Original subtitles

(instrumental jazz music)

- I don't believe it, I ordered mustard,

now where's the mustard?

- What do you think?

Well, I think I recognize some--

Yep, roast beef, right there.

- Those guys never get it right.

- You know what, you just got hip to the system,

if you want mustard, you order mayo,

if you want coleslaw, you order potato salad,

if you want a decent sandwich, you go someplace else.

Let's go someplace else.

- I knew when I saw the new management sign

the place had good ambiance.

- Ah, man.

- Oh, McNeil, tuck your wire down into your bra,

and balance your boobs.

I'd like to end this detail tonight!

I want that slasher in lockup,

and I want my men out of chiffon.

- I know what you mean, I for one,

am tired of shaving my legs.

- You shaved your legs?

- Didn't you?

- I don't want you to take this lightly.

This psycho has already put away two transvestites.

You're gonna be vulnerable out there.

Oh, and one more thing, if it comes to a foot chase,

kick off your shoes and yank up your pantyhose,

a sagging crotch could cost you the race.

- I think General Patton said that

just before he slapped that soldier.

- Come on, let's go powder our nose.

- Hooperman, your slip is showing.

- It's supposed to!

- Slut.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- Bijoux, I'm home!

(whistling)

am

Hey, you wanna at least pretend like you miss me?

You Know, bark, wag your tail,

you've seen other dogs do it.

Bijoux! (whistles)

Come get your rat chow.

This is not funny, Bijoux, where are you?

Listen, I am not gonna beg you

to come get your dinner, death breath.

Damn!

Bijoux!

You know, this is really immature,

even for someone as low on the evolutionary scale as you.

Okay, I didn't mean that, just tell me, where are y--

Bijoux?

- You can always call me when you forget something,

like leaving the window open.

- It's hard to believe she walked down the fire escape.

- It's better than believing she jumped.

- She's around, she wouldn't go far,

she's afraid of big dogs, and big cats,

and little tiny spiders.

- Who isn't?

- Bijoux, come on out, come on girl.

Greasy little gas bag, please! (whistles)

Bijoux!

(whistles) - I don't know why

we're thrashing around in the dark,

as soon as someone finds her, they'll be able to

contact you from her license.

- She doesn't have a license.

- Continue thrashing. (sighs)

- Bijoux! (whistling)

- Tomorrow I'll make up some flyers

and pass 'em around the neighborhood.

How much do you wanna offer?

" Huh?

- For the reward money!

How much?

- You think I'm gonna pay someone to bring her back?

This is the dog that tried to chew off my big toe,

that used to piddle in my favorite shoes

before and after her walks, that stood on

the end of our bed whenever Smith and I would--

(laughs) You can call it barkus interruptus.

Oh, I miss that little dog.

Just say, reward.

- In some countries, Bijoux's considered a delicacy.

- You better say, big reward.

- No leads, no evidence, no witnesses.

Inspire me, Hooperman, er, Harry.

We alienate people from ourselves

when we call them by their last name.

- She's seeing a shrink.

- Celeste?

Captain, there were no hits like this in any other district.

I'm checking in areas outside of the city, so far zero.

- Well, are there any similarities between the victims?

Theirjobs, their friends, where they live?

- The only similarity was both victims wigs were missing.

- Yeah, we really should get word out to these guys,

hey fellas, if you're gonna put on a dress,

accessorize with mace. (laughs)

- I'm going to increase this detail.

If I have to put a man on every block.

Clean your party dresses, men.

(dogs barking)

- Dog!

- Mr. Policeman! - What is going on here?

- Oh, this is the man you want.

- Man, found your dog.

- This isn't a dog.

- What are you, a vet?

He has all the markings.

- You offered a big reward for a dog you hate.

- I never said I hated her.

- Yes you did, Harry, in fact,

you said you wanted to leave her in the freezer

and make her a hood ornament.

- No, he said Bijoux would be the first dog

to be Reeboked offa bridge.

- Asked me if I wanted a spotted muffler.

- You're a mad dog hater!

- Bushkin!

- You know, if you ever do get her back,

I know this great dog psychiatrist.

You can go together, you can go separately,

I mean, this'll never happen again.

- (knocking) Easy fella.

Look, everybody, can I have your attention?

None of these dogs is Bijoux.

Okay, I'm sorry, but you're all gonna have to leave.

- Harry!

