Original subtitles

- All units, Embarcadero armed robbery suspect

is still in a truck and is proceeding north on Montgomery.

Vehicle is property of M&H Frozen Shrimp.

Gee, all he's have to do is hit a lettuce truck

and he'd have a wonderful salad!

- Hmm.

- Well, you're in a mood today.

- Silardi, I love the new look,

what the well-dressed stevedor will wear.

It's rough, yet it says, take me, it's springtime.

You better find a razor real quick

before Captain Stern sees ya.

(police chatter and phone ringing)

- When did you start smoking?

- I was about fifteen.

- \/\/hen'd you start lookin' this good?

- Nice of you to join us Silardi,

shouldn't you be in uniform?

And get a shave, this is San Francisco, not Miami.

- Mornin' rick. - Hey, Rick.

- I'm Bobby.

- Well that's fine with us, although I should remind you

yesterday you were Rick.

- Hey Bobby!

- Hey!

- Rick!

(laughing)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- My brother, Bobby?

MVP of Bayonne Police Department.

He and my dad filled up a whole cell block

at Rahway State Prison.

- He worships me.

- He thinks he's my older brother because

he was born five minutes ahead of me.

- So Bobby, you on vacation here?

- I gotta pick up a prisoner on a fugitive warrant.

It's great, they fly me out here, stewardesses were awesome.

Great food, free hotel, I'm lovin' it.

- Rick?

- Yes.

Oh, Bobby, my partner, Maureen DeMott.

- Call me Mo.

- Yeah, we're old friends.

- Uh, nice meetin' ya Bobby.

Listen, if there's anything we can do to help,

you know, grease the bureaucratic wheels, don't hesitate.

- Thanks.

- [Hooperman] See you guys.

- Uh, guys, I need your input about

Hooperman's surprise party tomorrow night,

and I want you to consider this carefully

before forming your opinion, it's about Captain Stern.

- No. - No.

- Uh-huh.

Think I'm starting to detect a trend.

Uh, will you be joining us?

- What a great idea!

- Oh, uh, I don't know if I'm still gonna be in town,

you got a phone I can use?

- [Rick] On my desk.

- Well?

- Well what?

- You know.

Just how identical are you guys?

- He's straight.

- This is a two part question.

- And single.

- Thank you!

- All right, I'll hold.

So.

- So?

- So it's good to see me, right?

- (laughs) You look great.

- Don't I though?

I got the looks!

And you?

Did we ever figure out what you got?

(laughs) I don't think so.

Hey, I brought you a present.

I got a little hungry waiting for my luggage.

- (sniffs) Just like home.

- All right, do me a favor, tell the captain

he can reach me at the hotel.

All right, catch you later.

- What do you mean hotel?

You stay at my place!

- Come on, I'm not gonna pass up a free hotel!

Are you kidding me?

Room service, porno movies, you guys got

those beds out here with the little magic fingers in 'em?

- Yeah, there's no stopping a genius idea like that.

- Good.

I'll call ya later, we'll have dinner, and we'll talk.

- About what?

- I don't know, about nothing, like old times.

See ya later.

(knocking)

- It is I, Hooperman,

the bearer of Chinese food and American lust.

- Hooperman!

What if my mother had been in there?

- What are we doing?

Get out of here-- - Shh!

- Oh, God, it's Trevor, quick!

Quick!

- [Hooperman] Good evening, Trevor.

- Good evening.

- How's your mother, Trevor?

- Mother?

Fine, she's fine.

- I haven't seen her this week,

is she all right?

- Of course, why wouldn't she be?

Well I'm kind of in a hurry.

Nice to see you both.

- Listen to me, last week, he and his mother

had this horrible argument, other people heard it too,

but nobody has seen or heard from the old lady since!

Are you listening to me?

- I heard ya, you think Trevor

has chopped dear old mom into 47 pieces,

you want me to get involved.

No.

- Something is wrong!

