:55,514
- You're a mad dog hater!
123
00:05:55,538 --> 00:05:56,348
- Bushkin!
124
00:05:56,372 --> 00:05:58,817
- You know, if you ever do get her
back,
125
00:05:58,841 --> 00:06:00,786
I know this great dog psychiatrist.
126
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:03,856
You can go together,
you can go separately,
127
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,159
I mean, this'll never happen again.
128
00:06:07,183 --> 00:06:08,794
- (knocking) Easy fella.
129
00:06:08,818 --> 00:06:11,363
Look, everybody, can
I have your attention?
130
00:06:11,387 --> 00:06:14,033
None of these dogs is Bijoux.
131
00:06:14,057 --> 00:06:16,535
Okay, I'm sorry, but you're
all gonna have to leave.
132
00:06:16,559 --> 00:06:17,836
- Harry!
133
00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:21,874
I'm allergic to fleas, if I
get even one, little bite,
134
00:06:21,898 --> 00:06:23,509
it's an itch you'll never forget.
135
00:06:23,533 --> 00:06:25,811
- Hey, he comes when you call him,
watch.
136
00:06:25,835 --> 00:06:26,870
' He)', Bijoux!
137
00:06:30,606 --> 00:06:31,414
- McNeil!
138
00:06:33,676 --> 00:06:34,484
~ God!
139
00:06:38,614 --> 00:06:39,992
- I better go talk to her.
140
00:06:40,016 --> 00:06:41,723
- Yeah, she's P.O.'d.
141
00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:45,831
' MY dog, my dog!
142
00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:47,566
(guinea pig squeaking)
- My dog!
143
00:06:47,590 --> 00:06:49,668
- All right so, they
caught you shoplifting.
144
00:06:49,692 --> 00:06:51,729
- Allegedly shop lifting.
145
00:06:53,129 --> 00:06:53,939
Rolex?
146
00:06:53,963 --> 00:06:55,507
- Copy-
147
00:06:55,531 --> 00:06:57,543
- You shoplifted a copy?
148
00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,078
- You gotta start somewhere.
149
00:06:59,102 --> 00:07:01,280
- Can we move this along, officers?
150
00:07:01,304 --> 00:07:02,681
- You wanna ease off?
151
00:07:02,705 --> 00:07:05,451
- I'm sorry, I'm a bit
testy, I just quit smoking.
152
00:07:05,475 --> 00:07:08,387
- That's great, how long's it been?
153
00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:09,455
- Four minutes.
154
00:07:09,479 --> 00:07:12,424
- Captain I'm sorry about
that dog show outside,
155
00:07:12,448 --> 00:07:14,026
I gave out this address 'cause this is
156
00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:15,761
where I am most of the
time, I didn't figure
157
00:07:15,785 --> 00:07:17,696
a reward would attract so many
people.
158
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,298
- Change the address or I'll change
159
00:07:19,322 --> 00:07:21,800
where you are most of the time.
160
00:07:21,824 --> 00:07:22,632
Damn it!
161
00:07:23,993 --> 00:07:27,072
Here I go, I've been insensitive again.
162
00:07:27,096 --> 00:07:28,440
(snapping)
163
00:07:28,464 --> 00:07:31,643
I'm supposed to do that
every time I'm insensitive.
164
00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:34,780
- Looks like you got a
pretty good welt going there.
165
00:07:34,804 --> 00:07:36,949
- Harry, I want you to know
166
00:07:36,973 --> 00:07:39,084
that I sympathize with your loss.
167
00:07:39,108 --> 00:07:40,619
- I didn't think it'd affect me so much,
168
00:07:40,643 --> 00:07:43,489
but I've really missed the little critter.
169
00:07:43,513 --> 00:07:46,158
- Well, if you're anything like I am,
170
00:07:46,182 --> 00:07:49,294
I know exactly what's
going through your mind.
171
00:07:49,318 --> 00:07:52,598
Three hundred dogs a day
are lost in this city,
172
00:07:52,622 --> 00:07:57,269
most are never found, the
rest end up as road pizza,
173
00:07:57,293 --> 00:08:01,106
or worse, they get maimed, or
blinded,
174
00:08:01,130 --> 00:08:03,842
just to test stupid mascara!