I'm allergic to fleas, if I get even one, little bite,

it's an itch you'll never forget.

- Hey, he comes when you call him, watch.

' He)', Bijoux!

- McNeil!

~ God!

- I better go talk to her.

- Yeah, she's P.O.'d.

' MY dog, my dog!

(guinea pig squeaking) - My dog!

- All right so, they caught you shoplifting.

- Allegedly shop lifting.

Rolex?

- Copy-

- You shoplifted a copy?

- You gotta start somewhere.

- Can we move this along, officers?

- You wanna ease off?

- I'm sorry, I'm a bit testy, I just quit smoking.

- That's great, how long's it been?

- Four minutes.

- Captain I'm sorry about that dog show outside,

I gave out this address 'cause this is

where I am most of the time, I didn't figure

a reward would attract so many people.

- Change the address or I'll change

where you are most of the time.

Damn it!

Here I go, I've been insensitive again.

(snapping)

I'm supposed to do that every time I'm insensitive.

- Looks like you got a pretty good welt going there.

- Harry, I want you to know

that I sympathize with your loss.

- I didn't think it'd affect me so much,

but I've really missed the little critter.

- Well, if you're anything like I am,

I know exactly what's going through your mind.

Three hundred dogs a day are lost in this city,

most are never found, the rest end up as road pizza,

or worse, they get maimed, or blinded,

just to test stupid mascara!

Oh, and lets not forget those nutcakes that

sacrifice animals in their backyards in satanic rituals.

I know that these gruesome possibilities

have been flashing through your mind endlessly.

- Not until just now.

(snapping) - Ow.

- Got another slasher hit, this one's breathing.

- When he grabbed your blouse, did you see anything?

The color of his jacket, or, or, a ring on his finger?

Anything?

- He uh, he pulled off my wig,

and ripped my blouse,

and tried to choke me with my bra.

"Missy",

he whispe red, "Missy".

After that I don't know.

- Are you sure he said Missy?

- Please!

Don't let them leave me like this!

I have a wife,

and daughter.

They don't know.

- Get him out of these clothes now.

Come on.

- Hi, excuse me, I'm the one who called,

you said you had a-- Hey great!

Well, you found my dog!

- Correction, my dog.

- Is there a problem here?

'Cause, we just bought her.

- Well, but uh, that's my dog.

Excuse me?

I've been calling you every day, once a day,

and you told me that the dog wasn't here.

- You didn't talk to me.

She's been here eight days,

legally we can sell her after seven.

She had no license, what can I tell you.

- I want my dog.

Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry about all this,

but I'm Harry Hooperman, and that is my dog.

- Nice to meet you, Mr. Hooperman, I'm late for work.

- Wait, nobody's going anywhere.

- McNeil, tell 'em that's my dog!

- That's his dog.

- Wait a minute, I'll prove that that is my dog, okay?

- Bij, come here, buddy!

(Bijoux barks)

Bijoux, stop.

(Bijoux snarling)

Well see, she never comes when I call,

that proves she's mine.

Don't do this to me, girl.

Uh, hang on, one second, excuse me?

Did I mention I'm a cop?

- Did I mention I'm divorced?

I got an ex-wife with a filthy rich boyfriend

who buys the kid anything she wants.

I just put a smile on her face with a fourteen dollar dog.

Outside of the chance you're armed,

you haven't got a chance in hell of getting it back.

- I'm sure we can discuss this.

- Sure we can.

Lost, found, end of discussion.

Hey, you want the dog back?

Take me to court.

Come on, honey.

(somber instrumental music)

- Listen to me, did you notice anything

like a pin on the kids mailed behavior?

- Minkoff, you see what I mean?

I don't need a lawyer to badgers 1 O-year-old children,

I can handle this myself.

- Give me five minutes with her on the stand,

I'll break her.

- It's a small claims matter.

- There are no small claims in this world, Hooperman.

- Thank you for your offer, but I can find my own dog.

- Yeah, in 10 weeks, if you can get it on the dockets.

That little girl and dog can do

a lot of bonding in 10 weeks.

They're gonna walk into that court

lookin' like a Hallmark card.

I can getcha into court in 24 hours, guaranteed.

- Gail-- - No, don't thank me.

I want this case.

It's the kind of stuff that makes you inquire.

I quit, you know, I'm down to six a day.

(guinea pig squeaking)

The rats in here gettin' bigger

or are the cops gettin' smaller?