She picks up her mail every morning religiously,

but I have not seen her in a week!

- Sounds like writers imagination gone haywire, to me.

- I think Trevor is acting very weird.

- It's part of the Bill of Rights, the pursuit of weirdness.

Speaking of weirdness, I haven't seen

your mother in a few days.

- She's still at the hotel,

she's called here a few times.

- To sing my praises no doubt.

- (laughs) Right.

I'm sure she'll find us if she wants to.

- Well not if, if Trevor finds her first and,

well, now don't be afraid, I, I won't hurt you,

I just want to feed you.

- Stop. - No, just, let me put some

protein down by your uvula. - (laughs) Stop it!

- It's like every nut ball in American migrated here.

I never seen so many fruits in my life,

and they, they walk around like they own the place.

- Hey Bobby, you're outta line.

- I'm sorry.

It's just that, you know, when I get a-talkin' to you,

like guys, I forget.

_lamaQUY!

Just like you.

- Come on, you're not just like me.

I'm the normal one, remember?

I like girls.

But if I was like you, I wouldn't be proud of it,

and I wouldn't be blabbing it all over the place.

You know what you did to Mom and Dad?

You broke their hearts.

- I can't deny what I am, not for them, and not for you.

1 .

All you care about is yourself!

What about what I go through, huh?

All the time people makin' jokes about my brother the homo.

You know, the guys at the station

have a real unique list of words for your kind.

- I've heard 'em all.

- Rick, you need help.

A shrink.

- Bobby, this is not a disease!

It's a choice!

I don't go to bed at night praying

that I'll wake up straight!

I like being gay!

- Shut up.

- I like being gay! - Shut up!

- Don't you ever try that again.

You go pick up your prisoner and get the hell outta my life.

- You shoulda stayed in the closet.

Hey' how you dam"?

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure.

- Not here, let's uh, let's go in there.

- Woah!

- What's the matter, something wrong?

- No, that was, that was a surprise, but terrific!

- Good.

You and I have got to get together.

- Uh, I'm free tonight.

- What about right now?

- Right now? - Right now.

- Meaning right here?

- Right here.

- Forget it!

- Why?

- I thought you meant a date!

- We can do that too, later.

Come on, I like you, you like me, it'd be fun, different.

Sexy.

Come on, I'll lock the door.

- Good idea.

You don't wanna get caught making love alone.

- [Bobby] I really appreciate your help on this.

- No problem, I know everybody down here,

and easy to get 'em to speed up the paperwork

when you know all the tricks.

You'll have your prisoner in a couple of hours,

then you can jump on a plane.

- Great.

I'm gonna grab one of these candy bars, you want one?

- No, just wait here, I'll get things rolling.

All right.

- Ahh, bureaucracy, isn't it wonderful?

Peace.

- Hello.

- How you dam"?

- You're lookin' great.

- What?

- I like the new look. (laughs)

Listen, what happened?

I thought we made a connection that weekend

at Big Sur, you never called.

- Hey, look.

- Do you have time for lunch?

- Hey!

Hey! - What are you--

(thudding)

(yelling)

Get off me! (yelling)

Get off!

- Are you outta your mind?

- You're a cop, right?

- Yeah.

- I want this man arrested.

- Arrest me?

You tried to hit on me!

This guy's a queen!

- He's a deputy district attorney.

(somber instrumental music)

- The guy thought Bobby was you.

He's gonna press charges, so we had to book 'em.

- Stupid hothead.

- There might be a way to clear this up, it's a long shot--

- Why should we?

It's assault and battery, plain and simple.

Bobby deserves to be in lockup.

Tough kid from Jersey.

He was always like that, street mentality all the way.

- So I take it you're not gonna get involved.

- This is between Bobby and the California Penal Code.

- Don't you even wanna hear my idea on this?

- Harry, do me a favor.

Do yourself a favor, stay out of it.

(knocking)

- (sighs) It's that time of the month.

- Thank you, Javi.