175
00:08:03,866 --> 00:08:06,078
Oh, and lets not forget
those nutcakes that
176
00:08:06,102 --> 00:08:09,815
sacrifice animals in their
backyards in satanic rituals.
177
00:08:09,839 --> 00:08:12,317
I know that these gruesome
possibilities
178
00:08:12,341 --> 00:08:15,487
have been flashing through
your mind endlessly.
179
00:08:15,511 --> 00:08:17,252
- Not until just now.
180
00:08:18,681 --> 00:08:20,459
(snapping)
- Ow.
181
00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:24,454
- Got another slasher
hit, this one's breathing.
182
00:08:26,456 --> 00:08:29,168
- When he grabbed your
blouse, did you see anything?
183
00:08:29,192 --> 00:08:33,272
The color of his jacket, or,
or, a ring on his finger?
184
00:08:33,296 --> 00:08:34,173
Anything?
185
00:08:34,197 --> 00:08:36,677
- He uh, he pulled off my wig,
186
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:39,874
and ripped my blouse,
187
00:08:42,472 --> 00:08:45,784
and tried to choke me with my bra.
188
00:08:45,808 --> 00:08:46,616
"Missy",
189
00:08:48,511 --> 00:08:50,320
he whispe red, "Missy".
190
00:08:55,151 --> 00:08:57,131
After that I don't know.
191
00:08:58,754 --> 00:09:01,233
- Are you sure he said Missy?
192
00:09:01,257 --> 00:09:02,065
- Please!
193
00:09:03,759 --> 00:09:06,569
Don't let them leave me like this!
194
00:09:08,664 --> 00:09:09,802
I have a wife,
195
00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:12,869
and daughter.
196
00:09:17,106 --> 00:09:18,414
They don't know.
197
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:22,354
- Get him out of these clothes now.
198
00:09:22,378 --> 00:09:23,186
Come on.
199
00:09:32,054 --> 00:09:34,766
- Hi, excuse me, I'm the one who
called,
200
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:37,603
you said you had a-- Hey great!
201
00:09:37,627 --> 00:09:39,438
Well, you found my dog!
202
00:09:39,462 --> 00:09:41,540
- Correction, my dog.
203
00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:43,075
- Is there a problem here?
204
00:09:43,099 --> 00:09:45,344
'Cause, we just bought her.
205
00:09:45,368 --> 00:09:47,012
- Well, but uh, that's my dog.
206
00:09:47,036 --> 00:09:48,113
Excuse me?
207
00:09:48,137 --> 00:09:51,116
I've been calling you
every day, once a day,
208
00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:53,719
and you told me that the dog wasn't
here.
209
00:09:53,743 --> 00:09:55,020
- You didn't talk to me.
210
00:09:55,044 --> 00:09:55,954
She's been here eight days,
211
00:09:55,978 --> 00:09:58,090
legally we can sell her after seven.
212
00:09:58,114 --> 00:10:00,526
She had no license, what can I tell
you.
213
00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:02,094
- I want my dog.
214
00:10:02,118 --> 00:10:04,930
Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry about all
this,
215
00:10:04,954 --> 00:10:07,766
but I'm Harry Hooperman,
and that is my dog.
216
00:10:07,790 --> 00:10:09,401
- Nice to meet you, Mr.
Hooperman, I'm late for work.
217
00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:11,203
- Wait, nobody's going anywhere.
218
00:10:11,227 --> 00:10:13,739
- McNeil, tell 'em that's my dog!
219
00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:15,140
- That's his dog.
220
00:10:16,566 --> 00:10:20,045
- Wait a minute, I'll prove
that that is my dog, okay?
221
00:10:20,069 --> 00:10:22,314
- Bij, come here, buddy!
222
00:10:22,338 --> 00:10:23,549
(Bijoux barks)
223
00:10:23,573 --> 00:10:24,750
Bijoux, stop.
