Original subtitles

- [Captain] Good morning.

- [Bobo] Good morning, Captain.

- Morning, Bobo.

Hooperman, if you keep that up,

either you're going to throw your arm out

or you're going to put a hole in that desk.

- With all due respect Captain, I did not join the force

just to review PI licenses.

- Ah.

Well then, perhaps you can relate to the frustration I feel

when the Commissioner comes down on me

for supporting one of your convoluted,

unsuccessful schemes.

- Yes, ma'am.

- There's a fine line between what is creative police work

and what is harebrained.

You always seem to be on the B side of that line.

- Yes, ma'am.

(yelling)

- Back off, or I'll crush his windpipe!

Back off!

I mean it!

- You crush his and I'll crush yours.

Drop it.

(screams)

[Bushkin] Hooperman!

- You all right, man?

- You okay, huh?

- I'm okay.

Thanks, I owe you one.

- Don't mention it.

Here's my card.

- Nick Derringer, Private Investigations.

No case too small.

(upbeat music)

- Morning.

(knocks on door)

- My mother is coming.

- I didn't know you had a mother.

- Everybody has a mother.

- Except for you.

You were designed by committee.

Actually, I'm looking forward to meeting your mom.

- Tonight, 7:30, dinner.

Be there.

You have to sit between us.

- You guys don't get along.

Okay, I can handle that.

I'm good with mothers.

Moms love me.

She knows I'm coming, right?

- She doesn't even know you exist.

- Then if she doesn't know I exist,

she doesn't know it exists.

- It is none of her business.

- Don't you think we should tell her?

Mothers like to know these things.

- I'll tell her when I'm ready.

Look, Hooperman.

There's a lot of tendential family stuff

that could complicate things.

- Family stuff.

- Have you ever heard of Lady Smith Frozen Foods?

- Yeah.

Their cheesecake sucks.

- Their cheesecake has made us rich.

- Rich.

- I didn't want to tell you about this before,

because I didn't want it to interfere with this.

- Smith, you know me better than that.

What, you think I'd allow some substandard,

pukey dessert to come between us?

The only important things are you, me, and our baby.

I could care less how much you're worth.

Okay?

I'll see you at 7:30.

Oh, listen.

Just out of curiosity, how rich are you?

Rounded, I'll say, to the nearest million?

(slams door)

(sirens blare)

- It's your fault!

- You stupid moron, you were speeding.

I was observing a legal speed limit.

- You were driving on the wrong side of the road!

- You steered straight at me.

- I'm going to squash you like a bug.

(yelling)

- Jumbo, I'll cut you another nostril.

- You again?

- This lunatic tried to kill me.

- He's the one that's crazy!

- I'll get you.

VWI you just let me get at him.

Would you kindly take your hands off me?

- What's this?

- It's the Archbishop of Canterbury, my love.

- You got a permit?

- Not at the moment.

- Bust him.

- Here I am, trying to return the favor by

expediting your PI license, and you go get busted.

- Look, I'm sorry.

It's just something I put on automatically every clay,

like a pair of drawers.

- What do you need a gun for, anyway?

- Look, I need it.

I'm after a murderer.

He's wanted in London badly.

- If there were a new murderer in town,

we should know about it.

- Well, I've tracked him from London, Miami,

New York, now here.

He's a yank, you may have heard of him.

Ernie Sadler.

- Ernie Sadler?

That's a major player.

Prostitution, drugs--

- Murder.

- I think we should go see the Captain.

- Damn that upstairs toilet.

So, you expect to stroll into San Francisco,

nab a major wise guy like Ernie Sadler,

and then cart him off to London?

Pretty arrogant, I'd say.

- I do have a plan.

- What is it?

- I'm not at liberty to say.

- You are facing a concealed weapons charge.

You better spill it, or you won't be at liberty at all.

- She mean that?

- Oh yeah.

- All right, I have made contact with Ernie Sadler

through an intermediary, and I have arranged

a rather large purchase of cocaine.