Oh, what a great pin!

- Fabulous, isn't it?

I bought it from Doctor Strange, upstairs.

- Trevor Johnson?

- Yeah.

He's selling off his mother's jewelry.

You should go up there, he's got some great earrings.

They were too big for my face,

but they'd look stunning on you.

- When you were up there, did you see Mrs. Johnson?

- No.

- Didn't that strike you as odd?

- Did you ever take a good look at Mrs. Johnson?

Struck me as considerate.

Please don't cash that 'til the end of the week.

'Ta.

_ 'Ta.

(eerie instrumental music)

(scary instrumental music)

(screaming)

- You should learn to lock your door.

I'm sorry I didn't call, I wasn't planning on coming over.

- Mother, this is not a good time

for an in depth discussion, I'm on my way out.

- Susan listen to me for a moment,

please, it's killing me that you have to

go through all of this alone.

- I am not going through this alone,

I'm going through this with Hooperman.

- Susan you have some very difficult decisions to make,

you can't think clearly in this environment.

You need some distance.

You need to come home.

- Oh, here we go again.

You playing the concerned, tolerant parent

on her traditional rescue mission,

and I'm supposed to be playing

the irresponsible, flighty, artistic daughter.

Well I'm tired of that old tape.

- And to which analyst do we owe this particular insight?

Doctor Williams or Doctor Harris?

- You can't press that button anymore.

I've grown up, I can balance a checkbook,

I can even fix my own water heater.

I can fall in love, and I can raise a child.

- Don't make a bad decision just to spite me.

- You were never a part of this decision.

- Oh Susan, Susan you're very emotional right now,

you're under a lot of stress.

Not unusual in the first few months of pregnancy.

_ stop, just stop.

- You can't see the whole picture, the future, I can!

It's not too late to reconsider!

You're only in your second month.

- Some day you're gonna wanna get

your hands on your grandchild.

Well you're gonna have to go through me,

you're going to have to deal with me as an adult.

If you can't do that, I am prepared to never see you again.

- You are going to regret this little

adventure with your policeman.

You know who he is?

He's your father.

I thought I could step out of my class too, it didn't work.

- I think you're the one who needs to go home.

- It's the birthday boy!

Hello, Amanda.

- Hello.

Goodbye, Susan.

- I'm growin' on her.

- No, no, no, no, no, it's great,

I just, I don't know, I kinda thought,

we'd go down to the wharf, you know,

maybe have some lobster.

- Things have changed, Hooperman,

the era of fiscal irresponsibility is over.

- Why, you got a little CPA in here?

- Surprise! - Surprise!

- Surprise! - Happy Birthday!

- Happy birthday! - Were you surprised?

- Hey!

Mo!

You guys, hey! ' I 90f you a present!

Rick, how ya doin'? - Were you surprised?

- I had a feeling, I got--

You do not have a poker face, Bushkin.

(laughing)

You guys are the best.

The best what, I don't know, but you are the best.

- Hooperman, you don't look a day over 55.

- Be gentle with me, Bobo, I'm the birthday boy.

(laughing) - How old are you really?

- [Hooperman] It's in the archives.

- [Bushkin] I'm looking it up.

- You need a refill.

- Thanks.

- Today was a bummer, huh?

- It's all right, I'll get over it.

- Bobby was such a jerk, there's no gettin' around that,

but he's facing assault charges.

A conviction would mean the end of his career.

I mean, he made a mistake, a bad one, but

do you really think he should lose his badge over it?

Why don't you call your friend?

Maybe he'll drop the charges.

- I don't know, Harry, my friend's not

real sympathetic to gay bashers.

- I understand.

It just seems to me that it'd be worth it.

Your family would really appreciate it.

And I think it's what you really wanna do.

- You're right.

Well it may take some time, I don't know if

I'll be able to stay for your party.

- That's cool, we're covered.

- All right.

Happy birthday, and thanks.

- Sure.