224
00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:27,085
(Bijoux snarling)
225
00:10:27,109 --> 00:10:29,721
Well see, she never comes when I
call,
226
00:10:29,745 --> 00:10:31,890
that proves she's mine.
227
00:10:31,914 --> 00:10:33,725
Don't do this to me, girl.
228
00:10:33,749 --> 00:10:36,261
Uh, hang on, one second, excuse
me?
229
00:10:36,285 --> 00:10:38,297
Did I mention I'm a cop?
230
00:10:38,321 --> 00:10:39,898
- Did I mention I'm divorced?
231
00:10:39,922 --> 00:10:41,567
I got an ex-wife with
a filthy rich boyfriend
232
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:43,268
who buys the kid anything she wants.
233
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,837
I just put a smile on her face
with a fourteen dollar dog.
234
00:10:45,861 --> 00:10:46,972
Outside of the chance you're armed,
235
00:10:46,996 --> 00:10:48,507
you haven't got a chance
in hell of getting it back.
236
00:10:48,531 --> 00:10:50,442
- I'm sure we can discuss this.
237
00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:51,777
- Sure we can.
238
00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:54,680
Lost, found, end of discussion.
239
00:10:54,704 --> 00:10:56,281
Hey, you want the dog back?
240
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:57,649
Take me to court.
241
00:10:57,673 --> 00:10:58,817
Come on, honey.
242
00:10:58,841 --> 00:11:02,482
(somber instrumental music)
243
00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:10,996
- Listen to me, did you notice anything
244
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,031
like a pin on the kids mailed behavior?
245
00:11:13,055 --> 00:11:13,999
- Minkoff, you see what I mean?
246
00:11:14,023 --> 00:11:16,835
I don't need a lawyer to
badgers 1 O-year-old children,
247
00:11:16,859 --> 00:11:17,936
I can handle this myself.
248
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,771
- Give me five minutes
with her on the stand,
249
00:11:19,795 --> 00:11:20,939
I'll break her.
250
00:11:20,963 --> 00:11:22,874
- It's a small claims matter.
251
00:11:22,898 --> 00:11:26,778
- There are no small claims
in this world, Hooperman.
252
00:11:26,802 --> 00:11:30,382
- Thank you for your offer,
but I can find my own dog.
253
00:11:30,406 --> 00:11:34,186
- Yeah, in 10 weeks, if you
can get it on the dockets.
254
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:35,554
That little girl and dog can do
255
00:11:35,578 --> 00:11:37,789
a lot of bonding in 10 weeks.
256
00:11:37,813 --> 00:11:39,124
They're gonna walk into that court
257
00:11:39,148 --> 00:11:40,959
lookin' like a Hallmark card.
258
00:11:40,983 --> 00:11:44,463
I can getcha into court
in 24 hours, guaranteed.
259
00:11:44,487 --> 00:11:46,365
- Gail--
- No, don't thank me.
260
00:11:46,389 --> 00:11:47,699
I want this case.
261
00:11:47,723 --> 00:11:50,469
It's the kind of stuff
that makes you inquire.
262
00:11:50,493 --> 00:11:53,238
I quit, you know, I'm down to six a day.
263
00:11:53,262 --> 00:11:56,008
(guinea pig squeaking)
264
00:11:56,032 --> 00:11:57,042
The rats in here gettin' bigger
265
00:11:57,066 --> 00:12:00,045
or are the cops gettin' smaller?
266
00:12:00,069 --> 00:12:01,546
- Which way'd he go?
267
00:12:01,570 --> 00:12:04,210
That little sleaze ate my lunch.
268
00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:07,020
- Harry! Clarence!
269
00:12:09,879 --> 00:12:12,090
Hooperman, McNeil!
270
00:12:12,114 --> 00:12:13,923
I'll get a new shrink.
271
00:12:15,184 --> 00:12:17,863
We have a possible M.O. on the
slasher.
272
00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:20,198
The lab says the missing three wigs
273
00:12:20,222 --> 00:12:24,202
all had red polyester fibers,
apparently he likes redheads.
274
00:12:24,226 --> 00:12:26,405
Keep the bangs out of your eyes.