Remaining an anonymous buyer, of course.

Well, my plan was to set him up, get a mule to

make him buy, alert the local authorities,

tell London of his arrest,

when they start extradition proceedings

and I slip out as quietly as I came in.

- It's not a bad plan.

- And of course, if we could drop these minor charges

against me, I might entertain the notion

of a joint Anglo-American venture.

- Captain?

- One of these days, the ceiling is going to open up

and I'm going to be visited by a man

riding the porcelain express.

VWI you excuse us for a moment?

Hooperman.

Here, make yourself useful.

- We haven't had a decent shot at Sadler in two years.

- I just don't like the idea of taking Derringer

in as a partner.

Something about him disturbs me.

- He's already done the legwork.

Look, why don't we just kick him, put a tail on him,

just to make sure we're all saluting the same flag?

- Okay-

Put McNeil and Pritzger on it.

I want to know his every move.

- Done.

- You're responsible.

From now on, he's all yours.

- Well, I'm so happy to be with my baby girl.

And it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hooperman.

- Oh, please call me Harry.

The pleasure is all mine.

Susan has told me so much about you.

- Well, I wish I could say the same.

She didn't tell me she had a beau.

- Ah.

Well.

What exactly did she tell you?

- I told her the truth.

That you're a casual friend, that I manage

your apartment building, and we occasionally

take in a movie.

- How many buildings do you own, Harry?

- Just the one.

It's actually sort of a sideline to my main occupation.

- Which is?

\ l.\

- He's in the legal system.

- A lawyer.

_ A COP-

- How interesting.

You must have a great many fascinating stories.

- Oh, I do.

I do.

I'm sorry, could we just cut through the

grease here, Mrs. Smith?

- Hooperman--

- The fact is, I am in love with your daughter.

And I think she's in love with me.

And I want to marry her.

- This comes as a complete surprise to me, Mother.

- Plus, how do you feel about the idea of

becoming a grand--

- Harry!

- Mother.

- You're pregnant.

- Well thanks a lot, Hooperman.

Why don't you just take an ad out in The Chronicle, huh?

- We're not selling a car here.

This happens to be your mother.

My mother-in-law to be.

Our child's grandmother.

I just felt that she'd want to know.

- Are we shocked speechless, Mother?

- Susan, I don't know what to say.

INN

- Livid?

Is that the word that comes to mind?

- Surprised.

And if that's what you want, I'm very happy for you both.

" See?

What did I tell you?

I told you your mom would be great.

- Hooperman, a moment.

- Captain.

- What's happening with the Derringer thing?

He said a few days.

It's been a week.

Things are getting very dicey.

I'm signing a lot of overtime vouchers.

The DA keeps asking me for an update.

I don't have an update.

I want one today.

- Things are going to get real solid, real fast, Captain.

Somethings going to break soon.

(yells)

- My god, are you all right?

- I think so.

I'm kind of stuck.

- Don't move, we're going to get you some help here.

Do you need anything?

- Got any toilet paper?

- Excuse me, what room is Nick Derringer in?

- I'm afraid we can't provide that information

without calling the room first.

Policy.

- Police-ey.

- You're going to arrest the little deadbeat?

- What for?

- He hasn't paid his bill in three weeks.

We've cut off maid service, room service,

threatened legal action.

If that two-bit limey cornball thinks he can

run out on this tab, he's crazy.

See those two guys?

- House dicks.

- Real pair of weasels.

Nothing gets past those.

(chatter)

- Give you five dollars for the hat.

- Come on kids, let's go.

We're late, Daddy's bringing the car around.

Will you keep on moving, let's go.

- Who are you?

(shushes)

- I'm your brother.

- We're in Daddy's new car.

Now, I want you to be quiet because he has a headache.

No chewing gum, you hear me?

- You're good.

- Ham'-

I was just coming to see you.

- I've been defending you to my captain.

But when I see you skipping out on a hotel bill

in some kind of Pee-wee Herman outfit.