- Which way'd he go?

That little sleaze ate my lunch.

- Harry! Clarence!

Hooperman, McNeil!

I'll get a new shrink.

We have a possible M.O. on the slasher.

The lab says the missing three wigs

all had red polyester fibers, apparently he likes redheads.

Keep the bangs out of your eyes.

- How 'bout it?

You think this'll make me look good enough to slash?

You think this'll make me look good enough to slash?

" Hi!

I love this.

(upbeat jazz music)

- I've gotten cruised six times,

my new nickname is sweet cheeks,

and I don't think it has anything to do with my smiles.

- Well, Joan Crawford lives.

- (sighs) Oh, god.

If our lunatic slasher does get me,

this is not how I wanna be remembered,

dressed up like a boy toy.

(sighs) I forgot how nerve wracking these details can be.

A little chat from you fellas wouldn't hurt,

say something, say anything.

- What's a seven letter for sea cow, ending in "E"?

- Manatee.

- You got it!

- It's amazing how you remember all that

useless stuff when you're scared outta your brownies.

That's it?

This is what you call conversation?

How are the Warriors doing?

- They're two points down in the third.

- Here we go, a guy is tailgating me.

I'm going to take him on into the alley, he's on me.

- Okay, backup, this could be our man.

Move in, but keep it low, and slow.

(suspenseful music)

- Get ready, this could be it.

- You shouldn't walk alone in this neighborhood.

- It's just easier to cut through to my car.

- Well, if you're not uncomfortable.

- (sighs) I was wrong.

I guess he's not our guy.

- You may need an escort, Missy.

Pervert.

I got a message for your freak friends.

One less queer.

(groaning)

(groaning and yelling)

(sirens wailing) (groaning)

(crashing)

(groaning)

- I'm a police officer, you're under arrest! (panting)

(groaning)

(people chattering)

- How you dam"?

- I'm not sure, but I think I'm getting cramps.

- Hey Hooperman, you got a call from that Minkoff chick,

the lawyer, she says she's got

a good shot at gettin' your hound back.

- Great!

- You gotta meet her in 15 minutes, here's the address.

- You drive, I'll change.

(police chatter over the radio)

What have you got me into here?

- I came through, I got you into court in 24 hours.

- This is a stupid television show,

I don't want to do a television show!

- They have a real judge, and his decisions are binding.

Plus they pay you $500 dollars which will not

be applied towards the nominal fee you owe me.

- I never agreed to anything like this.

- In my opinion, it's the only chance you have at the dog.

- Come on, you're on.

- On what?

- Just go. Go!

- This is the plaintiff, Inspector Harry Hooperman.

He claims his dog was purchased at the pound

before he had a chance to rescue her.

He's suing the defendant to recover his terrier.

- The plainclothes wore a suit just like this

in Jagged Edge, do you like it?

- What?

- This is the defendant, Lisa Thomas.

Lady Di, the dog in question, and Lisa's father.

They claim they bought the dog legally from the pound,

and don't want to give her up.

Now, who would you side with?

In this, the case of Daddy, Don't Let Them Take My Dog.

' [All] Awww!

- I'm dead.

- [Woman] It's a wrap for commercial,

hold your places, please.

- Damn, you should have worn your blue uniform.

Image is everything, remember Ollie North?

Somehow testimony sounds right

when you're wearing olive drab.

- It's not about how you look, it's about what you say,

I'm gonna stare that judge down

and tell him about the time I had to stand in front of

that pregnant woman to protect her from terrorist gunfire.

Two of the slugs are still in my leg.

- That's great! That's a winner!

When did that happen?

- It didn't, I'm not gonna let that little snot get my dog.

Damn! These things won't come off.

- Here, let me try.

- [Man] We're back, cue the bailiff.

- [Bailiff] All rise for the honorable Nelson Wagner.

Be seated!

- I know you've been sworn,

do you have any statements to make?

- We do, your honor, this is clearly an open and shut case.

- Excuse me, who are you?

- Council for the plaintiff.

- This is a small claims court, you're not needed here.

- Easiest $750 I ever made.

- Do you have an opening statement to make?

And I hope it includes why you're wearing eye makeup.

- Ah, yeah, uh, actually I am wearing eye makeup,

with an explanation, you see,

earlier I had to dress up as a transvestite.

- We'll wave the explanation.

- It's fine with me.

- I read your file here, it says you've

owned the dog for a year and a half.