275
00:12:26,429 --> 00:12:27,572
- How 'bout it?
276
00:12:27,596 --> 00:12:31,009
You think this'll make me
look good enough to slash?
277
00:12:31,033 --> 00:12:31,743
You think this'll make me
look good enough to slash?
278
00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:32,575
" Hi!
279
00:12:34,537 --> 00:12:35,347
I love this.
280
00:12:35,371 --> 00:12:38,352
(upbeat jazz music)
281
00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:42,854
- I've gotten cruised six times,
282
00:12:42,878 --> 00:12:44,189
my new nickname is sweet cheeks,
283
00:12:44,213 --> 00:12:48,193
and I don't think it has
anything to do with my smiles.
284
00:12:48,217 --> 00:12:50,527
- Well, Joan Crawford lives.
285
00:12:51,821 --> 00:12:54,433
- (sighs) Oh, god.
286
00:12:54,457 --> 00:12:56,868
If our lunatic slasher does get me,
287
00:12:56,892 --> 00:12:58,704
this is not how I wanna be
remembered,
288
00:12:58,728 --> 00:13:01,206
dressed up like a boy toy.
289
00:13:01,230 --> 00:13:05,303
(sighs) I forgot how nerve
wracking these details can be.
290
00:13:06,635 --> 00:13:08,780
A little chat from you
fellas wouldn't hurt,
291
00:13:08,804 --> 00:13:11,416
say something, say anything.
292
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,454
- What's a seven letter
for sea cow, ending in "E"?
293
00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:16,286
- Manatee.
294
00:13:18,447 --> 00:13:19,991
- You got it!
295
00:13:20,015 --> 00:13:21,960
- It's amazing how you remember all
that
296
00:13:21,984 --> 00:13:26,898
useless stuff when you're
scared outta your brownies.
297
00:13:26,922 --> 00:13:27,899
That's it?
298
00:13:27,923 --> 00:13:29,668
This is what you call conversation?
299
00:13:29,692 --> 00:13:31,436
How are the Warriors doing?
300
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:35,240
- They're two points down in the third.
301
00:13:35,264 --> 00:13:38,302
- Here we go, a guy is tailgating me.
302
00:13:39,835 --> 00:13:43,977
I'm going to take him on
into the alley, he's on me.
303
00:13:46,709 --> 00:13:49,354
- Okay, backup, this could be our
man.
304
00:13:49,378 --> 00:13:52,291
Move in, but keep it low, and slow.
305
00:13:54,450 --> 00:13:56,828
(suspenseful music)
306
00:13:56,852 --> 00:13:59,798
- Get ready, this could be it.
307
00:13:59,822 --> 00:14:03,268
- You shouldn't walk alone
in this neighborhood.
308
00:14:03,292 --> 00:14:06,605
- It's just easier to
cut through to my car.
309
00:14:06,629 --> 00:14:09,610
- Well, if you're not uncomfortable.
310
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,311
- (sighs) I was wrong.
311
00:14:13,335 --> 00:14:15,614
I guess he's not our guy.
312
00:14:15,638 --> 00:14:18,278
- You may need an escort, Missy.
313
00:14:19,475 --> 00:14:21,119
Pervert.
314
00:14:21,143 --> 00:14:25,123
I got a message for your freak friends.
315
00:14:25,147 --> 00:14:26,291
One less queer.
316
00:14:26,315 --> 00:14:28,894
(groaning)
317
00:14:28,918 --> 00:14:32,161
(groaning and yelling)
318
00:14:42,898 --> 00:14:45,343
(sirens wailing)
(groaning)
319
00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:47,345
(crashing)
320
00:14:47,369 --> 00:14:49,576
(groaning)
321
00:14:54,276 --> 00:14:58,383
- I'm a police officer,
you're under arrest! (panting)
322
00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:02,928
(groaning)
323
00:15:02,952 --> 00:15:05,933
(people chattering)
324
00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:09,201
- How you dam"?
325
00:15:09,225 --> 00:15:11,269
- I'm not sure, but I
think I'm getting cramps.