Let's just say, your credibility is a little

on the short side right now.

- Look Harry, last thing I want to do in the world

is jeopardize our relationship.

- Then tell me what's been going on.

Everybody's losing patience.

- Well, I've just completed negotiation

on the purchase of three million dollar's worth of cocaine

from our Mr. Sadler.

- You've met with him?

- Well, I was using a go-between of the female persuasion.

Deal was set to go down at two this afternoon.

I would assume a large presence by your

undercover people is called for.

- I'll set it up with Stern.

- All right.

Two o'clock, Matthew's Bayshore Bar and Grill.

- Nick, this better be no crap, no lies.

- You have my word.

I'll have a booth reserved in my name.

Cheerio.

(soft music)

Hello, my loves.

Take a seat.

That's Sadler at the bar.

- Is that the go between?

- No, she hasn't shown up yet.

- Is everyone in place?

- I'll check the alley.

- Well.

Can I get you anything?

A dry martini'?

- I'm on duty.

- You don't like me, do you?

- No.

I don't like anyone who plays fast and loose

with rules and regs.

And I especially don't like being put in the middle

of a jackpot.

And having to rely on someone of youn“

- Stature?

- Caliber, Mr. Derringer.

You skate on thin ice with me.

- Whereas I find you really tasty.

- Are you flirting with me?

- Stern.

Teenagers flirt.

I am overtly suggesting a sexual get together.

- I find the idea of that truly repugnant.

- Yeah, well most women do at first.

I mean, there's so many questions unanswered.

Fear of the unknown.

- Such is not the case here, Mr. Derringer.

- Now, some men, they prefer a younger woman

with a firm buttocks, up-tilted bosoms,

and tight, flat tummy.

Whereas I am more enamored of these fine lines here,

and there.

They're reflective of the more mature female.

And look here.

Some people would call these liver spots.

But I see them as a genetic necklace.

A string of tiny, brown pearls

that conjure up a whole world of adult, sexual adventure.

- Get out of here.

- Let me ask you something.

Have you ever had a man stand behind you and

kiss you on the back of the knees?

There she is.

- Hey, Ernie.

- Where the hell have you been?

- I went to a party.

So what?

- You're cranked out of your skull.

(yells)

- Hey, Ernie.

- Oh Nick, you followed me.

Why did you do that?

Why?

- You're my wife.

(laughs)

- Is the circus in town?

- The circus.

(chuckles)

(yells)

- Hold it!

(gasps)

(grunting)

- Police, put 'em up.

Put 'em up!

- Drop the gun, give it to me.

- Drop it.

Put it down, put it down.

- Freeze!

Hold it right there.

(QFOans)

This way.

- You're lucky they stopped me, Ernie.

(scattered chatter)

- They all have carry ons, Captain.

And the only drugs we found are a couple

of three ounces of coke on the woman in pink.

- There doesn't seem to be a lot here.

Other than some real potential for embarrassment.

- Captain--

- Hooperman, your ass is grass.

- Okay, here's the deal, clean and simple.

You can stone wall this and go away for the maximum

on possession with intent, or,

you can roll over on Ernie Sadler and walk away.

- What do you want to know?

- Any direct knowledge you have concerning his operations.

Drugs, prostitution, whatever.

- I was a mule for him.

I was a whore for his clients.

I did it all.

- Why?

How could you leave me for that?

- I had to, Nick.

He gave me things.

- Drugs.

- Not just that.

Other things.

Things you couldn't.

- I gave you everything I had.

I loved you.

You said you loved me.

- When I came to London, I was on my heels.

You picked me up out of the gutter.

You took care of me.

I married you because it was...

Well I, I don't know.

Hip.

Bizarre.

- Bizarre?

- I'm sorry, Nick.

But you knew what I was.

- I know what you can be.

- You've always been a sucker for victims.

You wouldn't believe the strays he'd bring home.

And I was one of your strays, Nick.

- Look, testify against Ernie Sadler.

Put him away, then come back to me.