Do you have proof of ownership, a license?

- Actually your honor, I, I don't actually have a--

- [Judge] No license, then how do you

propose to claim the dog?

- We have license.

- Just a minute, young lady.

I'm not through with Inspector Hooperman.

I'm waiting, Inspector.

- Yes, your honor. (clears throat)

Well it's obvious the dog and I have

a special bond between-- (dog snarls)

Love bite. (laughs)

- Lisa, a moment ago, you said you had a license,

do you have any other papers

to show that you've owned the dog?

- Bought her the minute she became available.

There's also a picture of her doggy house.

- I only see here a guest house.

- The maid gets the upstairs.

- What do I do now?

- Get a cat.

- After seven days incarceration in the city animal shelter,

the animal is legally available for adoption,

and all previous ownerships are no longer valid.

- Ah, I am aware of that law,

but I would like to go on record by stating

that I am willing to buy her another dog of her choice.

- But she's my best friend now.

- She loves it. - Aww.

(sighs)

_ Cry!

Cry, cry!

- Your honor, I feel I should say something on my behalf.

Someone should.

I'll admit that when I first got Bijoux,

that's her real name, by the way.

She was a nuisance, then a responsibility, but now

she's family, and I'm not giving her up without a fight.

- I think I have all the information I need.

I'll be back with my decision in a moment.

- Wrap for commercial.

- Here Daddy, I need a break.

- I'll take her, pumpkin.

- Excuse me, pumpkin,

a few things you oughta know about Bij.

She hates trout, but she does like salmon.

And if it's not too much trouble,

if okay with your dad, I'd like to visit her,

maybe on her birthday, and I don't know,

well see, we sort of had this tradition on Christmas Eve,

I kill myself setting up the tree lights,

and then she chews through all the cords

so the lights won't work. (laughs)

- [Man] Ten seconds.

- (clears throat) Now, as another helpful hint,

wear gloves when you feed her, just 'cause--

- [Woman] We're back.

- Inspector, although I sympathize with your situation,

the facts are clear.

You have no license, and you waited eight days

before you picked up the dog.

- But your honor--

- You had your say, Inspector.

Now it's obvious the dog doesn't like YOU,

and I have to consider the animal's welfare, and the law.

- It was the eye makeup, wasn't it, be honest.

- It was the eye makeup, wasn't it, be honest.

Well can we appeal?

- Oh, if the show gets picked up for another season.

Not to intrude on your moment of grief,

but there will be a nominal increase in your fee.

To account for the mental stress.

- Mine? - Mine!

- Here's the plaintiff in the case of

Daddy, Don't Let Them Take My Dog.

Inspector Hooperman, how do you feel?

- My client has no comment.

- How do you think I feel?

Every day I put my life on the line to uphold the law,

and then when it's my turn to receive a little justice,

the system falls apart.

- And here's the defendant.

- This is nuts.

- Just sign the check, I have a stamp.

- [Woman] We're at the commercial,

hold your places please.

- I'll be right back.

- Steal the dog, we'll plead insanity.

- Lisa?

- Hey, back off!

We won this dog, fair and square.

- I just want to know why Bijoux's in a cage.

- It's just until we get her home.

- You really don't want this dog, do ya?

She's a real pain, isn't she?

I mean, she bites, she pollutes your room,

and I think you're a little afraid of her,

that's why she sleeps in the guest house.

- Do I have to get a restraining order?

- I'll bet your dad picked her out for you,

and you're keeping her because

you don't want to hurt his feelings,

but if you don't love her, and you're keeping her anyway,

Bijoux is the one you're gonna be hurting.

- I'm warning your, Inspector.

- Dad, butt out.

So what's on the table here?

- I have access to a guinea pig.

They're cuddly, and low maintenance.

- You said a new dog,

We have it on tape.

(clears throat)

Well I want a Shar-Pei, Susan Linder has one.

- You want a Shar-Pei, you got it.

" Dad?

The dog.

- Of course, getting the dog back

will reflect a fee increase.

- Bij, we're goin' home.

- Come on.

- Am!

A Shar-Pei, are those the wrinkled dogs?

- Yep, 'bout a grand a wrinkle.

God, I feel great since I quit.

(saxophone jazz music)

- You like that one?

Well now it's my turn to pick.

(saxophone playing)

(dog barking)

(saxophone playing) (dog barking)

(upbeat music)