326
00:15:11,293 --> 00:15:13,605
- Hey Hooperman, you got a
call from that Minkoff chick,
327
00:15:13,629 --> 00:15:14,840
the lawyer, she says she's got
328
00:15:14,864 --> 00:15:16,575
a good shot at gettin' your hound
back.
329
00:15:16,599 --> 00:15:17,576
- Great!
330
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,444
- You gotta meet her in 15
minutes, here's the address.
331
00:15:19,468 --> 00:15:21,379
- You drive, I'll change.
332
00:15:21,403 --> 00:15:25,374
(police chatter over the radio)
333
00:15:29,778 --> 00:15:31,556
What have you got me into here?
334
00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:33,859
- I came through, I got
you into court in 24 hours.
335
00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:35,360
- This is a stupid television show,
336
00:15:35,384 --> 00:15:36,962
I don't want to do a television show!
337
00:15:36,986 --> 00:15:39,397
- They have a real judge, and
his decisions are binding.
338
00:15:39,421 --> 00:15:41,366
Plus they pay you $500
dollars which will not
339
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:43,134
be applied towards the
nominal fee you owe me.
340
00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:45,904
- I never agreed to anything like this.
341
00:15:45,928 --> 00:15:49,241
- In my opinion, it's the only
chance you have at the dog.
342
00:15:49,265 --> 00:15:50,141
- Come on, you're on.
343
00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:51,042
- On what?
344
00:15:51,066 --> 00:15:52,204
- Just go. Go!
345
00:15:56,605 --> 00:16:01,286
- This is the plaintiff,
Inspector Harry Hooperman.
346
00:16:01,310 --> 00:16:03,588
He claims his dog was
purchased at the pound
347
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:05,824
before he had a chance to rescue her.
348
00:16:05,848 --> 00:16:08,460
He's suing the defendant
to recover his terrier.
349
00:16:08,484 --> 00:16:09,661
- The plainclothes wore
a suit just like this
350
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:11,329
in Jagged Edge, do you like it?
351
00:16:11,353 --> 00:16:12,161
- What?
352
00:16:13,022 --> 00:16:15,567
- This is the defendant, Lisa Thomas.
353
00:16:15,591 --> 00:16:19,404
Lady Di, the dog in
question, and Lisa's father.
354
00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:21,606
They claim they bought the
dog legally from the pound,
355
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:23,642
and don't want to give her up.
356
00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:25,143
Now, who would you side with?
357
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:30,081
In this, the case of Daddy,
Don't Let Them Take My Dog.
358
00:16:30,105 --> 00:16:31,950
' [All] Awww!
359
00:16:31,974 --> 00:16:32,784
- I'm dead.
360
00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:33,852
- [Woman] It's a wrap for commercial,
361
00:16:33,876 --> 00:16:35,086
hold your places, please.
362
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:38,356
- Damn, you should have
worn your blue uniform.
363
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:40,792
Image is everything, remember Ollie
North?
364
00:16:40,816 --> 00:16:42,160
Somehow testimony sounds right
365
00:16:42,184 --> 00:16:44,462
when you're wearing olive drab.
366
00:16:44,486 --> 00:16:46,431
- It's not about how you
look, it's about what you say,
367
00:16:46,455 --> 00:16:47,799
I'm gonna stare that judge down
368
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:49,601
and tell him about the time
I had to stand in front of
369
00:16:49,625 --> 00:16:52,771
that pregnant woman to protect
her from terrorist gunfire.
370
00:16:52,795 --> 00:16:55,140
Two of the slugs are still in my leg.
371
00:16:55,164 --> 00:16:57,442
- That's great! That's a winner!
372
00:16:57,466 --> 00:16:58,310
When did that happen?
373
00:16:58,334 --> 00:17:01,212
- It didn't, I'm not gonna let
that little snot get my dog.
374
00:17:01,236 --> 00:17:02,314
Damn! These things won't come off.
375
00:17:02,338 --> 00:17:03,548
- Here, let me try.
376
00:17:03,572 --> 00:17:05,016
- [Man] We're back, cue the bailiff.