(sighs)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Captain. - Silardi.

(upbeat instrumental music)

Happy birthday, Hooperman.

A double bourbon and a water back.

- [Bartender] Comin' up.

- Don't ever get married.

I just came from a session with two divorced Iaywers, God.

- Captain, a pen!

Stern Security Systems.

- It writes in three colors.

- Wow, look at that.

- Wow. - So where's that drink?

- Where was I?

- Vietnam.

- Oh yeah, I was attached to the CIA

Counterinsurgency Unit in Danang.

Then in 1970-- - That war

was a horrible crime.

- In 1970 I deserted.

- How does it feel to be a year older?

(sighs)

- You know a year ago, it was all zippity-doo-dah time,

no responsibilities, except for my job,

and now, I own a building with plumbing

that sounds like hippos in heat,

I have a dog with the personality of Qaddafi,

and a year from now, I'm gonna be a father.

I mean, talk about the long and winding road.

(sighs) How did it all happen?

- I know how the last part happened.

- I didn't plan any of it.

You know what it proves?

That you can go through your whole life,

every day, without planning anything,

and stuff still happens to you.

Fl Happy birthday to you

Don't sing!

Are they singing to me? - Yes.

A1 Happ LYNN" y “Why to You

fl Happy birthday dear Hooperman

- He's not going to press any charges.

(sighs)

- Thanks.

I guess I really embarrassed you.

It's just, when that guy came up to me,

and touched me, it just kicked me into

everything that I'm angry about.

But I know when it's my problem,

I'm sorry I made it yours.

- Forget it.

- You know, we all miss you back home.

I miss you, I miss hanging outwith you like we used to.

- I miss you, too.

_ Gmere.

Now, what's keepin' you here, huh?

Come home with me.

- I've made my life here.

- You got a lot of friends back home.

And you're not gonna be the only gay guy in Jersey.

What about Norman Gambino?

- From little league?

I used to beat him up all the time.

- Everybody did, it was a long time ago!

You guys might hit it off now.

- Bobby, just because somebody is 93V

doesn't mean I'm going to be attracted to them.

- Yeah, yeah, you're right.

(laughs) Geez, I sound like Mom.

- (laughs) She still trying to fix you up?

- Yeah, she's desperate to get me outta the house.

- So, will that about do it?

- Are you asking if that'll do it,

or are you telling me that'll do it?

(laughs)

- I'm uh, recommending it.

Can I call you a cab?

- I'm not a helpless woman, young man.

If I wanted to walk home, I could, confidently.

And if I needed a cop, I could call...

Me.

- Okay-

- Men.

Who needs them?

Not Celeste Stern.

Not Captain Celeste.

- [Man] Ahem.

(clears throat)

- Hello, love.

- Susan.

- First, the violent argument,

then nobody sees Mrs. Johnson for eight days,

then Trevor starts selling off herjewelry.

I think we should go in and check!

- That's breaking and entering.

- No it's not!

I have a key, and you are a police officer.

- Illegal search! No warrant.

- You don't need a warrant to search your own building.

- No.

I'll talk to Trevor tomorrow.

- Until I know for sure,

I can't get my mind on anything else.

(suspenseful music)

(knocking)

(suspenseful music)

(Scary music)

- Mrs. Johnson.

(screaming)

- Mother!

- My God, Trevor!

What have you done to her?

- I've done nothing.

Mother's had a face lift.

- Oh.

Wh-- Why?

- Because she's cavorting with a younger man.

She made me sell her jewelry to pay for it.

- Ah, uh, Susan I think we'd better go,

we have to wipe some egg off your face.

- I am so-- Anybody could have made the

same mistake-- - Say goodnight, Susan.

- Goodnight.

- Mrs. Johnson, sorry to have troubled you.

Good luck with your cavorting.

(slow jazz music)

(shower knobs creaking and water running)

(slow jazz music)

- Oh my God.

J1 Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves

(gentle instrumental music)

(jazz music)