I'll look after you.

- I'm no good for you, Nick.

I'm always going to fall for guys like Ernie.

And I'll always take advantage of guys like you.

You're better off without me, Nick.

Can't you see that?

- I tell you what I do see.

I see a beautiful woman of great worth.

I see a woman I love.

If only you could see yourself the way I do.

Your whole life could turn around.

- Let's make this easier on both of us, Nick.

Let's say goodbye, and let's mean it.

(sighs)

Where do I go to make my statement?

- Officer DeMott.

She'll take you upstairs to the stenographer.

- She's a good girl.

She'll make it.

- Take a minute for yourself.

I'll be outside.

- Look, Harry.

I owe you an apology.

I knew she was going to be there at two o'clock.

And I knew it might get ugly,

and I didn't want to be there on my own without a posse.

There never was any drug deal.

I just wanted to get my wife back.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

- Well, seeing as how she'll probably give us

more than enough to put Sadler away,

let's just

call it even and start over.

What do you say?

- I'm forever in your debt.

- This is true.

(knocking on door)

(barking)

Bijoux, get back.

Come on.

Hey Bijoux, come on.

- Mr. Hooperman.

- Ah, Mrs. Smith.

What a surprise.

- May I come in?

- Gee, the place is kind of,

sure, come on in.

Sorry.

Can I get you something?

Coffee or a beer?

- I'll only stay a minute.

- I'm not sensing warmth here.

- Mr. Hooperman, let me be very blunt.

I don't see you marrying my daughter.

- Neither does she, but I'm working on that.

- You're a policeman.

You can't provide Susan with any financial security.

You have no future.

- Look, Mrs. Smith.

I'm 35 years old.

Maybe older.

And Susan is 26.

So with all due respect, how we deal with our future

is not up to you.

- I want her to have an abortion.

I think you can talk her into it.

- I can't.

And I wouldn't try.

- Well.

Will this change your mind?

- What is this?

- Money.

- 500 thousand dollars in money.

What, is this a joke?

- No, it represents a buyout of all your interest

in this building, as well as all your interest

in my daughter.

- Does this also include a buyout of all my

interest in that dog?

(Whimpers)

- You may keep the dog.

- I was afraid you'd say that.

- You're angry, and that's understandable.

But when you go to bed tonight, and you can't sleep,

I want you to think about the reality

of half a million dollars.

And when you do, I think you will reconsider my offer.

Let me know.

(slams door)

(humming)

(knocks on door)

- How may I help you?

- Is Nick in?

- Whom shall I say is calling?

- Inspector Hooperman.

- As in, police or as in termite?

- As in police.

- He's not in.

- That's all right, Yolanda.

He's a friend.

Harry.

You look awful.

Like you haven't slept all night.

- Yeah well, it's a long story.

- Long stories, sleepless nights.

Must be a woman.

- Your PI license came in.

I thought I'd deliver it to you personally.

- Thank you.

This is my new secretary, Yolanda Stit.

Harry Hooperman.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Nick.

Good luck to you.

Keep your nose clean.

They review those licenses every six months.

- Don't worry about me, Harry.

I want to start off on the right foot with you.

Stay within the law.

Straight up all the way.

'You!

Come here you double dipping little sewer rat!

You didn't think I'd find out, did you?

- Wait, I can explain.

- He takes on my case, then he goes to work for my wife.

- But I had your best interests at heart.

I mean, the more she trusts me,

the quicker I can ascertain if she is having

a liaison with your drapery installer.

- That's a wad of crap.

I'm going to tear you apart!

- Well, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

This gentleman is with the San Francisco Police Department,

and I am at present in his custody.

You may cuff me.

I offer no resistance.

It's a minor infraction.

I'll be out in a month.

I'll contact you.

Write to me, Yolanda.

Hooperman, whatever are we going to do with me?

- I'd like to stick a cassette in your back

and sell you as an educational toy.

- Break Yolanda's heart.

(soft music)

(upbeat music)