377
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:09,182
- [Bailiff] All rise for
the honorable Nelson Wagner.
378
00:17:10,546 --> 00:17:11,354
Be seated!
379
00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:14,025
- I know you've been sworn,
380
00:17:14,049 --> 00:17:16,027
do you have any statements to make?
381
00:17:16,051 --> 00:17:19,831
- We do, your honor, this is
clearly an open and shut case.
382
00:17:19,855 --> 00:17:21,032
- Excuse me, who are you?
383
00:17:21,056 --> 00:17:22,500
- Council for the plaintiff.
384
00:17:22,524 --> 00:17:25,870
- This is a small claims
court, you're not needed here.
385
00:17:25,894 --> 00:17:28,135
- Easiest $750 I ever made.
386
00:17:30,532 --> 00:17:32,477
- Do you have an opening
statement to make?
387
00:17:32,501 --> 00:17:36,147
And I hope it includes why
you're wearing eye makeup.
388
00:17:36,171 --> 00:17:40,485
- Ah, yeah, uh, actually
I am wearing eye makeup,
389
00:17:40,509 --> 00:17:41,853
with an explanation, you see,
390
00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:44,222
earlier I had to dress
up as a transvestite.
391
00:17:44,246 --> 00:17:46,424
- We'll wave the explanation.
392
00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:48,052
- It's fine with me.
393
00:17:49,752 --> 00:17:51,596
- I read your file here, it says you've
394
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:52,998
owned the dog for a year and a half.
395
00:17:53,022 --> 00:17:56,001
Do you have proof of ownership, a
license?
396
00:17:56,025 --> 00:17:59,270
- Actually your honor, I,
I don't actually have a--
397
00:17:59,294 --> 00:18:01,106
- [Judge] No license, then how do you
398
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:02,674
propose to claim the dog?
399
00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:04,175
- We have license.
400
00:18:04,199 --> 00:18:05,443
- Just a minute, young lady.
401
00:18:05,467 --> 00:18:07,712
I'm not through with Inspector
Hooperman.
402
00:18:07,736 --> 00:18:09,180
I'm waiting, Inspector.
403
00:18:09,204 --> 00:18:11,850
- Yes, your honor. (clears throat)
404
00:18:11,874 --> 00:18:13,785
Well it's obvious the dog and I have
405
00:18:13,809 --> 00:18:16,521
a special bond between-- (dog snarls)
406
00:18:16,545 --> 00:18:18,223
Love bite. (laughs)
407
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:20,458
- Lisa, a moment ago, you
said you had a license,
408
00:18:20,482 --> 00:18:22,060
do you have any other papers
409
00:18:22,084 --> 00:18:23,728
to show that you've owned the dog?
410
00:18:23,752 --> 00:18:26,598
- Bought her the minute
she became available.
411
00:18:26,622 --> 00:18:29,034
There's also a picture of her doggy
house.
412
00:18:29,058 --> 00:18:30,769
- I only see here a guest house.
413
00:18:30,793 --> 00:18:33,205
- The maid gets the upstairs.
414
00:18:34,163 --> 00:18:35,573
- What do I do now?
415
00:18:35,597 --> 00:18:37,242
- Get a cat.
416
00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:40,879
- After seven days incarceration
in the city animal shelter,
417
00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:43,882
the animal is legally
available for adoption,
418
00:18:43,906 --> 00:18:47,919
and all previous ownerships
are no longer valid.
419
00:18:47,943 --> 00:18:50,422
- Ah, I am aware of that law,
420
00:18:50,446 --> 00:18:52,157
but I would like to go
on record by stating
421
00:18:52,181 --> 00:18:56,828
that I am willing to buy her
another dog of her choice.
422
00:18:56,852 --> 00:18:58,663
- But she's my best friend now.
423
00:18:58,687 --> 00:19:00,428
- She loves it.
- Aww.
424
00:19:01,457 --> 00:19:02,967
(sighs)
425
00:19:02,991 --> 00:19:03,799
_ Cry!
426
00:19:05,828 --> 00:19:06,636
Cry, cry!
427
00:19:08,030 --> 00:19:12,077
- Your honor, I feel I should
say something on my behalf.
428
00:19:12,101 --> 00:19:13,945
Someone should.
429
00:19:13,969 --> 00:19:16,414
I'll admit that when I first got Bijoux,
430
00:19:16,438 --> 00:19:18,016
that's her real name, by the way.
431
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,252
She was a nuisance, then
a responsibility, but now
432
00:19:21,276 --> 00:19:25,123
she's family, and I'm not
giving her up without a fight.
433
00:19:25,147 --> 00:19:27,592
- I think I have all
the information I need.
434
00:19:27,616 --> 00:19:30,195
I'll be back with my decision in a
moment.
435
00:19:30,219 --> 00:19:32,363
- Wrap for commercial.
436
00:19:32,387 --> 00:19:34,099
- Here Daddy, I need a break.
437
00:19:34,123 --> 00:19:35,932
- I'll take her, pumpkin.
438
00:19:38,961 --> 00:19:41,139
- Excuse me, pumpkin,
439
00:19:41,163 --> 00:19:43,775
a few things you oughta know about
Bij.
440
00:19:43,799 --> 00:19:47,112
She hates trout, but she does like
salmon.
441
00:19:47,136 --> 00:19:49,180
And if it's not too much trouble,
442
00:19:49,204 --> 00:19:51,649
if okay with your dad,
I'd like to visit her,
443
00:19:51,673 --> 00:19:55,153
maybe on her birthday, and I don't
know,
444
00:19:55,177 --> 00:19:57,522
well see, we sort of had this
tradition on Christmas Eve,
445
00:19:57,546 --> 00:19:59,991
I kill myself setting up the tree lights,
446
00:20:00,015 --> 00:20:02,527
and then she chews through all the
cords
447
00:20:02,551 --> 00:20:04,562
so the lights won't work. (laughs)
448
00:20:04,586 --> 00:20:05,897
- [Man] Ten seconds.
449
00:20:05,921 --> 00:20:10,835
- (clears throat) Now,
as another helpful hint,
450
00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:13,905
wear gloves when you
feed her, just 'cause--
451
00:20:13,929 --> 00:20:15,707
- [Woman] We're back.
452
00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:19,344
- Inspector, although I
sympathize with your situation,
453
00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:20,979
the facts are clear.
454
00:20:21,003 --> 00:20:23,982
You have no license, and
you waited eight days
455
00:20:24,006 --> 00:20:25,316
before you picked up the dog.
456
00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:26,151
- But your honor--
457
00:20:26,175 --> 00:20:28,186
- You had your say, Inspector.
458
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:31,589
Now it's obvious the dog doesn't like
YOU,
459
00:20:31,613 --> 00:20:35,260
and I have to consider the
animal's welfare, and the law.
460
00:20:35,284 --> 00:20:38,897
- It was the eye makeup,
wasn't it, be honest.
461
00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:39,092
- It was the eye makeup,
wasn't it, be honest.
462
00:20:42,591 --> 00:20:44,068
Well can we appeal?
463
00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:47,172
- Oh, if the show gets
picked up for another season.
464
00:20:47,196 --> 00:20:48,873
Not to intrude on your moment of
grief,
465
00:20:48,897 --> 00:20:52,177
but there will be a nominal
increase in your fee.
466
00:20:52,201 --> 00:20:53,711
To account for the mental stress.
467
00:20:53,735 --> 00:20:54,846
- Mine?
- Mine!
468
00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:56,381
- Here's the plaintiff in the case of
469
00:20:56,405 --> 00:20:58,249
Daddy, Don't Let Them Take My Dog.
470
00:20:58,273 --> 00:20:59,751
Inspector Hooperman, how do you
feel?
471
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:01,586
- My client has no comment.
472
00:21:01,610 --> 00:21:02,420
- How do you think I feel?
473
00:21:02,444 --> 00:21:04,422
Every day I put my life on
the line to uphold the law,
474
00:21:04,446 --> 00:21:06,391
and then when it's my turn
to receive a little justice,
475
00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:07,959
the system falls apart.
476
00:21:07,983 --> 00:21:09,460
- And here's the defendant.
477
00:21:09,484 --> 00:21:10,628
- This is nuts.
478
00:21:10,652 --> 00:21:13,064
- Just sign the check, I have a stamp.
479
00:21:13,088 --> 00:21:13,898
- [Woman] We're at the commercial,
480
00:21:13,922 --> 00:21:15,902
hold your places please.
481
00:21:17,059 --> 00:21:18,770
- I'll be right back.
482
00:21:18,794 --> 00:21:22,607
- Steal the dog, we'll plead insanity.
483
00:21:22,631 --> 00:21:23,441
- Lisa?
484
00:21:23,465 --> 00:21:24,309
- Hey, back off!
485
00:21:24,333 --> 00:21:26,144
We won this dog, fair and square.
486
00:21:26,168 --> 00:21:28,213
- I just want to know
why Bijoux's in a cage.
487
00:21:28,237 --> 00:21:30,281
- It's just until we get her home.
488
00:21:30,305 --> 00:21:32,784
- You really don't want this dog, do
ya?
489
00:21:32,808 --> 00:21:34,285
She's a real pain, isn't she?
490
00:21:34,309 --> 00:21:36,054
I mean, she bites, she pollutes your
room,
491
00:21:36,078 --> 00:21:38,323
and I think you're a little afraid of her,
492
00:21:38,347 --> 00:21:39,657
that's why she sleeps in the guest
house.
493
00:21:39,681 --> 00:21:41,993
- Do I have to get a restraining order?
494
00:21:42,017 --> 00:21:44,429
- I'll bet your dad
picked her out for you,
495
00:21:44,453 --> 00:21:45,263
and you're keeping her because
496
00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:46,464
you don't want to hurt his feelings,
497
00:21:46,488 --> 00:21:50,501
but if you don't love her,
and you're keeping her anyway,
498
00:21:50,525 --> 00:21:52,604
Bijoux is the one you're gonna be
hurting.
499
00:21:52,628 --> 00:21:54,172
- I'm warning your, Inspector.
500
00:21:54,196 --> 00:21:55,504
- Dad, butt out.
501
00:21:57,165 --> 00:21:59,611
So what's on the table here?
502
00:21:59,635 --> 00:22:02,614
- I have access to a guinea pig.
503
00:22:02,638 --> 00:22:04,649
They're cuddly, and low maintenance.
504
00:22:04,673 --> 00:22:06,451
- You said a new dog,
505
00:22:06,475 --> 00:22:07,986
We have it on tape.
506
00:22:08,010 --> 00:22:09,487
(clears throat)
507
00:22:09,511 --> 00:22:13,625
Well I want a Shar-Pei,
Susan Linder has one.
508
00:22:13,649 --> 00:22:16,261
- You want a Shar-Pei, you got it.
509
00:22:16,285 --> 00:22:17,362
" Dad?
510
00:22:17,386 --> 00:22:18,194
The dog.
511
00:22:20,989 --> 00:22:22,033
- Of course, getting the dog back
512
00:22:22,057 --> 00:22:24,335
will reflect a fee increase.
513
00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:26,771
- Bij, we're goin' home.
514
00:22:26,795 --> 00:22:28,172
- Come on.
515
00:22:28,196 --> 00:22:29,841
- Am!
516
00:22:29,865 --> 00:22:32,010
A Shar-Pei, are those the wrinkled
dogs?
517
00:22:32,034 --> 00:22:34,512
- Yep, 'bout a grand a wrinkle.
518
00:22:34,536 --> 00:22:37,107
God, I feel great since I quit.
519
00:22:39,174 --> 00:22:42,383
(saxophone jazz music)
520
00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:46,057
- You like that one?
521
00:22:46,081 --> 00:22:48,126
Well now it's my turn to pick.
522
00:22:48,150 --> 00:22:51,131
(saxophone playing)
523
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,839
(dog barking)
524
00:23:05,934 --> 00:23:10,076
(saxophone playing)
(dog barking)
525
00:23:15,277 --> 00:23:17,848
(upbeat music)
38202
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